Kristen Schaal
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
I'm a mom of three children and to have innocent little 12-year-old girls be forced to have a government injection Oh, Advantage Bachmann! Und sie wird das Advantage zurückgeben. In 3, 2, 1. There's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine. She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Well, John, when a man loves a woman very much, he gives her a special close hug with his penis. It's called ****. That's the street term.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Okay. When two people who love each other ****. You can get an STD called the Human Papilloma Virus. In women, HPV has been proven to cause cervical cancer. Fortunately now, there's a vaccine called Gardasil that prevents HPV. Which is good, because one in two sexually active people will get HPV in their lifetime. And I don't have it, so... Don't worry, John, I said sexually active.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
You were scared for a minute. So cute. I was a little scared.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Well, it's not really that strange. In some ways it's a regional issue. Minnesota doesn't have to worry about HPV as much because they wear so many layers. Finding genitals is next to impossible. Take it from someone who wages at the St. Paul Hooters, okay? But I'm willing to overlook Congresswoman Bachmann's regional bias because she's the last female candidate in this race.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
That's why I printed up 6,000 Bachmann from my cold dead vagina bumper stickers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
They're lady nuts and I happen to like them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Oh Mann, da geht der Markt für meine Michelle Bachmann. Ich habe ein Auge auf deine Vagina-Kondome.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Well, John, now I'm torn. On one hand, Governor Perry is taking care of Texas vaginas, but he did it with a government mandate to force it on young girls. It's like he's trying to turn Texas into some kind of punani state. Michelle Bachmann, on the other hand, is arguing for a woman's right to choose, but only if that choice is getting cancer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
The truth is, neither one is the strong pro-vag candidate women are looking for. But you know who I feel the worst for? The children.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Well, that. But also because they'll never get to play with my Michelle Bachmann big mouth Billy vagina. Take me to the clinic.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Vaccines
Yes, and I have 10,000 of them in my garage. If they all go off at once, it's a nightmare. It'll be very loud.