Kathy Griffin

Oh.

Und sie verletzten es. Sie sagten, oh, oh, oh, Herr Chabar, es ist eine Ehre, Sie zu treffen. Und Sie wissen, er ist kalt. Er schreibt keine Autos, er macht keine Bilder.

Wie haben sie diese Bilder von 50 Jahren entfernt?

Oh, I love a Betamax.

Look at the top of this pickle.

Is that a pickle? Yeah, I'm making our relish. Oh, the tartar sauce? Yeah, the tartar sauce.

Ich bin so glücklich, dass ich nie eine schwarze Frau getroffen habe, nur um sie zu kritisieren, wie ich koche. Und dann wartet ihr, dass ihr mit mir sechst.

Ich weiß. Cheech and Chong, meine Freunde.

Ja, er war der Beste.

Ron White.

The Blue Collar Tour.

I know.

It always sucks when you see someone who loved drinking have to quit.

It's a bummer.

Nein, ich habe noch nie etwas getrunken. Ich weiß nicht, wie es riecht. Als ich zehn war, war ich auf dem Hamburger Helfer. Und mein Vater hatte einen Stein Bier. Und er sagte zu einem zehnjährigen mir, hier, oh mein Gott, trink das nicht. Also habe ich einen Sip genommen und es war wie Feuer. Es hat es schlimmer gemacht. Und ich denke, deshalb trinke ich nicht.

Aber du warst addiktiv zu Pillen.

Oh, I was a total pill head. I mean, I'm a junkie through and through. I'm in recovery, but once you're a junkie, you're always a junkie.

Oh, I loved perks. I loved them all.

No, milligrams. Junkies talking milligrams. How many milligrams? I don't know.

Yeah, a zanny bar is two. So if you took a whole zanny bar... Two milligrams is a lot of... You'd be asleep.

Okay. Well, you gotta mix it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I cook. For wifey? Yeah, she doesn't cook at all.

Alright, look, you're gonna be our heterosexual. How are we going to get laid?

Because it's beer. You don't want to get laid?

I'm trying to ask him how are we going to get laid.

Are you going to get laid?

Yeah, because, you know, female comics, it's not like guy comics where it's sexy. Guys don't want to be in the back of the theater.

So what is, what's the secret? What do we do?

Why is that?

Why is it the guy comments that have the girls in the back watching and they think it's sexy? The guys don't think what we do is sexy.

I know, I know. Don't worry, we got three more. Is this the starter card? Yeah, this is the starter card. I don't know, I never was a guy that needed pussy on the road, so I never did that.

I know, and also when you're a girl, you get raped. Like, you can't just invite some guy from the audience. I don't ever rape the willing. Just the unwilling. No, but I'm just saying, when you're a girl, you can't just pick a guy from the audience, he could fucking kill you. Like, you can't just take him back to the hotel.

Like a good little bitch.

I leave him happy, but it's getting him in in the first place.

Auf dem Boden des Gefängnisses?

Oh, I just asked him how can I get laid next. I haven't had sex since my ex that I'm divorced from, so it's been a year and two months.

And by the way, I don't want to hear these bitches that are like over 40 going, I don't care if I never have sex again. That is over for me.

No, no. Das ist eine Lüge. Wenn du gesagt hättest, dass ich nie wieder Sex habe, wäre ich enttäuscht.

Nein, enttäuschend.

Not in the 90s though. In the 90s it was go time, honey.

My double Emmy award winning show? Go ahead.

Chance und Pom-Pom.

Ja, das habe ich. Ich hatte keine Hände.

Ich bin sehr stolz, dass du diese Geschichte kennst.

Das ist, wie du meine Mutter kennst. Ja, das ist, wie ich Maggie und den Wein kenne.

Oh, I've had so many family members like cut me out and tell me I'm not a griffin in your eyes.

Wait, keep going. You like ballsy chicks.

Okay, I like ballsy chicks. Okay, tell me why you've had any relatives think you went too far.

He's cooking in front of a black woman.

Here, come here. I'll braid your hair. You tell me what it is. Don't touch her.

Some of it is from my head. Some of it is from gay men. So, you take that as you want.

Okay, good. It's working.

You were incarcerated? In jail. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

No, how did you do it?

Oh, hell yeah.

Okay, why is your phone taking pictures of us?

It's somebody texting me. No, I'm cracking up that she's secretly taking pictures with John Locke.

All right, I just thought it would be nice.

Wait, who died? Who was in Baby Boy? Ving Rhames? Yeah, and Tyrese. And Tyrese. And Snoop. You should remake Baby Boy, but with a stepmom. I can't do it. And get like Timothee Chalamet to play Ving Rhames' part. Grab a headlock and lick his head.

You know, that would be so gay, because the gays all want Chalamet. They like the twinkies, skinny. Oh, not me. Not me.

I want Gerard Butler. Gerard Butler. Yeah. If I was gay, I'd go for a guy like that. He wakes up with a beer and a cigarette.

He's got some tough living. The new rehab is clean now.

Oh, okay.

That I know of.

Who's the most famous person on your phone, Kathy?

Was ist sein Regierungsnamen? Ah, Kanye!

What is that? Filet of what? I'm making the sandwich based on you. During the pandemic, you had a friend who had a fish store and they were making fish sandwiches. And you posted about it. You said, let's help her out.

Ich werde sie rausziehen. Ich werde sie in den anderen reinlegen. Du musst es haben.

Das war's für heute. Bis zum nächsten Mal. Tschüss.

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Your food content on Instagram is... Sie lieben mich zu essen.

Alright, what's the most famous movie you were in?

Mine. Oh, come on. I've only been in one movie. I've only acted in one thing.

It was my own movie.

Oh, you fucker. Looks like a donut. Just Brett.

Oh, it looks good. Nice and soft.

It's really something like brioche. That's an egg bread.

Is it egg bread?

No, it's brioche. Oh, that's a brioche bun. I've only ever had one in a restaurant.

No onions for me.

Nope, not today.

Did you see my driver? Oh yeah, she's hitting on the driver.

She got his number.

God damn it! You can't do anything! I mean, what's going on?

Das ist gut. Das ist gut. Every day, every day. Pink Inside, Kathy Griffiths Story. Yep. Look at this, on this, just like that. Oh, there we go.

Ich frage mich immer, wo das Fisch-Sandwich war. Ich glaube, es ist geschlossen. Ich mache euch Fisch-Sandwiches. Was für ein Fisch ist das? Das ist Kot. Und wisst ihr was, Leute? Es wird getoppt. Ja. mit Caviar. Wir gehen High End.

A little crunch and a little moisture.

I want that one. You want this one. Okay, this is yours. Okay. Okay. What's that? Do you guys want lettuce on your... I do.

I got this right here. Yeah, I want it on my bread. The big pickled tartar sauce. She had to get the big end. So this is lettuce.

I know. Mushroom dust is kicking in.

I don't cook. I didn't even know it was called an heirloom tomato. I thought there was a stain in the middle.

I thought it was rancid. I didn't know.

Here we go. I got you, I got you.

Here we go.

The whole new pan coming.

Yeah. On the fries. You can pull those, pull those out. Why is he doing that? What are you doing? I'm gonna crisp up our fries and put them in truffle oil.

Oh, truffle oil. Now you're talking. Yeah. How many times have you called the fireman?

Pull that. So it's a numbers game.

No, we're going to crisp them up. I got you, I got you. Red Grant, red grant, red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant red grant I know. Oh yeah. So do you hear it? I just want every white person to respond.

So if you're really white, you go, hey, what are we doing wrong? And Red was like, hey man, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't talk to you. That's how black people work. And he said, so she's talking to you, so she likes you. So just be fine. That's fine. That's correct. If I didn't like you, I'd just be here like...

Und dann hat er mich getestet und gesagt, er hat mich in Compton gesucht, um Golf zu spielen. Ich habe nie Golf gespielt, aber nur mit weißen Menschen. Es ist viel lauter. Es ist ein bisschen wie ein Filmtheater. Es ist so viel lauter.

Und dann war er so, er war so, okay, ich denke, du hast weiße Menschen. Wir sind in Compton. Wir sind in Compton. Du gehst in den Jack-in-the-Box alleine. Und ich sagte,

Kathy, how did you find?

Oh, warte mal, du bist derjenige, der mich nicht in Randys Donuts reinlassen würde, weil du gesagt hast, dass es im Hood war.

Rob me, fuck me, shoot me, put me on the side of the road. That's a t-shirt. That's a t-shirt. All proceeds are going to go to Snoop's football program.

Do you grow them? No, but I've been hunting for them before.

Like a pig.

Yeah, with a pig. I will be on shrooms.

You're on the plus one. How great does that smell?

I have a spittoon. These smell fucking incredible. Because they will be.

Here we go.

Alright, heart pressure. Go, blood pressure, blood pressure. Easy.

I got a pill for that.

I do, too.

Was your first road back on tour was Australia?

Glücklicherweise habe ich eine Menge, damit wir das machen können.

My first was the Mirage in Vegas. Really? And my second gig back was a double on a gay cruise. I went back to the Mirage after the Mirage said when that famous Trump picture dropped that I was a terrorist and that a member of ISIS was not welcome at the Mirage.

It had to start. The Trump had picture, but before that it was me talking about celebrities. When I was backstage at a charity event, I was hosting something. Because even though the A-Listers hate me.

They didn't want to see you.

That's right. I was the Ronald Barrett of my time.

Oh, sweet. Oh, is that the guy?

No, Robert Barrett's a woman, you straight guy.

No, Truman Capote.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That made me so uncomfortable. I know, I just wanted to turn on him.

Christian macht es gut.

But I got in trouble back in the day because when I started working, my act changed to celebrity stories. Because they're so funny. That's right, well, they're true. And these celebrities will be furious. Why do they get mad if we tell the truth? And also, they don't even come

There you go.

Oh, ich mag Caviar.

Er macht es gut. Ja, Fisch mit Fisch.

Gumball, Gumball, Gumball.

Hier, wenn ihr wollt, könnt ihr ein bisschen Caviar sammeln. Okay, also. Gehen wir zurück in die Geschichte.

I want to just stop. I asked her what her favorite meal was. And we're talking about autopsy reports, which is why I love these women. How do you feel about a person at a party?

Wait, let me answer the last question.

What was it? Okay, here we go.

Ich weiß nicht, was dein bestes Essen ist. Denk daran.

Okay, gut. Ich nehme das Chicago Deep Dish. Ein wirklich gutes Chicago Deep Dish, weil ich aus Chicago bin. Also ein wirklich gutes... Oh, das Brot.

Oh, ich liebe es. Ich weiß. Und du bist so skinnig. Weil ich jeden Tag für zwei Stunden arbeite.

Oh, ich konnte nicht für den Schuss qualifizieren.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

It's not cold. I'm burning my fingers.

We're trying to save your life. American Cheese. American Cheese is the best.

There's the pile. See? There's the pile.

I love how you're playing the camera one. Playing the camera one. There he is.

Oh, we're doing a dollop? So I'm gonna do... Oh, yes! So I'm gonna take... It's a dollop. Put this on there.

Put mine on the bread.

Put yours on the bread?

It's melting slowly, Lunel. That's okay.

It's gonna be a mess.

Can I have a straw as well?

Okay, so you ready? Start with the fries, because you don't fuck with cold fries.

Okay, by the way, the fries are amazing. Yeah, the fries are good.

Oh my God.

Anyway, everything with us is a sidebar. A lot of sidebars. This is really delish, honey. This is good. Yeah.

might make a good sandwich, but you look disgusting right now.

You are an embarrassment to your family.

Men are a mess.

Well, you know, we get along. What can I tell you?

Erinnerst du dich an den Horsen? Und dann... Isaiah Mustafa. Ist das für dich ein Blatt? Nein, ich weiß.

Best years of my life.

It will air probably in a couple weeks.

The Apple guy.

Oh, Steve Wozniak, the founder of Apple.

I know. I apologize in advance for the messy eating, but it looks so good.

Ich bin beeindruckt. Was denkst du, Callie? Das Caviar macht es.

Yeah, why? I just wanted to know. We want to watch. We might want to watch. Here we go.

Du kannst essen. Ich brauche ein Kleid auf den Nell. Seine erste Schnauze.

What does that mean? Uh-oh. He's got it, he's got it, he's got it.

Okay, take off what you need.

Du bist sehr spezifisch über deinen amerikanischen Käse. Nicht das.

Das war das erste schwarze Comic, das ich jemals gesehen habe. Wer erinnert sich an den deutschen Käse? Das war in New York am Sonntag. Ein Talent-Show. Und ich dachte... Ich dachte, der deutsche Käse.

Nein. Okay, this is... I'm watching you running around.

I'm gonna wash my hands.

Be honest. It's coming in.

Okay. Wait, you're videoing the video?

Yeah.

It's Kreischer.

We're going to eat caviar out of the can.

Perch! Perch, like Bert and Ernie. Quaschner.

Quascher, Quascher.

Quascher. I know. I know.

You can do that.

That's fish. Okay, Jessica Simpson, is it chicken or fish? It's fish. Even you know that.

Got it.

Okay. Okay.

Alright, I got an idea. Leanne, get in here. Can I have the other half of your sandwich?

Yeah, are we gonna blow you?

No, I'm gonna see if my wife's a sloppy bitch.

Alright, I mean, I'm up for it. I don't really... Come here, girl! I'm, I'm, no. I've been laughing so hard. Leanne.

Here, here, try.

Congratulations, Mrs. Kushner. I don't think she's a sloppy bitch. She sucks dick like someone trying boba. That's in the special. Check out my special Lucky, streaming right now on Netflix. Can you cut it like that? No, no.

In Houston. He wasn't gay, was he? I thought he was a thief.

I will never shut you up, you know that.

We get along, but I feel like... She don't fuck with you? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I would like to be closer to her.

Okay, but we go on. I do like her. No, I think she don't like you. Well, I don't know. No, I know.

What the hell is the energy in this house? Everyone thinks everyone is dead. We got it in the fridge if you want some, Kathy. You can get into hallucinogenics or something.

Okay. By the way, quick interlude. Roseanne gave me my first TV gig. She had a show called Saturday Night Special. She was trying to rival Lorne Michaels, but it was on Fox. And she put me in the cast.

No, he's fine. What's the matter?

You're choking on that little old French fly. She's a choker. You know, you can't choke. You gotta commit to the bit.

It's like six and a half inches.

Well, wait, is it like small, normal or extra?

It's nice. Okay. If you saw it, it wouldn't be the biggest thing you've ever seen. No, but I don't need big. You get to a certain age, you don't need all that.

It's like that. It's funny, I was talking to Shaq about having a big day. But when it's... Und ich sagte zu Shaq, er war so... Ich sagte, was schön ist, ist, dass ich meinen ganzen Arsch in eine Vagina stecken kann. Und du merkst, dass er das nicht getan hat. Und er hat das nicht gemerkt. Und er hat gesagt, was? Und ich sagte, oh ja, ich habe das ganze Ding drin. Und er hat gesagt, was?

Das ist wie jemand, der in der Garage parkiert hat. Warum? Sie wussten nicht, dass das ganze Ding in der Garage ist. Warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, warte, w

That's not what I heard.

Okay, what they said. I said, what do you mean? What they said.

Oh, das Gegenteil. Das wäre schrecklich. Vielleicht ist es so, dass er kleiner ist als sein Körper. Es ist wie wenn man ein Gebäude mitten in Omaha baut.

Das sieht nicht so gut aus. Ich bin Omaha.

That's right. I did used to love her and she was so good to me. And the other cast member was named Jennifer Coolidge. Oh, no way.

Du bist Omaha?

Bau das Gebäude. Ja.

Oh mein Gott, ich kann nicht. Ich weiß nicht über Inch, aber ich kann dir sagen, es war tatsächlich schmerzhaft.

Wie es mich schmerzhaft gemacht hat. Wie? Wie? Es war nur ein... Schau, ich bin überrascht. Aranda, Aranda, Aranda. Es war ein Kiefer. Ein Kiefer. Ich bin überrascht.

Gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir, gib mir Really? Yeah. He was a... Black. He was black.

He was black? Oh, nice. Of course.

He was a big dick, didn't he?

Some crew guy.

Skinny nerds.

Did you congratulate him? What are you getting from your purse? Do we have to pay for this? Oh, God.

Yeah, so that was like our first TV break and it ran for like, I think, eight episodes.

Okay, aber du magst keine kleinen Männer. Du hast ihm gesagt, du magst keine kleinen Männer.

And she was still doing the sitcom. Like, people forget how groundbreaking she was. By the way, she hates me now and calls me names and says I'm ugly.

She got him. He's here.

Okay. Someone's trauma just showed up in the middle of the show. You go, he goes, yeah.

What are you talking about? Okay. So he means bland food, but he doesn't want to.

Well, you said you want to fuck the driver. Where do you think you're going to do it?

But you have to pick a location. No, you have to pick a location.

Well, it's not rape if you're willing.

Oh, Lord, it's tough to find.

I know, you said you wouldn't eat cold fries.

Kirchner is gonna drop it. Not Kirchner. He's been there. Uh, Kreischer. Kreischer. Do I have a wrong too?

No, no, you're saying it.

You should have this shit right there. Oh, nein, nimm einfach ein Zeichen hier, das nach unten zeigt. Nimm dein Shirt. Nimm dein Shirt.

Jesus Christi.

Du hast es geschafft. Du hast es geschafft. Soll ich Red Grab nennen? Red Grab nennen. Wer denkst du, dass ich zuerst antworten werde? Mir oder dir?

It's on. Hold on, hold on. Me, motherfucker. Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Face time, face time.

Let's go.

I know, I know. Right now, does he choose his culture or the white guy?

Alright, let's do, hang on, no, no, no. Dave Chappelle. Chappelle? Let's do Chappelle. Oh my God, FaceTime? FaceTime Dave Chappelle. Me and you at the same time.

This is awesome.

You ready?

Hold on, give her a minute. Give her a minute. I don't have his number anymore.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. Okay, go. Go. Oh, my God.

Did you see her nails?

Send it, send it, send it.

He got the point across. He'll watch it. It's less than five seconds. Oh mein Gott. Oh mein Gott. Oh mein Gott.

You're as pale in comparison. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm gonna stop because I'll eat this whole fucking can. I just pulled a muscle.

Der Musiker?

Oh no, there goes the groin.

You didn't stretch first. I didn't stretch at all. Go back to this video. Keep going. Get out of county. You read the book.

And they play your favorite songs, just one of them. You can bring one back to life for one show. You bring all your friends and family, it's a private show. And we'll do it over in Chapelles, where he's got the gazebo. Who do you bring, Michael Jackson or Prince? Michael, easy.

I bring Prince to sing me the beautiful ones from Purple Rain.

Okay. Okay.

Isch! Isch! The jury's out. I'm giving him time to think about it.

Sie sind dumm. Was redest du da?

Was ist dein Lieblings-Prinz-Song? Purple Rain ist ziemlich furchtbar.

Baby, I'm a star.

Oh, wow. Ich habe mit Prinz gespielt und mit Michael gearbeitet. Hast du mit Prinz gespielt? Ja. Wann hast du mit Prinz gespielt?

Er hat gespielt und dann... Ich habe ihn auch mal verarscht. Ein Schauspieler kam zu mir und sagte, es gibt ein Schauspiel, das du gehen kannst. Und wie du weißt, bringt er eine Frau aus dem Publikum und macht sie tanzen. Das war du. Er hat es mit Kim Kardashian gemacht und du würdest nicht tanzen. Und er hat sich verarscht.

Also als ich da war... I had my white lady embarrassing dancing, but I committed to it. And I was flipping my hair. And it was amazing. And I got to thank him afterwards. And he was truly mysterious.

And I got to work with Michael Jackson and the craziest thing was backstage, he did not have the high voice.

Okay,

I love it. Okay, he just tried to FaceTime me, too.

Okay.

And then we both fucked up? So yes, Michael Jackson had a very low voice.

Yeah, he talked like a brother.

It was shocking.

So do you think that was just like a branding thing for him?

A lot.

I think so. I think you maybe mentally stay at the age when you were traumatized. So I would think that he had a very traumatic childhood and was traumatized at a very young age. And my guess is that's why he kind of talked like a little kid. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Ich fragte Janet.

Nein, es waren nur zu viele. Ich fragte sie, warte, wartet ihr auf mich? Nein, es war jemand anderes. Ich fragte, ist es Janet? Ich fragte, ist es Miss Jackson? Sie sagte, sie kommt in einem Sekunden. Ich fragte, können wir warten? Sie sagten, nein, deshalb sind wir hier. I have a recent picture with Janet.

For real? She's probably had stalkers since she was a little kid.

Since she was Peggy on Good Times.

She still puts on a great show. I saw the tour.

Who was she on Good Times? Peggy?

So that's what's making me... I was wondering... Don't start with me about the racism. I'm not going there.

I can't remember. Penny. Penny. Sorry.

It's only black culture.

Who cares? I'm sorry.

Penny. Good Times was the first black sitcom?

Oh, getting cancelled was way worse. I've always thought so. And by the way, cancelled is like an understatement. How about being investigated by the Department of Justice and interrogated under oath?

I want to be the aunt. Who was the aunt?

Oh, oh, that was Penny's mom.

Oh, yeah. Oh, she was beautiful. That was Chip Fields, the mother of Kim Fields.

Rudy? No.

Hold on. Who played Rudy from Facts of Life?

Yeah, don't start with me about the racism.

Das ist Rudi.

Tootie, Tootie, Tootie, Tootie. Tootie, Rudi, Rudi, Tootie. Rudi und Tootie, sie sollten ein Sitcom, ein Spinoff haben.

Okay, es ist Chappelle. Ich habe es dieses Mal. Ich denke, ich weiß. Warte, warte, warte.

And I'm not going to ask you to educate me either.

Oh, shit.

His name is Shane Gillis. Is he really? David, when are you going to hire me back out?

Sie liebt dich doch.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

You did the Apollo. How fucking quick. By yourself. By yourself. Not with like a... Not with the boys. Yeah, not with the boys.

Sie ist real. Sie ist, wer sie ist. No. Ich denke, du hast vorher angefangen.

Um, I didn't... Did you go back to comedy school and shit? Yeah, I was actually an actress first. I'm very high though, so I don't believe that. So I was an actress first. I didn't really start stand-up until I was like 35.

So what, were you doing Suddenly Susan?

Suddenly Susan and, you know, guest spots or whatever and a lot of theater. How? And just actressy stuff and that's how I started. Everybody, anybody and everybody.

I do know, I've been sucking the wrong dick too.

It's the strategy and the geography.

Can I share how much you guys mean to me in different times? I think I've said this to both of you, but I just want to share it. So I'll start with Lunel. Me. I was in Montreal and I did not have anything going on. I was working in Travel Channel. I wasn't doing stand-up a ton and I was nervous. And I was older. I think I was like 42. And I just felt like the business had passed me by.

I know.

And I felt old. And I was sitting outside a bar before I was doing a showcase. And Lunel came walking by. She went, hey, what are you doing? And I said, and she could tell I was nervous. She said, come in and have a drink with me. And we went in and we had a couple drinks. And you walked me through how... Fuck the industry, fuck the king makers, fuck them.

Production pause.

You make your own way, you do this your own way. This doesn't mean anything. We're just here to see our friends and that's why we're here. This is you, me and you having a moment like this. And I went up and I had a great set. And right after that I got fired from Travel Channel and I redid my life.

I agree. I call it burning desires. It's a therapy. I finished my tour on Sunday and let me tell you, I am so happy to be here and grateful because I know I'm going to emotionally plummet. And even though, you know, for me to go back on the road after all the crap I've been through.

Look, I don't sell the most tickets in the world, but I have a nice, like, steady where I can play boxes.

And I'm super grateful. You do the same venues we all do. You do big venues. And I'm thrilled.

But I know this week... This week, I know, I gotta take care of myself every day because our mutual friend Sia said touring is like being in a kayak and you're white water rafting and you know the cliff is coming, but then when the cliff comes, you still go down.

Oh, wow. 2000 hatte ich einen ICM-Showcase. Wir hatten beide den gleichen Agenten, Andy Cohen.

Okay.

She's going deep into it. There it is.

Ja, ich erinnere mich an ihn.

Nicht den Bravo-Agenten. Nicht den Deadhead-Andy Cohen.

Ja, ja, ja.

Und so hast du es gehostet. Die erste Person, die auf den Showcase ging, war Scott Henry. Die nächste Person, die auf den Showcase ging, war Earthquake.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You ready? Yeah, I think. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

I mean... He comes up and he goes, hey man, no one wants to go next. You were going to go sixth. Would you like to go next? In New York, I always felt like if someone did good, I could follow good. I could just ride their wave. And then if I got, you know, it was on me. Yeah. So, real quick, they grab you and they go, the next person going up is Burt Kreischer. And you're like, okay.

And so you bring me up. And you go, Burt Kreischer. And I go up after an earthquake. My opening joke was, my name's Burt, hot sexy name. It's the last thing we're gonna hear during sex. Some chick on top of you in the dark going, ah, ah, ah, Burt. So I go, I go, shh, call me earthquake. And the place explodes, right? Explodes. And I do my seven minute set. And I have

Es ist verrückt, in diesen alten Industrie-Tipps, als ich es tue, stehen Leute auf und gehen umher. Und ich bin so, warte, was ist los? Die Lachen sind groß. Und Kathy kam auf und das ist mein letzter Witz über das Dating-Spiel. Ja. Das war immer die Frage. Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm so glad I said that too. I'm so glad you heard it.

I walked off the stage, Andy Cohen and Barry Katz said, do not talk to anyone. And what was happening was, everyone was coming over to grab me. And they walked me out the back door, put me in a car and sent me away.

Don't make any big decisions.

Don't talk to nobody. Julie Pernworth was standing outside waiting for me. She goes, would you like to be in the TV show? Yes, dear.

Aber das ist, warum ihr Mädchen so wichtig für mich seid.

Oh ja, ich meine, jedes Mal, wenn ich dachte, dass das die Gag ist, die den nächsten führt, war es schwer. Und manchmal ist es so, dass eine Telefonrufe dein ganzes Leben verändert. Eine Telefonrufe. Es ist mir passiert.

So wait, who are your ride or dies? Like, Rogan's one of my guys. When shit goes down with him, I pick his side. I don't give a fuck what anyone says.

Oh yeah, even just a phone call, like, I get a text from, I deal with a little OCD and like depression, or not depression, I don't know what that really is, but like OCD and like worrying, worrying and anxiety. And then you get one text in the morning of someone who watched your special, who you respect, and they're like, yo, today I'm gonna humble brag, edit his name out.

Bradley Cooper texted me.

Okay, keep his name in mind.

Okay. By the way, this is how you ruin relationships in Hollywood. He's a friendship loser. I know.

He talked to me this morning. Er hat gesagt, er liebt deine Specials, das ist fantastisch.

Oh mein Gott, das ist so seltsam. Okay, ich lasse dir ein Video-Message.

Okay, but wait, do you call him, like, if you're having a hard day? Like, is he that kind of friend, too?

Okay, I got it.

Okay, okay. Bradley, hi!

It's me, Lunell. I'm over here with...

Like, I need advice. I'm going through some shit. Okay. Als er einen von seinen größten... Ich glaube, er hat einen von seinen größten gecancelt. Ich bin durchgegangen und habe ihn angerufen. Und ich habe gesagt, ich spreche über diesen und diesen. Und dann habe ich gemerkt, oh Scheiße, das Land versucht, ihn zu canceln. Ich habe gesagt, Joe, ich bin so sorry, Mann.

Hey, thank you for the text this morning. That was very sweet. Have a great day. You want to say something, Kathy?

Hi, Bradley Cooper. It's me, Kathy Griffin, and you're very talented. And fine.

Have a great day. Bye, Bradley. Okay. Motherfuckers, you don't get it. By the way, I just want you to see, who doesn't hit play on this video message? Who doesn't hit play on this video message?

You got...

Das ist wirklich lustig. Das ist wirklich lustig. Das ist wirklich lustig.

I don't really play with him like that.

Here, give me Anderson Cooper's number. I'll call her. Oh, no.

Don with a lemon. You got Don Lemon too?

Fuck, maybe I have it.

Are you calling right now?

Really? My phone is truly not functional.

Oh, that's true. He does like five lives a day. Come on. No, no, I agree.

This is vodka.

I love watching you find a straw with your tongue.

Sie geht... Klasse. Warte, Kathy.

Ihr seid wett. Nehmt einen Moment. Es ist wie ein Wett-T-Shirt.

Oh, das hat mich so hart gelacht. Nicht in der guten Weise. Nenn mich Don Lemon. Nenn Don Lemons Arsch.

Ich habe gesagt, wie geht es dir? Und er hat gesagt, alles gut. Ja, gut. Er schwebt nicht.

Es gibt keine Internet-Konnexion. Bitte lasst mich wissen. Ich würde Don Lemon nennen. Leute.

Kat would have gotten him out of prison for the day just to spend the day with Kat. And like then go back later.

Kat, one of the biggest compliments I ever got. Two of the best compliments I ever got was Dave's spell of Kat Williams. No, no, no, I'm talking about...

Oh, I like Lizzo bigger. I like Lizzo when Lizzo was Lizzo. When she forced her people to do the sex thing. I didn't need her in chat for the game.

So you go to a couple stripper joints with your boss, big deal. And you're dancers, you're out on the road. I'm sorry, I think she got a wrong deal on that.

Und ich bin sicher, dass viele dieser Tänzer, die hier spielen, und ich entschuldige mich, aber es ist nicht aus der Welt der Möglichkeiten, zu denken, dass wenn du ein Show im Stadion gemacht hast und du Lizzo bist, vielleicht für Spaß, gehst du zu einem verdammten Strip-Joint und machst ein paar off-color-Geräusche, weil du in einem Strip-Joint bist, vielleicht hattest du ein paar Cocktails.

Und Kat. Und Kat. Und Kat.

I wasn't there, but I just think she got a raw deal.

I think she did too. Good for you. I did the same thing three months earlier with my whole team.

Visual movie role. Rosanna Tharp?

Und wisst ihr was?

Ein bisschen. Ein bisschen. Ein bisschen. Ein bisschen.

Chappelle hat mir die... Was ist das? V-Drip?

Meine Widerung ist weg. Ich habe Spinnung.

I can't call Don Lemon because I don't have Wi-Fi.

Someone get her Wi-Fi real quick.

I'm just saying, you know. It would be great to close this out with a Don Lemon just read the camera.

I'm a willing participant in this twisted game.

I bet your numbers and your names in here are crazy. Of course. Yes.

I think you just need his number and call. Oh, great. The video. The video. The video. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja.

Can I tell you something? Kat, you. Kat has not spoken to me since I made my ill-advised apology video for my Trump head picture, which I should not have made.

I just gotta send him that.

He's a power bear.

I'm getting ready to go live to this crazy ass president. We're all fucking screwed. Put a tariff on that belly.

You don't got five... That might be my favorite comment I've ever made on a podcast. Five superstars.

Nobody's been cancelled like Kathy's been cancelled. You should do a show called Cancel Wars. Where you bring in people that are newly cancelled and then you are the judge and you're like, alright, here's the deal. It's like old school Henry V. I'm like, have the feds called?

Submit it for the Emmy, like she said.

Or the Cable Ace Award. Or the E2 Award.

Or the E2 Award. We can do everything. Is your phone ringing again? Let's see if Bradley Cooper called you back.

Oh, I love how you guys can talk to women.

If Bradley called you back. Can I just show you? I got a FaceTime yesterday in bed. Random FaceTime. Oh, that wipes ass. It just went through. I got a FaceTime yesterday morning in bed at like 7am.

Oh mein Gott.

Tracy Morgan. Colin. Oh mein Gott.

I had the State Department calling me saying I was the face of ISIS. Look at me, I look like Riva.

You just classed up ISIS a little bit.

Artie Fuqua, ich habe auch einen Konto.

A little bit, I don't mean to brag. But Kat was so mad at me that I apologized.

Ich kenne ihn seit sehr langem.

Okay.

May 16th at the Apollo. Yeah. What's our schedule look like? I'd like to come see that. I've never been to the Apollo.

I would love to go to the Apollo.

I know, I know, and I miss him because I think he's such a genius.

Ich würde sagen, ich würde einfach sagen, Mädchen, es war ein epischer Episode.

The sauce is enough.

Just squeeze it. You gotta do it a couple of times.

The Vietnamese soft, soft, soft ones. I'm not using any racial slice.

Ja. Ja. Ja.

That is not Bradley Cooper, but it's important to know. Very important. Important to know.

That's a small torch. I don't know what you call it, but you might call it a lighter. It's a small torch.

The cartel will meet. I know.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that was a great episode of Something's Burning. Thank you. Thank you, Kathy Griffin. You guys are fucking legends. You mean a lot to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

It's a blowtorch. Don't get any of my hairpiece. This costs a fortune.

This episode was brought to you by The Machine.

So then also, a fish sandwich has to have fries, but we're going to class it up. I got fries, I got garlic, I got truffle oil. How long have you been doing this? I've been doing this for a while.

So you're just like judging. You're just a little judgy.

I'm gonna bake them and then I'm gonna... But this is the best. Because when you hear things that black people say about white people and you go, wait, you guys don't do that? Like wearing your socks in an airplane and going to the bathroom in your socks.

Oh nein!

Oh nein, Junge!

Ja, ich habe zwei Bullmastiffs. Wer ist die mysteriöse Person, mit der ich spreche?

Are you live streaming this?

My name is Tom Segura. Here's my problem with Jews. Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, this is going to be so good.

Under the umbrella of satire.

Will they get the fuck out?

Under the umbrella of satire. Kathy. Yes.

Liebster schwarzer Komedian?

No, this is what you do. You go, Roseanne, you said some stuff about the Jews and you call that lady a monkey.

Kat. Kat? Ja. Wie klingt er? Ich... Ich... Zuerst mal, ich mag es nicht, wenn man sich vergleicht, weil sie so anders sind. Ich kenne David seit er 18 Jahre alt ist und ich finde, er ist großartig. Ich weiß, wie viel du Kat liebst. Ich glaube, es gibt etwas über Kat, das Andy Kaufmann-esk ist, in dem er ein eindeutiger Geist ist. Und ich weiß nicht, ob Kat was er tut, was er tut. Nein.

Es kommt einfach raus, wie nichts, was ich je gesehen habe.

Schau, er hat einen Thermometer. Ein Kompliment von Kat und ein Kompliment von Dave. Als ein weißer Komiker ist es besser als ein Oscar.

Ah, no explosions.

What do we want this, 150?

You'll have to... 350.

350, okay.

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Cocktail time, cocktail time. Okay, but what are you waiting for? Like, what's going to be the thing that makes you release it? The thing about it is...

Sound of Madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts. And of course, the mind-blowing production of Pyro, the band is known for. And I am telling you, I've seen that firsthand. We saw them on tour. Our whole group saw them. And it was one of the most amazing shows.

They play acoustic. I'm telling you, Zach, Okay, I got one for you. Believe it or not, I have only written for one other person in my whole life besides myself. I write all my own stuff.

I wrote a joke for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Ich liebe ihn, ich lebe ihn. Er präsentierte sich an der Demokratischen Nationenkonvention, als Hillary da war. Sein Manager rief mich an und fragte, ob ich Jokes habe. Ich sagte, dass ich kein klassischer Joke-Writer bin.

Case in point, a dinner at the legendary talent agent Sue Manger's house, in which I was privileged to be invited. It was, I think, only eight people there, and one of them was the great Jack Nicholson. So when Hammy showed up, I swear to God, inside I was like, oh, great. He even says to me, he goes, what are you doing here? Anyway, he proceeded to get very drunk during the coffee table portion.

And then it was time for dinner. Sue sat hammy next to me, which was uncomfortable, but I wasn't going to bother her. But at least Jack Nicholson was there. And I could focus on hopefully getting to know one of the great actors of our time.

Then Jack, who usually directs whatever he's saying to seemingly like the world at large, he actually focused on me and he went off on this tangent about Rupert Murdoch almost getting a pie in the face during a parliamentary hearing in England. You can look up the clip. Anyway, I was asking Jack about why he was so interested in this and he started doing an imitation of

of Murdoch, the right-wing media mogul, and I was in heaven. And then Hammy picks that moment when Jack Nicholson is talking to me to start whispering like boozy, stupid, yammering attempts at jokes in my ear. So the first one was, you know, your Emmy isn't a real Emmy. I was like, whatever. So I kind of just ignored him. Then the next one, he just goes, you're so old.

I just swear to God, I said it out of the side of my mouth. I go, not now. And then he kept going. Stuff like, do you know how old you look? Finally, I just fucking snap. I just turn. I go, look, you can't keep up. You're outclassed. Zip it. Jack's talking.