Rob Corddry
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
John, before we talk about the trial, I'd like to apologize to you. I know we agreed ahead of time that if the verdict was guilty, I would wave a red flag. And if it was innocent, wave a blue flag. But in the excitement of the moment, I came out waving the severed head of a cat. Which obviously can be interpreted any number of ways. I'm sorry to have put you in that position.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
It won't happen again. Yeah, it won't happen again.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Also, I should apologize to that woman I knocked over in my haste to report on this story. Though, in my defense, who parks their wheelchair at the top of the courthouse steps? You'd think an 80 year old would know better. Anyway, my condolences to her family. And to the families of those she struck on the way down. That's a lot of steps, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
No, it wasn't, John. And it highlights a disturbing trend that's all too obvious in the media these days. The viewers are completely out of control. Did you say, I'm sorry, did you say the viewers? Yes, John. I'm just as shocked as you at how aggressive the viewers have become. They're constantly beating us down with unrealistic demands for immediacy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
I didn't take four years of journalism courses at five different community colleges just to jump around on some courthouse steps waving flags and cat heads like a maniac, okay? This trial, like all too many these days, turned into just another viewer's circus.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Stop kidding yourself, John. They're out there right now watching us. waiting for the next tidbit. What was her emotional state? Are they real? And if I don't deliver it, they'll just click around until you find somebody else, won't you, viewers? Oh, I can feel your eyes on me like dirty little hands pawing at my pockets, strip searching me for any little detail, no matter how irrelevant.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Well, you can have your insatiable desire for sleaze, you can have your salacious rumors about Martha Stewart's private life, and you can have it tomorrow night at 7 on my special Stephen Colbert Reports, Martha Stewart, Under the Linen. Remember, that's at 7. And again at 8.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
No, John. I'm actually just signaling the paramedics. Evidently, I'm standing on a baby. John?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
No, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa. I mean, what are we doing here? How am I supposed to cover this thing?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
The Martha Center 2600, John. This will be our home base of operations during the entire house arrest. I'll be reviewing the footage taken by our fiber optic cameras, analyzing the thermal scans to pinpoint Martha's locations at all times, and sifting through the data collected by the Martha Stewart colonoscope. John, that's assuming, of course, that we can get it installed.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
The Michael Jackson trial. A trial of the century like this only comes around one or two times a year. It was my shot at the big time. 5.30 a.m. I wasted no time going in depth with diehard Jackson supporters whose otherwise productive lives have been put on hold by the trial of a man whose music they like.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Now, John, in that footage you just saw, Martha passed by this windowed area here, obviously going from one side to the other. Perhaps there was something on the other end of the room she needed, a whisk, or some polished gravel in a frosted vase, or perhaps a set of bleached beeswax jelly jar candles. I don't know, it's too early to tell, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
John, did you know for the price of a flight to Lebanon, you can get a whole Martha Center 2600? Yeah, or two Martha Center 1300s? John, so easy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Get me position alpha on screen. Position alpha on screen. Stat, stat, green team, green team. I need parabolics around the perimeter, go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Okay, where are we, people? If I can't have visual, give me some audio. Pronto, go! Go, go, go! Go! What? We have a wide shot on screen. Okay, stand down, people. Condition normalized. Nice work, everybody. Good work. Good work. So, John, you can see the drills have paid off. We're going to be right on top of this thing for the next five months.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
I'd blown Jackson's entrance. Damn my spastic colon. I strapped on a diaper and followed Jackson inside.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Well, I'm not here for that trial. I'm here for the triple rape homicide.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Okay, actually, I am on the witness list. My name is Macaulay Culkin, if you can check that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Locked out with eight hours to go and nothing to do. Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to get inside MJ's head, okay? It's called research. I was at a loss. Then, it occurred to me. WWGD. What would Geraldo do? If Tom Steddon has something that I don't know, and Michael Jackson is convicted, I'll shave off my mustache. Okay. So what are you going to shave?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
I'm going to shave my nut stash. Three hours until the money shot. Ample time to craft the kind of insightful legal journalism that's been a hallmark of this trial.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Oh, he's bad, all right. Promises to be a thriller. If Jackson can't beat it, a conviction could mean the end of his... Purple Rain. Black Purple Rain's Prince. It remains to be seen whether the prosecution can prove that Michael Jackson fondled this PYT.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
What the jury heard is that when it comes to prepubescent cancer victims, as far as Michael Jackson is concerned, it doesn't matter if you're black or white. Is that good? 4.59, one minute to departure. Time to videotape Michael Jackson from a distance and yell questions at him. Michael, if you're guilty, keep walking!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Do you guys love the high-profile trials as much as we do? The media circus.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Were you there for the molestation?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
So how long have you been here for the trial? So what's your favorite Michael Jackson song?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Unbreakable and You're Not Alone. So do you think you jacked that kid off? Daybreak, the media tent buzzing, lights up, reporters miked, cameras rolling, news about to break, and nothing. As the new guy, I wasn't sure what came next. Luckily, the experienced trial media was happy to give me some pointers. Hi, I'm with The Daily Show. Will you guys talk to us on camera? No.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Do you mind answering a couple questions on camera? Sure. Hello? Somebody throw me a bone? I'm with The Daily Show. Shut down. I guess they didn't want The Daily Show turning this thing into a circus. No one would speak to me. Except... My name's Peter Bowes.