Kim Scott

And so I sat down to have a conversation with Alex that I should have started, frankly, 10 months previously.

And when I finished explaining to him where things stood, he kind of pushed his chair back from the table.

He looked me right in the eye and he said, why didn't you tell me?

And as that question was going around in my head with no good answer, he looked at me again and he said, why didn't anyone tell me?

I thought you all cared about me.

And now I realize that by not telling Alex, thinking I was being so nice, sparing his feelings, he's now getting fired as a result of it, not so nice after all.

It was a terrible moment in my career, but it was too late to save Alex.

Even Alex at this point agreed he should go because his reputation on the team was just shot.

All I could do in that moment was make myself a very solemn promise that I would never make that mistake again, and that I would do everything in my power to help other people avoid making that mistake.

And that is why I'm here talking to you all today.

Now, I want to talk to you not only about how this works, how ruinous empathy works in one-on-one relationships.

It also works on team culture, or doesn't work.

Often I'll work with a team, and they start out radically candid.

Small group of people, they know each other really well, it's kind of easy for them to show they care and challenge.

And then because of that, they find some success and they grow.

And then they succumb to the gravitational pull of ruinous empathy.

And then things start going wrong, but nobody wants to be mean, nobody wants to talk to anybody else, everybody's getting really agitated, and then finally somebody bursts out and says the thing.

Anybody ever see that happen?

Maybe not in the best way, but it works.

And because it works, they do it again, but maybe they do it a little more.