Rachel Koster
Appearances
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Mr. Goolsbee, I'm sorry, I'm sure you're tired of people asking this, but just in light of the tariffs and everything that's happened this week, should I buy or sell my Beanie Babies?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Please say bye. It's all about the price. What can you get for them? Exactly. Well, it's also an emotional commitment.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Rats? No, bigger. Oh, God. Bigger than a rat? Smaller than a dandruff?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
And now a bunch of fat, hairy, gay guys are like, hey, Italy it is! There you go!
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
There's that rhyme about the bears. Like, if it's black, fight back. If it's brown, lie down. So then, like, if it's Italian... You're stallion.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
They come over and they're like, here's an eye patch.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I visited a tiger sanctuary in Indiana once, and when you throw them a pumpkin, they eat them in like one bite. It was pretty satisfying. So that was like emotional support. It's like cracking your knuckles. It's something satisfying to watch. Times seven. I'm on his side. I'm sorry.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I'm old enough to remember when gay people had taste.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I will happily come to your coffee shop and bully your gay barista co-worker. Thank you.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I was waiting in TSA for 25 minutes today on the way here. Yeah. And so I started making small talk with some gentlemen with me. And the guy in front of me was like, oh, yeah, I work in finance. And I was like, oh, quite a week. And he went, well, when people buy or people sell, I still get a commission. And I was like, oh, my God, there's someone I can hate more than the TSA right now.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I think you've never met my aunt. She would go absolutely broke buying your pink cat food.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Well, hopefully we can learn our lesson and eat these new dire wolves.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I don't mean to take air out of this, but like, is this, I mean, when I was waiting tables once, I went on a date with a customer I didn't like because I knew he had a hot tub. I mean, what's the difference here, you know? It all comes out in the wash in the end, right? Exactly. Exactly.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I don't know if that wasn't the result. It's Talenti? Absolutely. No, not Sherbert. You can get the same boost of being married as having a pet?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I mean, I've let my cat do my taxes for the last 10 years.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Boomers traded baseball cards. Millennials traded Pokemon cards. Gen Z traded their childhoods for a lifetime spent on algorithmically driven social media platforms. But Gen Alpha has a new hobby, trading OG-san cards. What are OG-san cards? Why, they're trading cards featuring middle-aged men.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Eddie Miyahara, the Secretary General of the Sidosho Community Council, was looking for a way to bridge the town's generation gap. The obvious solution? Create trading cards featuring local men. Incredibly, it worked. The Sidosho Community Council just can't meet the demand of local youth eager to trade Mr. Honda, a 74-year-old fire chief, for Mr. Takashita, an 80-year-old soba noodle maker.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
The most coveted card is Mr. Fuji, a 68-year-old former prison guard who has become so popular that local children are asking him for his autograph. As of now, there are no plans to expand the trading card game to include the town's middle-aged women, presumably because no female in Sidosho, or the world, would want to be involved in something this stupid.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
Merriment came to a halt on Christmas morning when the champion of a local Welsh food competition was caught cheating. The cheers were deafening when preschool teacher Bethan Hughes broke the 10-minute world record by eating 72 pickled cockles, which are small mullets that, I'm sorry to say, look like baby birds' heads.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
The audience showered Bethan with roses while she took the stage to receive her gift card to Tesco's worth 20 pounds. LAUGHTER The celebration was interrupted, however, when the beloved stray tomcat of the town, Mr. Jellybeans, leapt to the stage and began pawing at Bethan's sleeve. It was clear something was really wrong, said a police officer.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
Mr. Jellybeans does not like drama, so this had to be big. Sure enough, with one tug, a funnel tumbled out from Bethan's sleeve with the shellfish with it. The audience gasped and Bethan shrieked, come on guys, no one really likes cockles, which was drowned out by booing. Some people are just plain bad, wept the mayor. Mr. Jelly Beans has been gifted a key to the city.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
Me too. I used to be a barista, and we found out that somebody wasn't cleaning the espresso machine at the end of the day.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
And it turned out that it was me, and I just had no idea that that was part of my job. Because the person who taught me was getting paid $14 an hour, so it wasn't really in her best interest to go above and beyond. And I never really asked, so people were getting really scudsy espressos for like months. My bad.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
Midair. How much you talk. No. How much you cry. If you need a blanket.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
For me, they know to put me between two tennis stars. Two boy tennis stars. I watched Challengers maybe 14 times on the way here. It's a two-hour flight. I went really fast.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
I went on vacation one time to Iceland, and I think if we're going to go for something awesome, that's the place to go. They had a lot of little chubby horses and a place that only had white Russians. If we're going to go for something far away but close enough, that's the one to do.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
And to ask about it so they can look out for their fellow man. Or how to make a Chinese order, pretending that you're like British or something so it's not so scary.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
You were put on the phone to make a Chinese order when you were a child. When I would order Chinese food as a child, I would pretend that I was British because it made it less scary because when I'm me, it's vulnerable. When I'm British, I'm glamorous. And no one's going to say no to me about mooshu pork.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
Hello. I'm 30 years old. And I would love to get Mapo Tofu. Definitely always start an order with your age. Darling, extra cookies for my daughter.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Josh Gad
In order to watch the YouTube video of the subway taker next to you's phone, you'll have to give them a fiver.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I'm going to go put myself down like a dog now. That is a medical term, going rancid from something.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
You know how many children you're hurting right now?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
That's such a good, that's a very honest and accurate description. Yeah, she's very lovely and warm, but she'll get into it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Thank you. Thank you for having me, Tommy. Hi, Rachel.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Multiple little boys. Incredible. Yeah. He was really into rose quartz. And they laughed right away.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I will say that Tom's been extremely inappropriate. Sage, yeah. I didn't feel safe. He was just, yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I know. This is like everything my husband screams about when he's drunk. Like every libertarian guy. I'm like, now I have to f***ing understand it. Every time he's drunk, he's like, you don't respect George Washington. I'm like, not really, but he's not the reason you can't drive right now. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
It's basically when you're not sober and you're lying about being sober.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
And it's not just Tamps, Tommy. No. We're giving each other sponge baths in there.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Now I'm going to have to learn more outlander words. I'm just so annoyed about that. I feel like tariff just sounds like something you have to give a troll to cross a bridge or something.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
You know, sometimes when I do trivia, my mind just closes like a box. Can you just give me the answer? You're right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Yeah, sure does. Depends how hot the reporter is talking about it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Well, she was tiny, so I guess like, I don't know, dancing on bars or like jigs or something.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I feel like if the newscaster looks like she would give you bottle service in Tampa, then you can't always trust the news.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
His last name is Looney? No. I know, Martin Looney just seems like a pretend name. Like a wacky 80s movie of a guy that owns a toy store.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
On one hand, I was thinking like this maybe shouldn't be what the congressmen are working on right now. Like I was like, is this what they should be? It's the only thing they can do.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
It's like, oh, how can we get the people happy about one thing? I appreciate that padding because it's just like 30 minutes. I don't have to feel ashamed for being on my phone, you know, like out of the day. And also, I feel like the person that wants to, like, they want that extra 30 minutes, like, I don't know, I feel like they're just, like, maybe in a happier marriage or something.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I love 30 minutes in the dark is all I want at the end of the day, yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
With a woman? Oh, I'm supposed to actually know the answer to this? Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
She ate the ring. Very good. Oh, dear. My stars. Good job.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Such a deep pig that she just had to stuff herself first. Here's the thing.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
I do feel like we need to know what dish she put it in.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Vanessa bayer
Oh, yeah, this is true. This is a prodigious orchestra in Warsaw, Poland, the renowned musician Gustaw Slawin. You guys know his work. He was playing his organ for the St. Paddy's Day Waltz when he all of a sudden noticed that his hands had turned a rather sickly puke-colored green. That's right, his poor mitts had turned green. Basically, what he had was called organ's paw.