LaMaire Lee

What's up? I'm Jamie. I feel like I look like Ariel if she collected vibrators instead of forks. Thanks, guys. Despite how I look, I do love my dad. You know, I love my dad so much we share a one-bedroom apartment together. I hear some of your reactions. I see your faces. You're like, how does she do that? Fuck my dad. No, that's crazy. Perverts, all of you. No, it's easy.

I stay in the master bedroom. My dad stays on the mantle. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. Oh, you guys thought I had red hair and a dad? Come on. No, I have an OnlyFans. RIP, he's proud. I would sell my voice. just to hear my dad say I love you one last time. All right, thanks guys, I'm Jamie.

Thanks for having me. How long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? I started in Boston, then went to Miami, and now I'm here.

Yes, I have a podcast, Two Girls One Blunt.

Full time.

Two girls, one blunt.

Yeah. Good observation.

I love the music. I love how nice everybody is.

I love the dating scene.

It's going great.

Yeah, men are actually responding back.

It's a good thing.

Yeah, I'm a Miami 4. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. I'm the one they don't let in the club.

He'll hit on me after the show. It's fine.

Or he'll look up my OnlyFans. I don't know.

Nope.

I'll let him find it.

It's a topless comic.

That's how I started. Yeah, I would do like topless open mic comedy. It was terrible and I was fat. And somehow I made a lot of money doing it. So here we are living the dream.

My dad is proud.

Yeah, you like...

Oh my, I have like a rational fear and I don't know what this is. Maybe it was a past life, but I'm terrified of sleeping on my back. Cause I think when I'm sleeping on my back, someone's going to stab me directly through the nipple. And that would make my topless comedy pretty hard.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's trying.

You know, I think what every girl does when they go through a breakup. Right, ladies? We dye our hair. We do something we can control.

No, this was like in 2020.

I went through a breakup that night, starred in OnlyFans, dyed my hair red. I was feeling a lot of things.

Not long. I didn't say I was mentally well, guys, okay? You could have got that from the comedy.

Well, I just stay home with my four cats. Four cats? Yeah, why go anywhere when I can stay at the pussy palace, you know?

Yeah, breakup, cat, you know.

I'm a good time, okay, don't judge.

Bookie!

I'll talk to you after the show.

Sounds like a family.

Not really. No, I've just been going on dates.

I need those papers first.

The STD ones.

Make sure they're good.

Yeah, I go, you want to fuck? Get tested. It's really easy. And if they're into you, they'll get tested.

Well, it's somebody I've been, like, going out with for a while, like, on multiple dates. Now we're at that point.

Yes.

Yeah. You're good, you're good, we're all good.

Or do you have them retest before every... Well, I'm like, yeah, hopefully I'm fucking someone I trust, and then they're like, hey, I hooked up with someone, I'm going to get tested before we sleep together. That's the right thing to do. Why is that foreign?

Yeah, I trust men.

Yeah. And how much would one of those go for?

Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you. I got a dead girlfriend, and I... Oh, really? Yeah. You do? Yeah. I went and I did a show that night, so I understand totally what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on. Stop.

When I was first starting comedy, back in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, 717 till I died.

She had pancreatitis, a very avoidable disease. Unless...

She got sick, and after two weeks, she passed away.

She went to the hospital, and they kept sending her back. They were like, that's not what you got. Oh, my God.

It's okay. I didn't mean to take the moment away from you.

Like, yeah, fuck that guy, I get it.

Have you ever heard of spun fun, Tony? Uh-uh. That's when you do meth and you fuck. Wow. Have you ever done that?

Okay, La Mer? I'm speechless. Thank you. They forgot about my joke.

Oh, okay.

Why'd you put the blacks in on motherfuckers? Is it because I related to you? Exactly.

Doesn't it look like he sings mariachi at Whataburger? A joke.

These guys look mad.

Can you sell Tony a pair of boots right now?

I'm sorry. Tony, I wish this guy would boot scoot and boogie off the stage.

I didn't do it. I don't hit women. Also, on the having sex with fat ladies thing, let's not speak for everybody.

Oh, no. Oh, I know. I do look like an auntie without a beard. What?

I agree, Tony. I recently had to take down three of my own fire alarms.

Black fat ladies are undefeatable.

Okay, LaMare? Doesn't Matt look like DEI short round? From Indiana Jones?

It's not a bad decision. It's a young, hot babe. What? It's a young, hot babe. What is he supposed to do? Yeah, what could go wrong, pancreatitis?

I was just going to say, eye contact, sex, kind of rules. LaMare. LaMare.

I was judging a roast battle, and Sarah was on it, and I learned she's a racist.

Try it. We should all try. Tony, I think you got to stand up. She gets low. It's like from her balls.

Fucking look at this. I love Mr. Ed, Tony. Oh, my God, Seabiscuits.

I gotta be honest, Tony, that's a lot of money to me.

It is a lot of money, Dio.

Colton's one of the funniest people in the city, dude.

It's great. Lewis, could you have the whole Absolute show at Skankfest? Because it's a really great show. That's crazy.

Yeah.

Are you talking about when Trump gives a speech? Is that a dog whistle?

$20.

Hi, guys. So I have two older brothers. One is autistic and one's a Jehovah's Witness. So I have two autistic older brothers. That's fun, right? We can laugh at Jehovah's Witnesses. They're not here. There's alcohol and fun. They can't be near this place. This is a safe space. My autistic brother, he's cool. He's high functioning. That means he does normal stuff, like he drives.

He's not great at it, but he does it. He T-boned a UPS truck a few years ago, which is like pretty hard to do, right? And then a few months after that, he got a job at the airport driving jet fuel trucks, which that's terrorism, if you ask me. It's like, did you check his stats? They're not great, but who else would you want fueling a jet plane besides an autistic person?

Like, he really gives a fuck about that plane, you know? Thank you. He also smokes weed, which is pretty fun. I give him weed, I should say. It's cool, because we smoke weed together, and he becomes not autistic, which is the opposite of what happens to me. Like, smoke a joint, go to Chipotle, and I'm just like, dude, you gotta order. I'm nonverbal. They all think I'm gay. All right, thanks, guys.

Yes, sir.

No, I moved here a month ago.

Oh, yeah. I got fired on my day off. You did? Yeah. What'd you get fired for? They just wanted to bring back the guy that was suspended for sexual harassment.

Terrible.

It's worse than purgatory. It's a bunch of retards thinking they're funny. It's just...

Yeah, especially because my girlfriend's alone with them right now.

This, I guess. Yeah.

Not here, no. Right. On the East Coast, I was fine, but I'm new here. Okay.

Crying a lot. I saw a homeless guy with his mom, and that made me sad because my mom's dead. I was like, I would give anything to be homeless with my mom right now. Wow, there you go.

basketball really yeah wow a master of posting up underneath the hoop getting rebounds i'd imagine boxing out yeah white man ball absolutely bounce passes yeah matt loves the spurs i do i'm tim duncan in the post you you guys really know each other yeah we're actually boys dude it's crazy that we're both here right now it is incredible it is absolutely my apartment like three times

Nothing. Not really interesting.

I got a dog. Okay.

Please. My dad, Lemaire.

Okay. Very good. Middle name Jermaine after Jermaine Jackson. Okay. That's an interesting pick. What made you name him after Jermaine Jackson? I just wanted to raise a strong black man.

Yeah, I don't think he meant it.

Thank you.

Bye.

Me and my boys like to watch special Olympic highlights to feel better about ourselves. And we were watching women's field hockey because feminism. When he came in and he said, would you hit that? And I said, I can't. And it's because if you have sex with a special needs girl, sir, you will be looked at as a predator, as someone who's taking advantage of someone, and you need to do better.

If I have sex with a special needs girl, oh, Drew finally found love. And I deserve to be canceled because I drive a car and I pay my bills. I shouldn't be on a date with someone who needs a chaperone. And my boy said, Drew, you're terrible with women. You're like a shitty bowler. You need to use the fucking bumpers because you may not be cool using bumpers, but at least you hit something.

I am one grilled cheese sandwich combo and a Wiggles concert away from getting the best sloppy toppy of my life. Thank you all so much.

It felt okay. It felt a little tongue-tied at the end, but I'm getting my pacing down. I'm not just yelling Reddit. That's true.

No, my mom told me that. She's like, you need to stop yelling. Reddit is hammering you. Your mom reads Reddit?

She is an elementary school teacher. Wow. goodness has she always done that yeah yeah for about 20 years now she's almost ready to retire okay so what level is she teaching exactly so she fluctuates she'll go from third grade to fifth grade she'll loop which means stays with the same students for two years like it's just depends right right right right right and uh what uh level are you at

Level enough to fuck your mom. Whoa! What the fuck was that?

Thank you!