Luenell

I always looked up to Roseanne, right? Because she was everything. We all did. She was unique. There was nobody like her. She was white trash. She was sad. She was not that attractive. She had all those kids. And everybody told her, you can't be shit. And then she was. Then she took over everything. And she was a big influence to me. Same. And all that kind of stuff.

I always looked up to Roseanne, right? Because she was everything. We all did. She was unique. There was nobody like her. She was white trash. She was sad. She was not that attractive. She had all those kids. And everybody told her, you can't be shit. And then she was. Then she took over everything. And she was a big influence to me. Same. And all that kind of stuff.

Absolut. Er hat eine Bilder mit mir gemacht. Okay, gut. Aber das war 50 Jahre später.

Absolut. Er hat eine Bilder mit mir gemacht. Okay, gut. Aber das war 50 Jahre später.

Don't make me go on my phone. And worse than my phone, don't make me pull out my VHS tapes.

Don't make me go on my phone. And worse than my phone, don't make me pull out my VHS tapes.

I do love an old tape.

I do love an old tape.

We need to be smaller than that, but okay. Sie hat gesagt, dass sie schuldig ist. Ich habe mich gerade erkannt.

We need to be smaller than that, but okay. Sie hat gesagt, dass sie schuldig ist. Ich habe mich gerade erkannt.

Ich wette, dass ihr Noten habt. Ich möchte wissen, wer sonst hier sitzt. Wir sind so erfreut.

Ich wette, dass ihr Noten habt. Ich möchte wissen, wer sonst hier sitzt. Wir sind so erfreut.

Ja, Cheech and Chong. Ich habe einen mexikanischen Mann getroffen. Und ich habe ihm... Oh, I love it, I love it.

Ja, Cheech and Chong. Ich habe einen mexikanischen Mann getroffen. Und ich habe ihm... Oh, I love it, I love it.

Also ich habe gestern gesehen, was war das, das sie genannt haben? Es waren diese vier Männer. Ja, Ron Green, was war sein Name? Er trinkte.

Also ich habe gestern gesehen, was war das, das sie genannt haben? Es waren diese vier Männer. Ja, Ron Green, was war sein Name? Er trinkte.

Ron White.

Ron White.

Those guys. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching them yesterday. Yeah. It was an old time thing. I know.

Those guys. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching them yesterday. Yeah. It was an old time thing. I know.

Because I met Ron Green. He was drinking and he was a monster. Ron White. Ron White. What a green. And then, yeah, they were fun guys. They were on to something.

Because I met Ron Green. He was drinking and he was a monster. Ron White. Ron White. What a green. And then, yeah, they were fun guys. They were on to something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I quit for four weeks until right now. Nice. Nice.

I quit for four weeks until right now. Nice. Nice.

I know, I don't have any perks.

I know, I don't have any perks.

I loved every pill. I took a, what is that other shit? I took a Xanax. It did nothing to me. How much? I took what I went to bed because I said something happened.

I loved every pill. I took a, what is that other shit? I took a Xanax. It did nothing to me. How much? I took what I went to bed because I said something happened.

A zanny bar.

A zanny bar.

Oh my God, I don't know. I took one pill. You probably took a... And I laid down to wait for something to happen. Nothing happened. I went to sleep.

Oh my God, I don't know. I took one pill. You probably took a... And I laid down to wait for something to happen. Nothing happened. I went to sleep.

You gotta mix it. Yeah, I'm fucking a little chef in here.

You gotta mix it. Yeah, I'm fucking a little chef in here.

Und dann bin ich ins Gefängnis gegangen und als ich im Gefängnis war, gab es keine Bibliothek, aber es gab ein Magazin oder ein Buch auf dem Boden. Ja. Und so gab es ein Buch auf dem Boden und ich habe es gekauft und es war Rosannes Autobiografie.

Und dann bin ich ins Gefängnis gegangen und als ich im Gefängnis war, gab es keine Bibliothek, aber es gab ein Magazin oder ein Buch auf dem Boden. Ja. Und so gab es ein Buch auf dem Boden und ich habe es gekauft und es war Rosannes Autobiografie.

See these bitches, how do they get these? I don't know. My nieces had two guys back to back to cook. Oh, it's a gift. Then my daughter's got a guy who cooks. It's a gift. And all the men, all the goons I fuck with, they can't fucking do nothing. The goons I fuck with.

See these bitches, how do they get these? I don't know. My nieces had two guys back to back to cook. Oh, it's a gift. Then my daughter's got a guy who cooks. It's a gift. And all the men, all the goons I fuck with, they can't fucking do nothing. The goons I fuck with.

They do not. We cannot get fucked.

They do not. We cannot get fucked.

To get ladies? Yes!

To get ladies? Yes!

They do not like us. I'll tell you right now. I'm more concerned about why this batter is brown though. That glass is falling apart.

They do not like us. I'll tell you right now. I'm more concerned about why this batter is brown though. That glass is falling apart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've done it a million times. Oh! Be careful. I was like this one time in the club and pulled a guy and he got all back to the house. He got all embarrassed and said, you pulled me like I was a bitch. Like I was a bitch. I said, you are. Pull off your clothes and shut the fuck up. And I'll bet he was a happy bitch.

I've done it a million times. Oh! Be careful. I was like this one time in the club and pulled a guy and he got all back to the house. He got all embarrassed and said, you pulled me like I was a bitch. Like I was a bitch. I said, you are. Pull off your clothes and shut the fuck up. And I'll bet he was a happy bitch.

That's right. Happy. Leave him happy. Those are the good old days.

That's right. Happy. Leave him happy. Those are the good old days.

No, Kathy, you don't give that I want to fuck. I give that.

No, Kathy, you don't give that I want to fuck. I give that.

A year and two months.

A year and two months.

Auf dem Boden des Gefängnisses. Okay. I read it and when I finished it, they called me to get released from jail. So then she was coming to the comedy store. So I wanted to go to the comedy store. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to tell her that story. I did. And then she invited me to come to her HBO taping and then I did. And then we became friends. And then we started hanging out a little bit.

Auf dem Boden des Gefängnisses. Okay. I read it and when I finished it, they called me to get released from jail. So then she was coming to the comedy store. So I wanted to go to the comedy store. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to tell her that story. I did. And then she invited me to come to her HBO taping and then I did. And then we became friends. And then we started hanging out a little bit.

Nein, aber wir können für eine Weile ohne es gehen, weil es ist, weißt du, du kannst nicht einfach deine Kleider aus dem Kopf von jemandem holen. Du musst dich dazu arbeiten. Du musst vielleicht wie ich, aber nicht in den alten Tagen, aber jetzt. Ja.

Nein, aber wir können für eine Weile ohne es gehen, weil es ist, weißt du, du kannst nicht einfach deine Kleider aus dem Kopf von jemandem holen. Du musst dich dazu arbeiten. Du musst vielleicht wie ich, aber nicht in den alten Tagen, aber jetzt. Ja.

It was go time. You... See, I used to watch My Life on the D-List.

It was go time. You... See, I used to watch My Life on the D-List.

Yes. And I remember you telling a story about... Was sind deine Hunde-Namen? Was ist der große?

Yes. And I remember you telling a story about... Was sind deine Hunde-Namen? Was ist der große?

Chance und Pom-Pom haben sich in einem Hotel verlassen. Und du hast sie in deinem Unterhaut gefangen.

Chance und Pom-Pom haben sich in einem Hotel verlassen. Und du hast sie in deinem Unterhaut gefangen.

Kennst du diese Geschichte?

Kennst du diese Geschichte?

Das ist so süß, ich sterbe.

Das ist so süß, ich sterbe.

And I used to, I don't know why, I just got intrigued with you years ago. I think because I like ballsy chicks. I don't like, I like bitches like, what is it? That's all I know how to do. If you're going to be in this business, I believe you're going to do comedy and do it well. You got to be able to risk it all. Risk your fucking family, risk the cancellation.

And I used to, I don't know why, I just got intrigued with you years ago. I think because I like ballsy chicks. I don't like, I like bitches like, what is it? That's all I know how to do. If you're going to be in this business, I believe you're going to do comedy and do it well. You got to be able to risk it all. Risk your fucking family, risk the cancellation.

I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.

No. What is it? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. matter what i did and tell people's neighbors and sometimes telling them oh your sister is so funny and they were like look at him shut up i'm concerned oh my god you get away with any crime

No. What is it? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. matter what i did and tell people's neighbors and sometimes telling them oh your sister is so funny and they were like look at him shut up i'm concerned oh my god you get away with any crime

Don't touch the fake hair, honey. That's not fake.

Don't touch the fake hair, honey. That's not fake.

The graves are from the gay men. That's right. Okay, can I be honest? I'm about to tell a story. It's gonna take five minutes. Okay, yes. First of all, Really? Of course I know Josh Wolf. He always does. I didn't really eat a mushroom, but I did eat some mushroom dust. And I'm in the words of the greats feeling no pain right now.

The graves are from the gay men. That's right. Okay, can I be honest? I'm about to tell a story. It's gonna take five minutes. Okay, yes. First of all, Really? Of course I know Josh Wolf. He always does. I didn't really eat a mushroom, but I did eat some mushroom dust. And I'm in the words of the greats feeling no pain right now.

And then we went to, it was called Shanghai Reds in Marina Del Rey. And so she used to get really, really drunk. I don't know if she was drunk and all the pills were really drunk. Because she had to call her boyfriend Johnny to come pick her up. I remember Johnny. Good looking Johnny.

And then we went to, it was called Shanghai Reds in Marina Del Rey. And so she used to get really, really drunk. I don't know if she was drunk and all the pills were really drunk. Because she had to call her boyfriend Johnny to come pick her up. I remember Johnny. Good looking Johnny.

So fun. Now, the reason I have my napkin like the little tablecloth is because many years ago I was incarcerated in Twin Towers Correctional Facility on Cesar Chavez Boulevard downtown.

So fun. Now, the reason I have my napkin like the little tablecloth is because many years ago I was incarcerated in Twin Towers Correctional Facility on Cesar Chavez Boulevard downtown.

How much time did you spend in jail? Four months, 18 days.

How much time did you spend in jail? Four months, 18 days.

Bitch, it was the worst. How did you do it? I'll tell you after Ivy. Okay, okay.

Bitch, it was the worst. How did you do it? I'll tell you after Ivy. Okay, okay.

And drink. I fell off the wagon for you, just for you.

And drink. I fell off the wagon for you, just for you.

The jailhouse jumpsuits and shit are short sleeves. They're right to here. Yeah. But everything in jail is metal. So I eat like this. So I'm very sensitive. What do you call that? I have an impressive memory about my arms being cold when you write a letter. Your arms are cold when you eat. So I can't have my arms like that. It bothers me.

The jailhouse jumpsuits and shit are short sleeves. They're right to here. Yeah. But everything in jail is metal. So I eat like this. So I'm very sensitive. What do you call that? I have an impressive memory about my arms being cold when you write a letter. Your arms are cold when you eat. So I can't have my arms like that. It bothers me.

It's not.

It's not.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Oh, he did? I thought he was dead.

Oh, he did? I thought he was dead.

Aber wenn du den Dokumentarfilm gesehen hast, wirst du wissen, warum er verrückt ist. Ja. Weil niemand ihn so lieben kann, wie seine Mutter ihn liebt. Ja. Ich habe ihn nicht gesehen. Donda? Ich habe Donda nicht gesehen, ja. Niemand kann ihm die Affirmationen geben. Dann hat er sie über die... Oh, hör auf! Oh mein Gott!

Aber wenn du den Dokumentarfilm gesehen hast, wirst du wissen, warum er verrückt ist. Ja. Weil niemand ihn so lieben kann, wie seine Mutter ihn liebt. Ja. Ich habe ihn nicht gesehen. Donda? Ich habe Donda nicht gesehen, ja. Niemand kann ihm die Affirmationen geben. Dann hat er sie über die... Oh, hör auf! Oh mein Gott!

Sie ist überrascht.

Sie ist überrascht.

Are you stalking my page?

Are you stalking my page?

I ain't kissing nobody.

I ain't kissing nobody.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Ich denke immer an das Fisch-Sandwich.

Ich denke immer an das Fisch-Sandwich.

Really? Leo.

Really? Leo.

He's fine as frog's hair. Fine as frog's hair? Yeah, I'm pretty fine. I've never heard that before. I know, it's a black thing. Fine as frog's hair? If I stay here for half a day, you'll be so up on your black shit that tomato's not ripe anyway.

He's fine as frog's hair. Fine as frog's hair? Yeah, I'm pretty fine. I've never heard that before. I know, it's a black thing. Fine as frog's hair? If I stay here for half a day, you'll be so up on your black shit that tomato's not ripe anyway.

No, but I... I want some of that big pickled tartar sauce on my bread.

No, but I... I want some of that big pickled tartar sauce on my bread.

You have to watch that really good. It's still got the root on it. Sorry!

You have to watch that really good. It's still got the root on it. Sorry!

You don't cook, so you would mother the root on the bottom.

You don't cook, so you would mother the root on the bottom.

I thought it was a biscuit.

I thought it was a biscuit.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

I got you. I'm gonna crisp up our fries. I'm just asking.

I got you. I'm gonna crisp up our fries. I'm just asking.

Well, we got caviar, so why not truffle oil?

Well, we got caviar, so why not truffle oil?

No, I like Mexicans. I like Latinos and stuff. No, fuck, here's what it is. Latin men like me. So I fuck with who fucks with me. Are those close?

No, I like Mexicans. I like Latinos and stuff. No, fuck, here's what it is. Latin men like me. So I fuck with who fucks with me. Are those close?

Du bist ein Star. Du hast nichts zu tun. Es war um 1 Uhr in der fucking Morgen. Wir waren in Paris Hilton. Und Sia. Und Sia. Und diese Bitch wollte in Randys fucking Donuts in England reinlassen. Weil wir das Madonna-Konzert lieben. Warum hast du nicht eine Maske an, die sagt, robbe mich, fuck mich, schiebe mich und lasse mich auf der Seite der Straße?

Du bist ein Star. Du hast nichts zu tun. Es war um 1 Uhr in der fucking Morgen. Wir waren in Paris Hilton. Und Sia. Und Sia. Und diese Bitch wollte in Randys fucking Donuts in England reinlassen. Weil wir das Madonna-Konzert lieben. Warum hast du nicht eine Maske an, die sagt, robbe mich, fuck mich, schiebe mich und lasse mich auf der Seite der Straße?

I'll do that. Rob me, fuck me, shoot me. Don't be shy with the salt on the fries.

I'll do that. Rob me, fuck me, shoot me. Don't be shy with the salt on the fries.

Das ist mein Ding. Ich kann Caviar aus dem Katzen essen.

Das ist mein Ding. Ich kann Caviar aus dem Katzen essen.

Okay, well, whatever.

Okay, well, whatever.

Yes, baby.

Yes, baby.

Yeah, why is that the government's business?

Yeah, why is that the government's business?

Oh, Gumball. Ich habe das beantwortet.

Oh, Gumball. Ich habe das beantwortet.

Ja. Das ist ein Karbenskinnig.

Ja. Das ist ein Karbenskinnig.

Und du bist auf dem Schuss.

Und du bist auf dem Schuss.

I qualify and I'm not doing it. Because guess what? It's a vicious cycle. You lose the weight. What about the skin? Now you gotta have what operation? Since I'm on the table, let's fucking do this stomach. And my arms, let's take some of this fat and put it in my ass. Okay. It's a slippery slope for you.

I qualify and I'm not doing it. Because guess what? It's a vicious cycle. You lose the weight. What about the skin? Now you gotta have what operation? Since I'm on the table, let's fucking do this stomach. And my arms, let's take some of this fat and put it in my ass. Okay. It's a slippery slope for you.

Also, wir sind Shanghai Reds. Ja. Just me and her. Very low key baseball cap. Nobody knows it's really her. And, oh my God. Do you have a straw? A what? Actually, I'd love one too.

Also, wir sind Shanghai Reds. Ja. Just me and her. Very low key baseball cap. Nobody knows it's really her. And, oh my God. Do you have a straw? A what? Actually, I'd love one too.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, he bosses me around. He's forever trying to make pasta. I don't want pasta. I have him make probably some fish. Okay. Not like this crappy cold fish. It's not cold.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, he bosses me around. He's forever trying to make pasta. I don't want pasta. I have him make probably some fish. Okay. Not like this crappy cold fish. It's not cold.

Again, you're burning your fingers again.

Again, you're burning your fingers again.

Yeah, it is, but not that kind. The kind that's not in the slice pack, you know, pre-sliced craft, but not the kind that's individually wrapped.

Yeah, it is, but not that kind. The kind that's not in the slice pack, you know, pre-sliced craft, but not the kind that's individually wrapped.

Give me that fucking piece of cheese. Oh, no. Give me that fucking piece of cheese right now. I am not reaching it. You want the American Cheese that's living together, but sliced.

Give me that fucking piece of cheese. Oh, no. Give me that fucking piece of cheese right now. I am not reaching it. You want the American Cheese that's living together, but sliced.

There's her. I'm talking to the people. Okay. But this shit right here, it's in the bueno. You're trying to kill me on camera. I'll just eat the caviar.

There's her. I'm talking to the people. Okay. But this shit right here, it's in the bueno. You're trying to kill me on camera. I'll just eat the caviar.

My cheese ain't melting, but it's okay.

My cheese ain't melting, but it's okay.

Okay, okay. It's gonna be great. This is gonna be such a mess.

Okay, okay. It's gonna be great. This is gonna be such a mess.

I need seven more napkins. Oh man, we'll do a dollop. Remember after this we're... Gotta go to the Ivy.

I need seven more napkins. Oh man, we'll do a dollop. Remember after this we're... Gotta go to the Ivy.

Okay, sidebar. You're tucking that into your necklace. I have to, bitch, because I have to play something. Oh, the Ivy.

Okay, sidebar. You're tucking that into your necklace. I have to, bitch, because I have to play something. Oh, the Ivy.

Lisa, bring me that red shawl too. And then I'll be good. A bending. She's got it in a little straw drawer. I got my fingers all over everybody. Yeah, that's right. When does this come out? Where and when does it air?

Lisa, bring me that red shawl too. And then I'll be good. A bending. She's got it in a little straw drawer. I got my fingers all over everybody. Yeah, that's right. When does this come out? Where and when does it air?

Mhm.

Mhm.

Okay, you...

Okay, you...

I love it.

I love it.

No, you're not. You should be disowned. I'm gonna get a lawyer to write out the letter. That's why you ain't got no man. You don't understand. You don't understand me. I only get gay guys.

No, you're not. You should be disowned. I'm gonna get a lawyer to write out the letter. That's why you ain't got no man. You don't understand. You don't understand me. I only get gay guys.

Maybe you need a man like me who doesn't read, doesn't listen. She keeps marrying queer guys.

Maybe you need a man like me who doesn't read, doesn't listen. She keeps marrying queer guys.

Sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich nach sich selbst abnimmt und so. Und sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich in... Musiker, Musiker, Facial Scrubs... Und so. Oh mein Gott. Was du brauchst, ist, dass deine Brüder auf dich runterkommen. Ich habe früher mit dem alten Spice-Mann gesprochen.

Sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich nach sich selbst abnimmt und so. Und sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich in... Musiker, Musiker, Facial Scrubs... Und so. Oh mein Gott. Was du brauchst, ist, dass deine Brüder auf dich runterkommen. Ich habe früher mit dem alten Spice-Mann gesprochen.

Du hattest ein Leben vor mir. Ja. You did. Because I was speaking at it. That's right. Okay. And I think you were doing a recent interview talking about what a big whore you used to be. Yep, proud of it.

Du hattest ein Leben vor mir. Ja. You did. Because I was speaking at it. That's right. Okay. And I think you were doing a recent interview talking about what a big whore you used to be. Yep, proud of it.

Who's the most famous person you ever had sex with? Jack Black. Oh yeah, you talked about that. That's old news. Somebody else.

Who's the most famous person you ever had sex with? Jack Black. Oh yeah, you talked about that. That's old news. Somebody else.

You should have been like James Bond.

You should have been like James Bond.

I'm next. Ich weiß nicht, ob deine Stimme das große Mädchen öffnet.

I'm next. Ich weiß nicht, ob deine Stimme das große Mädchen öffnet.

Das Caviar bringt eine Salzigkeit. Sie ist überrascht von allem anderen. Weil sie nicht isst. Nein, ich esse auch.

Das Caviar bringt eine Salzigkeit. Sie ist überrascht von allem anderen. Weil sie nicht isst. Nein, ich esse auch.

Okay.

Okay.

First of all... Okay, then leave it right there.

First of all... Okay, then leave it right there.

He said, I got you. Yeah, who needs you? That's not my good side. Give me my double chin. Oh my God. Okay, so first of all, the dollop is too much.

He said, I got you. Yeah, who needs you? That's not my good side. Give me my double chin. Oh my God. Okay, so first of all, the dollop is too much.

Oh, because it's gonna overpower the calf. Und der Prozess... Ich werde dich an den echten amerikanischen Käse schalten, den wir von den guten Männern hatten.

Oh, because it's gonna overpower the calf. Und der Prozess... Ich werde dich an den echten amerikanischen Käse schalten, den wir von den guten Männern hatten.

Okay, okay. And by the way, here, help yourself. I mean, I just want to look at it. Okay, I'm going to do a video of this one.

Okay, okay. And by the way, here, help yourself. I mean, I just want to look at it. Okay, I'm going to do a video of this one.

Du wüsstest nichts darüber.

Du wüsstest nichts darüber.

Okay, listen, listen, listen. This is the bite. Okay. Okay, why is this the bite? Because this bitch been marinating. It's got juice and shit sitting on the side. I think I'm getting this truffle in my diamonds. It's okay. Watch the diamonds. You gotta scramble it. I got the ripe... Where's the tomato? Right there, it's right there. Okay, I got the ripe... Get the heirloom tomato.

Okay, listen, listen, listen. This is the bite. Okay. Okay, why is this the bite? Because this bitch been marinating. It's got juice and shit sitting on the side. I think I'm getting this truffle in my diamonds. It's okay. Watch the diamonds. You gotta scramble it. I got the ripe... Where's the tomato? Right there, it's right there. Okay, I got the ripe... Get the heirloom tomato.

You ready? Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

You ready? Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

That was quick. Just leave the cheese off.

That was quick. Just leave the cheese off.

And you got a winner. Now. You should send this with a disclaimer though, because first of all, any woman who eats this, any man, any man, any man. Which gender? Any straight man. Yeah. Who brings a woman to Kushners restaurant to eat his fish sandwich. What the fuck is Kushner? Don't ask how black people say my name. I mean, Kreischer. Oh, Kreischer.

And you got a winner. Now. You should send this with a disclaimer though, because first of all, any woman who eats this, any man, any man, any man. Which gender? Any straight man. Yeah. Who brings a woman to Kushners restaurant to eat his fish sandwich. What the fuck is Kushner? Don't ask how black people say my name. I mean, Kreischer. Oh, Kreischer.

Okay. It's me and Kathy. We're going to eat caviar.

Okay. It's me and Kathy. We're going to eat caviar.

Any man who brings a chick to Christmas for this... What is it?

Any man who brings a chick to Christmas for this... What is it?

Kreischer. Okay. Any straight man that brings a woman... We are so close. Brett... Brett...

Kreischer. Okay. Any straight man that brings a woman... We are so close. Brett... Brett...

Out of the fucking can.

Out of the fucking can.

Quaschner.

Quaschner.

Even I got it wrong.

Even I got it wrong.

Any man that brings a woman to Brett Quaschers...

Any man that brings a woman to Brett Quaschers...

Just take it.

Just take it.

Let's try it for a... Fish sandwich. Messy chicken sandwich.

Let's try it for a... Fish sandwich. Messy chicken sandwich.

We can? Yeah, of course. Yes, I'm just going to do the show.

We can? Yeah, of course. Yes, I'm just going to do the show.

Any... Straight man. Any straight man. Who brings a woman to... This guy. God damn it. We were so close. I cried. Restaurant. Kitchen restaurant. For a caviar, a messy caviar cod sandwich. Is totally expecting to get his dick sucked after this.

Any... Straight man. Any straight man. Who brings a woman to... This guy. God damn it. We were so close. I cried. Restaurant. Kitchen restaurant. For a caviar, a messy caviar cod sandwich. Is totally expecting to get his dick sucked after this.

Mmh.

Mmh.

Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Tied with sex. You want slobby noises?

Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Tied with sex. You want slobby noises?

I am dying laughing there. Okay, good.

I am dying laughing there. Okay, good.

Submit this bitch for the Emmy.

Submit this bitch for the Emmy.

Why?

Why?

The name. Submit this for the Emmy.

The name. Submit this for the Emmy.

I want to see if you're a sloppy bitch.

I want to see if you're a sloppy bitch.

You already got a half. I've got caviar in my diamond. Do it, do it. Here we go. Bitch bite. She didn't even have to do all that. I don't need to take a lesson from her. I'm too sloppy with it.

You already got a half. I've got caviar in my diamond. Do it, do it. Here we go. Bitch bite. She didn't even have to do all that. I don't need to take a lesson from her. I'm too sloppy with it.

Get a man class? Well, it takes a lot of patience. Okay, that we don't have. She knew me before you knew me. And I remember sitting in her hotel room with your first husband.

Get a man class? Well, it takes a lot of patience. Okay, that we don't have. She knew me before you knew me. And I remember sitting in her hotel room with your first husband.

You know who needed to be added? Hey. What? How do you get along with Chelsea? Do you and Chelsea get along?

You know who needed to be added? Hey. What? How do you get along with Chelsea? Do you and Chelsea get along?

She don't fuck with everybody.

She don't fuck with everybody.

Okay, she don't like you.

Okay, she don't like you.

Okay, hier ist der Caviar. Aus dem fucking Kaffee.

Okay, hier ist der Caviar. Aus dem fucking Kaffee.

Okay. Okay. She fucks with me. Wait, wait, wait. I just got three bad bitches. I want to think of Chelsea Clinton. Okay, random. Random. Okay, everybody thinks everybody is dead in this house.

Okay. Okay. She fucks with me. Wait, wait, wait. I just got three bad bitches. I want to think of Chelsea Clinton. Okay, random. Random. Okay, everybody thinks everybody is dead in this house.

It was just so I've had it for fucking months. I'm driving my Porsche. It was just the best. I just took the bag and I'm having the drive of my life. Well, then my Porsche driving that much more fun.

It was just so I've had it for fucking months. I'm driving my Porsche. It was just the best. I just took the bag and I'm having the drive of my life. Well, then my Porsche driving that much more fun.

That's right. I don't have a driver.

That's right. I don't have a driver.

I have a driver. You have a driver. You don't drive. I have a driver named Leo. He's fine as fuck. He can get it too. He can get it too. Lea, you can get it. Oh, he's so fine.

I have a driver. You have a driver. You don't drive. I have a driver named Leo. He's fine as fuck. He can get it too. He can get it too. Lea, you can get it. Oh, he's so fine.

Oh, she's choking now.

Oh, she's choking now.

You know what? We were all doing so well. How big's your dick?

You know what? We were all doing so well. How big's your dick?

You know, I can't be going to the gynecologist every motherfucking week, but look. Are you gonna smoke that? No, I'm trying to remember. It's like you're gonna smoke that.

You know, I can't be going to the gynecologist every motherfucking week, but look. Are you gonna smoke that? No, I'm trying to remember. It's like you're gonna smoke that.

What do you mean? What do you mean he had not put his whole dick inside of a woman? Because it's so big.

What do you mean? What do you mean he had not put his whole dick inside of a woman? Because it's so big.

Okay, well then. Okay, I don't know what I heard. I'm going by what you said. I know professional bitches that them fucks should kill them now. That ain't what they said.

Okay, well then. Okay, I don't know what I heard. I'm going by what you said. I know professional bitches that them fucks should kill them now. That ain't what they said.

Das Gegenteil.

Das Gegenteil.

Quit talking, Roseanne.

Quit talking, Roseanne.

Und dann habe ich es in mir aufgeräumt. Oh Gott, schau. Kathy, was ist der größte Dick, den du jemals gesehen hast?

Und dann habe ich es in mir aufgeräumt. Oh Gott, schau. Kathy, was ist der größte Dick, den du jemals gesehen hast?

The white guys with big dicks were always nerds.

The white guys with big dicks were always nerds.

A white guy with a big dick is like a Christmas miracle. Oh my God. What do we have here, honey? What do we have here? What do we have here, baby? Oh, Christmas miracle. I fucked a crew guy when I was doing this movie one time, this white boy. Yeah. His dick was big and fantastic. I was so surprised. Yeah, I fucked him with my eyes open.

A white guy with a big dick is like a Christmas miracle. Oh my God. What do we have here, honey? What do we have here? What do we have here, baby? Oh, Christmas miracle. I fucked a crew guy when I was doing this movie one time, this white boy. Yeah. His dick was big and fantastic. I was so surprised. Yeah, I fucked him with my eyes open.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

What are you worried about? My lipstick. How did you eat and that lipstick never came off?

What are you worried about? My lipstick. How did you eat and that lipstick never came off?

Ich wollte wissen. Ich sagte, ich möchte, dass reiche Leute ihre Maske in Zip-Lock-Masken tragen, wie ich es tue. Du tust es, aber ich nicht. Meine Make-up ist hier. Oh, klassische Sport-Sack. Tiny little bag.

Ich wollte wissen. Ich sagte, ich möchte, dass reiche Leute ihre Maske in Zip-Lock-Masken tragen, wie ich es tue. Du tust es, aber ich nicht. Meine Make-up ist hier. Oh, klassische Sport-Sack. Tiny little bag.

No, I would love a tiny man, but he would be gay. Real men are gonna take the fucking fish from here, drip it over here. And then they wipe their hands off on their hands. Because it's not even a paper towel. Yeah, I do like real men. I mean, I don't... End of story.

No, I would love a tiny man, but he would be gay. Real men are gonna take the fucking fish from here, drip it over here. And then they wipe their hands off on their hands. Because it's not even a paper towel. Yeah, I do like real men. I mean, I don't... End of story.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, thank you.

That was his version of amen. Yeah.

That was his version of amen. Yeah.

He shouldn't say anything. He couldn't help it. Was ist dein bestes Dish? Was ist dein bestes Dish?

He shouldn't say anything. He couldn't help it. Was ist dein bestes Dish? Was ist dein bestes Dish?

I have a mentorship program. Is it in your car? Yes. Because I know you're going to be busy in that car. I haven't fucked in a car in 30 years.

I have a mentorship program. Is it in your car? Yes. Because I know you're going to be busy in that car. I haven't fucked in a car in 30 years.

I don't think he wants to fuck me. That's what's the point. I can't fuck nobody else.

I don't think he wants to fuck me. That's what's the point. I can't fuck nobody else.

Oh, she hasn't hated me. It's brutal. However, they've been calling her racist, right? Well, I know for a fact I've seen it. Look, I put it on the counter and I went in to get it. I don't care what's on the counter. You can put some in the nails, too. I did.

Oh, she hasn't hated me. It's brutal. However, they've been calling her racist, right? Well, I know for a fact I've seen it. Look, I put it on the counter and I went in to get it. I don't care what's on the counter. You can put some in the nails, too. I did.

And also, where are you going to bang this guy? Okay, now it's a relationship. Leo, the driver. I know. I actually care about liking the guy. I'm a fool for love. Oh.

And also, where are you going to bang this guy? Okay, now it's a relationship. Leo, the driver. I know. I actually care about liking the guy. I'm a fool for love. Oh.

I'm back to the motherfucking cold truffle fries, bitch.

I'm back to the motherfucking cold truffle fries, bitch.

I know, but I said I wouldn't do a lot of things I've done. That's right. Show us that Roseanne video. Ja, I'm probably gonna go to jail. No! No, you're not going to jail.

I know, but I said I wouldn't do a lot of things I've done. That's right. Show us that Roseanne video. Ja, I'm probably gonna go to jail. No! No, you're not going to jail.

Ich mag das nicht. Aber hör mal.

Ich mag das nicht. Aber hör mal.

Da ist es. Nimm das Audio und nimm es jedes Mal.

Da ist es. Nimm das Audio und nimm es jedes Mal.

Oh, it's on. Let's go.

Oh, it's on. Let's go.

It better be me. I will do it at the same time.

It better be me. I will do it at the same time.

Okay. Wait a minute. Wait, wait. There it is. Five, four, three, two, one.

Okay. Wait a minute. Wait, wait. There it is. Five, four, three, two, one.

She started.

She started.

He never answers the phone. I had this sticker on my hat the whole time. He never answers the phone. So now we gotta leave them both a message.

He never answers the phone. I had this sticker on my hat the whole time. He never answers the phone. So now we gotta leave them both a message.

Okay, stop. Okay, come on here. Can you fit? Okay, so we're gonna leave Chappelle a video. Okay. David, it's your Auntie Lou now.

Okay, stop. Okay, come on here. Can you fit? Okay, so we're gonna leave Chappelle a video. Okay. David, it's your Auntie Lou now.

Just take a minute. I did. He stalks me.

Just take a minute. I did. He stalks me.

Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017 Ja, natürlich! Richard Martin!

Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017 Ja, natürlich! Richard Martin!

Ja! Der immer super gut war? Ja, und... Und der noch ziemlich gut ist? Wer würde das nicht wissen? Okay, ich zeige dir, warum. Ich bin nicht der Typ, der sagt, dass es eine weiße Kultur gibt. Aber ich wurde in allen weißen Schulen aufgewachsen. Du hast den Prinzen Michael Jackson auf deinen Händen. Nein, ich bin weggegangen. Nein, ich bin in Arkansas zwei Monate alt geworden. Cold Fries.

Ja! Der immer super gut war? Ja, und... Und der noch ziemlich gut ist? Wer würde das nicht wissen? Okay, ich zeige dir, warum. Ich bin nicht der Typ, der sagt, dass es eine weiße Kultur gibt. Aber ich wurde in allen weißen Schulen aufgewachsen. Du hast den Prinzen Michael Jackson auf deinen Händen. Nein, ich bin weggegangen. Nein, ich bin in Arkansas zwei Monate alt geworden. Cold Fries.

Ich wurde... Cold Fries. Okay. Und ich bin nach Berkeley gekommen. Okay? Ja. Michael Jackson or Prince? I know. I know. If you bring one back to life, for one show,

Ich wurde... Cold Fries. Okay. Und ich bin nach Berkeley gekommen. Okay? Ja. Michael Jackson or Prince? I know. I know. If you bring one back to life, for one show,

Listen, let me tell you something about Prince. I love Prince. I'm a Prince motherfucker. Prince did 25 shows in 25 days for $25 at the Forum in LA. Okay, Beyonce. So you can lower your ticket price a little bit, sis. Motherfucking... I don't like Raspberry Beret. I love it. And I don't like... I don't like Little Red Corvette.

Listen, let me tell you something about Prince. I love Prince. I'm a Prince motherfucker. Prince did 25 shows in 25 days for $25 at the Forum in LA. Okay, Beyonce. So you can lower your ticket price a little bit, sis. Motherfucking... I don't like Raspberry Beret. I love it. And I don't like... I don't like Little Red Corvette.

I read the fucking book. Ja. Ja. Ja.

I read the fucking book. Ja. Ja. Ja.

Just my little fun moment. He's not like us. No.

Just my little fun moment. He's not like us. No.

All right, but don't do it.

All right, but don't do it.

Bye, David. He tried both of us.

Bye, David. He tried both of us.

It was like, hey, if I sound like... No, but all them fucking Jacksons, they're all whispery. What's that about? What did Joe do to them kids?

It was like, hey, if I sound like... No, but all them fucking Jacksons, they're all whispery. What's that about? What did Joe do to them kids?

I think Joe did a lot.

I think Joe did a lot.

The mother of Kim Fields? Yes, Chip Fields.

The mother of Kim Fields? Yes, Chip Fields.

Kim Fields, Rudy. Edit out all the black culture questions, okay?

Kim Fields, Rudy. Edit out all the black culture questions, okay?

That was Kim Fields. Oh, from Facts of Life.

That was Kim Fields. Oh, from Facts of Life.

Und dann hat ihre Mutter Chip Fields. Tootie, Tootie. Rudi ist aus dem Huxable.

Und dann hat ihre Mutter Chip Fields. Tootie, Tootie. Rudi ist aus dem Huxable.

Okay, schreibe es zurück. Dein Handy geht wieder aus.

Okay, schreibe es zurück. Dein Handy geht wieder aus.

Not my job, not my category. Not your cow, not your farm.

Not my job, not my category. Not your cow, not your farm.

You were being played, bro.

You were being played, bro.

Do you know who that white guy is? Uh-huh.

Do you know who that white guy is? Uh-huh.

I'm not one of those. Okay, okay, okay. But I can't, he can't film me if I play this for you though. Oh, we can edit it out. We want to see it. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on, I'm coming over there. Okay.

I'm not one of those. Okay, okay, okay. But I can't, he can't film me if I play this for you though. Oh, we can edit it out. We want to see it. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on, I'm coming over there. Okay.

No, that's not what I said. Now, when am I coming? When are you having us come back out? That way we can get on the jet. I'm not flying southwest to motherfucking Dayton. Okay. We can drink on the plane together. Okay. Ich liebe Dave Chappelle.

No, that's not what I said. Now, when am I coming? When are you having us come back out? That way we can get on the jet. I'm not flying southwest to motherfucking Dayton. Okay. We can drink on the plane together. Okay. Ich liebe Dave Chappelle.

Chapelle, heute ist der erste Tag, an dem ich keine Necklace habe. Und ich sollte es haben, weil es rot wurde. Ich sah Tasha. Tasha Smith hat eine, zwei. Ich wollte deine Augen ausbrechen. Ich sagte, wir sind alle in der gleichen Familie. Hast du eine neugierige Necklace von David? Oh, ich weiß, Survival of the Thickest. Das ist ihr Show. Okay, wir müssen warten.

Chapelle, heute ist der erste Tag, an dem ich keine Necklace habe. Und ich sollte es haben, weil es rot wurde. Ich sah Tasha. Tasha Smith hat eine, zwei. Ich wollte deine Augen ausbrechen. Ich sagte, wir sind alle in der gleichen Familie. Hast du eine neugierige Necklace von David? Oh, ich weiß, Survival of the Thickest. Das ist ihr Show. Okay, wir müssen warten.

Hey, ich sollte das Screenshot machen. Warte. Hier, schick Shane in zwei, Dave. Warte, ich schicke Shane nicht. Warte, oh nein, oh mein Gott. Okay, Shane. Okay, da ist einer. David. Okay, warte.

Hey, ich sollte das Screenshot machen. Warte. Hier, schick Shane in zwei, Dave. Warte, ich schicke Shane nicht. Warte, oh nein, oh mein Gott. Okay, Shane. Okay, da ist einer. David. Okay, warte.

Oh, is he black? No, he's not black. Call that other guy. Who? The one that likes that little girl. Who? What's her name? Taylor Swift. Ja.

Oh, is he black? No, he's not black. Call that other guy. Who? The one that likes that little girl. Who? What's her name? Taylor Swift. Ja.

I'm not like her. Humble legends. No, but she does... She's out of these clubs. She's been out of clubs for years. She does arenas. I did Carnegie Hall. And they fill up. You've done Carnegie Hall... Six times. Six times. I did the Apollo, bitch. I know.

I'm not like her. Humble legends. No, but she does... She's out of these clubs. She's been out of clubs for years. She does arenas. I did Carnegie Hall. And they fill up. You've done Carnegie Hall... Six times. Six times. I did the Apollo, bitch. I know.

They said there hadn't been another black female come through there and sell it out since 1968. Her mom's baby there. Oh. Ich will nur ein bestimmtes Niveau von Publikum und Finanzen und alles. Aber du bist legit. Sie kann ihre Legitimität nicht kaprieren.

They said there hadn't been another black female come through there and sell it out since 1968. Her mom's baby there. Oh. Ich will nur ein bestimmtes Niveau von Publikum und Finanzen und alles. Aber du bist legit. Sie kann ihre Legitimität nicht kaprieren.

Vielleicht. Ich bin 33, 32 Jahre alt. Ah.

Vielleicht. Ich bin 33, 32 Jahre alt. Ah.

I have not sucked the right dick. All this dick I've been sucking.

I have not sucked the right dick. All this dick I've been sucking.

It's not how much dick you suck, lady.

It's not how much dick you suck, lady.

I've been fucking up all these years.

I've been fucking up all these years.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. So I gotta go to this. Alright. I gotta go to General. I love that she's got all the ammunition. It's really good. It could be released. Then I have to go to my secret review lines attachment file.

Okay. So I gotta go to this. Alright. I gotta go to General. I love that she's got all the ammunition. It's really good. It could be released. Then I have to go to my secret review lines attachment file.

And you never had to go the fuck back to work again. Yeah, yeah. First of all, that's a beautiful story. That wasn't me. It was you. Oh, um... I tell nobody to ever quit your job to do stand-up. But if you get laid off or you get fired, that is a good time to try to see, can you never go back. I would never quit. And I also feel like I got another quotable. I'm totally contaminating this cast.

And you never had to go the fuck back to work again. Yeah, yeah. First of all, that's a beautiful story. That wasn't me. It was you. Oh, um... I tell nobody to ever quit your job to do stand-up. But if you get laid off or you get fired, that is a good time to try to see, can you never go back. I would never quit. And I also feel like I got another quotable. I'm totally contaminating this cast.

Go ahead, it's for you. I also feel like you shouldn't even fuck with stand-up unless you feel like you'll die if you don't do it.

Go ahead, it's for you. I also feel like you shouldn't even fuck with stand-up unless you feel like you'll die if you don't do it.

And they were waiting for you. Oh, and the audiences were amazing.

And they were waiting for you. Oh, and the audiences were amazing.

I know my battery is fully charged.

I know my battery is fully charged.

Go.

Go.

This is gold.

This is gold.

Right, right. Das war ein guter Tag. Das war ein guter Tag.

Right, right. Das war ein guter Tag. Das war ein guter Tag.

Ich habe vorhin mit George Wallace gesprochen. Und das waren Tage, wenn, weißt du, wenn er auf fucking Carson kam. Ja. You were made overnight. Overnight. And Joyce said recently in the interview, he'd done carts like 11 times, never got access to them. Oh, ouch. And he's still a little butthurt about that. Of course, because that was the big question. Wow, that is really sort of fucked up.

Ich habe vorhin mit George Wallace gesprochen. Und das waren Tage, wenn, weißt du, wenn er auf fucking Carson kam. Ja. You were made overnight. Overnight. And Joyce said recently in the interview, he'd done carts like 11 times, never got access to them. Oh, ouch. And he's still a little butthurt about that. Of course, because that was the big question. Wow, that is really sort of fucked up.

That's right, don't lose it. Is it backed up? Is it backed up? Okay, good. I know.

That's right, don't lose it. Is it backed up? Is it backed up? Okay, good. I know.

Yeah, Johnny. And, um... Jetzt kann man auf der Show sein wie Fallon oder Kimmel und nichts ändert sich. Nächste Woche geht man zurück in den Grocery Store.

Yeah, Johnny. And, um... Jetzt kann man auf der Show sein wie Fallon oder Kimmel und nichts ändert sich. Nächste Woche geht man zurück in den Grocery Store.

And he was like, dude, I love you.

And he was like, dude, I love you.

I worked with him on All About Steve and then he gave me a little tiny part in Stars Boy. Bradley's my friend. Call him. Oh no. Call his ass. Call fucking Bradley. He know me.

I worked with him on All About Steve and then he gave me a little tiny part in Stars Boy. Bradley's my friend. Call him. Oh no. Call his ass. Call fucking Bradley. He know me.

They give you their number, but they don't want you to use it. I've done this so many times. I'm gonna call him, but I'm gonna give you the phone. No idea. He's gonna shit if he answers the phone. As you know, man. He's not gonna answer the phone. He talked to me this morning. He did?

They give you their number, but they don't want you to use it. I've done this so many times. I'm gonna call him, but I'm gonna give you the phone. No idea. He's gonna shit if he answers the phone. As you know, man. He's not gonna answer the phone. He talked to me this morning. He did?

Das ist verdammt großartig.

Das ist verdammt großartig.

Ich lasse dir ein Video-Message. Okay, okay, Info. Und, warte, Video, richtig? Oh nein, ich habe ihn wieder angerufen.

Ich lasse dir ein Video-Message. Okay, okay, Info. Und, warte, Video, richtig? Oh nein, ich habe ihn wieder angerufen.

But turn around, yeah.

But turn around, yeah.

A little unexpected.

A little unexpected.

Ja, und also haben wir dich angerufen, mein Fehler, aber auf Grundlage. Ich habe gesagt, ich kenne Bradley, er ist mein Freund. Also habe ich gesagt, ich habe ihn angerufen, also habe ich dir deine Botschaft geliefert. Ich will dir sagen, hallo, ich liebe dich und ich vermisse dich sehr und ich kann nicht warten, dich zu sehen. Ich weiß nicht, was du machst, aber ich fange mit diesem Ding an.

Ja, und also haben wir dich angerufen, mein Fehler, aber auf Grundlage. Ich habe gesagt, ich kenne Bradley, er ist mein Freund. Also habe ich gesagt, ich habe ihn angerufen, also habe ich dir deine Botschaft geliefert. Ich will dir sagen, hallo, ich liebe dich und ich vermisse dich sehr und ich kann nicht warten, dich zu sehen. Ich weiß nicht, was du machst, aber ich fange mit diesem Ding an.

No.

No.

Das ist... Das ist echt lustig, Emy. Ja. Oder was auch immer. Du hast Chappelle. Ja. Du hast fucking... Das ist echt lustig.

Das ist... Das ist echt lustig, Emy. Ja. Oder was auch immer. Du hast Chappelle. Ja. Du hast fucking... Das ist echt lustig.

I ought to food fight your ass and fuck up your whole house right now. Don Lemon's number? Doesn't everybody?

I ought to food fight your ass and fuck up your whole house right now. Don Lemon's number? Doesn't everybody?

Nobody's been cancelled like Kathy's been cancelled. I win that prize. You might be the goat.

Nobody's been cancelled like Kathy's been cancelled. I win that prize. You might be the goat.

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

This is a new segment of your fucking show. Call a star.

This is a new segment of your fucking show. Call a star.

He would incorporate it. Oh, she gives you water. No, that's not water.

He would incorporate it. Oh, she gives you water. No, that's not water.

And not like that, it's not.

And not like that, it's not.

Yep.

Yep.

Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Not no more.

Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Zwei Wochen. Not no more.

Das ist gut. Denn diese Tage sind nur drei Tage lang. Nicht meine. Nein, nein, nein. 6,5 Jahre. 6,5 fucking Jahre. Wer ist dein Reiter? Chappelle. Ja. Er ist einer meiner Reiter.

Das ist gut. Denn diese Tage sind nur drei Tage lang. Nicht meine. Nein, nein, nein. 6,5 Jahre. 6,5 fucking Jahre. Wer ist dein Reiter? Chappelle. Ja. Er ist einer meiner Reiter.

Not the best built man. They walk around, they show stuff off. If I do that, it's like, ew, why? If you guys do it, it's dad bod. So it's kind of cute. If we do it, it's fat fuck. Y'all done pressured old Lizzo to get on the needle.

Not the best built man. They walk around, they show stuff off. If I do that, it's like, ew, why? If you guys do it, it's dad bod. So it's kind of cute. If we do it, it's fat fuck. Y'all done pressured old Lizzo to get on the needle.

Oh, but she just got a movie role. Who? Playing, was that Mama Thornton? She started in church and then she went into rock and roll and she's a rock and roll guitar player. Yeah.

Oh, but she just got a movie role. Who? Playing, was that Mama Thornton? She started in church and then she went into rock and roll and she's a rock and roll guitar player. Yeah.

Ja, sie hat das gerade. Erinnert ihr euch das? Okay, zwei von den beiden.

Ja, sie hat das gerade. Erinnert ihr euch das? Okay, zwei von den beiden.

Überraschend genug habe ich einen Schmerz. Hast du einen Schmerz? Ein bisschen. Ein bisschen.

Überraschend genug habe ich einen Schmerz. Hast du einen Schmerz? Ein bisschen. Ein bisschen.

Ich liebe es. Ich mache Doppelbänder. Vielleicht um drei Uhr an einem Show-Tag?

Ich liebe es. Ich mache Doppelbänder. Vielleicht um drei Uhr an einem Show-Tag?

Ja, wie B12, Magnesium, C, B-Konflex.

Ja, wie B12, Magnesium, C, B-Konflex.

Fuck. Oh. It's been a day. It's been a day. Should we wrap this up? Yeah. I don't know if I can make our date. We got it.

Fuck. Oh. It's been a day. It's been a day. Should we wrap this up? Yeah. I don't know if I can make our date. We got it.

Oh my god, are you calling him now? Yeah, this is like the multiverse.

Oh my god, are you calling him now? Yeah, this is like the multiverse.

Put a tariff on that belly. He's not a bad guy. Submit this bitch for the Emmy, I'm telling you.

Put a tariff on that belly. He's not a bad guy. Submit this bitch for the Emmy, I'm telling you.

Wow, this is a crazy fucking podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did Redgrass.

Wow, this is a crazy fucking podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did Redgrass.

I should not have made it. Honey, I We wouldn't apologize for a motherfucking thing.

I should not have made it. Honey, I We wouldn't apologize for a motherfucking thing.

Submit it for the Emmy.

Submit it for the Emmy.

I just did his show, Quetsch, the spinoff of The Neighborhood, that's gonna maybe drop in the summer. The fucking fact that he can remember anything after being through what the fuck he's been through. Having every bone in his body obliterated, losing his face, swelling up, coming back down. Ja. Ja, ja, ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

I just did his show, Quetsch, the spinoff of The Neighborhood, that's gonna maybe drop in the summer. The fucking fact that he can remember anything after being through what the fuck he's been through. Having every bone in his body obliterated, losing his face, swelling up, coming back down. Ja. Ja, ja, ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

Tracey war auf der Bühne mit Chris Rock und Eddie Murphy und Chappelle und allen Jungs. Ich stand auf der Seite und schaute. Und... Tracy Morgan sagte, sie haben gesagt, ich habe viel Geld in Filmen gemacht. Sie haben gesagt, ich habe viel Geld auf der Straße gemacht. Sie sagten, wir machen Clubs und so. Er sagte, nein, ich habe mich in meinen fucking Walmart-Truck getroffen. Ja.

Tracey war auf der Bühne mit Chris Rock und Eddie Murphy und Chappelle und allen Jungs. Ich stand auf der Seite und schaute. Und... Tracy Morgan sagte, sie haben gesagt, ich habe viel Geld in Filmen gemacht. Sie haben gesagt, ich habe viel Geld auf der Straße gemacht. Sie sagten, wir machen Clubs und so. Er sagte, nein, ich habe mich in meinen fucking Walmart-Truck getroffen. Ja.

Ich habe Millionen auf der Straße gemacht.

Ich habe Millionen auf der Straße gemacht.

Auf der Straße. Sie haben ihn bezahlt.

Auf der Straße. Sie haben ihn bezahlt.

Das ist meine Freundin. Ich liebe Artie. Artie Fuqua.

Das ist meine Freundin. Ich liebe Artie. Artie Fuqua.

Ja, Artie ist... Sie werden alle auf meinem Apollo-Show sein. Ich bin sicher. Capone. Oh, natürlich. Wann ist euer Apollo-Show? Am 16. Mai. Okay, gut. Am 16. Mai? Am 16. Mai?

Ja, Artie ist... Sie werden alle auf meinem Apollo-Show sein. Ich bin sicher. Capone. Oh, natürlich. Wann ist euer Apollo-Show? Am 16. Mai. Okay, gut. Am 16. Mai? Am 16. Mai?

Get the jet.

Get the jet.

Get the jet. It's a mindfuck for somebody like me. I bet. I have nothing on my calendar. You ain't doing shit. Well, Capone's gonna host it. I'm probably gonna have Melba Moore do a song. Oh, Icon. Bring Kiki Shepard back, because she was Apollo... Legend. And then after that it probably will just be me. After that. Oh no, my daughter and them are dancing. My daughter is a dancer, not on a pole.

Get the jet. It's a mindfuck for somebody like me. I bet. I have nothing on my calendar. You ain't doing shit. Well, Capone's gonna host it. I'm probably gonna have Melba Moore do a song. Oh, Icon. Bring Kiki Shepard back, because she was Apollo... Legend. And then after that it probably will just be me. After that. Oh no, my daughter and them are dancing. My daughter is a dancer, not on a pole.

Yeah, we never want to apologize.

Yeah, we never want to apologize.

You know, she's a professional dancer and they opened for me when I did the Paramount. They danced behind Too Short, also from Oakland. Because I had everybody from Oakland. Mark Curry, Too Short. Is that where you started doing comedy in Oakland? No, I really started in Long Beach. Genau. Ich kann es dir besser zeigen, als ich dir sagen kann.

You know, she's a professional dancer and they opened for me when I did the Paramount. They danced behind Too Short, also from Oakland. Because I had everybody from Oakland. Mark Curry, Too Short. Is that where you started doing comedy in Oakland? No, I really started in Long Beach. Genau. Ich kann es dir besser zeigen, als ich dir sagen kann.

Oh my God, I could have never smoked crack with this. It's too much. How do you do this?

Oh my God, I could have never smoked crack with this. It's too much. How do you do this?

Es war gut. Ich möchte nicht Brioche, weil es zu viel apartiert. Ich mag es. Aber ich möchte Fischsalat, das ist gut. Verlose den Bullshit-Cheese, denn alles andere war hochklasse. Du hast es zu Hause gemacht. Was ist das? Ein Tartar. Homemade tartar sauce. You got caviar. You don't want to cheapen it up with that ghetto ass cheese. So no cheese. Keep the fish, the cod. Lose the batter.

Es war gut. Ich möchte nicht Brioche, weil es zu viel apartiert. Ich mag es. Aber ich möchte Fischsalat, das ist gut. Verlose den Bullshit-Cheese, denn alles andere war hochklasse. Du hast es zu Hause gemacht. Was ist das? Ein Tartar. Homemade tartar sauce. You got caviar. You don't want to cheapen it up with that ghetto ass cheese. So no cheese. Keep the fish, the cod. Lose the batter.

The sauce is enough? Yeah. And then change the bun. Because if we're gonna sell them, Krishna, whatever. Okay, what kind of bun would you use? I would use a maybe a French roll. Okay. You don't think it's too hard? No, not the hard kind. Okay, the soft kind.

The sauce is enough? Yeah. And then change the bun. Because if we're gonna sell them, Krishna, whatever. Okay, what kind of bun would you use? I would use a maybe a French roll. Okay. You don't think it's too hard? No, not the hard kind. Okay, the soft kind.

I'm just saying, cut the fucking bread in half.

I'm just saying, cut the fucking bread in half.

Yeah. You get it. You got all your buddies on you, your boys. Who brought the pain? Motherfucking two women, high five. That's right. We went on our phone, we called people. We showed up, Chappelle Lemon. And when I tell you, I don't know if this can air in my hood, because when they find out that I'm going to have to call my boys.

Yeah. You get it. You got all your buddies on you, your boys. Who brought the pain? Motherfucking two women, high five. That's right. We went on our phone, we called people. We showed up, Chappelle Lemon. And when I tell you, I don't know if this can air in my hood, because when they find out that I'm going to have to call my boys.

I know, right, Kathy? That's a torch.

I know, right, Kathy? That's a torch.

Because when they found out that you accidentally spit on me, child, I'm gonna have to call the police and say, no, protect him, it's okay. It's alright, it was all in fun.

Because when they found out that you accidentally spit on me, child, I'm gonna have to call the police and say, no, protect him, it's okay. It's alright, it was all in fun.

I know. And I don't need it, because I'm... Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

I know. And I don't need it, because I'm... Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

It's a blowtorch.

It's a blowtorch.

I'm so glad I did it. Oh my God.

I'm so glad I did it. Oh my God.

I'll get my lashes, bitch.

I'll get my lashes, bitch.

Why am I just now finding out about a food fucking show with you? Because you're racist. Come on, somebody has to be the first. I am, though. I'm not a racist. I'm a bigot. What is the difference? Racists are out to hurt people. Okay. Bigots are just simply people who are calling it like it is about the races that are out there.

Why am I just now finding out about a food fucking show with you? Because you're racist. Come on, somebody has to be the first. I am, though. I'm not a racist. I'm a bigot. What is the difference? Racists are out to hurt people. Okay. Bigots are just simply people who are calling it like it is about the races that are out there.

I'm very judgy. Yep, same. Okay, you gotta bake those.

I'm very judgy. Yep, same. Okay, you gotta bake those.

Schaust du meine Specials? Ja, natürlich, natürlich, Lynelle! Ihr geht nicht in den f****** Flughafen oder irgendein anderes Bad, außer in unseren Socken. Nicht mal hier. Ich habe gesehen, dass du einen riesigen Hühnerhund irgendwo hast.

Schaust du meine Specials? Ja, natürlich, natürlich, Lynelle! Ihr geht nicht in den f****** Flughafen oder irgendein anderes Bad, außer in unseren Socken. Nicht mal hier. Ich habe gesehen, dass du einen riesigen Hühnerhund irgendwo hast.

Du wirst es nie wissen.

Du wirst es nie wissen.

Just real quick. I have four dogs. But they can't see you and they don't know who I'm talking to.

Just real quick. I have four dogs. But they can't see you and they don't know who I'm talking to.

Du hattest einen Thermometer, der die Ölheizung testet. Ich mache mir sicher, dass die Ölheizung richtig ist. Weißt du, wie die Männer das tun? Sie legen Wasser auf ihre Finger und dann piep. Und wenn es piep, dann ist es fertig. Ich habe nie einen Thermometer in meinem Leben benutzt. Nicht mal für ein Turnier.

Du hattest einen Thermometer, der die Ölheizung testet. Ich mache mir sicher, dass die Ölheizung richtig ist. Weißt du, wie die Männer das tun? Sie legen Wasser auf ihre Finger und dann piep. Und wenn es piep, dann ist es fertig. Ich habe nie einen Thermometer in meinem Leben benutzt. Nicht mal für ein Turnier.

I've got... A drunken Video of Roseanne Barr in my phone that I'm holding right now that would set the world on fucking fire.

I've got... A drunken Video of Roseanne Barr in my phone that I'm holding right now that would set the world on fucking fire.

122.

122.

I always looked up to Roseanne, right? Because she was everything. We all did. She was unique. There was nobody like her. She was white trash. She was sad. She was not that attractive. She had all those kids. And everybody told her, you can't be shit. And then she was. Then she took over everything. And she was a big influence to me. Same. And all that kind of stuff.

Absolut. Er hat eine Bilder mit mir gemacht. Okay, gut. Aber das war 50 Jahre später.

Don't make me go on my phone. And worse than my phone, don't make me pull out my VHS tapes.

I do love an old tape.

We need to be smaller than that, but okay. Sie hat gesagt, dass sie schuldig ist. Ich habe mich gerade erkannt.

Ich wette, dass ihr Noten habt. Ich möchte wissen, wer sonst hier sitzt. Wir sind so erfreut.

Ja, Cheech and Chong. Ich habe einen mexikanischen Mann getroffen. Und ich habe ihm... Oh, I love it, I love it.

Also ich habe gestern gesehen, was war das, das sie genannt haben? Es waren diese vier Männer. Ja, Ron Green, was war sein Name? Er trinkte.

Ron White.

Those guys. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching them yesterday. Yeah. It was an old time thing. I know.

Because I met Ron Green. He was drinking and he was a monster. Ron White. Ron White. What a green. And then, yeah, they were fun guys. They were on to something.

Yeah.

I quit for four weeks until right now. Nice. Nice.

I know, I don't have any perks.

I loved every pill. I took a, what is that other shit? I took a Xanax. It did nothing to me. How much? I took what I went to bed because I said something happened.

A zanny bar.

Oh my God, I don't know. I took one pill. You probably took a... And I laid down to wait for something to happen. Nothing happened. I went to sleep.

You gotta mix it. Yeah, I'm fucking a little chef in here.

Und dann bin ich ins Gefängnis gegangen und als ich im Gefängnis war, gab es keine Bibliothek, aber es gab ein Magazin oder ein Buch auf dem Boden. Ja. Und so gab es ein Buch auf dem Boden und ich habe es gekauft und es war Rosannes Autobiografie.

See these bitches, how do they get these? I don't know. My nieces had two guys back to back to cook. Oh, it's a gift. Then my daughter's got a guy who cooks. It's a gift. And all the men, all the goons I fuck with, they can't fucking do nothing. The goons I fuck with.

They do not. We cannot get fucked.

To get ladies? Yes!

They do not like us. I'll tell you right now. I'm more concerned about why this batter is brown though. That glass is falling apart.

Yeah.

I've done it a million times. Oh! Be careful. I was like this one time in the club and pulled a guy and he got all back to the house. He got all embarrassed and said, you pulled me like I was a bitch. Like I was a bitch. I said, you are. Pull off your clothes and shut the fuck up. And I'll bet he was a happy bitch.

That's right. Happy. Leave him happy. Those are the good old days.

No, Kathy, you don't give that I want to fuck. I give that.

A year and two months.

Auf dem Boden des Gefängnisses. Okay. I read it and when I finished it, they called me to get released from jail. So then she was coming to the comedy store. So I wanted to go to the comedy store. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to tell her that story. I did. And then she invited me to come to her HBO taping and then I did. And then we became friends. And then we started hanging out a little bit.

Nein, aber wir können für eine Weile ohne es gehen, weil es ist, weißt du, du kannst nicht einfach deine Kleider aus dem Kopf von jemandem holen. Du musst dich dazu arbeiten. Du musst vielleicht wie ich, aber nicht in den alten Tagen, aber jetzt. Ja.

It was go time. You... See, I used to watch My Life on the D-List.

Yes. And I remember you telling a story about... Was sind deine Hunde-Namen? Was ist der große?

Chance und Pom-Pom haben sich in einem Hotel verlassen. Und du hast sie in deinem Unterhaut gefangen.

Kennst du diese Geschichte?

Das ist so süß, ich sterbe.

And I used to, I don't know why, I just got intrigued with you years ago. I think because I like ballsy chicks. I don't like, I like bitches like, what is it? That's all I know how to do. If you're going to be in this business, I believe you're going to do comedy and do it well. You got to be able to risk it all. Risk your fucking family, risk the cancellation.

I know what you mean.

No. What is it? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. matter what i did and tell people's neighbors and sometimes telling them oh your sister is so funny and they were like look at him shut up i'm concerned oh my god you get away with any crime

Don't touch the fake hair, honey. That's not fake.

The graves are from the gay men. That's right. Okay, can I be honest? I'm about to tell a story. It's gonna take five minutes. Okay, yes. First of all, Really? Of course I know Josh Wolf. He always does. I didn't really eat a mushroom, but I did eat some mushroom dust. And I'm in the words of the greats feeling no pain right now.

And then we went to, it was called Shanghai Reds in Marina Del Rey. And so she used to get really, really drunk. I don't know if she was drunk and all the pills were really drunk. Because she had to call her boyfriend Johnny to come pick her up. I remember Johnny. Good looking Johnny.

So fun. Now, the reason I have my napkin like the little tablecloth is because many years ago I was incarcerated in Twin Towers Correctional Facility on Cesar Chavez Boulevard downtown.

How much time did you spend in jail? Four months, 18 days.

Bitch, it was the worst. How did you do it? I'll tell you after Ivy. Okay, okay.

And drink. I fell off the wagon for you, just for you.

The jailhouse jumpsuits and shit are short sleeves. They're right to here. Yeah. But everything in jail is metal. So I eat like this. So I'm very sensitive. What do you call that? I have an impressive memory about my arms being cold when you write a letter. Your arms are cold when you eat. So I can't have my arms like that. It bothers me.

It's not.

No, I'm not.

Oh, he did? I thought he was dead.

Aber wenn du den Dokumentarfilm gesehen hast, wirst du wissen, warum er verrückt ist. Ja. Weil niemand ihn so lieben kann, wie seine Mutter ihn liebt. Ja. Ich habe ihn nicht gesehen. Donda? Ich habe Donda nicht gesehen, ja. Niemand kann ihm die Affirmationen geben. Dann hat er sie über die... Oh, hör auf! Oh mein Gott!

Sie ist überrascht.

Are you stalking my page?

I ain't kissing nobody.

Maybe.

Ich denke immer an das Fisch-Sandwich.

Really? Leo.

He's fine as frog's hair. Fine as frog's hair? Yeah, I'm pretty fine. I've never heard that before. I know, it's a black thing. Fine as frog's hair? If I stay here for half a day, you'll be so up on your black shit that tomato's not ripe anyway.

No, but I... I want some of that big pickled tartar sauce on my bread.

You have to watch that really good. It's still got the root on it. Sorry!

You don't cook, so you would mother the root on the bottom.

I thought it was a biscuit.

Uh-oh.

I got you. I'm gonna crisp up our fries. I'm just asking.

Well, we got caviar, so why not truffle oil?

No, I like Mexicans. I like Latinos and stuff. No, fuck, here's what it is. Latin men like me. So I fuck with who fucks with me. Are those close?

Du bist ein Star. Du hast nichts zu tun. Es war um 1 Uhr in der fucking Morgen. Wir waren in Paris Hilton. Und Sia. Und Sia. Und diese Bitch wollte in Randys fucking Donuts in England reinlassen. Weil wir das Madonna-Konzert lieben. Warum hast du nicht eine Maske an, die sagt, robbe mich, fuck mich, schiebe mich und lasse mich auf der Seite der Straße?

I'll do that. Rob me, fuck me, shoot me. Don't be shy with the salt on the fries.

Das ist mein Ding. Ich kann Caviar aus dem Katzen essen.

Okay, well, whatever.

Yes, baby.

Yeah, why is that the government's business?

Oh, Gumball. Ich habe das beantwortet.

Ja. Das ist ein Karbenskinnig.

Und du bist auf dem Schuss.

I qualify and I'm not doing it. Because guess what? It's a vicious cycle. You lose the weight. What about the skin? Now you gotta have what operation? Since I'm on the table, let's fucking do this stomach. And my arms, let's take some of this fat and put it in my ass. Okay. It's a slippery slope for you.

Also, wir sind Shanghai Reds. Ja. Just me and her. Very low key baseball cap. Nobody knows it's really her. And, oh my God. Do you have a straw? A what? Actually, I'd love one too.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, he bosses me around. He's forever trying to make pasta. I don't want pasta. I have him make probably some fish. Okay. Not like this crappy cold fish. It's not cold.

Again, you're burning your fingers again.

Yeah, it is, but not that kind. The kind that's not in the slice pack, you know, pre-sliced craft, but not the kind that's individually wrapped.

Give me that fucking piece of cheese. Oh, no. Give me that fucking piece of cheese right now. I am not reaching it. You want the American Cheese that's living together, but sliced.

There's her. I'm talking to the people. Okay. But this shit right here, it's in the bueno. You're trying to kill me on camera. I'll just eat the caviar.

My cheese ain't melting, but it's okay.

Okay, okay. It's gonna be great. This is gonna be such a mess.

I need seven more napkins. Oh man, we'll do a dollop. Remember after this we're... Gotta go to the Ivy.

Okay, sidebar. You're tucking that into your necklace. I have to, bitch, because I have to play something. Oh, the Ivy.

Lisa, bring me that red shawl too. And then I'll be good. A bending. She's got it in a little straw drawer. I got my fingers all over everybody. Yeah, that's right. When does this come out? Where and when does it air?

Mhm.

Okay, you...

I love it.

No, you're not. You should be disowned. I'm gonna get a lawyer to write out the letter. That's why you ain't got no man. You don't understand. You don't understand me. I only get gay guys.

Maybe you need a man like me who doesn't read, doesn't listen. She keeps marrying queer guys.

Sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich nach sich selbst abnimmt und so. Und sie wollen einen Arschlöcher, der sich in... Musiker, Musiker, Facial Scrubs... Und so. Oh mein Gott. Was du brauchst, ist, dass deine Brüder auf dich runterkommen. Ich habe früher mit dem alten Spice-Mann gesprochen.

Du hattest ein Leben vor mir. Ja. You did. Because I was speaking at it. That's right. Okay. And I think you were doing a recent interview talking about what a big whore you used to be. Yep, proud of it.

Who's the most famous person you ever had sex with? Jack Black. Oh yeah, you talked about that. That's old news. Somebody else.

You should have been like James Bond.

I'm next. Ich weiß nicht, ob deine Stimme das große Mädchen öffnet.

Das Caviar bringt eine Salzigkeit. Sie ist überrascht von allem anderen. Weil sie nicht isst. Nein, ich esse auch.

Okay.

First of all... Okay, then leave it right there.

He said, I got you. Yeah, who needs you? That's not my good side. Give me my double chin. Oh my God. Okay, so first of all, the dollop is too much.

Oh, because it's gonna overpower the calf. Und der Prozess... Ich werde dich an den echten amerikanischen Käse schalten, den wir von den guten Männern hatten.

Okay, okay. And by the way, here, help yourself. I mean, I just want to look at it. Okay, I'm going to do a video of this one.

Du wüsstest nichts darüber.

Okay, listen, listen, listen. This is the bite. Okay. Okay, why is this the bite? Because this bitch been marinating. It's got juice and shit sitting on the side. I think I'm getting this truffle in my diamonds. It's okay. Watch the diamonds. You gotta scramble it. I got the ripe... Where's the tomato? Right there, it's right there. Okay, I got the ripe... Get the heirloom tomato.

You ready? Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

That was quick. Just leave the cheese off.

And you got a winner. Now. You should send this with a disclaimer though, because first of all, any woman who eats this, any man, any man, any man. Which gender? Any straight man. Yeah. Who brings a woman to Kushners restaurant to eat his fish sandwich. What the fuck is Kushner? Don't ask how black people say my name. I mean, Kreischer. Oh, Kreischer.

Okay. It's me and Kathy. We're going to eat caviar.

Any man who brings a chick to Christmas for this... What is it?

Kreischer. Okay. Any straight man that brings a woman... We are so close. Brett... Brett...

Out of the fucking can.

Quaschner.

Even I got it wrong.

Any man that brings a woman to Brett Quaschers...

Just take it.

Let's try it for a... Fish sandwich. Messy chicken sandwich.

We can? Yeah, of course. Yes, I'm just going to do the show.

Any... Straight man. Any straight man. Who brings a woman to... This guy. God damn it. We were so close. I cried. Restaurant. Kitchen restaurant. For a caviar, a messy caviar cod sandwich. Is totally expecting to get his dick sucked after this.

Mmh.

Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Mmh. Tied with sex. You want slobby noises?

I am dying laughing there. Okay, good.

Submit this bitch for the Emmy.

Why?

The name. Submit this for the Emmy.

I want to see if you're a sloppy bitch.

You already got a half. I've got caviar in my diamond. Do it, do it. Here we go. Bitch bite. She didn't even have to do all that. I don't need to take a lesson from her. I'm too sloppy with it.

Get a man class? Well, it takes a lot of patience. Okay, that we don't have. She knew me before you knew me. And I remember sitting in her hotel room with your first husband.