Jason Vest

Thank you, thank you.

Got it. I'm 40, oh, sorry.

I'm 46 years old and I'm six years overdue for getting my prostate checked. I hate doctors and I'm terrified to get the procedure done because I haven't had a man put a finger up my butt since I was a Cub Scout. For those of you that cringe, do not cringe. I was a loose boy. I was a loose boy. I was a slutty kid and I fucked my way to the top of the Eagle Scouts.

I jerked off a scout leader with a Nintendo Power Glove in the back of a 1986 Ford Escort. And that's how I became the youngest Eagle Scout in history, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran, and I go to the VA medical system for my health care, and it's shitty. I get four Viagra tablets monthly. Four.

I spent 20 years in the military and one year in Iraq, and that only equates to four hard-ons a month? That's why I voted Republican, because Donald Trump said he was going to get us 10. Thank you.

Yeah, oh God. You know. How long ago was your last appearance on the show? Almost a year ago, Tony. I was on it in February of last year.

Four and a half years, Tony.

I started in Detroit, and then I moved to Chicago, and then I moved here a year ago. Wow, Detroit and Chicago.

I haven't performed for so many white people in my life. I'm not used to it. I'm uncomfortable, Tony. I am. Incredible.

I'm retired from the military and I live on my VA disability and my pension and I make content and I'm on the Loveline radio show on KROQ.

No, I retired. I was a National Guard recruiter.

I hold the state record for the Michigan National Guard for the most enlistments in one month.

I lied to kids a lot.

Sorry.

Fuck yeah. Thank you so much. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Incredible. How long have you lived in Austin now? About a year, Tony.

Yeah, fuck yeah, I love it.

I write a lot of content, and that's pretty much it. Like, I write a lot of content, I hang out at home, and I review celebrity feet. Like, I got a foot fetish, and I review celebrity feet for K-Rock. That's what I do on the Loveline radio show. I suck the shit out some toes, man. Oh, shit. That was the chance of a lifetime, everybody.

Bro, you need to get a goddamn pedicure, brother. Damn! Bottoms of your feet are crusty as fuck, dude. These look lovely to me.

So you review feet?

You know who's got fucked up feet? Who? Oprah. She got bunions. Her big toe looked like a turkey leg from a goddamn renaissance fair. Nasty.

I could just see the fucking- I got a sock collection. All right. It is what it is.

Where do you get these socks from? OnlyFans. Yeah.

I got my butthole fingered in a Waffle House bathroom by a big woman I met on Plenty of Fish. Wow.

I paid a South Korean woman to shit on my chest at the Oriental Health and Massage in Jackson, Michigan. And later, well, I'm not done yet. Jesus. I'm not done yet.

Okay, now... And later I found out it was a 47-year-old Filipino man.

You thought it was a Korean woman? I later ended up being a 47-year-old Filipino man. I ran into him at Walmart. So was that a... Wait. Hold on. You didn't find out that night that it was a Korean woman? No, he ran into me at Walmart, and he's like, bro, you don't remember me? And I'm like, no! What?

I could just tell by how he looked. He had the little wrinkles around the eyes. He was older than me. I was 25 at the time.

And you were in... He looked like an older Manny Pacquiao.

Let's just say this. I'm seven years sober now.

I unintentionally gave a Mexican gentleman a foot job to completion on a Greyhound bus en route to Biloxi, Mississippi.

Thank you.

Ask him.