Maddie
Appearances
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I am really enjoying learning more. That's how I found your podcast. I love teaching this class, financial literacy, because it feels like I'm giving kids secrets and I get to tell them all of the mistakes I made and hope that they don't make the same ones. So I know I'm really annoying my husband. because I'm insisting that we start taking some action.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
And all of the anxiety and the guilt are sort of now being buried under my excitement to just do better and take action and move forward.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Okay, nerds. So I want to start with asking about ethical investing. As I'm thinking about growing my wealth and making decisions with this lump of money I have in the bank, I really do want to make decisions that align with my values. When I was teaching financial literacy last semester, I did an activity. It's called a Socratic Smackdown.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
You take a topic and you divide the class into four groups and they debate from different perspectives on that topic. The topic this time was socially responsible investing. I did not know a lot about socially responsible investing when I started this Smackdown with the kids, but through their research and through their arguments, I learned a ton.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
And I think my question is, number one, is it worthwhile? Is it just greenwashing? Number two, is there such a thing as ethical investing? And number three, in late stage capitalism, Is there a point investing ethically or should I just be looking out for myself?
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
So I think my follow-up question is, is this more of a DIY endeavor? Am I the one that's going to have to be managing these funds as well as teaching freshmen and potty training my toddler? Yeah.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Yeah, and I will not be throwing tomatoes for your answer either, Elizabeth. I really love that. And as someone who cares about the climate and our planet, I preach that all the time. So you're totally right. Just because the world is how it is doesn't mean I can't still try. Exactly. Yeah.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I do keep all of our money in our savings account to try to get the best return because our current high-yield savings account is at 3.8% and the checking account is at 0.5%, which is still better than we were getting at our other bank. Now, we pay most of our bills with our credit card.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
We have one for hotel points and one for airline points because my husband travels a lot and my family lives out of state. So I direct deposit. All of our bills go on our credit cards to maximize our points. Or I just bill pay them out of the savings account where I can. So I can keep a minimum amount in our checking and keep the majority in savings.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Yes, I am. I actually, it's through SoFi. So I don't know if you know anything about them, but I think I can just go to an ATM.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Right. And if we did ever, we have a high allowance. Is that what it is? Our high credit limit on our cards. So if we had something like that, we could probably charge on our credit card and eventually pay it off.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
It definitely is. I mean, we did have more in savings. And then I was a stay-at-home mom for a year because we moved when I was seven months pregnant. I gave birth at an awkward time in the school year. It just made sense to stay home for a year and move into our house and raise our kid. And because of that, we spent a lot of our money in savings. It was almost like we won the
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
more affordable home in Cleveland. And we used our savings to allow me to stay home with our kid. So I think I'm very protective of the amount that we currently have in savings because I watched it sort of whittle down. For our emergency fund, our expenses every month are between $7,000 and $9,000 depending on the month, depending on things in our house breaking.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
So our emergency fund, we've calculated that we'd be comfortable with having like $24,000 What do you guys think about that? I heard Elizabeth sigh. No, that wasn't like, okay, yeah, good job.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Yeah, I really love that approach. My bank does offer that option. They call them vaults. So I like the idea of moving what we need for emergencies and moving what we need to pay our bills because we direct deposit into that savings account as well. I think that sounds like a great idea.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
With the remaining amount, I would like to set money aside for my son's college fund and possibly another kid's college fund. And I do want to start investing. The interest rate on my student loans is around 5%, a little higher than 5%.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I'm interested in sort of, okay, if I have to wait out this public service loan forgiveness program, and I don't know what the future of that looks like because it's very political. If I have to wait that out, I might as well invest at a rate that could cancel out the interest I'm accruing on my loans. What do you guys think about that? Yeah.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
We do not yet have a 529. I believe that we have been given money from a couple family members to start an account for him, but the past few years have been a little chaotic and we haven't gotten around to it. So we would want to take some of the money from our savings and put it into a 529 or a Roth and contribute regularly so it is just growing reliably so we have enough money
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
To sort of offset the cost of college with acknowledging that it will probably be more expensive than we're able to save for.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Yeah, in some way. And that leads into another question that I was having as I was looking into the accounts. I read some articles about how much I should be putting in to an account to save for college. And I just don't know what my goal should be.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
That is great. I think I will definitely go the 529 route, especially if I know that it could be rolled over. I'm not sure the educational path my kid will decide to take, so it's nice that it could be rolled over and used for stuff outside of education too.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Thank you, nerds. You're the best.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I would say the last 10 years of my life have definitely been marked by some pretty severe financial anxiety. I think I've always had financial anxiety and felt sort of financially insecure. I think my strategy was avoidance. Last semester, I taught a financial literacy course for the first time in a while.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
And now that I am a little older and have a family, I was sort of able to engage more with the material and learn alongside my students. and realized that I really could be doing better. So basically, I have a decent amount in student loans, and I also have money in savings. And so my question is, do I try to invest that money, or do I try to hold it just in case?
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I mean, student loans, as we know, are currently sort of in limbo.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I would love to save for my son's college. I don't know if that means a 529 or a Roth or just setting some money aside. And my husband and I do not currently have life insurance. So I think I'm interested in that as well. Definitely doing some investing, but I'm not really sure what that looks like, especially because I try to live out my values in every way that I can.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
While recognizing that there is no ethical consumption, I do try to shop at thrift stores and buy local when I can.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I would say just under $100,000.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
We have about 60K in savings. My husband and I, we're definitely savers. And we are very cautious with how we spend our money. And we approach money the same way, which is really locky. While we have had that mindset, neither of us really came from money. And so we didn't have a lot of savings to begin with. But we got very lucky.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
And you might not think that this is lucky, but we bought three houses in three years.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
That is lucky.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
It was chaotic and there were capital gains tax involved because we did like buy and sell and then buy and sell and buy and sell. Or no, we just bought the third one. Basically, it was in Durham, North Carolina, and the market was crazy. And we were just extremely lucky to be in that place in that time and profit off of these investments so quickly.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
So we honestly thought of that as winning the lottery. And because I have the student loan debt, we just held on to it in a savings account. I just barely switched it over to a high yield savings account so that money can grow a little bit while we wait to make these decisions.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
However, now that I am teaching this class, I do want to start taking some action and not just have a lump of money sitting in savings.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
Yes, and we have a mortgage from our current house, but we are really good about paying off our credit cards every month. So it's just the student loans and our mortgage right now.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
My student loans are now at $78,000. They were at $67,000 under Biden's SAVE Act. But because that got held up in federal courts, interest has no longer been paused. So I have $67,000 principal and the rest in interest. So $11,000 in interest. Then the mortgage is about $160,000 left.
NerdWallet's Smart Money Podcast
Egg Prices, Greenwashing, and Smarter Ways to Invest
I do have 10 years in education, but three were working as a substitute. And those years would count towards my public service loan forgiveness, but I was in graduate school at the time. So my loans were in forbearance.
The Charlie Kirk Show
Ask Charlie Anything 208: Fat Kids = Child Abuse? Afghanistan Alternatives? Is DCFS Abusive?
Hi, Charlie. Thanks for having me. My question is, what are your thoughts on Department of Children and Family Services, so DCFS? Many believe it's one of the most corrupt government agencies, often misusing power and using fear tactics to pressure good parents into relinquishing their rights based on minor or untrue complaints under the broad term neglect.
The Charlie Kirk Show
Ask Charlie Anything 208: Fat Kids = Child Abuse? Afghanistan Alternatives? Is DCFS Abusive?
Do you think DCFS should be investigated for its practices?
The Charlie Kirk Show
Ask Charlie Anything 208: Fat Kids = Child Abuse? Afghanistan Alternatives? Is DCFS Abusive?
Absolutely. I witnessed it firsthand, actually, kind of like the same scenario you had with your colleague there. They had to hire the lawyers, spend all the money just to say, hey, we're good parents. You're focusing on the wrong family here whenever there's people that need help.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
I mean, I think it's amazing. I would fuck a country singer.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Well, it ain't happening without me, okay?
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
please please um we'll see everybody there love you guys talk to you later bye watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors ain't no thing like allison king our way is the amber way it's always automatic with ashley auto ashley savoni see don't take no baloney Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine DiBernardo has our heart-o.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less. Jamie, she has no less name-y. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Have a heck of a time with Rebecca. She sure is swell, it's Raquel.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. The Bay Area Betches, Betches.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up. It's Beth-a-nee.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. She's not harsh. She's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie. My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo. We love him madly. It's Kyle Pod Shadley. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it, it's Lola Alcalani.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
She's the Queen Bee. It's Sarah Lemke. Shannon out of a can and Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain.
Watch What Crappens
#2679 Southern Hospitality S03E01: The Dawn of MadJoe
All right, everyone. Let's get active. Come on.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
And then Mia's like, what the fuck, Cordoodles?
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
Oh my God, it's Olivia from Southern Charm.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
Very faulted. I'm not really sure what you want me to say, but I'll just give you the second step.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
Cause she crosses those lines every goddamn day.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
I want to radiate the sun before I burn out bright in my supernova.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
Yeah, she's like, fucking liar, hell no, fucking liar.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
You know what? I want to wish one thing for my birthday. That Trevor would die. I hate Trevor.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
Fuck you. I fucking picture getting married to you and having kids with you. I mean, you haven't fucking changed.
Watch What Crappens
#2671 Southern Hospitality 0201 Repost
You can't even look me in the eyes. How could you do this to me the morning after you gave me charcuterie?
Watch What Crappens
#2685 Southern Hospitality S03E02 Part One: Post Traumatic Dress Misorder
For me and Maddie to be official right now, it literally feels like a dream come true. I feel like I can finally be myself with her.
Watch What Crappens
#2685 Southern Hospitality S03E02 Part One: Post Traumatic Dress Misorder
now who's gay wait a minute so it was like after i heard these rumors i went to his house and i was like why the fuck would you say that people and he said i would never say that i would never tell anybody that i promise you i didn't do that and you know i'm a very trusting person but now i'm paying for it she's just a cold-hearted snack that's what i've discovered and maddie's like oh you
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I'm Maddie, and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking whenever I was 14 years old, and I didn't really get addicted right at 14. I wasn't like, yeah, this is awesome. In fact, I got really sick. I was mixing Jose Cuervo with Tecate beer, and we drank that all night. I woke up throwing up on the floor on a towel, and an upperclassman was helping me. It was a guy.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so I fell into that at a very young age. Yeah. As soon as I moved up here at 18, I fell into that. In fact, whenever I was 19, I got my first DWI. I was working at a bar in Fort Worth and. We went across the street. We closed and we closed at two in the morning and we went across the street. Very illegal, by the way. I went across the street to a bar and drink after hours.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And it was just kind of for like the service industry people. Yeah. So that's where I was. And I remember being. And I also didn't drink just to casually have fun. I liked the feeling of being out of my fucking mind. I didn't want to just drink and have fun. I wanted to get fucked up. I was on a mission.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I think that's what I liked. And again, that's kind of like where I also say I relate to my dad in a lot of ways is because I crave that addiction. Yeah. I still crave alcohol because this is so fucked up because I miss that feeling of being out of my mind. Like I know there is nothing else in the world that will make me feel like that ever again.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And that's so fucked up because that's what like, you know, destroyed my life. But now looking back on it, I still crave it so much.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Snuck a Four Loko and like pretended to like drink it in my friend's closet like six months prior to that. So I had like dabbled in drinking, but I really wasn't. like fully enthralled with it by any means. The only reason I went to that party was because I was becoming friends with all the upperclassmen. And I also had a boyfriend at the time. Okay.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I loved, like, people are like, I don't really like drinking because I don't like being out of control. I'm like, fuck control. Like, I just want to go to sleep. Like, zanned out, baby.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But I still to this day crave that feeling. So that's why I still say, you know, my husband was in the car the other day and he was like, why do you still consider yourself an alcoholic? And I was like, every single day I think about it. Like, I know that's scary to hear, but it's the God honest truth.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
You know, like every day, you know, some days are easier than others, but there's, especially now that I've picked up serving shifts on the weekend, And like gone back into that environment, I like sometimes I'm like, dang, it really sucks that I can't go get a drink with my coworkers after this.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Well, and even it doesn't even stop in the service industry. You know, I got out and worked an office job and everybody was like, come eat for happy hour. I'm like... Because it is an escape. Yes. And I'm like, I... Can, but I can't. And also, when I was still drinking, for the very short time I was in an office setting and going to those happy hours, I couldn't handle myself. Yeah. I...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
was with a small amount of people that luckily didn't like gossip or anything. I got really lucky basically. Um, but I didn't act professional or anything. I was pounding six drinks at those happy hour events. Like girl, nobody needs to pound six drinks, but Even then, I still couldn't. That's why I say I don't think I can even... I still don't straw taste drinks at the bar I work at.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I don't use mouthwash with alcohol in it. I won't take NyQuil if it has alcohol in it. I don't even want to go there because I already know myself and I already know... I love that feeling. So I'm just not even. Stay away. Yeah. Like, let's not go there. My first DUI at 19. I so I left the bar and I remember dropping my car keys and picking them back up and dropping them a second time.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But he was way into sports and, you know, like doing something with his life. And I just was like, you know, F it, I'm 14. I don't fucking care. Yeah. So he was not at the party. So that was kind of a rough conversation to have. afterwards, too, of him, you know, being like, what happened? And me being like, I don't know, but, you know... Drew took care of me. Yeah.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I remember being like, I feel messed up. So I went back and I was like, can somebody take me home or like, can somebody call me a cab? Because back then it was 2012. So Uber was out, but it wasn't what it is now. Like, I don't. Nobody had it on their phone. Sure, I could have called a taxi. I'm so sorry. But I do remember going back and asking everybody, can you bring me home?
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Can you call me something? And I can pay you back tomorrow. Because I was also broke. So I didn't have money for a taxi. So I was like, I'll pay you back tomorrow when I'm done with my shift. And everybody was like, no, no, no. You're fine. Just go. And so I just went. I lived in a couple cities down the road. It took me about 30 minutes to get home. I...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
do not remember this, so this is all told to me. Whenever I was found for my DUI, I was driving westbound on eastbound I-30, so I was driving the wrong way on a major highway in Texas. Um, I had clipped another car, um, just a random like truck driver. This is also at four in the morning. Cause like I said, I had just gotten off the bar at two and went across the street. So I clipped another car.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
He was not injured. Um, and I wasn't going very fast. I 35 miles an hour. And this is all in the police report. So like I said, this is not my recollection of anything. Um, and so I had clipped him, he had pulled aside and cars had already been calling about me driving the wrong way, but I just wasn't going very fast. Um, and then a police car came and hit me head on.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But again, I was not going fast, um, hit me head on to make me stop. Cause I was not stopping. Um, And then whenever they opened the car door, I had peed myself and threw up on myself. They took me to the hospital because they thought that I had been drugged. I had no drugs in my system. I was literally just that fucked up. And back then, I didn't smoke pot. I didn't do anything.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I literally just drank. And so they took me to the hospital to find out everything because I was obviously not in good shape. The cop actually followed the ambulance and stayed with me in the hospital until the hospital workers told her that I was like stable and good. So like, it's so sweet. And I, I, again, feel so lucky. Like nobody was hurt. I don't condone drunk driving. That's terrible.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I don't look back on this story with like, any sort of proud moment or like to boast about it ever. I tell this story so that others can learn hopefully from my mistakes and not make those. There was plenty of times where I could have not gotten in that car and I thought about it so much that I turned around. So obviously I just needed to follow my intuition, but Hindsight's 20-20.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I woke up in the hospital and I found out what, you know, everything I'd done. And the nurse is the one who told me, like not the police officer. And there was a little like yellow ticket paper for your DWI, like sitting on the side, like on top of all my stuff. And, um, my clothes are wet. Like I was still in the clothes from the night before. Um, and I just called my boyfriend at the time.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was like, can you please come get me? Like, I didn't really know what was going on. Also my BAC for that one was a 0.28. Um, Um, and 0.07 is legal limit, you know, uh, 0.3, they say you are dealing with, uh, toxicity to death. Um, so I was, you know, very intoxicated. I didn't really know. I knew the severity of everything whenever I woke up, but I didn't I don't know.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I feel like I was still drunk. I, and this is not me making excuses. It was just like such a surreal thing, like waking up and finding out all of that stuff. So my boyfriend picked me up and he also was at work at the time, like working a day job. And I was like, Hey, pick me up from the hospital. I just got a DUI. Um, So that all went down.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so that's kind of like my first big time drinking, getting sick. And then the next day I was supposed to work as a lifeguard at the like family owned run water park in our hometown. And I did not. I didn't make it. No, ma'am. Yeah. My parents really didn't punish me because my dad is also an alcoholic as well. Did you see a lot of that growing up? Yes and no.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And also, I had agreed to work a private event for that bar that I was working at. So I was supposed to work at a golf course that morning at 730 in the morning. Obviously, I did not make it to that. So whenever I finally got my phone all charged up, people were like, where are you at? You're supposed to be working this golf event. So that was just even more added anxiety.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was like, oh my God, like I don't know what I did. How am I gonna move on from this? Luckily in the service industry, a lot of other people have DUIs and have messed up just like you. So I had this friend I was working with and she gave me the contact information to a lawyer that she had used. And she said, don't worry, girl, I drove into a house. And I was like, what?
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And she was like, yeah, I drove into a house. And the people were not home. But she had driven into the portion of the house that was the nursery and stuff.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so that's what she had driven into. And that was her DWI story. So like, as soon as I heard that, I was like, OK, I didn't drive into. Yeah, I didn't drive into a nursery. So like, I'm still doing OK. No, babe, you drove the wrong way down a major highway like that. The clues were there. I just was in denial. So I got without attorney.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And since I was so young, since I was 19 and whenever I got sentenced, I was finally 21. I think that's the reason they took it so easy on me. Because I only got this thing called labor detail. And you basically go and check into this facility. And then they take you out in groups like vans. And we're all inmates. We're all there to serve our community service, if you will say.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And they took us out to the local jails. I put up a fence, like a fence for Mayfest. I cleaned the jails. Like I said, I would clean like random fire offices and stuff like that. And this may sound freakish, but I kind of enjoyed it. Like I didn't mind that punishment. I don't know why. if that's wrong or whatever, but I didn't mind like getting up and going and like cleaning stuff.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I was like, okay, this is my punishment. Like, Okay, girl. But also I had an interlock in my car. So as soon as I completed the labor detail, I still wasn't done because I still had to have that interlock on my car. And by then I was working at a new restaurant.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And at this new restaurant, I figured out that if whenever I got to my shift at 3.30, I could have two drinks, chug them, and then be fine by midnight whenever we closed to drive and blow in my interlock again. And so be sober. Like, why am I doing that? Like, what is going on? And there is literally nothing wrong in my life. Like, just an average girl going to school, working two jobs, like...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Nothing traumatic, like nobody hurt me, nothing happened. I'm just in this state of mind. And I think that's also why it's so confusing for me to look back to is because I don't have that... Oh, well, you know, someone did something to me or, you know, this happened and I did this or, you know, a big traumatic event. Nothing like that happened. So...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And too often it does lead to that spiral. And again, like nothing traumatic happened to me, but I was on a mission to –
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So like whenever I was young, my dad drank non-alcoholic beer. And so like we knew growing up, you know, daddy had a problem. So that's why, you know, he has to drink non-alcoholic beer now because he can't really have the alcoholic beer. But then, you know, later on into, you know, once we started growing up, he started drinking regular beer, not non-alcoholic beer. And my mom, love her.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And this job, I fell in love with this job because of the people that I worked with. Like, I still to this day talk to some of the people that I used to work with at that job. That's how strong of a bond we all had. It was such a fun environment to be in, but also a dangerous one because drinking was not, you weren't allowed to drink on shift, but pretty much everyone did.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
In fact, there was a bar across the street that was open until two in the morning And sometimes we would like during buyouts and stuff, we would take turns going to the bar and taking shots and coming back. So like it was very common for everyone to drink and stuff. I did end up getting fired from that job. My first time ever getting fired for drinking. And that really, really upset me.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And yes, I had gotten the DWI. And yes, that affected me. And yes, I went through the legal system and dealing with all that. But losing something that I had worked so hard for and was making a very steady income at and for drinking is... Just so disappointing in myself. Yeah. You know, with that job, I was also like bartending for charity events.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I went and competed in this thing called Speed Rack and they raise awareness for breast cancer. And I had placed within the top five for Speed Rack. Like I was good and good at it. And that place is kind of where I grew as a bartender and grew into that profession. And so the day I got fired was I was bartending with a fellow bartender of mine and he was
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
is just as bubbly and energetic and loves to serve guests and everything just as much as I do. So I had made us coffees. So I'd put Bailey's, Godiva chocolate, like girl, I was cordial. Like I was going all in on these coffees. Jameson and then the coffee. And I had put them each on the bar And Barrett had chugged his and then I saw a guest sit down. So I was like, I'll chug mine in a minute.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Greeted the guest, turned around. My drink was gone. I looked at Barrett and Barrett goes, he just took the drink off the bar that was yours. And I don't know where it's at now. And I was like, what do I do? What do I do? And he was like, I don't know. I don't know. He was like, but please don't tell them I was drinking. I was like, bitch. Shut up.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like, I'm not going to tell him you're drinking, but like what? So then the day manager came on and he was like, hey, Charles, the GM and the GM is the one who took it. Charles, the GM wants to talk to you in the office. And I was like, fuck. And my heart was racing. Like my heart's still kind of racing thinking about this, because, again, this is the first time.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
where I've worked for something and then it's been taken away because of my own actions, my own drinking, like nobody else put you there, but your own self. Um, so I walked in and he was turned away from me and, um, he had the drink like on his desk and he just whipped around with a drink and sat in front of me said, so what's this? And I said, that's an alcoholic coffee.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I wasn't gonna, like you can obviously smell it. And he was like, okay, where did it come from? And I lied because I knew if you also- Your girl made it. Yeah, if I told him your girl made it, then I also could have been- Um, not charged, but like, I don't know any other way to say it, uh, with stealing because technically I was stealing the alcohol by putting it in the cup.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
She has no problem with it. Kind of envious of her for that. But yeah, I've never really, I'm sure I've seen her drink, but never more than like too. It's just like not her style. My dad, on the other hand, and that's also in a fucked up way, I relate to him more on the alcoholic and like the addiction side of things.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I told him that I had brought the alcohol from home and that I poured it into my coffee and that's what I had done. And he could tell, and I had just started working. I had just woken up like, I wasn't drunk at all. Like I was fine. I hadn't even taken a sip of the coffee yet. So that was another thing back then. I was like, I wasn't even drunk. I hadn't even drank anything like bitch.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
you knew what you were doing, you're going to chug that, had the GM not taken it from you. So I told him, I was like, you know, it's an alcoholic drink. I took it from home. I took the alcohol from home and I poured it in here and he was like, okay, well, I need you to go home. We'll talk about this later. I was like, what? I was like, man, no, like, just tell me right now, like, am I fired?
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like, what's going on? He was like, I don't know. He was like, I have to think about all this. You need to go home. Like, get out of my face. And I was like, fuck. Okay. Of course, I didn't go home.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I walked across the street and went to the bar and got fucked up and told all the bartenders and everybody how I was probably going to get fired because I just got caught drinking as I'm like drinking at the bar. Just insane, insane behavior. So... I go home and then I wake up the next day. And by this point in my alcoholism, I was starting to get sick.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But I figured out I could like just have a little hair of the dog, like just one of those little mini bottles of wine. And it would make my shakes go away and it would make me.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um, yes. But then also by that time, like I said, um, I would just drink like just a little bit and then it would make me feel so much better. And then, yeah. And then I was just like working and sweating and whatever. I mean, I'm sure I felt bad, but nothing noticeable, like not then. So I got up the next day and I went in and we had a meeting and there was two people there.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And as soon as I saw there were two managers there, I knew I was getting fired because one has to be there to witness it and then one has to be there to do it. And so as soon as I saw that, I immediately started crying. And he was like, you know, I don't want to do this. You are one of my best bartenders. You have crazy work ethic. But I am going to fire you. And I started crying even harder.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
He was like, the reason I'm firing you is because this is not the first time you've drank here. He was like, and I know it's not the first time. This is the first time we caught you. And I was like, you're right. Like, I'm not even, yeah, you're right. And yeah, I went home and lost that job and cried, like really heartbroken. I don't know why that was the thing that
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Really broke my heart considering I had just gotten a DWI at 19, but that was it. So then I got two more jobs after that. The job that I got after that is where I met my now husband. But I still was not over getting fired, and I was treating it through drinking. And I got my second DWI after I got fired. Three months after I got fired from the ranch for drinking, I got my second DWI.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was 23 at the time. No, 22. I was 22 at the time. So even just three years after my first one, not great. And that one, I... Try driving home. And then I had shown up to my second job, not the one where I met my husband, but my second job, like farther out serving again, drunk as fuck. Like I had just been drinking all day again, treating like my misery with alcohol.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And they were like, I'm sending you home in an Uber. And so I got sent home. Oh, and they didn't fire me either. Like I should have drunk as hell. And they were like, you know, we all make mistakes and you're a good worker. So I was like, why? Everybody, thank you so much for giving me a second chance, but I don't think I deserved it at the time. Like I really don't.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So they didn't fire me and they tried to send me in an Uber. And then I told the Uber to go back to the parking lot and I got in my car and I drove to the other bar that I was working at and I started drinking. And I was like, I'll just Uber here or like Uber from here to my apartment. No, I got so fucked up. I don't remember walking out of the bar. I don't remember driving home.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I remember anything. I do know my BAC was going to be high enough that I knew I was going to be a liability and I didn't want to go to jail. So I blew on my second one. I blew a .32. Um, and like I said, I had been drinking all day, like all day. Um, and that one, I had tried to turn into an apartment complex. Here was my apartment complex. And then here was apartment complex.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And that's not like my favorite thing to talk about because I don't love that I relate to him on such a dark level. OK, so back to the story about me drinking at the house and like first getting drunk. So that girl, the house that I was at, I was actually really close friends with her. And so we would go out to parties afterwards one time. So I'm fast forwarding to.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I tried to turn into, so it was just one prior. Um, and I had hopped the curb and like pulled into a parking spot and then pretended like I lived at that apartment complex to try to get out of the DWI, like try to be like, I'm home. Everybody's safe. We're good. So like, bye-bye now. You've done your civic duty. No, no, no. They were like, ma'am, you're fucked up. I did do a sobriety.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I said, I blew. And then I also did a sobriety test because I don't know why I was feeling so confident. I looked back on that police video. I shit you not. I'm at a like 45 degree angle. Like I was standing and like in a cheer position too at that. Like, I looked back on the video and I was like, girl, what were you? You can't even stand up straight.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so obviously I failed everything. And then whenever I blew a 0.32, they took me to hospital because if you blow over a certain amount, you're a liability to them. And so they have to take you to the hospital to get checked out. They can then take you to jail afterwards. Like, right. Totally. If you know, the hospital says you're good. But nine times out of 10, they usually don't.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I don't know why, but they just usually don't take you to jail unless, I guess also I, with the accidents I got into, they just messed up my car, like hitting that curb messed up my car and nobody else was involved in that first wreck or the second wreck for my second DWI. My first DWI, I did hit somebody But I just had clipped his car going slow.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I don't know why they didn't take me to jail after that. And again, my first one, I didn't have to go to jail ever. I did a walkthrough. And so I went in and like did my hair all cute, got all dressed up to go take a mugshot. My first one. But that mugshot is so cute. Like swear, she's a good looking mugshot. My second one is such a disaster.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So anyways, I blew and I blew a 0.32 and they're like, yeah, bitch, you're going to the hospital. So. I went to the hospital and then I called my friends at the bar and I was like, hey, who else I've been drinking because I need to ride from the hospital because I got another DWI. And they're all like, oh, my God. So they picked me up.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And then whenever I got sentenced, part of my sentencing was you have to spend a mandatory three days in jail. That is a part of whenever you get a second DWI in Texas. You have that's part of your sentencing. So I quit. had to... That's a part of your sentencing, but also you're supposed to go and serve at least a day or a night in jail for the actual arrest.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like on your second one, you're not allowed to just go to the hospital and then, you know, go through, go to a walkthrough on your second one. I had to go... This is where I wish I wouldn't have blown or done anything and just gone to Irving Jail and just set it out. Because I had to go to county jail, which is Lou Starrett. And Lou Starrett, Dallas Jail is talked about because...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
of what a crazy condition jail that is. It was not a fun time, even though it was only a night. I got out of there and immediately told my attorney, I was like, I don't care what you have to do, but I don't want to go back to jail. I'll pay bukuza money, be on probation for much longer. I don't want to go back to jail. And to spend three days in there, No, like I can't do it.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And he was like, okay, you know, it's going to be more probation time, which I took. So I didn't have to serve the three mandatory days in jail because I would rather be on probation for six months than spend three days in jail. And I know that's crazy to hear, but I hated jail. Like it was crazy.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
The worst, like, physical and mental wake-up call that I had ever had, like, sure, getting fired from that job was the worst wake-up call in the mental sense of, like, me caring about everything that I had lost. But going to jail for that was – and especially in county jail – So awful. I like they don't give you anything.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I just kept on asking for like bologna sandwiches and I piled them up and like would sleep on bologna sandwich. They put us like all in this one cell for like three hours where we were just all together in this one cell with just like benches on it. and just like no direction, no, which obviously I don't, you don't need direction in jail, but it was just such an alarming, like,
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
environment for me to be in. So that was my second DWI. So after my second DWI, I was working at the place where I met my husband and I was also living with one of the daytime bartenders and we worked only mornings together. It was a great little setup. She drank about as much as I did too. And she had been to the hospital multiple times for pancreatitis.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So she understood, we understood each other on a really deep level because we had both experienced being sick from alcohol and the effects that alcohol had on us. And the reason I moved out was because she got pregnant and moved into her own house. And then she got pregnant a second time. And I heard that she was still drinking, but like not near as much, not to the point of like hospitalization.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
a year and a half after the drinking incident at her house. I had been hanging out at random parties and not gotten a handle on my drinking, but knew how to drink and not throw up and wake up on a towel the next day. Oh, and I also had thrown up all over her new Pottery Barn duvet cover. She forgave me for that. So she's a real one for that.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. And then the... Three days before Thanksgiving in 2022, we got a call that said, Ashton's in the hospital. She went in because she thought it was pancreatitis again. It's not. She needs a new liver. We found a new liver for her. She'll be getting a new liver, which I was shocked because Ashton was not secretive about her drinking. They knew that's why she needed a liver.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But then also she was a mom of two. And again, this was my roommate. This was my little drinking buddy. This was somebody I'd been very close with. And they said, you know, she's going to get a new liver tomorrow. She just has to make it through the night and we'll be fine. We get a call the next day, which happened to be on Thanksgiving Day. And she had passed.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
All the toxins had spread to her brain and everything just took over. And she passed away, left her home. Two-month-old and two-year-old. That's what she left behind, and her husband, too. He was also in the service industry. It was an extremely sad funeral. That's probably the first funeral I've ever been to that I've cried so hard and really felt that. And also, it being...
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
You know, she died 2022 on Thanksgiving and I had just gone into rehab 2021 in October around Halloween.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So this was still like pretty fresh. And so her passing from drinking even more. Solidified it for you.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And like I said, me and Ashton, like we really related to each other because she would go to the hospital for drinking and she was like me.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
She did not care. She didn't. And I also think I like back then I was like, why not me? Like, why did I survive going to the hospital and none of that traveling to my brain? And she has two kids. Like, I don't even have kids. I have six dogs. Like, I just I still feel guilty to this day about I just don't know why I survived and she didn't.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But that is the one death that has hit me like really hard. And whenever I was going kind of crazy, I thought that Ashton was like talking to me. Yeah. But I miss her every day and she was a really great person. She was also really nice. Like I know people, you know, will never talk ill of the dead, but she was genuinely like the nicest person. Yeah.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I always envied her because I could never be that nice to people. I'm like, I just have too much of a temper. Like I'm just going to pop off.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No, and I just don't understand. Yeah. But that really shook me. So now I'm going to kind of switch over into the tail end of my addiction and then into addiction. sobriety and everything. Um, so I had continued working at the first job because remember after I got fired from the ranch, I had picked up another two jobs. I always had two jobs because I always felt like I was going to get fired. Um,
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I think it's kind of like a security thing for me at this point, but I've always kind of remained with two jobs. So after I got the second DWI, I just stopped showing up to that other job. Like the first one that had sent me home for drinking or whatever. Yeah. I just stopped showing up. I was like, no. And then I blocked everyone like ghosted. I blocked everyone on my phone.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um, then like six months later, I changed my phone number, like to be heard of and seen never again, like not, not my style. Um, so I just never showed up the second job where I let my, my husband, um, I was working there and I knew he was married. I did. Um,
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But anyways, so we continued like just partying randomly. We were both very involved in sports. I was so involved in cheer. That's like why I moved away from my hometown is for cheer. But I was dating the guy who helped me whenever I had gotten drunk a year and a half later. So like much time had passed. And we ended up, I lost my virginity to him at 16.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I also knew that they were separated and having problems and basically that they haven't been in the same room with each other for about a little over a year now.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um... so we started hanging out like i did with pretty much everybody that i worked with after you know work or after we get off shift and you know drink at my apartment or whatever um or go visit random bars uh in dallas but again i wasn't drinking and driving i was still drinking a ton um and i was still on probation for my second dw i like
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I don't know why, but legal trouble, I was like, okay, like, what are you going to do? And bitch, you'll go to jail. Like, that's what you're going to do. But... I would just stop drinking three days prior to my check in time. And that's three days is what you need to get alcohol out of your system. And I found that out because my former roommate, she was on probation for a DWI operation.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
her second one too, back whenever I had my first and I didn't understand like why she had to stop drinking three days prior to check in until she finally told me like, oh, that's how long alcohol stays in your system. And I was like, oh, okay. So that's how I learned that.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And then a couple of days later, he just completely ignored me. And that's how he broke up with me. And then that was on, like, a Tuesday. And so then Friday I was cheering for the high school football game. And he was up in the stands with his, like, new girlfriend or whatever. And my heart started, like, racing so much. And I had had, like, heart issues before.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And that's how I dealt with my probation was I would only stop three days before check-in and then continue on my drinking spiral. By then I was starting to get sick. By then, I was constantly nauseous. Always nauseous. Always felt like I had to throw up. Always trying to drink just a little sip so I could stop the shakes. I still shake just a little bit. But I was shaking tremendously back then.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I was not only... Drinking to, I wasn't drinking to have fun at that point. I was drinking to help with my DTs. You know, I was drinking to help with the tremors and the detox of it all. Yeah. I wasn't really consuming. It wasn't like this fun time that I once had with, you know, my now husband anymore. It was kind of, it was serious. Yeah.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yes. I just like would throw up and just be bedridden like the whole time. I had like a throw up cup and just like throw up into the cup and dump it out. I mean – disgusting and i don't know why or like what or how max stayed with me my husband for all this but he for some reason did um and so whenever i started to get sick i finally got off probation so this is
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
two years after the second DWI, it's actually three years because it took them a year to sentence me. And so three years after the second DWI, and I was getting really, really sick. Like I actually couldn't stop throwing up. And I had gotten some shifts covered. And by this time I was also living with my now husband.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
his ex-wife had moved out of the house by then and they were already on their way to divorce. I am going to backtrack a little bit. Go ahead. Okay. So after the DWI and whatever, I was getting involved with Max. I did know he was married. I did not care. I was getting sick, but not really. I had taken him to Detroit. He's a Detroit Lions fan.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I had taken him to Detroit and taken him to his first Lions game. And we came back and I saw this lady like running across the tarmac or not the tarmac, the little drop off lanes. I was like, wow, that lady's in a really big hurry. And then just like sitting down with all our baggage, like we just got home from Detroit.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I'm waiting on one of the bartenders that works, you know, at Spirit Grill where we all worked to come pick us up. It was Stephanie. It was his ex-wife. She is right in my face. And she was like, did you have a good time fucking my husband in Detroit? And I was like, holy shit. This is the first time I've actually... If it isn't the consequences of your own actions.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So she was like, did you have fun fucking my husband in Detroit? And I did not say... I'm so proud of myself for this. I did not say a single word. Like... did not say one thing to her, just looked her in her face, got all my bags and just walked away, like to another place. And I was like, Max, you can deal with that. And then I called the bartender and I was like, Craig, where the fuck are you?
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Because... Shit's going down. Shit's going down. Like I need you to get here. So he got there and then she was still kind of like following, cause I had forgotten one bag. I swear it wasn't on purpose, I swear. I really didn't just want to get out of the mess. And so he brought my bag over and like shoved that in, shoved me in and like closed the Jeep door and then we drove off.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And they had had a pretty like volatile relationship. Like that wasn't the first interaction with them that had been aggressive or violent in any way, shape or form. She had been this is way before me, like two years before me. She had been arrested for domestic violence. Um, she had given him like scratches and all kinds of, um, bruising all over his chest and arms and stuff.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And again, this is police documented. I'm not, there's nothing out there that hasn't, you know, been heard or seen before. Um, Um, so she had a history of that. And then, um, we still kept on seeing each other even after the airport run in. Like I clearly did not give a fuck. Um, Then one night I get a call from Max and he was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, what?
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Who knows if it was just anxiety, but... I've been told it was a real heart problem, I had surgery for it, so how much is it anxiety? But I went over to the side of the track after seeing them together and I was like, hey, my heart's acting up, can you take a look at it? And they hooked me up and I was beating at 325 beats per minute. I had AV nodal reentrant tachycardia.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
He was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, okay. And he was getting brought to the hospital. So I didn't know anything. I just got the same bartender who had just picked me up from the airport like a couple weeks ago. I was like, hey, can we go to the hospital? Max is there. And Stephanie stabbed him.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So we get to the hospital and whenever he got home, she had thrown all their furniture out in the middle of the yard. And I mean, like all their belongings, like just out in the middle of the yard. And this was also in May. So like it was nice outside, but it was nighttime. And Max walked in the door and said, I don't know what's going on. I don't have time for it.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I will be calling the police for destruction of property. You have an hour to get out of here. Or no, not an hour. Sorry, scratch that. You have 15 minutes to get out of here. And then I will be calling the police. So please gather your things. I don't care where you're going, but you need to get the fuck out of my face.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So she gathered all of her things and picked up a pair of like grandma sewing scissors and walked by him and just boop, like right here at his chest, right there, dropped them and then walked out. And Max was like, did you just stab me? And she just like drove off to her mom's house, which is like two miles down the road.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So, yeah, he got stabbed in the chest with a pair of sewing scissors because of his ex-wife. I will not take the blame for that at all. Like that's on you, boo. Yeah. Um, I don't think she stabbed him because I was with them. I think their relationship was tumultuous to begin with. Um, I say all that because that is how she got out of the house and that's how I moved in.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um, so it's not like a Cinderella story of like meeting my Prince Charming. I mean... These aren't great things that we're doing, but it's what made me stable enough, insane enough to want to keep going. And like I said, by this time, I was starting to get sick and sick and sick. So I finally got off probation.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And at this time, I am living with Max in the house that he once shared with Stephanie, his ex-wife, that stabbed him. This point, I had been throwing up for three days straight. I couldn't keep down water. I couldn't keep down Pedialyte. I couldn't keep down anything. And I had been throwing up straight for three days. I couldn't get out of bed.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I wasn't peeing anymore because I just had nothing in me. I was dry heaving. Max finally came home from his shift that he had just worked for me. And by the way, Max is working all my shifts for me while I'm just getting sicker than a dog for literally drinking in front of him. So I mean, I really do give him so much credit because he took care of me in ways that literally no one ever has.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So he came home from that shift and he was like, we gotta go to the hospital. Like something's going on. You're not getting better. You're not stopping. So he went to the hospital. Whenever we went into the hospital, I was gray. I was gray and white. I was cold. I just was not looking good. I don't really remember getting checked in. And again, I hadn't drank a single thing.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I couldn't keep anything down. I didn't drink a single thing. And they were like, we don't know what it is, but you just keep on throwing up. We ran your blood work. There's nothing in your system. There was no alcohol. There was no nothing. Mm-hmm. But then they ran my bell work and then they came back and told me that I had alcoholic ketoacidosis.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um, and I knew of him, but like, I didn't really, like I knew his name and I woke up and I was throwing up on the towel cause I had thrown up so much in the trash can and he did everything for me. Like he took care of me. I was very fortunate. Um, I don't know why he took care of me. I don't know.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
which is where you consume all alcohol and you do not eat. So it turns your blood acidic and makes you start perviously vomiting and you literally poison yourself. And if you don't get the fluids and the vitamins and the medicine that you need to combat the alcoholic ketoacidosis,
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
you'll die so I had gone to the hospital and it took me three days to recover from that and three days that means three days until I can like remember like sitting here talking um Those three days I was in and out of sleep. I didn't really know what was going on. Mac said he thought I was going to die. I didn't think I was going to die that time. Like I was like, nah, I'm still okay.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I kept on going to the hospital for the next two years. I kept on going to the hospital for alcoholic ketoacidosis. And that's just how I would get, like, fixed. So I would just get, like.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so what that is, is you're born with wires and there's 12. So like one, two, three, four, four sets of three. Okay. And then one wire breaks off whenever you're born. So you have two and two by the time that you're two years old. Okay. So one of my wires didn't break off. So I had two, two, two, and three. And so this one was causing interference with the other two.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No. Okay. I had no interest in eating. Like, zero interest in eating. I was 105 pounds at the time. Now I'm 140 and I'm, like, healthy in my weight and everything. But, yeah, even dropping 35 pounds is just, you know, crazy. But I... That hospital visit is kind of what made me not reconsider how much I was drinking. It's what made me be like, oh, I can get fucked up and then I can go get fixed.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
You know, like I can go to the hospital and just check in and three days later I'll be fine.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. I'm not a doctor and I have no interest in the medical field. So I'll be honest with you. Like I haven't done anything. a ton of medical research on alcoholic ketoacidosis, but all I know is my symptoms, what I experienced, and what the doctors told me, and that's good enough for me.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No, literally. Okay. I was like... And? Pick a bigger consequence. Because at this point, I already had two DWIs. I'd already been in the hospital for alcoholic ketoacidosis. I didn't care. Right. So that all happened. And then... About a year, two years into doing that, I got a message from one of my old bar managers at that job that I loved that I had gotten fired from.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. Okay. And her name is Bonnie. And she messaged me and she was like, hey, girl, you want a big girl job? And I was like, yes, absolutely. Like, please save me. Like, I'm working at Green Gator. Like, I'm tortured. Yeah. And she was like, OK, cool. You know, we're going to go meet at Spex. And that's a big liquor company for Texas. And I was like, OK, cool. And I didn't know what I was doing.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
All I knew was that I could get out of the service industry and here was my chance. To really make something of myself. Like, I didn't care how I was getting it. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care if I was working in a warehouse. I was like, finally, some health insurance and something to keep me on my shit.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Because I also respected the hell out of Bonnie. Bonnie is the one who taught me how to bartend. Bonnie is the one who... I roomed with whenever I was on those trips to do speed rack. Bonnie is the one who helped me get all those private events outside of the ranch, making extra money. You know, she really took me under her wing and she really saw so much potential in me.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I still, I just light up when I talk about her. I love her so much. Yeah. So she messaged me and then I went and interviewed at Specs and I was like, you know, this is what I'm doing. I'm working, you know, bartending, blah, blah, blah. She was like, okay, well, you'll be a sales rep here. And I was like, okay. And then I started and everything was going good.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I, my drinking wasn't under control, but it was under control enough to where I would just save getting sick for those three days for the weekend. So like by Friday, I would kind of be like, I'm going to fucking throw up all weekend. But again, I was trying to make it work. I was slowly trying to get out of my alcoholism. But... It's hard to do on your own. Yeah. I like to. Yeah. And then...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I don't know. Again, this is so not confusing to me, but this is all so much for me to talk about because, again, there was not a traumatic event. Like, nothing happened for me to be like, oh, I'm going to get out of my fucking mind tonight because this person touched me or, you know, hurt me or whatever. Nothing like that happened. So, yeah. I started to slack off at the job.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And that is not like me. And body knows that's not like me. If you've heard my story this whole time.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. And again, people have kept me even despite my mistakes, which... I wouldn't have, but anyways. So I got the job. I was doing really good, kind of a little slip up. And then I started slacking off because I was just getting too sick. I could not get up and go to work. And... Bonnie was like, you know, you're going to have to have a meeting with me tomorrow.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And we have to discuss like we have some serious things to discuss. And I knew what was coming. Like, I'm not fucking stupid. Bonnie's not fucking stupid.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so that was what was making my heart race dramatically. So I had AV nodal re-entrant tachycardia, like I said. And then I had a catheter ablation to fix it, which is they just go in through underneath your collarbone and then right here in your groin. The reason I'm telling this story is because about a week after surgery, I still had the bandages underneath here and here.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Sometimes, but not as often. I was just kind of like doing it at home. Got it. Like I just would like by that point, I knew that I could take like small little sips of Pedialyte. And then like I knew I could eat, you know, Jell-O and slowly ease myself back into things or like sip on chicken broth. Yeah.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So, I just, like, I kind of stopped going to the hospital, too, because I was also, like, so embarrassed that I kept on needing that treatment.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And they, like, I was seeing the same people, you know? Right. They're like, here's this fucking Maddie Evans bitch again. But... She was like, you know, we're going to have a meeting tomorrow. And I was like, fuck. So I got so fucking out of my mind that night. Like, I did not want to wake up. This was the night before the meeting? The night before the meeting.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was only at this job for, uh, three months. Okay. Yeah. Um, and I was already having a talking to, um, and I got so out of my mind. I did not want to go to that meeting. Like I fully went to sleep with like not, and I was taking, again, I was just drinking a shit ton and I took like, um,
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Fucking ibuprofen, antihistamines like Benadryl, NyQuil, like anything I could do to like alter my state, I was taking that night. And of course I woke up the next day and told Bonnie, I was like, I tried to call myself last night. Like I... I can't have this meeting. Like, just don't even talk to me about it. And she was like, OK, well, that's not OK. Like, let's get you some help.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Let's get you some treatment. It's been three months. Guess what? You have now health insurance.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I was like, what? And this is the first time that anybody has ever been like, sorry, you're too much of a liability. I've got to find another job, sweetheart. This is the first time that somebody's been like, this is not okay. Like what you're doing is not okay. What happened is not okay. Let's get you.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. So I found and she goes, and also you can't work here anymore if you don't go get help. So I was like, okay. Now I'm going to go get help. So I was the one who found the rehab facility and I was the one who paid for it. Like I had to put down, you know, your insurance doesn't start paying for stuff until you pay off your first, what is that called?
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I know what you're talking about. You have to like meet a certain minimum. Yeah. Whatever that's called. Okay. Yeah. I know what you're talking about though. Anyways. And so I still had to put down $6,400 to go into treatment. And I did. I still had $6,400. I had $3,000 and then Max had $3,000. Okay. And so we just both emptied out our bank accounts to put me into treatment. I got in.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I had the best time. How long were you there for? 30 days. Okay. Okay. No, 28 days. I cried whenever I had to leave. I did not want to go. I had the best time. I met the best people. I had my own room, my own bathroom. I liked the schedule we were on. I loved my therapist. I had a hell of a time in rehab.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No, because again, remember how I told you that I had become embarrassed by that time and I was just detoxing by myself at home?
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Which by the way, please don't ever detox itself by your home or please don't detox itself by...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
It's so dangerous. And I could have died. But no, whenever I went in there, I had. And also that was on a Friday that we were supposed to have that meeting. So Thursday, I tried to kill myself. Friday, I told Bonnie about it. And then I spent the entire weekend. finding places, like who takes my insurance? What do I have to pay? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Till I finally found this place.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I love this place. It was called Fort Behavioral. Love the girls. Good. Love the therapist. I loved everything about that place. We got to go on walks and it was a good time of year. It was Halloween. It's a good time of year. Yeah, me too. And I don't know. It was just...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. I really did enjoy rehabbing. I don't. And like I said, I'm sure it's a combination of the people I was there with where we just clicked, you know. Oh, and Bonnie also came and visited me at the treatment center while I was in rehab. I mean, just phenomenal, amazing person.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And I went out to a little party with my friend from the house party years before, and I drank. And on our way back, she was driving, we got pulled over. So that was kind of my first experience with getting pulled over after I'd been drinking at 16 years old. And he was like, have y'all been drinking? I can smell alcohol. And we were like, no. Like, of course, tonight, everything.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So then I get out of rehab and then I start getting into specs and selling and specs, by the way, is selling alcohol, beer, wine, cigars, everything you need for a bar, everything you can think of for a bar, like bar mats. Dump sinks, everything. We sold, we sell it. So you were back at the same job. Yes. I took, I took FMLA and went on leave for a month and a half.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So by that time I was coming back, I was coming back and it only been five months since I had worked there. But I went in full force. I knew what I needed to do. I knew I was clear-headed. I felt so good. And I did so good. My sales increased from $200,000 to I think whenever I left there, I was selling... 780,000. And that's a month. That's not per year, that's per month.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I was doing really well. I had all my shit together. I was going to see a therapist, a psychiatrist, and all this other thing. And you were sober at this time, right? I've remained sober since.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So and that just proves to me that I clearly was done with it. But yeah, since and then I also have that tattooed inside my arm. It says to the girl I once was, I forgive you with my sober date of 10, 22, 21 underneath it. Mm hmm. And that was a sign that was in my therapist's office for behavioral, the rehab that I went to. So that's why I kind of got that tattooed on me.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But anyways, so I was doing really good. I continued to do really good for about a year. And then I fell into a little bit of like some depression. Yeah. I never experienced it like this before because also I had been drinking since I was 14. Yeah. So I really didn't know how to handle it. I was talking to all my doctors because, again, at this time I was seeing a therapist.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was seeing a psychiatrist. And then I was also seeing a doctor. nurse practitioner, and he specialized in addiction and addiction behavior. And so I was getting this shot called... It's this shot. Oh, Vivitrol. I was getting this shot called Vivitrol injected once a month. Why does it sound familiar? So Vivitrol is used for opioid and alcohol addiction. And it is meant to make you...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
not as addicted or like it's meant to be kind of like, not kind of like Suboxone, but like, In the same way. Right. Where it doesn't make you like crave it or it doesn't make you. And also, if you drink or do opioids on it, you'll get so sick.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So that's another huge return. I was like, bitch, you just got out of going to the hospital for five years. Like, can we please give our body a break? My God. Yeah. So I was getting the Vivitrol injections and then I was also dealing with a lot of depression. And despite him upping my meds, despite everything else, you know, me upping my meds. therapy sessions, nothing was really helping me.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And so he recommended this treatment called TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. And it's really good. It does help people with depression. I do actually recommend it. Okay. But I also... Took that and ran with it like I do everything else. So you're only supposed to have 60 sessions. So you go like once a day and you get the treatment.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So they put this little device on top of your head and it literally like stimulates portions of your brain that are supposed to like make you happy. Wow, okay. Yeah. And the first treatment- And once a day for 60 days? Yeah. Is that what it is? Okay. And once I did the first treatment, I felt amazing. Like I've never felt this good in my life. I've never been this happy, never been this motivated.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I was getting up at six in the morning, going at my treatment, coming home, like fully doing all the floors and cleaning the entire house and then going to work. Like I was on top of it. So since I did so well, I asked if I could get a second round. And they said yes, of course, because my insurance covered it. And I had really great insurance at the time.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And we both got out and did sobriety tests and both passed it. I don't know how, what was going on. But somehow, by the grace of God, I passed. like got out of that. And I think it was because I could show him that I had just gotten out of surgery. I honestly, I think that's the only reason we got out of it. But that was kind of like my first interaction with the police.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I did not respond well to this treatment the second time. I started getting so paranoid. I thought people were following me. I went manic. I started talking to my customers all crazy. I was still at this job. I thought... Was it like just too much? Yeah.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. It was just like overstimulating. And like I... I can't blame anything else other than the TMS. It's just like one day, like I thought Max was cheating on me with like zero, zero evidence. Like Max is really at home sleeping in bed. I have his location and I'm literally like, oh, the neighbor sleep, the neighbor skipping over and like fucking him.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like, I have no idea where these thoughts came from, what triggered it or like what was going on, but I needed help again.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And also, in a weird way, I think selling it also kind of helped me too because selling it, it's so regulated and everything is so much accounted for that you cannot get away with opening a bottle and drinking half of it and then going trying to drop that bottle off to a bar to sell it. You can't get away with that. So that's also something that really helped me at that job was...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No, not just seeing it. I think the only reason, like the only way I really kind of miss it is like after those shifts or like after a long day or like at our Christmas party, you know, like everybody was drinking at our Christmas party.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. But honestly, as long as I can have a shot of Coke with everybody else whenever they're all cheersing or if I can drink sparkling water out of a wine glass, that'll make me feel better about it. But it's just small things like that that I do. Right. So whenever I started going crazy and manic, Bonnie stepped in again because she's my boss. Yeah. She was like, hey, girl.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But this time I was like, I don't need rehab. And I'm not going to a mental hospital. I don't need that. I'm just going to try to ride this out. I don't know what to tell you, but I'm not taking off. And Bonnie was like, OK. I mean, there's nothing else I can do. So then I just kind of stopped working. I just kind of got in my own head like,
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
just cooped up in the house in my room just going stir crazy destroying property like destroying my phone um getting new number like I got two new numbers um just insane behavior uh finally 2023 April 1st Bonnie calls me and she said hey we can't do this anymore like yeah love you but
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
go figure shit out and I was like respectfully I know and so a month after that after I lost all my insurance and everything I did end up checking into a mental facility it was called Carrollton Springs Hospital and I did not have a good time there I was there for 10 days I hated every single second of it I
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Really, yeah. And it was so fucking bad. Like, I shared a room and not that I mind sharing a room. I grew up with a sister. Like, we shared a room all of our lives, but... it's just in that environment and whenever I felt so sensitive and so vulnerable and also like, mind you, I thought people were following me. I'm paranoid as hell. So I think everything and everybody is out to get me.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
and me knowing that I messed up and that I was potentially going to get in trouble for it.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I was in there for 10 days. They did put me back on medication, different medication.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
did they diagnose you with anything uh they diagnosed me with acute mania okay so i had mania for a short period of time and then severe depression and severe anxiety so i've already been diagnosed with severe depression anxiety yeah just the acute mania was like their official diagnosis so what medicine did they put you on do what what medicine did they put you on um Cymbalta. Okay.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And another drug that is a mood stabilizer. Did you feel like it helped you? I did. I did have to end up getting off those drugs because they do put me out. Like, I was constantly sleepy.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was constantly sleepy. But that was so much better because... Prior to that, I was awake 24-7, paranoid out of my fucking mind. So it was kind of nice to be sedated a little bit. To have like that break. Yeah. But it also made me very hungry. So I gained a lot of weight. I got up to 200 pounds. And again, right now I'm 140. So I'm, you know, I just lost this weight just this last year. Yeah.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But I got out of the mental hospital and now I've been doing fine ever since. But that is kind of where I'm at now is I'm out of the mental hospital in 2023. And now.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I know. And that's why I think it was the TMS. Right. Because there's literally I mean, yes, I'm on a different anti-anxiety antidepressant. OK. Like back when the mania started, I was on Lexapro and Trazodone to help me sleep at night.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Okay, that's good. They said that I could take beta blockers afterwards, like if any problems arose. But the reason they cauterized it is because... They said no problems will ever occur. You may feel like you're going to get into that again, like where your heart's going to start like crazy racing and you're going to hyperventilate. But what they cauterized will fix it. So I felt it before. Yeah.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Okay. And then whenever I went into the mental hospital, they switched me to Cymbalta and another antipsychotic drug that I can't even think of right now. And that made me gain a lot of weight, but again, it made me stable. So I did hate the 10 days. It's awful. I don't recommend. But unfortunately, they did what they were supposed to do, you know.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. And like I said, I do think the main purpose or at least I think the main purpose for me going into that was to get me back on the right medication. Right. Or just the right medication to stabilize me enough to get out of there.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And then after I gained all the weight, she I had started to gain weight and I gained probably like thirty five pounds. And I talked to my psychiatrist and she was like, OK, well, let's try to switch you off of these drugs because they are making you tired. They are making you hungry. They do have side effects.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I understand that you're mentally in a place where you want to be, but now you're not physically in a place where you want to be. So let's switch you to Prozac and try to get you off those sleeping pills. And so ever since then, I'm literally just take Prozac and this other like hormonal thing. Yeah. But that's like. And as long as it's working for you, that's all that matters.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Everything is fine now. I don't see a therapist anymore. My insurance that I have now doesn't cover her. And I really built a relationship with her. So if I want to go back, I'll just pay for her. Yeah. But now I work for because I got fired from that job at Specs. I just stopped showing up. I got fired for job abandonment.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Because I just abandoned my responsibilities and just went crazy. So then I found a job on Indeed with a brewing company out of Austin. And I run the Metroplex for the brewing company.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I love it. It does give me a lot of freedom on the weekends, which is why I said I'm still in the service industry. I work at the golf course on the weekends.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
It's a little NFL themed. It's the only NFL themed in the world. Cowboys golf course. And I really like it there. You get to drive around in your little golf cart.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I know. I have fun on the weekends. That's good. And then during the weekday, you know, I work for the brewing company, so I'm still on a daily basis selling alcohol.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yes, I am. Just not as much. And she is now running like that entire team at Specs. You know, she, of course, advances because she is Bonnie. Yeah. But not as much as I would like to, but enough.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
That. Oh, and then I also called her while I was in treatment at the mental hospital, too. I was only allowed one visitor and I wanted my mom.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Okay. My punishment for the first time that I snuck out of the house and got drunk at that place and threw up on a towel, my punishment was my hangover.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yes, they are very aware of it, but I definitely try to hide it from them. Like I lied about my first one. Um, and I also like lied about a bunch of stuff. So I lost my parents' trust in that and kind of still building it back. Right. Um, And like the second one, they straight up called me and they're like, what happened? And I was like, I got a PI. Yeah. And my mom was like, what happened?
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was like, I got my second DWI. She was like, why do you keep on doing this? Like, what is wrong with you?
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
That's scary. Yeah. Yeah. But the surgery fixed it and I was back drinking a week later. After that run in with the police, I kind of started focusing on a different friend group and really got into the sport I was in, which was cheer and really fell in love with that. It was a healthy habit. And so from like 16 to 18, I really didn't drink.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I've definitely disappointed them. But again, they've never really... And that's not their fault. Like, them punishing me because I drank to oblivion is crazy work. Like...
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So I don't wish or like think back on it and be like, oh, I wish I would have gotten like punished more and that would have held me back. No. Like literally nothing was holding me back.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. And then after my first one, my dad had gotten his second. Okay. His second DWI and he got it while on a boat with my sister and my mom. So he got a boating while intoxicated, a BWI. Okay.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yes, ma'am. Okay. So the same time I got my first DWI, dad was dealing with the BWI. So my parents were like not in a good place, you know. But through all of this, my dad said stuff to me, but I've also been like, go fuck yourself because you're an alcoholic too. And so I've also kind of blamed him.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
No. I'm also not religious. I grew up religious, but now I'm not like disgusted by it, but it's just like something that I feel very strongly about not participating in. Yeah. So that's why I've really found no – Desire. Because it is really faith-focused, and that's fine.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I didn't know that. Yeah. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum, and that is okay.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So, yes, I did go to AA meetings, but only because I was required by law. Other than that, no, absolutely. I did kind of like the victim impact statements or not the victim impact statements. It was some kind of like statement where like you had to go to a courthouse and other people who have gotten in trouble for DWIs and stuff like that come out and tell their story.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So it's not victim impact. I don't think I think it's like some other type of thing.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But I did like that. Like that part of the punishment I found interesting. But again, I find people telling their stories interesting.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was hyper focused on cheer and where I could go to college and doing it competitively and doing it for my school. And I was in the best shape of my life and I had a community, you know, around me and I just fell in love. So around my senior year, I started trying out for different colleges, and I tried out for a college two hours north of my hometown in Dallas.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
And that's considered alcoholism in the eyes of like the health care system now. So it is interesting to me that people don't want to recognize that that is actually functioning alcoholism.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Well, and not only that, but like, I have this girl recently at work on the golf course. She asked me, she was like, cause she found out, you know, I was an alcoholic or whatever. And she was like, well, did she like drink every day? And I was like, yeah, like to stay alive, like to be awake and to not shake. Like I didn't drink to like, Have fun.
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Alcohol Destroyed My Life
I was drinking to get rid of my, you know, like tremors and stuff.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. You know, like. And that's what I tried to tell her. I was like, you know, I ended up here, but also I wasn't your like, you know, what you think of as your average alcoholic drinking every day. I didn't start out like that.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like, it took years of drinking and many consequences to get me to that place. Right.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. I don't wish it on really anyone. But also going back to her asking me that and kind of touching on what you said, I love that she asked me, oh, well, were you drinking every day? And I just kind of wanted to turn around and be like, you don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Hannah, you can drink three times on the weekend and that is plenty enough for you to be considered an alcoholic.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. Yeah. And something stops you. Like I said, I didn't really have anything traumatic. It was just kind of me going and going and going. Right. But I am really lucky to have found the support system that I have now.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
My hometown is a small hometown two hours south of Dallas. It's small, but it's also next to a Army base. So we also had a much bigger population on our school. Like, I graduated with 711 kids. Wow. So, I mean, we were still big considering the size of the town.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
really what you know provoked him to do that but I thank him and I ended up um dating him later on but so quick question for you I already have a question so you said that you started drinking at 14 were you in high school yeah I just I
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But also that made for a competitive environment. And I really like engulfed myself in that environment. Like I just emerged myself into that environment. Of the competitive energy and just like go, go, go to be the best or like to try to make yourself stand out. So and we also had a lake. So I grew up on a barge and on a boat and my aunt had jet skis and everything.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
you know there was still plenty to do but then also with growing up on the barge and the boat and the lake also there was drinking yeah um so you know when I say I grew up not really around drinking but kind of that's what I mean because it was always around but nobody ever got like out of their mind, drunk around, not that I remember, like not around me and my sister or anything.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So I never really seen like any drunk behavior until I started doing it, you know, myself and experiencing it with my friends. So I made the cheer team up here or up there in Dallas. And started cheering for them, started going to their practices. Um, and then I realized how hard it was going to be, um, school working.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Cause my parents cannot afford, like I took out, I'm still paying on those loans. Like, you know, my parents couldn't really afford for me to go move up to Dallas. I had to work to pay for everything. Um, And so I was working two jobs and trying to go to school and trying to keep up with cheer. So I just kind of let that cheer thing go, which I look back on and I'm so sad about.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Um, that was a really great distraction for me and that really did keep me healthy.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Yeah. Um, and like whenever I moved up here, I was also like one of my two jobs was cheering, uh, coaching. And so like, that was a really fun job for me. Um, and And in fact, the lady who got me the coaching job up in Dallas, she's the mother of the boy who took care of me whenever I was 14 and later on lost my virginity too. So it's just like... Small world. I know.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But yeah, that kind of devastated me. Losing or having to give it up because I have to make a living. You know what I mean? So that was kind of.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
So you can't really get scholarships for cheer. You can get scholarships for like gymnastics and aerobatics team, a rope. team. But cheer has never been considered a sport unless things have changed. But whenever I went to school in 2011, that was not a thing. I moved up here and like I said, I was coaching cheer, but whenever I decided to quit, I quit cheer altogether.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
Like I was, I didn't want any ties to it. I think that was also kind of the reason I'm so sad about it is because I really did just like cut that part out of my life. I was like, I don't have time for this. It's not making me money. I'm barely making enough to survive. And I only need 625 a month for rent. So like, let's get going girl.
We're All Insane
Alcohol Destroyed My Life
But so I did start getting into the service industry and I'm still in the service industry now. I love it. I it's a love hate relationship, but I will I feel like I'll forever be entwined in it. With the service industry also comes, you know, the service industry people who all like to drink and smoke pot and do coke and get fucked up after work. And that's how we cope.