Mary Shalaby

I've had 12 minutes. Come on, Mary. Yeah, you're not gonna be there, whatever. Anyways, we'll sing. My buddy Jackson, who's also buddies with Woodsy.

That's why we call him, we call Jackson J.O. And Woodsy, we call Woodsy Clear? Okay, anyways.

Affirmative. They're both so fucking dumb. But he did the same thing as Lindsay, where he was like, shout out, Portland, Maine. He goes into Katz Delicatessen in New York.

He goes to Katz Delicatessen. Pastrami. Pastrami.

Everyone's obsessed with it. Not a fan. He goes and he's like, Katz Delicatessen, only in New York. Doesn't order anything. And then there's this security guard and he goes, Hey man, hey man, where you from? And he goes... New York, born and raised. He goes, I'm from California. Shout out. And then he just leaves.

Just for his own, just wanted it for himself.

Wait, I just had an awesome thought. The cinnamon, the flavor is going to merge beautifully with my coffee. Now you're getting it.

Ja, ich lebe in Brooklyn.

My mom got them for me for my 19th birthday. Wow. Shut up. I have them for a long time. Shut up, Mom. Shut up, Michelle.

Nein, na gut, jetzt, dass ich hier bin, bin ich so, wow, ich würde gerne hier leben. Das wäre schön. Ja.

It's insane. I see babies in dunks.

My friend Grace is, like, already thrifting clothes. For her child. For her child. Grace isn't having a baby anytime soon. She has a boyfriend, at least. Yeah, his name's Cap. Shout out, Cap.

Warum musst du zuerst eine Frau finden?

Yeah, what the hell?

Okay, ich auch. Ich war ein Altersserver. Foto hier.

Du bist wirklich gut im Impro.

Ist das der Grund, warum du nicht auf Tour gehst?

Das ist nicht wahr.

It is a really big... It is big.

Mach einen Live-Pod, mach einen Live-Pod.

Also ich hoffe, du hättest mich gefragt, wenn ich gesagt hätte, einen Live-Pod zu machen. Okay, das hat dann gut funktioniert. Networking ist so einfach. Ich bin so gut in dieser Sache. Fuck LinkedIn, das war einfach.

I just did it because I was bored. And you know how, like, the priest and, like, the altar service get, like, that big host that they, like, break into pieces. I was like, I want a piece of that shit.

Ich hasste es, wenn sie Peace be with you machen würden.

Meine Kirche hatte einen Laminatenschein mit den Worten dargestellt. Oh ja, du konntest nur lesen.

I had to read from my first communion, but I couldn't remember shit.

Oh, yeah, I did. Because I couldn't remember the word intentions. And I couldn't remember the word... So did you sing that when it was your turn to read? No, I thought it in my head though.

Will's a fucking beast, man.

lebst? In L.A.? Die Autos, die ich selbst fahre? Ich mag sie nicht. Ich hatte eine gestern, weil ich eine wollen wollte.

Ich wollte es nur probieren.

Ich war in einem Jaguar.

I don't know.

Oh, I like that.

At like 20 miles an hour.

I saw this awesome TikTok and it's these guys like really drunk and they're like, us where we have a couple beers and they get in a Waymo. And like the guy's outside of the car and he like bumps into and he's like... Ja, ich glaube, das wäre ein guter Side-Hustle.

Wait, sorry. Who is Connor McDavid?

Okay, so I won't take any more Waymos.

Thank you, Mary. Thank you for educating me. That wasn't your responsibility.

That's why I wanted to go in it. I was like, this is going to be so epic for me.

Form what team?

Thanks for educating me.

Have you guys seen the movie Y2K?

Oh, you haven't. Is it the what?

Yeah. It's all about all the robots banding together and they're like... Is it a good movie? I really liked it. I watched it on the plane.

Okay, shout out Oilers.

I don't use that shit.

I was seeing this guy for a little bit who... He's like really into AI. He's like a tech designer guy. And I was like, okay, weird, but he was like cosplaying as like a Brooklyn liberal or whatever. And then I found out that he voted for Donald Trump and I was like... Okay, sorry, that's just not gonna work for me or whatever. And he goes, no, no, no. I did it because I really like AI.

Now that's a great city. That's a big one.

I did it because of Elon. I like Elon. I voted for Elon. I was like, oh, so you're just... Oh, it's because you like AI. I was like, okay, cool, yeah, yep.

He's like Gru, but actually evil.

Is he evil or not?

He's not trying to do super horrible shit. He's trying to do shit that's like

Or the opposite. So then it is dangerous.

I'm learning so much today.

Ich glaube, dass du mit dem, was Rusty sagt, nicht zufrieden bist.

So, how do you feel about the Oompa Loompas?

Oh my God.

I decided I'm gonna marry a Kennedy. Oh yeah. Jack Schlossberg.

Er macht Ballett und es ist wirklich süß. Er macht Ballett? Er hat das Video von Jack Schlossberg in seinem Ballett-Recital gedreht. Jack, ich weiß nicht, wie man das ausspielen kann. Schlossberg.

Ja, ich habe entschieden, dass ich vor meinen Freunden sterben will, weil ich nicht zu ihren Feiern gehen will, weil das zu traurig ist.

Nein, er tut das. Es gibt andere Leute, und dann sind sie alle da.

Absolutely.

Es gibt drei Leute, die auch mit ihm im Show sind. Und dann machen sie ihre kleinen Sachen.

So cool.

Yeah.

I think we'd have one hell of a time. We'd have a hoot.

Yeah, right there. Oh, now I'm embarrassed.

Yeah, he looks like a pirate.

I don't think so. I have no shame. You were trying to pull a fast one on us. No, because you know I listen to it, but why am I going to follow a podcast account? Sorry.

Okay.

I didn't do teach me something because I was like, I don't know what I could teach.

But I did all the other ones.

I had fun.

Yeah.

No, that's fair.

No, I'm not about the clips. I'm about Liz and that shit in my car.

Yes, I have listened. That's great. In fact, I had a podcast for like two seconds where it was just literally me just yapping to myself for 30 minutes. But my buddy Brendan is like a big fan of you guys. And then Brendan and I were like, I had one guest on the podcast. Sorry, I had two guests on the podcast. It was Brendan both times. We copied you guys. Brendan is literally fucking lit.

Oh, she's a beast.

I love everything about card games.

Katan.

I do have a note on that pitch though. Mr. Wonderful? Ja, genau. Das ist, wo ich komme. Manche Leute haben verschiedene Regeln zu verschiedenen Spielen. Ich war in einer Bar und spielte Uno eine Nacht. Und es war ein großer Grupp von uns. Und manche Leute waren so, oh, du musst weiterdrehen, bis du eine Karte hinzufügen hast. Das ist, wie ich spiele. Das ist, wie ich spiele, auch.

Aber all diese Arschlöcher waren so, oh, nein, du musst nur einen nehmen und dann geht es um. Und es ist so, na gut, das ist, wo es eine

No, it's Kevin.

But we literally just copied you guys and we were like, okay, five things that don't exist. There you go.

Stanley ist wahrscheinlich so... Oh, ja.

Du hast das nicht gesagt. Du hast das nicht gesagt.

Yes, that's right.

Ryan's like, woof!

Okay, you're Kelly. And what's Kelly doing?

Classic Daryl.

That's awesome.

What punk band?

I'm going to be using this now a lot.

Halb so weit. Oh. Okay. Das ist nicht so weit.

Ich dachte, es wäre mehr als das.

Ja.

And then you get drunk and you get fucking wasted at night.

Okay, okay, a company you hire, oh, okay, imagine you're dead, right? But like you're not super popular, but like you got some people in your circle who like you want to impress even though you're dead. Welcome to a company you would hire and they... Yeah, I think it should be like in your will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck.

Na, du hast mir zum ersten Mal gesagt, dass deine Schwester dort lebt.

No, you just do it. Like, you pay ahead. Like, Guy would be like, okay, like, I could do it now. And then they won't come until, like, after I marry Jack Schlossberg and then die.

Bist du Freunde mit Sam? Wie alt ist Sam? 30... 30. 1? 31. 31. Ja, also, ich glaube nicht, dass ich Sam kenne, aber ich könnte.

Yeah, I like that.

Life of a female comedian, am I right?

Ich kenne viele Leute, die 31 sind, und das war ein Schock.

Yes. Rusty, you go first.

Williamsburg. W. Berg. Not in the gorgeous, beautiful part by the water I live in, the part by the Hasidic neighborhood.

Yeah, like I'm laughing, but it's out of discomfort.

Hey, oh, he's back, he's back, he's back.

So my one thing though about that though is like move your bed.

Well, so here's my other thing about that, it's like, if it's like, like heat rises, I mean, yeah, right, yeah, so like heat rises, so like if you need something cooling you, it should be like level with you or like, I'm not gonna get into the science of it all, but like...

I appreciate your idea.

I've been trying. Hey, keep going, pal.

You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take. Say it again. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Michael Scott.

Too hot.

Genos.

Oh okay.

It is.

Oh, I love Greenpoint.

Wait, so you walk to Prospect Park from Greenpoint?

That's not a real name.

Like track pants.

It's like five miles.

Especially in New York, I feel like every day I almost get hit by a car.

Yes, it is. All of the signs are in...

I just couldn't imagine. No one's landing in the right spot. They're like falling on the ground because when you hit the ground, you forget how much you weighed.

Ich habe gerade den Bruder angeschaut.

Es ging schmerzhaft.

Ja, ich habe einen. Schau, Osmosis Jones, Premiere-Kid. Premiere-Kid?

Was freust du dich am meisten an diesem Film? Ich denke, ich freue mich auf das Kracken. Ich hoffe, ich kann total krachen. Ich habe mich nicht so lange krachen lassen. Ich habe es.

He looks so different now.

I'm really looking forward to cracking up. I haven't cracked up in a really long time. I'm really looking forward to cracking up.

Er hat gesagt, das sei seine liebste Nachbarin. Ich hoffe es, denn dann gehe ich einfach... Garbage men hate this religion.

Oh, I thought you were saying that Woody Harrelson's actual brother was the one who did it. Tell Mary your Woody Harrelson brother story.

Brett Harrelson?

I've only seen one famous person out in the wild ever, and it happened this week.

Nope. I wish it was Mike White.

She's an actress, and her brother is someone also very famous who's in Superbad. Oh...

Was ist ihr Name? Beattie Feldstein. Oh, okay.

Ja, sie ist in Booksmart. Sie ist so berühmt. Beanie Feldstein. Oh! Okay, ja, ja, ja. I know her. I didn't know that was your sister. So I was at a show on Tuesday and I was like, well, first famous person I could check on my list. That's funny. And now I'm here with two famous people. Three famous people.

That's awesome. That's so awesome. Are you lying?

It's L.A.

Hey! Joey Boza's on the Bills?

Wow, what a good little family they got there.

Also, I feel like with sports, like, neptism, like, can only go so far.

Like, if you're a first-round pick, that's epic.

That means you're, like, actually talented, really good.

Maybe in the biomedical world.

Are you guys netball babies?

Her mom produces Joe Rogan. Still?

Is that how they met and fell in love? Yeah.

Wow.

Yummy strawberry matcha. Delicious. Strawberry matcha. What kind of music do you listen to?

They're only a few inches bigger.

Guess.

Virgo. I would maybe guess Virgo.

You're the birthday of the sixth? No, he said sis. Are you September 6th? Oh, sister, hey! September 6th? No, I'm the 17th. I'm the 11th. Oh boy.

Because there was a whole thing where 9-11 happened and now they have 9-11 babies where after having all these people were like, God, we gotta have kids.

Yeah, like my buddy Evan, shout out. Evan? He's a 9-11 baby. Yeah, I'm a different kind of 9-11 baby.

Das ist für unser Land! Ich habe nur einen kurzen Gedanken. Ihr liebt meinen Bruder wirklich.

He's in Long Beach right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's the same age as you guys.

Wait, that's soon.

Er arbeitet bei Jackson Motorsports. Jackson Motorsports? Ja, das ist in Greenville.

Das ist ein epischer Name.

Er lebt in Greenville, aber er ist hier mit Jackson Motorsports.

Er lebt nicht in Greenville. Er hat nur ein Haus gekauft. Was? Ein 24er? Yeah, but South Carolina is buttfuck nowhere. So it's like, we could all probably buy a house there. I couldn't.

I gotta go.

No, I just had a thought, because you guys say I just feel like you vibe heavy, so...

So heiß.

My brother did that. He did double decker couch in college.

Wow.

Wow. Er ist heiß. Sean hat ein Bier jetzt, das ist wirklich groß. Eine Foto von Sean. Mein Sean. Wait, put the two Seans next to each other? Oh, make them kiss.

Do you just have an older brother? I have an older brother and I have a stepbrother named Joseph, who is adorable. He's in high school. He just went to junior prom. He looked so doll. Did you like his date?

Ja, er hat es wirklich getan. Hast du die Nacht weggeanzt? Ich habe es getan. Ich bin bei mir selbst in den Prom gegangen. Das war ein bisschen episch. Aber dann habe ich... Oh, als ich in den Prom ging, haben alle gedacht, dass ich Acid in den Prom gebracht habe.

I don't know. I was like, I've never touched a machine in my life. So when we walked in, everyone was like, my mom got a call from our dean of students, who was, he's the dumbest guy ever. He had an affair with our school resource officer, Trisha Zuko. Whoa, TZ. Full name. She was gorgeous, but I did not like him at all.

But he called my mom, he was like, I'm so sorry, Michelle, I gotta let you know. Like, People are saying Mary and her friends are bringing acid to prom. I would be so sad if something happened. My mom was like, she's driving home. Angus, my buddy Angus, who's Australian, total nerd. And Elizabeth Enoch, super religious, like very...

lange Arme und sie war so und sie hat die SATs am Morgen genommen, also glaube ich nicht, dass sie was gemacht hat, dass Leute denken, dass du ein Assist warst, dass jemand gesagt hat, dass jemand einen dreckigen kleinen Geräusch startete, was ein bisschen episch ist, weil ich bin so, dass ihr denkt, dass ich cool bin, wie ein Geräusch zu haben, wie so ein Badass und ihre Freunde sind rollen oder trippen, ich weiß nicht, trippen, trippen, trippen, äh, hast du uns bereits etwas beigebracht,

I don't.

I don't have anything.

Das ist wahrscheinlich Epikas Geheimnis.

Wenn ich es nicht mag, dann kaufe ich es nicht.

That was a hard lesson to learn.

What's the difference between starting with one or the other?

Oh, I mean, on my notes app I have the wives tales first, so let's just be... You know we did this once already, right?

My name is Mary.

Beats.

Oh, my turn?

If you eat too many gummy vitamins, your bones will grow out of your skin.

I was just like thinking.

Am I up? You're up.

Yeah, I don't like that. Oh. If you touch seaweed in the ocean three times, you become a pretty mermaid. Please. That's a good one.

If you see your pediatrician after you turn 22, you age backwards and you're a child.

Das ist tragisch. Ich bin so glücklich, dass ich keinen Wiener habe.

Wenn es ein Mädchen ist?

Ja, meine Mutter hat mal ein Mammogramm bekommen. Das ist das, wo sie deinen Boobie nehmen und es zwischen zwei Sachen abschneiden. Und sie hat es mir, als ich sieben Jahre alt war, gebracht.

So anyways, she made me go. She was like, you're old enough, you should know what this is. You're gonna be a woman soon. And I was like, okay. And she had a male doctor and they had a lady in there for her comfort. And I just thought that was the funniest thing ever. And I'm just in the corner like... I watched this guy touch my mom. I was like, what the fuck?

No, he's not a doctor.

Ja, ich auch.

Ja, ich würde nie zu einem, period.

Cocaine is for women and heroin is for men.

Speed?

And Chris Farley.

I wouldn't do it because I'm ladylike.

I'm a lady. That's why I get my nails done.

Yeah, I watched it.

Oh, La Razzia.

I'm not spoiling it. You're way behind.

I bawled my eyes out.

Wait, that's just a downer.

Yeah, I want a downer. I have my dogs on downers. Because she's nuts.

Sie ist in einem Dach. Sie ist in einem Dach-Daycare. Und es gibt ein Live-Camp. Wir machen ein Bild von Marys Dach.

Sie ist ein Boxer-Mix.

Das wäre ein guter Podcast.

I don't like that. I like worms, but I don't want to do that.

Do you guys ever put salt on slugs when you were kids?

Wait, why?

Ich habe das in der Naturklasse gelernt. In der 6. Klasse.

Ja.

Ja, das ist verrückt. Warte, ist das das Dokument? Ich glaube, das passiert viel.

We adopted a furry. This family goes to a shelter and they adopt a dog and then they find out that it's a grown man in a furry costume and then they just grow to love him anyway.

Thanks guys.

Yeah, they have children together.

Mine is called Hooped Up On Love. Yes! Yeah, this girl, she's like in love with this basketball player in her high school and she gets dunked on and then gets amnesia. And when this accident happens, he's like, wait, she's like kind of bad though. And he's like in love with her, but she's not in love with him anymore.

She has amnesia and it's all about him trying to get her to fall in love with him again.

I love that. That's gorgeous. Thank you.

Like cigarettes?

Like a giant steamy turd. Yeah.

Yeah, that does sound tough. I wouldn't know anything about like... Probably like a lot of torture devices if you get in trouble.

Hey!

Oh Gott. Okay, I'm gonna steal all my buddy Jeff's personality.

Friends with Kenward, I found out.

Jeff's just like, he like had Soho House and like shit like that.

Yeah, let's do it. I'm not doing shit.

Warte, warte, wirklich schnell. Du hattest einen Pool in deinem College-Haus?

Oh, you can find me on TikTok at real__mary__mother__of__god or on Instagram at mary.shallaby and I just hang out. Yay.

Comment what you think rate Lauren's brother out of 10.

Es war nicht ein schönes Haus.

Thank you, guys. Bye-bye, guys.

Ich bin nur fürchtet, dass du es in den Pool hättest und dann all das verdammte Scheiß und es wahrscheinlich... Ja, dann stinkt der Pool nicht. Ja. Und dann riecht jeder wie Scheiße.

Er hat fünf Filme gesehen. Ich habe ihn noch nie gesehen.

Klassiker.

Rangos crazy little one to throw in there.

Those are good ones. So you hit some really good classics.

Oh, so six movies.

Dude.

Against Letterboxd once. In Syracuse we had pool parties too.

Wir hatten diese Schach-Pool. Schach ist das, wo du in Dardy gehst. Und sie hatten eine Pool da. Und jemand würde immer in sie gehen. Und dann wärst du einfach wett den Rest des Tages.

Oh, ich denke, ich habe ihn dir gezeigt. Aber schau dir diesen Text an, den ich gestern von einem randomen Nummer bekommen habe.

I think that is him.

Yeah, that is epic.

Shallaby.

I feel like I would.

Woodsy? I was with Woodsy two weekends ago. Woodsy's my boy. That's like one of my best friends. I know. Really?

Because Woodsy's my boy. I love him.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Hey, cheers to Woodsy.

Oh, epic. Woodsy cracks me up. He's so funny. He's just like... Just some of the shit he'll say, I'm like...

They always, they come to New York, Woodsy's always in the city. He's constantly driving all the way from Maine to the city. But actually one time I was at a diner with my buddy Brendan. Shout out Brendan again. He's also really good friends with Woodsy. We were just like eating and then Woodsy just pulls up in an Uber and we look out and he's just like... Oh, das war in der Highschool. Okay.

That's so epic. Woodsy's friend, who's also my friend too. Okay, we'll Flavetag y'all.

They're a sponsor. No, I just don't like this.

Ja, zwei Jahre hergekommen. Ja. Und dann war Ken so, okay, hol dich an diesem Tag. Und ich war so, bruh, ich fahre gerade über das Land.

Yeah. Can I try one?

Even cinnamon? I had, I'm not, I can't take your laugh.