Ron White
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Yeah, I already feel unprofessional.
Yeah, I already feel unprofessional.
Jesus Christ. What a fucking tragedy, man. What a fucking tragedy.
Jesus Christ. What a fucking tragedy, man. What a fucking tragedy.
And I've been in bad relationships before that I cut off. Of course. And then all of a sudden you can breathe again.
And I've been in bad relationships before that I cut off. Of course. And then all of a sudden you can breathe again.
The hole gets deeper and deeper and deeper. Excellent.
The hole gets deeper and deeper and deeper. Excellent.
Yeah. And you're in the court. With the whole thing falling to fucking pieces.
Yeah. And you're in the court. With the whole thing falling to fucking pieces.
Oh, I'm the worst. I'm so easy to lead me down a road. I'll just sniff my way.
Oh, I'm the worst. I'm so easy to lead me down a road. I'll just sniff my way.
I'm not going to make it. I felt it all start to deteriorate. So I called this doctor.
I'm not going to make it. I felt it all start to deteriorate. So I called this doctor.
He had kids with her? Mm-hmm.
He had kids with her? Mm-hmm.
I didn't. I didn't. I thought I would need another shot of steroids. That's so I called the doctor. I had the hotel call a doctor. And I thought I was getting the doctor that was, you know, whatever it takes to get through the show.
I didn't. I didn't. I thought I would need another shot of steroids. That's so I called the doctor. I had the hotel call a doctor. And I thought I was getting the doctor that was, you know, whatever it takes to get through the show.
Fuck, I forgot about that part of it. I mean, I forgot that she killed herself.
Fuck, I forgot about that part of it. I mean, I forgot that she killed herself.
And, you know, but that's not the doctor I got. The doctor I got was, we need to, let's test you for COVID. I'm like, no, no, I don't have COVID. He said, I won't charge you if it's negative, which didn't make any sense to me. And I said, well, okay. And then it came up positive for COVID. And he said, see there, the T and the X and the thing. And I said, yeah, I see it. Let's do it again.
And, you know, but that's not the doctor I got. The doctor I got was, we need to, let's test you for COVID. I'm like, no, no, I don't have COVID. He said, I won't charge you if it's negative, which didn't make any sense to me. And I said, well, okay. And then it came up positive for COVID. And he said, see there, the T and the X and the thing. And I said, yeah, I see it. Let's do it again.
You know, I lived in Mexico for a while with a woman who eventually took her own life. And, I mean, I was already out of the picture for a couple of years when that happened. But when I was in Mexico with her, I knew that I was trapped, number one. I moved down there to start a fucking pottery company. Because I was frustrated with stand-up comedy.
You know, I lived in Mexico for a while with a woman who eventually took her own life. And, I mean, I was already out of the picture for a couple of years when that happened. But when I was in Mexico with her, I knew that I was trapped, number one. I moved down there to start a fucking pottery company. Because I was frustrated with stand-up comedy.
The Funny Bone chain had just cut my pay by a third. Because they realized that I just worked for them. And I couldn't patch this schedule together without them. Oh, what a bunch of assholes. And I told the guy that ran the Funny Bone, Gerald Kubach, to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck. I don't even know what that would look like. It cost me a lot of work to say it, but it was still fun to say. Wow.
The Funny Bone chain had just cut my pay by a third. Because they realized that I just worked for them. And I couldn't patch this schedule together without them. Oh, what a bunch of assholes. And I told the guy that ran the Funny Bone, Gerald Kubach, to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck. I don't even know what that would look like. It cost me a lot of work to say it, but it was still fun to say. Wow.
But I moved with her down to Mexico, and I knew that she was crazy. And the way it came up was she had called a friend of mine and told her that sometimes she stands over my bed with a knife and just stares at me. And my son was there also part of the time. And I'm like, well, that's over. I got to get out of this.
But I moved with her down to Mexico, and I knew that she was crazy. And the way it came up was she had called a friend of mine and told her that sometimes she stands over my bed with a knife and just stares at me. And my son was there also part of the time. And I'm like, well, that's over. I got to get out of this.
But the big thing was I was depressed because of my situation because I didn't see a way out of it. You know, I didn't see a way out. I just couldn't see. I just couldn't see a path. And it got to where when I was around people, I couldn't talk. And, you know, I had no tribe. you know, at all. I was cut off from all my friends.
But the big thing was I was depressed because of my situation because I didn't see a way out of it. You know, I didn't see a way out. I just couldn't see. I just couldn't see a path. And it got to where when I was around people, I couldn't talk. And, you know, I had no tribe. you know, at all. I was cut off from all my friends.
And it's just something I did to myself with that move down to Mexico, which I was there for three years. And, uh, and it was just the worst time of my life. And I really didn't think I'd ever come out of it. I mean, I never, never thought I could even get back to a place where I could sit down and have a conversation with somebody. That's how depressed I was. And, um,
And it's just something I did to myself with that move down to Mexico, which I was there for three years. And, uh, and it was just the worst time of my life. And I really didn't think I'd ever come out of it. I mean, I never, never thought I could even get back to a place where I could sit down and have a conversation with somebody. That's how depressed I was. And, um,
I'm feeling good, finally, after my little bout with fucking COVID.
I'm feeling good, finally, after my little bout with fucking COVID.
And when I – it was funny because I moved into Mexico. I had the biggest truck that Ryder makes pulling the biggest trailer they make. My van pulling the biggest trailer they make, all headed down south. All your shit. Everything moved to Mexico.
And when I – it was funny because I moved into Mexico. I had the biggest truck that Ryder makes pulling the biggest trailer they make. My van pulling the biggest trailer they make, all headed down south. All your shit. Everything moved to Mexico.
Because I don't think I have COVID. So we did it again. Came up positive again. Not only would he not give me the COVID shot, he told me to quit taking the antibiotics I was already on. And he did nothing except for call the CDC to tell them I had COVID. And they both said, you cannot do the show. I'm like, wait a minute, you're the wrong doctor. I don't want to fucking retire today, shit.
Because I don't think I have COVID. So we did it again. Came up positive again. Not only would he not give me the COVID shot, he told me to quit taking the antibiotics I was already on. And he did nothing except for call the CDC to tell them I had COVID. And they both said, you cannot do the show. I'm like, wait a minute, you're the wrong doctor. I don't want to fucking retire today, shit.
Because my girlfriend at the time did this mosaic tile application to existing pottery. And she would sell it at – art shows or craft shows, you know, whatever. And it would sell really fast, but it took her six months to make any of it. So I thought, why wouldn't you just go down to Mexico and train a bunch of women how to make it and let her orchestrate it? And I fucking did it.
Because my girlfriend at the time did this mosaic tile application to existing pottery. And she would sell it at – art shows or craft shows, you know, whatever. And it would sell really fast, but it took her six months to make any of it. So I thought, why wouldn't you just go down to Mexico and train a bunch of women how to make it and let her orchestrate it? And I fucking did it.
I was part of that sucking sound that Ross Perot was talking about going to Mexico. Three years later, I had the exact same equipment headed north out of Mexico with the same exact truck, trailer, everything. That was a bad idea. Three years. Wow. She must have been hot. Oh, she was so hot. Oh, she was so hot. And I'd never been with a hot woman before.
I was part of that sucking sound that Ross Perot was talking about going to Mexico. Three years later, I had the exact same equipment headed north out of Mexico with the same exact truck, trailer, everything. That was a bad idea. Three years. Wow. She must have been hot. Oh, she was so hot. Oh, she was so hot. And I'd never been with a hot woman before.
I'd never been with, I mean, that was my girl, you know? Yeah. And she was just so, she was so beautiful. I'm like, I'm going to, I'll be with her even though I hate her, just so I can look at her. I'll just stare at her and that'll be enough. That's all I'll need. Turns out I needed a little more than that. You can only tolerate so much.
I'd never been with, I mean, that was my girl, you know? Yeah. And she was just so, she was so beautiful. I'm like, I'm going to, I'll be with her even though I hate her, just so I can look at her. I'll just stare at her and that'll be enough. That's all I'll need. Turns out I needed a little more than that. You can only tolerate so much.
And then I ended up marrying this other girl that was horrible. I mean, I know she's probably listening to this right now, so I don't mean horrible, but horrible. But she always searched the internet for things about me so she could say, hey, this person said thanks for signing my girlfriend's tickets. What, are you out there signing girlfriend's tickets?
And then I ended up marrying this other girl that was horrible. I mean, I know she's probably listening to this right now, so I don't mean horrible, but horrible. But she always searched the internet for things about me so she could say, hey, this person said thanks for signing my girlfriend's tickets. What, are you out there signing girlfriend's tickets?
Yeah, I was signing anybody's ticket, you know, just always looking. Every time she'd turn on her computer, it'd make me sick to my stomach because I didn't know what she was going to come up with. You know, I'm no angel anyway. But so that girl's sister, when she killed herself, sent me a post that my ex-wife found. She printed it saying that she had killed herself.
Yeah, I was signing anybody's ticket, you know, just always looking. Every time she'd turn on her computer, it'd make me sick to my stomach because I didn't know what she was going to come up with. You know, I'm no angel anyway. But so that girl's sister, when she killed herself, sent me a post that my ex-wife found. She printed it saying that she had killed herself.
She brought it in and handed it to me. And all I did was sit down on the couch and she goes, oh, now you loved her. I'm like, just give me a minute, okay?
She brought it in and handed it to me. And all I did was sit down on the couch and she goes, oh, now you loved her. I'm like, just give me a minute, okay?
She got the note from her. She got the letter from her sister and handed it to me, and she saw it affected me. Oh, Jesus. Oh, now you loved her.
She got the note from her. She got the letter from her sister and handed it to me, and she saw it affected me. Oh, Jesus. Oh, now you loved her.
Yeah, just give me a minute.
Yeah, just give me a minute.
Oh, man. Let's see. Not very many that I really knew. My best friend, one of my best friends from childhood, killed himself. But we thought he died at the massacre in Waco because he was a big Koresh guy.
Oh, man. Let's see. Not very many that I really knew. My best friend, one of my best friends from childhood, killed himself. But we thought he died at the massacre in Waco because he was a big Koresh guy.
Yeah, he missed the massacre, but we thought maybe he's there when it was all going down, but he wasn't. And eventually, it was an odd thing anyway. He was a dear friend from childhood. His dad was the music director at my church, and he and I used to buff the floors of the church with those big bluffs. That was our job on one day a week that we'd go down there and
Yeah, he missed the massacre, but we thought maybe he's there when it was all going down, but he wasn't. And eventually, it was an odd thing anyway. He was a dear friend from childhood. His dad was the music director at my church, and he and I used to buff the floors of the church with those big bluffs. That was our job on one day a week that we'd go down there and
And we'd actually sing Neil Young songs to the top of our lungs because we... Well, I dreamed I saw the nights in our... We just sing the fuck out of Neil Young sucks. That's the only tape I had, you know. I know you and him had a little problem, but... I don't have no problem with him. I know, you were so sweet about that.
And we'd actually sing Neil Young songs to the top of our lungs because we... Well, I dreamed I saw the nights in our... We just sing the fuck out of Neil Young sucks. That's the only tape I had, you know. I know you and him had a little problem, but... I don't have no problem with him. I know, you were so sweet about that.
No, he didn't. That's all it is. That was a dumb thing.
No, he didn't. That's all it is. That was a dumb thing.
I want to, here's your drummer's a junkie, he's out of heroin, get him some fucking something to get him through this goddamn show.
I want to, here's your drummer's a junkie, he's out of heroin, get him some fucking something to get him through this goddamn show.
Yeah, I have really, really healthy boundaries when it comes to people that don't make me feel good. I just won't hang around.
Yeah, I have really, really healthy boundaries when it comes to people that don't make me feel good. I just won't hang around.
I got some other shit going on.
I got some other shit going on.
But you know what? I'll tell you what makes you a good friend. When you get successful, and I'll just talk about successful like I am. It's hard to find anybody that will disagree with you, you know, that because there's something to gain. And that's true with you, too. I mean that.
But you know what? I'll tell you what makes you a good friend. When you get successful, and I'll just talk about successful like I am. It's hard to find anybody that will disagree with you, you know, that because there's something to gain. And that's true with you, too. I mean that.
you know you you hold a lot of power and you have something a lot of people fucking want and i know that because i have a i have a box of and i should have brought them and given them to you anyway i'll bring them to the club tonight but it's just a guy i met that owns a sunglass company and he makes sunglasses for hunting and he and so he said wait a minute who wears sunglasses when they hunt
you know you you hold a lot of power and you have something a lot of people fucking want and i know that because i have a i have a box of and i should have brought them and given them to you anyway i'll bring them to the club tonight but it's just a guy i met that owns a sunglass company and he makes sunglasses for hunting and he and so he said wait a minute who wears sunglasses when they hunt
Yeah. He said that one of them were specifically for bow hunting. It makes you see the target better or something.
Yeah. He said that one of them were specifically for bow hunting. It makes you see the target better or something.
You know, I don't know. I don't hunt, so I don't really know anything about hunting in glasses. He just said he was going to send a box. Would you give them to Joe? And I said, yeah, I'll give them to him. And I didn't.
You know, I don't know. I don't hunt, so I don't really know anything about hunting in glasses. He just said he was going to send a box. Would you give them to Joe? And I said, yeah, I'll give them to him. And I didn't.
I don't know. That's what he told me, though.
I don't know. That's what he told me, though.
Oh, anyway, what I'm saying is this.
Oh, anyway, what I'm saying is this.
What I'm saying is this. That... You're one of the only friends that I have that'll say, no, that's fucked up, Ron. You don't agree with me to make me feel better because I have something you need. You'll go ahead and go, nah.
What I'm saying is this. That... You're one of the only friends that I have that'll say, no, that's fucked up, Ron. You don't agree with me to make me feel better because I have something you need. You'll go ahead and go, nah.
Why? Well, you know, I was faced with. Do I cancel a show? Well, that's not the same as St. Louis when they just move the date and the people from St. Louis come back out. This is Las Vegas. Right. A lot of those people come specifically to see me because I don't do all those shows that I used to do. So it's kind of, if you want to come see it, that's a good place. And so it's a problem.
Why? Well, you know, I was faced with. Do I cancel a show? Well, that's not the same as St. Louis when they just move the date and the people from St. Louis come back out. This is Las Vegas. Right. A lot of those people come specifically to see me because I don't do all those shows that I used to do. So it's kind of, if you want to come see it, that's a good place. And so it's a problem.
They got me with the new COVID, man.
They got me with the new COVID, man.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You know, it's a refund. You've got to refund them all because those people aren't going to be there. Most importantly, your fans are bummed out. Yeah. I've disappointed them. Everybody's here. Fuck, let's do the show. So... I was just sitting there. I didn't know what to do.
You know, it's a refund. You've got to refund them all because those people aren't going to be there. Most importantly, your fans are bummed out. Yeah. I've disappointed them. Everybody's here. Fuck, let's do the show. So... I was just sitting there. I didn't know what to do.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So I'm like, well, I'm just going to call MGM Grand and tell them what the fuck's going on and let it be their call, you know. And they were like, so how do you feel? I'm like, I feel like I can make it through the show. And they're like, well, I say let's just go ahead and do it. You know, it's a big room. You're not within six feet of anybody.
So I'm like, well, I'm just going to call MGM Grand and tell them what the fuck's going on and let it be their call, you know. And they were like, so how do you feel? I'm like, I feel like I can make it through the show. And they're like, well, I say let's just go ahead and do it. You know, it's a big room. You're not within six feet of anybody.
I had, you know, my girlfriend raised two kids, and she said she's never seen anybody puke as much as I did for two days. Wow. And it was brutal. It was just bile, and I don't even know if I've ever been that sick. I only got that part of it a couple of days.
I had, you know, my girlfriend raised two kids, and she said she's never seen anybody puke as much as I did for two days. Wow. And it was brutal. It was just bile, and I don't even know if I've ever been that sick. I only got that part of it a couple of days.
Big time. I'm an asshole. The biggest asshole ever. It would be so horrible. Nobody got sick. I know. Nobody did.
Big time. I'm an asshole. The biggest asshole ever. It would be so horrible. Nobody got sick. I know. Nobody did.
All you got to do is figure out what's wrong with you.
All you got to do is figure out what's wrong with you.
And it wasn't until the next day that I got sick. That's when the vomiting started. It wasn't in Vegas. It was day two. It was Tuesday after Kill Tony. That's when I got sick. And it was fucking awful. awful i mean for two days just off did you get another steroid shot No, nobody would give me one. So I don't know, man. I just got the wrong guy.
And it wasn't until the next day that I got sick. That's when the vomiting started. It wasn't in Vegas. It was day two. It was Tuesday after Kill Tony. That's when I got sick. And it was fucking awful. awful i mean for two days just off did you get another steroid shot No, nobody would give me one. So I don't know, man. I just got the wrong guy.
What is it? Well, that was the question I had with myself because I drank like a fool for years.
What is it? Well, that was the question I had with myself because I drank like a fool for years.
It was funny because whenever I was single again and I was in the green room and I said, maybe I'll start drinking again. And everybody at one time went, no. No, no, no. No, that's not it. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.
It was funny because whenever I was single again and I was in the green room and I said, maybe I'll start drinking again. And everybody at one time went, no. No, no, no. No, that's not it. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.
I did. But I went to Rhythmia with intention. I wanted to know why. I was doing this to myself and why I could not see a way to quit. And it was so tied up in my persona, my stage presence, who I really was at the time. And I'm like, why is this all tied to me? And why can't I shake it? And so with that, I also went through hypnosis because I had to get sober before I went to
I did. But I went to Rhythmia with intention. I wanted to know why. I was doing this to myself and why I could not see a way to quit. And it was so tied up in my persona, my stage presence, who I really was at the time. And I'm like, why is this all tied to me? And why can't I shake it? And so with that, I also went through hypnosis because I had to get sober before I went to
because that's not what their deal is they're not a treatment facility it could be a byproduct of it but they're like yeah we're not gonna we don't have detox here you know so you have to quit some other way and and once you've been sober for a month you can come down here which is exactly what i did i came up with a way to do that through hypnosis which i thought was pretty effective and and but
because that's not what their deal is they're not a treatment facility it could be a byproduct of it but they're like yeah we're not gonna we don't have detox here you know so you have to quit some other way and and once you've been sober for a month you can come down here which is exactly what i did i came up with a way to do that through hypnosis which i thought was pretty effective and and but
I got sober once before in one of those rehabs in Malibu for 90 grand, which was, at the time, I was spiraling. I was living in a five-star hotel in Beverly Hills. I was doing a bunch of blow. I was screwing expensive hookers, which was exactly my life plan. I'm like, okay, here it is. Okay. And it ended up feeling pretty hollow, you know, and I ended up going there.
I got sober once before in one of those rehabs in Malibu for 90 grand, which was, at the time, I was spiraling. I was living in a five-star hotel in Beverly Hills. I was doing a bunch of blow. I was screwing expensive hookers, which was exactly my life plan. I'm like, okay, here it is. Okay. And it ended up feeling pretty hollow, you know, and I ended up going there.
And I stayed sober for about... maybe six months or something like that, but it was white knuckle the whole fucking time of, you know, no fun.
And I stayed sober for about... maybe six months or something like that, but it was white knuckle the whole fucking time of, you know, no fun.
But when I, when I did it the way I did it, when I checked into that facility, I got the sweat night sweats so bad when I quit that I would, they had two beds in the new people's things and I would soak the sheets in one of them and move to the other bed and And soak the sheets in that one. I was detoxing big time. Never happened this time.
But when I, when I did it the way I did it, when I checked into that facility, I got the sweat night sweats so bad when I quit that I would, they had two beds in the new people's things and I would soak the sheets in one of them and move to the other bed and And soak the sheets in that one. I was detoxing big time. Never happened this time.
I never had a night sweat, never regretted it, never thought about it again, never tempted. Wow. To drink again. And I own, number one, tequila still. And it's there at the green room every night. And it doesn't even bother me a bit.
I never had a night sweat, never regretted it, never thought about it again, never tempted. Wow. To drink again. And I own, number one, tequila still. And it's there at the green room every night. And it doesn't even bother me a bit.
Right. And yeah, is it a little awkward at first? Yes, and do I hang out in bars all the time other than our club? No, I don't. I mean, I'll go listen to music if there's something, but just to go to a bar and hang out, I just don't do it.
Right. And yeah, is it a little awkward at first? Yes, and do I hang out in bars all the time other than our club? No, I don't. I mean, I'll go listen to music if there's something, but just to go to a bar and hang out, I just don't do it.
Whoa. Right. So, and I also have a tendency, a natural tendency to just kind of isolate anyway, you know? And so I really, that's one of the things I love about the club is it gets me out of the house. It gets me to go down there where my friends are and do what I do for a living and what I do for a living and what I do for fun, both.
Whoa. Right. So, and I also have a tendency, a natural tendency to just kind of isolate anyway, you know? And so I really, that's one of the things I love about the club is it gets me out of the house. It gets me to go down there where my friends are and do what I do for a living and what I do for a living and what I do for fun, both.
Yeah. Yeah. Because I think that, I think that people like you and I, I think a lot gets dumped on us, you know, because of all the friends that I know that I've known for a long time, I'm the only one that's been very successful, not out of my comic friends, but out of my regular friends. And it seems like I get... Just I have to take in a lot of stuff, and I never knew how to get rid of it.
Yeah. Yeah. Because I think that, I think that people like you and I, I think a lot gets dumped on us, you know, because of all the friends that I know that I've known for a long time, I'm the only one that's been very successful, not out of my comic friends, but out of my regular friends. And it seems like I get... Just I have to take in a lot of stuff, and I never knew how to get rid of it.
So I would just get to the point where I was full and I couldn't take anymore, and that's when I would isolate myself.
So I would just get to the point where I was full and I couldn't take anymore, and that's when I would isolate myself.
Too many people want something from you. Too many people want something. That's why I gravitate towards you is because I know you don't want jack shit from me except for me to be your buddy and let us be brothers in comedy and whatever. And life. And so, you know, so that's really good for me. Even today, you know, that's what gets me out of the house sometimes, you know.
Too many people want something from you. Too many people want something. That's why I gravitate towards you is because I know you don't want jack shit from me except for me to be your buddy and let us be brothers in comedy and whatever. And life. And so, you know, so that's really good for me. Even today, you know, that's what gets me out of the house sometimes, you know.
Who were those two actors that were at the club the other day? It was so much fun to have them in there. Which night? Fuck, I don't know. We get a lot of visitors. When Woody was there? No. Which him?
Who were those two actors that were at the club the other day? It was so much fun to have them in there. Which night? Fuck, I don't know. We get a lot of visitors. When Woody was there? No. Which him?
Yeah, Brad Cooper and... Well, it was fun to have him in the green room because, you know, we're all around each other all the time, so it was fun to have new people in there with stories we've never heard.
Yeah, Brad Cooper and... Well, it was fun to have him in the green room because, you know, we're all around each other all the time, so it was fun to have new people in there with stories we've never heard.
Yeah, it was cool as shit, you know, just to have him hanging out, you know, good guys, you know. Yeah.
Yeah, it was cool as shit, you know, just to have him hanging out, you know, good guys, you know. Yeah.
Just to get me around the corner. So I'm back. I feel fine today. That's good. Good to see you back. Really good news. You coming to the club tonight? You know, they asked me to, I don't know who's got the set tonight. I don't know who's got the show. We do.
Just to get me around the corner. So I'm back. I feel fine today. That's good. Good to see you back. Really good news. You coming to the club tonight? You know, they asked me to, I don't know who's got the set tonight. I don't know who's got the show. We do.
Right. You know? Well, I don't answer emails anyway.
Right. You know? Well, I don't answer emails anyway.
I think so, too. That's why I'm so close-minded. And I really am. I'm truly close-minded, and I think you're open-minded. I try to be. And I struggle with that because just letting people pour information into my head, I just tend to avoid it. I am engaged. You know, in that I do follow things closely and not the stock market, but everything else. That's been a little bruiser.
I think so, too. That's why I'm so close-minded. And I really am. I'm truly close-minded, and I think you're open-minded. I try to be. And I struggle with that because just letting people pour information into my head, I just tend to avoid it. I am engaged. You know, in that I do follow things closely and not the stock market, but everything else. That's been a little bruiser.
Yeah. That's what somebody told me the other day. Is he playing checkers? Is he playing chess?
Yeah. That's what somebody told me the other day. Is he playing checkers? Is he playing chess?
I voted for him. He had big ears.
I voted for him. He had big ears.
Kill Tony was on Netflix last night. Yeah, isn't that amazing?
Kill Tony was on Netflix last night. Yeah, isn't that amazing?
Jesus Christ, what a fucking smart man. He was right.
Jesus Christ, what a fucking smart man. He was right.
Jesus Christ, they'd have smoothed the fuck out, man.
Jesus Christ, they'd have smoothed the fuck out, man.
I don't understand the trade war with Canada, because have you ever met a Canadian that had $35 in his pocket? No. They're all broke. They have $22. Really? And they'll buy you a beer. I love Canadians. Yeah, they're broke. They don't have any money up there. How come they don't have any money? Because it's socialism. I think it's a great place. Don't you love Canada? I love it.
I don't understand the trade war with Canada, because have you ever met a Canadian that had $35 in his pocket? No. They're all broke. They have $22. Really? And they'll buy you a beer. I love Canadians. Yeah, they're broke. They don't have any money up there. How come they don't have any money? Because it's socialism. I think it's a great place. Don't you love Canada? I love it.
It is, but socialized medicine. It's expensive.
It is, but socialized medicine. It's expensive.
Yeah, you have to pay taxes.
Yeah, you have to pay taxes.
And you get paid in Canadian dollars. I'm not going up there much for shows.
And you get paid in Canadian dollars. I'm not going up there much for shows.
It's sweet. I always believed in it, and you know that. I always saw something in Tony. I was never sure what exactly it was, but I saw something. This kid works hard. He's got a dream that he's fucking making it work, and he's making it work with hard work. He works hard.
It's sweet. I always believed in it, and you know that. I always saw something in Tony. I was never sure what exactly it was, but I saw something. This kid works hard. He's got a dream that he's fucking making it work, and he's making it work with hard work. He works hard.
Well, that's me last month.
Well, that's me last month.
Well, I'm kind of, I agree with you. And I've just heard you say this, that, you know, everybody should have access to health care and education.
Well, I'm kind of, I agree with you. And I've just heard you say this, that, you know, everybody should have access to health care and education.
The whole country. The whole country, everybody. That would rise us all up.
The whole country. The whole country, everybody. That would rise us all up.
All my son's friends are all saddled with $90,000 worth of fucking student loan debt. Subsidized. And my son was lucky enough that I had enough money to pay for his, you know, and so he doesn't have that burden. But God damn it, nobody should have that burden for an education.
All my son's friends are all saddled with $90,000 worth of fucking student loan debt. Subsidized. And my son was lucky enough that I had enough money to pay for his, you know, and so he doesn't have that burden. But God damn it, nobody should have that burden for an education.
If you have the discipline.
If you have the discipline.
I can't imagine. I mean, I don't see how people do it. I mean, I really don't.
I can't imagine. I mean, I don't see how people do it. I mean, I really don't.
That's one year. And if you drop out after one year, then you have nothing and you're down 80 grand.
That's one year. And if you drop out after one year, then you have nothing and you're down 80 grand.
And then you have to throw a couple of kids on top of that. Yeah.
And then you have to throw a couple of kids on top of that. Yeah.
Oh, wow. That's a good school.
Oh, wow. That's a good school.
Oh, I didn't waste any time. I got kicked out of high school in the 10th grade, so... You know, my mind is an open book there. A lot of the pages aren't filled in. And you know what? And I always kind of, I regret, I regret that a little bit, you know, that I didn't go to college, that I didn't.
Oh, I didn't waste any time. I got kicked out of high school in the 10th grade, so... You know, my mind is an open book there. A lot of the pages aren't filled in. And you know what? And I always kind of, I regret, I regret that a little bit, you know, that I didn't go to college, that I didn't.
Well, just, you know, well, number one, I think I'd be smarter now. I don't know what it is, and I've made it just fine with what I've had. I've got attention deficit disorder and all these things. It really kept me from doing traditional schoolwork very well. I'm not even sure that's real. Attention deficit disorder?
Well, just, you know, well, number one, I think I'd be smarter now. I don't know what it is, and I've made it just fine with what I've had. I've got attention deficit disorder and all these things. It really kept me from doing traditional schoolwork very well. I'm not even sure that's real. Attention deficit disorder?
You don't? No. Let me change your mind.
You don't? No. Let me change your mind.
I don't know about that. I think stand-up comedy... was the answer to every problem I had. Because that's what I was good at.
I don't know about that. I think stand-up comedy... was the answer to every problem I had. Because that's what I was good at.
I think they probably tag ADD to people that don't have it. But I know that I still have it. So if let's say that I was going to put together A ceiling fan and hang it in my roof, which I'm not. I could no more do that than the man in the moon without an Adderall. If I take an Adderall, I'll read the directions. I'll put the whole thing together and hang it on. No problem.
I think they probably tag ADD to people that don't have it. But I know that I still have it. So if let's say that I was going to put together A ceiling fan and hang it in my roof, which I'm not. I could no more do that than the man in the moon without an Adderall. If I take an Adderall, I'll read the directions. I'll put the whole thing together and hang it on. No problem.
Starting with six people in the crowd.
Starting with six people in the crowd.
Without it, I stare at it. I've tried.
Without it, I stare at it. I've tried.
Right. You don't hear a word that's coming out of their mouth.
Right. You don't hear a word that's coming out of their mouth.
I just want to get out. I'm the same way.
I just want to get out. I'm the same way.
Well, let's let's let's get to ceiling fans out here.
Well, let's let's let's get to ceiling fans out here.
You know, I know that when I was a kid, I used to have this history teacher who was also a PE coach. Now, he had something as intriguing as history to teach me. But I could not listen to him talk. So he couldn't even make American history interesting. But a good teacher could have done it.
You know, I know that when I was a kid, I used to have this history teacher who was also a PE coach. Now, he had something as intriguing as history to teach me. But I could not listen to him talk. So he couldn't even make American history interesting. But a good teacher could have done it.
A good teacher could have roped me in to what was going on and the story of it and how it affects my life and the lives of my parents and my grandparents, how it all went down. That's an interesting story.
A good teacher could have roped me in to what was going on and the story of it and how it affects my life and the lives of my parents and my grandparents, how it all went down. That's an interesting story.
But if you're a dull fucking assistant coach basketball and now you've got one period of history and you have a monotone voice and I'm just out of it, I imagine what it would have been like to have access to wonderful educators.
But if you're a dull fucking assistant coach basketball and now you've got one period of history and you have a monotone voice and I'm just out of it, I imagine what it would have been like to have access to wonderful educators.
Well, the one thing is I didn't waste that time. Right. There you go. There you go. I did.
Well, the one thing is I didn't waste that time. Right. There you go. There you go. I did.
But I think I'd have a better understanding. Of how the world works, if I'd understood world history. Right. You know, I mean, those kinds of things. I just wish I was, you know, I wish I had an education. But what would I do with it? I have no idea. I'd still do stand-up, so. Yeah, well, hopefully. And I wouldn't be any fucking funnier.
But I think I'd have a better understanding. Of how the world works, if I'd understood world history. Right. You know, I mean, those kinds of things. I just wish I was, you know, I wish I had an education. But what would I do with it? I have no idea. I'd still do stand-up, so. Yeah, well, hopefully. And I wouldn't be any fucking funnier.
I was, before I started doing stand-up, I was a window salesman. And I was broke and I had nothing and I was unimpressive. And my in-laws bought us a garage door opener. So I had a garage door opener. Now you're going to think this is really fucking weird. I used to wear that garage door opener on my belt so people would think I had a beeper.
I was, before I started doing stand-up, I was a window salesman. And I was broke and I had nothing and I was unimpressive. And my in-laws bought us a garage door opener. So I had a garage door opener. Now you're going to think this is really fucking weird. I used to wear that garage door opener on my belt so people would think I had a beeper.
Yeah. Hey, what's up? And you'd stop at a phone booth now that what a phone booth is.
Yeah. Hey, what's up? And you'd stop at a phone booth now that what a phone booth is.
Yeah, he calls me every once in a while just to say hello. Just to say hi. Yeah, just to say hi. He's checking on you.
Yeah, he calls me every once in a while just to say hello. Just to say hi. Yeah, just to say hi. He's checking on you.
So is he going to come down to do sets?
So is he going to come down to do sets?
Right, he is. He is. There's nothing like him. Nothing like him.
Right, he is. He is. There's nothing like him. Nothing like him.
It was fun to watch him just stomp the fuck out of the fucking room at the store, man. He just beat the shit out of those crowds.
It was fun to watch him just stomp the fuck out of the fucking room at the store, man. He just beat the shit out of those crowds.
Oh, I saw him wind them up, man. Just wind them up.
Oh, I saw him wind them up, man. Just wind them up.
Those are some of the first sets I saw you do at the store when you were doing that bit where you were standing on top of the stool. Oh, the Kim Kardashian bit? Yeah. Fucking. And I just remember just how just Dick slapped those fucking crowds. I'm like, God damn it. He's good at this. Fuck.
Those are some of the first sets I saw you do at the store when you were doing that bit where you were standing on top of the stool. Oh, the Kim Kardashian bit? Yeah. Fucking. And I just remember just how just Dick slapped those fucking crowds. I'm like, God damn it. He's good at this. Fuck.
You know, as far as just a fucking entertaining thing to goddamn do, I mean, just to come down, you know, my last girlfriend was so addicted to the show. She would come almost every Monday. And it's hard for me to go down there on Kill Tony night because they got the You know, the green rooms hocked out to 19,000 people and there's no place for me to go. Right.
You know, as far as just a fucking entertaining thing to goddamn do, I mean, just to come down, you know, my last girlfriend was so addicted to the show. She would come almost every Monday. And it's hard for me to go down there on Kill Tony night because they got the You know, the green rooms hocked out to 19,000 people and there's no place for me to go. Right.
When I think about a life without stand-up, it makes me nervous to even think about it.
When I think about a life without stand-up, it makes me nervous to even think about it.
Yeah. I didn't like it anymore. It was halfway through every set. I was couldn't wait for it to be over. Wow. And now I go on stage and I have this whole new gratitude for these crowds, you know, that are still there waiting bigger than ever. My shows sell out faster than they ever have. Isn't that amazing? And part of it is because there's less of them, I guess.
Yeah. I didn't like it anymore. It was halfway through every set. I was couldn't wait for it to be over. Wow. And now I go on stage and I have this whole new gratitude for these crowds, you know, that are still there waiting bigger than ever. My shows sell out faster than they ever have. Isn't that amazing? And part of it is because there's less of them, I guess.
But also it's because of my friends. You know, the word gets out. You know, you guys didn't let me die.
But also it's because of my friends. You know, the word gets out. You know, you guys didn't let me die.
No, there's a difference. I don't even like to do... I don't even like to do sets other places. I don't either. That's really what's wrong with the mothership. I don't know. It'll spoil your fucking ass with great crowds and perfect acoustics and an amazing sound system. And then when you move over to another room, which I rarely do, do another set in town.
No, there's a difference. I don't even like to do... I don't even like to do sets other places. I don't either. That's really what's wrong with the mothership. I don't know. It'll spoil your fucking ass with great crowds and perfect acoustics and an amazing sound system. And then when you move over to another room, which I rarely do, do another set in town.
I did one a couple months ago, and I was like, this sucks. If you guys want to find me, I'll be down at the mothership. Thank you.
I did one a couple months ago, and I was like, this sucks. If you guys want to find me, I'll be down at the mothership. Thank you.
And so, you know, but she was addicted to it. I mean, just as something fun to do, you know.
And so, you know, but she was addicted to it. I mean, just as something fun to do, you know.
Because you're going to get some great comics. And it doesn't matter if the comic eats it on stage because it's still funny. You know, that's not the point. The point is that everybody has access, you know, in some way. And and and there's no shortcut to get there because I tried to shortcut it because I thought I could because I was Ron White.
Because you're going to get some great comics. And it doesn't matter if the comic eats it on stage because it's still funny. You know, that's not the point. The point is that everybody has access, you know, in some way. And and and there's no shortcut to get there because I tried to shortcut it because I thought I could because I was Ron White.
And I my banker said, yeah, I've been doing stand up and I'd love to get no problem. I'll tell him I'll fix this for you. And he was like, yeah, no, you can't. It's a bucket pool. That's the only way he can do it is to get his name in there.
And I my banker said, yeah, I've been doing stand up and I'd love to get no problem. I'll tell him I'll fix this for you. And he was like, yeah, no, you can't. It's a bucket pool. That's the only way he can do it is to get his name in there.
I don't remember that being a symptom.
I don't remember that being a symptom.
And it's inclusive to anybody. I mean, it's amazing to me. He had the vision to put anybody, anybody, no matter what kind of physical shape, you can't even say a word, and handicapped on top of that. All you have to do is just give it a go. Give it a go.
And it's inclusive to anybody. I mean, it's amazing to me. He had the vision to put anybody, anybody, no matter what kind of physical shape, you can't even say a word, and handicapped on top of that. All you have to do is just give it a go. Give it a go.
Things disguise themselves, and we call them coincidences. But there really are no coincidences. And if you'll look for things that look like coincidences, you can follow that line and go somewhere with it. Yeah. And I feel like that that's what happened whenever, you know, with the mass exodus and people started coming to comedy. To make this the best comedy scene in the world. Yeah.
Things disguise themselves, and we call them coincidences. But there really are no coincidences. And if you'll look for things that look like coincidences, you can follow that line and go somewhere with it. Yeah. And I feel like that that's what happened whenever, you know, with the mass exodus and people started coming to comedy. To make this the best comedy scene in the world. Yeah.
You know, those things fell into place because that's what was supposed to happen. And I think it all happened because of me. In that, I needed it the worst. I needed this more than anybody else did. And I feel like I was able to cash in all my fucking karma or whatever and draw it all into me a little bit. Because I needed it.
You know, those things fell into place because that's what was supposed to happen. And I think it all happened because of me. In that, I needed it the worst. I needed this more than anybody else did. And I feel like I was able to cash in all my fucking karma or whatever and draw it all into me a little bit. Because I needed it.
That's a big time stamp right there.
That's a big time stamp right there.
And there's a lot of people doing their best. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled for the success of it. It's incredible. Yeah, it really is.
And there's a lot of people doing their best. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled for the success of it. It's incredible. Yeah, it really is.
But it was, too, at one time, wasn't it?
But it was, too, at one time, wasn't it?
You know, I lost Vic Henley to that disease in New York City early on.
You know, I lost Vic Henley to that disease in New York City early on.
Didn't Vic... I'll admit that. I mean, he was a raging alcoholic, and he knew it. And I knew he was really considering making some changes in his life, you know, that he was talking to me about. And then, boom, you know, gone. So...
Didn't Vic... I'll admit that. I mean, he was a raging alcoholic, and he knew it. And I knew he was really considering making some changes in his life, you know, that he was talking to me about. And then, boom, you know, gone. So...
Yeah, and it made me really proud, too, just to walk out on stage, and it's you and Shane and Segura and Tony, and these are my friends.
Yeah, and it made me really proud, too, just to walk out on stage, and it's you and Shane and Segura and Tony, and these are my friends.
you know these are my buddies this is my tribe right here and uh and we're doing something really special and it's a hoot you know it is a hoot it's a hoot yeah and it's uh that club's the best place for it i had a nightmare the other night oh no yeah and it was uh about the club Oh, no. And that I was the headliner that night. And I got down there and there were like nine 11-year-old girls.
you know these are my buddies this is my tribe right here and uh and we're doing something really special and it's a hoot you know it is a hoot it's a hoot yeah and it's uh that club's the best place for it i had a nightmare the other night oh no yeah and it was uh about the club Oh, no. And that I was the headliner that night. And I got down there and there were like nine 11-year-old girls.
I didn't get off the couch the whole time I had COVID.
I didn't get off the couch the whole time I had COVID.
It's hard to even look back on it and realize that it happened. You know, that it really fucking happened. That we were locked up, locked down.
It's hard to even look back on it and realize that it happened. You know, that it really fucking happened. That we were locked up, locked down.
Well, I went to Vegas. And early, and I just thought I had a cold when I went, and my doctor here gave me a shot of steroids, and I felt way fucking better. I mean, I felt better everywhere. I was more flexible. I was like, fuck, I want to do steroids every goddamn day. What kind of steroid was it?
Well, I went to Vegas. And early, and I just thought I had a cold when I went, and my doctor here gave me a shot of steroids, and I felt way fucking better. I mean, I felt better everywhere. I was more flexible. I was like, fuck, I want to do steroids every goddamn day. What kind of steroid was it?
And that's all the tickets we could sell. And I was like, did you tell them I was coming? Yeah, we put it in the thing.
And that's all the tickets we could sell. And I was like, did you tell them I was coming? Yeah, we put it in the thing.
Or eat a steaming bowl of fuck.
Or eat a steaming bowl of fuck.
Yeah. So you guys come on down to Austin, Texas and check out the mothership and see how much fun we're having. If you don't believe it, we're making this shit up because you also almost bought the cult house. Yeah, right. That would have been – We would have made it happen. People say, yeah, that would have been horrible. It wouldn't have been horrible. No, it would have been amazing.
Yeah. So you guys come on down to Austin, Texas and check out the mothership and see how much fun we're having. If you don't believe it, we're making this shit up because you also almost bought the cult house. Yeah, right. That would have been – We would have made it happen. People say, yeah, that would have been horrible. It wouldn't have been horrible. No, it would have been amazing.
Because it was a cool place and it was – It would have been amazing. Yeah, it would have been amazing. It would have been amazing.
Because it was a cool place and it was – It would have been amazing. Yeah, it would have been amazing. It would have been amazing.
You were doing that piece that was so funny, and you quit doing it. You didn't do that in your special. No, I didn't. No, that was so funny.
You were doing that piece that was so funny, and you quit doing it. You didn't do that in your special. No, I didn't. No, that was so funny.
Remember I gave you that line that it's okay to hypnotize people and buttfuck them because it falls under the category of I talked them into it. Yeah, it's basically the same thing. That's not illegal at all. I talked the guy into letting me fuck him in the ass. It's kind of technically not illegal. With a watch going back and forth in front of his face. That's not illegal. That's not drugs.
Remember I gave you that line that it's okay to hypnotize people and buttfuck them because it falls under the category of I talked them into it. Yeah, it's basically the same thing. That's not illegal at all. I talked the guy into letting me fuck him in the ass. It's kind of technically not illegal. With a watch going back and forth in front of his face. That's not illegal. That's not drugs.
I don't think I even realized it at that time that that's what that building was. I don't think I knew that it was a cult building. building whenever I first took it.
I don't think I even realized it at that time that that's what that building was. I don't think I knew that it was a cult building. building whenever I first took it.
I had seen that years ago. I mean, years and years ago. So I knew about that anyway, but I didn't realize that that was the building.
I had seen that years ago. I mean, years and years ago. So I knew about that anyway, but I didn't realize that that was the building.
Yeah, yeah. Now people are looking for leadership.
Yeah, yeah. Now people are looking for leadership.
And you know what? They're sucking his dick somewhere else now. In Hawaii. In Hawaii. Yeah.
And you know what? They're sucking his dick somewhere else now. In Hawaii. In Hawaii. Yeah.
That's because for 38 years I've been waiting for the end. And it finally happened that night in the middle of that dream. See, I knew it would happen.
That's because for 38 years I've been waiting for the end. And it finally happened that night in the middle of that dream. See, I knew it would happen.
Yeah, it looked completely fucking doable. So doable. You know, our leader's got really nice fucking cars. Look, how could he be wrong? He can't be wrong.
Yeah, it looked completely fucking doable. So doable. You know, our leader's got really nice fucking cars. Look, how could he be wrong? He can't be wrong.
I just always have because, you know, it never works as good as it works for me. You know? I mean, it's worked okay for you. But, I mean, you know, these kind of careers don't last forever unless they do. And there's not very many of them that do, you know, last fucking four decades.
I just always have because, you know, it never works as good as it works for me. You know? I mean, it's worked okay for you. But, I mean, you know, these kind of careers don't last forever unless they do. And there's not very many of them that do, you know, last fucking four decades.
Well, you know, I think that prayer—I'm sorry with that, just with prayer— is a physical thing, not a spiritual thing. And that's why it works for anybody. You know, I believe it's a way to channel energy and you changes the way you feel, but it doesn't matter what you're praying to that. It's a physical transfer of injury, not, not a spiritual thing. And, and because anybody can do it.
Well, you know, I think that prayer—I'm sorry with that, just with prayer— is a physical thing, not a spiritual thing. And that's why it works for anybody. You know, I believe it's a way to channel energy and you changes the way you feel, but it doesn't matter what you're praying to that. It's a physical transfer of injury, not, not a spiritual thing. And, and because anybody can do it.
And also hypnosis is so powerful when it's done physically, And I know that because I've experienced hypnosis done well. And so, boy, if you have both of those things, you know, you could have power over anybody that's stupid enough to fucking lie.
And also hypnosis is so powerful when it's done physically, And I know that because I've experienced hypnosis done well. And so, boy, if you have both of those things, you know, you could have power over anybody that's stupid enough to fucking lie.
You got a piss? Can we put it on pause for a second? Yeah.
You got a piss? Can we put it on pause for a second? Yeah.
Yeah, that was a moment. That was a moment. I don't know what that was.
Yeah, that was a moment. That was a moment. I don't know what that was.
Yeah, I got a little pale and started sweating. I don't know what it is. I just got a little sick. I feel a little better now. I had a nice yak.
Yeah, I got a little pale and started sweating. I don't know what it is. I just got a little sick. I feel a little better now. I had a nice yak.
I felt fine all day. I felt fine yesterday. I played golf. I had...
I felt fine all day. I felt fine yesterday. I played golf. I had...
I had two last week, and I'll go home and get another one. I'm sure I'll be fine in just a little bit. Damn. I'm sure I'll be cool. Damn.
I had two last week, and I'll go home and get another one. I'm sure I'll be fine in just a little bit. Damn. I'm sure I'll be cool. Damn.
Yeah, played golf with my son. Had a great time.
Yeah, played golf with my son. Had a great time.
You need to go down to Costa Rica.
You need to go down to Costa Rica.
Stay in your neighbor's place. I do need to go. It's the sweetest thing that I've ever seen.
Stay in your neighbor's place. I do need to go. It's the sweetest thing that I've ever seen.
My big pet peeve is when people say it's the best thing you've ever seen. I'm like, this is the best thing you've ever seen, buddy. I've seen some shit, you know. I've seen some shit.
My big pet peeve is when people say it's the best thing you've ever seen. I'm like, this is the best thing you've ever seen, buddy. I've seen some shit, you know. I've seen some shit.
But that place down there, it's another driftwood, or kind of like driftwood. Yeah. It is fucking gorgeous.
But that place down there, it's another driftwood, or kind of like driftwood. Yeah. It is fucking gorgeous.
It's the best, man. It's so pretty right now because they blow in a bunch of wildflowers all over it, and it's just fucking gorgeous. It's a great golf course. I almost wish I played golf. It's a waste of time and money. I know you don't have time.
It's the best, man. It's so pretty right now because they blow in a bunch of wildflowers all over it, and it's just fucking gorgeous. It's a great golf course. I almost wish I played golf. It's a waste of time and money. I know you don't have time.
I feel a little better. You're all right? Yeah, I'm okay. We keep rolling a little? A little bit, yeah.
I feel a little better. You're all right? Yeah, I'm okay. We keep rolling a little? A little bit, yeah.
Fuck yeah, I don't know what to do. But I swear I feel better. I don't feel hot anymore. That's so weird. So weird. Like, what is that? I just need to get something out of my stomach real quick, I think. Crazy. Quickest way to do it.
Fuck yeah, I don't know what to do. But I swear I feel better. I don't feel hot anymore. That's so weird. So weird. Like, what is that? I just need to get something out of my stomach real quick, I think. Crazy. Quickest way to do it.
Yeah, I'm still coming to the club tonight. Okay. I'm going to get a drip and come do a set.
Yeah, I'm still coming to the club tonight. Okay. I'm going to get a drip and come do a set.
Yeah. You know what? And I stay away from all of it.
Yeah. You know what? And I stay away from all of it.
And of that subject matter, any politics or anything like that. And the reason is, You know, I know my I know my crowd. I know what they want and they want to laugh really hard and they want to. And I think that I've always taken a position as I'm just not going to bring that into it. I'm going to let us do something. I love it when other people do that are really good at it.
And of that subject matter, any politics or anything like that. And the reason is, You know, I know my I know my crowd. I know what they want and they want to laugh really hard and they want to. And I think that I've always taken a position as I'm just not going to bring that into it. I'm going to let us do something. I love it when other people do that are really good at it.
And, you know, it's fun to watch and it's entertaining as fuck. but I just decided a long time ago that I'm just going to, I'm just going to go out there and make them laugh as hard as I can make them laugh and let them have some time off from tragedy or whatever. And, and, and I, and I'm not that good at it anyway. So I've never been a political commentator, right? So why be one now?
And, you know, it's fun to watch and it's entertaining as fuck. but I just decided a long time ago that I'm just going to, I'm just going to go out there and make them laugh as hard as I can make them laugh and let them have some time off from tragedy or whatever. And, and, and I, and I'm not that good at it anyway. So I've never been a political commentator, right? So why be one now?
Oh, if you're good enough. Yeah. If you're good enough. Right. You know, I saw it. People try to take on 9-11 right after 9-11, but I only saw one person that was really... If you're good enough to write about that, then write about it. But if you're not good enough to write about it, leave it the fuck alone.
Oh, if you're good enough. Yeah. If you're good enough. Right. You know, I saw it. People try to take on 9-11 right after 9-11, but I only saw one person that was really... If you're good enough to write about that, then write about it. But if you're not good enough to write about it, leave it the fuck alone.
Yeah. Some skill level whatever.
Yeah. Some skill level whatever.
Yeah, I don't understand him. You know, I really don't. I love him to death, but he's such an original character. The most.
Yeah, I don't understand him. You know, I really don't. I love him to death, but he's such an original character. The most.
Especially the 10 p.m. shows.
Especially the 10 p.m. shows.
You understand it's a joke.
You understand it's a joke.
And that he acts like he means it and you buy into it. No, it's a joke still.
And that he acts like he means it and you buy into it. No, it's a joke still.
He is. He's having a good time. And he loves Austin, too. I see him walking around downtown almost every time I drive through the city.
He is. He's having a good time. And he loves Austin, too. I see him walking around downtown almost every time I drive through the city.
That was my favorite place to drink.
That was my favorite place to drink.
Right. Standing on the same stage as Pryor. Kennison.
Right. Standing on the same stage as Pryor. Kennison.
No, I don't think it has. It's never been better.
No, I don't think it has. It's never been better.
Yeah, my first trip out to L.A., you know, I was trying to get on at the improv. I couldn't get on. And I was like, oh, man, I went to the comedy store. And I told them my story. It was Monday night. And they put me up first, which wasn't a really good spot. And I ate it. But they did put me on stage. Well, there it is right there.
Yeah, my first trip out to L.A., you know, I was trying to get on at the improv. I couldn't get on. And I was like, oh, man, I went to the comedy store. And I told them my story. It was Monday night. And they put me up first, which wasn't a really good spot. And I ate it. But they did put me on stage. Well, there it is right there.
There were about 10 people in there or whatever, nobody, and it was a horrible experience. But I always look back at it fondly, you know, because they did it. They said, yeah, go get on stage.
There were about 10 people in there or whatever, nobody, and it was a horrible experience. But I always look back at it fondly, you know, because they did it. They said, yeah, go get on stage.
And it's fun. It's the best. I don't think there's any environment that's more conducive to getting chops. I mean, that really is a gem to me. And everybody there is just getting better. And it's that fucking stage time. There's no fucking substitute for stage time.
And it's fun. It's the best. I don't think there's any environment that's more conducive to getting chops. I mean, that really is a gem to me. And everybody there is just getting better. And it's that fucking stage time. There's no fucking substitute for stage time.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to do this.
Yeah. You've got to have that.
Yeah. You've got to have that.
I don't know, but whatever it was, man, I could touch the floor without bending my knees, without stretching at all.
I don't know, but whatever it was, man, I could touch the floor without bending my knees, without stretching at all.
Because there's just all that stage time. And you don't actually automatically get to go to the mothership, but that can be your goal.
Because there's just all that stage time. And you don't actually automatically get to go to the mothership, but that can be your goal.
It is. And there are people also hanging around like me that have been through all this stuff before, you know, the growth to know how to get better, you know, because I was like you. There was no direction. There was nobody giving advice. There was... You just looked at it and went, okay, I'll try this.
It is. And there are people also hanging around like me that have been through all this stuff before, you know, the growth to know how to get better, you know, because I was like you. There was no direction. There was nobody giving advice. There was... You just looked at it and went, okay, I'll try this.
I don't know. She said steroid. She gave it to me. I don't ask a lot of questions. So you just felt loose? I felt loose and good. I played really good golf, and then I got there, and it started catching up with me. I had my girlfriend. I'm staying in the mansion down at MGM Grand, which is pretty sweet. And I had that show just on Saturday. We got there on Wednesday. And I'm like, fuck it.
I don't know. She said steroid. She gave it to me. I don't ask a lot of questions. So you just felt loose? I felt loose and good. I played really good golf, and then I got there, and it started catching up with me. I had my girlfriend. I'm staying in the mansion down at MGM Grand, which is pretty sweet. And I had that show just on Saturday. We got there on Wednesday. And I'm like, fuck it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Now, did he do stand-up also or is he a comedic actor? He was going to.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Now, did he do stand-up also or is he a comedic actor? He was going to.
Yeah, I already feel unprofessional.
Jesus Christ. What a fucking tragedy, man. What a fucking tragedy.
And I've been in bad relationships before that I cut off. Of course. And then all of a sudden you can breathe again.
The hole gets deeper and deeper and deeper. Excellent.
Yeah. And you're in the court. With the whole thing falling to fucking pieces.
Oh, I'm the worst. I'm so easy to lead me down a road. I'll just sniff my way.
I'm not going to make it. I felt it all start to deteriorate. So I called this doctor.
He had kids with her? Mm-hmm.
I didn't. I didn't. I thought I would need another shot of steroids. That's so I called the doctor. I had the hotel call a doctor. And I thought I was getting the doctor that was, you know, whatever it takes to get through the show.
Fuck, I forgot about that part of it. I mean, I forgot that she killed herself.
And, you know, but that's not the doctor I got. The doctor I got was, we need to, let's test you for COVID. I'm like, no, no, I don't have COVID. He said, I won't charge you if it's negative, which didn't make any sense to me. And I said, well, okay. And then it came up positive for COVID. And he said, see there, the T and the X and the thing. And I said, yeah, I see it. Let's do it again.
You know, I lived in Mexico for a while with a woman who eventually took her own life. And, I mean, I was already out of the picture for a couple of years when that happened. But when I was in Mexico with her, I knew that I was trapped, number one. I moved down there to start a fucking pottery company. Because I was frustrated with stand-up comedy.
The Funny Bone chain had just cut my pay by a third. Because they realized that I just worked for them. And I couldn't patch this schedule together without them. Oh, what a bunch of assholes. And I told the guy that ran the Funny Bone, Gerald Kubach, to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck. I don't even know what that would look like. It cost me a lot of work to say it, but it was still fun to say. Wow.
But I moved with her down to Mexico, and I knew that she was crazy. And the way it came up was she had called a friend of mine and told her that sometimes she stands over my bed with a knife and just stares at me. And my son was there also part of the time. And I'm like, well, that's over. I got to get out of this.
But the big thing was I was depressed because of my situation because I didn't see a way out of it. You know, I didn't see a way out. I just couldn't see. I just couldn't see a path. And it got to where when I was around people, I couldn't talk. And, you know, I had no tribe. you know, at all. I was cut off from all my friends.
And it's just something I did to myself with that move down to Mexico, which I was there for three years. And, uh, and it was just the worst time of my life. And I really didn't think I'd ever come out of it. I mean, I never, never thought I could even get back to a place where I could sit down and have a conversation with somebody. That's how depressed I was. And, um,
I'm feeling good, finally, after my little bout with fucking COVID.
And when I – it was funny because I moved into Mexico. I had the biggest truck that Ryder makes pulling the biggest trailer they make. My van pulling the biggest trailer they make, all headed down south. All your shit. Everything moved to Mexico.
Because I don't think I have COVID. So we did it again. Came up positive again. Not only would he not give me the COVID shot, he told me to quit taking the antibiotics I was already on. And he did nothing except for call the CDC to tell them I had COVID. And they both said, you cannot do the show. I'm like, wait a minute, you're the wrong doctor. I don't want to fucking retire today, shit.
Because my girlfriend at the time did this mosaic tile application to existing pottery. And she would sell it at – art shows or craft shows, you know, whatever. And it would sell really fast, but it took her six months to make any of it. So I thought, why wouldn't you just go down to Mexico and train a bunch of women how to make it and let her orchestrate it? And I fucking did it.
I was part of that sucking sound that Ross Perot was talking about going to Mexico. Three years later, I had the exact same equipment headed north out of Mexico with the same exact truck, trailer, everything. That was a bad idea. Three years. Wow. She must have been hot. Oh, she was so hot. Oh, she was so hot. And I'd never been with a hot woman before.
I'd never been with, I mean, that was my girl, you know? Yeah. And she was just so, she was so beautiful. I'm like, I'm going to, I'll be with her even though I hate her, just so I can look at her. I'll just stare at her and that'll be enough. That's all I'll need. Turns out I needed a little more than that. You can only tolerate so much.
And then I ended up marrying this other girl that was horrible. I mean, I know she's probably listening to this right now, so I don't mean horrible, but horrible. But she always searched the internet for things about me so she could say, hey, this person said thanks for signing my girlfriend's tickets. What, are you out there signing girlfriend's tickets?
Yeah, I was signing anybody's ticket, you know, just always looking. Every time she'd turn on her computer, it'd make me sick to my stomach because I didn't know what she was going to come up with. You know, I'm no angel anyway. But so that girl's sister, when she killed herself, sent me a post that my ex-wife found. She printed it saying that she had killed herself.
She brought it in and handed it to me. And all I did was sit down on the couch and she goes, oh, now you loved her. I'm like, just give me a minute, okay?
She got the note from her. She got the letter from her sister and handed it to me, and she saw it affected me. Oh, Jesus. Oh, now you loved her.
Yeah, just give me a minute.
Oh, man. Let's see. Not very many that I really knew. My best friend, one of my best friends from childhood, killed himself. But we thought he died at the massacre in Waco because he was a big Koresh guy.
Yeah, he missed the massacre, but we thought maybe he's there when it was all going down, but he wasn't. And eventually, it was an odd thing anyway. He was a dear friend from childhood. His dad was the music director at my church, and he and I used to buff the floors of the church with those big bluffs. That was our job on one day a week that we'd go down there and
And we'd actually sing Neil Young songs to the top of our lungs because we... Well, I dreamed I saw the nights in our... We just sing the fuck out of Neil Young sucks. That's the only tape I had, you know. I know you and him had a little problem, but... I don't have no problem with him. I know, you were so sweet about that.
No, he didn't. That's all it is. That was a dumb thing.
I want to, here's your drummer's a junkie, he's out of heroin, get him some fucking something to get him through this goddamn show.
Yeah, I have really, really healthy boundaries when it comes to people that don't make me feel good. I just won't hang around.
I got some other shit going on.
But you know what? I'll tell you what makes you a good friend. When you get successful, and I'll just talk about successful like I am. It's hard to find anybody that will disagree with you, you know, that because there's something to gain. And that's true with you, too. I mean that.
you know you you hold a lot of power and you have something a lot of people fucking want and i know that because i have a i have a box of and i should have brought them and given them to you anyway i'll bring them to the club tonight but it's just a guy i met that owns a sunglass company and he makes sunglasses for hunting and he and so he said wait a minute who wears sunglasses when they hunt
Yeah. He said that one of them were specifically for bow hunting. It makes you see the target better or something.
You know, I don't know. I don't hunt, so I don't really know anything about hunting in glasses. He just said he was going to send a box. Would you give them to Joe? And I said, yeah, I'll give them to him. And I didn't.
I don't know. That's what he told me, though.
Oh, anyway, what I'm saying is this.
What I'm saying is this. That... You're one of the only friends that I have that'll say, no, that's fucked up, Ron. You don't agree with me to make me feel better because I have something you need. You'll go ahead and go, nah.
Why? Well, you know, I was faced with. Do I cancel a show? Well, that's not the same as St. Louis when they just move the date and the people from St. Louis come back out. This is Las Vegas. Right. A lot of those people come specifically to see me because I don't do all those shows that I used to do. So it's kind of, if you want to come see it, that's a good place. And so it's a problem.
They got me with the new COVID, man.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You know, it's a refund. You've got to refund them all because those people aren't going to be there. Most importantly, your fans are bummed out. Yeah. I've disappointed them. Everybody's here. Fuck, let's do the show. So... I was just sitting there. I didn't know what to do.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So I'm like, well, I'm just going to call MGM Grand and tell them what the fuck's going on and let it be their call, you know. And they were like, so how do you feel? I'm like, I feel like I can make it through the show. And they're like, well, I say let's just go ahead and do it. You know, it's a big room. You're not within six feet of anybody.
I had, you know, my girlfriend raised two kids, and she said she's never seen anybody puke as much as I did for two days. Wow. And it was brutal. It was just bile, and I don't even know if I've ever been that sick. I only got that part of it a couple of days.
Big time. I'm an asshole. The biggest asshole ever. It would be so horrible. Nobody got sick. I know. Nobody did.
All you got to do is figure out what's wrong with you.
And it wasn't until the next day that I got sick. That's when the vomiting started. It wasn't in Vegas. It was day two. It was Tuesday after Kill Tony. That's when I got sick. And it was fucking awful. awful i mean for two days just off did you get another steroid shot No, nobody would give me one. So I don't know, man. I just got the wrong guy.
What is it? Well, that was the question I had with myself because I drank like a fool for years.
It was funny because whenever I was single again and I was in the green room and I said, maybe I'll start drinking again. And everybody at one time went, no. No, no, no. No, that's not it. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.
I did. But I went to Rhythmia with intention. I wanted to know why. I was doing this to myself and why I could not see a way to quit. And it was so tied up in my persona, my stage presence, who I really was at the time. And I'm like, why is this all tied to me? And why can't I shake it? And so with that, I also went through hypnosis because I had to get sober before I went to
because that's not what their deal is they're not a treatment facility it could be a byproduct of it but they're like yeah we're not gonna we don't have detox here you know so you have to quit some other way and and once you've been sober for a month you can come down here which is exactly what i did i came up with a way to do that through hypnosis which i thought was pretty effective and and but
I got sober once before in one of those rehabs in Malibu for 90 grand, which was, at the time, I was spiraling. I was living in a five-star hotel in Beverly Hills. I was doing a bunch of blow. I was screwing expensive hookers, which was exactly my life plan. I'm like, okay, here it is. Okay. And it ended up feeling pretty hollow, you know, and I ended up going there.
And I stayed sober for about... maybe six months or something like that, but it was white knuckle the whole fucking time of, you know, no fun.
But when I, when I did it the way I did it, when I checked into that facility, I got the sweat night sweats so bad when I quit that I would, they had two beds in the new people's things and I would soak the sheets in one of them and move to the other bed and And soak the sheets in that one. I was detoxing big time. Never happened this time.
I never had a night sweat, never regretted it, never thought about it again, never tempted. Wow. To drink again. And I own, number one, tequila still. And it's there at the green room every night. And it doesn't even bother me a bit.
Right. And yeah, is it a little awkward at first? Yes, and do I hang out in bars all the time other than our club? No, I don't. I mean, I'll go listen to music if there's something, but just to go to a bar and hang out, I just don't do it.
Whoa. Right. So, and I also have a tendency, a natural tendency to just kind of isolate anyway, you know? And so I really, that's one of the things I love about the club is it gets me out of the house. It gets me to go down there where my friends are and do what I do for a living and what I do for a living and what I do for fun, both.
Yeah. Yeah. Because I think that, I think that people like you and I, I think a lot gets dumped on us, you know, because of all the friends that I know that I've known for a long time, I'm the only one that's been very successful, not out of my comic friends, but out of my regular friends. And it seems like I get... Just I have to take in a lot of stuff, and I never knew how to get rid of it.
So I would just get to the point where I was full and I couldn't take anymore, and that's when I would isolate myself.
Too many people want something from you. Too many people want something. That's why I gravitate towards you is because I know you don't want jack shit from me except for me to be your buddy and let us be brothers in comedy and whatever. And life. And so, you know, so that's really good for me. Even today, you know, that's what gets me out of the house sometimes, you know.
Who were those two actors that were at the club the other day? It was so much fun to have them in there. Which night? Fuck, I don't know. We get a lot of visitors. When Woody was there? No. Which him?
Yeah, Brad Cooper and... Well, it was fun to have him in the green room because, you know, we're all around each other all the time, so it was fun to have new people in there with stories we've never heard.
Yeah, it was cool as shit, you know, just to have him hanging out, you know, good guys, you know. Yeah.
Just to get me around the corner. So I'm back. I feel fine today. That's good. Good to see you back. Really good news. You coming to the club tonight? You know, they asked me to, I don't know who's got the set tonight. I don't know who's got the show. We do.
Right. You know? Well, I don't answer emails anyway.
I think so, too. That's why I'm so close-minded. And I really am. I'm truly close-minded, and I think you're open-minded. I try to be. And I struggle with that because just letting people pour information into my head, I just tend to avoid it. I am engaged. You know, in that I do follow things closely and not the stock market, but everything else. That's been a little bruiser.
Yeah. That's what somebody told me the other day. Is he playing checkers? Is he playing chess?
I voted for him. He had big ears.
Kill Tony was on Netflix last night. Yeah, isn't that amazing?
Jesus Christ, what a fucking smart man. He was right.
Jesus Christ, they'd have smoothed the fuck out, man.
I don't understand the trade war with Canada, because have you ever met a Canadian that had $35 in his pocket? No. They're all broke. They have $22. Really? And they'll buy you a beer. I love Canadians. Yeah, they're broke. They don't have any money up there. How come they don't have any money? Because it's socialism. I think it's a great place. Don't you love Canada? I love it.
It is, but socialized medicine. It's expensive.
Yeah, you have to pay taxes.
And you get paid in Canadian dollars. I'm not going up there much for shows.
It's sweet. I always believed in it, and you know that. I always saw something in Tony. I was never sure what exactly it was, but I saw something. This kid works hard. He's got a dream that he's fucking making it work, and he's making it work with hard work. He works hard.
Well, that's me last month.
Well, I'm kind of, I agree with you. And I've just heard you say this, that, you know, everybody should have access to health care and education.
The whole country. The whole country, everybody. That would rise us all up.
All my son's friends are all saddled with $90,000 worth of fucking student loan debt. Subsidized. And my son was lucky enough that I had enough money to pay for his, you know, and so he doesn't have that burden. But God damn it, nobody should have that burden for an education.
If you have the discipline.
I can't imagine. I mean, I don't see how people do it. I mean, I really don't.
That's one year. And if you drop out after one year, then you have nothing and you're down 80 grand.
And then you have to throw a couple of kids on top of that. Yeah.
Oh, wow. That's a good school.
Oh, I didn't waste any time. I got kicked out of high school in the 10th grade, so... You know, my mind is an open book there. A lot of the pages aren't filled in. And you know what? And I always kind of, I regret, I regret that a little bit, you know, that I didn't go to college, that I didn't.
Well, just, you know, well, number one, I think I'd be smarter now. I don't know what it is, and I've made it just fine with what I've had. I've got attention deficit disorder and all these things. It really kept me from doing traditional schoolwork very well. I'm not even sure that's real. Attention deficit disorder?
You don't? No. Let me change your mind.
I don't know about that. I think stand-up comedy... was the answer to every problem I had. Because that's what I was good at.
I think they probably tag ADD to people that don't have it. But I know that I still have it. So if let's say that I was going to put together A ceiling fan and hang it in my roof, which I'm not. I could no more do that than the man in the moon without an Adderall. If I take an Adderall, I'll read the directions. I'll put the whole thing together and hang it on. No problem.
Starting with six people in the crowd.
Without it, I stare at it. I've tried.
Right. You don't hear a word that's coming out of their mouth.
I just want to get out. I'm the same way.
Well, let's let's let's get to ceiling fans out here.
You know, I know that when I was a kid, I used to have this history teacher who was also a PE coach. Now, he had something as intriguing as history to teach me. But I could not listen to him talk. So he couldn't even make American history interesting. But a good teacher could have done it.
A good teacher could have roped me in to what was going on and the story of it and how it affects my life and the lives of my parents and my grandparents, how it all went down. That's an interesting story.
But if you're a dull fucking assistant coach basketball and now you've got one period of history and you have a monotone voice and I'm just out of it, I imagine what it would have been like to have access to wonderful educators.
Well, the one thing is I didn't waste that time. Right. There you go. There you go. I did.
But I think I'd have a better understanding. Of how the world works, if I'd understood world history. Right. You know, I mean, those kinds of things. I just wish I was, you know, I wish I had an education. But what would I do with it? I have no idea. I'd still do stand-up, so. Yeah, well, hopefully. And I wouldn't be any fucking funnier.
I was, before I started doing stand-up, I was a window salesman. And I was broke and I had nothing and I was unimpressive. And my in-laws bought us a garage door opener. So I had a garage door opener. Now you're going to think this is really fucking weird. I used to wear that garage door opener on my belt so people would think I had a beeper.
Yeah. Hey, what's up? And you'd stop at a phone booth now that what a phone booth is.
Yeah, he calls me every once in a while just to say hello. Just to say hi. Yeah, just to say hi. He's checking on you.
So is he going to come down to do sets?
Right, he is. He is. There's nothing like him. Nothing like him.
It was fun to watch him just stomp the fuck out of the fucking room at the store, man. He just beat the shit out of those crowds.
Oh, I saw him wind them up, man. Just wind them up.
Those are some of the first sets I saw you do at the store when you were doing that bit where you were standing on top of the stool. Oh, the Kim Kardashian bit? Yeah. Fucking. And I just remember just how just Dick slapped those fucking crowds. I'm like, God damn it. He's good at this. Fuck.
You know, as far as just a fucking entertaining thing to goddamn do, I mean, just to come down, you know, my last girlfriend was so addicted to the show. She would come almost every Monday. And it's hard for me to go down there on Kill Tony night because they got the You know, the green rooms hocked out to 19,000 people and there's no place for me to go. Right.
When I think about a life without stand-up, it makes me nervous to even think about it.
Yeah. I didn't like it anymore. It was halfway through every set. I was couldn't wait for it to be over. Wow. And now I go on stage and I have this whole new gratitude for these crowds, you know, that are still there waiting bigger than ever. My shows sell out faster than they ever have. Isn't that amazing? And part of it is because there's less of them, I guess.
But also it's because of my friends. You know, the word gets out. You know, you guys didn't let me die.
No, there's a difference. I don't even like to do... I don't even like to do sets other places. I don't either. That's really what's wrong with the mothership. I don't know. It'll spoil your fucking ass with great crowds and perfect acoustics and an amazing sound system. And then when you move over to another room, which I rarely do, do another set in town.
I did one a couple months ago, and I was like, this sucks. If you guys want to find me, I'll be down at the mothership. Thank you.
And so, you know, but she was addicted to it. I mean, just as something fun to do, you know.
Because you're going to get some great comics. And it doesn't matter if the comic eats it on stage because it's still funny. You know, that's not the point. The point is that everybody has access, you know, in some way. And and and there's no shortcut to get there because I tried to shortcut it because I thought I could because I was Ron White.
And I my banker said, yeah, I've been doing stand up and I'd love to get no problem. I'll tell him I'll fix this for you. And he was like, yeah, no, you can't. It's a bucket pool. That's the only way he can do it is to get his name in there.
I don't remember that being a symptom.
And it's inclusive to anybody. I mean, it's amazing to me. He had the vision to put anybody, anybody, no matter what kind of physical shape, you can't even say a word, and handicapped on top of that. All you have to do is just give it a go. Give it a go.
Things disguise themselves, and we call them coincidences. But there really are no coincidences. And if you'll look for things that look like coincidences, you can follow that line and go somewhere with it. Yeah. And I feel like that that's what happened whenever, you know, with the mass exodus and people started coming to comedy. To make this the best comedy scene in the world. Yeah.
You know, those things fell into place because that's what was supposed to happen. And I think it all happened because of me. In that, I needed it the worst. I needed this more than anybody else did. And I feel like I was able to cash in all my fucking karma or whatever and draw it all into me a little bit. Because I needed it.
That's a big time stamp right there.
And there's a lot of people doing their best. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled for the success of it. It's incredible. Yeah, it really is.
But it was, too, at one time, wasn't it?
You know, I lost Vic Henley to that disease in New York City early on.
Didn't Vic... I'll admit that. I mean, he was a raging alcoholic, and he knew it. And I knew he was really considering making some changes in his life, you know, that he was talking to me about. And then, boom, you know, gone. So...
Yeah, and it made me really proud, too, just to walk out on stage, and it's you and Shane and Segura and Tony, and these are my friends.
you know these are my buddies this is my tribe right here and uh and we're doing something really special and it's a hoot you know it is a hoot it's a hoot yeah and it's uh that club's the best place for it i had a nightmare the other night oh no yeah and it was uh about the club Oh, no. And that I was the headliner that night. And I got down there and there were like nine 11-year-old girls.
I didn't get off the couch the whole time I had COVID.
It's hard to even look back on it and realize that it happened. You know, that it really fucking happened. That we were locked up, locked down.
Well, I went to Vegas. And early, and I just thought I had a cold when I went, and my doctor here gave me a shot of steroids, and I felt way fucking better. I mean, I felt better everywhere. I was more flexible. I was like, fuck, I want to do steroids every goddamn day. What kind of steroid was it?
And that's all the tickets we could sell. And I was like, did you tell them I was coming? Yeah, we put it in the thing.
Or eat a steaming bowl of fuck.
Yeah. So you guys come on down to Austin, Texas and check out the mothership and see how much fun we're having. If you don't believe it, we're making this shit up because you also almost bought the cult house. Yeah, right. That would have been – We would have made it happen. People say, yeah, that would have been horrible. It wouldn't have been horrible. No, it would have been amazing.
Because it was a cool place and it was – It would have been amazing. Yeah, it would have been amazing. It would have been amazing.
You were doing that piece that was so funny, and you quit doing it. You didn't do that in your special. No, I didn't. No, that was so funny.
Remember I gave you that line that it's okay to hypnotize people and buttfuck them because it falls under the category of I talked them into it. Yeah, it's basically the same thing. That's not illegal at all. I talked the guy into letting me fuck him in the ass. It's kind of technically not illegal. With a watch going back and forth in front of his face. That's not illegal. That's not drugs.
I don't think I even realized it at that time that that's what that building was. I don't think I knew that it was a cult building. building whenever I first took it.
I had seen that years ago. I mean, years and years ago. So I knew about that anyway, but I didn't realize that that was the building.
Yeah, yeah. Now people are looking for leadership.
And you know what? They're sucking his dick somewhere else now. In Hawaii. In Hawaii. Yeah.
That's because for 38 years I've been waiting for the end. And it finally happened that night in the middle of that dream. See, I knew it would happen.
Yeah, it looked completely fucking doable. So doable. You know, our leader's got really nice fucking cars. Look, how could he be wrong? He can't be wrong.
I just always have because, you know, it never works as good as it works for me. You know? I mean, it's worked okay for you. But, I mean, you know, these kind of careers don't last forever unless they do. And there's not very many of them that do, you know, last fucking four decades.
Well, you know, I think that prayer—I'm sorry with that, just with prayer— is a physical thing, not a spiritual thing. And that's why it works for anybody. You know, I believe it's a way to channel energy and you changes the way you feel, but it doesn't matter what you're praying to that. It's a physical transfer of injury, not, not a spiritual thing. And, and because anybody can do it.
And also hypnosis is so powerful when it's done physically, And I know that because I've experienced hypnosis done well. And so, boy, if you have both of those things, you know, you could have power over anybody that's stupid enough to fucking lie.
You got a piss? Can we put it on pause for a second? Yeah.
Yeah, that was a moment. That was a moment. I don't know what that was.
Yeah, I got a little pale and started sweating. I don't know what it is. I just got a little sick. I feel a little better now. I had a nice yak.
I felt fine all day. I felt fine yesterday. I played golf. I had...
I had two last week, and I'll go home and get another one. I'm sure I'll be fine in just a little bit. Damn. I'm sure I'll be cool. Damn.
Yeah, played golf with my son. Had a great time.
You need to go down to Costa Rica.
Stay in your neighbor's place. I do need to go. It's the sweetest thing that I've ever seen.
My big pet peeve is when people say it's the best thing you've ever seen. I'm like, this is the best thing you've ever seen, buddy. I've seen some shit, you know. I've seen some shit.
But that place down there, it's another driftwood, or kind of like driftwood. Yeah. It is fucking gorgeous.
It's the best, man. It's so pretty right now because they blow in a bunch of wildflowers all over it, and it's just fucking gorgeous. It's a great golf course. I almost wish I played golf. It's a waste of time and money. I know you don't have time.
I feel a little better. You're all right? Yeah, I'm okay. We keep rolling a little? A little bit, yeah.
Fuck yeah, I don't know what to do. But I swear I feel better. I don't feel hot anymore. That's so weird. So weird. Like, what is that? I just need to get something out of my stomach real quick, I think. Crazy. Quickest way to do it.
Yeah, I'm still coming to the club tonight. Okay. I'm going to get a drip and come do a set.
Yeah. You know what? And I stay away from all of it.
And of that subject matter, any politics or anything like that. And the reason is, You know, I know my I know my crowd. I know what they want and they want to laugh really hard and they want to. And I think that I've always taken a position as I'm just not going to bring that into it. I'm going to let us do something. I love it when other people do that are really good at it.
And, you know, it's fun to watch and it's entertaining as fuck. but I just decided a long time ago that I'm just going to, I'm just going to go out there and make them laugh as hard as I can make them laugh and let them have some time off from tragedy or whatever. And, and, and I, and I'm not that good at it anyway. So I've never been a political commentator, right? So why be one now?
Oh, if you're good enough. Yeah. If you're good enough. Right. You know, I saw it. People try to take on 9-11 right after 9-11, but I only saw one person that was really... If you're good enough to write about that, then write about it. But if you're not good enough to write about it, leave it the fuck alone.
Yeah. Some skill level whatever.
Yeah, I don't understand him. You know, I really don't. I love him to death, but he's such an original character. The most.
Especially the 10 p.m. shows.
You understand it's a joke.
And that he acts like he means it and you buy into it. No, it's a joke still.
He is. He's having a good time. And he loves Austin, too. I see him walking around downtown almost every time I drive through the city.
That was my favorite place to drink.
Right. Standing on the same stage as Pryor. Kennison.
No, I don't think it has. It's never been better.
Yeah, my first trip out to L.A., you know, I was trying to get on at the improv. I couldn't get on. And I was like, oh, man, I went to the comedy store. And I told them my story. It was Monday night. And they put me up first, which wasn't a really good spot. And I ate it. But they did put me on stage. Well, there it is right there.
There were about 10 people in there or whatever, nobody, and it was a horrible experience. But I always look back at it fondly, you know, because they did it. They said, yeah, go get on stage.
And it's fun. It's the best. I don't think there's any environment that's more conducive to getting chops. I mean, that really is a gem to me. And everybody there is just getting better. And it's that fucking stage time. There's no fucking substitute for stage time.
I don't know how to do this.
Yeah. You've got to have that.
I don't know, but whatever it was, man, I could touch the floor without bending my knees, without stretching at all.
Because there's just all that stage time. And you don't actually automatically get to go to the mothership, but that can be your goal.
It is. And there are people also hanging around like me that have been through all this stuff before, you know, the growth to know how to get better, you know, because I was like you. There was no direction. There was nobody giving advice. There was... You just looked at it and went, okay, I'll try this.
I don't know. She said steroid. She gave it to me. I don't ask a lot of questions. So you just felt loose? I felt loose and good. I played really good golf, and then I got there, and it started catching up with me. I had my girlfriend. I'm staying in the mansion down at MGM Grand, which is pretty sweet. And I had that show just on Saturday. We got there on Wednesday. And I'm like, fuck it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Now, did he do stand-up also or is he a comedic actor? He was going to.