Ian Finance

Yeah, please clean this up. She's leaking. She's leaking. Holding on by a thread really got me. Get off the phone, Jordan. I know, I'm looking at my makeup.

I really want to bring my cat on the road. That'd be so fun. You can't do that. That's crazy.

But I got Glenn to be buds with Samson while I'm on the road. Because Samson would...

I got upset when I was gone. Who's Samson now? My other cat. My roommate. Yeah, my roommate. And so when I come home from the road now, Samson doesn't cry because he's got Glenn, but I want to take him on the road. He's crying when you come home from the road. Have you picked up on that? Because he's upset.

No, that he misses me.

Daddy's home. I said that last night.

Pushing it is crazy. I was yelling at her. I was supporting her.

But I don't want to. He's playing a didgeridoo. I don't want to leave one of them alone. The whole reason I got Glenn is to be Samson's buddy.

piss in a box because they're polite. They don't piss in public on the floor.

She's a year old.

Well, I would love to take my loved ones on the road.

You don't want to use a leash for the dog? Not at the airport, not at the comedy club, not anywhere.

That's cool. That's pretty good.

And I was like, that's a good dog.

People get mad and she's like, this is your problem.

I took it very seriously. I pictured you with a thing in your arm where a hawk lays. Recall! Recall!

Dude, that is like when someone kills someone and then they show up at the scene of the crime. I'm like, wow, that guy does good work. That killer must be hot.

Jordan gives it, take it back, touch black, no trade back. She hands him an Uno card.

There you go.

There you go. That would be cool if it was animated, and then our adult animated selves were in it, too.

Isn't it funny? Mine are all color and hers are black and white. That's hilarious. The only time she's ever gotten color was when I was there.

Mm-hmm. We're matching tattoos. What are they? Product of New York. They're coffins that say Product of New York. It's a coffin that says Product of New York. It's a logo from a great band, New York hardcore band called Incendiary.

Shout out incendiary. I just got this new one for Glenn. You already got a tattoo of him? He's my guy.

You don't have to worry about it.

I got distracted.

Oh, your prescription's about to expire. I saw something that was like discount. I was like, zoinks.

Oh, yeah. I wanted to get a coffee commitment at my home group.

Boyfriend. Hold on. Hold on. Back up to coffee commitment. You want a what? In recovery meetings, there's different roles, and I want to get the coffee commitment where you show up early to make a coffee.

Semolina, focaccia. Do that airplane bit.

No, I know focaccia, but what's semolina? Semolina role.

Oh, well, you would do it all the time, not just one time. No, no. It's like once a week. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I'd like to do that. And I'd like to... He's up there. He flips a pad asking for dip.

Okay, so you want to do that? I also would like to get back into the gym because I have had a lot of injuries this year. You got hit by a car, didn't you? Yeah. I'll look at her. She thinks I milk it. What? You do like attention. Well, yeah, but not that kind. It's true. I am injured. And I went down to Florida to get the platelet therapy.

Shout out Dr. Bill Bonner. It's true.

Bill who? Bill Bonner? Bill Bonner. Bill Bonner. My doctor down in Florida. If there's any of the jury members out there listening. He drew 22 vials of blood, spun it around, turned it into plasma. I got those injections. Why'd you go all the way down there? They do that here. I was going to do that for my hair. They haven't taken yet. They haven't taken.

Don't do it. Let it be natural. Just go. Okay, guy. He's holding on to it.

Oh, yeah. That was amazing. Put that mouth away.

I think they still do. I didn't have friends to make fake languages with. Okay.

Played poker?

As a kid?

I played poker in high school. We used to run poker games at parties.

Yeah.

Graja and Tiger. I had an imaginary best friend that was a deer named Venatio. Oh, I know this. That's nice.

Early 20s. Long time. I think college was a weird time. Yeah. Pandemic really got the best of me.

Get out of here, Valahulu.

Falafucky. Oh, Raja. Falafucky. Falafucky.

I'll give you that. I had a crush on Ariel, Jasmine, and Bambi.

That kind of explains a lot. I thought Bambi was a girl. I don't know. You had a crush on her?

Let me bring you up to speed real quick. Hold up a second. Bambi's a deer.

Jessica Rabbit, big crush. Yes, he's all right.

I'm like Roger Rabbit. He is Roger Rabbit. In what sense? Because I'm a silly cartoon and I fuck hot chicks.

And there's also a private eye currently looking for him. And if you do two bits of air, can I lose my mind? Yeah.

We're not getting into it, even though she brought it up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we fly out of Newark at the same time, they're like, make it tourist covered. They're going to shoplift everything.

No, there's no loophole. Shut the fuck up. There's no loophole. It's not happening.

Girl, don't get me started. No contact. Block, delete, move on. No dating for a while.

We'll see what's in the cards. I'll take you out. A couple of fried pickles. Henry? I had a date with a fella a couple weeks ago. It was amazing. What's that look like? Dude, he came over and we... What? This is how I talk when I'm with men.

It was amazing. We listened to Steely Dan, smoked cigarettes, played my wrestling video game.

Oh, just a couple of boys. And sucked each other's dicks. It was incredible.

Loser sucks the other one's dick. What do you know? My controller's not plugged in.

What? Steely Dan's great.

You do that? I do that.

You do that. You do that.

You know about that.

But, yeah, maybe I'll date a fella. Maybe, you know, this is going to be, you know, 2025. I'm excited. Is this your year? This is my year. Are we looking at an Ian glow up? I'm turning 40. December 30th. Two shows. Rhode Island Providence Comedy Connection. 8 and 10.30. Tickets still available. Tickets still available.

Oh, my God.

Feeling alive. Feeling good.

Me?

That's a drink. Why don't you guys come? What are you doing? I love guns.

That's so hurtful.

I used to shoot squirrels with a BB gun.

Over the calamari hors d'oeuvres. We were like, oh, yeah, we were.

You didn't have to grow all your own food.

Were you working?

I'm hungry.

That's like an ozempic, isn't it? Giardia? Yeah, it sounds like a medicine. They sell you later.

You make the yogurt with yogurt?

And then I'd start fucking thinking about it. On the one hand, you got me like, why come over and listen to Steele again? And then she's like, want to make yogurt in my sleeping bag?

Well, it was in between eating off other people's plates.

Okay. I'm on that.

Wait, you would do what?

You know, at the time, we were keeping chickens in our pockets. You tickle them on the neck, they make an egg, you put it in the gas station hot dog container.

Yeah, really? That's crazy.

I got some yogurt culture. How you get it done is you get your squirrel that you carry in your shoulder to distract.

Oh, I use bags of chips as blankets.

And I was in the middle of grabbing them while they were taking them away. And we were like, no, keep them.

Well, you got it.

I did that with Samson. I would lay on the ground and put his food on my chest so he'd associate me with the thing he needed to live.

That's not bad.

It was so gloopy. Hey, you bring the yogurt. I'll bring the sleeping bag.

Of recidivism.

It's built to make it so that you fail.

And the only way to get past it is to rob, cheat and steal.

Hey, pickle boy, shut up.

And then they all wore togas and Louie Louie played at the end.

Is that from Animal House?

I had to do that in college. I had to take two semesters worth of credits in one semester because I got incompletes for an entire semester because I told everyone.

while I was student teaching while I was working a job it was crazy because the last semester that I was supposed to go to class I didn't because I was drinking and I told all my professors I was in rehab and I was like shaking when I went to them because I hadn't drank that day so they were like oh god it's real and then I got it all done I electrocuted myself right before I walked in I got it all done the real way I didn't forge papers or nothing I forged

Smokehouse. Sounds like a weed shop.

Why were you taking chemistry?

What was your major?

That's crazy. Your major was philosophy, and they were like, take chemistry.

Yeah, you had to do all these.

Yeah, the Warner Brothers lot. And who went? You two? Us, and we brought our son, Luke. Your son, Luke. And who picked up this bill? Me.

Because they wanted to kill themselves because they were traumatized at a young age. What the fuck? And you're relating this to what? That's like the perfect epitome of the tragedy of my life. As soon as you give a little girl a puppy, you go, here, this one will live. And then he beats it and then it kills itself.

Yeah.

Because you were like, what's the most dirtbag story?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I needed them to feel a little bit bad for me. I forged the papers, but I had a really hard life.

But why did he keep beating them if it didn't work the first five times? Why did he keep bringing them to the road? And then I was like, maybe he just liked that part.

She's asking us the things she should be asking him. Why did he keep beating the dogs?

I don't know, honey. That's not really an us question. It never worked.

It's above my pay grade.

Stop describing the dog's faces. Oh, well, no.

Okay. When was the last time you were arrested?

I ate food I didn't have to make. Oh, I didn't tell you, dude. The last time I saw you, I remember I was like, I'm throwing at the first pitch.

Remember the last time I was here, I was like, I'm throwing at the first pitch. The day before I threw that out, I got arrested for having that knife. And I got out of jail, and the next day I flew and threw out the first pitch. Which you ducked, by the way. Oh, yeah. Wasn't it a bad pitch? It bounced and went right to the chest of the guy. Fuck you.

Well, I have a bum shoulder. I'm getting injections. I got a fucked up shoulder. I told you. I was trying. The shots didn't take. It looked good. Thank you.

It did look like a good pitch.

Why did you get a knife? Because people were getting assaulted in the city, and I'm a little guy. Who found a knife? Why'd you get a knife? Stop for a knife. Officer Forbes on the 73rd Street subway station. He just stopped you? She saw, I guess, the, like, latch in my pocket. And she was like, what's that? I was like, my knife. Oh, my God. I'm in.

Oh, I didn't forget to take my meds. Fuck, I forgot to take mine today, too. Are you kidding me? I forgot. Oh, fuck.

Easter eggs. God damn it. Holy space.

I went full manic last night and went full Ian.

Are you pulling out your Patreon card? I quit the vape.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I had to get taken home because I would scream and cry at night thinking my mom was going to die, too.

If he didn't want it, why would he wag his tail? The dog was going, mm-mm-mm. Okay. We've never seen a rabbit kill itself before.

He beat the shit out of it.

She fucking vapes. She does these fucking tobacco packs. I rip a cigarette and she's like, you're killing yourself.

I figure you both are going to slink out of here into the sewers. You at home in TV land. Look it up.

I can stay. I got nowhere to go. No, Ian. We're bombing the place for termites. Finally get my medicine. I'm going to get a hit on that.

Oh, that's right. They can't do it. I forgot. I'm sorry. She can't put her jacket on. I forgot about that. It's so wet. Be an Ian with Jordan every Wednesday. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod. RIP Jordan Jensen every other Monday. And Bellevue Outpatient on the weekends. December 31st, Comedy Connection, Providence, Rhode Island. Providence, go see Cousin Ian. Come on out.

Two shows with a special guest.

It's going to be fun. We sold out the live podcast on December 30th, and then I'm on the road every weekend until the end of May. Fantastic. Go to punchup.live slash Ian Finance. Ian, Jesus, you're going to hurt her. Check out my special Wild, Happy, and Free on YouTube.

Have you never met Icebox?

You're fantastic. We love you both. Love you guys so much. I'm so happy we could come here together. I have Christmas shirts for you guys. Merry Christmas. These are just your merch. Uh-huh. Okay. It's left over from this last run. I think you're going to charge me $25 for it. $35 card, $25 cash. Here's triple X for the big man. And Luke, I got you triple X for YouTube. Oh, these are good quality.

From Edgeman Printing. Luke, extra large. I had double X, but I sold them. But, you know, thank you, guys. And you can get these on my Instagram.

Just call me. Edgeman printing. Shout out Jimmy Edgeman, Detroit. No, we got to get a picture. Can you get a picture? Let the girl go.

So, you know, when I was in fourth grade... Gang, we love you.

Everyone in her family is like fucking Kit from A League of Their Own.

You were Marla. Still well, baby. I was not Marla.

Yeah, I was.

Uh-huh. She was a good asset to the team.

The company card. I have the company card. Uh-huh. And I used it to buy us dinner. But Jordan also has one. No.

But he always said he did. I know, because in my mind, I'm the one that took the card out. That's not true. I'm not trying to stolen valor fucking taking money, giving money. This is the most derping conversation. I had the card, so I said me. You're imagining who picked it up, yes. But we, it's the Patreon.

Did you know she was going to talk about that? No, I didn't. It was in my bag. That's crazy. Look, you can see we have the knives up to each other, and Jordan is actually sticking the knife in my throat. Marla Hooge. Listen.

Yeah, well, they were like, oh, she's a fan of yours. But she wasn't a fan of mine. I go, well, fuck her then. Fuck her.

Yeah, she's like, I really can't do that. Yeah, because she has to charge for the pictures. She doesn't have to do anything. She could have had the goodness in her heart to do it. Man, you two are something else. What? Can I drink this? Yeah, have some.

No! Give me!

Also, I love how I walked in.

How do you do this? You just pop it in? Like this.

This is going to make me puke. Oh, God.

10 seconds.

I'll tell you this. Speaking of blowing up, I blew up the Denver airport bathroom. I shit so hard it went up my back. I had to wash my clothes.

You shouldn't have that many away games.

What did you say? I stayed at the Ramada window. Quit bragging. Out by the airport. Dude, it's a trash hotel. I love it. The first time I ever stayed there, there was a guy on meth going to the guy at the county.

There's a man in my room. Look. And it was just a video of nothing. And the guy goes, sir, if this happens every week, why do you continue to stay here?

I like the free breakfast.

There's a man in my room and a photo of nothing is so funny. Look at him staring at us.

I'm like, there can be another man.

What are you, a bear?

I have to have locks on my cabinets because she comes in and eats all your honey. I thought you meant salmon.

Yeah, but she doesn't ask. She just goes in and just roots through it and stuff ends up on the floor.

I'm like, that's eight weeks old, Tony.

When I got the new cat, Glenn, shout out Glenn, I love you. Is he a listener?

Are you on the Patreon, Glenn? Shout out Glenn. He's psychotic.

That is psychotic.

Hope he's feeling better. He's got Wi-Fi. He'll check it out. He was... Stop. Don't.

So she comes over. Glenn's new. He's been there for a week. I got a water bottle. Glenn just started working here. He's still training. I had a water bottle to spray him when he goes for the food, you know? Because for like two weeks, I had to eat standing in my living room.

I had to fight him in the bathroom.

I had to walk around holding the inside of Glenn's pocket. It was really awful.

What? He goes after what food? When you're eating? The food on the counter. And then when I was eating, I couldn't eat sitting down because he would lunge at the food. He's a kitten. He was three months old. So I would have to eat standing up in my living room.

It was psychotic. It was crazy.

It was so much better. But it was very funny because I have a water bottle. So when he was going for the food, I'd spray him. And he, this thing, reached into my thing of nuts. And Glenn goes to eat the thing of nuts from her hand. I spray Glenn. She grabs an orange out of my hand. I spray her. And they both scurried away to the same part of the room.

This row is not good.

It's empty. I ate it immediately.

I was praying for an upgrade. Literally, in the green room at the store. Front down with the luggage upstairs. Could everybody knock on wood that I get a Delta 1 upgrade? You were close. I was one out of like eight. Were you guys on the same flight? No, I flew out a day earlier than her. FAA rules.

I want to be more put together. Nikki Glaser went on stage last night and I had to come up after her and I felt so... I was like, different woman! This is a different woman now!

It was so hard.

Dude, she feeds the dog eggs. It eats off the floor. It farts. It smells. Oh, she farts. So does Foley.