Sal Vulcano
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Are you like a, like, do you have like a diet, like an Olympic, like, are you like an Olympian?
The school did not have a basketball program.
So my friend's mom, who prior to this just owned a bakery—
I mean, she had no she had no experience outside of pastries.
And she got like a clipboard, like a whiteboard clipboard.
And we met at the school gym and she started running drills with us.
And it was like whoever else wanted to be play can play.
I was, you know, how'd you do?
I was the MVP of the team for the season.
Went to the awards ceremony.
No, let me finish talking.
And we were like, okay, watch.
This first team we're going to play is going to be amazing.
So we show up for this first game, okay?
We get to the Catholic CYO Center.
It's like the Catholic Youth Organization gym.
Are you like weighing your food?
Every single kid on that team is just like Dominican or like we were all like scrawny little white kids.
These kids were like six feet tall already.
I walked in and you do drills in the beginning before you start the game.
You all go in the line and take layups on your side.
They're taking layups on their side.
And I remember I locked eyes with some kid and he looked at me and he was dribbling the ball backwards through his legs as he walked backwards.
And he didn't break eye contact with me.
And then he like ran up and like he did a layup and like tap the backboard or whatever.
So at the end of the game, you're supposed to line up and you all touch hands or whatever.
And you go upstairs and there's a little rec room and you get some Fritos and a juice box or whatever.
So the parents were there and the parents of this team were engaged.
I mean, a shutout in basketball is pretty tough.
And the parents were going nuts.
And so at the end, when the buzzer sounded, like the parents were chanting.
And they were chanting it like loud, right?
And then when we got online, the kids started chanting, the parents started chanting.
The parents ran onto the court and I just literally like, and we're shaking hands.
They're all chanting 44, zip.
That's because of how much you exercise and stuff?
We go all together up the stairs to get the juice box and the parents are screaming it up the hallway.
44, right in our face, like 44, zip, zip.
I mean, literally, it was like the most humiliating experience ever.
Next game, we played Blessed Sacrament.
A bucket and a foul, right?
And then we proceeded to go 0-14 on the year.
The last game of the season at halftime, I don't know what happened.
We looked up and we were winning.
It was the first time we ever had a lead.
It was the last game of the year's halftime.
And someone was like, holy shit, we're fucking winning.
And we looked up and it was like 18-16 or something.
So they proceed to have the awards dinner.
Well, you know, everyone like goes all the teams.
It's like it's a sports dinner.
So like they're doing all the awards for varsity JV across all the platforms.
And they insisted on doing it.
So I was the MVP of the team.
I had 16 points on the season, 14 games, 16 points.
I had to get up in front of everyone at the buffet and, and take the trophy that said Salvo Cano, MVP, JV, you know, 1990, whatever it was.
And I would just was like, thank you.
You know, like we were all in for it.
I had 16 fucking, but I have that.
I have that trophy right now in my den on my mantle.
That's 16 points on the season.
Yeah, I mean, right away I was just like— 44 zip-zip in your face by grown-ups?
I mean, like, going like that.
What kind of sportsmanship is that?
There was none there that day.
There was none there that day.
We had no business being out there.
I can only imagine what it looked like.
We didn't have uniforms, our team.
No, we wore our gym uniforms.
Which was like, you know, like the short shorts and like just the T-shirt and stuff.
And me, I was like such, I tucked mine in, my socks were up to my knees, that kind of thing.
When was the last time I saw you?
How do you burn all your calories?
Is it all like jujitsu stuff or whatever?
I've been trying to figure out what else to do.
I need some type of outlet because I haven't been doing anything.
Why don't you take up a sport?
So another thing that happened to me, this was the weirdest thing ever.
It just popped into my head.
I was like, I think I want to learn how to sail.
What I think I might have meant maybe is I want to learn how to drive a boat.
But I was like, I think I want to learn how to sail.
And so I was telling this to my wife.
And then just same thing as the trainer.
A few days later, it was like four days later, I was at music class with my daughter.
And one of the dads was there with his daughter.
And I was inviting him to go somewhere, like a group activity.
And he was like, I'd love to, but I can't.
And I was like, are you serious?
And you were already thinking about it.
Four days ago, I said to my wife, I want to learn how to sail.
It was, I was here promoting my special, man, it was June of last year.
I think there's something to it.
I mean, look, you start lining all your ducks in a row.
Eventually, something's going to be cohesive.
But the thing of me running into a guy that- That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, you eventually shed those people.
The sailing one blew me away.
How many times have you ever run into someone who teaches sailing?
I went sailing the other day.
I took my first one in New York Harbor, man.
What kind of parents you got?
Yeah, that's like life-risking shit.
What was the life before that?
Like, was there a standard?
Because it's like, I'm going to live on this sailboat.
I'm going to go live in a tropical environment.
I'm going to learn how to sail.
I think they just, you know, people don't like work, man.
Cause it was like when you're out on a boat,
There's nothing else going on.
It has a way of really centering you.
I like that because I didn't grow up with that, and it's not common for me, and it's the one thing that really resonates with me as far as shutting my brain off and things like that.
I'm going through Vegas on it.
I'm still touring the tour that I was here with Les that started in 24.
Yeah, it's like biological.
I'm going through till all the way through 26.
Yeah, I took like a three-month.
Well, I took a break when I had my new baby, and then I took like a little bit of like a six-month, but now I'm like back at it full.
That's him taking the video.
Yeah, you've seen that perfect storm, right?
I got a bunch of big shows coming up, so I was like, let me get out there and like tell people I'm still alive.
I did it on a trip in the Cayman Islands.
And I always wanted to do it.
So I was psyched to do it.
And I did one time prior to that in a pool.
So I was like, all right, whatever.
And I almost couldn't go through with it because the initial descent, they have to put weights on you.
And it just goes against everything your body feels.
No, I mean, I piece it together.
Your body's like, no, no, no, no, no.
And they say, like, you know, try to breathe measured.
If you breathe a lot, you run out of air faster.
So it's like, yeah, just hearing the fact, oh, you run out of air.
I mean, I'm I'm constantly on the road.
I mean, I had the little dial.
But still, by the way, it doesn't matter, by the way.
So it's like I couldn't get down.
I just I just went down just to have a little bit of a breather because we just finished wrapping season 12 of the show.
And so I think that played into it.
you have to start, it just, you have to overcome the sensation that you're maybe drowning or being suffocated.
Like, you know, you go down and the weights start to pull you down and you adjust to breathing through here, but then that's it.
Like, and if you want to like talk or it's like, you don't, you don't feel comfortable.
comfortable and you just want out this you know you can't just get out and once you go down 30 feet or so you have to like you know you can't just shoot up either you have to go up like slowly obviously right i mean it's not only 30 feet is the bends but like you know that whole thing and so i thought it was 30 feet where you get the bends no i only went 30 feet i think that's like very simple stuff but i still don't think it's like real shoot up
Well, it was 30 feet down.
And so I was touring and doing the show and I had and I had a kid.
It was still kind of my world.
I can still see our world, you know what I mean?
Well, it was me and my friend, and that was it.
I was taking him for his birthday, right?
So they, like, tell you some things.
They're like, all right, I'm going to go down there with you and, like, tell you signals and stuff.
You know, like, if I do this or if I do, you know, whatever the signals were.
And I'm like, all right, I'm trying to, like, remember these goddamn signals, especially, like, if I need to communicate something.
Yeah, there should be a test.
I finally overcome it, and I get down there.
And, like, once I got down there and calmed down,
So it's like I just couldn't even.
I had moments where I was a little panicky again, but in the moments where I was calm, I was like, all right, I'm going slow, I'm breathing slow, this is cool.
And you just kind of start exploring.
And then we produced another show and all that shit in between.
And there were these big, I guess Oscars, these big fish, literally the size of almost my body, like five or six of them together just there.
But they weren't like, they couldn't harm you, but just the sheer size of them was like, I'll stay away from them.
But then this instructor starts swimming forward and then my friend is behind her and I'm behind him.
And at one point, like, you know, I'm not good with the... Paddles?
Some people are just good with them, but like, it's kind of like, it's, it's weird.
It's unnatural and unnatural feeling.
So I'm not good with them.
And I got this fucking tank on me and you know, everything's tight, you know?
So it's like I just haven't been I went on hiatus on my podcast and stuff because I had to something had to give.
And it's like, and I'm trying to use the flippers and I'm not really catching, like I'm kind of falling behind a little bit.
I'm not really doing it great.
And then I start to try to do it faster, but then that like spins me a little bit.
So now I'm spinning down there and I'm trying to kick out of it.
And I like want to communicate to the instructor and she's in front of my friend swimming forward.
And my friends, I'm looking at his ass.
I'm like, I'm just like fucking like, I'm just like waving my hands.
Like that seems, I need help.
Like she, I don't think she should have led like that.
And when she was, I would say she was probably 20 feet ahead of me.
And so at that one point, I was like, this is not like, this is, this is crazy.
She doesn't, I can't get help if I need help.
And then you're panicking.
And I had to, like, literally just, you know, bring myself back down.
And, like, in the shallow area.
So now it's like, let me just get back out there.
And, like, we did, like, some exercises and drills or whatever, and they explained the signs and what's going to happen.
Did you tell her you're claustrophobic?
Where do I think I have it?
Because I've been in scenarios in confined small spaces where I couldn't get out or I didn't have a lot of mobility and I literally had a panic attack.
And just now I'm not filming.
My heart starts beating out of my chest.
I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm just really focusing on the tour and like a new pod I got coming out.
Yeah, like when I was – I did an MRI.
That was like – That's very claustrophobic.
I started beating out of my chest.
There was one time on a plane, a long time.
I don't like to fly either.
So that combined with like I was in a row, like a really tight row, like just crammed in.
And I just – I don't know.
I just – it's happened a few times in my life where we're in like the back row of like a van where like it was closed in.
Like I couldn't – anywhere where I can't get right out.
And one time I was in a stretcher and I –
They like lock you... Like they strap you in.
I was... To tell you the truth, I was driving and a guy ran a stop sign and like...
plowed fast and plowed into me.
I was a teenager and my best friend was driving behind me.
So he called right away, but I, I guess I kind of like, I don't remember.
And then I remember my girlfriend at the time crying and I, I remember talking to her, but I have no vision.
And I remember like I was hugging her and I could feel her tears.
And then the next thing I remember,
in my mind, was that I was in a stretcher on the floor, and I woke up, and the ambulance was there, and everything was there.
That's the next thing I remember.
But I'm telling this guy, I'm in this fucking thing, and he has me on the floor behind the ambulance, and I'm right by the exhaust pipe.
I'm just laying on the... And the thing's just right by the... I'm like, can somebody fucking move me away from the exhaust pipe?
But I couldn't... When I'm held down like that and confined, and I can't move, it's like...
I just feel like I can't breathe.
So I don't know if it's like, I don't know if it's.
So maybe that's what it is.
Well, I'm just telling you what I feel in confined spaces.
How do you explain the phobia of clowns?
You can't see their real face.
Yeah, if I didn't, it can get depressing fast.
Yeah, that was the norm for a while.
Do you remember when clowns like for a minute were like in the news everywhere because it was like a trend That clowns were terrorizing towns.
It was like five years like maybe less than ten years ago No, oh my god, so where I'm from in Staten Island.
We had the Staten Island clown And this there was a clown just showing up in public spaces and events just watching people and then like
like, back into the night, and it would make appearances.
It started making the papers.
Was it around the time that It came out, though?
I think it was, like, I would say I would put it out 10 years.
But then other places, other people started doing it.
And then it was like clowns.
And that was kind of fun, actually, though.
I like the idea that there might be a clown.
It would go out one night.
Because it almost felt like our version of Summer of Sam or something like that.
People are like, if you're going out tonight, look out for the clowns.
They don't know who Jack the Ripper is, right?
Look at you out there breeding.
Oh, yeah, that's in the club in the green room.
I just clicked on something that said that Christian Bale was Banksy.
I'm even talking about in like the hotel and stuff.
Yeah, they're playing with different rules, I think.
But I remember I was disappointed when I found out it was him because it's like, oh, I don't know.
I want it to be mysterious.
Did you see that doc that exit through the gift shop?
His name's like Mr. He has a moniker that he goes by.
And the people thought that he was Banksy.
And so it spends the whole thing following him.
But it turns out he's not.
But it was like, it's just wild to me that after all this time,
In the age we're living in now, nothing has gotten it.
How many people know who he is?
How close to the vest is his identity?
I didn't work out and I didn't play pool.
I didn't know you did voices.
So I'm like, I got, I got this guy.
that's funny dude that always happens i went to um i went to i was invited to this brunch in england and it was a it was a guy um man he was a descendant of uh uh who's the who's the uh the the uh the guy was like oh um like he when you want to fuck when you when you're when you're
Contributing to the population.
And I'm like, um, all right, I'm weak.
Like when you're thinking about your mom, who's that guy?
What are you talking about?
I'm literally having a stroke.
I have no idea what you're saying.
It's like, what's it go for Freud?
So he's, I think he's a descendant.
Freud is like his, I think Freud is like his like great, great grandfather or something.
And then he also married into like, it's the biggest market, like publication in, in,
the biggest media company conglomerate overseas.
He's super rich, famous family that married into another super rich, famous family.
Freud family, and then whoever the other one is.
Anyway, I'm at this person's house.
I don't remember how I got invited.
It was somewhere outside of London and it was unassuming because we walked through row houses, through an alley to get to their property.
And like, I need to reverse all this, you know, like, so like, you're going to start with me now and I'm, I'm really going to show you nothing.
And I think the daughter of this – I feel bad that I'm forgetting their name because they were gracious hosts but I did – the daughter I think was a fan of ours or something and somehow got in touch and we got invited there.
It was a weird, wild thing.
So I, I find myself at this place.
I didn't, I didn't know anyone.
And I get there and like, it was a weird collection of people there.
Apparently this guy hosts a brunch forever.
And he has a lot of friends and a lot of celebrity friends.
And so there was celebrities and stuff there at this brunch.
Walk in, there was all food trucks and stuff and get into their house.
At the time, Woody Harrelson was filming a movie in London, and it was crazy.
It was a live movie in one shot.
They rehearsed for this movie for months and months and months, and then a live stream into theaters...
And he acted live, and the entire thing was one shot.
It was like 90 minutes long.
Yeah, I can't believe it didn't get more press just from the nature of that.
So he was out there for that, and so he was at this brunch, and I think Owen Wilson was also at this brunch.
How did I forget about this?
But it didn't get any love.
No, but I went and saw it and it was really fucking cool.
So there's, I mean, there's a lot of different people there.
Liv Tyler, just the guys from Oasis.
There was just a collection of people there.
And I found myself, they had like a little, not escape room, what do you call it?
And the safe room was just converted.
It had a ping pong table in it.
I walk into the safe room, and Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson are playing ping pong down there.
And I just, it was them two, a cat, and me.
And I just watched them play ping pong.
But wait, I'm getting to this.
Oh, so anyway, they had Banksy's.
Like, they had a fucking, man, you know, I think I need to take a supplement from my, I need to get some ginkgo biloba in me.
Who's the artist with, Picasso.
I'm like, who's the guy who puts like an eye over here?
Yes, they had Banksy's like just in the house, like up like that.
That's probably, I mean, you know, that's.
I don't know how much they are, but I was like, oh, wow.
That's like your own personal Banksy.
Like when they just nail a banana to the wall or something?
I was going to bring up Pollock because Stern did that.
Did you ever see when Howard did that?
He was like, I can make a Jackson Pollock and you won't know the difference.
And he put it next to each other and nobody knew the difference.
I got some blood work back, and I was like, I need to change somebody's numbers.
I don't know, but I'll tell you right now, I'm starting to use that word.
And also, I got an in-depth blood work, and they told me all this extra stuff that I couldn't have known.
Did you do the math, like, when your kid's 20?
And one is I'm very susceptible to soft tissue injury.
But are we saying that they found those artists and propped them up?
No, the artists already existed.
That's how art works in a general sense now anyway.
It's like there are people at the top that dictate a lot of this stuff.
Oh, yeah, but I'm saying the art world and the art as a commodity and that kind of stuff.
The bottom can fall out at any time of that just like anything else.
Artists that were being pushed and were really hot by galleries and this and that like just years ago and selling X amount like their their stuffs not worth anything right now Yeah
It wasn't, I forget, but it wasn't economy-based.
It said bitch on the paper, and then this is how I make myself feel better about it.
It was like the trend within that world or whatever.
It's always weird to me how people put a price tag on that stuff.
How do they determine whether you're soft tissue?
Whether you're a bitch or not?
It just said I'm very susceptible to, I guess, whatever it is, ligament bruising, ligament, that kind of stuff.
That's the creative space.
You think that's just changed my blood so that that's it?
Bro, I've done every piece of math you could do.
Well, I told the guy, and he's like, all right, that's good to know.
And then my sixth session, we were doing that thing where I throw a medicine ball down really hard and then catch it and then swing it to him.
And now he hangs right by your powder room.
The stuff I've collected is a little bit more vibrant, a little bit more not so photorealistic and stuff.
I was going to tell you someone I thought you'd like is this artist Jordy Kerwick.
I found him on my own during the pandemic.
I bought a piece of his art and I really loved it.
I bought a still piece that was like
But now he's moved to this really funky, cool lizard.
This is some cool shit, right?
He's from Australia, I believe.
So a couple of years, a few years after I bought his piece, I saw him like something of mine on Instagram.
Oh, because I Zoomed with him before I bought it, I guess, just to talk about it for a minute.
And I thought maybe he just followed me and knew who I was because I bought his art, but he didn't.
And on the swing to him, I was like, ah!
He just knew me through comedy.
And so I hit him up and I go, hey, man, I saw you like something of mine.
You know I bought something from you, right?
And he's like, I have no idea, no.
It's like, yeah, we took, we zoomed.
I is like, and he's like, no, no, I just, I'm a fan.
I'm like, dude, your stuff is amazing.
He ended up sending me more artwork.
Like he shipped me more artwork of his and it's like expensive.
And he just, he just was so generous.
how fucking dope is that right very his style has changed so much too and it's like I want to get another piece I'm like part of me is like I don't want to if I'm gonna spend if I'm gonna get it I want to like you know try to vary it up but I like his stuff so much that I just kind of want to like he does weird shit too yeah that one's creepy yeah
How good are you with a bow and arrow?
But like back in the day when they battled bow and arrow, what skill level were those guys?
Oh, that's a totally different kind of archery.
So if I gave chase, if I ran from you.
Could you take me out if I'm running around like a moving target?
I'm just doing quick math, but I think that's a billion miles an hour.
So you're going from home plate to center field in a second and a half.
I can't wrap my head around that speed of a bow.
Yeah, he did say that for to be fair.
That's the way I'm thinking of it.
If you're at home plate, I'm at center field, and you shoot your arrow at me, I have a second-
Chiropractor would have cleaned up back then.
That's exactly what happened.
That was right around my 13th point.
So how long did it take you to feel like, oh, I know what I'm doing, or oh, I have a marked improvement right now?
I started with a trainer four weeks ago and just did all this blood work and taking all these scans and tests and stuff.
You ever let go of an arrow in like a bird?
You ever see Randy Jackson?
Fucking that guy was a house.
He was like seven foot one.
It's just crazy that it didn't just, like, kill the bird, but knocked every single feather loose.
It's like when you get into an accident and your shoes and socks come off.
Yeah, but the left-handed comes out early, right?
That movement is inherent.
It's not like they're working at it.
So it's like, I don't know.
Do they have to think about those things?
Or is it just like coming?
It is a right-handed person's game usually.
I have my results in a PDF somewhere I can call my doctor.
Yeah, I could see how that would track.
The ambidextrous people are, like, probably aliens.
They could do it without even thinking either which way from the get.
Those kids in school always, like, blew my mind.
They'd just be sitting there drawing, like, comic book, like, literal, like, that good.
You self-taught, or are you just kind of... Yeah, mostly self-taught.
See, that's also got to be something that's... I mean, if you start from nothing and just, like, I don't know.
I feel like that's inside you somewhere as well, like, to be a naturally gifted, just to know how to... Some people are just better at that than...
My third grade teacher, her brother was the drummer in Twisted Sister.
Yeah, they were one of the big glam rock bands.
But it was almost cross-dressing.
That's him on the right of Dee.
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's.
You would ask his pronouns.
That's like Poison, all those groups back then.
But, so yeah, so she lived, we lived in these little garden apartments.
So this guy... So my teacher lived upstairs from us in the apartment building.
So he used to go get her house all the time.
So I was in grammar school.
I was in... I was like... I couldn't have been more than like eight.
My dad was the superintendent of apartment buildings, and so he knew everyone.
I was my teacher, so we met him at a young age, and he used to come over to my house all the time.
So I have pictures of me in my parents' kitchen, just sitting down eight years old in my pajamas with him.
And just eating like a tuna sandwich.
And he's like literally dressed like that.
I have one where he's in full electric blue spandex pants.
And like a ripped jean jacket with his hair all up.
And it's just me and him sitting at the table.
We used to, I remember back then, did you ever have that, like, were you into, like, you have the denim jacket?
And then we got, like, the patches all over it.
And then when we graduated, like, everyone signed, like, take a Sharpie, a black marker, like, sign your jacket.
I don't think that exists anymore.
Did you learn how to play?
It was the red guitar with like the white lines on it.
It was like a famous, so it was a kid's one though.
And I bought it at this place still there, Mode Music on Bay Street.
And I spent all my money on it.
And I never used it, never took it out of the, I like, you know, just never used it.
It came full circle on the show.
Do you know the band Imagine Dragons?
Okay, so I met them along the way, friendly with them.
So before they... Well, they were big because this was Jones Beach, which is like 15,000 people.
They were playing Jones Beach.
It was like maybe, again, 10 years ago.
They made me, they threw me out on stage before they came out as one of the opening acts.
And I had to sing and play guitar to almost 15,000 people.
And I don't sing or play guitar, and they didn't tell me what songs.
I had to make it up on the spot.
Me and my buddy Joe, who they put him as the drummer, they introduced us as a band called Señor Alonza, which was the name of our high school Spanish teacher.
And so there was three opening acts before us, which is bonkers, right?
And so when they were about to come on, they made it like they were going to come on.
They lowered the lights and all those freaking spotlights started going all over the place.
And then they introduced the fourth opening act.
He got behind the drums, and I used that guitar that I bought in 1989, June 89.
I finally used it in, like, 2015.
And they're like, all right, go.
And I just started, like, just hitting the guitar and just...
I'm a, what do you call this?
just making up songs and stuff, and we were getting booed, shit.
People were throwing things at us.
Now, just because I'm like, I have to.
Oh, you mean because of the show?
Yeah, the dedication was terrible because I... He doesn't know how to play.
Also, they made me call them the Imagination Dragons right in the beginning.
I said, everyone just calm down.
The Imagination Dragons will be out in a little while.
And then the dedication was like this.
It was like, this set is dedicated to the people of Pittsburgh because I could already tell that you guys are not going to be half as good an audience as them.
And then I started playing.
They were booing us and everything.
And then at one point, a guy came on stage, and he tried to grab my guitar from me, and I didn't know what was going on.
I mean, I was like a deer in the headlights out there.
And I just pushed him away, and he's trying to grab my guitar, and I'm pushing him away, and I'm singing through it, right?
I'm cursing also, because I'm just freewheeling it up there.
And so they were like, I didn't get the memo.
I wasn't supposed to curse.
And so I'm dropping F-bombs.
I sang a song called Fuck the Imagination Dragons.
How long did you sing for?
I would say probably somewhere like eight, seven, eight minutes.
And then this guy, he keeps trying to get the guitar from me.
I'm ripping it from him and I'm like, fuck the magic.
And I wouldn't let him have it.
And I didn't realize that was the official union stage manager.
trying to get me off the stage because there's a curfew that they have to hit and they have to do their full show and they have to do their finale.
And as soon as they go, you know, this past curfew on a union stage, the entire thing is like double time for every single worker there.
And then there's penalties.
It could be like $100,000.
And so no one tells me who this guy is.
So I'm shoving the real union stage manager off of me because I thought he was trying to just sabotage me.
And I thought I had to stay out there.
I had to be here as long as possible.
The guy's like, give me the goddamn guitar.
I'm like, I'm not taking it.
And I found out afterwards that that was like official and I was supposed to get off and I didn't.
I caused them later because they couldn't not do their encore.
Their encore went into overtime.
And the encore, that dude, he gets hooked up to his cables.
They lift him into the air and they spin him in circles while he plays drums.
And they said they went into the bonus and they had to pay all these fees because of me.
Did you guys reimburse them?
No, I don't have money to reimburse them.
Like I just, I, I know they're still our friends, but like, and at the end of like stage dive off and I'm looking in the crowd and I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill myself.
These people aren't going to catch me.
And they stage dive, stage dive.
So I just ran and I jumped off, but I kind of just like landed on the floor and rolled like no one caught me.
That's how cool I thought that he was in Twisted Sister.
That's how cool I was like, look at this guy.
Which one of your friends told you to stage dive?
Whoever was, I don't know.
Well, they were never going to catch me.
They saw me and I kind of jumped off.
I think as I'm in the air jumping off, I think I hit with a soda.
it's like it was bad oh my god it's so ridiculous I know that's so ridiculous yeah the show's crazy the show has given me like a lot of opportunities to do stuff like that I would never have done like that well who the fuck ever gets to do something like that yeah the balls to stand up there while those people hate you
I would imagine maybe they came out and said something, but I don't remember.
There was another time they put us in the Devils in between periods.
They threw me as a goalie in the net of the New Jersey Devils.
And all the Devils came out and took slap shots on me.
Me and my buddy Q. It was two of us in net.
Scarier than that like they were taking blistering Slapshots at us I was in full Devils gear as a goalie and I remember there was a someone from like Sports Illustrated something was there and I have this I saved it like a chain of his tweets that he was tweeting and he's like I don't know what's going on here, but the Devils are apparently taking slapshots at a civilian He's down on the ground.
This is not a good promotion He's like I don't think that the devil should be doing this type of promotion with fans He didn't know it was our show
It hurt, but I didn't get hurt.
I got back up, but it still was hitting me in the neck.
Yeah, like you have the guard on and stuff.
Does the guard protect your neck?
Yeah, everything was covered, but it's still like... Fuck, dude.
Still taking a puck like 90 miles an hour to the chest.
Yeah, and I played hockey in like late ground school and high school.
And I started as a roller hockey goalie, but it doesn't... You can't compare the two things.
They didn't even wear fucking helmets back then.
yeah it's crazy they just played with our helmets a puck hits you in the mug on tuesday you're done yeah you got to play again next week my first ever uh my first ever tryout for ice hockey in high school was i we it was hard to play hockey back then like there wasn't a lot of like it was expensive and there wasn't a lot of rinks we drove like two hours up to like
Like Bear Mountain or some crap like three hours of my family my dad my stepmom They had to wait in the stands because they can't drop you off and go home because it's you just drove three hours So they're watching these tryouts and I was my first time I ever put ice skates on in my life I had played roller hockey already, but I never put on ice skates in my life So it's kind of like you were saying like just trying to play like left-handed or whatever I was like, oh, maybe it'll transfer, you know, yeah put on these ice skates and it did it I was really bad but um
Someone took a slap shot, and it got deflected into the stands.
So whatever, I didn't think anything of that.
At the end of the tryouts, I went back, got my bag, walked back out, and my stepmom was out there.
She bleeding black and blue, stitches, everything.
The puck hit her right in the face.
She was already black and blue.
Does that happen all the time?
Do people in the crowd get hit?
And this is a high school kid.
He switches it up every single time.
That was a high school deflection.
Imagine the devil's taking slap shots at you.
It was like a split-second battle between whether I would try to actually block it or just wince and take it.
Because it was faster than I was prepared for, obviously.
I've been seeing him about four weeks, three times a week.
He actually lived in the building next to me.
He had the mask before he got his nose busted.
Well, his nose is actively busted, right?
Maybe he put the mask on afterwards.
This weird stuff has been happening to me like this lately.
I'm like, I really got to get a trainer.
And all the extra precautions now and the CTE stuff and all that stuff.
It just hasn't even permeated.
They haven't had a meeting, not a vote.
And I was walking in between.
It's just like, no, the guys need to fight.
Do you feel like it's less fighting now or no?
I haven't watched in a minute.
We had a little thing in between the buildings.
But it's a fun sport to watch.
And he just was there talking to someone.
As much as it's just brutal.
And he mentioned, he goes, I'm a physical trainer.
And when I did that, I skated everywhere.
I played roller hockey first, but when I was in my four or five years that I was obsessed with it, I played every day, I roller skated everywhere.
Yeah, it was kind of like skateboarding.
Like why wouldn't I get there like five times faster or whatever?
So I do it at 6.30 in the morning.
I mean, it wasn't like roller skating on Venice Beach with my headphones.
That's the thing that's a little harder, too.
I didn't look like a cornball.
The only time I can do it is 6.30 in the morning because I have like a – That's good, though.
No, I don't recall really.
It was good for my curfew because I used to go to my girlfriend's house.
My dad was like, you have to be home by like 11.
And it was like probably like a couple of miles.
I just used to lace him up, and there was actually a huge hill, like, halfway there.
Like, I got up to the— Yeah, I mean, flying.
And I'd probably be going like 30 miles an hour.
If I wiped out, it would have been bad.
No, it was a service road of a highway, and it was late at night, so I wouldn't do it if there was cars.
And it's been crazy how much I feel like I've done now by like 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
But I would get home in five minutes, whereas normally it would have taken me like 15 minutes.
I remember when I got into the workforce, I was at a college, one of my buddies was like, you want to go shoot the puck around today?
I'm like, I haven't done it in five or six years.
And we went to a little roller rink, like a hockey rink there.
We skated around for about, it must have been 20 minutes.
You know that burn that you get in your throat, like the trachea stuff?
Maybe you don't because you're consistently working out.
But when you're not in shape and then you try to play a sport or something, it just feels like your insides are on fire.
But when that alarm goes off at like 6, and I know he's waiting downstairs, you know, I'm just like, now it's, because now it's winter, like back home, I don't know about here, but like it's still completely pitch black outside, you know, like, so just getting up in that darkness and being like, my wife's sleeping, I'm putting on a fucking headband.
You start to almost cough up phlegm and stuff.
Out of like – just like maybe like five years removed.
He told me when I, cause I'm going to be here and I'm away from home the next week.
He's like, you got to go at least three times and send me pictures of yourself.
I wouldn't want to bring you down, bro.
The next time I come back, I'll be like- It's going to be Jack, son.
We'll have a pose off next time.
I talked to Shane yesterday, but I haven't seen him.
Actually, you know what's so funny?
The last picture I saw of him, or not the last picture, but recently I saw he was filming that John Madden movie, and that paparazzi took that photo of him in character with the mustache coming out of his trailer.
It was an unflattering shot.
So that's the last thing I really saw.
You can probably pull that.
It's pretty freaking funny.
You can see he locks eyes with the photographer just as he's coming out, and it's like,
He's already meant to look, I think, frumpy from the character.
I wore a hat first, but I was like, I need to get, no, I bought, like, I got, like, fancy with it.
No, I don't think he's Madden.
He's just someone in the Madden universe.
I bought, like, a Lululemon headband.
It's not, it's like, I don't know.
He must be putting in work then because I'm also like only doing it three days a week because I just started and I don't want to like, you know.
You know what I got shit for after the last time I was on?
I, uh, I, so many people came up to me after the last, I was like, dude, I, I saw, you know, the Rogan episode and you didn't finish a story.
And I'm, I'm the amount of people that said this to me.
I must've been like, yeah, I, I started to tell you a story about an experience I had, I think with a ghost because I never, I didn't believe in ghosts.
And I, I guess I started to tell and didn't finish it.
Can I tell you the amount of people that can't think it's like, what the fuck, man?
It was so many people, though, that finally I was like, I swear to God, if I go back on, I will bring it up and I'll try to retell the story.
I don't know how great the story is.
So we were saying hi, just I don't believe in them, but I had this experience.
I don't know what to make of it.
So I lived alone at the time.
And when I go to sleep at night, I lock my bedroom door.
So I locked my door and I was laying in bed and I had the television on.
And a lot of times I'll put the TV on mute, but keep the TV on when I fall asleep.
So I was telling you how, because I sleep with a CPAP machine, how I would wrap myself up in a cocoon because I had an air source.
I felt immediately it changes my... There's just that release.
So it's like a sarcophagus.
I put everything over my head and I tuck in my feet.
I swear you just see a tube coming out.
It's like the sensory deprivation things, right?
I just muted my television.
And I wrapped myself up like a fucking burrito.
And I always stick like one foot or one hand out.
It's just a nice cool breeze.
It's like a fun little thing to do when you're wrapped up like that.
And I'm just laying there.
And I thought I heard something or somebody.
I don't know if it was talking.
I heard what I thought was like...
The door opened, I suppose.
Like, again, wasn't asleep.
I was just, I was... Just about to fall asleep.
I wouldn't even, like... Just laying there.
The first workout I felt like right afterwards I was like...
I didn't sleep or wake up or nothing like that.
And I wasn't laying there 20 minutes.
And I'm laying there and I heard walking or the door or something.
And so I listened more intently and I didn't hear anything again.
And then all of a sudden I felt, I don't know if it's a hand, whatever you want to call it, pressure squeeze.
Oh, right here on my hand.
I just, I just felt my hand get squeezed and I,
What's going on in my mind is I thought there was an intruder in the house initially, right?
So like intruder came in the house and I know I'm feeling this.
I'm like, this all happened in seconds, but I'm thinking, okay, I heard something.
Now there's pressure on my hand and it went tighter and tighter.
And I'm like, someone is squeezing my hand right now.
I have to act like I'm not feeling this because I don't know what's about to happen.
But then I started in the same vein.
I'm like, if this was a home intruder, why would they do this?
It doesn't make any sense to me.
Like, so aren't they going to wake me up?
Like, wouldn't they try to get in and out?
I'm thinking of this in a split second.
And the pressure is such that it actually begins to hurt, not hurt, like, ow, get off.
But like, like, oh, that's squeezing.
I am going to have to jump up and fight right now or something.
Something's happening here.
And I said, are you awake?
And I'm like, I'm, I'm literally, I'm awake.
I'm looking, I'm feeling my hand.
And I was like, I feel like I either have to count to three, jump up and get ready to fight or I'm vulnerable and I don't know what's going to happen to me.
I might as well just take charge of the situation whenever I can.
And I just took a breath and I was like, all right, here I go.
I felt the pressure release off my hand.
And so that's when I was laying there with it limp, and I was like, I'm gonna jump up right now, and whatever happens, happens.
And it was nerve-wracking, and I just jumped up in my bed, up, and so I was standing on the bed.
I threw the things off, and I just was ready to run, and there was nothing there on my door.
How long was something squeezing your hand for?
I'll say less than 10 seconds.
Yeah, maybe like 10 seconds.
Because first it was on me, and then it was more pressure, and then more pressure, and then let go.
And then when I jumped up, no one in my room, door locked.
I turned every light on, opened my door, walked around the house.
Maybe the aliens thought you were trying to kill yourself.
It used to take care of itself with just sports and stuff.
It definitely looks weird from the outside when I sleep.
Like, if you saw a picture of it, it looks like, what the fuck's going on?
I heard of sleep paralysis, not demons.
But I don't do that anymore.
I haven't done that in forever.
I don't know why an alien would be in my bedroom.
Are you a good athlete outside of whatever training you do?
There's a lot of stories, man.
How'd they get in, though?
Because that little thing was closed.
They get to my little one bedroom apartment and they stand in there and watch me with my CPAP and then squeeze my three fingers.
It makes no sense, though, right?
Ghosts don't make sense either.
Someone grabbing your hand doesn't make sense.
But it sucks that I'll never have an answer.
But I know that, what it feels like to be locked up.
This felt as pure as can be, like this doing this.
That thing would have been probably scared when I jumped out with the mask on like that.
I really took inventory before I jumped up to fight.
While you were feeling the pressure on your head.
I was saying to myself, you are 100% awake.
This is happening to you right now.
Ghosts is what I thought, but what's the point?
I think I have to start doing that again soon.
But it's not like one of the workers or another comic fucking with him?
That store at the hotel next door?
What if it's like a... Because I am...
What is the point of the 12 months?
Who's putting that in there?
When my wife was not home for a few days and we were having the baby and everything and I had to come home because I had work and I had to take care of my other daughter and stuff.
And I was never in bed without my wife there.
It was the first time I was laying in bed without her.
That's when they get you, right?
Yeah, because she can't defend you.
This is a new bit I'm doing based on something that happened to us.
I'm on the road now all the time for comedy.
She experiences that, but I don't.
And I was like, oh, I feel vulnerable.
I'm thinking, what if an intruder or a killer or something like that?
So I'm thinking to myself, what's she going to do if she's here?
She's not going to do anything.
And I started to think, her being home is just a false delusion of security for me.
She might yell, alert me to the killer.
She might yell, alert me that that could help or the killer might kill her and I get away.
I don't want that to happen, but that's just like what could happen, right?
I'm like, I need something in this house.
I didn't think anything of this, but I Amazon primed the machete to the house, right?
She didn't come home until three days later.
So I had the machete in the house now.
Like I felt better, but I wasn't going to get a gun.
I just, you know, whatever.
I think I couldn't get a gun that quick anyway, right?
So I don't even know if it's legal, whatever.
I have it in the, we have the king size bed.
So I had it like in the crack.
So when she came home three days later, she got home at night, she hadn't been home in like six days, she took a shower, she had major surgery, she was healing, she just got in bed and it was already late at night and so I was in bed and I went in bed with her and we shut the lights and I was laying down, I forgot that, I didn't tell her that I ordered a machete, I forgot that it was in between the bed.
So she felt it and she's like, what is this?
I knew she wasn't going to be happy about it.
So it's just like, you know, that's our machete.
We got a machete, Amazon Prime machete.
And she's like, you're not keeping the machete.
Long story short, when I was laying there without her for a few days, I was like, this is not a good weapon.
Because I'm going to end up, if an intruder comes, I'm going to machete them.
And then we can't live here anymore.
If you get into a machete fight with someone and you chop them up, you have to move right away.
You don't stay the next day.
And so I already started thinking, well, how do I sell this house then?
If I hit someone with a machete in here, they die right here.
That's bad for the listing.
But I don't have to disclose it now.
Now that I learned, I don't have to disclose it.
Because I was having an internal conflict.
Just hold on to it for a year or do it in one of those states.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Did you machete anyone here?
You know if you macheted someone, you have to tell us.
That's the dumbest rule ever.
That's just like some type of like lore or something.
Yeah, no before the internet We just just act to see the truth I thought it was really guy I felt not that I was doing anything that would have warranted me having to ask but like I did feel like a sense of like I got something in my back pocket if Something's like if I don't know you know like if I'm at a party underage drinking like you know I
The best is the follow-up where if the cop says no and everyone's like, you know you have to tell me if you want.
Psy ops feel like the good answer for everything.
Although it was probably an episode of like Matlock or something like that.
Do you know I only learned what PSYOP, I only learned the term PSYOP with the drones recently.
Yeah, I never heard of it before.
I mean, at least framed as a psyop.
And then I was like, what is that?
And I was like, you know, because with the drones, man, if that was a psyop, I was fully psyoped.
No, I was waiting every day.
Trump was like, when I'm in, I'm going to give you the full download immediately.
I'll let you guys know what's going on specifically.
And then it was, he said, then he never addressed.
Then someone else said to him like, hey, what was going on with those drones?
Remember you were going to tell us?
And he was like, they're ours.
I was watching drones outside my window every night.
My wife's like, go to bed.
You're going to drive yourself crazy.
I'm like, there's 12 drones outside right now.
But it's weird how the administration before him refused to say anything and let it get to a fever pitch where people started to feel like completely – not that I don't trust the government already, but like it got to a point where I was like this is – how are they allowed to just –
just tell us oh you're not seeing it's there that's not what you're seeing like it just was like i it was i was getting like really because now you know you think differently with kids and stuff like that i'm like what's going on here well i started like uh i started amazoning like dry foods and like survival manuals and stuff i'm like what is are we going to go to war like what is going on so there's a bunch of different possibilities right and all of them
That's what I thought at first.
I've seen just light drone shows here where they form an image or something like that.
And that's why I thought there was out there that that was them and that was a flex.
But then Trump was just like, it's just us.
That's all independently flown.
Like every single one of those lights.
And he's like, what the fuck is that?
They were like the size of like cars.
You have trouble with that stuff?
Alexa in the toilet's not a bad idea as well.
Don't sell yourself short.
I was telling you, I did chat GPT finally.
I was like, I'm not going to do this.
I really don't want to do this.
I also don't want to be left behind.
It's going to be inevitable.
You know how I'm using it now?
I just talk... I pay the 20 bucks and I named... I asked... I gave her a female voice or whatever.
I mean, at least I'll have fun while I can with it.
And I just said... I said, what's your name?
I was like, I call you stank ass.
She goes, it's a bit crass, but I get why it's funny.
Can you just call me Big Pimpin whenever you talk to me?
And she's like, all right.
And I was like, and whenever we speak, no matter what I'm asking, can you please speak in 90s hip hop vernacular?
And she's like, yeah, no problem.
So now that's just how, like, if I'll ask her something, she's like, yo, what up, big pimpin'?
She's like, let me get you that, you know, let me get you those, whatever.
She's like, let me find you a hydration tablet that's in the, you know.
That's, I mean, that's, yeah, that's fucked up, but there's no doubt that's going to happen.
Yo, Big Pimpin', I'm right here vibing with you.
What you need, just hit me up and we'll keep it all hip-hop and smooth like always.
Not if I have anything to do with this.
It's going to get real weird.
Every time I come, I can't leave here with a full-blown new set of anxieties.
It's going for longer, Kim.
How about instead of the gym, you just take me a little bow and arrow practice?
Just give me enough, like if someone's running on my lawn, I could just take them.
I mean, what do you think there?
I mean, I guess this is better than dying?
Your hand gets chopped off.
He's like, I said unleaded.
He didn't freak out at all.
That was the most non... It was like he was picking up a quarter.
And it wasn't like they were in the jungle.
They were at a gas station.
What could they have been fighting over?
A lot of people had no, I bet it was very common to see people without limbs.
Quarterize it or something?
I just learned how George Washington died.
Never heard about how he died?
He caught a common cold and then thought that he needed to get his blood sucked out of him.
And so he got people to put leeches on him.
the leeches were just sucking the blood out of him and it was like it was like a cold and then he got infected and He basically caught him I guess he was he went out in the rain or something like that and got a cold and Then he it was a common cold and he put leeches on they sucked out his blood and then he was losing blood and then he He ended up doing more stuff to himself.
He basically killed himself and
Well, that's what the research says.
I mean, because on the show we made my buddy.
So there was a walking tour in New York City, like a historical tour, and it ends at Francis Tavern, which is the oldest bar, and that's where Washington hung out.
So we dressed him as Washington at the end of this tour, and we put leeches on him.
But we pulled it from the actual story.
Yeah, he had multiple doctors.
But somebody must have told him to do that.
And he kept thanking them, too.
He was being gracious through it all, being like, thank you so much for helping me.
I stopped watching Game of Thrones after season six just because I couldn't bear to see one more slit throat.
I don't know what happens after.
I only watched like season two or three.
No, you know what it was for me in Game of Thrones?
They put a little girl at the stake and burned her at the stake.
That was the end of season six.
I was like, why am I watching this?
It's not entertainment to me.
It was like really... It's a classic.
But I don't... I didn't care.
I was like, I can't watch another Slit Throat.
It was good to see all those characters get their comeuppance.
He didn't have a disease, though.
And it just was all of these things, blisters and suffocating him with the molasses and the bleaches and everything.
It's like, I didn't know that.
I can't even imagine being back then and having a conversation.
Just having a conversation with someone.
It's just a different time, man.
Yeah, Washington couldn't wear Jordans anywhere.
What's the most we put up with now, really?
It's wild to watch those movies right now.
Those are kind of accurate.
But we're all talking about it.
I'm sure the fish helmet didn't help either.
We talked about this last time, but I'm not good with jump scares.
I'm just not good with it.
They threw me in the hole now as we talked about this.
And nothing comes of it, right?
So we just wrapped season 12, so one of the last things, it's kind of my fault because we were going to do this to Q. We were going to put him in a demolition derby and stuff and then have him not be able to finish until he canceled his cable.
So insurance wouldn't let us do the demolition derby.
So now we're in Halloween time.
They found this place in Jersey that's like a warehouse.
It's an insane haunted house.
It's like these people come in and get into makeup like two hours before.
It's like a really crazy one.
They put me in this thing and I was on a live feed with an operator and I could not leave the haunted house until I canceled my phone, internet, and cable.
I was in it for 42 minutes.
The first thing that happened was it went live on the feed, so I'm hearing it.
I'm walking to a fucking warehouse.
The first thing that comes out is we are experiencing unusual traffic.
You have a 12 to 17 minute wait time.
So I'm going through the haunted house.
What do you mean you get it?
It was like- Did it ramp up?
Dude, it was like a warehouse.
I was never in the same room twice for 40 minutes.
It was like a huge, huge place.
And so you didn't know themes changed and demons changed and everything.
I'll tell you, this is an error in hindsight.
I shouldn't have done this, but I needed to know, because I said to them, I said, look, I just need-
if i'm really like if i need to breathe for a second if you're really messing with me and i need for real for it to stop i need you to let me know truthfully that you'll stop because i can't do this my my my nervous system is going to be out of whack it just it just this is how i respond to this stuff and so they said yes but i didn't believe them because i i've had this happen in the past like where we would with each other we don't tell the truth
So I brought a taser with me because I or a stun gun.
I brought one with me in there because it made me feel at least if I felt that I needed one of these people to back off from me and I took out the taser.
You showed them to scare it to them?
Yes, because after the 17 minute wait time, this guy came on.
You have to think about this like I thought he was gonna continually hang up on me Because I'm in a horn and how like he's screaming and his music and I'm screaming I'm running around and so I said as soon as he picked up I said just listen to me, please and I'm being dead serious.
I I Have to cancel my cable right now and I'm in a haunted house and there's no other time I could do it This is not a joke.
I need to stay on the phone with you So you're gonna hear screaming and me screaming and things happening, but please don't hang up on me, please And the guy goes I understand
So he stayed on the line with me after, he picked up, it was like 14 minutes.
So by the time I was like 30, 35 minutes in, and they said these people weren't gonna touch me, and they did, and I just, my nervous system was completely shocked.
They weren't supposed to touch you?
They were grabbing me, running up to me, jumping from behind, like all that stuff like that.
And so I was like, part of me thought that it might be a little funny, but also like they wouldn't come near me if I was going, you know, like, so I was like, this is my way.
And I took it out and I did it.
I didn't realize, though, that afterward I found out that the guy that owns the place, they were watching on the closed circuit televisions.
And he freaked out because he's like, well, he has a taser on?
Those people, they're supposed to still come at me.
But they played it really cool.
You know, like, they were, like, surrounding me and everything.
And I was, like, just hitting the taser on them.
But I put it away after a few minutes.
But, like, it did give me, like, a respite that, like, they weren't going to give me.
But after I canceled the cable, they were, like, it happened, like, sooner than I thought.
So they were, like, cancel phone.
Then after cancel phone, they added canceling internet.
So I stayed on with this guy, cancel phone, internet, and cable.
But I got, yeah, but I had it.
I had the taser and I, sometimes you got to take, you know, into your own hands, you know?
Have you ever been tasered?
I've been shocked really bad by large dog shock collars.
Yeah, so I guess I don't know if that's the same.
I had, they did this to me two times on the show.
They put them around my arms and legs.
At the same time, all four?
All four at the same time.
And my wife was like, you have to go to the doctor because you can.
It was like a hundred times they shocked me, right?
They made me give a museum tour.
So I was a tour guide in a museum.
I had them under my clothes and I couldn't let the people know that anything weird was going on.
So I'm giving a tour of this museum and the whole time they're shocking me under my clothes and I like can't let on to the people in my tour group.
And I didn't want to feel the shock until I was on camera because I was like, I'm not going to take any extra shocks.
So they shocked me for the first time on camera.
And I almost jumped out of my clothes.
I was like, I can't do this.
I had to do it because you can't say no to a punishment.
Well, listen, so the next season, they did it again, and I was at a seance.
And I was like a psychic medium.
This is how fucking dumb I am, because I think I did irreparable damage.
Because we went on tour after that.
All right, here's the difference.
I took karate for like six months.
They hit me one at a time, though.
I just don't know where it's going to come from.
But if they held it down, you literally go like this.
I'm saying it now, and I'm like, this should have never happened.
It was team sports for me, but I wasn't particularly.
Did they check your heart?
Did you go through an EKG or anything like that?
I'm worse off because when we went on tour after that, I thought it was funny to do live.
So for the whole tour, I would show a clip from the television show and then be like, I'm going to tell you this story about this time.
Did I tell you I have tattoos of Jaden Smith on my body?
Like photorealistic tattoos of Jaden Smith on my thighs.
So I was telling the story of that while hooked up to the shot callers at the show.
I actually, when the first year of grammar school, got a basketball team.
And so they called up someone from the audience, and they stood behind me, and they could shock me while I was doing this bit about Jaden whenever they wanted.
And we did that throughout the tour.
And I just always thought, well, if they do it to a dog, it's safe.
But the first one, he's 21 there.
The first one right there is when he was 15.
He didn't know about that one.
And I saw him in public and I showed him it.
Do you have to keep it there or can you cover it up?
The spirit was that I have to live with it.
It was at Comic-Con, and I saw him walking because he was dressed as Batman.
Jaden was dressed as Batman.
There was this month in the press where he was walking around everywhere in a white Batman suit.
And I saw that white Batman suit.
And I was like, that's Jaden.
And I'm like, Jaden, you don't know me.
I'm sorry, but I had to show you this.
And I went to go low on my pants and his security guard grabbed me by the neck.
And then the other security guard goes, no, I know who he is.
And he was like, oh my God, this is the first one I've ever seen.
And then as I'm showing it, I kind of look up and M. Night Shyamalan is staring at us because they did a movie together.
They were there promoting a movie after Earth, I think it was called.
And so if you were in eighth grade, you automatically made varsity.
Jaden Smith was in this alien movie or this outer space movie that M. Night Shyamalan directed.
And so I didn't realize because I didn't look at him.
So M. Night was just staring at me, show him.
Yeah, and so I just looked up and M. Night's looking at me and I'm just like, oh, hey, man.
yeah and so then we shot the movie of like four or five years later and uh they made me go to a movie premiere with him and afterwards there was a q a of the cast and i they made me like wear daisy dukes like short shorts so that his his thigh was showing and uh i didn't know he was in on he called me up to the stage and i had to act like i was wearing a shirt that said number one jaden fan
And then whatever remaining spots you had to try out.
So I had to look like a crazy person.
I'm like, I'm the number one James Bond.
He called me on stage and he goes, man, that was when I was like 15.
I don't even look like that anymore.
We left that stage, went right in that moment to a tattoo parlor and he posed for the other thigh.
I wasn't really good, but I tried out, and I was the last one cut.
We got like over 300 apps now.
It's really fucking awesome.
So I was the very first person to be placed on the JV team.
I'm doing the Chicago Theater in November.
I've got like 50, 60 dates.
It's on SavileCountdownComedy.com.
It's good to come back, man.
So the best of the JV, right?