Mick Foley

Hey, Zeb, you got a problem with immigrants. Now you've got a problem with me.

You done poked a bear, son. Oh, dear. Zeb, if you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs, why don't you get your ass out of the ring and pick vegetables 14 hours a day for 50 cents an hour? Exactly.

Excellent point. Immigrants do our toughest, dirtiest jobs. Do you have what it takes, the gall, the stones, to step into a basic cable talk show's host chair? If your boss goes away for the summer, I don't think you do!

I don't think you got it. But this never been done! Yes!

I'll do it! Even though Jon Stewart is a TV icon whose hard-won legacy Oliver is pissing away. Whoa. For an audience watching out of nothing but habit. No, no, no. Learning for the real John's return in September. Let's get back on point, Mick. Let's get back on point. Let's go. Yeah. So the next guy who tries to talk smack about immigrants is going to have us to deal with. Exactly.

You tell me to speak English.

While immigrants are taking the path to citizenship, you'll be crawling down the path to the emergency room.

You want to know why the yen is down, Yamamoto? Because you panty wastes can't handle a gold-backed currency. Never could. The Nikkei is for old ladies and bedwetters. Oh, oh, nunchucks, right? Steven, is that, did I just hear the closing bell? No, John. It's the opening sounds of whoop-ass season. Come on! You! You! You will taste the sweet dish of my wrath! Thank you very much.

So... you come here next week yeah you come here next week and we will take these chairs these cold steel chairs and we will unfold them unfold them yes we will and we will sit down and we will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you Because immigrants built this country and helped weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dream.

So if you think you can bully the dreamers, we'll make your life a nightmare. We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the net economic benefit of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired, the poor, the huddled masses searching.

Searching. for a better life.

I'm producing a documentary on Santa Claus. That actually sounds interesting.

We'll be right back.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

America, today is your lucky day. The evil majorities think they can shut me up, that I'll give up. But today, one man can make a difference. I'm going to step in that ring all alone and they can come at me with chairs, with bats, with chairs made of bats. But none of that matters as long as I have my one special move, the filibuster.

Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster!

You little pissant pencil-neck geeks think a filibuster can stop the will of the people? Well, I got two words for you. Reconcile this! It's time for one man, one vote, one beatdown! You arrogant windbags think you can obstruct progress? Well, you might love the sound of your own little voice, but the only thing you're going to hear tonight is my fist down your throat! Whoa! Whoa! Yeah!

Yeah, John, did you hear that? Did you hear his fist?

You just used the F word on me.

Hey, take a look, Stuart. What? This used to be my ear. No. Who's whipped off the side of my head? I want to tap out. You still want to talk? I want to tap out. You want to talk, man? I want to tap out. Tap out. Okay, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. You want a piece of me. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. We'll be right back. Get him, folks.

You want more, geek? I will kick your short-term bonds so far up your withholdings, you're gonna be picking Fannie Mae's out of your ass for a week!

I should have done this a long time ago. You guys are like a blast.

You're on the wrong side of history.