LeoSkepi
Appearances
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I want to give this example so cutthroat and just straight up because people need to quit with this shit. So somebody like Fiona, going back to this water, going back to this toxic relationship or whatever the hell she's doing, she knows she don't need to be doing. She's allergic to water, keeps running back to it. Me and you are going to get so fed up one day because we cannot live our life.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
We can't enjoy anything because our attention is stolen by Fiona. She's a liability. And our love for her will turn to frustration and just like annoyance because we're like, no matter what we do, we could chain this bitch down to this tanning chair and she's still going to bite her way through and go jump in the water. We don't get a minute to relax.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Fiona's way of feeling connected to us destroys us and ruins our entire life. So there's going to come a day where we say, you know what, Fiona? Jump in. And we're going to throw our hands up. And that's the day Fiona is going to walk up to the edge of that pool, look back, and be like, wait. Nobody's coming to save me from hurting myself. Nobody's coming to... Wait, what?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Her sense of connection will be severed and she ain't gonna jump back in that fucking pool. People play stupid like they don't know what they're doing. Fiona got a lot more out of that whole dynamic of jumping back into the toxic relationship and jumping back into that deep end of the pool of the water she's allergic to than just going into that. She didn't love that water.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
She didn't love that relationship. She loved how connected she felt and how looked after and safe she felt. when we had our full attention on her to protect her from it. That performative victim shit, I can't stand it. And anybody, if you notice and you can recognize, oh my God, I'm doing that, don't do that because it will make people hate you. Like, the love will turn to hate.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Because we can't rest, we can't relax. And you taking your parental issues and trying to make other people parent you and look after you is not fair, okay? So if you notice you do that, cut the shit out. And if you notice you're someone in this analogy sitting next to me and we gotta deal with this person, let them go. Because they're not stupid. That's the biggest thing to get. They'll wake up.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
As soon as you say, okay, Fiona, go ahead. She ain't jumping in the water. And if she does jump back in one more time, it will be her last time because she will have to claw herself out. She's not gonna die. It's not gonna be something where they go back and it's destroyed and they never come back. Nothing bad's gonna happen. They've been in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
They know how to get in and out at this point. They will go back, maybe one more time, but she'll climb her ass out that water and then realize, wow, and stop going back. You're people's safety blanket sometimes for them to be stupid and to avoid responsibility for what they're doing But it's for the subconscious reason that it makes them feel closer to you and it makes them feel loved.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
That's their way of feeling loved. And it's not their fault because that's something that they've learned and it's probably subconscious. But I just wanted to talk about this because everybody deals with friends or family members in dumbass relationships where they just keep going back. You just got to take the leash off. It's like trying to hold back a dog who just keeps trying to run.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
You got to just let it go. You got to see... Your life is spent just resisting them and holding them back. If they want it so fucking bad, let them go. I'm not saying go let your dog run off, but you get my point of the analogy. This is about people going and doing shit that you can't protect them from because they just want to do it. But I just want to talk about that from the friendship dynamic.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I talked about it in the last episode. You need to watch these in order because shit's nuts. But since opening up to a relationship, not that I've met the guy, but like opening up to the possibility of a relationship, the type of guy that I'm going to need is masculine, like truly masculine, not masculine where he's performing it. That's the type thing that makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
This is exhausting and it's not your responsibility. So if you got a friend like Fiona, let the bitch jump in the pool. I'll be sitting right here with you. We'll be having some wine. We'll be laughing because she's going to jump right back out. Be like, what the hell, guys? What? What? I'll be like, what? You learned your lesson this time? Cool. Come sit down. Okay.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Now let's talk about the house story. The amount of synchronicities about this whole situation is absolutely insane. So I talked about the whole thing with the performance of masculinity. That kind of came to my head after the whole dynamic with like... I believe that the guy out there... There's a guy out there for me that exists. Perfect for me. No, you can't have him. I kill you over him.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But I trust that... A guy out there for me does exist and we gonna meet, okay? I can feel it. And that's when any block that I have to it is coming up. So like the masculinity thing, I can't bend my energy because I gotta meet him in who I am. He's gonna love me for who I am. I'm gonna love him for who he is. We can't be doing that whole like energy shifting, energy dance, okay?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
We gotta show up straight up how we are and that's what it's gonna be. So... With that, I have been like open to things happening and kind of listening to my soul. And this little motherfucker has been taking me on some wild rides. But it's kind of cool because every limiting belief is cracking itself like an egg. It's just like they're all cracking and dropping out. I'm like, okay, cool.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So other day, I spent the day as the version of myself who... Has a certain amount of money in his bank account. And I was like, okay, if I was Leo with this amount of money, what would I be doing? And I was looking around my house now and I was like, I will be looking for a new house. So I get online.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I have my old like login to this website from my old realtor where I can go in and see all the houses nobody else can see. So I go on this website and I just put on some music and I'm just like in my bed perusing these little houses. And I'm like, I don't know why I'm looking for houses, but okay. And then I find this one house. It is the most me house I've ever seen in my life.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I went to the Versace Mansion for my birthday. It is my own version of the Versace Mansion because the Versace Mansion, I love the vibe of it. I love the detail and everything. But it's all like brown wood and like a more Roman look. I like a little bit more Gothic and black wood, but still like...
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
um glam like opulent like the old school shits i like that vibe like a castle and so i find this house all the trim of the fucking house is black all of the wood accents are black wood the whole kitchen black marble kitchen but not this modern shit where everything's square and like
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
kim kardashian's house i don't like that vibe i like it for other people cool it's pretty to look at i don't feel comfortable i feel like i can't fart i feel like i can't even like be a human being in a house like that like god forbid i spill something oh my god i feel like i can't live in it i like a house where i can relax a little you know i like the 90s 80s 70s houses but like sickening so this house is 1.2 million dollars
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I don't know who I think I am over here. Like looking at a $1.2 million house. But I was like, you know what? The Leo with this amount of money in his bank account that I'm trying to like line up with. Yeah. He would afford that. He would like to go look at this house. So I was like, you know what? Let me go text my realtor and go see the house.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it's like that fragile sense of a man where you feel like you have to dole yourself or like pull back and draw back. And that's how it feels like for me personally. I always get weird around men. Well, I used to. And I always thought it was about being gay. And it's not. Straight men are supposed to be the more masculine ones. In every situation.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So I text my realtor and I was like, Hey girl, can we go see this house? I could afford it. If I didn't have this house. But... It would stress me out beyond... Life. I'm very weird about money. I'm very like... I've talked about money in the past. Y'all understand my relationship with it? I'm very strategic with money. And I'm very like, whatever.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'm trying to learn a whole new relationship to it. But I'm like, you know what? This house, something feels right. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to go look. So I text my realtor. We go see the house the next day. I see the house. We pull up. Gated community. Nice boots. And I'm in Texas. So like a $1.2 million house is insane here. In LA, a million dollars will get you a shoe box.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
That's why I don't live there. And 50% tax. Go fuck yourself. So we're pulling up to the house. Three car garage. I didn't notice that before. I was like, whoa, three car garage, okay. Because I have two cars right now and I want to get a truck. But if I went and bought a truck right now, I'd have all three. All of a sudden this house got three car garage. Okay, nice. And it's like tall, nice.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like everything would fit so easily. I didn't notice that on the listing. I wasn't looking. We pull up to the fucking front of the house. There's black steel spiked gates around the whole house. That is my dream. I've always wanted a 12-foot spiked fence around my entire house. Like a little sanctuary. But if you try and jump over it and you fall on it, you're going to impale yourself and die.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Because if you make it over, I'm shooting you. So you can get stuck like a little shish kebab or I can shoot you. You can pick your deal. You know what I mean? But I just love the vibe of like a nice scary house. That's something that always has been on my wishlist. So I walk up to the door. There's a lion head. Gold on the black front door. And it's an old school turn key.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Not like the digital keypad. I don't like that. People can hack that with the Wi-Fi. So it's like an old school key for the house. And it's a gold handle. Gold lock on everything. So we walk in the house. Black marble, red marble floors, sickening. And right to the, like when you walk in the door to the right is the dining room. The coolest dining room I've ever seen in my life.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Gold wallpaper already installed for me. All the trim is black. The coffee table's black. And there's a table in that room, like toward the back, that I have saved. It's from the 70s. It's a black and gold table, black lacquer. And I've saved this table like four different times over the past three years. I've always loved it, but I couldn't find one that wasn't stupid expensive.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it was in the house. I was like, what the hell? Next to that table, there's another little like cabinet thing. And it has a little lion statue. I have that exact lion statue. And I got it from a vintage store. It was like 200 bucks. It's like a little lion. It's like all bashful. Like it looks all cute. It's the exact lion that I have. It's not one that you buy off Amazon.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's not something like that. It's like a marble lion. I don't know if it's marble or not, but like, it's just sickening and it's not something common. So it's not like, oh, you just like Amazon Prime get and everybody got the same decoration. It's not no CB2 shit. Okay. So I'm like, wow, my little lions over here and my table I've been wanting is over here. So we go walking around the house.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I walk through the kitchen. Everything's nice. Nice and black. Ooh, black cabinets, black marble. Sickening. I walked to the living room. The side tables in the living room are two side tables that I've also saved for three years. The side tables are $5,000 for the pair and they both sit in there in my face. And I asked the realtor, I was like, hey, If I buy the house, can furniture come with it?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And he was like, yeah, anything's up for negotiation. I was like, perfect. I got two side tables and a coffee table in there. What else am I gonna want? Because the decor of it was like very me. So like with me, looking at houses, Everything is usually like the structure of it. The way that it's built is wrong. This house, the structure was right. The decorations were not right.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So that's the easy part for me. I could decorate and match it to the structure of the house. Every detail, every piece of like hardware or like metal is gold. All the bathrooms, all the faucets, the showers, the trim for everything, gold. The toilets, black with gold little like pusher things when you flush it. Everything black and gold. The master bathroom, everything black marble, gold.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
That's the way everybody just kind of assumes it's going to go. I'm the opposite of that. I'm always the more masculine one. Even though I'll siss it up. But you make a joke. Make a hee hee ha ha. Anytime I'm around men. It's so obvious. And it's not just that I look and am built a certain way. That's part of it. I'm 6'7". I'm muscular. I'm a fucking asshole.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's sickening. Like the structure of the house, the way that it was built was so me. And I usually have the opposite problem. Like this house, I don't like the structure of the house. It doesn't matter how much I decorate and put my vibe on it and change certain things. If I don't renovate this motherfucker, it's never going to be what I want. And I don't want to put that much money into it.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
You know what I mean? I'm like, let's just buy a new house. And I was thinking this like just for like an idea. But after seeing this house, I'm like, gag. So it's huge. I think it was like 4,000 square feet, like 4,200, something like that. I'm like, gag. Ceilings, high, boots. Ah, everywhere. The ceilings were high. So I'm obsessed with this house. I walk outside to the back patio.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I've always wanted a fountain at my house. There's a giant fountain in the middle of the backyard. And there's a mirror at the back fence of the backyard. A mirror outside is very me. I have mirrors everywhere. Y'all know I have a thing for mirrors. I love them. There's two mirrors outside. I'm like, what the hell? I love it. I go back inside. I go walking around everywhere.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Upstairs is all carpet. It's four bedroom house. So the upstairs is all carpet. I'm like, okay, I'm going to rip all this carpet out and put leopard carpet across the whole fucking thing because they have some crazy kind of like plaid carpet up there. No. But all the details of everything were gold. Like so me. I go back downstairs. There's two office areas. There's like one.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I love stained glass windows. There's an office area that has a stained glass window. And the whole room is red. But it's not like, it's like a rusty red. It's not like a deep or like a... what's it called? Like a, it's not a wine red. It's like a light rusty red. But the way that the light came in to the little like stained glass windows that made it look like the Versace mansion in that room.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it had a little window sill with like a little bed on it. Always wanted one of those. I'm like, this will be my new recording room. It had a fireplace in it. I have a thing for fireplaces. There's fireplaces in both offices and my bedroom and upstairs. and the bookcase upstairs in the second living room is all black already. Ah! So, the first little office with the red, I'm like, sick thing.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
That'll be like a filming room and an actual office. Then, there's like a second office where it could be like, it's big enough where it could be a second little like living room. I'm like, okay T, I'll ventilate that. I'll put the ceilings that have like the ventilation so I could be my smoking room.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'd be, I have like the big living room in the middle, and then at the front of the house, there's like a separate little room. It had curved windows. Like, rounded. I've always loved that. My favorite thing in the house. That little room. I'm like, perfect. I'll ventilate it. Put a nice little sofa. Nice little second living room. I'm absolutely loving it. And I just like, feel like... Woo.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I knew this house was going to be a lot of work. It gave abandoned vibe a little bit, but I like that. Scary shit. My favorite. I love to feel scared. I don't feel scared about nothing. That's why I used to like to get so high. Like with weed. Like as soon as you get that paranoia, ooh, I was in. I love to get scared. I get startled easy. Like if there's a noise, it'll startle me.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'll be like, ah! Like I get ready, I get ski. But I'm talking like where you get so scared, you're like... Have to run and jump to your bed. I love that. I don't feel that ever. Ah, so when I could like have that, I like it. Like I like the scary. So I knew it's going to be like a little bit of a project. And I'm like, you know what? I'm kind of down for it for some reason.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Hi, friends. Change of drink over here on the side. I got a little piece of wine. I got into the wine thing recently. I never understood it my whole life. I'm like, what is this obsession people have with wine? I don't get it. If we're drinking, let's get drunk. I'd rather take a shot than drink all this liquid. I guess I grew into it. I'm 27 now. I like the wine thing. It's nice.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like, I kind of like it. I will be down. I'm over here running around like I got the fucking money to buy the house and then to put $300,000 into it to renovate it. I'm over here living like future Leo. I'm like, okay, we'll see what happens. So I all of a sudden have to piss real bad. It felt like an energetic release in a way, like it's a flush. Like when you piss, it's a flush.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And everybody feels safe with me because they know I'll protect them physically. Financially, I pay for my girls. When I'm out with my girlfriends, they don't pay for nothing. I make men feel very, very threatened because I'm gay, right? But I do not let my responsibilities as a man slip or fall. And that is the mind fuck. And it's always caused this weird like...
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But if I have like a... Different tune into my body now. I told you all about it in the last episode. It felt like a little energy release for a second. Because when I was in this house, I had zero doubt that this was possible. I didn't know how. But I just felt like it was so possible. It felt like so easy. And I see the furniture and I see the stuff in it.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I'm like, there's so many little things that are so me. There was two, what's it called? Like rock. What the? Like stone. Two fish made of stone. Like making the Pisces symbol. And the front walkway when you walk up. Okay. There's so many little synchronicities, so many things lining up. And I was like, I have to piss. So I told my realtor. He was like, let's go look at the garage.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I was like, okay, you go look at the garage. And I'm going to go look at the master bedroom one more time. Girl, I went to go piss. And I felt like I was marking my territory in a way. But I go piss in the master bathroom. And I felt like I had seen...
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
that before it was weird i had seen me pissing in that toilet before black toilet nice good handle so it was just like a weird moment where i was like okay this feels too weird give me a sign like a clear absolute sign this is meant to happen i can already feel it i know i feel very in alignment right now i can tell when i'm in alignment and out of it very easily now
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I'm like, I know I feel so in alignment right now. I don't have to ask for a sign, but I want one. I want you to put something in my face that I can't ignore. So I walk out of the bedroom and my realtor's in the kitchen. He was like, Leo, I need you to come to the garage real quick. And I was like, okay. He was like real serious about it. And I was like, all right.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So I go walking out to the garage. He goes, open the door. I said, why? You setting me up? Like, ooh, my paranoid ass. I was like, why? He looked like real scared, like scared boots to open the garage door. I was like, did you go in it? He's like, yeah, you're going to get a kick out of it. I said, okay. So I start opening the door and I rear back.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like my body reacted because there's somebody standing in my face and it was a witch. It was a Halloween decoration, life-size, looking at me eye to eye, six foot seven witch. I reared back to crack that bitch. I was scared. I got startled. I liked it. I was like, what the fuck? And my realtor starts laughing at me. I'm like, whoa.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And then I opened the door and there's like eight different or like six or eight different life-size Halloween decorations. And there's like a witch. The second one I see is a Medusa.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
right there's like a prisoner there's a couple other ones just really really weird halloween decorations and i like them i like halloween it's my favorite holiday and i was like okay the whole garage was full of shit like you could barely walk around so i was like okay cool and i was about to turn around and walk out like okay i've seen the garage it's full of shit so something told me to step forward
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I was like, I'm just going to pay attention to it. So I just like start stepping forward a little bit. And I got like the whole staircase thing to go up into the attic of the garage was down. So it was blocking my entire view and there was boxes stacked up. So something was like walk around it. My realtor's outside. He's scared of boots. So I'm just like walking around being a little nosy.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'm kind of like, what the fuck? Just taking it all in, looking at everything. When I come around the corner where the stairs were down, there's a painting of
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
right in like right across from me right in my face i'll insert a photo of it because remember how i talked about the baptism thing and how that whole experience was when i went to miami it was a fucking guy shirtless sitting with his hands up like surrendering a little bit and it was like water falling all around him it looked like me he was not in as good of shape in the painting but
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
dynamic with other men it's like i always felt so uncomfortable and had to dim myself down or like dull it down a little bit or at times i felt like in the past years ago i would have to like siss it up extra so they felt less intimidated or would be less weird but the reason when i say dull it down is My issue with masculinity is always because of a connection that I have.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But I was like dark hair, dark eyes, dark facial, like so symbolic. It literally was the baptism that I just went through. And it's a fucking hand painted thing. And it's just like sitting there across the like way that I was looking sideways. And when I saw it, full body chills, I knew that was a sign. Because when I was asking for my sign, I said, make it so undeniable in front of my face.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it was in front of my face. That immediate moment wiped out any doubt that this house was possible. I was like, 100%. All the angels, all the spirit guide, God himself, my soul, everybody on board. Everybody gonna make it happen. I don't have to fucking force nothing. Everything lining up literally blew away any doubt that I have. for my reality to fucking fix around what I want this quickly.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I was like, there's no doubt that this is possible. And I'm going to get this house if I'm meant to get this house. So being nosy as I am, I walk up the little steps, rickety dickety scary. I'm 240 pounds. I'm like, if anybody's going to break it, me. So I'm real careful. I'm in my Timberlands. I'm always ready. And I'm walking up the little stairs to go to the attic.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I don't know where, how, or what the fuck. But the way that the sun was coming in the one little window and it was like the whole attic and it was up to a point like an A shape. I'd seen it before. I've seen that attic before. And that was like a confirmation. I was like, okay, I'm getting down. This house is possible, I have zero doubt about it, okay?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
but hello hi friends i have a lot to talk about this week my soul's real chatty there's so much that's been happening and like unlocking i have a story about a house that i went to tour by accident and the amount of synchronicities that lined up you're gonna gag i'm gonna talk about like how i trust my soul and hear it and like the things that line up with it too and also like disappointments because it didn't go how i thought it was gonna win but we'll get there ah okay what do we want to hit first
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
The thing was, when I left, I was so happy that I was like, any belief I had that it wouldn't work was blown out the water. I felt so in, I felt so good. I was like, this is possible if I want it, motherfucker. I was like, I'll make it happen. But I'm not doing the whole force it thing. I'm not forcing nothing in life no more. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I weirdly, when I left, had no urgency to put in an offer. And I went home and I was like, okay, it's possible. Weirdly, I don't feel an urge to put in an offer or to start calling my business managers to say, hey, how could I get a mortgage for that house? Do I qualify with my current income? I'm pretty sure I would.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'd have been so anxious and scared and like I have to do it because I wouldn't trust that it would line up. But I'm like, I don't feel an urge to make a move. So I'm not going to. I'm just going to trust it. Whatever. Because I don't really want to stress about that. I don't really want to have to put that on myself. You know what I mean? That would be a lot. So I was like, you know what?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
If it's meant to be, it'll be. When my soul is ready to make a move, it'll make the move. After like two days... I was sending an email to my business managers about some updates of some things, some things that I bought and like the new manufacturer that I'm working with for the clothing line. Ooh, that was like a monthly thing that I'm paying them.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I was like, Hey, let you know, that's a business transaction. So it's a write-off business expense. So I'm like updating them on that. And then something at the end of the email was like, Hey, so I found this house for like 1.2 million. I would love to get on a call and like discuss options for it and like, see where we stand and see what could happen.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So like with my mom, for my stepdad, for me to have any kind of challenge present in him, for him to feel challenged by me at all was a threat to my connection with my mom. I had to stay in good standing with every man because I was close with women. Like with my sister, certain relationships she's in, it's just a weird thing between men.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I felt the urge to throw that in the bottom of the email, so I sent it. I feel like I need more wine before I keep going. Hang on. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get more. You want anything? Okay. A key piece of this story. The other day when I was at the store, I got a weird intuition soul moment of buy a bottle of champagne. I don't know why.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I don't even have champagne glasses, but something was telling me before I even saw the house, something was telling me, buy a bottle of champagne. I walked by it in the store and I was like, no, I'm not going to get it. I walked off and my body full throttle was like, turn the fuck around. So I walked over and I got it. I was like, okay, whatever.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
There was something to celebrate going to be coming soon is all I kept hearing and feeling. There's going to be something to celebrate very soon. So I'm like, Okay, I don't know what it is. I don't need to know. I'm not going to stress myself out trying to figure it out. I'm going to buy the champagne. My soul wants to go shopping now. My soul wants to buy liquor. Okay, here's your champagne.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So I get the champagne. And I come home and I put it in the fridge. I don't think nothing about it. Two days after I put it in the fridge is when I started getting the little urge to look for the house. And I found the house and I was like... After I sent the email, I was like, wait... Is that what the champagne was for? I don't know. Whatever. The next day comes. I'm feeling real good.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I feel like what I think is possible is totally different. Like, I feel free in a way. Like, so many limiting beliefs were dropped by so many things lining up in that house where I felt like it was so supported and could happen that I was like, hey, T, this could happen with no effort. Like, the way that things have been going, this could happen very easily. So... I randomly go check my PO box.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
The only people who know my PO box and send me stuff is the people on my Substack. I like it to keep it private. I don't want to be overrun with shit. If you want to join the Substack family, I'll leave a link in the description. It's like the private thing where I go live and I talk about the clothing brand updates. And also I go live and just have cigarettes each other. We hang out, we talk shit.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Anytime there's something going on, we talk about it there private. But the Substack family has the address for the PO box. And somebody sent me something. And I first, there's an artist on Instagram, a tattoo artist who made me a painting, huge, big, sickening boots. I'll insert a photo too if you're watching this on YouTube. It's a Medusa. So sick.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it has a gold frame, but it's like the exact vibe of, For the house that I was looking at. For this house, it wouldn't go. This house is too modern looking for that painting. But that painting would go exactly perfect and match the exact vibe of the Scaly House with the golden, black, and everything. So I'm like, whoa, no shit. Ha! This guy messaged me and I've been talking to him.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
He said he was going to paint me something. Okay, cool. But I didn't get the package of the painting until now. And it actually got delayed, he told me. So I was like, whoa, this lined up. Cool. I'm like, did I just get a decoration? for my new house. Cause like it could go in here, but it would go better in that house. You know what I mean? So I was like, wait, this is cool. And I didn't know.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And then I get another box in the PO box and I'm at home and I'm opening them. I opened the painting first gag sickening. Love it. I opened the second box. Somebody sent me champagne glasses. I've never talked about needing them. I've never talked about nothing. And I just bought the champagne. And the glasses were just provided for me.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I would always feel like I had to dial things back because when I show up and there's men in the room, if you're cool with me, we're going to be the best of buds, bro. bro, we gonna have like the best time. If you're someone who is performatively masculine, you will feel naked. And people start doing all kind of weird shits around me. Like they start trying to overplay themselves.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
The other thing about the glasses is they fit the exact vibe of the fucking new house. The person wrote on the note, just thought you would love these. They go with your vibe. It was so sweet. Like, I love it. And it gagged me, the timing of it. Because I just bought the champagne. And I'm like, no way. Like, this house is going to be mine. But my sister was here. So we're hanging out.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
We open all this shit together. And we're both just like in shock. Because I've told her about this whole process. I'm like, what the hell? And then... We're talking about my clothing line. And the first thing that I'm launching is a t-shirt. Sickening. You'll see. It's like an introduction from going from merch to clothing brand. Like we're taking it there.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I want to give you like a little teaser. It's gonna be a very limited shirt, but they're from Turkey. But I'm talking to my sister. I'm like, I was online the other day looking at houses and I saw this one that was like $60 million and And I was like, it was so sickening. When we do a photo shoot for the shirt, I want to do something sickening.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Maybe I can get my realtor to go let us in that house. You know what I mean? Like if I like pay him under the table or something. So I go back onto the website where all the houses are at. The little woman, my realtor let me in. And I'm trying to find this house. And when I'm scrolling past my saved properties, I see the house that I went and toured.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
is active under contract so somebody's buying it i did not skip a beat because of what happened the night before i had like a whole little come apart like soul moment but i see that the house is under contract and i'm like oh well and i keep scrolling Fully unfazed. No emotional reaction. No panic or sense of loss.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I'm just like... I kind of stopped and was like, wait, why do I not give a shit? I'll tell you in a second. But then I go find the big house and I show her. I'm like, oh, whatever. And I just go on about my day. The house is still under contract. I don't give a damn. Because the night before this... I had like a weird moment of doubt about the house. I was like, is this gonna happen?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But it wasn't even like, am I questioning if it would happen? I was questioning what it was gonna take from me. I was asking myself, do I really want a house that's gonna be a project? Like, I'm gonna have to put a lot of money into it and renovate it and like, it will be what I want it to be and more. But it is gonna be a project from hell. So I was like, you know what?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
If it's meant to come to me easily, if I'm meant to get the house and it's meant to be a fully smooth process, I want it. I'll accept it. If it's going to be a headache. I don't want it. If it don't come with ease, I don't want it. If I have to force for it, fuck it, let it go. And I kind of like declared that to myself. I was sitting in my bed. I had this whole thing.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I was like, instead of fearing and worrying and doubting, I read through the doubt. The doubt wasn't that it was possible. The doubt was, do I really want this? And so I came to a terms with it. I was like, okay, if it's meant to come with ease and I ain't got to force nothing, I'll take it. If it's not, I know. It ain't meant to be. That next morning is when I saw it was under contract.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
The relief I felt, because I know 100%, it would have been a headache from hell. I'm not worried about it. I'm not nothing. But the gag of this whole story, it don't stop here. I need to hit the wind. Oh my God. Because what I'm about to tell you, oh my God. Ah, I forgot to swirl it, I love doing this. Like a bougie asshole. But, I see the house on the contract, don't give a damn.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like they talk about how much money they make. They try and like do the whole over-masculinization thing and like try and be like having a physical altercation. You're gonna lose, okay? And I always felt like I had to like dial it back and protect myself
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And then I showed my sister, there was this other house that was double the price. $2.4 million. The one I liked was 1.2, okay? That's the one I toured that would've been a project. There was a house that I saved. It's kind of like the exact same vibe, just everything times 100. It's like almost 7,000 square feet. It's much more bedrooms. It's no renovations needed. No nothing.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like it would be fully perfect livable. And all the marble is perfect. All the trim is perfect. This house is so much better. It's got a pool. The other one only had a fountain. This one got a fountain and a fucking pool. And this one is on an acre of land. And it's like this whole, it looks like a castle. Oh my God. It's also got the scary looking vibe. Even worse. And I love it. Oh my God.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But I just saved that house the other day when I was looking at the house that I found. I'll call it the Versace house. The $1.2 million house was the Versace house. I'm looking at that one. Okay, I find the 2.4 house. And I saved it.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But the day before, so like the day that I got the painting and the day that I saw that this Versace house was under contract, the day before that, I went back to look for the 2.4 house and it was gone. The listing was gone. It said it had been removed. I was like, shit, did it sell? I didn't know. So I'm like, oh, whatever.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
When I'm back scrolling through and see the Versace house is under contract, I also see the 2.4 house is, is back available and i'm like what the hell just happened that does not feel out of reach i 100 cannot afford that right now but That first house and all of the alignment that happened, all the little synchronicities and shit made me 100% certain this will line up if it's meant to be.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
A $1.2 million house was like huge to me until I went. And then I was like, oh, that would easily happen if like I trusted it so much. I trusted my soul that much. I'm like, it would happen. It blew past my beliefs and like raised my threshold like, Because for whatever reason, call me crazy, the $2.4 million house don't seem too far-fetched.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
the situation from going there because if it ever came to a point of like a challenge actually was gonna happen, it would impact my relationship with the woman that I cared about. Friends, my sister, my mom, any woman in my life. I've always felt like I have to like, do this weird fucking dance with the men in my life because there's so many people who are performatively masculine.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
If I never saw the Versace house, I would have never considered the $2.4 million house. I clicked save on it so I could go through and screenshot it. But going to the other house, all the things lining up, feeling that supported and feeling that anchored into alignment... made me believe it could happen. And now I believe the $2.4 million house could happen.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I definitely don't know fucking how, but I don't have any kind of like reservation about it. I don't have any anxiety around it. I haven't even toured the damn thing, but I'll keep you posted as it goes. But I want to talk about this whole thing of like, it wasn't a disappointment that I lost a Versace house. It was a fucking stepping stool and like a stepping stone.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It wasn't, it was like a little like springboard. For me to get the other one, if I get the $2.4 million house, I will have to be God's favorite. Like, 27 years old and get a fucking castle. Oh my God, I would die over it. I would die for it. But truly, I feel no disappointment about losing the Versace house because it feels like a full springboard.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like, now I feel like the $2.4 million house is achievable. So I'm like, okay, cool. We're going to go with that. Like, have I lost my mind? Watch me in like a month. Be like, hey friends from the $2.4 million house. I would have to have like a welcoming party. It's so fucking big. Everybody come over. I'll get security. Get some nice liquor.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But even with the 2.4 house, I don't feel anxiety around it. I'm not forcing it. It's kind of like an idea. And I'm like, okay, cool. I do feel like I'm going to want to go see it soon. So I will text my realtor, hey, let's go see it. I'm going to wait until I feel it. But I'll keep you all posted on this whole saga.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But I wanted to talk about this specifically because all the alignment that happened and then the disappointment of it going under contract wasn't disappointment because I released it if it was going to be headache. So... I want to talk about that. Nobody talks about that. They always talk about, oh, the alignment shits and it just goes perfect. No, sometimes it doesn't.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
But sometimes it's setting you up for something bigger. So I will keep you posted. But that's all I got for this week. I've rambled enough. This episode is long enough. I'm going to go finish my wine. Actually, I'll finish it right now. That's it. That's all we got for this week. Everything you need from me is in the description.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
If you want to keep up with my social media, my TikTok, my Instagram, everything is down there. Also, Substack's down there. I'm going to be keeping you updated about the clothing launch. But within the next month, the t-shirt will be live. So, there's only a thousand. So, you got to be quick. It's going to be sickening. But I'll post photos soon.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
If you're listening to this on the audio version, hit the download button. Helps me a ton. Leave me five stars, raining and all that. If you're watching me on YouTube, hey, if you're new, subscribe. Girl, what the fuck? Hang out. Hit the thumbs up too. Oh my God, I didn't tell y'all to comment something last week. Comment a wine emoji. Because we wine assholes now.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Maybe I was meant to get a taste for the wine before I get to the big house. You know what I mean? Ooh, my castle. Comment a wine emoji if you watched it this far and you're still here. Because I'd like to see who makes it to the end. Also comment, let me know what you think. What's going on? What's tea? I'm so excited. But I'll keep you posted. Until then, everybody be safe.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And when you have someone who's truly with the shit in front of you, it like flares that up and they start acting real weird. My whole life, I've always heard, I don't know why they act like that around you. It's just a thing. I don't know how else to word it, but it's just the performative shit is kind of how it makes sense in my brain. It's not my fault you're insecure and acting weird.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I'm no longer bending myself and, like, wavering because that's what's going to block me from meeting the guy I'm supposed to meet. And I notice, like, my energy shifts as soon as a man walks into the room. Like, a straight guy, whenever they walk into the room, I always think their energy's weird. Mine shifts. And I've started to notice it.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like, as I've woken up to my body, I'll either tense up because, like, I'm ready and not tense up like I'm ready to fight. But, like... It's like a weird dominance thing with men. And a lot of women do not understand that this goes on, especially with straight men. Men have a weird thing with respect.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And anyone who knows anything about prison has dealt with a felon, has dealt with anybody who's been to prison. They can explain this to you better. With men, there is an unspoken underlying form of communication where you are kind of big dick in each other and nobody knows. It's clear in front of everybody's face.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
When it comes to the handshake, when you meet somebody, when it comes to the eye contact, when it comes to watching your movements and the way that you do, we're sizing each other up. That's how it is. That's just, there's a whole other nature and aside to this. And people don't know about it. And I never hear people talk about it.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
So I would like to talk about it as someone who can hang in a room with all straight men and someone who can hang in a room with, I don't want to hang in a room with all gay people. They annoying. Like if everybody's cool, we're cool. But like they're too performatively like the opposite.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it like, it's a hard thing to balance and navigate, but there is a whole unspoken language that men speak that, That is a problem. And if you ever notice a problem between two men just start out of nowhere, it's not out of nowhere. There's an underlying communication being had between men. And that's just something people need to wake up to.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And I don't think anyone else can talk about it besides men. But I don't think men know how to explain that. Because... Men who are like having podcasts and men who are like spiritual are usually pussy. They can't hang in that dynamic. They don't have the strength and like the wherewithal and the knowledge to talk like that. It's a whole hidden communication between real men.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Like actually masculine men have that weird dynamic and performatively masculine men are too obvious about it. It's like, there's so many situations. I don't know why I want to keep talking about this, but there's so many situations where like, you'll do that thing with a guy. Like when I meet you, we see who's going to break first.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's like, who's going to hold eye contact longer or who's going to size who up. And when you meet someone who's actually masculine as a man, you're we'll do the thing where you like have that unsmoking communication. And then if you match each other and neither of you bend, it's usually like a little, like you smile and you throw your head up.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's like an acknowledgement where you do your head down of like, bitch, I see you. Like we respect each other. You know what I mean? The fragile ones would want to turn it into an issue. But when you truly meet somebody who's like with it, It's different. And it's just like a respect thing. And then you could become like best friends. Like all my friends who are like that, it started like that.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Let's say performative personalities. That's something that's been irking the hell out of me is especially performative masculinity. But people's personalities and when they're being performative, it's one of the most like, what is it called? Off-putting. And like, it's the thing that makes me want to push people away the most is when I see you performing.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's got to come with respect though. Cause even though I'm gay, I'll still mop the floor with you and I'll still pay for your bitch. So that's a weird dynamic. I'm not disrespectful about it, but I want to talk about this because all gay men feel very, very uncomfortable, uh, around straight men. And there's a big thing going on with my social media.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's like straight men have found me and they love me. And they're like, why the fuck do I love this guy? It's because I make them feel safe. When you can allow a man to not have to perform masculinity, That's when they relax and feel safe. They're safe to like me and they know it because, like I said, I'm more of a man than most men.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Just because I'm gay don't mean my responsibilities as a man fall. I'm Albanian. I'm old school. My values and morals are going to stay like that. And... When people who have to perform masculinity are around someone like me who don't give a damn. Like, we're going to be who we're going to be. We're going to hang out. We're going to talk shit. You can sit up with me. You can relax around me.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And you're not my type. Like, I'm not into the type of people who like me that are straight. And I mean the ones that are performative with the masculinity shit. But that's the thing. I've been noticing it and observing it. I need to take a sip of my wine. It's just sitting here. But the thing that made me think of that, not me chugging it by accident.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
The thing that made me think about the whole performative masculinity thing is someone in my last episode commented performative stress. And I was like, wait, gag. That's so funny. Cause like we stress ourselves out and it's just performative. Like you have to convince other people you're stressed out or you have to convince yourself that you're stressed out. So you feel productive. A
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And feel safe to do that. They have to like be doing shit or like stress out mentally. So they feel like they're being productive. It's like performative productivity and performative stress. And then that unlocked like the whole performative masculinity thing. And truly masculine people are not going to be intimidated by other men.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And that's something I had to realize with the guy that I'm going to be with. Whoa, I just said that by accident. It is gonna happen. My body knows it. The guy I'm going to be with, I can't have that energy shift when I meet him. And I have to not have my energy shift preparing for other people's bullshit. It's like true masculinity is going to stand there and it's not going to waver.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'm going to be who I am. And I've been doing that. I am who I am. And no matter what room I walk in, I don't chameleon myself anymore. I used to do that all the time. Like if I walked into a room and nobody knew me, I would chameleon like I was straight just to feel out the vibe of the room before. You let it be known or before you do something because people do treat you different if you're gay.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
You got to hide it a little. I used to feel like I did. But the more that I've just relaxed into it and I don't give a damn. I'm not shifting my energy. True masculinity don't shift. It's like I look at it like being a lighthouse. Like you stand in there. I'm a stand and I'm a shine my little light. And no matter what wave crashes into me, I'm still shining my little light. I don't give a damn.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
I'm not falling down. So whoever wants to fight about it, get mad about it, cry bitch. But I've noticed the interactions that I'm having with men in life now are not so ego driven. I'm not like flaring up people's like performative masculinity because I make them feel safe to just like chill out. Cause I'm not rigid. I guess I'm not being like performative or, It's not even being performative.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's like, I'm not putting a wall up just like for protection. It's like, I'm just being myself and letting the truth of me be shown. If I intimidate you, so be it. Am I about them? It's not intentional. And I think that's the thing now where it's like very clear. It's like, I just relax. I'm good. It's not intentional. If I intimidate somebody, they're inspired to ask questions.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And with performative masculinity, that is running rampant in society and and I wanna bash my head into the wall. Like, it's not that bad. I wanna bash their head into the wall. But for me, my whole life, I think it might have to do with being gay, and I know a lot of gay people will relate to this, and especially women.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
It's like so weird. The shift that's happened and how quick it mirrors and the external. Weird boots. But one more thing I want to talk about. Random as hell. And then we're going to get into the story about the house. Oh, my God. I don't know how to really word this. It's like goes along with the performative kind of trend that I've been noticing. It's like performative victimhood.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And it's not performative like you're a victim, you're a crybaby bitch. It's like, just an example. Someone who is in a bad relationship or they're in a toxic relationship. Let me use the example. Me and you are both friends with somebody. Let's name them... Fiona, I don't know, Fiona, she gonna be a dumb ass. Okay, he goes, Fiona, she's in a toxic relationship.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Or Fiona, it could be a guy, it could be a girl, who cares? Fiona's over here in a toxic relationship. We're all three friends. Me and you are over here watching this shit be so awful. And she comes to us about her problems. She is always talking about how bad it is, but how much she loves this person she's with. So she just keeps going back.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And every time she goes back, she gets hurt, and then we have to pick her up and be there for her. Her sense of connection to us is to do with being the damsel in distress. So, Miss Fiona over here. It's like Fiona keeps running into the deep end of the pool and she don't know how to swim. And me and you are sitting here. We trying to have a beach day. We trying to relax. We trying to tan.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
We trying to have a good time. Me, you, and Fiona. And Fiona's dumb ass keeps running to the pool. As soon as we don't have our eyes on her, she goes running to the pool. Because what happens? We come running after her to save her. Or if she jumps in, we jump in and get her. And we save her. Okay. The level of exhaustion it takes for me and you to have somebody like Fiona in our life.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
This is like an incessant, very draining dynamic. This person, Fiona over here, she knows don't go in the water. She knows it. Let's say she's allergic to the fucking water, whatever it is, because to say, oh, you can just learn how to swim. No, she's allergic to this water. Every time she gets in it, she don't know how to swim and it gives her hives, okay?
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
She just keeps running into this dam pool. I just love it so bad, you guys, you have no clue. And me and you over here sitting here, We cannot relax while Fiona is in our life. While we love Fiona and care about her, we cannot relax because anytime we sit down at this little pool, anytime we do not have our attention 100% on her, she's throwing herself back into danger.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
Now, the dynamic with somebody like Fiona is going to flip because... We're going to be constantly running to save her, trying to talk to her. This is why you shouldn't go back. This is why you shouldn't go jump in and why do you feel now? Why do you keep going? We could sit here and talk to her blue in the face. We're going to be there for her. We're going to go save her.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
All women will understand this and get it, but I've always felt weird around men. There's only been a couple of men who I've felt comfortable around, but the whole performative masculinity thing, I see it and the way that it's been breaking down in my mind is it relates to the whole thing of like me having a little spiritual experience of a partner that I'm supposed to meet, a guy.
Aware and Aggravated
36. The House Didn’t Fall Through— The Ceiling Blew Off
And she's getting a big sense of connection. She's getting a weird childhood wound parented by having somebody like us look after her because we're our attention is on her 24 seven. And she takes it as the reassurance that we love her. A lot of people get caught up in these dynamics and I've been in them before.