Ian Hecox

Who says that?

Yeah.

He's grateful.

Damn.

100%.

What?

I was like, yeah, Civ VI or Civ VII. I was like, I don't know, Civ VI, Civ VII.

Fuck.

She's in a restaurant. It sounds like it was far away, I'm assuming. I need to know the exact distance.

He kind of makes it sound like it's out a ways. Yeah, which is pretty crazy for a first date. But they've been FaceTime dating. Yeah.

Really, how far could this place be?

I would definitely have more questions.

And I don't think he reacted as cool and collected As he's saying, because he's like, I left her there and I paid for my half.

And so it's like, oh, you know, he was deep in his feelings.

Is she actively in the make-out era with that friend?

I'm guessing if I had to guess what the context was, that they probably used to make out. Or a couple times they got drunk and made out in the past, but then they agreed it's weird. That's my assumption, too. And he just can't get that out of his head because he's like, I'm driving her to her other boyfriend's house.

If that, yeah. If that's what she's saying.

Fascinating. No, I think that's a really good point. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, just be like, thank you for apologizing to me.

Let me fucking apologize, dude. Let me apologize to you, bro. Let me apologize. Okay, well, I mean, that's a good update. I guess. I still, you know, I'd like them to get together. I know, it is sad. He said they had good chemistry, so it's like, get over it, dude. Like, move on.

already no feelings i know that's that's the thing where i'm like i'm like bro get over it you guys had like good chemistry or whatever in your date yeah she said she's gonna end things with the friends with benefits say all right cool it's you know date number two just like you know exactly get over yourself that's true it's so early on i think he was embarrassed yeah yeah there's a lot of elements going on right yeah no need to apologize though

I'll never apologize to you guys.

So you don't ever need to. No, that's good to know. That's great.

Beat your freaking butt, Mike.

Ooh, oh no. What is it, junk words or sober thoughts or whatever? That's right, no that's right.

Wait, how did he describe their relationship? A blast. A blast. Always a blast. It's always a blast. That sounds exhausting. Yeah.

Third.

Buddy, shut up. He got away with it. If he would have just shut his mouth. Shut up. After the first one.

But like- I mean, it was a sex goddess that was number two. That's so true. I know.

I know.

Way too comfy.

I mean, he very much wanted to tell her that. If he felt like it didn't sink in the first time he said it and then decided to bring it back around, I guess maybe this is something that he was like, It's probably something he's been wanting to tell her, but he was afraid to tell her.

Like, probably his experiences with men, he was probably ashamed of that in some way. Yeah. And then this other person that he's probably thought about since they got together.

Yeah, yeah.

You only tell people when they're number one. And even if they're not, you lie.

That's true.

I mean, look, this guy? Yeah. Sounds like a very accommodating husband saying, like, I never really enjoyed Disney and then agreeing to go all these times.

Maybe just one beer tower next time. Maybe just one.

The bumpers are coming down.

Splash Mountain. I think they're going to work it out.

But also, like, marriage is a partnership and it sounds like in every discussion of a vacation, she has won everything. this argument and yeah. I mean luckily I think the Disney resort on Hawaii is like, it is more of like a hotel. I think there's like stuff for like kids to do but there's not like roller coasters and space mountain stuff.

And I own you too. Bitch! Yeah, sure. No, it's more fun.

Cause I, cause like the things that he was saying to her, like, I mean, obviously I'm not in this relationship, but I believe the things that he was saying. I mean, there are certain things that shouldn't have said and saying like, but you're like the best sex that is meaningful. It's like, bro, like, let's just not go there.

Like, don't do that. That's like dumb guy shit. Totally. Like we've all said dumb guy things like that before. At least I know I have. Um, Where it's just like, yeah, there just comes a point where you just shut up. Yeah. But I think, yeah, her turning around and being like, I guess I'm not like, I guess I'm not a sex goddess or I'm not enough of a man.

It's like, bro, you are, you are missing the mark. Missing the point. Yeah.

It's just a place where you sleep and then you can like go outside and like.

I just don't think she's secure enough to be in a relationship like that.

Yeah. A little twinge of biphobia, too. I'm just going to say it. Just going to say it.

No, for sure.

Update, she had sex with two people that were better than him, now he's number three.

She's got guys bowling strikes all up in that. Sorry.

Split.

She's waxing balls left and right.

Something about like the holes. I don't know.

You know what? All right. Shoes. You're done. Just get me out of here.

How old are you, bro?

Yeah. How do you, I'm just like, I'm so confused because like you're together for like, what was it, 12 years? And how do you, how do you like not even communicate about like where you're going for your vacation? Like, well, we're going to Hawaii, Disney Hawaii. Like what, you already bought the tickets and everything?

That's the most insane thing, where it was like, the moment they were like, take a hint, like, we don't want you here. And then you stay after that? I know, man.

And it definitely sounded like... And the whole, like, they were laughing and everything. It was like, oh, no, they were doing the kind of, like, awkward laugh of, like, diffusing a situation, trying to diffuse a situation.

I didn't even know 19 year olds knew Ignition. They know the remix to Ignition.

It is kind of funny imagining him like winning them over in an argument and then be like.

Update. Stop. They're dating now. Stop. Update. What's that face?

What does that mean, Chain? It's not his update.

Yeah. I call that the messy. I don't know if he does that.

I think they all kind of do the wings. And you do the slide. Yeah, you do the slide. Oh, the slide with the wings. And you slide forward. That's a good move. Yeah. That's a Messi. Anyways. I can't do that on this, what do you call this material?

Jute. Yeah, I can't do- I knew that. I can't knee slide on jute.

Yeah, big deal. Was huge in the 2010s. Yeah.

Do I?

And I think that Disneyland isn't even, it's not even in Paris. It's like a ways out of the city. So that would be a good excuse to be like,

22?

She gave him cake. A corner booth? Well, because when he said, I went to a bar and all ages are there, I was like, I don't think that's how bars usually work. It was a fucking Applebee's.

Right.

Yeah. Yeah, because you're just trying to de-escalate a weird situation. Which I know is like, because they're terrified of him. And clearly, he made a hole.

yeah let's go to Disneyland in Paris and be like oh it's like so far away from Paris let's just go for one day and then oh our hotel's here in Paris guess we gotta walk around Paris I think that there's I think that there's a good way that that this husband can convince her to go to other places in the world he's like hey hey you know Epcot you know how they had that like little Japan place we could go to the real one

Yeah. Yeah. Totally. It is, like, it is crazy, though, that he saw the night, that he, like, eagle-eyed the 19 on the cake and was like, let's go.

No. People behind the camera are shaking their heads no.

Oh, Cheaters? Cheaters? Cheaters, is that what it's called? A lot of our audience probably has no idea what that is. I think the show ended when he got stabbed.

Yeah.

If this was all done for a TikTok, I'm gonna be livid. You know it was.

If you were in that relationship and they were simulating sex as a joke.

That's weird.

They have like a whole, there's a whole place that's like that in country size. Do you know that there's a real Morocco?

The only ones that get a pass for me, the mean pranks, are the Japanese ones. Those are hilarious, unfortunately. Like, they get in the porta potty and all the walls go down. And it launches them out, yeah. Yeah, launches them onto the lake and they're, like, holding onto the porta potty while they're, like...

Yeah, but their pants are down.

Cheating pranks go all the way back to the prank sort of golden era on YouTube, which totally sucked. But it was like, yeah, there was a lot of those cheating pranks, and it was obviously fake.

Well, you don't know your boyfriend that well.

At the end of the ski slope is his wife and some guy. With divorce papers. Were you tricked?

With divorce papers and a DNA test that shows that the son is not his.

Do you remember Wish, wish.com?

Okay.

I think... I think where the issue could come is that's like costume jewelry. So I'm wondering if like that gold or whatever is gonna start wearing off. Like a $30 ring, I don't think that's gonna last.

I kind of feel like he just saw it and was like, oh, that's pretty. I have two weeks until I have to propose to her. I could get this ring in a week. I don't know, because like...

Because Timu also, like, don't they, like, throw a bunch of shit at your face? And they're like, buy this. Now buy this. Now buy this. And I wonder if, like, he just got served that ring and was like, that'll work.

And he knows he fucked up because he was so, he was avoiding the question, did you buy a Santimu? I'm gonna sleep on the couch. He knew he did. But yeah, guys, don't buy costume jewelry for wedding rings.

Yeah. I'm very excited for Am I the Asshole stories because, I mean, I feel like that's kind of like where we started with these.

I think I know what can fix this relationship.

Bowling night!

You get matching bowling outfits. Two beer towers.

Just admit you fucked up and then work together on getting a better ring.

He's focused on winning. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I think, I think like, I mean, it's definitely seems like they have a communication problem or like a standing up for like your, what you want to do problem. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, he is right, it is just like a resort.

Oh boy, I really overreacted. She saw the post, yeah.

Let's go. You guys knew I was going to be on the show and you put a Disney adult in here.

Wait, wait, wait. No, this is fake. Because when you said that she backed into her garage and she got whiplash from that, I was like, did she... Was she driving like a Tesla?

You injured your neck and you want to go to a theme park? Oh, hold on, hold on. She's playing, okay, hear me out. Okay, because when you have like, when you go to Disneyland, right, and you have like accessibility problems, don't you like get to like skip the line?

They changed that? They changed that.

Whoa! Because I was going to say, maybe she's playing 3D chess. She's like, okay, I'll run in the garage, hurt my neck, so I can skip the line at Disney World.

This is like, I don't know. An amusement park is not where I would go if I injured my neck. You can't, you shouldn't ride any rides if you have a neck injury.

Yeah. Bullshit. I feel like this is like, this is like some kind of like weird new agoraphobia where like you only feel safe. Yes. You only feel safe inside your own house in Disney World.

we're living in.

No more updates. Another update? It ends there. That's because. He's going to Disney World. Oh, 100% they're going to Disney World. He's not going anywhere. He's going to Disney World. He's going to Disney World and he's gonna love it.

Oh my God. I was wondering why you guys were losing it off camera as you were getting to that point.

We're going to Disneyland. She loves that. This might be one of my favorite stories.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe it was for Winnie, yeah.

Give me this.

Yeah.

Right.

Oh.

Yeah.

But they're family, right? Yeah.

Cousins.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Move on.

No, yeah.

Yeah, I got Kerrygold at home, but like butter from the Brittany region of France. Whoa, all right. Fancy man over here. That's some high-grade butter with a little salt on the top. It's good stuff.

A year.

We'll have to assume that it's probably not a great wage. And she's not happy with it, right? But also, Philippines mention!

Yeah, Jollibee.

Yeah. Ha ha. I don't understand the heart eyes emoji, but I mean, when you texted me for a raise, I sent you the little monkey emoji. You did. And I felt like that was pretty clear.

What's going on here?

I could see the ha-ha being the response.

I mean, it's not a good response. No, it's a bad response. But the hard eyes, I think the hard eyes might have been for somebody else. But I think we'll find out very soon, very shortly.

Damn, I can't believe that content exists.

And, I mean, like, even if that boss was considering a raise, there's no way it was going to be even close to what this person's making at this new job. No, no. It's like, yeah, just like... I think that was a really good move of just being like, no, I'm just going to keep it professional. I'm just going to leave no drama.

Cause I think like some people, they, they, you know, they really want to have that moment. And it's like, you don't know where you're going to be in five years. You might need a reference. And you want to leave a good impression when you leave a place of employment.

Especially as young as that person is. You don't know where you're going to be in 10 years.

Oh, no.

But guys, guys, guys, all right. Look, we have a huge, we have a big audience here. Now we have the chance to do something really funny. We can do this. Everyone, everyone go out right now and tell people it's called Reader's Digest. Because it used to be in bathrooms. It used to be in bathrooms. So you're like digesting your food and you're reading. Yeah.

Let's do it.

I'll tell you exactly what it is. Man just loves butter and he's embarrassed about it. I think he's just going in there and he's just going... Like, you know the hot dog shooter?

I guarantee you that's what's happening. Some people just love butter.

Yeah. That's butter. Oh, I read something about some guy that was eating a ton of meat and butter and cheese. That's keto. He was sweating out white stuff out of his pores. It might be bullshit.

He just needs to just tell us what you're doing with the butter.

But as a partner, I would need to know, because I'm worried about this person's safety.

That's insane. You caught him butter handed.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I do remember that story. Yeah, they were doing gay stuff, right?

Did I, oh, I thought there was some other story we listened to where it was like people in a room and they were like, oh, it's so good.

I mean, if I was a nurse, I'd be like, yeah, he put it up his butt. Because nurses, they find all sorts of crazy things up people's butt all the time. People be doing that. But not butter, it melts. But I'm still thinking dude is just eating butter and he's just ashamed of it for some reason. There's a lot of people that have fixations on certain kinds of foods. My friend eats rocks.

Pigeon milk? Yep. Interesting.

Butter stuff.

Little troll down there. I have a theory, but I don't need to express it.

Yeah. All right, update. Are we finally getting it? Are we finally uncovering the mystery? So...

for you to be with him. That changes your whole way you see somebody. Pandora's butter.

Yeah, I think he's lubricating something in the bathroom and then using it.

Do you think, do you think he put his balls in his butt? Shane?

Well, we don't know. Maybe he just flushes it down. I don't know. It's a whole stick of butter. Trust me, if he's doing anything with that butter, like lubricating something, I'm glad he doesn't put it back.

What if he is just eating it? And he's like, I can't ever look at you the same way again.

Yeah, okay, here's a great way to try to get your stuff, belittle the person and say that they're fucking a whole city.

It might be someone out there. The world is large. There's somebody else there that likes putting butter up their butt, I'm sure.

Okay.

It was intentional.

Dude, the royal family's just thinking, like just fucked up on like so many levels.

You came in chin. We'll have like crumpets go across the screen.

That's tough. Yeah, well, he shouldn't have said the Camilla Diana thing.

That is what he said. Like... Well, she got married... The Camilla of the story.

She's married to someone else now, like, doing their own life. Like, I think... I... I don't think it's an issue. I think it was an issue that he worded it that way. I think that was really stupid. That was one of those, that was one of those like, you know, us guys, sometimes we say just like one line that's just like, shouldn't have said that.

I think also, yeah, I mean, he probably loved her and then life moved on. It's possible for him to have loved her and love his new wife just as much. I don't think there's any issue with that. I think what he said was really stupid and was not like... he didn't take her feelings into consideration and what that would do to her. Right. But I think,

I think, yeah, she's gotta get, she has to get past this. If she doesn't, then it's gonna eat at them until it's over.

Because those hypotheticals could eat at you forever.

Also, yeah, I guess it's also like, how well do you know the Diana Camilla story? Right. Because did he just think it was just simply parents didn't accept her so he found somebody else. Because these other people that are commenting clearly know more about the story and they're like, oh, he like cheated on her with Camilla and did all this other stuff.

And maybe she knows the story better than he does. And he's just like, oh, one woman, another woman, that's the story.

Oh, I get it.

That's a good possibility. How old's the kid and when were they together? Um... I mean, I'm gonna be really disappointed if this broke up the relationship. I think he's an idiot. but I don't think that he was being malicious.

It's a secret third thing! Of all the ones! I gotta take a lap for this one. Of all the ones. Of all the ones that have a crazy reveal.

I think a lot of people are sold the fantasy of van life without the reality that comes with it.

Okay, can I just say, I think we got the plot to Hitch 2.

Oh no. Nobody did. It's just Will Smith, hitching people.

It feels illegal. Like people have issues with arranged marriages, but the parties are aware that it's happening.

We think she's gay and she won't have babies.

And the husband, quote unquote, figured it out and didn't, think to mention it to her?

Like, when you were describing it, I was, like, hearing the soundtrack to, like, a horror movie playing in my head. Yeah. With, like, every reveal is like... Yeah. You know, it's just... That is... If this is a real story, that is... Insane. I think I believe this. I believe this one too. Who do you go to?

I wouldn't do that to somebody that I was even remotely close to.

And they're like, we need to put a baby in you. We didn't think you were gonna have a baby.

It's a good first step.

When you're trying to discover what your reality truly is.

Yeah, you'll get a gamer score trophy if you get your therapist to cry.

Yeah, if you give them a good enough story, yeah. I've never made a therapist cry. Damn. My life's pretty boring. You should try making fun of them.

Hey guys, let's work to send our therapist to therapy.

If they're good therapists, they should, yeah.

Oh, dude, I cannot wait to see that. To have an audience full of people. Oh, I'm getting chills. Chills.

Butter? Butter? Oh, butter? Better?

Okay, we kind of glossed over that whole part that she was going to edit her book and do what for the husband?

Hey. Hello. Hi. Thank you for being here. Hey, we're happy to be here. Updates are, I mean, it truly is like the greatest gift to mankind.

She might still be in the desert and she's hallucinating all of this.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if you took this to Judge Judy, I think she would rule in the woman's favor.

That's what I agree with. And you can also have the receiver sign for it. Yeah. And if there's nobody there, then they come back later.

He's got the Seiko, you know.

Oh, gosh. Are those our only three options?

Since this is an update, something tells me... I feel like if she mails the watch, then the story's over. So I don't think she's gonna mail the watch. Okay. I think she might meet him somewhere.

Do you think when, like, do you think, like, in the 50s? Yeah. After the atomic bomb, the guys that worked on the project was like, update, hydrogen bomb.

You really think there's drugs in that watch?

You know, he just fucked up and the watch got misplaced and he's like, actually, it was a test. It was a test and you failed and you're a bad person.

Well, I gotta say, tests always work. Relationship tests always work out.

I wonder how, sorry, go for it. I think we're about to say the same thing. Like, how long were they together before they went? I know, we don't have that info. Because it's like, you didn't see any kind of signs, and this just happened once you started vanlifing?

What's y'all's favorite butter? Drop it in the chat. I like standard Irish butter.

Sure.

Which – But still, like, it's just like she just shipped – she still just shipped a watch. But it's not – And they're like, here's $1,000. Like, they're not going to get $1,000 from –

Oh, okay, yep.

Okay. Damn, he's going to claim us now. Now he's going to take all the money from this episode.

Oh, it's a pharmacy?

Badass.

Got it.

He just always has a filter on.

Sucks.

Yes.

All of that sucked.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I

She has to tell her.

Oh!

And it is dumb. Okay.