Jake Coulter
Appearances
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth? About the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with a girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of checking for monsters under the bed.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I just reached a year in September. You reached a year in September.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head. Oh my goodness. There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Well, no. See, what happened was me and my friends were doing stupid shit at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids, throwing it halfway down the... You're so gay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, and so I decided I was going to throw it over my head, and I talk with my hand, yes.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, no, I just, I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back. Oh. And went, boom.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
They didn't tell me. They just told me that Texas is an at-will state. It's an at-will state. And they didn't need my services no more.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
At-will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
If I can chew them, I'll say I'm gay. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I mean, I've been called gay my whole life. That ain't nothing new.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, I know. I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees. Oh, boy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn. Vinny called me up and said, we're going to kill, kill Tony. I said, no phony. I got some cowboy boots and a half-bought Ronaroni. I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's he at, bro? And I said, oh, shit, it's comedy. So I left it to my boy, the ShamWow guy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He said, oh, my, but you didn't know because kill Tony said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern. Take it back.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Next question. Wow, the security guy, also PR. I have to leave now.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal because that's how you create supreme beings? Like... Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
But see, I'm gullible and white trash, so the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I've seen on TV, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Like, I've seen The Little Mermaid, so obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some Octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kid's voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Thank you, thank you. I remember you. Oh, I hope that's a good thing.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I don't think I have one besides, like, social anxiety. Okay. All right. I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's a condition. You could put your foot over your head?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What do you do for work, Jake? I just started at HEB. Oh, nice! The best...
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
What exactly do you do at H-E-B? So, I'm cross-functional, so I do everything.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Well, I just got through orientation, so next I'm gonna be a bagger on Wednesday. Wow, that's incredible.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, no. Oh, it's okay. Next week, I'm gonna be in the tortilla-ria. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I don't know. It's what my schedule says. The Tortilleria is a part of the H-E-B. Yeah, I really hope so. Wow.