Jack Shaw
Appearances
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, guys. Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school, I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to. I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day. It was a big fucking day for me, when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, fuck you! Fuck you!
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So I decide to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and says, roll down your window, you trans bitch! And I said, nope! Uh-uh! This made this man so mad. I swear to you, this happened. He took out pantomime finger guns and shot me. And I pantomime caught the bullet in my teeth. Don't pantomime with me, bitch. I went to performing arts school.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Baruch Hashem, my brother. It's so good to see you.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I know, dude. I know, dude. The blood is rushing to my cock and my heart at the same time. It's crazy, dude.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, my God, dude, I'm so happy to be here. The whole fucking city's burning to the ground. I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left, dude. I feel really bad about that, dude. That was really embarrassing, dude. Probably your fucking menorah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Eighth night of Hanukkah special, dude. Burn down the whole fucking city, dude. Great.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude. I cannot afford to live in the palace.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Man, Aaron Belisle's been taking me on the road with him, dude. He's been fucking awesome to me. He's been really cool. All right, so you're opening for Aaron Belisle. Yeah, opening for a guy who can't talk. Do you ever walk in?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I love it. I love his audiences, man. I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy. You're such an inspiration to my son. He's also retarded.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Never heard of him and don't want to hear of him.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Dude, he was driving, dude, and he's trying to talk to me while he's driving. He's got one hand, he's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Ari, you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of a Jewish person. You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! We're supposed to be friends! Look at your fucking face! God damn it!
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Free Palestine! Don't free Palestine! Free Palestine! We don't know what to do, man.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, I know. No, that's definitely true.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Let's do it on the count of three, Ari. One, two, three. Free Palestine.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hey, you guys. I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know? Like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no. And then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah. That was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure, you know? I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Like lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube. I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos though is because they're all titled like porn. Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like, 20 year old college girl gets what she deserves. Karen gets physical and learns her lesson.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Man packs heat in shorts, all the classics. And just like porn, the more that I watch these videos, the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers. Like one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground and I was like, I can't get hard. I'm sorry. He tried tasing me, choking me.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Just mostly daddy issues, shit like that. My dad called me retarded and shit all the time, but you know, what are you going to do? That's it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, no, actually. Both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I am not. They Kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Four years, yeah. And what do you do for work? I work at the Dead Rabbit down the street.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I don't know. I think they just wanted to drink alcohol. I don't know. I don't know what their deal was. Did they drink a lot? Yeah, a decent amount. Not too much. I mean, my dad binges every now and then.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, almost. I think my mom stopped him. My mom was like the saving grace and all that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You're the one that was really grilling on the trauma. I didn't...
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, I try to keep it once every couple of weeks because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's kind of annoying at this point to be talking about my dad.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, shit. Just been an addiction, shit like that. Okay, let's talk about that.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, no. Pretty much. What have you done? I've been addicted to a gas station Kratom. Have you heard of that?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, I suck cock for free. That's really, I just, I blow it. I'm also bisexual, but.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So you just suck cock and then buy your own kratom. I'm sorry? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. No, I mostly just spend all my money on that. You know, that's really it.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, he did. Ignores it. I think he doesn't really want to. Yeah. I think my dad, my brother has ignored him. Has ignored. Or just like my dad hinted at me like being straight. And my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual. And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine. Just don't.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Actually, it's like 50-50. I don't know. I just always liked playing with the boys on the school grounds when I was a kid.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I mean, mostly, I mean, it wasn't until I was – I didn't findle – fondle with anyone back then. But, I mean, like, in high school, I'd hook up with friends and stuff.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm going to try my best to make this work full time, you know, just keep doing my thing, you know? You should.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, yeah. Thank you. I love it. Do you talk about being bi on stage? Yeah, I do. I do have some bits about that, yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I hooked up with a girl the other day, and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not going to pressure you. Did you say a safe phrase? Don't you mean a safe word? She said, no, no, no, no.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell out any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally, I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there going to be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I just... What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell out in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi? You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a give me more kind of Gandhi, you know what I mean? It's all in the tone. No, she said her safe phrase is, hey, stop doing that. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
The whole time in Chicago? Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college, and then in Chicago, yeah. Okay. How tall are you? You're a big man. 6'5". Wow. 6'5"?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I'm very apologetic afterwards, and it's hard to know my own strength and size, but we're figuring it out.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Four seasons in Chicago. It's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic. You live here now? So I'm long distance with a girl in Austin. I've been living with her since November. We've been dating over a year. I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape. It's going to be good. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
She is in the beauty section, though, in a month she's starting management training.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
She visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was... I was the headliner, essentially the last comedian.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, so I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates, you know, super not rapey thing to do. Just being a gentleman. She clapped for me in the audience, and then I kind of did a quick interaction. Tie her up. Pretty much right after the show. And then what?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
She was flying back the next day. When she said she lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show. Did you guys hang out that night or anything?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season, and then now I've been here for a few months. Are you a good caddy? Back-to-back caddy of the year at my club in Chicago. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Well, my co-workers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You admitted it? Uh... We had just hot boxed the car with two joints. So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation. We said, what's the traffic violation? And he just said, how much marijuana is in the car? We were 19. We didn't really like, we know our rights. Right. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Hey, I don't know. I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good one.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Well, really, the most Jewish thing about them is how much my dad hates Jewish people. Right. It really is. It's a very Jewish thing to hate Judaism.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Did you not see the dude's junk when he was dumping on your chest?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, shit, time for the Jewish portion of the show, guys. Lock the door, gas the room. Let's have a good time, okay? Oh, man, I love being Jewish in Texas, guys. I'm exotic here, dude. I am. I've been making shit up, dude. I've been telling people, we still eat babies. I'm having a good time, man. Oh, you guys didn't like that. Okay, that's fine. It's okay, man. I was an angry kid growing up.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I got in some fights growing up. Like, one time at camp, this kid hit me in the head with a ping pong paddle, so I kicked him in the balls. And like, I know that's a cheap shot, but I was such a bad counselor. Okay. I'm trying to learn how to fight. I started taking a Muay Thai class, which was pretty cool. And I don't know why that's funny, you fuckers, dude. Jesus Christ. It was pretty cool.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
The first day I got there, I found out that everyone gets a nickname, and this is true. My nickname was Jew Bitch. The Latino guys had a field day with that one, dude. No pun intended, man. But I found out...
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I found out that the only way to get a new nickname was to fight for it, so I stuck with the nickname. All right. Thank you guys so much.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Oh, more Thai. Muay. Muay. Muay. Muay. Muay. There you go. It's Jewish, man. It's an accent. It's an accent, no? It's Muay Thai, dude. I'm having a Muay Thai. What are we having for dinner tonight?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I guess. No, Prozac didn't really calm me down. It actually kind of gave me the confidence to do comedy, really. Wow. I was super nervous and afraid of everything, and then I got on that. It was super helpful. Amazing. Yeah, that's not funny, but it's a good thing.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
The outside in general, dude, I didn't like going out there. I was depressed, man. I just didn't like myself. And, you know, it was... It made me feel okay to look in the mirror. Jesus Christ. Bro, seriously? What the... Tell him, how about, hey, how's your day, man?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
I've been out here, dude. Life's been good. I got a dog back home. Is it a little scared Jewish dog? It's a little, yeah. He's trying to think of a pun. Couldn't think of one. Okay. He's a husky and a dachshund mix. So he's like an angry fucking dog.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
That poor little Dotson. You better fuck this husky, dude. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
He's staying with my parents right now, and my dad keeps threatening... My dad hates him a lot, and he keeps threatening to put lighter fluid on him and send him to the Palisades. I'm not, it's just a... All right, go ahead, ask him more questions.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
You should have quit while you were ahead. Incredible. Your dad is wild. What does your dad do for work? He was a comedy writer for his career. Oh my God, what did he work on? He worked on a lot of game shows. He worked on the Hollywood Squares for a while. He worked on some sitcoms. He worked on The Nanny. Remember that show?
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Wow, so he's retired now? He's retired by force. He can't find any work. Wow. Yeah, it's super cool. Is he jealous of you? Did he ever do stand-up comedy? He did, dude, and he's really proud. He's really proud, man. He's proud.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
Yeah, I have a brother. He's 10 years older than me. He's from my dad's first failed marriage. He's on his second with my mom. Okay. Wow.
KILL TONY
#703 - GABRIEL "FLUFFY" IGLESIAS
They do not love each other. No, that's not totally true, but I hear them whisper fighting in the other room all the time. I bet. Such a fucking bitch, Sherry. Shut up. I don't want to hear Jack call you a fucking bitch.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Hey, guys. I'm very happy I just got an acting manager. I've always wanted to be an actor, and I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for. The first audition I ever got was for a college student who gets the shit kicked out of him.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said, this kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him. And then my favorite audition I got was for creepy 80s porn projectionist, which I fucking nailed. And then most recently I went out for dumb guy number two who is sensitive to sound and cannot make eye contact.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So I think my type is fucking autistic and... Turns out I did well because I got a callback for that role, and it was down to me and a guy named Trevor who was, like, severely autistic. And somehow, I got the part, guys, so...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not a real name. Sadiqian? Yeah. Is that Armenian? I think he's Iranian. Iranian. Uh-oh.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, dude. What have you done? That commercial I was talking about, it was a Spectrum commercial.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I said, is that a metaphor? That's it, that's it. Well, I'm sold. We should have said, we're on the spectrum. Okay, all right, shouldn't have said that, maybe not. Well, I did that joke about 30 seconds ago. Yeah, well.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I played a lawyer, of course. I did a Hulu show. That's coming out. That's pretty cool, I guess.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I didn't do it. It wasn't me who occupied it. Okay, all right, all right.