Joe Mande

i couldn't get into the message boards i needed to the chat rooms that they uh just my password no longer worked there was like no they're like what what was your email in 1998 who are you talking to on there like i i guess it was just like the the other guys in isis yeah yeah exactly yes yeah van attacks and you know between that and the time zones i just it was impossible to keep up with

Oh, my dad's like now getting, getting into that. I thought it was like, he wanted you to go on, protect our, no, no.

it like started off like really light and it got there in like 20 minutes i was like can i i just don't want to talk about this right now i was obsessed with a um queen's public access show when i lived here called um judaism the series oh god and it was just a rabbi screaming into the camera for half an hour and it was it was

I mean, New York. It's still on there. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if. Yeah. I wonder if that show is still on because, you know, it's a series, a long series, I would imagine.

A hot lady.

Oh, right.

That's the first person to openly buy them, I think.

she's chilling she's just inducting people into the we gotta get her in here yeah that'd be cool they gave soros the like the medal of honor was that whole that whole lineup of uh medal winners was incredible they give it to it was like denzel washington of course no he's not even america don't you have to like use a machine gun in world war ii to get the medal of honor

Presidential Medal of Freedom can just be like.

Yeah. The Medal of Freedom is like. Nanette got one.

It's about time. Yeah.

And Hillary Clinton got one. It seemed like it was just Hillary Clinton.

I'm obsessed with his daughter, AJ Katz. One of my favorite Instagram accounts.

She's nuts. She's very, she's been the like president of the Young Republican Guild for years. She's just very, very skinny and wears like American flag bikinis.

Yeah.

I did too. It was like invite only, right? It was invite only.

Yeah, we weren't ready for that.

Right. Well, a blanket. A blanket.

That is scary.

Yeah, yeah. There were people with millions already.

I'm laughing. It sounds good.

Oh, really? Defending his honor?

It is really crazy, though, how many really famous people.

i'm already dead on the inside what happened oh i fell down a hill outside the hampton inn i don't have a problem that's that old pittsburgh i think occam's razor is that all his cars are steam powered you know what i mean like he's just like blowing up like he does have steam powered car i know i've seen him driving like a studa baker that's funny he has like cool cool cars and then sometimes on a show he's like yeah so this was originally owned by donald duck

You think that? Yeah. They're trying to, it's like a long. Probably trying to buy the same cars all the time.

I've never seen Seinfeld wear denim. So, you know, think about that.

Right, because it's like an investment.

It wears a mask on the subway.

Old Chinese women. When I lived here.

Yeah, before COVID. And now, like, in retrospect, I'm like, oh, they were just being thoughtful.

My phone background's been the same thing for 15 years.

I know, but it's so HD. It's so good. It's so clear. But now that you can't turn it off. Oh, that's beautiful.

Can I see that thing, dude?

Is your girlfriend... Yeah, she is a Gentile. You just... You started with her? Well, this year was great. It was both things at once.

Yeah, it was great. Our tree caught on fire.

It's nice emotion to just come up with a different rapper.

We're in a very funny moment right now. I'm getting excited. I'm starting to get hyped. It's going to get so crazy in like a week.

It's nothing. He probably only thinks of Greenland in the flat map where it looks like a third of the world.

Well, it's also all melting, so it'll be like new trade routes. I think that's what it's about.

Well, there was like Fiverr. And then one of my Fiverr guys was like, if we go off the website, I can hook you up. And he was just like a guy in Moldova who was just, for like a couple hundred bucks, was just giving me hundreds of thousands of followers.

It was an episode in Borgen. Was that like Bosch? It's like Danish West Wing, a show I got into during COVID. Do they have a Toby and stuff? It's not like one for one. It should be. She does have an advisor.

But he was doing the marijuana logs.

Yeah, he was getting a kale enema.

I like it with jalapeno and cheese.

That's the move.

so you're a weed you're you're like uh really into it or no and i used to be but yeah me too on that uh but you're i actually have been getting fed a lot of um like crow and raven content on my social media oh like people who have like ravens as pets yeah i'm like

Yeah, I'm kind of intrigued. I don't want to make that my whole identity, which I think it would become.

Well, crows famously hold grudges, like, generationally. They'll teach their children to hate you. But they also remember if you... If you're nice to them. Also, especially a Canadian crow. Yeah, of course.

In the other...

I don't know what the etymology is. It's so weird.

Challenge. This is the first challenge in general.

Really?

Was that at Cameo? No, it was like in the back of a... Was that the name? It was the back of a bar in Brooklyn.

I didn't realize Vice still existed.

I did, yeah. That era was very good to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I...

There were chicks that were like... I got an Urban Outfitters book out of it.

Yeah, it's huge.

oh my god there was a ween album when i was in like sixth grade great band made me so horny it was just like a it was the first time i'd ever seen um what do you call it like australian cleavage or whatever what is that it's like the bottom of the boob oh under boob oh i didn't realize it was called australia oh because it's like i thought that was maybe that's because it's down under yeah the nanette

because it's down under yeah uh so that was like i feel like that was my version of the uh the ass album was the ween what am i you know what i'm talking about that with all the women yeah that was a famous poster oh it's a whatever that was a poster in college all their that was like a

Yeah, yeah. You worked at Maury? I was an intern at the Maury Povich. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, it was great.

then we're doing all the lifting was he was he called me gay in front of like a whole crowd everyone everyone come into the room real quick i have something to say to joe no it was like during a taping he called you gay while he was on stage yeah like so what it was was it was a it was a No, it was pretty close, actually. You open up the envelope. You're gay. The results are in.

Yeah, my dad's like, what? A black guy celebrating? Yeah, yeah. Ah, I knew it.

No, so it was a it was a geek to chic episode, which is like when it was a Jesus chance. Yeah. Yeah. And so you we were told by the producer we were sitting my friends and I were sitting in the in the front row and we were told to like cheer for the women when they like walked by.

when they the hot they the hot version yeah struck by in their bikinis did you boo the ugly version so no that the hot one i just like i was doing a bit where i was like kind of i was pretending to be frightened of them like they walked by and then he stopped he stopped the taping and he was getting his like makeup done so he came out with like wearing a makeup bib and was like joe like she's a beautiful woman stop acting gay and then the whole crowd was like oh

Yes, it was. And the hood fucked with that? Yeah, well, it didn't make the air, but it was a core memory. I would have killed myself.

Oh, the it's the thing, guys.

Apparently she's a nut... Do you ever see the one where she... It was like April Fool's Day and she pretends she got bit by a dog. She comes out and she's acting all shaken up and she tells the crowd... It wasn't a good show because she comes off heartless.

Nor does she know how anything works. Yeah, so she's just acting strangely, but it's April Fool's Day or whatever, so everyone knows that she's doing a bit. But it's not even a good thing. And then she goes, I'm sorry, I just need some water. And then you see her take a pill. Oh, she throws up blood? No, it was just like Alka-Seltzer.

One of them outed the other, right? That was what the guy said.

Just like the Pelosi thing. There was a show called Richard Bay that ruled because it was very similar to, it was very like, you know, Jerry Springer, that type of show. But then it always ended. It then just turned into like Double Dare where they had to like work together to win a prize. Oh, it was a game show also? Yeah, at the very end.

So it would be like just dysfunctional families yelling at each other. And then it was like,

Someone's job is to get him tickets.

Yeah, that was my job. Maury was taking the calls. Hey, Maury, what's up? Yeah, no, that was, I actually, I couldn't handle the phone calls because they were so, like, it was too intimate, too fucked up. It was too sad. Yeah. And so they were like, well, we have a whole room of Maury's mail that no one's read. Personal mail? Yeah, like letters, like the letters.

So my job, because no one else would do it, I got to sit in a room on a couch and open up letters and read them and then... put them into bins that were categorized by show genre. So it'd be like, you know. Drawings of Maury's penis.

Yeah. I mean, one bin was just excellent.

He was. I mean, like, everyone was terrified of him, but, like, yeah, I think he weirdly remembered me as the gay intern, but also because I was the only person who, like, was brave enough to, like, knock on his door and ask for a photo with him because everyone, we were told, like, don't look at it. Don't look at the king. But he was cool. I got a photo with him. He's funny.

Yeah, he was... I mean, it was funny when he called you a... Yeah, it was cool. That was hilarious. But I was hoping that they'd keep it in, but then we had to reshoot it and I had to like... Hell yeah.

Well, you guys talk about the movie Radio a lot. Oh, Nick loves the movie Radio. So I haven't been able to use this idea ever. So this is my platform. This is the place. I had an idea for a sequel to Radio. Okay. Where Radio has a younger brother who is even more... Well, no. I don't even... Yeah, his name could be Video. Yeah. Even more developmentally challenged.

And the whole movie is video trying to convey something to radio. And they're both just, a lot is, a lot's going on, but they're just, they cannot, he cannot communicate this message. And eventually radio realizes that video has gender dysphoria and he helps him get a transition and it's radio to trans sister. Oh, okay. All right.

Just before I came in here, I saw a thing that Melissa Rivers had heroically saved Joan Rivers' Emmy Award from a fire. Oh, my God.

And I don't know what's up with Moldova, but I don't think I was like... funding something.

No, a horrible thing of being slightly more successful than a friend whose house burned down.

You're a bad person. I know. You're just a bad person. I offered to burn my house down in support.

No, he's in Nashville now. He's a country star. Oh. Country star. He's an actor in a show I worked on.

Exactly. Yeah. He left his stove on.

i found out last night that there's a dc councilman whose name is uh magic jordan i was like i love it man of course he won the election that's the coolest that's his christian name well it's like something his middle name legit is magic oh legit yeah magic jordan

That's like a name you give the police.

No, no. He just gets all his clients to do full frontal nudity. His one client?

Do they live there now?

Right. We need to start taking them out.

For sure, yeah.

Do they still do ghost bikes? What are those? Those, like, memorials where it's, like, a white... Oh, yeah.

I wish, man. That was a dark day for me when I lost my Instant Messenger profile. What do you mean?

My name's Ben. I'm a chef. Jewish cyclist sounds like an Oscar bait movie.

Oh, that's a dreadful thought to see. What's the worst way, like two-word combination to be remembered as? Jewish. Jewish.