Maz Jobrani
Appearances
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
What are they talking about? Johnson's wife was confused at first. Was he trying to romance her or convert her? Not sure how to react, she asked herself, what would Jesus do? So she took her glass of water and turned it into wine and sat back to enjoy the rest of the performance.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I got a quick question, too. I never had a chance to talk to a Hall of Fame hitter. You guys, it's about, what, less than a second to decide to hit the ball? So what, like, can you talk us through the mechanics of when you decide to swing and don't? Like, how does that work?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
LAUGHTER See question, answer question. Exactly. Number three. Number three.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I'll throw it open. Does anybody know? She pretended to kill, like die. Right. And the fake detective comes in and goes, she's been poisoned. Right. And then she gets him to go, no, I wasn't.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Listen, I'm Iranian, and I don't think, like, if I did that, my parents would kill me.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Yeah, I mean, what mystery? What, you're acting? This is, you're not, you didn't die? Die! Now you're in. Die!
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
No, they're trying to be more mindful. People go for walks all the time. Why don't they just say we're going for a walk and being mindful? Like, why do they got to give it a land snorkel? I mean, if they had the snorkel in their mouth, that's one thing.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
So usually they get upset when you stand. They go, sit. So now they're going to be like, stand. Don't sit.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Stand. And then they police your angle. Sir, that's 90 degrees. No, 45. 45, sir.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Yeah. Try some molly and you'll just be touching Mount Everest.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Is there any other time in life besides Mount Everest that you would need xenon gas?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
The bald guys did it. For every bald guy out there. For the bald. For the balds.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
You know the saying, you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose? Well, Clemson's going to say we had it all wrong, so start picking your friend's nose. Adam Felber.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I wonder if you stood on one foot if they'd give you a discount.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I mean, if you really want to be told you're ugly, you just post that question on Instagram. That's true. They'll tell you. You don't even have to ask. Real people will tell you.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Chips are like a one bite thing. Do you guys take multiple bites of your chips? Well, yeah. Really? Sure. Just finish it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
You know, I... I mean, the Trump administration is cutting money from cancer research, but they're funding chip... Oh, no, RFK Jr.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I wonder, Clemson should ask ChatGPT if this is a good study. And see what ChatGPT says. You need to lose weight. Lay off the dip anyway.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
But also this generation now, they just do everything on their phone. Like they don't even go grocery shopping. It's Instacart. Everything's on there. So to your point, like they haven't had to do anything. Just they press a button and someone does it for them.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I've taught my kids to do laundry, and I have them fold, I have them do everything, and I always say to them, I go, guys, it's not that I can't do it. I want you to learn how to do it. But the truth is, I really don't want to do it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
It's very good for you. Guys, I could vacuum, but I want you to learn how to vacuum.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Thaddeus Johnson from Melbourne, Australia, decided to surprise his wife for her birthday by hiring a Bee Gees cover band to serenade her with her favorite songs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
But once the band started singing, Johnson quickly realized that the spelling of the band's name, B-E-J-E-E-Z, Bee Gees, meant they were a Christian Bee Gees cover band who changed the lyrics of Bee Gees songs to make them more, quote, Jesus-y. Johnson said, I knew something was off when they started singing, oh, oh, oh, oh, he's alive, he's alive. I'm like, who's alive?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
How is it different from a Bloody Mary?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Was I supposed to know the answer to that?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Bernice King? Martin Luther King? Malcolm X? I was Malcolm X, yes.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Yeah, and everyone in my family knows I do not cook. So they say, you bring the alcohol, baby.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Joanne Nicole Johnson. The Eternal Sunshine Mattress. Wake up refreshed, not knowing what happened the day before. And Tom Papa.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
So, Timothy famously grew up in the Health Kitchen building in New York. Right. So, I was there last year for a dinner, and I'm coming out, and my friend was like, Timothy Chalamet grew up in this building. And I was like, isn't it Timotay? And I get out the elevator, and I'm like shouting, Timotay, Timotay. And then he walked past me. What?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
And he, like, pulled down his hat because just some crazy woman is shouting his name in the lobby. Wait a minute.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Most couples bond over things they adore, but Amir Rahman and Melody Merchant bonded over unadulterated hate. It was their second date that one of Forbes Pakistan's richest couples discovered they hated other people's mouths. He asked me out to a restaurant, and I confessed my disgust.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Thinking the relationship would be over then and there, Merchant was amazed to find that her new beau shared the same idiosyncrasy. Anything mouth-based is off the table, which is a lot more stuff than you think. So they do what any other rich couple would do. They throw money at the problem. They've hired a bodyguard whose sole job it is to get all mouths away from them.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller
Whenever they go out, all mouths must stay closed. While they both know this behavior is ridiculous, when asked if they would ever seek therapy, Merchant bluntly stated, why? I have money, my man, and a bodyguard. When you have those things, you do what you want.