Kelly McDaniel
Appearances
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I think what surprised me is there was nothing in my clinical training that prepared me for this. Let's get into it. Kelly, es ist schön, dich zu sehen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Whenever I work with women, whether they're healing their relationship with their body and food or with lovers and friends, the root is mother hunger. Was mich überrascht hat, war, dass nichts in meinem klinischen Training mich dafür vorbereitet hat. Es wurde nicht diskutiert. Die Primitivität der frühen Verbindung wurde nicht angeschaut. Ich musste also andere Wege finden, mich zu trainieren.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Eine der anthropologischen Autoren, von der ich wirklich viel gelernt habe, war Helen Fisher, Dr. Helen Fisher. Sie spricht darüber, wie wenn wir in Liebe fallen, ist es eine temporäre Verrücktheit. Wir verlieren unsere Gedanken. Und das ist universal, weil es so viel Dopamin gibt, wenn wir in Liebe fallen. Und wir brauchen diese Dopamin, um gut zu fühlen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
They did brain scans on the brain in love and noticed that the same parts of the brain light up with love as cocaine. And so when you think about how primary this need for love is, if it's not getting met in a healthy way, we're going to find a substitute. We have to. And a lot of times the first substitute we have access to before the high that comes from cocaine or alcohol or work is food.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wenn wir darüber nachdenken, was eine Mutter tut, war ich mir nicht sicher, wann ich dieses Buch schreiben würde. Ich habe Mütterhunger in meinem Büro gesehen. Ich hatte es genannt. Ich wusste nicht, wie man es operationalisieren oder darüber schreiben würde. Also habe ich in der Diktatur geschaut, was die Definition von Muttering ist.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und es sagte, dass man für jemanden kümmern würde, wie eine Mutter kümmern würde. Wie ist das hilfreich? Also ich denke, es gibt hier kulturell einen wirklichen Blindspot über die Primitivität der Mutter-Kind-Diade. Wie wichtig das ist. Mit dem gesagt, jeder Junge, der die Zeit hat, die Willung zu ernähren, zu schützen und das Kind zu bewegen, kann das tun.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Es muss nicht die biologische Mutter sein, sondern es muss eine Primärattachment-Figur sein, die die meiste Zeit mit diesem Kind verwendet, um eine sichere Attachment zu schaffen. Also, obwohl wir Mütterhunger sagen, denke ich gerne an die Mütter in Bezug auf diese drei Dinge. Wenn wir eine Mutter brauchen, brauchen wir Nahrung. Wenn wir eine Mutter brauchen, brauchen wir Schutz.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und wir brauchen Behandlung.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I love that you said whatever kind of loss it is, because a lot of mother hunger is ambiguous loss, meaning unless she died. If she's physically there, but emotionally not there, we're going to feel the loss, but not know what it is or why. So a lot of mother hunger is very ambiguous. And for this reason, and because it's taboo to talk about our mothers in any authentic kind of way,
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I think the essence of mother hunger is twofold. One is frozen grief. The grief for not having access to her in the way we need her, whether she is alive or gone, freezes in her body. Weil es unabhängig ist. Wo gehen wir, um darüber zu sprechen? Es gibt kein Support-Grupp.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wenn wir herausfinden, dass wir Kanzer haben, wissen wir, dass wir Unterstützung brauchen, um durch den Heilungsprozess zu gehen, der mit der Behandlung, den Tätigkeiten und den Besuchern.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
There's a roadmap for grief, so the grief doesn't get frozen, it can flow. With something that's disenfranchised in our culture that we don't acknowledge or we don't know about, we don't have a name for it, the grief will freeze in the body. That can cause all kinds of complications that we can talk about. But the other element is shame. I think for lots of daughters, lots of us,
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
How do you move past that with people that come to see you? Whether it's the frozen grief or the, you know, what did I do wrong? Well, moving past it can take quite some time and tenderness. And I find that our bodies, the wisdom of our body, knows what we need for healing. We're designed to heal, actually. But the body will wait till there's the correct environment.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
The correct environment begins with a name. If the name resonates, the body's already like, ah, and healing begins. But then we also need healing. Ja, das ist es. Und die Leute fühlen sich manchmal so über die richtige Diagnose, oder? Wenn jemand sagt, oh, vielleicht hast du ein Problem mit dem Aufmerksamkeitsrisiko, ist es so, oh.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Well, it was an accident. There was no term, mother hunger. But I remember when I was a young woman and I was in my graduate program for English literature and I read Adrienne Rich. She wrote this beautiful book of woman born. And in that book it said, the loss of the mother to the daughter and the daughter to the mother is the essential female tragedy. And that hit me.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Aber es ist interessant, was Kinder und Kindeskinder brauchen, Nahrungs- und Schutzberatung, finde ich, dass das, was meine Klienten brauchen, um sich zu heilen. Also, wenn ich die Umgebung biete, die nahrungsfähig und sicher fühlt, And appropriate guidance, which is where I needed to go get a lot more training. Because I wasn't taught this. That's what creates healing.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I believe we live in a culture that sentimentalizes motherhood, romanticizes motherhood. Das gibt der Mutterheit nicht die richtige Anzahl von Studien, nicht anders als das, was wir mit Frauen und Menopause finden. Oder bei jedem Gesundheitsproblem. Die Finanzierung ist nicht da, die Priorität ist nicht da.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und viele von uns fragen sich, was ist mit meinem Körper falsch, wenn wir in die Menopause gehen? Ich denke, dass es das Gleiche mit der Mutterung ist. Mütter werden nicht gelernt. Jede Mutter ist zuerst eine Tochter. Wo lernen wir? Von unseren Müttern, von unseren Großmüttern. Wo haben sie gelernt?
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und deshalb denke ich, dass Psychologie, wie auch Medizin, nicht so gut informiert ist, wie die Primitivität dieser Beziehung ist.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
The relationship with our mothers changes throughout the lifespan. And I find that some mothers are more transparent with their daughters than others about their own menopause journey. I think every menopause journey is as unique as each mother-daughter bond, perhaps. My mother, for example, if you were to talk to her about menopause, she'd say, menopause, I didn't have any problems.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
No problems at all, you know, never, mm-mm. But in hindsight, I can remember, I didn't know what it was, seeing some mood swings and some unpredictable behavior. And maybe I even saw some hot flashes, but it was just written off as, oh, it's just hot in here. But I did come to it totally unprepared. Because she sailed through it. So I thought, it's not going to happen to me.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Or she thinks she sailed through it. She thinks she sailed through it. And I do feel like for her mother... Und für sich selbst war es nicht ermittelt, zu sagen, dass ich kämpfe. Es gab eine echte Ethik von, ich habe das, ich kann alles machen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Well, I think when we live in a culture that values pull yourself up by your bootstraps and independence more than interdependence and the fact that we need each other, anything that would make us feel a little vulnerable might also leave us feeling one down. That we are below someone with more capacity, someone with more power. And that's a threatening feeling.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Which reminds me, one of the things I will ask a woman when we're working together to help her identify her story. What happened when you got your period for the first time? Had you been told about it? Was your mother there? Did you know what was happening? Do you remember what happened? What does that show you? Unsere Ermittlungsgeschichte erzählt uns viel über die Mutter-Tochter-Beziehung.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wenn sie ihre Tochter vorbereitet hat, wenn sie feierlich war oder wenn sie enttäuscht oder enttäuscht war. Generell, wenn eine Mutter für ihre Tochter menstruiert, ist es so, wie sie sich über ihr eigenes Körper, ihren eigenen Menstruationszyklus fühlt. So I think it's just really positive when I hear of a mother who celebrated it with her daughter.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I didn't know why, but my whole body reacted. The fact that a mother-daughter could be central in any way was already kind of mind-blowing. But then to really acknowledge that that loss is tragic felt very true to me. Fast forward 20 years and some other trainings and I'm working as a clinician with women primarily.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Those stories are not as common as the ones where daughters would begin to bleed and didn't know where her mom was or didn't know what was happening.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Frauen, die sich wirklich schuldig fühlen, wenn sie sich schuldig fühlen, dass sie ihre Mutter kümmern müssen, dass sie sich schuldig fühlen müssen, weil wenn sie nicht gut gekümmert wurden und jetzt müssen sie sich kümmern und kümmern müssen, dann wird das Schmerzen wieder auftauchen und es kann mit Schmerzen und Schmerzen kommen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und ich sehe viele Frauen, die sich vor Schmerzen befinden, wenn das passiert.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I think it's helpful just to know that it's okay. That of course if you were not adequately mothered, to turn around now and mother the mother hurts. Physically hurts. And it's tiring. And you can't really explain it to her. And it may feel like nobody understands. And you may feel like a really ungrateful daughter if you try to talk to anyone so you get lonely.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
You don't know what to do with these feelings. And so I just think if maybe hearing this can soothe the part of you that feels like a bad girl, you're not a bad girl. If you feel burned out or tired or you just don't want to do it.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Mütterhunger beeinflusst definitiv das Verabschieden. Ja, warum ist das? Warum ist das? Because we have a woman's brain is designed for relational connections. So every relational connection that goes into our heart and penetrates, we're going to remember it. But I remember as a little girl and a developing adolescent people saying, oh, you know, you're young, you'll get over it.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
What I have found is that with women with mother hunger, which means on some way we are insecurely attached, sometimes we don't get over those early, early heartbreaks that come from love that doesn't go well. But the truth is, whoever we had a crush on, whoever we want to date, whoever we fall in love with is part of our story of how we attach.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
And these are women that are struggling with things that most of us struggle with, relationships and food. And so if either had become addictive and we were distilling it a bit, like what's happening? I heard over and over again, I want my mom.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Mother's Day is so difficult. I hear so many stories of women that would stand in front of the row of Hallmark cards, reading them, and not one single card felt authentic, felt real. Like, I can't pick up this card because that's not the way my mother... Das ist nicht so, wie ich sie erlebe.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und ich habe mit Frauen gesprochen, die ihre Mütter verloren haben, und an Müttersdagen, wenn sie in der Schule sind, und es sind Dinge, die sie machen sollen, Kunstwerke oder Projekte, um sie zur Mutter zu bringen, wie tragisch das ist. Ich habe bemerkt, und ich weiß nicht, ob ihr das bemerkt habt, aber in den letzten drei Jahren,
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I've noticed that some social media and marketing campaigns have started to develop some sensitivity to this. They may even put a trigger warning out. If you don't want to hear about us or about Mother's Day, block us during May. I've been encouraged by this, that there's a recognition that this is not going to feel good for everybody. And it can be difficult as a daughter.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
It can be difficult as a woman who wanted children and didn't get to have them. It can be difficult for mothers who lost children. It is difficult in so many ways. And speaks right to the fact that our culture sentimentalizes it, minimizes what an essential, important relationship this is.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Genau. Whether it was an aunt, a friend, a babysitter, a teacher, whoever gave you a sense, even if it was only for 30 seconds, that you are delightful. That's something to think about on Mother's Day.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I think we need to forgive our mothers in order to be happy within ourselves. Forgiveness is something we really do to loosen up any resentment we feel, to let ourselves off the hook of being angry or hurt or jealous. We can forgive our mother whether she's alive or not. We can forgive our mother whether she apologizes or not.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
One of the terms I came up with in Mother Hunger is called an apology ache. Most adult daughters that I talk to are aching for their mother to see them, acknowledge where she was hurtful, not available, and say I'm sorry. and change the behavior. Not just say, I'm sorry, oh poor me, but literally change the behavior. What I find is that in forgiving our mothers, that apology ache gets smaller.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
And then we don't project it onto our lovers and friends. But until we forgive our mothers, we might be looking to our lovers and friends to compensate for where she was actually the one that was hurtful.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Well, being an emotional eater is also part of being human. Eating is like love. It's nurturing. So it depends on the spectrum of deprivation. Am I working with a woman who's feeling deprived, that you starve yourself? I'm going to encourage that eating well is a form of self-care and fuel and keeps us healthy in life. But that's going to take a long time.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Even if you don't have a daughter.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Part of grief is anger, part of grief is blame, and those are stages to go through not to feel guilty about. Anger when it gets mixed with shame, and shame is part of mother hunger, because mother hunger is essentially a word for loneliness. Like I'm alone in the world. I don't have a place to land, to feel safe and feel good.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
It's an honor. I love that I get to. Oh, that's so nice to hear. I love what I get to do. But yes, because we're human, we're going to need to fill those needs that were lost. So if I missed out on nurturing, I'm probably going to really need to get regular massage. I'm going to need to eat really well, take walks, take naps, rest. How many of us saw our mothers rest? Never. Never. Never. Never.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I define it as a distinct craving or yearning for a quality of love that we actually assign to mothers. This yearning can get confused with romantic love, but it's a craving for nurturing and safety and for someone to admire.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
It was seen as lazy, but it's actually really a form of nurturing. And if we didn't see our mother nurture herself, chances are we didn't see her nurture us either. Let's say that we grew up not feeling very safe. We're going to really want to curate an environment of safety and may not know how to do that. That's where guidance really helps.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Depending on the degree of mother hunger, that guidance could come from friends, family, even religious institutions. But more extreme forms of mother hunger, namely third degree mother hunger. Das ist eine Kategorie, die ich mitgebracht habe, die erklärt, was passiert mit dem Verbindungssystem, wenn eine Tochter eine Mutter hat, die verletzt war, die tatsächlich furchtbar war.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Also ist das Objekt des Verbindungssystems, das wir sehr brauchen und wollen, auch furchtbar. So we learn to bond in fear. Is that what we do in relationships online? And then that's what we do in relationships. We will attract partners that other people might look at and say, oh, that's a bad idea. That person's kind of scary. But we don't see it.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Because we grew up bonding to somebody who was untrustworthy. Our love attachment system thrives on that, knows how to deal with it. That feels like love. And it can take a long time and many broken relationships before a woman may pause and say, I'm the common denominator here. Something in me is hurting and needs attention. And that's when professional help really helps.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
To identify what was lost, identify that when you attach to someone who was dangerous, Es hat wirklich dein Beziehungssystem verletzt und du wirst einen Break von Beziehungen brauchen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Um das Verlangen zu füllen, genau, genau, weil wir nicht stehen können.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Well, I've called it different things. When I see a pattern, a woman who's struggling to break the cycle of one relationship after another, and they're starting to get progressively more dangerous, let's say, or more risky, or her value system is getting compromised more and more, that's when it starts to look like an addiction. Yeah. Where we do something, and if you think about falling in love,
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
That dopamine high, the temporary insanity, right? It's pretty euphoric. Sure. We feel really high. You want it to last forever. We want it to last forever. And there's a real reason this is biologically so strong. But we can get really attached to those dopamine hormones when we have mother hunger. Because we're hungry. We're starving. And that feels like what we need.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
So it's easy to get trapped in a cycle of falling in love without staying in love.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Ich denke, es gibt eine Unterschiede zwischen gesundheitlichem Selbstbewusstsein und Nahrung und Verabschiedung. Ich denke, viele der Dinge, die wir auf Social Media sehen, können auf Verabschiedung hinschauen und nicht unbedingt beibringen, was der Körper braucht, um eine Nahrung zu heilen. Wir sind touch-orientierte Kreaturen. Wir brauchen Touch so viel wie wir Nahrung brauchen, um zu wachsen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und viele Frauen lernen, diese Berührung zu erreichen, indem sie sexuell besorgbar sind. Also müssen wir die unnötigen Wege erlernen, um sie zu beherrschen, weil es nicht sehr beherrschend ist. Wir können uns selbst verletzen, wir können uns in Schmerzen verletzen, weil wir so hungrig sind. Also müssen wir gute Wege finden, um die Berührung zu erreichen, damit wir sie nicht beherrschen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Yes, I find that because mother hunger forms early on in the lifespan, generally between the age of zero and five, every infant born needs the same thing, nurturing and protection. So boys, girls, doesn't matter. Human infants need those things. Not because we're needy or broken, but because we're human.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
And I'm just wondering how you're doing with this conversation.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Me too. 30 years actually. Kelly, where can we find you? I'm on Instagram at Kelly McDaniel Therapy. And you can go to my website, also kellymcdanieltherapy.com, where you'll find out if I'm doing any speaking or sending out a newsletter. Kelly, thank you so much. It was good having you, really. Such a pleasure to be here. And thank you so much for your powerful work on menopause.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Where I see it change for men is, and I'm speaking primarily about cisgendered heterosexual men, is that as they move into the world of men, they may look outside their mother for guidance. Whereas daughters don't have to. We can keep the focus on our mother, ideally. I also find that men don't necessarily identify with this term.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I think men have been taught from a very young age, don't feel, don't trust. And so emotions are not accessible. And then if you associate something with mom, it might be a sign of weakness. So I find that men will speak about their mothers in very reverential ways, respectful ways, or not speak about her at all.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
And as men grow, if they are fortunate enough to be attached to a nurturing female partner or any partner who's nurturing, they don't feel mother hunger because they're getting nurtured. Das ist so faszinierend.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Motherhunger, I think, exists on a spectrum that Because mother hunger comes from inadequate nurturing, protection or guidance, Für einige Mädchen gab es vielleicht viele coole, liebende Momente mit der Mutter, aber sie fühlte sich nicht immer sicher, sagen wir mal.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Oder sie konnte nicht wirklich die Beleidigung suchen, weil sie entweder während formativer Jahre gestorben war oder sie nicht die Chance hatte, sich selbst zu entwickeln. Also kann sie nicht unbedingt ihre Tochter in vollem Entwicklung bewegen. So depending on which developmental need was missing or if all three were missing, it can definitely impact the degree of mother hunger.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
I find that it is very different in each one of those decades, that younger women in their 20s and 30s, unless their mother died young, are not necessarily ready or able to examine deeply the relationship with mom. Und ich denke, es gibt viele Gründe dafür. Zuerst einmal, als Frauen wollen wir immer unsere Mutter. Wir werden immer unsere Mutter brauchen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Also, um diese Beziehung zu beantworten, kann es sehr schrecklich sein, die wichtigste Beziehung, die wir haben. Und ich denke, Mutter Natur schützt uns davon. So it may take a woman going through a rite of passage, such as marriage or childbirth or the loss of something very significant, when she really again needs her mother.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und wenn die Mutter nicht aufsteht, ist es deutlicher als als Kind, wenn die Mutter nicht aufsteht. Wir denken, das Problem ist uns. Sagen wir, die Mutter kann nicht aufstehen, wenn wir sie wirklich brauchen. Es passiert uns nicht, dass sie einen schlechten Tag hat oder sich nicht gut fühlt. Stattdessen kommen wir mit einer anderen Weise, um zu reagieren, damit wir ihre Aufmerksamkeit bekommen.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und das formiert unsere Persönlichkeit.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wenn wir also darüber nachdenken, für uns alle, unser erster Lieb ist unsere Mutter. Wir verlieben uns im Uterus. Wir hören ihre Stimme. Wir kennen den Geräusch ihres Herzbluts. Wir kennen ihren Geräusch. Und wenn wir in die Welt kommen, sind wir designt, sich nahe zu ihr zu halten. Aufgrund dessen, wie das aufwächst, wird es unseren Stil der Beziehung einstellen. Beziehen wir uns anstrengend?
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Beziehen wir uns unabhängig? Sind wir etwas unorganisiert? Oder sind wir sicher und glücklich beziehbar? Now, most of us who are securely happily attached do not end up in my office.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Es ist wirklich schön, dass die Theorie der Verbindungen Teil des mainstreamen Dialogs geworden ist. Ja, es hat ein Wort. Ja, und ich denke, dass wir mehr von uns finden, gute Informationen darüber, was es bedeutet, angstig oder verhindert zu sein. Aber es ist gut, dass wir diese Termine für Forschungsbedürfnisse kreiert haben, nicht so, dass wir uns selbst labeln. Nicht für Instagram? Nein.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Not for just Instagram. Exactly. But there's some real validity to seeing how we predominantly attach, because our attachment system is a biological drive that is the strongest drive in our entire body. Stronger than the need even to protect ourselves. So how we attach is essential and we learn that with our first primary caregiver. So let's say Wir brauchten mehr.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wir brauchten mehr Aufmerksamkeit. Wir brauchten mehr Aufmerksamkeit. Wir brauchten mehr Präsenz. Wir werden wahrscheinlich auf dem unabhängigen Spektrum der Angst kommen. Wir werden ängstlich fühlen. Wir werden mehr wollen und brauchen, als wir uns zufrieden machen. Ich finde, dass Frauen, die auf dem ängsten Spektrum sind, sich mit Mutterhunger ziemlich leicht identifizieren.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
So whether we become needless, wantless, or we've been a little suffocated, we may be on the avoidance spectrum, where we're just like, I don't identify a need. I don't need relational closeness. The truth is, we're all somewhere on that spectrum if we are not securely attached. The science says 50% of us are securely attached. Wow.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
So, it can impact relationships with friends, with lovers, with children that you may or may not have, with employers, with everyone. Because our relationship with our mother sets the template for all others.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Our first love is our mother. We always want our mom. We will always need our mom.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Well, it's not easy. And the reason it's so difficult is because of the primary nature of this bond, how important this bond is. Our body is really designed to keep us unaware. Um uns zu schützen? Um uns zu schützen. Mutter Natur ist sehr leise. Und es ist tatsächlich, es gibt einen Forscher-Psychologen, Jennifer Fried, der das Buch Betreuungsblindheit geschrieben hat.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Und sie hat es für Frauen geschrieben, die Infidelität in ihren romantischen Beziehungen erlebt haben. Und wie wir einfach nicht wissen können. Wir können wirklich nicht wissen, was passiert. Wir sehen es nicht. Mutter Natur hat Blinder auf uns. And when we find out, it can be terribly shocking and really difficult. So I took that theory to apply what happens.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Wenn eine kleine Frau eine Mutter hat, die furchtbar sein kann, wird die Natur uns davon schützen, das zu wissen. Oder sagen wir, sie ist nur unabhängig oder fühlt sich nicht gut an, aber wir brauchen sie. Wir werden die Wege missen, in denen sie unabhängig ist. Und dann werden wir uns zu Freunden, die nicht abhängig sind, oder zu Lieben, die nicht abhängig sind.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Mother Hunger comes from inadequate nurturing, protection or guidance. It can impact all relationships.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Richtig. Und es ist interessant, weil wer auch immer wir in Beziehung sind, wir finden unseren Attraktionsstil auf dem Spektrum. Zum Beispiel für mich. Wenn ich einen Partner attrauiere, der mehr auf dem anstrengenden Ende des Spektrums ist, Perhaps more needy, wants more of me than my intimacy threshold might be comfortable with. I'm going to look avoidant. I'm going to back off.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Flip side, if I'm in a relationship with someone who's more avoidant, they have lots of other priorities, I'm not one of them, I'm going to look a lot more anxious. That's really normal. That's part of the spectrum. And what I have found with my clients and with myself is that in romantic relationships specifically, I'm a flip-flop.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
So if I've experienced a romantic relationship as a little suffocating, I was with someone who was more anxious than I, the next time I'm dating someone or intrigued, probably they're going to be more avoidant.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Yeah. The other way. Yeah.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
Das ist eine sehr gute Frage. Und es ist interessant, weil, als ich das Buch geschrieben habe, meine Kunden meinten, bitte sprich über Essen. Wirklich? Ich denke, es beeinflusst so viele von uns als Frauen in dieser Kultur. Und die Sprache des Ernährungsproblems kann sehr hilfreich sein, wenn es kritisch ist.
The Tamsen Show
Healing the Grief, the Love, and the Silence Around Your Mother
But for those of us that are on a spectrum of eating that we're not really comfortable with, it doesn't always help. So I have come to understand mother hunger, and I use the word hunger because hunger is biological. We have to eat. The need for love is biological. We have to attach. If that attachment doesn't happen early, Oh, wow. Okay. So that's a comfort.