Mary Wiltenburg
Appearances
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Ige calls me on the phone almost every day. Sometimes he leaves messages.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
In between the messages, we have long chats. I tape most of our conversations because I'm writing these articles about him and his family. And the conversations always seem to start with one of two questions. When can I come to your house? Or when are you coming to my house? Hello? Mary, you're almost here. Oh, I'm there. I'm going to be there soon.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
I'm in the car right now driving to you and there's a little bit of traffic. You're driving now? I'm driving right now. You're coming to take us, don't you? I am, yes. So, you know I'm crazy about this kid. He's sweet, nosy, funny. He's been to my house a bunch since I started doing these stories.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
But the first time he came over, six months ago, he announced to me and my husband and his brother, Bill Clinton, that from now on, the first grader, formerly known as Ige, would be going by his middle name, John. I'd already known something was up, because that afternoon, my husband took Ige to the park.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Ige was up on the jungle gym when a girl about the same age called over from the swing set and asked his name, and he got all weird and wouldn't answer her. She thought he hadn't heard her, so she hopped off the swing, came over to the jungle gym, and asked him again, what's your name? Ige got this kind of cornered look and said, I don't know my name.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
But by later that night, he seemed to have made a decision. He was now John. In our living room, he struggled to type his new name into a video game. J, O, wait, was it J or G? Then Bill offered to help, and Ige said, I know how to spell my own name. Ige picked up English first and best of anyone in his family.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
But his teachers say Ige's more confused about where he's from and who he is than other seven-year-olds they've seen. And the charter school Ige and Bill attend is about half refugees, so you'd think they'd see a lot of this. Teachers say no. Little kids usually realize pretty fast that most people who ask, where are you from, they don't want the whole story.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
And it doesn't really matter if you say you're from Burma, where your parents were from, or Thailand, where you lived in a camp. In first grade, you just pick one and get on with your day. But for Ike, where are you from has never felt that simple. All winter, he seemed to be revising his story. First, he denied the camp he'd lived in his whole life, hated the word refugee.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Then he started saying he wasn't from Congo, his nationality, or Tanzania, where he was born. or Africa at all. He'd say, I'm from here, or America. Watching TV, he'd point to rich white kids and say, that's me. At home, he threw tantrums. At school, he sometimes seemed almost catatonic. He wouldn't answer questions, wouldn't meet people's eyes. His parents, his teachers, everyone felt helpless.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
They didn't know what set him off or how to reach him. And he seemed to regress. If he were sitting on the couch, he'd snuggle up or take my hand. The slightest things made him cry. He seemed lost. One night on the phone, I reminded him where he was born, in Tanzania. I'm from Tanzania, he said. I'm from Tanzania? Uh-huh.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Well, that's where you were born. Well, you were born in Tanzania, and your dad came from Congo, and your mom came from Rwanda. So your family has a lot of places where you're from.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Bye. Ige's parents didn't mind calling him John. They were just kind of puzzled. The idea that you could hate your name seemed like one more baffling thing about America. They just had no idea what Ige was going through, and it made Ige feel more distant from them. A while back, I was riding with Ige and his parents in their car when he said to me, I don't want to live with my mom.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
I thought it was a setup for one of his jokes, so I said, you don't want to live with your mom? Why? He said, I want to live with you. I said, no, you don't want to live with me. But then Ige got all serious and said, but what if I forget my language? I said, what do you mean? And he said, if I forget my language, I can't live with them because they won't understand me.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Later on the phone, we talked about what it's like for him talking with his mom. When you speak English, does she understand you? No. So maybe you're learning faster, huh? Swahili? Like, what do you forget? And then at some point this spring, Ige just went back to being Ige. A lot of things happened for him at once. His green card arrived. His reading took off.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
It took me a while to notice that John had vanished. His teachers don't remember either exactly when he stopped correcting them, but by the last month of school, he was taking his turn in the semicircle with everyone else. No drama, just, my name is Ige, and I'm from Congo. And suddenly, he was volunteering details about his life in the camp. Games he'd played, his mud-brick house.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Ige seemed to be making peace with his past and his name. And he moved on to other burning seven-year-old questions.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
Um, you know how you play bingo at school? Yeah. It's like a night when a bunch of adults get together, maybe kids too, and they play a game that's like that, only with numbers instead of words. Okay, I'm waiting for you. Oh, okay. I'll see you soon. Okay, bye. Bye-bye. But just when it seemed like Ige had finally accepted his own name, the other shoe dropped.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
The last week of school, Ige asked me, um, what does gay mean? I told him gay can mean happy, or it can mean when a man loves another man. Ige started sobbing. We were in his kitchen, and he just collapsed against the fridge. Finally, he choked out what was wrong, and it turned out that some second graders had been taunting him. Ige, you're gay. And he told them, that's not a word.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
It was just one more strike against that name. But for now, John hasn't reappeared. Ige is sticking with Ige. The other day, when we were riding in the car, I said some offhand thing about needing to call my mom. Ige said, you have a mom? I said, yeah, of course. He could not believe it. How had he not known about this before? This year, it's been hard enough for Ige to put together his own story.
This American Life
535: Origin Story
The idea that I, wait, everybody, comes from somewhere? It kind of blew his mind.