John Ballen

I would say that when I was, you know, pre-basement moment, I was definitely in the mindset of playing the victim. And if something bad happened, it was somebody else's fault and not taking responsibility for anything. I was the guy that would come home from school and I'd tell my mom, like, you wouldn't believe that we had a test today. Joey got a 50.

I would say that when I was, you know, pre-basement moment, I was definitely in the mindset of playing the victim. And if something bad happened, it was somebody else's fault and not taking responsibility for anything. I was the guy that would come home from school and I'd tell my mom, like, you wouldn't believe that we had a test today. Joey got a 50.

got a 65 but joey got a 50. it's like you're sort of like that's the way you approach it versus like i failed the test um but when i sort of decided i would graduate college and organize my life around that and then become a seal i realized that it's not enough to simply just say i'm gonna do this thing like you need to own like the entire process and like for example in uh in

got a 65 but joey got a 50. it's like you're sort of like that's the way you approach it versus like i failed the test um but when i sort of decided i would graduate college and organize my life around that and then become a seal i realized that it's not enough to simply just say i'm gonna do this thing like you need to own like the entire process and like for example in uh in

in seal training there were a couple moments where like i myself failed miserably catastrophically i like tests and opportunities to to be a leader and i just like squandered it in in a way so the way seal training works is it's very reputational like as you go along uh in training you know it's like the closer you get to graduation the closer you get to being a real seal and so your instructors

in seal training there were a couple moments where like i myself failed miserably catastrophically i like tests and opportunities to to be a leader and i just like squandered it in in a way so the way seal training works is it's very reputational like as you go along uh in training you know it's like the closer you get to graduation the closer you get to being a real seal and so your instructors

Those are active duty SEALs, and they're no longer viewing you towards the end of training as being just some like, oh, candidate. Now it's like you could be my teammate. There's not too many of us. And so it changes from you aren't going to make it to you better do a good job because I might need your help down the line.

Those are active duty SEALs, and they're no longer viewing you towards the end of training as being just some like, oh, candidate. Now it's like you could be my teammate. There's not too many of us. And so it changes from you aren't going to make it to you better do a good job because I might need your help down the line.

And I remember in the final part of training, there's this confidence exercise where they basically expose your class to tear gas, which is something that's pretty standard in the military. And the only thing they say is like this is a – like it's all about mentality here. It's a confidence booster. It's going to suck. It's going to make you want to feel like you're dying from this gas.

And I remember in the final part of training, there's this confidence exercise where they basically expose your class to tear gas, which is something that's pretty standard in the military. And the only thing they say is like this is a – like it's all about mentality here. It's a confidence booster. It's going to suck. It's going to make you want to feel like you're dying from this gas.

And it's like a long exposure. And they set you up in this square. You're all just standing. You're kneeling shoulder to shoulder, if you will, out in this open field on San Clemente Island in California. And all the instructors have their gas masks on. And they have these pool sticks that you would swap trash out of a pool. But at the end, they have the CS grenade canisters.

And it's like a long exposure. And they set you up in this square. You're all just standing. You're kneeling shoulder to shoulder, if you will, out in this open field on San Clemente Island in California. And all the instructors have their gas masks on. And they have these pool sticks that you would swap trash out of a pool. But at the end, they have the CS grenade canisters.

And they're like, all right. They put their masks on. They fire off these CS grenades. This big white smoke comes out. And they hold out the pole. And you get covered in CS gas. And all you have to do. It's not run. Just stay here and take it. That's the whole point. And I ran. It was like a fight or flight instinct completely. It was like before I – and it was instant.

And they're like, all right. They put their masks on. They fire off these CS grenades. This big white smoke comes out. And they hold out the pole. And you get covered in CS gas. And all you have to do. It's not run. Just stay here and take it. That's the whole point. And I ran. It was like a fight or flight instinct completely. It was like before I – and it was instant.

It wasn't like, oh, this is really bad. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? It was like instantaneously. I ran. I had to get tackled by one of the instructors because I was just out. I wasn't even thinking. It was like – and nobody else ran. This is the end of training. And so afterwards, it's like I was brought into the amphitheater.

It wasn't like, oh, this is really bad. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? It was like instantaneously. I ran. I had to get tackled by one of the instructors because I was just out. I wasn't even thinking. It was like – and nobody else ran. This is the end of training. And so afterwards, it's like I was brought into the amphitheater.

There's this little theater where they would teach us classes about ordinance and whatever. And they were like, Alan, stand up. And all my peers know I did this. All the instructors know I did this. And he just goes, the main instructor, he's like, Alan, you're a fucking pussy. Sit down. He goes, you're a fucking pussy. And I never want to serve with you. And neither should your classmates.

There's this little theater where they would teach us classes about ordinance and whatever. And they were like, Alan, stand up. And all my peers know I did this. All the instructors know I did this. And he just goes, the main instructor, he's like, Alan, you're a fucking pussy. Sit down. He goes, you're a fucking pussy. And I never want to serve with you. And neither should your classmates.

Sit down. And that was it. And I had to, from that point on, for the rest of training, wear these like, it's almost like a bikini over my shorts. And it was like the worst moment ever because I've made it so far into training. But I knew, and also, by the way, at this point, we weren't even home. I wasn't able to go home and see my wife. We're out at this island for a month.

Sit down. And that was it. And I had to, from that point on, for the rest of training, wear these like, it's almost like a bikini over my shorts. And it was like the worst moment ever because I've made it so far into training. But I knew, and also, by the way, at this point, we weren't even home. I wasn't able to go home and see my wife. We're out at this island for a month.