Nicholas Hartley

Hey, my grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Because he's just sitting there like, the ref is on their team.

Hey, my grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Because he's just sitting there like, the ref is on their team.

That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like, you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like, I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.

That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like, you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like, I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.

I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.

I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.

26.

26.

The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, ingles? And they're like, no. That's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow, a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant. It is going up there like, can I get you some chili killis? Would that be all right?

The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, ingles? And they're like, no. That's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow, a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant. It is going up there like, can I get you some chili killis? Would that be all right?

Four months. Four months. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was playing professional rugby.

Four months. Four months. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was playing professional rugby.

Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.

Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.

I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. And that helps a lot.

Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. And that helps a lot.

I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

Yeah. I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that.

Yeah. I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that.

I can do a toe touch.

I can do a toe touch.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yeah. My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened. I'll tell you that.

Yeah. My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there, and he'll be like, that's on the board. That's bullshit. That's bullshit and a half. And then he'll be like, the black person will answer. He'll be like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding, and he goes, this is bullshit.

Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there, and he'll be like, that's on the board. That's bullshit. That's bullshit and a half. And then he'll be like, the black person will answer. He'll be like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding, and he goes, this is bullshit.

I mean, I always say that kind of watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, but I love my grandpa. So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting. I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.

I mean, I always say that kind of watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, but I love my grandpa. So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting. I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.

No, he refuses to watch basketball. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.

No, he refuses to watch basketball. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.

Yeah, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. He wants me to be an engineer, but I got a little sad. Oh, no. You're doing just fine. Thank you, Tony.

Yeah, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. He wants me to be an engineer, but I got a little sad. Oh, no. You're doing just fine. Thank you, Tony.

I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N-word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there. And I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.

I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N-word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there. And I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.

And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what did you think of that guy, grandpa? Did you like that guy? because they were having fun. And he goes, that guy, he's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him, you know?

And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what did you think of that guy, grandpa? Did you like that guy? because they were having fun. And he goes, that guy, he's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him, you know?

Yep. Wow. That is incredible. I pulled my hamstring on that one.

Yep. Wow. That is incredible. I pulled my hamstring on that one.

I mean, I play a lot of Sudokus and... I play chess, and I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot. Okay.

I mean, I play a lot of Sudokus and... I play chess, and I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot. Okay.

I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that. Yeah. Big fan of her being a gal. Yep. Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.

I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that. Yeah. Big fan of her being a gal. Yep. Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.

Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that, so.

Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Madness is happy right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Madness is happy right now.

For sure.

For sure.

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And, uh, Brosephiosh. What is she getting her master's in? Uh, she wants to be a dietician. Ooh, is she a bigger girl? No, but she does do CrossFit. And, uh, she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And, uh, Brosephiosh. What is she getting her master's in? Uh, she wants to be a dietician. Ooh, is she a bigger girl? No, but she does do CrossFit. And, uh, she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.

Why she wants to work with big girls? She says she wants to help people. There's so many other ways you could do that. She just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. Fuck. No, she's a nice lady.

Why she wants to work with big girls? She says she wants to help people. There's so many other ways you could do that. She just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. Fuck. No, she's a nice lady.

A year.

A year.

Oh, shoot. Black people. It's unbelievable.

Oh, shoot. Black people. It's unbelievable.

Man, what scares me? I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places. That's just a real fear. I am also afraid of heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

Man, what scares me? I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places. That's just a real fear. I am also afraid of heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights. When's the last time you were somewhere high? We went to Colorado one time.

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights. When's the last time you were somewhere high? We went to Colorado one time.

Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge, you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all.

Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge, you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all.

Not the best answer, I know. Have you ever been arrested? Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

Not the best answer, I know. Have you ever been arrested? Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we'd put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we'd put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

Set them out like fishing lures, you know? Damn, interesting.

Set them out like fishing lures, you know? Damn, interesting.

All right.

All right.

So here's the thing with Grandma. Okay. Grandma pretends to not be racist.

So here's the thing with Grandma. Okay. Grandma pretends to not be racist.

We'll be watching Family Feud, and Grandpa's going off, and she's like, now Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me, because I'm one of her older grandchildren, and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?

We'll be watching Family Feud, and Grandpa's going off, and she's like, now Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me, because I'm one of her older grandchildren, and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?

And I'm like, Grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

And I'm like, Grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

I was like, I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass, Grandpa. Wow. Big fan of bluegrass. He's... Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.

I was like, I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass, Grandpa. Wow. Big fan of bluegrass. He's... Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.

Yeah, no, we never... We never done it with the hoods on. You will.

Yeah, no, we never... We never done it with the hoods on. You will.

Hey, my grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, die hard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Because he's just sitting there like, the ref is on their team.

That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like, you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like, I'm watching a nice family-friendly show, and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. You hear the black family go, good answer, good answer.

I never want to excuse my grandpa for his racism, but he grew up on a farm in the 1940s. If he died of racism today, they would say he died doing what he loved. Thank you.

26.

The bartender? A lot of it's just me going up to Mexican ladies and being like, ingles? And they're like, no. That's a lot of it. But most of it's just me serving and, you know, getting food back and forth, trying not to get fired. Wow, a white guy serving at a Mexican restaurant. It is going up there like, can I get you some chili killis? Would that be all right?

Four months. Four months. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was playing professional rugby.

Well, they paid us for four hours a week because that was practice, but then we were really doing like 10-hour days every day, you know, film study and all that other shit.

I popped out my collarbone one time in a rugby game, and I was walking off field, and another fella come around the weak side and popped it back in. And I couldn't move my arm for like a week. It was pretty sick. Made jerking off really hard.

Yeah, I'm fast. I'm really fast. And that helps a lot.

I did in high school. That was kind of neat.

Yeah. I mean, I was a bass. I didn't really do any of that. I was just like that.

I can do a toe touch.

Yes, sir.

Yeah. My dad's going to hate everything about what just happened. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, so he watches Family Feud all the time. I mean, I've never really seen him be like, oh, you know, he's saying the phrase that I said, but he definitely says things he should not. I'll say that. And he thinks Steve is cheating somehow.

Yes.

Yeah, because the black family actually wins a lot, and that blows his mind every time. Like, he'll sit there, and he'll be like, that's on the board. That's bullshit. That's bullshit and a half. And then he'll be like, the black person will answer. He'll be like, hey, why would anybody think that? And then it's ding, and he goes, this is bullshit.

I mean, I always say that kind of watching it, if I've been gone for a while, I forget how racist he is, but I love my grandpa. So when I go back and watch Family Feud, it almost feels like cracking open a cold one after an AA meeting. I'm like, I can't enjoy this, but God damn, does it hit the spot every single time. Every time.

No, he refuses to watch basketball. He does not consider that an American sport, I don't believe.

Yeah, I don't know about that one. He wasn't happy. He wants me to be an engineer, but I got a little sad. Oh, no. You're doing just fine. Thank you, Tony.

I actually have an answer. The most racist thing my grandpa ever said doesn't even involve the N-word. I was at an American Legion with him, and there was this black man there. And I thought, my grandpa's not racist. He just doesn't like people who don't like the things he likes. If you found a black guy who likes bluegrass, who likes country music, and was an ex-veteran, they'd get along.

And this guy was all of that. And I got in the car with him. I was like, what did you think of that guy, grandpa? Did you like that guy? because they were having fun. And he goes, that guy, he's fine around those good white folks, but when you put him around his own kind, the jungle just comes out in him, you know?

Yep. Wow. That is incredible. I pulled my hamstring on that one.

I mean, I play a lot of Sudokus and... I play chess, and I mean, as far as fun, I like to golf. I golf a lot. Okay.

I do. I have a lady. She's a gal, and I like that. Yeah. Big fan of her being a gal. Yep. Yeah, she's a good lady. She's Catholic, and that causes some friction between us.

Well, I'm a Protestant, and her mother hates me for that, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dean Madness is happy right now.

For sure.

Well, she's getting her master's in college right now. And, uh, Brosephiosh. What is she getting her master's in? Uh, she wants to be a dietician. Ooh, is she a bigger girl? No, but she does do CrossFit. And, uh, she's probably stronger than me right now. That makes me upset.

Why she wants to work with big girls? She says she wants to help people. There's so many other ways you could do that. She just likes food and she likes to help people. She might be fat. I don't know. Fuck. No, she's a nice lady.

A year.

Oh, shoot. Black people. It's unbelievable.

Man, what scares me? I really don't like crowded spaces. I really hate crowded spaces because I'm a small guy and I get smushed into places. That's just a real fear. I am also afraid of heights, too. I think I have a lot of fears, to be honest.

Yeah, I'm afraid of heights. When's the last time you were somewhere high? We went to Colorado one time.

Not the whole time, you know, but like when you get standing on like a ledge, you're leaning down, you feel like you're going to fall. I don't like that at all.

Not the best answer, I know. Have you ever been arrested? Never been arrested, but I should have been several times.

Well, when I was in high school, me and my buddies would drive around drinking Jack Daniels bottles, and then we would just chuck them out the window. And sometimes we'd put like a little $20 bill in them and stuff like that.

Set them out like fishing lures, you know? Damn, interesting.

All right.

So here's the thing with Grandma. Okay. Grandma pretends to not be racist.

We'll be watching Family Feud, and Grandpa's going off, and she's like, now Dale. Dale, you can't be saying that around the grandkids, you know? And then she'll lean over to me, because I'm one of her older grandchildren, and go, you know, they're just not as smart as us, you know?

And I'm like, Grandma, she's a nice lady, but she's got some demons in her, you know?

I was like, I like bluegrass. I do like bluegrass, Grandpa. Wow. Big fan of bluegrass. He's... Dude, my dad's gonna be so pissed about this. My dad is gonna be so pissed.

Yeah, no, we never... We never done it with the hoods on. You will.