Marjorie Ingall
Appearances
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
The steps for making a good apology are so easy and yet actually doing them is so hard because our brains are not wired for this. Apologizing is a really brave act that really builds bridges between people when they're done right.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
But when they're done wrong, which is everything our brain is telling us to do, we are absolutely shimmering and shivering with this desire to apologize badly or not at all and to blame the other person and to throw up defensive walls. It's so hard because we want to see ourselves as the hero in our own story.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And apologizing well means understanding that you were the bad guy in somebody else's story.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
A good apology really is six easy steps, maybe six and a half. The first one is Say I'm sorry or I apologize, which sounds so fundamental. And yet somebody is always going to say I regret or not using that word at all. And regret is about how you feel. Apologies are making the other person feel heard. You have to say the thing that you did.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Don't say the situation or that incident or what happened. Name the thing, which is, again, our brains are so wired to just steer us away from looking at what we did. Show that you understand the impact. Show that you understand why the other person was hurt. If you need to explain, do so, but be really wary of excuses. I honestly think this is the hardest step.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Number five is if you can explain the steps that you are taking to make sure that this never happens again, that you don't do it, that somebody else doesn't do it, whatever power you have to prevent it happening again, do it. Number six is if you can make reparations, make reparations. And the half step is sort of listening. People really want to be heard.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
The way we function. is by seeing ourselves as the protagonist in the novel that is our life. We see ourselves as a good person doing good, putting out good into the world. We tend to remember the slights that other people have made against us, but not the ones that we make against other people.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And that's so we don't wind up curled in a corner sobbing with guilt and self-recrimination and self-consciousness. You have to see yourself as good. We all see ourselves as good. And apologizing well means putting yourself in a one-down position.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Well, nobody's perfect, but it seems particularly difficult to admit to an actual incidence of imperfection while you're apologizing.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
I think there's a reason why we crave good apology stories in the media, in the news. Good apologies are so often a feature of good things that happened today, happy stories in magazines and newspapers. They make us feel that the world is a warm place where humans look out for each other, that the world is a small town. And we'd all like to think that we could be a character in this story.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
The most recent thing that I saw that went viral was a drunk guy stole a Santa. from a small town in North Carolina and he returned it the next day with flowers for the owner and he said, I just saw it and thought it looked cool and I took it and I feel really bad about it and I'm sorry and is there anything I can do to help you out around your restaurant?
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And it was just so sweet that, you know, it's such a small story, but it went viral.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Right. The rules are always different when it comes to us, right? We didn't do anything wrong. We are more sinned against than sinning. And it's always funny to me when somebody in the media in particular gives this horrible apology like that Sun columnist, Jeremy Clarkson, who compared Meghan Markle to a serial killer in British history and then to like some villain on Game of Thrones.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
and said she should be made to parade naked through the streets of every town in England while people threw lumps of excrement at her. And then his apology was like, oh, dear, I've put my foot in it. I made a clumsy little joke about Game of Thrones, and it went down badly. And I'm horrified to have caused so much hurt. I'll be more careful in future. And I read it.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
People send us these terrible apologies on our website, Sorry Watch. And it didn't occur to me until after I'd even tweeted about it, that it wasn't an apology at all, that it didn't say sorry or apologize. And it's what we call an apology shaped object. It takes the form of an apology, but it is not one. And that just makes people angrier.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
But when it's us on the chopping block, no, it was people didn't get my joke.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
I'm going to gently push back here that it depends on the offense, right? Okay. So the most recent thing that I did was misgender someone, use the wrong pronouns. And again, You know, I was hitting someone where they live. And so I think it's appropriate for me to apologize for that.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
It's also appropriate for me to keep it short and sweet and not turn this into a whole all about me, oh, rending my garments, ripping out my hair. I feel terrible. Please, please forgive me that I, you know, called you he when you are she. But don't people deserve to be called what they want to be called?
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Right. But if you've been told and you still get it wrong, which is what I did, I think if you keep screwing up, you owe someone an apology. But you also don't owe either you or them this theatrical, you know, oh my God, I suck so bad.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Let's move on. Apology.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
don't do it resist the call but talk to someone you trust to say am i reading this wrong because again we are wired to be self-protective and your friend may have a better take on the situation than you and your friend may be able to show you oh you know you really did offend and here's what you can say one thing i always taught my kids was if there's a thing that you're sorry for apologize for that don't apologize for what you're not sorry for
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Yeah, I'm sorry if you were hurt. I forgot that you really don't have a sense of humor. I wasn't aware that you were so fragile. Yeah, like we joke that like, if the word obviously appears in the apology, you're already gonna be mad when you hear, but obviously I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or, I've already apologized, but okay.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
It's unfortunate that these are all words that make you go, but when somebody actually makes eye contact with you and says, I'm trying to understand how I screwed up here. I know you're mad. Can we talk about it? What can I do to make amends here? I think
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
when it's unfiltered that way and you're actually looking into another human being's eyes, an apology can be such a bridge-building, societally connecting, beautiful thing. And I think given how hard it is to do well, we should be applauding these when we see them.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And okay, so say they do a sorry if.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
you can call them on it just say wait you just said sorry if do you mean sorry if you know you don't say sorry if you hurt me you're apologizing you know you hurt me and almost all of the time if they are coming to you in good faith they're like you're right we have to come to each other in good faith let's talk about accepting an apology because not everybody's particularly gracious at that um so let's talk about that
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
We like to say apologies are mandatory, forgiveness is not. If you're getting the crappy apology that is clearly not sincere and just intended to smooth the way or, you know, fine, you know, come home for Christmas. I'm sorry, I did blah, blah, blah. Or, you know, clearly the office manager is making you apologize. You don't have to accept those.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
You know, you can just say, thanks, and I appreciate you saying that and move on. But if someone says to you, I want us to really connect, that's what an apology is, right? It's connection. It behooves us to listen. And we can help guide the person. Sometimes people don't know what they did. Instead of being mad that the person doesn't know what they did, help them see what they did.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
What use does it serve for both of you if they don't understand why you're mad and you can't articulate or won't articulate why you're mad?
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
If it's, you need to lose weight, the person is aware of their weight. If it's your sister gets A's, why can't you get A's? All of these things are true maybe, but not helpful. There used to be a sign in my kid's kindergarten that said, is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And those are all, I mean, it's stupid, but it's true. If someone is really hurt,
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
What's more important, being right or being happy? Being right or salvaging this relationship?
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Yeah, I married one, and I love him. And unfortunately, he usually is right, which is very difficult for me personally. But yeah, sorry is hard when you are often the person who is right.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And there's some really well-designed and amusing studies that look at, let me think about times I've wronged other people versus times I've been wronged. And A, we're way better at coming up with more times that we have been wronged than when we have wronged others. And there are always extenuating circumstances for some reason when we are the people who did the bad thing.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
And we were somehow always, you know, there was a reason we did what we did. And the other person, A, they do it all the time. And B, it's completely unmotivated. Why did they do that? Which is, again, we are marvelously complex, intricate mechanisms as human beings designed to not see our own worth. culpability. And there's so many studies that back that up.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Nothing wrong with in retrospect, you know, like retrospect can be really those, you know, rose colored backwards glasses can be super duper helpful. You know, in the moment things get heated in the moment, you know, all we're thinking about is being self-protective and retrospect can be a great way to look at things and reevaluate and change your story.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
There was a study that people liked talking about.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
that showed the impact of a thank you note that we don't we completely underestimate how happy people are to get a thank you note that we think oh you know i'm not a good writer oh they already know i'm grateful oh they're gonna think i'm sucking up but when somebody opens that thank you note they are thrilled and i think that although i haven't seen a study showing this i think apologies are similar i can recall
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
some of the great apologies I have received. I had an ex, maybe 10 years after we broke up, send me a note out of the blue saying that he was getting married. And he just wanted me to know that even though sometimes he didn't seem like he was listening when we were together, he was. And he thinks that
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
You know, he thought that he was going to be a better husband because of the time that we had spent together and there was no return address. And I actually loved that because it showed that there was no ulterior motive. It was just the nicest thing. And I'm going to carry that for the rest of my life.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
An apology in writing when you know that it's not calculating, you know that there's no ulterior motive to it, it was just a kind act. And it also, it made me reflect back on a bad breakup in a way that made me think more warmly about the whole relationship. Yeah, if you can apologize to someone and you suspect that
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
it's something that they want to hear, that they would be happy to hear, you may underestimate how happy it will make them. And if you think that they might not want to hear from you, if you do it, you know, you never want somebody to feel cornered by an apology.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
If somebody, if you're apologizing to someone face to face and they're backing away from you, sometimes people move forward because they really want you to understand. No. But if you write someone a letter, oh, especially on nice, creamy stationery with a pen, people are so happy.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
Thank you so much, Mike. This was wonderful.
Something You Should Know
Why We Are Obsessed With Butts & The Best and Worst Way to Apologize - SYSK Choice
The steps for making a good apology are so easy and yet actually doing them is so hard because our brains are not wired for this. Apologizing is a really brave act.