Mike Eaton
Appearances
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hello. My favorite human trafficker, favorite, is probably Harriet Tubman. Right? I mean, everyone else did it for money. She did it for the love of the game. She's just like, moving people, that's a bad bitch. She ran the Underground Railroad for 12 years, and I used to ask people if they knew how many people she saved. And I had to stop because a guy in Kansas said, too many. Fuck.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
A girl in San Francisco raised her hand to answer, and she had armpit hair, so I was like, gross, put it down. And then she said 120,000. I was like, you might be worse than the racist guy, because you're retarded, right? The actual answer is 70, which is good. Just feels a bit low. I thought she was a hero. It's not a railroad. That's a bus stop.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Most of you are still convinced that is the bitch from the bus. It's a different one.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Man, I was just sitting in the crowd watching, and last night Jimmy and I roast battled, and I was very mean to him, and then I heard this terrible story. I was like, oh, no. I was so mean to the sweet boy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, man, so you changed my life the last time I was on the show. Okay, how did I do that? I came on and I talked about ice cream. Uh-huh. And my... Yeah, on par. And then the ice cream place gave me an ice cream sponsorship. You have an ice cream sponsorship?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But you did also say to me last time we talked about I have sleep apnea. I don't have health insurance. And then one of your fans sent me a CPAP machine.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's been quite a bit, yeah. Oh, my God. It's been a couple years worth of ice cream.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
They found out about it, and then they made a flavor and named it after me. Oh, my God. What's that?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Whoa. Street Ozempic. Yeah, so I don't have health insurance, and so I can't go get Ozempic, and I wanted to keep eating ice cream. Also, I was going to die from fat. Yeah. And the guy that I buy my cocaine from was like, dude, I can get you Ozempic from the dark web. I was like, do it. Yeah. So I got a vial of it. And then, yeah, because it was like a little glass jar. Okay.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And then I bought the needles from Amazon, which feels dangerous that you could do that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Next day, delivery needles. And then I had like an Indian guy on YouTube explain how to use them.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So for like eight weeks, I've just been stabbing myself in the fat. It doesn't appear to be working at all. No. So I know I look like shit still, but I'm down 50 pounds, right? You are? Yeah. Are you still eating the ice cream? Not very often. Right. I don't have any hunger anymore. I'm in like a post-food world.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah. If you thought the burps were bad, imagine the goo. God, that is fucking unbelievable. Also, she's not my girlfriend. Don't say that unless you'll hear this.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, poor lady. She did throw up. It was pretty upsetting. She threw up?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And so she did that. You're in the driver's seat of a car? Yeah, and she just leaned over. And then I, you know, and then...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So she does that, and then I assumed she was going to swallow it because she's like a champion or whatever. And then she goes, and then... Out the passenger side, just and I started laughing pretty hard.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Right. This was her first date. Not her first... You know, dates. The parking lot's getting your dick sucked. Bought her some P. Terry. No.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, it's a problem. No, it was the first time she'd sucked my dick. Wow. How did you convince her to suck your dick?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
No, I had showered previous. I knew it was coming. So I was like, you know, you prepared. Okay. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I know that all that, what I said was gross, but I'm pretty hygienic, you know, shower and stuff.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But I also, like, I didn't know. My load hadn't been in anyone's mouth in a while.