Nikki Glaser
Appearances
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then you get to the party and the people you shit on are there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You forget these people have feelings. And at Rose, I feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Ultimately, that's going to track throughout this episode.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Thank God I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast. I put it out of my head. I did the Tom Brady one because it was like, Tom Brady, I got to do it. But the next roast that they threw at me, I was going to say no to because I was like, I'm too old now. When I was 35 getting called old, it didn't hurt.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it. I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face that I have to then go talk to someone about. Yeah. In an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it, which I've done and I continue to do. I just don't want people to pay too close of attention. But then the Tom Brady roast, you go, oh, good.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I'm not the most famous person here. So there won't be that many jokes about me. And that's how it ended up. But the next one, I feel like I'm a little bit more famous. Figure target. Yeah, bigger target next time. So it's going to have to be someone really, really good for me to do it again. It hurts a lot.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
In the hours and days before a podcast like this, I'm like, oh, people are just having to study me right now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I don't read any comments about myself. I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I don't think the general public has too many trolls in their comments. But if you're a celebrity...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's just a simple block. But I can post things now and not go back. How many likes does it have? Because I just go, it's none of your business anymore. And you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it. It will destroy me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes, that's so it. When I write Rose, I'm like, what would I want not said about me? And how do I say that about someone else? Like, how do I find the thing about this person that they look in the mirror and hate about themselves? It's a horrible way to think, but I'm able to go there because I go there for myself.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
No, it makes me feel bad because I have imposter syndrome that I'm not good. And I'm like, he's going to know that I'm not good now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I don't burn people unless I'm hired to do it. Even the Golden Globes wasn't a burn fest because those people weren't signing up for a roast. So it was very gentle. I think the worst thing I said was to Benny Blanco, but I got his permission to. I wrote to Eric Andre, who I heard knows him. And he put us on a text chat together. I sent him a voice memo of the joke. And he said, I'm cool with it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Let me run it by Selena. And so I got permission. But I would never have done that joke. I said, you know, Selena Gomez is here with Benny Blanco, her new fiance. And Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish. That was the mean one.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I did not know that. I would have done that on a roast if he was on the dais. He's just sitting there. He can't heckle me back. He knows the rules. Kimmel actually gave me advice saying like, hey, reach out to people. If you have a joke that you're a little bit worried about, because I just wouldn't have done it otherwise. There's no way I would have risked making him feel uncomfortable.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
If he pays too much attention, he's going to figure out that I'm a fraud.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And even when I told him the joke, you kind of feel like, oh... But I presented it like, by the way, I think you're awesome. I think you're hot. I'm talking about a thing that I think you are aware of that I think you've even partaken in. I've heard him in podcasts talk about him with Selena. I think Santino went hard on him once. And so I think he was already aware.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
So I was a little bit nervous to even tell him it. But if I would have not liked him and really felt that way, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I think she scored with him. To be honest with you, I felt like it was a mutual thing. So it came from a good place. But people show up in my shows wanting to be roasted. I don't really like roasting people on the fly.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes. If you just look at the things that are posted, you're like, oh, she's talented. But if you get into it, you might like...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It doesn't just come out of me. I don't just come at people without a reason to do it. But I think that's not just because I don't want to hurt them. That's obviously part of it. But I just don't want them to retaliate. I was quiet in high school.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. And I got busted. Like a girl saw me and was like, why don't you stop picking your nose? You know where you could tell it was bothering her and then she's like, she screams it. And so there were a lot of moments like that in school where I would be quietly doing something disgusting and then it would just annoy someone enough. Like I was taking pencils from this kid.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I never had my school supplies, not because my parents didn't provide it, but because I was just ADD. So I was always borrowing pencils and paper from my friend Ray and He would always give it to me every single day. He never didn't. And it was almost like I was annoying him. So one day I just took it. And I remember he saw me because I was like, you're going to give it to me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And he was like, why don't you get your own pencil, you bucktooth beaver? Go in the woods and gnaw down a tree. Oh, my God. And I had...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
really messed up my teeth were going out hard and the whole class heard even my teacher laughed oh no your teacher she validated i was like but i still need lead i found some kind of inaccuracy in the joke i was like it's a false premise because pencils are more than just wood anyway And then I just learned just be invisible because people will call out why you're ugly. And so I was quiet.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
This was fifth grade and seventh grade. And then by the time I got to high school, I was invisible because I just didn't want the boys making a joke about me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It was teeth that continues. I still see weird things with them. You have perfect teeth. Are they veneers, man? No, but I do a thing. Please, everyone listening, don't get veneers. My friends who have done it regret it. If there is an apocalypse or something, your teeth will fall out and you will have nubs and you have no one to fix them.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
The nubs are disturbing. They fall out. A lot of people doing it and getting approved to do it way too soon. They're not trained. Do you know
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Dude, Monica, if you want to fix anything with your teeth, the thing to do is you get what's it called? Composite. Bonding. Because I had like a chip on this tooth and I was like, can you just fix that? They filled it in with a tooth colored thing and I was like, well, this tooth is kind of too far back. Can you just put tooth on top of it? And he's like, yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was like, did I just make something up? Because I was going to have that tooth removed and a new one in, but I just put tooth on top of it to make it even with the front
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Build it up. Just put composite on. It falls off every month or so, but you get it put back. It's like an $80 copay. It's way cheaper than veneers.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
So teeth, an issue for sure. Having a tall forehead. One time a guy that liked me and I didn't like him back was just like, I just noticed your forehead goes on for a really long time. And so that stuck with me. And then I started seeing it. Didn't notice it before. Also hair falling out. I was anorexic when I was 18. So a lot of it fell out then.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I kind of set things up so that I can't be because I'm so worried about the roast or I'm so worried about the globes that it's almost like, oh, I have to do Stern, too. So it kind of takes away from that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then since then, if a hair just gets caught on something and pulls out like in a clip, I feel it all day long. It's an OCD thing where I like feel the little spot and I look at the hair and I'm like, you weren't ready. I go like, this hair has been with me through so much. Like this was when I did the roast, like all my career moments. And I just go like, I can't believe it's just gone now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And it's going to take so long to grow that all back. Everyone who does my hair knows if I go, they're like, they just stop. I've gotten better about it because it's an irrational fear. And I often have my friends send me like, how much hair do you pull out in the shower? Will you just send me a picture? I need verification because it only pops up, by the way, when I'm stressed out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was literally, I should have said it. Damn it. I was literally going to take a picture of you later to show it. Because it's good.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
If you were my friend, I would never ask to see your hair wall because I can't compare it because you're allowed to lose bunches and bunches of hair. I lose so much hair. Not to take anything from you. You can feel bad about losing hair too, but you don't deserve to. No.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I won't be sending you my hair wall. That's a bitch to blow dry, right?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I love when things happen last minute or they kind of just are thrust upon you. I don't like to have a lot of time to think about things because when I do, I freak out. So everything in my life is five minutes before every appointment. My assistant will be like, do you want 30 minutes between that? I go, for what? To think about what I've just done? So no, everything's stacked.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I hadn't noticed yet, but I was like, I think I can think of three things.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Chris is so funny. She is. Great tits over there, but you're not proud of those? I'm proud of them when I'm naked, but I don't love it in clothes. Got it. I'll agree with you. When I have a bra that makes me look more stacked, I feel a little bit chunkier. Exactly. It like distorts your body. It does. Okay, I hear that. And then just, you know, body. This week it's my leg skin.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I like saw some pictures from my tour that were backstage. There's a crepeyness starting.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Like an old circus tent that's been weathered. It's okay. It has to happen. People can't lie to me and say it's not. My girl's chat is like, it's not, I don't see it. And I go, look, and I give evidence.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes. That kind of crepiness skin on the thigh and then the skin above the knees is starting to fold over and there's like a deep line here that bothered me. Do they do knee tucks? I heard they do. I'm looking at my schedule. I go, when am I getting a brow lift? When am I getting my knees done? My knees done.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
To do whatever Dr. Diamond told me would make me look like I hadn't done anything.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It really was. I would have canceled anything for it, but it was nice that I didn't have to because I never take a break. My vacation would have been just healing with like straws in my face.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And now they're all starting chin surgery too now. Implants? Yeah, chin implants.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I don't know if they do it in Turkey, but that's the new male plastic surgery thing. Everyone's going to be doing it. Like if you've seen some leading men starting to look a little bit more leading, that's probably what's happening because it's a subtle adjustment that makes face look more masculine. And that's kind of what it's trending towards.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
There are nine year olds who are like mewing now to get that jawline. It's sad when men start to have the same insecurities that we've all dealt with as women for so long. But they've always been there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And you guys don't get makeup. Yeah. You just have to be what you are. So it makes sense why we're like, why do they just get to be who they are? Because they don't really have a lot of options. So they might as well accept themselves. That's a great take. I just came up with it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You can't. There would be options. If you have a zit, you can't cover it. You just have to have a gaping wound and we get to stuff it with dirt clay and wonder why it keeps reinfecting and coming back.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That sucks for men with acne that they don't have makeup.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Even though we look like it's like a little anthill. Yeah, you can still see it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I used to pick at my skin because when I was malnourished and had anxiety, it was just open sores around my face. I used to be bulimic too. That's why I quit throwing up. Like, thank God it was a vanity thing because... I was sick of cleaning toilets and I was also sick of having mouth acne that I would pick at. I would be nervous backstage before going on, pick at it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I could feel it bleeding because I'd do the check and I'm like, oh my God, there's blood. I'm walking with blood. Then I put something on it to like cake it up and I'm like, okay, I hope it stays. And then you walk out and you're like, good evening Milwaukee. And you smile in a way it's like crack and it just starts running down your face. It would happen so often.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Thank God acne is behind me in my life. That was a huge struggle for a really long time. And seeing my sister never have to deal with
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
She's 18 months younger, but perfect, silky, thick hair, never had to get braces, born with straight teeth, veneer teeth, never had acne. Yeah, but does she have a good personality? She does. No. Like, she doesn't even know she's hot. Like, she could have been a model, actress, all these things, and she's just like, yeah, she's pretty amazing. I don't know if she's content.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
She's like a mom of three, just making it work. She's a teacher. She was a teacher. She actually stopped teaching, and now she's a teacher. That was rough. That's a lot of stress. She taught for 10 years Spanish in our old high school. She was great at it, but it was just too hard. She has insecurities just like everyone else, but I had a rough time growing up with that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
She was much more popular than I was. The boys in my grade liked her and had crushes on her. She'd be the type of girl that I'd have all my girlfriends over and my sister would come in and talk to us and then my sister would leave and they'd all go, oh! She's so pretty. A reaction that I would never get. Just that kind of thing of like, wow, that's what I want.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Just strangers telling my mom that this child should model and then I'm just standing there. Rude things. And I was just sensitive. So I picked up on it like that's your value and I don't have it. And so just really resenting that I was born not as pretty as I could have been. My parents' DNA made that. Why did it fuck up this way?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I used to yell at my mom and be like, you knew there was ugly in your family tree and you risked it with me. And she's like, you shut up. She would be so mad at me. But I used to get really venomous about how mad I was. And people saying, you look nothing like your sister.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Always getting told I look like my dad, which no matter how hot your dad is. Yeah, you don't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You never want to hear you look like your dad. I see it now and I'm like, okay, I'll take it because he is a gangly guy and you saying your hair is the thing. My legs I used to be really insecure about because they're more muscular and my sisters were just model thin. But now I love my legs. I get a lot of compliments on it and people are like, what do you do for them?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I'm like, it's just my dad's legs. Like I just got lucky and it made me realize that so much of what I resent women for having is just same as my legs of like, I didn't do anything for them. I just was born with this and I just got lucky in this one. I have a dad bod for having my body. It gave me some perspective of when I attribute perfection onto people.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I shouldn't hate that girl for being hot. She didn't mean to be. It's not her fault.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And that's what I like to remember when I'm feeling ugly is like, Nikki, okay, so there's a lot of action going on when you wiggle your arm. The other day I looked at my arm in the mirror. I just saw straight on and it looked like a scrotum hanging, a ball sack. And my friends were like, no, it doesn't. And I sent them a picture and they were all quiet afterwards. Like they couldn't say no.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It's like either talk about anal or your addictions and your neuroses. Which are all the same thing, really. Yeah, they really are. They're connected. Yeah, they're all connected. Absolutely. I tend to underprepare so that when it goes poorly, I have an excuse. I think that's also why I stack my life is so that I don't have time to prepare. So I always have an excuse for when I'm not good.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But I was like, If I could snap my fingers and not have that, I would. Clearly, I'm not choosing this. It's not my fault. Why do I have to feel like I failed in some way or I'm a bad person? I didn't choose this. I wouldn't want this. Yes, there's probably exercises I could do to make it go away, but I don't have time for them. That doesn't make me a bad person.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I just get wrapped up in all the things I should be doing. You could afford a facelift. Why aren't you getting one? You could afford this laser treatment. Why aren't you doing it? Even the more money you make and the more opportunities you have to have avenues to look hotter... If you don't do them, you feel like you're failing in some way. And I hate that feeling.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Who could make the most babies for the village? Who could watch the pot boil? Who could take care of the kids? It all leads itself to do they have the hip to waist ratio that suggests they can carry more children? You want to get mad and think it's so vapid for men to assess us that way. And yeah, I appreciate you saying it's because I was a man and I was able to shift like that. I never arrived.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was like, I just have to keep pursuing being hot or talented in some way, which I wasn't talented. That was the other thing I didn't find because I wasn't able to get big and loud and funny. because I didn't want people to go, well, you're also ugly. That wasn't an option to be big. So I just waited till I found a talent and I didn't have one until I started stand-up comedy.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Literally tried everything. And that was really frustrating.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I have the greatest parents imaginable. I think it's I had a mom that just never liked the way she looked and was never pretty, never thin enough. But I was really tuned in with celebrity culture. So all that stuff got in. I wanted to be famous. So it's like I need to look like Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Not even hot. Very uncomfortable when someone's like lusting for me. I want the approval that comes with it outside of someone actually putting anything in me. Yeah, attractive. I just want people to be like, I want to be her. I guess that's what I want. Oh, that's so embarrassing to admit. No, we all, no. I used to want that. My parents, we love watching TV. I wanted to be on TV.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I wanted to be seen by them in that way and be like, wow, that's extraordinary. I'm an Enneagram three. So my worth is determined by if I am extraordinary. I do things that people go, holy shit, how could she do that? I was always like looking for that in terms of looks. I felt like that was the only way to achieve that. I was a fine actress, but just didn't get
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
cast in things in high school and was like, that's the only way to be on TV is to act. And so audition for theater school didn't get into any and was like, what am I going to fucking do? I've said this before. I was like, I'm just going to have to kill myself someday because that is a failed life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
If my only dream in life is to be on TV and be a personality, like a performer, and I don't do it and I just have to watch people do it forever, I'll eventually have to kill myself. And that sucks. Oh, I have to do that someday. It was kind of like a thing I have to do someday. Like, oh, it's not now, but soon.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, a year. The first thing I was really good at was not eating. That was the first thing that I was like, whoa. Talk about getting confidence from something because this just came to me a couple months ago when I was trying to like think about what led me to do that and why did I stick with it and why did I get such a rush from it?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Because when you're coming up in diet culture in the 90s and early 2000s, being able to not eat is maybe the best superpower imaginable for a woman. Every person around me is trying not to eat the brownie, not having dressing on the salad. And I have no problem doing that. I get high from it. I struggled with my weight earlier on and was trying diets.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was never fat, but needed to drop probably 10 or 15 pounds. I worked at a pizzeria and just ate too much and stopped playing field hockey and stuff. So I got a little bigger and people were starting to notice. So I tried stuff to lose weight. It was hard. I remember being like, I wish I could get anorexia. The same joke that most women make.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then it happened because I got nervous about a boy who liked me. I had been really scared of boys and sex and I hadn't kissed a boy. It was my senior year of high school. I think I'd kissed one boy and it was a truth or dare thing. So it didn't count. It was a guy I really liked for so long.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I won a date with him because I rigged a singled out type contest at our school where I had my friends tell me who to pick because I wanted to pick this guy, Mike. And so I had them kind of do a signal to me. Oh, So I got a date with him and then he seemed to want to go on this date that I won for this charity school thing. We had like a date planned and I was so nervous about it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I just couldn't eat that day. And that shows up quickly on me and my face. And someone said something the next day that was like, you look great. And it was a girl whose opinion about me meant so much. And I was still nervous. And so I just kept going as long as I could. And then it was just, let's just never eat again. I was just too young to understand this isn't going to work forever.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
His parents worked at Culver's. Was it a Capulet Montague's thing?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Did you even say like, but they don't. Did you protest it at first or did you know what it meant?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You never even have an interaction. Just unavailable men. You can never get rejected by them. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It's not worth it. I understand being that guarded because it can destroy you for decades. Without it, I'm good. I'm thriving.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Obviously, people have asked you out through this. When you're pursued, do you feel like they're flawed in some way for liking you?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
They have bad taste. Yes. I get it. Totally. And I need someone with good taste. So we're in a bad cycle here. Oh my God, you're so wrong. Like you are such a prize. My boyfriend, I've been with him for like 13 years off and on. And I'm not even joking you. It was just this past May that I accepted that he has great taste and he likes me and I have to trust that. Yeah. And he chose me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I didn't trick him in any way. And that I am really spectacular. It only was this last May. And that's why I liked him for so long, too, was because I thought I was winning him over. He was better than me. So it takes forever. But I think just one day you'll get it. I have no doubt in May. We were breaking up, but it was funny because I was doing it in public so it wouldn't get too heated.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I just didn't want it to end in us yelling. Not that we're yelly people, but I felt like it could go that way. And I just didn't want it to go on too long. But then the restaurant closed and so we didn't have time to break up. And we were supposed to go to a concert right after this. So we still go to the concert because we're in this nebulous stage. It seems like it's ending.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But at the dinner when we're breaking up, I go, I'm bored. And he was like, OK, but... You're one of the most boring people I've ever met. This was the week right after the roast, by the way, when I was one of the most Googled people on earth. So it was kind of funny to me that he said that because I'm like, that's not my insecurity. I kind of laughed when he said it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I know what he meant because I don't like doing things. I'm kind of like a homebody and I don't really like socializing too much. I don't like outdoor activities and sports. And he likes all those things. And I'm always insecure about not liking that stuff because my mom's like that. And my dad is a really big go-getter.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And my dad always punished my mom for that unintentionally, but made her feel bad about it. You just like to sit on the couch and watch TV and nap.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
and why don't you ever like to do anything and I always was like I don't want to be like that but I am like that but Chris said to me you're one of those boring people alive by the way if you're bored it's because you're boring that old trope and he said to me even though you're boring I accept that about you I'm never gonna throw that in your face I'm never gonna make you feel bad about not wanting to do things and for whatever reason I don't know if it relates exactly to realizing I'm lovable but it does because I was like I can't change the fact that I like to lay on the couch and watch
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
watch TV and be on my phone. I've always felt guilty about that. And I always felt like he was going to at some point just get fed up and he should be with a girl who likes hiking and likes jet skiing and likes to go meet people and talk to the waiter about how their weekend was. He deserves that. And I used to say that to him. He's like, stop saying that. And he's like, I don't want that.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I just trusted him for the first time. Like he's not going to use it against me like my dad has with my mom.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was because he loves me unconditionally. And I just felt like there were some conditions that I was holding back that once he finds this thing out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I've since let him know those conditions. And he's just like, yeah, I know you smoke weed sometimes and hide it from me. He's like, you're not tricking anyone. And by the way, I know I told you I quit smoking weed. I do. And he's like, you're not hiding it well. I've noticed. I just figure it's your thing. I don't need to be involved. It doesn't seem to be ruining your life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
The whole time I'm thinking, I can't believe I'm hiding this thing from him. I feel so bad. We still don't talk about it. That's the thing. I'm trying to figure out a way to work on stage because pot smoking for me is like this thing I can't quite let go of in my life that I come back to and I feel, oh, it's not great for my life, but it's not too bad. So I have a lot of guilt about it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I don't tell him when I do it. And sometimes I'm around him and I'm a little high and he doesn't seem to notice. And maybe he does, but he doesn't confront me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, he probably doesn't. He used to in the past, I think. And that's why I have it in my head. Because he's broken up with me over it before. Because I was like, I want to be someone who gets high before a Fleetwood Mac concert. And he's like, when are we going to Fleetwood Mac? I'm like, I don't know if we're at a Wilco show. I just want to be able to smoke a joint that someone passes me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
He's like, I don't know this person. Because it wasn't who I am. I was just trying to push him away. But anyway, I was thinking about it. I'm like, am I allowed to do this thing that I don't need to tell him I'm doing every time, even though I feel guilty about it? Why don't tell him every time I shit? As far as he does, I don't shit. I close the door every time.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
We don't talk about any of my issues in that area. Maybe it's that, but I'm rationalizing it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
What if I'm honest on a podcast he doesn't listen to? But he could listen to.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
all the places i talk about it openly he doesn't listen but he could like it's there we've talked about it in therapy and i've cried about it because he doesn't want to know why is it bad he's never had any drug in his life he's never drank he's never done anything it's not even a christian thing it's a control thing he noticed his friends being drunk and he's like i don't want to look like that and so he just never did and i think it's a little bit of the dare program there's a reefer madness type of like yes you're a loser a little bit he doesn't want a girlfriend hitting a bong and it's dirty but
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And that is what he would say. Nikki, why don't you say that part to them?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I love that you're holding it out because I could be friends with people for years and I'll see you do it. I go, when did that start? Years. They can hide it so well. So there's a shame around this stuff.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I one time went out before a set on Hollywood Boulevard to smoke a little pipe and I turn around and a homeless man, we have the same pipe. It's the same green color. Like we're both blocking the wind.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, it was a real eye opener. And I kept doing it for months after that. But if I just go, I need this, you know, it's bad, but you're not a bad person and you're doing your best.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You're right, because when I'm honest about what weed does for me, it's the one thing I still have guilt over in terms of all my addictive behaviors. I was like, what does it give me? To be honest, it just gives me instant relief from depression, from suicidal thoughts. And it medicinally offers that to me in a short term.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It can sometimes backfire and I say a dumb thing or I wouldn't do it before something like this. And I have in the past.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's the tricky part of it. It picks me up out of a depressive state like...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
almost nothing else i've ever found can alcohol used to but it's so obviously sloppy but weed i can function no one calls me out for it people don't really notice i can see it and i'm sure people do notice it affects me being smart and funny but then sometimes it makes me smarter and funnier what if you're the third smartest and funniest and not the second or first oh i'm laid out well no no see that's an unacceptable but it's you're taylor swift of comedy
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's the only thing I've ever wanted to hear in my life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I hope you don't think that's an ugly joke because I want to be very clear about that because I say that I'm a rangy broad in terms of my looks. If I have enough makeup, I can look like Kristen Bell. But my boyfriend every day wakes up to Dax Shepard. That's a woman looking like a man joke. But you are a hot guy. So I felt like I could say that and not thank you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. OK, because as you were saying the stuff before, I'm like, oh, my God, that other joke. But he interpreted because it wouldn't even occur to me that you could. But I'm glad you did it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Taylor had something to prove. Even showing up on the scene, coming out as a country artist and then making it into pop music and winning album of the year for Fearless. And then people saying like other people wrote that. And she's like, well, the next album I'm going to write all by myself. And look how great it does. She definitely is inspired by people doubting her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I wish someone would have told me earlier on whenever someone's like, what would you tell your younger self? Any young people listening or any people with kids listening, if your kid isn't good at something right away, like a natural, Please know, and you might not even know this because I don't think I would have known this as an adult had I not experienced it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I think we all hear this, but we don't let it sink in. The difference between great and good is just hard work. Someone can be great and some people are just naturals, but mostly anyone can reach those levels if you just work hard enough. You can catch up to anyone who in high school is the quarterback. Just work hard enough and you can be Tom Brady. That was all work, he put it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I just wish someone would have told me that because I always thought growing up it was like you either got it or you don't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was just reading a book called The Anatomy of a Breakthrough because I felt stuck after the Golden Globes. I took a month off and was just like, how do I even write again? I don't even know. It has really been helping me. There's this one part about the guy that race solo climbs. I haven't seen that movie because it just makes my legs feel weird even thinking about him.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But reading about how when he approaches a climb, everyone's like, what if you don't do that? He's like, I've done it so many times before with the ropes that there's no chance anything bad will happen. There's no room for error. And if the wind is off that day or that temperature or there's rain or I'm feeling weird, it won't happen. It's so practice that it can't go wrong.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I realized, oh, my God, I totally free soloed the Globes and the Tom Brady roast, which I didn't even intend to. I was just like, oh, just do the set as many times as you can to try out which jokes are best. I said the Globes monologue so many goddamn times that it was locked in and people are like, are you nervous? And I was like, no, because it's. It's like just one other time.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It's just one other time. There's no room for error. I don't like doing things that are room for error. That's why I don't like doing improv. That scares the shit out of me. Crowd work is a struggle for me. I need to know it'll go the way I want it to.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You know, the movie Baby Girl, where she likes to be talked to like a dog, trained, like good girl, that kind of stuff.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes. Not that I'm a hypersexual person anymore. Things are changing hormonally, but things that I've been into and things that I watch, it's the girls out of control. She's not telling anyone what to do. She's being told what to do. So I find it there. But I'm trying to see if any other, doesn't pot sort of do that? Oh my God, you're so right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Because sometimes just because I want to feel adrenaline, I'll smoke before I go on stage because I'm like, you got to try, bitch. Like you can't go on autopilot. You got to think about what you're doing. You're high. Are you going to remember even what you're talking about right now to finish the sentence?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I love being like, oh, my God, I don't know the end of this joke. And I'm telling it right now. Is it going to come to me? Yes. The craziest moment of my life. I don't even like to think about it. You know, you have those moments where it's like near death moments. You don't even like to think about when you almost walked in front of a train or something because you're like, oh.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It was at the I Heart Awards or something. And Usher was hosting and he pulled me up to dance, which was really awkward. It was hell. I got like last on Dancing with the Stars. A really deep insecurity of mine is that I can't dance. And so I just don't like to be forced. And with Usher, like the best dancer in the world. And it was in front of Machine Gun Kelly.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I remember Megan Fox is sitting next to him and they're all kind of watching this awkward thing. And I brought as my date, my Dancing with the Stars partner who had seen me fail already. And I'm dancing in front of him. It's I'm trying to get some kind of control back in this narrative of dancing. And I'm just thrust into this. And Usher was singing a song right before it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It was a Michael Jackson song. I just didn't know the words to. Everyone else seemed to. And he put the mic in my face. Oh, no. Usher, if you would have given me one of your songs, I would have nailed it. But I don't know this obscure. It was to me. This is literally my nightmare. So that already happened. This is not live on TV, but it's the whole audience. It was at the Dolby or something.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It's thousands of people. And it's kind of after the show and Usher is just dancing. And so I had to do this awkward dance. And then I was like, Usher, can I just have the mic? I just need to do one thing I'm good at, which is talking into a mic. So I was like, can I just say how embarrassing that just was? I got last on Dancing with the Stars. I did my Dancing with the Stars bit.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I always say on Dancing with the Stars, I got first voted off. And I say in front of my dance partner, Gleb Shevchenko, who is as hot as his name is disgusting. And so I have my bits. I wasn't trying to make it about me. I was just trying to get a couple jokes in. And I go, everyone in the audience, I want you to know what I'm feeling right now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
The thing you're worst at in the world that has been determined on ABC that you are terrible at. And you have to do it in front of Usher. And I go, Machine Gun Kelly? And... And I forgot Megan Fox's name. As I'm saying Machine Gun Kelly, I'm going, and it was probably to me, 20 seconds of like, what is her? And at the last second, it just Megan Fox, but it was so close.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I go, what would have happened had I not remembered? That's why I can't fucking just riff. Like I can't be trusted. It's like your life flashes before your eyes. I'm not remembering Megan Fox's fucking name. But thankfully it came out. But one of those moments, you're always putting yourself in bad situations.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
This is the worst part of my job is that I make people feel this way.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's what I learned from the corporate gig I did in October. That was the worst I've ever bombed in recent memory. Tell us that. It was more money than I've been offered for a gig ever. You know, can't turn it down kind of money.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I was like, yeah. And I even think I said, this doesn't seem ideal because it was for a vague hedge fund. Not even a hedge fund. It's like a group. It was like a conference for rich people to go and do fireside chats and just different activities to learn how to destroy the earth and profit from it. Sure, yeah. And it was just a bunch of media moguls. But I didn't read the fine print.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was just like, yeah. And then it shows up way sooner than I thought. It was like, oh, well, that's in October. I think I said yes to it in August. That seems forever. And then it was like the day before I hadn't done anything for it. I had shows all weekend. I just was like, I'll just write some jokes right before it. So I was underprepared for sure.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then I'm trying to memorize all the jokes that I'm writing before. And because I saw it going bad because they sent me a picture of the setup and it's on a beach and it's in the round. People don't realize it's so important for comedy. You need a ceiling. You need dark in the room.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
So people can laugh at inappropriate things and not feel like their coworkers or their peers or their wife is going to be like, you relate to that or you think that? So they need to be in the dark. Stand-up comedy, I think, shouldn't be a surprise. I don't think anyone's ever excited about a stand-up comedian coming in. At the end of a long day, it was like 9.30 at night before the DJ.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
They just wanted to get drunk and get loose. The end of the long day of all these meetings and they're like, and we have a special guest and I'm doing an hour. Comedy should really never go more than 40 minutes long. And Kevin Hart's there, but he just has to do a fireside chat. I actually ran into one of the guys that was at the show at the Golden Globes party, and he was like, I was there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Or no, he was like, I booked you. He's the guy that booked me. He's like, I want to have you back because we didn't nail it for you. It wasn't good. I'm sorry. It was a beat. I did the same thing you were saying. I want the redo for the story. Yeah. I told the story of this gig on Kimmel and it made it all worth it. This would have just been a thing I never remembered.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I wouldn't have grown from it. Now I can accept those gigs and not have fear because I know what needs to go into them to do well. So Kevin Hart was there. I say hi to him before it and I'm like, this is going to be bad. Don't watch. He's like, no. I'm going to stay. By the end of it, he was gone because I was like, let me do some Kevin Hart roast jokes I didn't do at the Tom Brady roast.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And he was long gone. I walked Kevin. What's his name? The host of The Bachelor was there. The one that was canceled. Chris Harrison was there for some reason. He didn't say hi afterwards. It was so lonely. You have to walk through the crowd. If it would be nice to just go backstage and they literally, after I said goodnight, couldn't hold the applause. The stage was as big as this table.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I just stepped two feet. And by the time I hit the sand, the applause was over. And then it was just crunch, crunch, crunch through the sand. My heels just digging in. I don't mind if an audience actively doesn't like me or is like that joke's inappropriate because I'm like, I know it's not. And you're just uptight and you need some kind of identity, which is to be offended. And I can come at you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But when they're just like embarrassed for you, they're right.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And the pity, the guy at the party was like, well, I will say you were doing jokes about molesting your nephew. And I go, wait, no, no, no, no. I did it about the idea of molesting. And he was like, what's the fucking difference? And I go, well, there is one. It's nuanced. I go, you're so right. The material was so inappropriate for that event, but that's what my act is right now.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
So next time I do these gigs, I would love to do them, but I want to be hired to roast the people. And then I will have a plan. I won't have to go into my dumb act
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I will say that sometimes I've done a roast and they'll find something about me that I'm like, I thought it was just a me thing that I say to my friends and they go, no one else sees that about you. And then someone else has seen it. And so sometimes it can hurt a lot. But generally, I've bullied myself more than anyone possibly could.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I'm so glad. I did some interview ages ago. But when I get jealous, I think mean things. I was really into her at the time. And I just saw the friends she kept. I was like, oh, I don't fit in there. So I just said something about how she just has model friends and commented about her size, too.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then in the documentary comes out, she was struggling with eating issues, which you have as well, which I had already been through in my life. But at the time, I was also not in recovery for eating stuff. So I got myself to a good place weight wise that no one would know I ate.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
had food issues but I was still chasing that and I wasn't good at it anymore looking like that I couldn't do it and so I resented it I mouthed off on a thing that I thought no one would hear which doesn't excuse it because now I know it gets out and it ends up in her documentary and I felt just so bad not because I'm busted people know I'm mean or something it was just she saw that maybe she wouldn't have seen it had it not ended up in the doc but she definitely saw her own documentary like she's seen
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
me say that. And that's the person I like the most in this world that brings me the most joy. I made them maybe feel sad. Couldn't handle it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, it was embarrassing. If you have a bad run in with someone or you make someone uncomfortable.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was like, you don't deserve her music. You hurt her. You contributed to her wanting to go away.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And their response when I first was like, hey, I think I'm in this documentary because I just heard my voice in the trailer. And my friends were like, that's not you. You would never say that. And I go, yes, I would. Because I say it about you, bitch. They were like, you love her. I'm like, I know, but you should hear what I say about you. Anyone I'm jealous of. This is the old me.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
you learn lessons through hurting people feeling really bad about it and then deciding you're allowed to make mistakes I allow that for myself now at the time I don't think I even allowed it as much but I learned from that because I knew that a letter wasn't going to get to her or I wouldn't be able to know it so I was just like I'll just put out a public thing and that's the only way and I didn't even know if she would see her or not but as soon as I did I was like I
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
put out an apology that wasn't just trying to let the public think I'm OK again. I knew it was about me letting go of that because I could listen to her music afterwards. I was like, OK, I repented. I really do feel bad. I owned it. I said everything that I needed to to not excuse myself, but to explain myself and actually say why this won't happen again and be honest.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But that joke, the reason I didn't do it, you know, the joke was everyone from TV and movies come together for one common goal to get out of here without Dax Shepard asking them to do their podcast.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I just felt like now I'm finally, in the words of Taylor Swift, clean.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
yeah i love that i'm finally clean yes and then she commented on it oh i didn't even know i was on a date later that night and i put my phone away just to pretend like i was a girl that doesn't check her phone and like oh i don't need it he was a comedian went down to go to a set and i instantly check my phone when he goes down and i have dozens of text messages being like did you see and she wrote something back i only read it once because i can't handle it it was very nice from my memory of it it was just something of like this means so much to me and um it's a great example of being able to explain your vulnerability she just got it she
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I fully got what I was doing. And I love apologizing now when I can really get down to why it happened and own it and be like, I was just insecure. I was jealous that you're thin. I want to be your friend. I didn't see myself fitting in and I lashed out and that's what it is. And it's nothing more. It's nothing to do with you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Sometimes I find myself when I slip up, if I am really close to someone who maybe works with me and they're working with me because I want them to have to be friends with me. And I obviously want their...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
expertise with me but then they kind of grow up and they're ready to spread their wings and fly i've in years past said things that would maybe make them feel insecure and they called me out and i go what is this and i go because i don't want them to leave yeah it's because i know they're so good for you for realizing it's a thing i have to check because i've had it done to me back to the boys a confident version of them wouldn't want to be friends with you
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
yes or unless I pay them they're not gonna leave you and it's just not true I've been able to keep those friendships but it's just the more I can admit my flaws like you said if I'm not ashamed of it if I can say yeah I was jealous of Taylor Swift for being skinny I went on this podcast and I talked about JLo I watched JLo's documentaries and I used to be not a hater but kind of like a lot of society or culturally so things about she can't sing or can't
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Okay, first of all, it doesn't work because everyone does want to do your podcast. So I was testing it out around town and because you're not known as a podcast that's like, oh, I got to go do this. It's funny because your name is great. It adds a good joke texture. It sounds like a vape company. It's got a good mouth feel. What did you say?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
A lot of hate because everyone's so fucking jealous of her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
She's so beautiful. She actually can sing really well. She's a passionate, fearless creator and performer. She made a documentary with her own money to tell the story of her rekindling romance that ended up not going well. She knew it could have maybe not. out there for people to consume and judge. And people did. That's ballsy. And I'm actually kind of jealous of that kind of risk taking.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And so what do I do? I have to shit on it. And then I watched her documentaries and I was like, man, she's fucking cool. And I'm lame. Any kind of hate I have for her is pure jealousy. And I talked about a podcast. She reached out to me and now we're friends. I love that. And now I couldn't love her more. I see totally through every preconceived notion I had about her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes, because you secretly want it, but you're not willing to do what she's doing to get it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Let's say it's the same motivation. Well, she went and got it. You are scared people are going to go. He needs attention. So what do you do? You shit on her so that you sell yourself the story that people are going to say that about you if you do it, which causes you to not do it. I always make fun of people who do cringe things online.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I used to if someone's doing something comedically and taking a chance or showing their stomach fat or doing something that's really vulnerable that you told yourself you wouldn't be lovable if you did. I'll make fun of that person to my friends behind their back because then when I want to do something like that, I'll go, Nikki, don't because people will make fun of you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I have to create a narrative so that I don't take those chances. Usually everything that I hate on is jealousy. Yeah. And it's kind of fun to unpack it and kind of go, oh, it all whittles down to that. The more exhausting it gets to be anyone but myself, the better for me. That is the best thing about aging is that it just becomes too tiring to try. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then people end up liking you so much more when you don't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And you go, I could have just been doing this the whole time. But you really can't because you can't get there any sooner than you get there.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. I actually met her before I was a huge Swifty during her red tour. I got invited because a show on MTV and they invite us backstage and I got a moment with her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Not even. I want to just be a fan. I just really like being a Swifty and I want to keep it. I like putting her on this pedestal that she probably doesn't even want to be on. I like feeling like a little girl when I'm at the shows. That's why I go to 22 shows. It's four hours of the best dopamine release I've ever had in my life. I feel like the happiest person I've ever felt.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I can't risk losing that. So right now, what we have is so perfect of her being this pop star that I admire.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
We were really trying to rack our brains of who's a celebrity in that room who people are trying to avoid a conversation with. And I don't even think we landed on it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I think I heard Ellen on Jay Leno's Tonight Show talk about quitting that way, quitting smoking. I heard maybe Ashton Kutcher. It was a couple of celebrities had talked about it. And I was like, oh, I'll just get the book to see what happens. And then I was ready to quit smoking. And I just was like, I'll read it because you get to smoke while you read it. That's the thing that made me go, OK.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
great. And then by the end of it, he goes, have your last cigarette. But I bet you don't want one. And he's right. You just don't want one. And I could not have explained that to my smoking self. But I promise you, it just worked on me. And so drinking, I wasn't ready to let go of anytime soon. At that point, I quit smoking, I think 2009. So I need two more years with drinking.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And then I hit a bottom in Cleveland after a weekend of shows. I was supposed to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one morning, but I was hung over and I couldn't go. And I'm like, oh, this is affecting me seeing Britney Spears sequined outfit from the 2000s VMAs. This is becoming unmanageable. Like if I can't see John Lennon's sunglasses or whatever. And so...
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was puking all day and I had already bought the book because I just knew I was circling the drain and I just needed that one moment to go. I'm going to read it. So as soon as I flew back to New York, I grabbed the book and I started reading it. The drinking one. If you're interested in this, people go, which one? Because there's lots of them. Just whichever one.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
The one for women, the one for controlling drinking, whatever you want to do. I don't think you can really control drinking, but give it a whirl.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Alan Carr died of lung cancer, oddly enough, because he smoked for like 30 something years, but eventually created this method, quit. It robs you of any reason you have to do it. Any excuse you have of like, it makes me more social. Let's piece that apart. Actually, we're going to prove to you without a question of a doubt that it doesn't make you more social. It makes me more brave.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
OK, well, then firefighters would be getting loaded before they ran into burning buildings. They're not. It's not bravery. It makes you dumb. That's the bravery. You're saying things that you wouldn't normally say.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Exactly. You're becoming dumb. It's dominating you. And so all the excuses that you had, it relaxes you. Then it proves that it doesn't. It actually causes way more anxiety. So you're kind of left with no reason to do it. They found that for a lot of people's addictions, I guess, when they have no reason to do it, they don't need to do it because you're always making excuses of why you need it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And that's why I haven't read the pot book yet, because I'm not ready to give it up because I know it'll work.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It went to pot. It went to sex, just things that weren't as detrimental. It was really the hangover that I was avoiding more than anything. So it was food mostly because of my history with anorexia. After I gained enough weight to like not be a death's door, I just went to like binge eating and bulimia was always in some kind of eating disorder state. Then it was like 10 years.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It was COVID where my life got small and then the food just filled up. So my life was so busy because it kept me from eating all the time. And then I was just uncontrollable around food.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
He has a book for emotional eating and it did kind of work. But it is a spiritual problem that I have. I don't think people know that if you're starving yourself or if you're bulimic or if you're overeating or whatever it is, there's a place for you. There's a 12 step for you that might not sound like the place you should go because you might be an under eater.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But there's a blank anonymous that has a place for you that I didn't know about and didn't consider because I was like, Like that's not for me, but it helped so much. And I've been sober from starving myself for four years. I've been off gum for four years. Gum was a big thing for me. I get sores in my mouth. It was like cigarettes, two packs a day of this Trident.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It's this trickier thing because you have to find your own sobriety.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, you define your own thing. So mine for a while was don't eat in bed. And then I was like staying in hotel rooms where I was like, well, there's no table. So let's amend this one. Now mine is if you're hungry, you don't get to keep going. You have to eat. So the first second that I'm like, I'm hungry. I don't get to be like, yeah, let's ride this out. That's not negotiable.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Because I used to get like, oh, my body is eating itself. I'm doing something productive. Let's ride this. You don't get to do that anymore. Other girls get to do that. That's a very common thing I hear about all the time of like, I skipped breakfast. I don't get that luxury. No, I can't be trusted with starving.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I think that's a big part of it, too, is just hearing people you would never, ever hear their stories and just learning how to be just vulnerable around strangers and feeling in a safe space. It's good for everyone. I'm always like, I wish there was one for just a normal person. And there is. It's called Al-Anon because everyone can call someone in their life. So there is a room for you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Teaching you empathy. It's amazing. It's a lost part of our culture to share and to be part of a community. And yeah, it gives you that. But it's a lot of work. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's the problem I have. But man, when you're doing it, it feels good. It's like meditating. It's always like I have time to work out or meditate. And they say you should just meditate instead of work out.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And sometimes it's just so hard to sit and meditate, even though I always feel better after it. Do you guys meditate?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Howard sold me on that big time. That really helped with my depression for a while until I stopped doing it. Yeah.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But then it stopped working because I wasn't doing it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
You take the medicine and then you're like, I feel great. And you're like, I don't need to take this anymore. Why do we all do that with everything? It's a big deficiency for human brains. I'm prescribed ADD meds and I feel so amazing on them. I feel like it's cheating. And so I won't take them because I feel like I can't Lance Armstrong life like this. I'll feel guilty.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I can't be proud of my accomplishments because it's a pill. I tell my doctor, I can't take it because I feel like it makes me feel too good. And he's like, isn't that good? And I'm like, but I just feel like I'm tricking you. He's like, you aren't tricking me. You didn't want this. I am a doctor. Don't insult me like that. But I kind of like feeling bad, I guess. I feel like I deserve it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I saw Jesse Eisenberg talking on CBS Sunday morning about volunteering during COVID. He moved back to Bloomington and worked at like a shelter. He was the happiest he ever was. We had him on too. So why did he go back to this then? Because I was like, well, I want to go just do an animal sanctuary. I have enough money that I'd be fine the rest of my life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Why don't I just go rehabilitate goats and teach pigs how to walk again?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I think you have a lot of bad person. Yes. There's a lot of bad person driving you. Because you say a shitty thing about someone you love and then people point out even that Taylor Swift thing. I'm like, I am a bad person. If I would have just seen that as a Swifty, I'd be like, fuck that girl. She's a mean girl. And it's like, am I secretly a mean girl? And I'm like, I don't think so.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
No, I'm just like, sorry that you got to deal with that chick. There's nothing worse than feeling ugly. And I feel ugly a lot too. And for me to hear you say you feel ugly is probably the way that people feel when I say it because I know I'm not like a total dog.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Like part of my brain thinking I might be a sociopath, but I've learned that sociopaths don't question it and they don't want to fix it.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's why I like to explore on stages my darkest thoughts. And then hearing people laugh, I'm like, oh, you've thought this too.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And it really has been easy to not drink. It's the number one advantage I feel like I have over people sometimes. Not having a kid is another one I have to admit has freed me up to do a lot of stuff in my late 30s and now into my 40s that I wouldn't be able to do.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Now I know why my mom was cranky and chugging Diet Coke like she was hungover. I'm going to cut her some slack. That is rough, dude.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It really felt like a hang. Good. I was in the middle of it just like, why am I so comfortable? It doesn't usually go like this.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But we can't help that we feel that way, because to me, I'm like, how could he feel ugly? But I don't get to tell you you don't get to feel ugly because that's your own feeling. I wouldn't make an ugly joke about someone that was actually ugly.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
We just started, really. I've never performed in front of this many people in my life.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It really is. This is new to me. I was doing theater tours for the past five years and you'd sell 70 percent. Sometimes you sell out. It's a big deal.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And there's a little bit of I'm the same person I was before. Maybe these people are wrong that are coming out. But it's actually really exciting because I'm trying to embrace. No, more people should see me. This is the right thing. I'm having imposter syndrome problems. But for the first time in my life, I am working so much harder on my stand up than I ever have.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
It was always just something that kind of came naturally. I didn't have to really focus that hard. And now I'm kind of doing the same thing I did with the Golden Globes and the roast. And I'm looking at my material that way. Let's punch it up and make it as hard hitting as those because I can do it. It's just more work. And so I'm taking this very seriously. This isn't just any stand up tour.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yeah, and you don't have to spend it on your kids. Yeah, but Taylor's not on tour anymore.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
But you don't realize that people who aren't ugly feel ugly. So when you make the joke that you go, I only said you were fat because you're not or whatever it is. But everyone feels these things that anyone else would say. No way you are.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Even though you were probably blacked out during the whole thing, just waiting.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I know that feeling of they're going to say something about me and just waiting. You can't even hear. You're just kind of like.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Oh, feeling like you don't belong there when you're a plus one. If it's your wife.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
A hundred percent. I was at the Grammys last night and I felt that way.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was hosting the Golden Globes and was like, I'm a fraud.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I'm embarrassed these people even have to listen to me. These are all A-listers. Ray Fiennes has to know my name. Now my name is taking space up in Ray Fiennes' brain. Angelina Jolie had to like sit there and listen to me for nine minutes. When you start thinking about things like that, you're like, who am I to beg for these people's attention?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Even backstage, after I perform, I never really want to see the crowd because I feel like they will feel like they have to say good job if they don't want to. And then if they don't say good job, I'm like, what the fuck?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Yes. And there's almost nothing good enough that anyone can say.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Or nothing. Sun god or bust. Please send that to me because it's so nice when you find that other people feel these exact same things that you feel so ridiculous feeling. I was backstage. The next presenter would be backstage as well. You know, Nicolas Cage or Harrison Ford. And I would stand at the bottom. They're like, you need to go up the steps. You're introducing them.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
And I go, I just want to stay down here because I don't want them to have to go. Oh yeah, good job. Like they can't say nothing. They're going to feel obligated to say something. Even when I'm on stage, I won't look people in the eye because I feel like when you do, they have to go, ha ha ha ha. I don't want to coerce someone into saying good job.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I want them to have to like go out of their way or because they want to.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
That's why the joke didn't work. I got the sense that that's not how you operate at all. And why don't you operate that way? This is one of the biggest things you can be on. Do you not realize that? Or do you just feel like despite it, they still don't want to?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I do too. So why do we think people are different than us?
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
People love that. Yeah. I love it too. Everyone wants to be the sun god that people are asking. Yes, they really do. Well, last night I was at the Grammys. I feel like I don't belong there. I don't want people even noticing me to go like, why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy. I didn't win.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to hold it to be like, I belong. I just wanted to have a reason to be there. So I was being very small. And then people were coming up to me, people I'm fans of. And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were just kind of doing a debrief afterwards. He's like, I think you have to remember that
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
you need to go up to people next time. You going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you. Because that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, but you could go give that to people. And I was like, I don't think of anyone thinking that they would want that from me. I didn't.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Everyone wants a piece. I will never be the one to be like, excuse me ever. It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift because I won't even look her way. She's like tapping you on the shoulder. It will take that because I just will never. And everyone goes, go up and say something to her.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
There's no way that she's dying for that in a night like this where everyone's doing it. And of course, she would be so nice. I know exactly how it would go down, but I don't want to take someone's energy. Right. A way that I require their energy to be put into making great music. I don't want her to make a less great song because she had to be like, nice to meet you.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
Something tells me I can't bother her. I generally after award shows get pretty depressed no matter what happens because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and the desperation and they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and having
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I have the fake hair in and I'm like, we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not. It makes me a little bit sad because I'm like, no matter how big you get, you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated. I kind of go through a depression afterwards.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
There is pixie dust. There's magical moments where you're like, wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing. Just even watching Chapel Roan last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Ray, who I had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Nikki Glaser
I was like, I wrote this exact same joke. It's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before. But even when I get mad, everyone's such a hypocrite. Not that you were. No, I was. But unintentionally.
Morning Wire
Trudeau’s Resignation & New Orleans Lawsuit | Afternoon Update | 1.6.25
You're all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you could really do anything. I mean, except tell the country who to vote for, but it's okay. You'll get them next time. That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy's credit card. I mean, seriously. Oh, no, no. I know. I'm sorry. I'm upset, too. The after party is not going to be as good this year, but we have to move on.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, it started early. Like, I remember I wrote, you know, jokes for people who were doing the roasts early on, and then I did, Jeff Ross had a show called The Burn on Comedy Central, and I had a show on Comedy Central at the time, so they threw me on that, and I had a really good showing on that. I just knew it was a...
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
that I would really excel, and I needed to prove myself to Comedy Central for them to even consider me. So I worked really hard to do that TV show, and I did a great showing. And then people don't really want to do roasts. So it's like, you know, they probably asked Whitney Cummings that year. They asked Amy Schumer. And then they, Natasha Leggero, and they probably didn't want to do it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And so they called up me and last minute, you know, you get booked like a week before and you go, okay. And then you have a good one. And then they asked you back the next time. And every time I kind of go, I don't know if I want to do this because it's so much work. And I would really, I would always have like a mental breakdown right before it and think, what am I doing?
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I'm going to bomb and like cry and have panic attacks about it. I don't know if you guys relate to that where you would say yes to things. Yeah. And then you do them and you go, I'll never do this again.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Because even tomorrow, sometimes I'm like, I'll be different tomorrow. But yeah, I'm always, that's such a great, but this though, I need time to prepare. So I don't know how to answer that, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone asks me, I always want to do it because I'm like the exposure, the potential of it. And then you get in it and it's like destroying my relationships, destroying my life.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
It's making me self-doubt all the time. And then it's over and I'm like, that was the greatest. I can't wait to do it again. And then everyone in my life goes, what do you mean you want to do that again? But this time around, I actually implemented a system where I was happy the whole time and I know how to do it now and I can't wait to do it again. But the three before destroyed my life.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yes. The dread. Every time. People have told me that no one hates what they are going to do more than you all the time. And then when I do it, even when I'm like about to go, when I'm on stage with a microphone having the time of my life, unless I'm like bomb, you know, like something's totally wrong. But as soon as I'm performing, I'm in it. I'm doing great.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But dread constantly up until that moment. And I think that's just, I don't know, the way it goes.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
No, and I want to ask you guys about it too. Do you have goals or do you just keep saying yes to things as you go? And see where it takes you? Because I kind of just say yes to where it takes me. If you look at my credits, you see that I say yes to a lot of shit.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Regret it immediately. Try to get the rope off to no avail. Regret it immediately.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But then, I've been trying to like manifest stuff, and I'm doing these manifest meditations where it's like, just picture your life with the thing you want. Feel that it's already happened, and then you drift off to sleep, and you try to get the feeling, not that you're doing the thing, but that you live in a world in which this is what you do. It's already happened.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
It's, what is his name? Neville Goddard. Neville Goddard. That's how everyone says his name on YouTube. But, yeah, please help.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
that's what I'm struggling with is like, I kind of like the way things are. And so I have an apartment. I don't like, I don't own a home. And so I'm like, you know what? I should own a home. So let me just visualize the home I'm in. And then I think about like, we got to get these cabinets redone. And then I'm like, oh, I got to call someone. Like I'm living in it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And then I go, I got to call the landscaper. Like there's so much work that starts happening. I go, I don't want this house. Like, let me take me back to my apartment. So I'm kind of like, I just really like the way things are now. That's great. But I have goals of like, you know, SNL I think is a good goal. Like hosting SNL. That's a great goal for a celebrity person.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
That's happening in the fall. It's happened, right? Yes. I think it's happened. Have they approached you? It's happened. I think it's not yet, but there's been talks. There's whispering. They should get you.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
That's already manifested. So I got, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's next, but what do you, what about Will and Jason? Do you guys goal it up?
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I think I did it, that's what, why my, when I was in high school, I used to just tell my friends, oh, I used to be obsessed with Dave Matthews and my friends all were too. And I would say, oh, I'll just like meet him someday and like get to, I'm going to tell him like how I feel. And they were like, how would you meet him? And I'm like, well, I'm going to be famous. And they were like, what?
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
They just like, I remember their incredulousness of like that I thought that. And it was so obvious to me that that was going to happen and that I'll be in his sphere forever.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yes and no. I mean, I think that's what I started pursuing initially in high school when I was like, how am I going to get... How am I going to meet Dave Matthews? I got to get... That was my real goal of being on TV. That's the only way I could be in his sphere. And when I met him, I said the word sphere several times. I tried to be in your sphere. It was really embarrassing.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
That did not come until way later. So I was like, okay, I'll be an actress. And I was not getting the parts in school plays. And I didn't even go to like a theater school. So it was like, you know, I was getting Townsperson B and stuff. So I was getting feedback like, this isn't for you to act.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Always be. And I would think I would get the lead. And then I'd be at the bottom of the list and I would cry. And then I'd go, oh, I guess I'll go do field hockey. And it was terrible at sports. So I was like, didn't really, but I was so depressed that it wasn't going to work out. I auditioned for theater school, didn't get in anywhere.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I was really like, I guess I'll just like have to kill myself. That's great. Like, I really was thinking that because what's the point of living if you're not gonna be on TV and performing in some way? But I had no way to do it. I just thought acting's the only way. I had no idea there were other things. I didn't even look into it. I knew I couldn't sing or dance. What did your parents do?
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
My dad's in the cable business and my mom was just a homemaker. And so they were just, they were always supportive. And I come from a really funny family and they have great taste in comedy. So I was always consumed. My dad like introduced me to Conan when I was in like eighth grade. And I was like, you got to check out this show. And then that changed my life. And Seinfeld I was obsessed with.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And Friends. I was really, I loved comedy, but I wasn't, stand-up didn't, I didn't do much for me. I just wasn't even paying attention to it. And then I went to college and I was like... Long story short, I had like a terrible eating disorder because I was pretty much like, I just want to die. My life sucks and nothing's going the way I want it to.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I have to go to college and figure out what I want to do for a living, but I don't want to do anything except... perform and I'm not good at that. And everyone tells me I'm not good at it. Like I was taking voice lessons to be a singer and my voice teacher like took my mom aside and said, this is a waste of your money. She doesn't have it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And so I just was so discouraged. And then I just got an eating disorder that I was like, oh, I'll just die of this. And I really wanted to. I was really like slowly just dying. And then I was hospitalized. It was right after high school and I was going off to college. I was hospitalized over the summer and... And then I, you know, needed to get out of there. And so I lied.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I was like, I just got to go away to college. And then I can like kind of die off alone without people monitoring what I'm eating. Oh my God, Nikki, this is awful. It's so sad. It's so sad. But I really was like, what's the point? I just didn't know what the point of life would be if I wasn't a performer.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Because I also, I wanted, I feel like my parents really pay attention to TV in a way that I always wanted to be paid attention to. And I think that's why I wanted to get on TV. Even though they love me so unconditionally, I just didn't feel it. the way that... I was just a very sensitive child. Anyway, they're great parents.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Well, they proved they loved... I'm still working on it, but I have theories that they do. But the love seems to amp up a little bit when I, you know, bring them to the Tom Brady roast. You know, like, there's a little bit more of text messages from my mom of, I've always loved you, like, finally.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
You just touch bottom and then just... Well, I was like ready to fucking go. Every night I would be like, please die in your sleep because I was just hungry all the time. And it's like, you know what it's like to be hungry, Jason.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And so it's, yeah, I was waiting for that to like just end it because I was cold all the time. I was hungry. I looked insane. So I couldn't really make friends because everyone's just like, this girl is like a skeleton who looks so weird and looks so brittle. And I was about to die and my hair is falling out. And I'm at my freshman year of college. I don't have any friends.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I need to make some. So I think I just turned up my personality a lot just because I looked so crazy that I needed, the only way to make friends was to be larger than life. And so I started being funnier. I just like, it just was an adaptive trait.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I did because no one would like me otherwise. And then all of my friends, I got friends because I was funny and really outgoing. And all my friends would say, God, when we first saw you, we were like, who is that girl? And then we kind of forgot that you looked like that because people would go to my friends and be like, we're really worried about her.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And they'd be like, we don't even know what you're talking about because- I did really just overcompensate for how sick I was with my personality. And that's when people started going, you should be a stand-up comedian. Wow. And once I heard that, I go, okay, what's that? Okay. Amazing. I mean, I knew what it was, but then I Googled it, and I saw Sarah Silverman, and then that changed my world.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I didn't want to be made fun of. I wanted to be the first to make the joke about how thin I was or what. I wanted to be so extraordinary in my personality that no one would notice how scary I looked or how concerning. And so I think that was it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
You know, like the fat kid in school can be the class clown or most, I had never experienced that before where my looks like made people talk about me and whisper about me and make fun of me. I always just in high school wanted to just disappear. I didn't want boys to make fun of me. I just was so scared of any attention. I wanted attention on stage when I told you you could.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But I really was like... People from high school are just like, you are a comedian? Like, I just kind of was... I didn't really... I didn't make big waves in high school. But... And then when I turned it up, that's when people started telling me that. And then as soon as I looked into it, I was like, oh, of course this is it. I've always... I'm like writing comedy. I love comedy.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And then acting, the thing I found hard was like being someone else. I really think it was just, I was always trying to run away from who I was. And I finally found something that celebrated. I could say the weirdest things and the darkest things that I was ashamed of into a microphone. And then people like me more because of the things that I hate the most about myself.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
which is the reason that mental illness exists is because people aren't being honest. And so that really helped me heal.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Say the honest thing and people can't even believe you're saying it because most people aren't honest at that level. And so whenever I'm on stage and I'm trying a new bit and it's not going well and I've kind of lost the audience and they know that I know, I just like, my trick for that is just to stop.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But that's the struggle, though, because I also want to be hot. Like, listen, we're all funny, but we all care about looking aesthetically.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
It's good. Okay. But yeah, we all care about what people think, like how we look. And then people go, but you're funny. You don't need to care. And it's like, well, it is a part of it. And it's honestly, that's, I'm being honest when I say I'm insecure about my looks. So that's still part of it for me. I can't help that I do care about my looks, even though, you know.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
They will say, in the comments, there was, it's insane that there are comments under every single clip or video or picture that is of you. David Spade told me, A while ago, he was like, you know, back when I did the Hollywood Minute during Weekend Update, that was the only time celebrities got like mocked mercilessly for like a minute.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
That was the only time that celebrities were being made fun of ever because it was just all- Stern used to do it a bit right before that, you know? Right. Okay, so there's like two outlets for it. And now it's all people do.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, you just want to get carjacked a little. Yeah. In the Midwest. Desperate to be. Yeah. I get what you mean. Well, the reason I like it is because if I'm in New York or LA, I can do a set every single night and I can feel like I'm not doing enough. And I could be doing a set tonight and getting stronger. And I could be doing a podcast. But in St. Louis, there's nothing much going on.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
So I feel like it's just kind of an escape. I'm a workaholic and I lock up my liquor on the coast and I go and I can go get it if I can get a key and like deliberately go get it. But it's not just waiting for me in my room in St. Louis. I kind of am away from work and don't have to drive myself crazy with it. And I can forget that all that stuff matters.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
When you really are in New York and L.A., you get sucked into the machine of like you've got to do more. It's not enough. And comparing yourself more, even though they're all waiting for you on Instagram to compare yourself to, I feel it more here, which is good sometimes. When I was doing the roast, I was like, I'll go to L.A. for a month and a half before that to get in the zone of like –
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
competitiveness and running my set every night and like feeling like I'm not enough and needing to prove myself. But I couldn't do that in St. Louis. I couldn't just like fly and do the roast. I would have come with this like Midwest ease. I needed to come in like strong and insecure.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Like, Wake up, go into my podcast room, which is next to my bedroom, do a podcast. Then I go to a Pilates class. Then I go to Starbucks and pretend to write. And then I, you know, that whole thing where you open up your laptop and then you just... That's a whole thing that I love.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
You guys are too famous to do that now. That's the fame I don't want to be is like where I can't go to Starbucks still and just sit in a coffee shop. It's coming. I got to really enjoy it while I got it. But yeah, I just sit there in online shop and then I go back home and play my guitar a little bit. Then I go to a voice lesson. I'm still trying to be a singer. So I just, yeah.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I'm at the Comedy Store podcast studio. Truly? I'm visiting LA and I wasn't going to fuck around with you guys. I wasn't going to trust my Wi-Fi at my hotel. I needed like a real studio. This is the real deal.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And then I go hang out with my parents, hang out with my niece and nephews. And then, you know.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
No, there totally is. I think that it would be so fun to do it. Yeah, I bet you'd be great. Being on set is really exhausting and boring sometimes.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But what about the memory? I always wait to the last second for everything. So that doesn't work in acting. You can't be just like... you know, binging your lines right before and memorizing it. I'm sure sometimes that is the way it has to happen. But there's a lot of preparation and forethought that goes into being an actor and preparing.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I feel like as a stand-up comedian, as long as I'm just showing up as myself, I can get the job done. Like, I don't like a lot of review. I don't like a lot of rehearsal. I don't like to critique myself because then I start to see the flaws. So with stand-up, I'm just like, I can just be in a conversation and just...
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
you know with someone and be like talking about something really sad and crying and then walk on stage and do it and then walk off and get right back to it I don't have to like get in a zone it just seems like a lot of work and I'm into now I would get jobs where I'm acting against people like you guys who have been doing it so long and I'd feel like I'm not good enough and their self-doubt would come in well we'd be judging you but you should Sean would have a spare rope and chair for you if things went wrong always standing by always standing by yeah
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Don't apologize for a joke and cancel culture. I'm just really not that interested in that stuff either. And I think that we like to pat ourselves... You know, every artist likes to pat themselves on the back like they changed the world. And some of it does. But I just... I don't know. I don't... I don't...
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I kind of just fell into it and it fits me, but I don't think of it as stand-ups are like above other. No. I think sometimes we have to think that because we feel so less than and that's why we do stand-up is because we didn't fit in any of the other ones.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I did. I did. I went back during COVID just to hang out with my parents and my family and then it lifted and I was just like, no one even knows I'm here. I can just go to LA and people in LA think I'm in New York and people in LA or New York think I'm in LA.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But when people ask me about the process, it's always like, how do you write it? I think it's the same for most comedians. It's just you say something funny in conversation, and then you go, oh, I should maybe do something about that. And then you take out your phone, and the conversation comes to a halt, and everyone waits for you. And you go, wait, exactly how did I say it?
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And then you ruin the moment. And then I'm in the wings of the show before the show kind of going like, what should I do tonight? I'm kind of sick of my act as it is. And I'll look through and I'll go, oh, okay, maybe I'll throw that in. And then it just kind of happens on stage. But it's a lazy room.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Well, being on Smart List is a huge deal to me. Oh, yeah. You've done a huge favor.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
fucking funny and your show was so good and talk about vulnerability I mean that's but that's what we don't we all want that from our celebrities like I've always just wanted to see how they are I used to love the like the stars are just like us kind of things I used to really do love that And that's what I think podcasts have given us is that conversational quality and we get to really know you.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And some actors stink and they're not interesting at all in conversation. But you guys don't. You're so fucking funny. And yeah, I'm just like.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I just read that about St. Louis. We have the highest crime, but it's really... That can't be true.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, but you just got to avoid parts of town. But it's a segregated city. It's not the greatest for that. So you just, yeah. Yeah, we still have issues in St. Louis. Wow.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
They are. Everybody sounds gray on this just like me, so I'm not so dumb. It's confusing. I don't know if it's one that's separate, but no, I think they're separate. They have to be separate because they are in different... You can't have a city cut in two. Can you not? Maybe you can.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I think that's, I think, wait, Missouri claims that. They're both Missouri.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Wait, no, it's Kansas, wait, no, no. I think Kansas, oh my God. It's Kansas City, Missouri is the one that's like everyone knows about. Kansas City, Kansas is next to it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
It's Missouri, yes. It's on the other side. St. Louis is on one side and Kansas City is on the other. And I did get started in comedy in Kansas City. So I know, I should know. I went to school in Kansas, in University of Kansas. Oh, you went to Lawrence. But I don't know these things. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But they say KU. It's not a thing that makes sense where I'm from. Everything's all fucked up over there. I don't really like, I got to get out of there. I'm second guessing everything.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, because that's a good one that you can just use for anything. Like, yeah, I talk about, like, I have a bit about my boyfriend and, you know, we break up and date other people and then I look back at him and I just think, oh my God, like after dating all these guys, I'm just like, he's the best I can do. Right. So I've realized that I've recycled that one. Yeah, that works.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I didn't feel that way. I kind of was like, yeah, this... I've never been like, when is everyone going to notice? And I just kind of... I really just take what comes to me and I never really want to like fight for people to care about me. I want people to care about me on their own time. Yeah, yeah. So I've kind of been like, okay, when they do, they do. And felt pretty relaxed about it.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But this was... I mean, it was insane. It was just like kind of an overnight thing that I never expected would happen in my career. I've always expected it just to be very slow and gradual. And I kind of liked the level of fame I had achieved. It's comfortable. I'm not that recognizable. My life isn't like disrupted by it ever, but there's some perks to it. And- Now it's changed.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I went for nothing, and I'm just good. It's like I can say no to things if I want, but now it's like it was a huge bump overnight, and I'm sure you guys have experienced that in your careers as well, and it's just we're just more people.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
They don't say that, thank God, because it would be so mean coming out right away. And sometimes I will go there, but no, thank God they don't do that. They just say, did we go to camp together? You know, that kind of thing. Because I usually look like shit when I'm traveling. So I don't really look that recognized. I don't buy that. I really do not look the same.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And your feelings do get hurt. Like you can go in thinking, oh, they're only going to go this far. And then they go further. I know I've seen it happen where they don't plan on you going there. And they don't, they just.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And to say that, like, I went some places on the Tom Brady roast that I thought other people would go to, and they didn't. And I was the only one that kind of said those names or brought up those subjects that were kind of sore for him. And it is crazy. Like, I've seen old roast clips of, like, I don't like to watch myself, so when I come up on my own feed, I'm like, ugh, get out of here.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
But when I was preparing for this roast, I was like... okay, try to channel what you've done in the past. You've got to watch what people like about you. I don't even, you know, I just do it and then I don't watch it again. So I'm just like, watch it again and see what you bring to this because it had been four years since I'd done one. So I watched one
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And I was like, who the fuck do you think you are saying this to people? You told Alec Baldwin all this? Like, what? Like, I just didn't recognize this girl. And I'm like, she's got balls, but she's also like a psychopath. Like, I just didn't, I really didn't, I couldn't believe that I did it. But I was like, I guess I have to channel that again.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And you really just, they're set, Tom Brady's just set in your periphery a little bit back enough that you can't really see him when you're performing. Right, right, right.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, I think he said that he, in hindsight, kind of regrets it. I don't really... He doesn't regret. He's glad he did it, but he didn't know that we would go some places. I don't really know how he feels about it, but I totally... See what he means.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Because I think you go into these things thinking that they're – you just don't know what people will dig up about you and see in you when they study you and look at your face.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
I think – I think there was one joke at a Comedy Central one where it was about, it was like a Paul Walker joke that Ludacris was there and he's friends with him, obviously, and he got up and like walked off stage. I think there was, but they cut it later. I think there was something like that that happened. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
What happened? She does like self-help talks now. So she's like a motivational speaker now. But she got out of it because she was like, it's too mean.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
And you can handle it. It's been off the air for a while. You can have some distance.
SmartLess
"Nikki Glaser"
Yeah, the reaction shots are always the best. That really sells it too is that you got to have the person that you're making fun of when they're cutting to them live. That really will like make or break what people thought of your joke.
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