Ian Simon
Appearances
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
How you guys doing? Everybody good? Fantastic. Fantastic. Oh, this is fucking amazing. I got to take a piss so bad. I just forgot to share it with you guys. Didn't have time. So I was thinking, do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb? I was just thinking about random shit all the damn time. I was thinking the best place to pick up women is probably Planned Parenthood.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Because you know there's a good chance they put out, and if things don't go well... Just a suggestion. Let's see. You know what fucking sucks? I've been wearing hats my whole life, OK? Because I didn't want this cul-de-sac fucking thing. I don't mind the going bald, but why isn't it just all bald, OK? Why the fuck is, it just doesn't make any sense. You get the cul-de-sac, and then what is this?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Anybody else bald out there? Don't lie to me. There's lights. I can see you. It gleams. Anyway, this thing, this fucking island. Why is there a fucking island?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
In total, probably two years, a year and a half, two years. Okay, where at? Here, here. I moved here, let's see, about four or five years ago to do fucking comedy. And the first time I did it was out here.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
So I did it right away when I came out. And I did it and kept doing it, and then things in life happened. What in life happened? My dad fucking died.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Several. So they were the ones that... By the way, you almost made it sound like a fun pack, by the way. Oh, no, it fucking sucks, dude. I love my dad. We were really close. He had a great sense of humor. He did. Yeah, he did. I don't know. This is bullshit. But, like, you know, growing up, Abbott and Costello and that type of stuff.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And that's a compliment, guy. Thank you. Onions have layers and ogres have layers. That's right. Ian Simon, what do you do for work? That's a good fucking question, Tony. So I was on disability for 20 years. What was the disability? Well, I've had... Okay, we'll get personal here. Fuck it. I've had surgery on both feet, three knee surgeries, twice on the left, left rotator. What happened?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I'm up to 13 fucking hernias, dude. What happened to your feet and knees? What happened? Adrenaline junkie, just through the years. So what were you doing? Oh, shit.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I like to go fast. I was a passenger in a lot of them. Mine were mainly with inanimate objects. About 13, don't count anything under 50 miles an hour. It's quite impressive, I'm retarded.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It means that they go into your face with a little screwdriver that's got a round razor on it.