Nedra Glover Tawwab
Appearances
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
That's good. That's a really good one. I would say that is not a boundary as much as that is something to do with attachment. I think we can't over analyze things as boundary issues. And I think we do that sometimes when we're trying to justify our behavior. My my boundary is you have to give me your phone.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I would say you're trying to control someone else's behaviors, their life, their interactions. And that's very different than managing yourself with your boundaries. I think in that situation, the boundary would be, I will not look through your phone or, you know, something else. I don't think it would be you have to show me your phone to make me feel safe in this relationship.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Well, I think about how do we accept differences? How do we acknowledge them? And how do we live with them? I think if you are in a home with another person, hopefully it is a home that has multiple rooms. And perhaps you can go to a room and turn the lights out. And this other person, they can go in this room and have the lights as bright as they want to have them.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We may not be able to exist in the same space. And maybe sometimes I come over to your well-lit room, and sometimes you come over to my dark room. And at nighttime, when we agree that it can be dark after 10 o'clock, we collectively cuddle up together. That's in a perfect world. Now, I think the challenge is...
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
in relationships, when we are living with people, roommates, marriages, just partnered situations, what's really tough is different living styles, right? Like I am a quiet person. So loud TVs and... I see that look, you know, loud TVs and music. I am often caught sitting in my closet because I can't even hear it if I sit in my closet. So I have a whole meditation pillow.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I just hang out in there because I think you should be able to listen to the loud TVs. And you should be able to listen to the music. I'm going to go to my little secret spot and just zone out for a minute. Now, there are times where I will say, you know, to my kids on the weekends, especially before 9 a.m., you have to wear headphones if you're listening to something.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I don't want to hear anything before 9. After 9 o'clock, it's, I don't know, whatever this thing is, and it's super loud. It's like, is anyone watching this?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
That's right. I would say the real work is paying attention when you are having uncomfortable feelings and that will reveal what the needs are. When I am feeling anxious, what is the thing? Is it that I have to interact with a person who doesn't allow me to speak about myself ever? So my need is to talk more about myself in this relationship. Right.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
So when we have the discomfort of anxiety, depression, resentment, being confused, those are all times to really think about why. Why am I feeling this? And the need will come up. We have grown to... try to fix ourselves to accommodate others, right? So we have a problem. I can't have any need. Why do I have the TV so loud instead of, I really like the TV loud.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
It's like, should I accommodate this? Some things in relationships should be accommodated, but there are other things that We don't have to compromise on. And I think there are things about me that probably annoy other people. And it's like, hey, I'm going to do it all by myself because I realize this is not your thing.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And I don't want you to feel like you have to do these things with me because they're important to me, because I want you to have fun. I want you to experience joy. It's like me trying to watch sports. I'm not a big sports person. I'm the worst person to watch sports with because I'm telling you about this person's story. Oh, I saw this guy.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
He was the guy whose mom, you know, it's like nothing to do with sports. So you don't want to watch sports with me. You want to figure out a way to watch sports with the people you enjoy. It's not going to be me.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Oh, I will pick a team based on someone's story. Yes. I'm like, that is the guy whose parents were in a car accident. I want that team to win. What is that team? That's who I want to win.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We are talked out of them. I think we have boundaries when we are little people and we know exactly what we want, but it is not what the adults want for us. The teacher doesn't want you to get up and jiggle your butt. The teacher doesn't want you to just walk into the pencil sharpener and doing all these things. Your parents want you to be around a particular set of people.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Your parents want you to show up in a certain way. They will force you. to wear a dress. They will force you to love dance, you know, all of these things. And so we start to force ourselves to do things we don't like. We start to force ourselves with discomfort because we don't want to upset other people. So we have been taught to please others.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We have been taught to go with whatever someone else is saying should be for us. What I know this about women is, When we get ready to go out, someone sends a text and says, what are you wearing?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Right? That's right. Because we all want to dress alike, right? It's like, oh, if you're wearing pants, then I'm going to put on some pants. So you're wearing jeans? I'm going to put on some jeans too. We don't want to stick out in any way so we conform. We don't want to upset, ruffle feathers, be the unique person in the crowd.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We want there to be this melting pot and we want to present as, oh, I love everything. I get along with everyone. That is really hard because we're all unique and it's not true. And we're constantly fighting against that. I have said to people who say things like, I'm always late. OK, you know, how do you embrace that about yourself?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
How do you build a life and start to let people maybe know that, you know, when I say five o'clock, I really mean 515, you know, instead of feeling bad, trying to force yourself like all of these things. I'm a I'm a morning person. I am shocked at the amount of people who will try to force themselves into being a morning person. Stay up late if you want to. That's what works for you.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
That is your creative time. For me, I can't really do anything but watch TV past 8 o'clock.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I can't create anything. That doesn't work for me. But how do you embrace who you are? Because we live in a world where there's constantly... This idea of you need to be this or you need to be that. Why aren't you doing more baking? Why aren't you doing more traveling? And it's okay to not like the travel. That's right. It's okay to love a bagged salad over cooking an elaborate meal. Mm-hmm.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
This is the really tough part because we do know what to say in many cases. We do know how to kind of figure out what we need. I do think the challenge is controlling how the other person responds. And we are trying to figure out the nicest way to say no. The nicest way to say no. I actually don't want to come home for Thanksgiving. The nicest way to say all of these really hard things.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And I don't think it's our job to manage how people feel about our boundaries. That is really hard to get to a space where you stop the management because it's so much work just to create the boundary, just to speak it. And we can't figure out how a person will respond or what they will do. And unfortunately, there are people who get really upset with your boundaries.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
They may give you the silent treatment. They may even end the relationship. But I would say in most cases, people want to be in relationships with you. They might be upset for a little bit. It hurt their feelings. But they will move on with that boundary. And so the idea that we can protect people from that, it's really not possible in all cases. I think...
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
What we can do is be better at letting people have boundaries with us. That is the work that I try to do when, you know, my friends set boundaries with me. I try not to question it. I try to honor the boundary. I will even try to get other people to do it. At the top of COVID, I was on a girl's trip and I had a friend say, no one bring up COVID. And I said, hey, you're about to start.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
She said, do not bring up COVID, right? So I think it's one of those things that we have a lot of power right now to honor other people's boundaries. And that lets them know it's OK to set boundaries with Nedra. She actually listens to your boundaries. Now, Nedra can set boundaries with me. There is this two-way street of you have a boundary, I have a boundary. Other people have boundaries.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I can think of so many boundaries people have set with me. I have not ended the relationship because they ask me, hey, can you give me a quick call before you stop by? Hey, actually, I don't want to go anymore. I haven't, oh, this person is not my friend anymore because they no longer wanted to go to lunch anymore. I just said, okay. You know, I had an outfit picked out.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
It hurt my feelings a bit, but I moved on.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Those are the boundaries where, and I mentioned one earlier, I will leave work at 5 o'clock. I've had enough to drink. I need to not answer my phone when I am not in the spirit or available to speak to this person. I need to go to bed at 10 o'clock so I can get up early in the morning refreshed. It's all of those things that have to do with what we can control about our behavior.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
There are so often times where we put things on other people. Like this person is always calling me. They can call your phone all day. You have the ability to not answer. You can block them. You can tell them you don't like it. You have a lot of power in this situation. You may not be able to stop them from calling, but I know I have a cell phone.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
There is a way that you won't even see when they call.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I would say one of my favorite boundaries is using the do not disturb on my phone. I constantly think about the 90s and how when you left home, that was it. It was like, where are they? Yes, the good old days. Yes. We're so reachable. When my phone rings, sometimes I get so annoyed. You would think that someone is like poking me when my phone rings.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And I have found that the best thing for me to do is to just not have the sound. And when I want to return the call, I return the call. If I want to answer, I answer it. I'm trying to remember, turn your phone on when your husband leaves the house. Because he's like, you're unreachable. And you're like, correct. Correct. That is the point. So I'm trying to remember that.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Okay, turn your ringer on sometimes. But I really like... Using the phone when I want to use the phone. I think that's a wonderful boundary for me.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Hmm. That is a tough one because I think particularly in adult relationships, they come with a lot of conditions. I mean, even our dating phase is set up for conditions like, you know, do you like to travel? Where would you like to live? Oh, I don't like your parents. You know, like all of these things are conditions. So can we really say like, I love this person unconditionally?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
No, you love them if they like to travel, right? Yeah. And when they don't want to travel anymore, that is a new condition. I don't know. Maybe when I'm 100, I can really answer this question because my kids are not old enough yet. I'm 90% sure I love them unconditionally. I can't imagine a thing that they could do where I would be like, oh, that's it.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
So can we really be unconditional if, you know, a person has to meet certain criteria? Yeah. So good.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I think that we need to try to leave relationships in the most drama-free way possible. We don't want to leave them and let people know everything that we think about them because it's not helpful and it's completely biased. This relationship has changed for you, but clearly this person is in other relationships where who they are is working, right?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Do they need to know, you know, I no longer want to be friends with you because X, Y, and Z. I don't think people always need to know that. I think there are tons of ways to leave relationships. We've been leaving relationships since the beginning of time. I don't have any friends from elementary school. Middle school. Yeah. You know, how did we leave those relationships?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
They just sort of fizzle out. They just decrease over time. There wasn't a conversation where I said to my eighth grade best friend, hey, we're not going to be best friends anymore because we're going to different schools. It just sort of happens that way. So how do we allow things to fizzle out without feeling like we have to keep this constant connection with people?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
That's how most friendships end. And I think that's a beautiful ending because here's the thing, we change and we might want to go back to this relationship. But if we told people you're a horrible person, I never really liked your spaghetti, your boyfriend sucks, all of these terrible things, I don't think you're leaving the door open there.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And sometimes we can step away and we may need to get back in there at some point. With our friendships, we are so vulnerable. We give so much. If something happens to their parents or your parents, can you imagine? not being able to support a person because you've shared all of these terrible things about them. You know, maybe we need to leave with our integrity intact and also their confidence.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We don't have to say all of these terrible things to end a relationship. We can just slowly walk away, you know, cut back a little bit on communication and still, you know, hey, happy birthday if that's what you want to do. But there doesn't need to be this formal breakup of friendships all the time. Sometimes you do need a formal breakup, but I would say in most cases you do not.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Hmm. I think that's a beautiful thing to say. All of the stuff you just said, I realize that you do a lot for me. I greatly appreciate it. However, when you help, it seems like it comes with some sort of strings attached. I have to be hyper thankful. I can't have an issue with anything else.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And that's very hurtful because I do appreciate it, but I also want to be able to have boundaries in this relationship.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yeah, I think about this sometimes, especially with folks who are parenting adult children and they are saying, oh my gosh, they need so much. And I wonder how comfortable are you making it for this person to be in a space you don't want them to be in? How comfortable are you being a child with your parents to the point that they don't even consider you an adult?
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How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
You know, sometimes with adult parents, when you're ready to be treated like an adult, you have to engage in full adulthood and you really have to detach so they don't have anything to hang over your head. It's wonderful when you have parents who help you and they don't mention it. But in many cases, people do feel like if I'm helping you, you know, there are some contractual agreements.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I have some say so. You may, you know, need to do these things. And I can say to you, remember that time I helped you. Things do happen as a result of receiving help from your parents.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Or even, you know, I'll cook a few days or instead of having a housekeeper, hey, I will clean the house on Saturdays. Perhaps giving a little bit will help them see you as like this autonomous person or even as someone who lives in the home and not just like their kid that they're taking care of.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I hear a lot of self boundaries here. I hear a lot of, I'm going to the movies. Exactly. I am going to grab something to eat and not necessarily inviting your boyfriend to be a part of those things. And when he attaches himself to those experiences, being clear that you are trying to carve out some alone time.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And offering, hey, you know, I'm going to the movies today by myself, but maybe on Saturday we can do this thing. So it's not just I'm spending all of the time by myself. We can do some things together and I want to do things separately in the beginning of relationships. oh gosh, I'm so excited that the honeymoon phase does not last because it's impossible.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
The amount of energy you have in the beginning of relationships, it's like, oh, I didn't sleep. I was talking on, it's just, you know, you want to be with this person all the time. And at some point there's this click of, Oh, I have friends. Oh my gosh. Remember I used to be on the soccer team. It's like, where, where was I? You are falling, you know?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And once you get to that space of recognizing like, okay, whoa, back to self, back to self, you know, there is this slowly moving back to that and acknowledge it. We have just been spending so much time together and that I actually forgot that I really like to bowl. I want to go bowling just by myself. It's my thing. I want to get back to that.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Just letting that new partner know that, wow, this has been amazing. Let's keep it up. And also, I need some time to myself. So good.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yeah, enmeshment is giving up of self. So if you are enmeshed and you are doing things that you don't actually enjoy, it's not really fulfilling. you're doing it for this other person. And to some extent, there are some things that you will do in a relationship for the other person, but what are you doing for yourself?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
What things do you enjoy by yourself, maybe with friends outside of the relationship, with family members? We do think that, oh my gosh, I want to be around this person all the time. This is love. But there are tons of people I think about, you know, many grandparents who stay married sleeping in separate rooms.
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How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
You know, it's like this is the only way we can be together because I can't take that snoring or, you know, whatever that is. It's like we're still together because we're not sleeping in the same room. You know, we always thought like, oh, this is terrible. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's not terrible. Not looking so terrible now, folks. Yeah. It's like maybe we have different sleep habits.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Isn't it a healthy thing to be able to sleep at night? So if that means that, hey, I can still be in this relationship, but I just need to go down the hall at nighttime. Hey, what is the problem there? We curate the rules for our relationships. And sometimes we are looking at other couples. We're looking at our parents and people on TV.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yeah, and we're saying, this is what a relationship is supposed to be like. It's like, that's what that relationship is supposed to be like. You have to figure out what works for you. For you, Abby, you've discovered you like watching movies really loud by yourself. That's your thing. You know, you want to do that with someone who enjoys it. And guess who it is? It's you.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I get to do it with me. Yeah. Can you imagine doing that with Glennon and she's complaining? You get to have it on full blast and hear all of the sound effects on your action movies.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Well, time is a huge boundary area. And it's one of the big things that we can control. And you do get to decide how you want to spend your time. At nighttime, you may not want to go watch TV. I think what has happened here is... Her husband is under the impression that he controls the time that they spend together. So there has to be some shifting in the relationship of boundaries.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
There has to be some communication. All of those things she just said, my kids are out of the house. I am a grownup. When I am ready to go to bed, I will go to bed. At that time, I will go read a book. Whatever I want to do is what I will be doing. So I think that needs to be made clear. We know that, but does he know that? It sounds like it was a shock and a surprise.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
It sounds like it was a shift from the normal routine. So there needs to be this consistency in you doing what you want to do with your time, particularly if the kids are out of the house and things have gone a certain way until this point.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Name it. You know, saying to someone, you are being passive aggressive. This morning, you didn't talk to me for an hour. And then when you said something, it was rather mean. I take my language back to kindergarten. It's very simple. That was mean. I don't like that. That hurt my feelings. I use those statements a lot. I want people to know I didn't like that.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And so you have to be able to communicate that in a very simple way and let him know that this behavior is not okay. When you're upset with me, I would prefer it if you had a conversation around what's bothering you. And let's think about some compassion here and a little bit of empathy. Your husband is also... in a space where the kids are outside of the house.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I don't know the level of involvement there, but that can be a difficult transition sometimes. And so perhaps he is looking forward to spending time with you. I'm sensing a bit of disappointment. I missed you, you know, is what I'm hearing. And I feel hurt that you didn't want to be with me in that time.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
So how do you all have a conversation about what you're really feeling and get all of this tough guy stuff out of there? Like all of this tough stuff that we do instead of really saying like that hurt me. I'm afraid, I'm disappointing. There's a lot of changes happening and you are the only consistent thing because that's what I'm hearing from that scenario.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I think of a few starter phrases like I need, or I want, or I expect, or no. And just simple sentences. I think sometimes we really complicate it because not only are we stating the boundary, we're trying to get the other person to agree with it.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
And so we'll say, you know, a whole bunch of stuff. I need you to sit with me because the other day I sat with you and this is really important to me because every time I sit down, I think about you. And it's like, what are you saying? So if we can keep it simple and if there's a conversation to be had, perhaps going to that conversation, but lots of boundaries are just statements.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
You know, when I think of, I need you to watch the kids while I'm cooking dinner, that's just a statement. There's no conversation to be had. That's a sentence. When you're upset with me, I'd like you to talk about that instead of treating me as if you're upset. That's a sentence, right? So I think sometimes we're trying to think of these talking points. It is not necessarily required.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
You talked about arguing on the beach for 30 minutes. And one of the things that I try to teach couples is argue, but don't do it for a long period of time. Because if you're doing it for 30 minutes, an hour, you're just repeating yourself. That's right. You're not really saying anything new. Nothing is being discovered. I know that. That's for damn sure. Awakening after four hours.
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How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Thank God we got to that 43rd minute where we really got to the crux of it. Yeah. It's really like my point, my point, my point, my point again, my point, point, point. You know, you're just going and it's like, are you going to say something different? Do you have a new example? Yes. It's really not new stuff. You're really just trying to get this person like agree with me. This was good.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I said it differently. And it's like... You're saying the same thing. This really could have been five minutes. It's so good. So true. What are we spending time on here?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yes. It's so funny because people say, I am needy. I'm like, me too. What do you need? Yeah. We're all needy. We all need stuff. Some of us are more open to expressing those needs. And that's how you get that label of being needy. But I have a lot of needs. Sometimes, you know, we'll diminish our needs because we don't want to present as needy. But I think 100% of humans are needy.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
We have all sorts of preferences. Now, whether we communicate those or not... But we have preferences in there and it's just a part of being human to have these needs. So how do we get better at expressing them? I remember when I stopped eating pork and I would be so afraid to tell people I didn't, I'm in the South, right? So I would be so, they put pork in everything. Oh my gosh, I just-
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
every single thing i'm from detroit so when i moved here i was like oh wow i really have to ask is there pork in that cornbread is it pork in that lemonade you know everything is like pork infused bacon bacon yeah um So how do you start to express to people, like, is there an option where I don't get pork in this meal? Can this be prepared that way? So many times I used to just pick it off.
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How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Like, I don't want to inconvenience them. I'll just eat around it. But once people start to say, yeah, yeah, they'll just take it off. It's like, oh, wait, you'll listen to me?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Hi, that was such a warm welcome. I think I want to record it and just take it and use it for everything that I do now.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Thank you for joining us. You're welcome. It's funny when you mention you're related to someone, you immediately look for it. Like, yeah, you have the same nose.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yeah. So as a practicing therapist, this started to show up first as work-life balance issues. So many of my clients come in with being parents, being partners, managing a social life. We don't know how to say no. We don't know how to leave work on time or work. really go on vacation. I am amazed at the amount of people who do not take vacation days. It's almost like homework.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Use your vacation before December. Don't even wait till December. Use your vacation. It is so normal for us to not think about ourselves and to allow the burnout to come in with work that we're just like, this is normal. Burnout is normal. Teach me how to manage it. It's teach me boundaries so you don't experience the burnout. I think another big area where I noticed
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
boundary issues is relationships. When we're mad at our partners, we're upset about how we parent. We're upset at the requests coming in from friends or how our parents are hovering. All of these things, it's difficult conversations that we need to have. And those conversations are really around boundaries. This is happening. This is what I need to feel better.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
I think with burnout, what we see a lot of is people wanting to leave their jobs. They're wanting to go on leave from work. They're wanting to switch positions because it is the boss. It could not be them, right? causing some of these issues. So they're looking for a fresh start. I would say the predominant feeling that I'm seeing is anxiety.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
It is anxiety around how to speak up, when to speak up, curating the perfect sentences to say to other people. And another thing that we see is Depression, you know, you feel disempowered to really own and control some of these situations. It's like I can't do anything about it. So I will suffer with these things. I can't do anything about how my parents treat me or my partner.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
you know, doing this or not doing that. So I feel defeated.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
So I define boundaries as needs that need to be expressed verbally or through your behavior. It can be you saying to a person, I need help with, no, I would like more of, please don't do blank. Or it could be you stepping back in a relationship when you've stated a boundary. It could be you leaving work at the time that you've designated as your cutoff time. It's funny.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
This is how I know my clients follow me on social media because they start using the word boundaries. I don't use the word boundaries a lot. I call it so many other things. What are your expectations for this situation? I wonder what you're needing here. I wonder what's causing you to be upset. I recognize it as a boundary issue, but I don't like to scare people off by over-boundary the situation.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Like you have a boundary issue. It's more like, you're having an issue. What do you need to communicate?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Sure. Like what if someone said, you know, hey, after six o'clock, we don't turn on lights in our house. Please don't turn the light on. I mean, it might not make sense to you, but it's it's their thing. If you're in their house, can you respect it?
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How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
Yes, I am the newborn. Oh, my gosh. First kid instructions for babysitters. I apologize. But they were so long and thoughtful. I looked at Pinterest for ideas. It was like a book. It was my first book, I think. It was very detailed and it probably came across as weird, especially if you're giving it to your parent who's watching your child. I used to do that.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Say No: Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab (Best Of)
It's like, okay, I know you don't know how to burp a baby mom, but these are the steps we go through.