Marko Ivanov
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
My dad, who's a pilot for decades, to make me feel better, he brings the phone closer to the window so that I can hear mortar shells exploding. He says, they're not that loud, they're not that close. And I believe him. But it's been a couple of days and we haven't heard from them and we miss them. Now officially, we are refugees, but I refuse to admit it.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
Refugees are those people you see on TV, on nightly news, in dirty clothes, living in tents and camps. They're homeless. We're not homeless. We're living in an apartment that my dad's best man had before he passed away. I enrolled us in school. I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I do everything that I can. But we're not refugees. Now, despite all that, it's 30 days, and we're running out of money.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
So a family friend promises that they can lend us money, but we need to visit them in the city. It's about an hour away bus ride. So I tell Nicola, wipe your face, pick up your jacket, let's grab that bus. And as we're walking to the bus station, I have an idea. I know how to make him feel better. I can't get him his mom, but I can give him the next best thing, a grilled sausage.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
See, Belgrade is full of these burger and sausage bars that when you walk by, you get this whiff of grilled sausage and you just can't not stop. And whenever we visited as a family in the past, we would enjoy this delicacy. And I love grilled sausage. And in this moment, it's not just about the food. I think it's about being normal.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
So I buy one, I split it, I give him his half, and we sit on that bench waiting for the bus, savoring the sausage. When we get on the bus, it's hot, it's crowded. Smell of sweat, not sausage, permeates the air. People look miserable. The war has been going on for a while. Serbia's flooded refugees. Some people give us these pitiful looks because they can hear our Croatian accent.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
And as I see conductor approaching us, I know that our sausage plan is backfired. See, I don't have enough money for two full tickets. So when he comes to me, I say, I need one full price ticket for myself and a half price ticket for my brother. And he says, how old is he? And I lie, six. Now, as he's writing me the ticket, Nikola, who's sitting down, he's tugging on my pants. What did he ask?
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
And I say, nothing, curtly. But Nicola can't be stopped. He said something about me. What did he want to know about me? So I tell him. He wanted to know, how old are you? And with the proudest face and with the loudest voice, he says, I am eight. Everybody on the bus, including the conductor, is smiling. Even those people that I judged, they're entertained. But I am crushed.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
As he hands me that half-price ticket, I have this heavy realization. We are broke. We don't have a home. We don't have our parents. And even though we have these kind people and friends, if not for them, we would be on the street, homeless. We are refugees. That feeling stays with you forever. A few days later, I'm coming home from school.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
I take the elevator to the 16th floor of our building, and as I put the key in the apartment's door, I hear Nicola talking to someone. As I open the door, I can see a green military kit on the floor with my dad's shoes next to it. And I know, my dad is back. And if my dad is here, my mom has to be soon right behind him. Thank you.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
After reuniting with our parents, we stayed in Serbia where we lived under sanctions. At 17, I left for the United States where I lived with the American family that took me in. Four years later, during NATO bombing of Serbia, I was able to get my younger brother out who joined me in the U.S. as well. Today, all of us, including my parents, are living in the U.S.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
My brother, Nikola, is laying in bed in front of me, crying. And it is not one of those whiny, cranky cries. It is this deep, inconsolable cry. And he's whispering, I want my mom. I want my mom. He's eight, and I'm 13, and we are alone. We're in this apartment, just the two of us. I make sure he eats, he brushes his teeth, he does his homework.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
But there is one thing I can't do that he really needs at this time. I can't give him his mom. So I do the best that I can. I lay next to him, I hold him, and as I do, I think, I want my mom too. It is September 91, and a civil war is raging in Croatia, former Republic of Yugoslavia. Nicola and I are in Belgrade, Serbia.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
Last time we saw our mom was about a month ago, when she snuck us out of our hometown city in Croatia, drove us to the airport, gave us a hug and a kiss, and then turned around to go back in the city that was under siege to be with my father. Now we are 400 miles apart while they're hiding in the city as the fierce fighting is going on.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Family Matters
I spend countless hours at night dialing that, spinning that dial on a rotary phone until my finger is bloody with a hope that I can connect the call to them. And when the connection is established, they say they're okay, they're fine, don't worry, we will be soon together.