Kate Greathead
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
When I was in first grade, some people came to my school and made a movie about me. First they followed me around for a few days to show what my life was like, and then they sat me down on a couch and asked me all these questions like, did I believe in God? Was America a free country? What was the difference between black people and white people?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
When they'd shot all the footage they needed and it was time for them to leave, I cried because nothing this wonderful had ever happened to me. Would they promise to come back and make another movie about me? The good news was yes, they did. The bad news was not for seven years, which is a long, long time to wait when that's how old you are. So the film is called The Up Series.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
And the premise is take a bunch of seven-year-olds from different parts of the country, different socioeconomic backgrounds, interview them every seven years of their lives, see how they turn out. It's a sociological, psychological study kind of thing. And if it sounds familiar, you've probably heard of the famous British Up series. This is the American bootleg.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
When I was seven, I attended a private school on the Upper East Side. So I was chosen to be the privileged kid, the one everyone is rooting for. A seven-year-old's dream come true is a 14-year-old's nightmare. When the film crew returned, I had some serious reservations. It was like, well, my parents had just gotten divorced. We'd moved. I went to a new school where I had no friends.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
And you know when you're the new kid, in school and you have no one to sit with at lunch so you come out with your tray of food and you find yourself weaving between the tables in the cafeteria waiting for some kind soul to take pity on you and invite you to sit down. Imagine doing that with a film crew following you. It was very dignifying.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
So the reason I had no friends was more than just the fact that I was the new kid. It was because I had no personality. I had recently come to realize this. It made me very nervous for the interview portion of the shoot because how do you answer questions about yourself when you have no self?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
So the interview began with a lot of political questions, which was good because my parents were liberal Democrats, so I knew all the right answers. How did I feel about the death penalty? It was bad. The president's sex life? That's nobody's business. So I was doing okay, and then the interview shifted gears and there came a question I was unprepared for. How did I feel about my parents' divorce?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
So my parents had recently split up, very recently, And how I felt about it was sad, very sad. And for that reason, I agreed to participate in 14 under one condition, which is that I wouldn't have to talk about it. And I'd been promised by different members of the film crew that this would be honored. No questions about the divorce.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
So when the question came, I assumed there was a mistake, that the director had gone rogue. And as I sat there waiting for another adult in the room to intervene, this didn't happen. The camera continued to roll, and the room got really quiet, the kind of quiet that's loud.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
And the lights got really bright, and I got hot, and my skin started to burn and prickle like when you're standing next to a bonfire. And then my eyes started to water like I was crying. because it took me a moment to realize I was crying. And the camera continued to roll, and no one yelled cut.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
So a few months later, age 14 in America comes out, and in one of the reviews, a critic wrote, the shattered look on Kate's face speaks volumes about the effect of divorce on adolescents. And I was so mad, because I was like, how is that supposed to make me feel? And then... uh, yeah, it was just, it was an upsetting experience.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
A few years ago, I went to, uh, a hypnotherapist who told me that in moments of acute psychological distress, um, where you feel trapped, you emotionally amputate part of yourself. And so you survive, but you're broken. And she said, uh, Then she told me to close my eyes, and we were going to take a journey back in time so I could rescue my exiled selves and become whole again.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
This was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, and I couldn't believe I'd spent $150 on it. But I also kind of knew what she meant.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
Because looking back, the most upsetting aspect of the whole experience of being filmed for 14 was this sense of a human disconnect, the distance between my experience of that dismal chapter in my life and the detached curiosity of the viewers who would be watching it on TV.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: For the Ages
And after the film crew was done for 14 and they packed up and left to go torment the next kid, I remember feeling diminished, like they'd taken a part of me with them. But every time I get the opportunity to tell the story of it and convey my experience, it feels like I get a little piece back. Thank you.