Roy Blount Jr.
Appearances
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Adventure catting, it's called, and it's a full-blown trend, complete with special cat harnesses and social media feeds. People are taking their cats hiking, paddle boarding, and mountain climbing as if they were dogs or people, anything but cats. One adventure catter told NPR, quote, taking them on adventures is such a good bonding activity. I wouldn't want to leave them at home.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
The cat had no comment. It breaks the stereotype of cats, we are told. Well, I guess it does. Our cat, Jimmy, is adventurous, all right, when it comes to climbing way up behind a motel room sink or yowling with wildlife at 2 a.m. But can I see him swinging along a Sylvan hiking trail with us?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Much less paddle boarding and all the other distinctly non-feline sports that adventure cats, we are told, get up to. What I can see is Jimmy taking one look at the little Nike snowshoes somebody got him and laughing his little ass off.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
I believe that there is a tour that you can take to all the houses and sites of the Sopranos. Yes, you can. There is that. If I were an alien being, I would want to check that out first. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Yeah. Well... Oysters are worth it. Are they?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
The bandit hornet, the outlaw hornet, the illegal hornet, the... You're so close.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Get through a miserable round of questioning. Whoa.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Roy Blunt Jr. Jimmy Carter will get heaven with a high five from Abe Lincoln. And Dulce Sloan.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
Well, I flew here on one, but maybe that was just a plane.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone
That's true. Is the Pope Catholic?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
If you get there so close, you don't get to kick back and enjoy a little packet of $1,000 crackles. That's true.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
The bank, you know, like you swim to a bank, that kind of bank. No, no. Bank by the river. I'll give you a hand. Not firm bank.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
It was the only thing my children would eat for about six months. Well, not banana bread, but with bananas. And I mix it up with chocolate and milk and stuff. They love that.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
Yeah, I'm sort of saying this for effect. But they loved it. They loved that. And it was healthy for them. Yeah. All right. Here is your next limerick.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
Dove dived into a fountain. Exactly right. Oh, I just made that up. Specifically...
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
Roy Blunt Jr. They're going to eliminate italics. People, they did a study, they did a survey, and people just don't like them. People want to decide which words to emphasize on their own. And Faith, would you like to follow that?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
too i was hoping you'd say what it was because i couldn't yeah you can have hard hard book hard uh books though hard books hard books i don't like hard books i like the books they're rigid will work with me great But they look good on a shelf. I know, they're so beautiful.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
I can see that a couple of my books were way in advance of today because they didn't have a paperback. And they told me that it was because I had written the wrong book. All right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
If you're a German soccer player, we learned this week, it's all very well to bring your little boy to one of your games as long as you tell him this up front. Don't bite the referee in the balls. A match between two lower-level teams was about to begin. Suddenly, it was called off because the only referee was in too much pain. Let the referee tell it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Lauren Graham
A small child was doing warm-up exercises alongside the players. He came closer and closer to me. Suddenly, to my complete surprise, he gave me a sharp bite in my left testicle. So give the kid a break. Maybe the thing was hanging loose. Anyway, as any parent knows, you can never think of everything you need to tell a child not to do.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
It's very hard. Yeah. This is very difficult. I don't have smooth Bill Curtis making everything feel better. Look at the smile on his face, Peter.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
I have another show that I'm getting ready to host called Fortune of the Wheel. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
It didn't seem difficult. It was just like, you just drive and talk to strangers, and I get paid in Goldschlager and Rumpelmintz. This seems like an ideal career path. I was going to school for journalism, and I would get laughs. And so I was like, all right, well, this feels like comedy. I'm going to go do that.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
And I would just sleep in bus stations and do stand-up, get back to Tallahassee on Monday, and go to Golden Corral that night, work, and just go to class the next three days. That was my life.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
I think that every American... should either serve in the military a year or the food service industry for three years. Those two.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
Because especially the restaurant industry, because when you work in a restaurant, especially a midsize like that with a staff of about 40 to 50 back in front of house, that job, your first job as a teenager, that's the first time you encounter adults who don't give a shit about you. Most adults... I'm serious. Most adults in your life up until that point have a vested interest in you being okay.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
But I worked with a dude we literally called Cocaine Mike. This is a man who's 39 and doesn't care what 18-year-old Roy and he's going to talk to you about life. And... I feel like it also introduces you to every type of American. I worked in North Florida.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
So everything from white supremacists to nuns, to pastors, to gangbangers, to you meet literally every type of person and you have to figure out a way to connect with them. It's incredible. Hands down, the best life school I ever got was 213 and Hour in Tallahassee, Florida. Wow.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
And those bastards have never reached out. You know how McDonald's reaches out to all of their, like, oh, this is Macy Gray. She, you, look at Macy Gray. Put on the apron. They never reach out. Really?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
I don't know where Cocaine Mike is, but I sure hope that prison has NPR.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
She had a student that was a baggage handler at the bus station. And he went to her class. She was a college professor. And he went to my mom's class the next day and said, Dr. Wood, I saw your son sleeping in the bus station. You ain't seen none of my damn sons sleeping in no bus station. My baby in Tallahassee. No, he's not, Joyce. He's downtown. He's sleeping at the bus station.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
And so my mom never agreed or understood why comedy was what I wanted to do. But she was the one who put down for what ended up being my first road car because she didn't want me sleeping in bus stations. And it was essentially, I don't know why you do this. But you seem focused. Your grades have gotten better. Here's a car so you won't sleep in the bus stations." To which I said, thank you.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
And that car extended my reach. It changed everything. And I think my mom's objective was to get me the car so that I could drive back to Tallahassee after the show. But instead, I would now just travel twice as far and sleep in the car in bus station parking lots.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
You do? Do you have any reason to believe in ghosts? Yeah, I was dating a widower, and we were trying to have sex, and I kept getting a Charlie horse, and I feel like it was a dead husband.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
Ooh. That feels like a C. Give me C. Give me the Camel Cavalry.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
I don't... Japan has a lot of customs around food, so I don't think a ghost would be disrespectful on the food side of things. Not even a ghost. Yeah, I can see that. I can see that logic. Give me bad haircut. I've seen some bad haircuts in Asia. I've been over there a couple of times. Maybe it was a ghost that did it. So your choice is A, the haircut. Roy is right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Roy Wood, Jr.
As much as I want to believe that New York has to declare ghosts, New York won't even declare bad pipes. moving to these places, and it's all types of stuff. Vermont seems like a nice, fun, happy-go-lucky type of place. Give me claiming a ghost on the taxes.