Howard Stern
Appearances
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
In high school, I listened to it a lot. There was a guy named Beetlejuice who's very popular, even to this day on the internet. It's insanely popular. Right, right. So, you know, I said, this guy's a star. He's going to be fantastic.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
This guy's going to be a star. And sure enough, he was. No, I mean, I was always looking for interesting people.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, not self-sabotage. Well, here's the truth. In my family, words meant nothing. My mother would say actions only mean anything. And I guess I took her literally. Yeah.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I had a miserable failure in Detroit. I got hired to be the morning man at WWWW in Detroit, which are the worst call letters for a radio station. I get on there and go, WWWW Detroit W4. I don't know what I'm doing, so I... I was hired to be the morning man. I had had some success in Hartford. Not a huge success, but success. And I got hired in Detroit.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And there was a radio consultant who said to me, do not go to Detroit. There are four rock stations. And out of the four, the one that they want to hire you at, dead last. Nobody even, I would go to parties and people would say, what do you do for a living? I'd say, oh, I'm the morning guy in W4. They go, oh, is that station still on the air? Nobody listened to this thing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
W4, Detroit's W4, the worst station. So yeah, I went on the radio in Detroit. It was a tremendous failure. And I said, what am I doing wrong? And I sat with it, and I thought, I've got to really just, I guess, lose all inhibition and admit to everything and just see where that goes. And when I went to Washington, D.C.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But I have to give the credit to also Robin Quivers. I met her in Washington, and she was phenomenal.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
The chemistry was great. And a program director put us together and I went on the air with her and I started to become very confessional and people respond. We shot up to number one in a record amount of time. Because it was real and honest.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Wait a second. Talk about, I was masturbating at least three times a day and talking about it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, it hurt everything. It hurt my... But I didn't care. All I cared about was my job.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
keeping that job and getting audience and ratings. And that is a disaster for your personal life.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yes, I mean, people, not only that, I went through a very strange period in time. I don't want to get all heavy about this because everyone knows this show is not heavy. No, no. We're going to make you cry before you're out of here. Okay, well, I'll do that. What it was is that I was very insecure about my career. I wanted this thing to take off in the worst way.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And so I even had a policy about... I stayed in my home after I did my show. I never went out. I was insane. So I didn't want to meet anyone in show business because I was talking on the air about a lot of people. So I just stayed in my house. I planned the radio show, did it, and went home. And the stuff I was doing was so outrageous and so entertaining to the audience that it blew up.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I mean, in New York, we had 25 million listeners and one out of every four cars on the Long Island Expressway was listening to me. Wow. And it was pretty phenomenal. But you have no... But... I had no life. Don't applaud. I had no life. But Howard... Where's Bradley Cooper? He's so good looking. But Howard, that shifted. If I looked like that, I wouldn't have to go on the radio and say shit.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, Chevy ended up coming to my wedding, which is even more important, and got up to make a beautiful speech to myself and my bride, and then stated to the audience that I had given him herpes. Wow. Which was really weird. But I loved it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, because I think any good performer, and you guys are great performers and you know this, you must evolve. The show, you know, I used to say this. Now, Rush Limbaugh, forget the politics. You know, he had a very big following, but it was the same thing every day. You could predict what he was going to say.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Comfort to them. But for me, as a performer, I felt I want the show to be funny. I also want to be able to interview people. I want it to be broader. And I made a conscious decision. to shift the show and change it around.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And to me, it was way more exciting because the common thought was, well, Howard will go to satellite, and now the show's gonna be so fucking filthy, and everyone's gonna be out of their mind, and the strippers are gonna be able to fuck on the air.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, no, the constraints, by having the constraints off, I said, well, then it's no longer funny.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Regular radio was funny. The government was trying to shut me down. That was drama.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But then I got to satellite. The tension wasn't there. So what do you do now that you have the ultimate freedom? And I decided to shift the show. And I ultimately am more interested in the show now than I've ever been.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Let's make it simpler. It would be really creepy to be my age. and still doing a show the way I did it when I was 30.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I thought I was funny. Yeah. And I always had this idea that we could be really funny on the radio, that radio didn't have to be a bastardized medium.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I'm taking the compliment. My psychiatrist said you should be able to take a compliment. This is what I'm doing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
He's going to get to the question. I was, oddly, I was bullied for being gay and I wasn't.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Can I ask you a question? Can you wait one second? Is your mom still alive?
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Okay. My father died two years ago. I know. I'm sorry about that. I want to ask you a question.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Forget these other two guys. I'm asking you because you had a mother with a glass eye.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
What do you mean, oh? I told you, you shouldn't have an audience with this guy. By the way, the same... I open up the box.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Here comes the question. Here comes the question. Yeah. So I go to my wife. I say, I got this eye.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Nice to meet you. I've heard such great things. So anyway, here's the thing. So I turn to my wife and I say to my wife.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You know, I don't know. I go and I open it up. And my father's eye was such a taboo subject. My father never talked to me about anything.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And one time I asked my mother, does dad have a glass? And she said, listen to me. You, that's your father's story. Don't ask me. And I'm like, what the fuck? I was a kid. How old? Okay, here's the deal.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It stayed mostly open and also things wouldn't form up. You needed to confirm?
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It wasn't a confirmation of the glass. I wanted to know what happened with my father.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But I wasn't allowed to ask. My father would blow up. Everyone was afraid he'd get really angry. He'd throw that eye at you. He could.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But here's my question. So now I have the eye, and I said to my wife, I need to find that. I can't just take my father's eye and throw it in the garbage. There might be laws against that.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
So she says to me, throw it in the ocean. That's beautiful. Imagine my father's eye watching that.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
He loved the ocean. So what did you do with the eye is my question. What did you do? Well, I got it sitting in a box. Yeah, of course you do. You're not tossing it in the fucking ocean.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
That's it. This show has to be canceled. They're ridiculous. That is very offensive.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Did you famously say that? When I was a little kid, I was five years old, there was a kid on my block, five-year-old kid, came up to me and said, my parents told me your father has a glass eye. I was so freaked out. We got into a fist fight. It's probably the only fight I ever won. I beat him up. It was crazy. But I could never ask. My father wasn't approachable like that.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
That's why it was so much mystery. Did you ever get the story? Yes, I did. It was a crazy story. You don't have to share it. What happened was I was so curious about the eye and everything, about my father, because I didn't know him, I would sneak into his room and they would leave the house, which was infrequent. Nobody ever left my house. And you would, you know, so...
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
My father kept his eye with his porno. Wait, what? My father had porno, you know, like he had some erotic books and things. If you met my mother, she's not exactly putting up. My mother once said to me, you know, I prefer to be celibate, but your father has knees. I go, really? That's gross.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It was books, no movies, no tapes. It was books back then, and the books were wacky, but the eye was staring at me. I wanted to read the erotic books, so I was all freaked out about it, the eye.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I don't know what went on, but in all seriousness, I finally talked to my mother about it. She wouldn't tell me, but I broke her down, and it was a terrible accident when my father was young. He put some film in a bottle, and the bottle exploded. He lit it. and it exploded in his eye when he was a little kid. Oh, wow.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, so, and my father had a fabulous attitude about his eye in the sense that he, I didn't see any evidence that he saw himself as handicapped, you know, he did his thing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I think it was a big pain, you know, for him in his life. Seriously, a seriously big pain, you know.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I'll give you an exclusive. And this is the most boring answer ever. It was actually a bad question because I loved it. I don't have anything to bitch about.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I don't like to travel. I'm perfectly happy sitting at home. And if I want to see Italy, I'll go on the internet and look at pictures.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No. I had said, you know, my wife wanted to travel, and I wanted to be a human being. I mean, I can't be in a marriage, and if my wife wants to travel, I can't say, well, go ahead.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
So you go, and we ended up having a very romantic time, honey, right? Romantic. Romance was in the air. romance happened, and... Barely confirming that last night. Poor woman. Imagine, you know, think about it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Imagine, you know, imagine me crawling on top of you in Florence. I mean... Okay. It's like a praying mantis attacking you. So I felt for the woman. I did. But she's a good sport. She took it like a champ. Jesus Christ. I felt horrible. I felt horrible. But, honey, it wasn't so bad, right? It was over quick. You're the king of the insects. You're like, whoo. Yeah, yeah. It's like, ooh.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
What's the one you regret the most? Well, because I was an asshole many times. When I was on regular radio, terrestrial radio, whatever you want to call it, I didn't have the faith that if I did an interview that my audience would hold. We had something like a 10 share, a number one in New York.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And I thought, well, if someone comes on the air and they're talking, I could hear the radios clicking off. That the only thing that might be compelling is if, you know, I was doing my thing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Which means I was not trusting of other people that other people might have talent. So there were people, and I've written about this, The fabulous, most wonderful Robin Williams, for example, came on my show. And I just was ridiculously insulting. And why? Because I was trying to be funny. Robin Williams is way funnier than I am. Let him be funny.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But being the insecure child that I was, and somehow having some connection with an audience where I was intuitive and thinking I could hear when they're turning off the radios, if somebody gave a long answer or wasn't moving fast enough, the rhythm wasn't right, I could hear the radios clicking off. And so I really had no business having guests on.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It's a result of leaving terrestrial radio and going to satellite. It suddenly dawned on me. I work for a company now that has 100-something channels. As long as the person who's paying for a subscription is happy with the product, and if they're listening to me and I'm doing a long-form interview, and if it's not their cup of tea, they can go to a different channel on our service.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And that freed me. That liberated me. Because it wasn't about me necessarily holding the audience. The pressure. If you enjoy listening to Robin Williams, great. Then we have you as a listener. But if you don't, there's a million other choices on satellite.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yes, but you couldn't have done that. If you guys started your radio, let's say you started a career in radio back in the day. This format would not have lasted. It would not be on the radio. It doesn't hold an audience en masse. Jimmy Fallon's sitting in our audience, right? When he does an interview, he can't do an hour interview.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
He's got to sit there because he's dealing with televisions coming on and off and on and off. We're in a unique position. The period of time we're in right now has allowed us to sit here and have a real conversation, and we can play to a niche audience. And so, you know, not to get too academic about it, radio, the old format of radio is gone.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And I recognized that when I came to satellite, and I felt that was the innovation. I could sit and have a real conversation with someone like Robin Williams. And I have regrets. Interesting. Yeah. The format... help me to evolve.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I guess I just haven't delivered the goods. Jimmy, why don't you take over? This always happens.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Give her a call. Paula Chablon. I love Jimmy very much, by the way. I want to tell you. We love Jimmy. Who doesn't love Jimmy Fallon? I'll let you in on a secret. And Nancy Jovonen. Oh, Nancy's the best. Jimmy and I are going to go camping together on a beach, and it's just going to be the two of us alone. Jimmy, right? We're going to be in a, what is that called? An RV? An Airstream.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
We reach out to some people, but mostly, and this is probably to our detriment, but I don't want to have a lot of guests. We keep a limited amount. I think some of our strongest shows are when we're just sitting and doing our own thing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You know what I was like? Honestly, and I've said this to Jason. I said, look, I could Google you and find out enough stuff. I don't really need to sit and talk to you. What have you done? Stop it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
If I did a show every day where I just interviewed one guest, that would be fascinating to me. But there's also an audience in my group that likes to hear us doing, you know, bits and shtick and, like, sitting and talking, Robin and I just talking, and I recognize that. So I don't overload the show with a lot of guests. But sometimes we do reach out, like...
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You know, I wanted Joe Biden on, so we had him on. And I wanted Bruce Springsteen. I begged him to come on. I just wanted him to come on.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It was unbelievable to be sitting in a room with Bruce, and he's doing a concert, basically, and talking about how he creates songs. So, you know, we do reach out, and there are people I just love talking to.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, it never was about music. You know, it's weird. I play music and I talk over it. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's like I can't... Playing, when I got into radio, I was a disc jockey, you know, straight disc jockey. My father would say, first you must learn to be a straight disc jockey, not all that nonsense you do.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
So I went on the radio and be like, hi, this is Howard Stern, WR&W, progressive music from the woods. And this is Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. And so, you know, we would do that. And I hated it. I hated it. Even you had to segue, you had to play a record and make sure there was no dead air.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Oh, no, no. I played whatever I wanted. But it was horrible. I mean, it was a lot of pressure. You had to get the commercials lined up. It was just you in a little room in a house somewhere up in the woods. These were these shitty radio stations, $96 a week. And you played records and you announced them. And this is what I did. And I was the worst at it. I was the worst.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
There were no performers in my family. I didn't understand performance. I was not in show business. My father even said, you cannot be a millennial.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Between that and the music... When I'd walk around college, nobody seemed to pay attention to me. I think I had the worst personality. You had no confidence that you were going to be somewhat compelling at all. I would write letters to my girlfriend saying, I will be the world's greatest radio performer.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, it took me years. That's why I resent this podcast. You guys are just out here talking. I had to spend years. I had to spend years. It took me 10 years just to get conversational.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You guys are too talented. No, but in all seriousness, playing records was horrible. Were you a fan of music, though? Oh, huge fan of music. You know, music meant more to me than religion. I never got a thing out of religion, but man, when I'd hear the Beatles or the Stones or George Harrison, you know, My Sweet Lord, that stuff, that spoke to me.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
That moved me, and I was happy to launch a lot of bands. I was a program director for a while, and I didn't even understand. I didn't know anything. A guy from a record company would call me up, and he'd go, would you play our record? I'd go, sure. He goes, no, no, no, I'll play it for you. I said, you don't have to play it for me. I'll report it to Billboard. I didn't care.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I was happy to help somebody out. Did you get starstruck around musicians? I admire musicians, and I know how hard they work at it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Oh, geez. Is it a Beatle? Well, I've met Paul and Ringo, and they were great on the show.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
All right, here's one you didn't know, Sean. Sean, here's one I guarantee you you didn't know. Yeah. You know the place you go for roast beef, right? Arby's, right? Yeah. Why is it called Arby's? They got the meat or whatever they say. No. No. Think about it. Why is it Arby's? Roast beef. R-B. Roast beef.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Really glad I came on. By the way, these guys treat it like it's a TV show. I'm in a trailer. I'm waiting to come on. No. There's a warm-up act for the audience. I don't know from this. You just go on the radio.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, I'm really honored. And Will, much to your point, for many years I couldn't take a compliment, but I do appreciate you guys. I got a new one for you. Okay.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
The only thing I will say... Do you not look exactly the same for the last 30 years? I can't even see a picture, but I will tell you one thing. I do not color my hair.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And I have a gray beard. He doesn't either. You don't color your hair, right? No.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I got a belly and tits, right, honey? You've seen me with my shirt off. She's busy talking. By the way, Sam. You want to go turps off?
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, first of all, I paint. Let's get into that. I do. Well, yeah, I do. I paint. I like to paint.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I don't use a magnifying glass. No more? No, I never did. I never used a magnifying glass.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
There was something... Yeah, I have a big magnifying... But I don't use it for that. Really. I'm just telling you. But it was there.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, it was there. It was there. It was there. But yeah, I enjoy those things.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Okay. So... Short version. I'll tell you why I play guitar. I'm going to blame Jimmy Fallon. You going to jam with Jelly Roll tonight? No, no, no. Is Jimmy here tonight? Jimmy, stand up. There we go. Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon says to me... You've got to be kidding me. Here's what happened. Ten years ago, I turned 60, and I said I either want to play the guitar... Yeah.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
...or I want to learn to paint. Oh, and you did what? I never drew. I never, you know... For some reason, I wanted to paint in the worst way.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, I began to study watercolor, and I really focused on it. And you know as a pianist that you just have to focus on it. It's not that people have some sort of natural ability. It's the work.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, it's true. And by the way, that fucks my head up. Because what I said to my wife, I want to learn guitar, but I feel foolish because of my age. Like, what am I trying to do here? I don't want to be a rock star. I just want to understand music.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Because I love musicians, and I love what they do, and I want to understand that language. Let's do a duet sometime, piano and guitar. Do you play minuet and G? I do. All right, then we can do it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, no, no. It hurts the fingers, though, doesn't it? Well, look at the tips of my fingers. Look at those calluses. Oh, my God.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
How much are you playing a day? Well, I'm on vacation now, so I can play. From guitar? No, from work. I'm on vacation from work, so I can play some days five, six hours. Really? So you must be good now. I'm not good.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Well, I mean, you got to say Hendrix. You got to say Jimmy Page. I mean, Jimmy Page. Now I have even more appreciation for Jimmy Page.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I was playing one of the most beautiful love songs, Thank You, by Zeppelin, and the intro to that. And you sit and you realize this guy wrote this. Yes. Excellent. Excellent. Thanks, guys. Was that you singing or playing the guitar? Keep that applause up. But you realize how brilliant it is. And in order to get to that level, you've got to play every day for hours and hours.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And I'm mad at myself because when I was younger, I didn't allow myself to practice music, which Sean did. He was smart about it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, I announced to my family, I will be on the radio, which was ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense. I don't understand it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, but listen, my father didn't spend a lot of time paying attention to me or interacting with me. And I used to sit... Mine did. Well, I would watch him. He was focused on you. No, but he would... When I would see him commuting to work, and he'd put the radio on, and Bob Grant was on, who was this conservative broadcaster, but the guy was mesmerizing on the radio.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And I saw the way my father listened and shushed me, told me to shut the fuck up so he could hear Bob Grant. Shut up! I said, so that's how you get someone's attention.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, I think my mother put him on, you know, he just went, he just said, oh, okay, I love you. My father grew up in the Depression. He had nothing. When I say nothing, it was literally like no shoes. His father worked in a sweatshop as a pants presser. My father was a very deprived guy, and he didn't have a lot of room for emotion.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I think he probably had a lot of bottled-up emotion, but he couldn't express it, and he didn't know how. He didn't have the facility. But I would have loved to have known my father.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Beth wouldn't be with an idiot. I didn't say I was an idiot. I said I'm fucked up. Honey, come up here and tell people I'm fucked up. Please come up. She says I'm a lot. Honey, please. You don't want to come up?
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But what I said was, you know, it was unfair. You used to go around saying, oh, well, that's an act on the radio. It was. It was who I was.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, but my attitude about radio, and I say this over and over again, was... I just want to make people laugh. I want people to have a great time in their car. If it's a compelling interview, great. But if I'm sitting there and I'm being really funny and I'm doing something good, Well, you know, that's what I'm trying to do. So I never did anything out of malice.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I did it because I thought I was genuinely funny. Was I genuinely funny? Sometimes, sometimes not. You were speaking the truth.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And is there anything? I'll tell you why. And you guys probably know this from, from doing this now and having a popular show. You know, if you go on a radio and you say, listen, I could potentially, I have this thing and they're telling me it could be cancer, a 95% chance. You start to get letters from every know-it-all in the audience. Listen, my mother died. You're fucked.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You're this, you're that. And I'm neurotic. I am neurotic about my health. I don't want to know. Where's Bradley Cooper? I just want to look at him. Come on. Come on, Bradley.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Look at that. Son of a bitch. So good looking. He's gorgeous. I love Bradley Cooper. I don't mind saying it.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
There are people. Sean doesn't love him. He told me about him earlier. Bradley, I love you.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
We'd love to hear a Bradley story, if it's positive. One of the greatest moments for me on the show, because you asked about people I interviewed. I was interviewing Bradley, and at the time, Bradley had just finished a run on Broadway.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Brilliant, brilliant job. Absolutely brilliant. And I am a fan of The Elephant Man. And Bradley's so serious about The Elephant Man. He has a serious Elephant Man hang-up. He goes, you know, I just want you to know I don't joke about the Elephant Man. I said, I'm not going to joke, but I would like to do the Elephant Man for you. And I would love if you would come back as your Elephant Man.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And Bradley looked at me and I said, he's either going to walk out and he goes, And we had a moment where we were both the Elephant Man immersed in our character. And it was one of the single biggest highlights. Radio magic.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I got to act with Bradley Cooper. Very few people, you know. This guy's one of our best actors. He is. Rarified. Without a doubt. One of the greatest filmmakers we've got. Maestro is incredible. That's right. And when he saw... He was so inspired. Tell him, Bradley, how good I was. He loved it. Never saw such acting. I've had no training, by the way, as an actor. What? That's right. That's right.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, because I was going to say, you want to know something about private parts? Here's the funny thing. What a movie, by the way. Thank you.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But I've got to tell you a funny story about it because this leads into it. It's insane. So, you know... Closer to the mic, please. So, I wrote the book. I wrote the book, and I had no clue when they said they wanted to make a movie out of it. How am I going to make a movie out of this thing? Betty Thomas? Before Betty, I was involved in writing some of the scripts.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
We had other writers and this and that. There were 25 full drafts of this thing, and each one was worse than the next. And my agent at the time, who just passed away, Don Buckle, but he said to me, these scripts are so bad, you'll be laughed at. So the movie studio said, listen, Reicher Entertainment put up the money, and Paramount was the distributor. And so they said, listen, this is crazy.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
The money that we're spending on these writers and you're not accepting any of these scripts, we're going to hire Jeff Goldblum to play you since you won't do that. No way. Is that true? Great Jeff Goldblum, by the way. I looked him in the eye and I said, you know what? I would pay to see that. I would love to see Jeff Goldblum as Howard Stern. I think it would be terrific. But anyway.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
No, but they were so frustrated with me because I had written into the contract. And again, this was my agent's brilliance. They couldn't make the movie unless I had full script approval. And I wrote half the scripts and they sucked.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Speaking of that. And then we got to go. Oh, you got to go? No, after that. No, you got to go.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
You people are really tough about that. I have a hard out. Yeah. No, I do? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm very busy. I have to go home and paint and play the guitar. I'm busy. No, I sit at home and stare at the wall, and Beth looks at me. She's not allowed to leave the house.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I cannot wait. Do you watch Traitors? Do you watch Traitors? No. I'm Bachelor Nation all the way. Anybody else with me? Look, Jimmy Fallon's with me. Bradley? Sure. Well, these people have a life.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Great rehearsal. What are you recording? Tell me. This is a rehearsal. Is the show actually over? Do I leave and then you keep talking? You're going to leave and we're going to do a little wrap up. We're going to talk about you a little bit. A wrap up?
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
We're going to talk about how great you are once you leave. Maybe I should listen in. I'll sit here. I won't stay at work. Go ahead. Let me hear what you guys do. And I'll tell you what I'll do. Every once in a while, I'll interrupt and I'll just go, that's not good radio. Or that's really good radio.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Fantastic. By the way, the guy who did the warm-up today, they had a warm-up. O's. Yeah, O's. I wanted him to win the entire season. He did not win that season. He should have. He's fabulous.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Thank you for having me. Thank you. I'm very excited that you're part of the SiriusXM family.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I wish you a lot of success. Thank you. Not too much success, but a lot of success. Sure. And no, seriously, it's great to have you guys in the family. Thank you for blessing us into it and by doing this. I understand the Sirius stock is going to go over $2.90 now that you guys are here. God bless. I can't wait. Oh, that stock. I'm going to be so wealthy.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Oh, man. You know, all my years in radio, nothing works better on radio than magic. Yeah, sure. You guys are on to something. It's a great note. I told you, Arnett, not a good idea. I don't want to come off like an expert. I've only been doing this for like 50 years.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I know, and I remember having Amazing Kreskin on, and the audience was amazed as I described everything that was going on in the room. The play-by-play was unbelievable. Yeah, he made a table lift, and I go, if you were here now, you'd see a table lifting off the ground. And people are like, no wonder this is such a great radio show.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
First of all, welcome to SiriusXM, the glorious world of SiriusXM. I'm a huge fan of the company, so welcome. You know, I don't even know how long I've been with SiriusXM.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
When I started, we had 200,000 subscribers. And I remember walking around in, I don't even know where I was, somewhere in Manhattan, handing out radios for free. hoping that someone would take one. And it was a harrowing experience leaving terrestrial radio and coming to Sirius, but it was the best decision I ever made.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Yeah, it was a very strange time in my career. I was on regular radio, and I somehow convinced them that it would be okay if I talked about the fact that I was leaving regular radio and going to satellite radio. And then they told me, okay. They said, don't mention Sirius Radio. Just call it something else.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It was like, oh. You do forget because things move rather rapidly. But it was a very strange time because there was an effort by regular radio to say what a failure I would be. And they were putting out that anyone who went to satellite radio, your career would be over, you would disappear forever. So there was this big campaign to discredit satellite radio.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
But I knew deep in my heart that satellite radio would be successful. And now I look around, everybody's got a fucking microphone in their house. Everybody's on the radio. You three. I know, it's ridiculous. You want to hear the most aggravating things. But Howard, I do love you guys. A couple things. Jason and I, the only person I didn't know was Sean. Right, it's nice to meet you.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Nice to meet you, and I do want to ask you about your classical piano. All right, and I want to ask you about your guitar playing. Yes, I'm most impressed with your classical piano. Well, you guys will get some time after the interview. No, but here's the thing I want to tell you that annoyed me. Can I tell you this? Yeah, yeah. So Jason was over my house, and I have mad respect for Jason.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
I think he's a fabulous actor. Incredible. One of the best. Wonderful guy. He's overcome a million. He's had a great time for you to call me Justin.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And he still has a bunch. Yeah, he's got a lot of problems. Look at him. We could go on all day. But, you know, I'm talking to Jason, and I'm feeling very good about my own career and everything, and Jason goes, you know, man, it's crazy. We like started this thing out of our basement, like a radio show. And I'm like, oh, here we go. Yeah, cool. And he goes, yeah, we started a thing.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And like, it was just the three of us sitting around and we talk and we just crack each other up and everything. I don't know what's going to happen with it, man. But they're telling me it's like the biggest thing ever. Oh shit, I didn't say that. Oh yeah. No way. Oh yeah, you did. So I go, oh, this is great. Again, I spent my life like begging people to put me on the radio.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
It was rarefied air if you even were allowed on there. You had to work on your voice, this and that. You had to work on the content.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
Listen, when I was on the radio and it was brutal. In order to get an audience and to maintain an audience, every 15 minutes they take the ratings in radio. It isn't like this, like where you go, you know what, we have a lot of people listening. You know, it could be three people listening to this. Nobody knows, nobody cares. But you're on the radio and every 15 minutes they take ratings.
SmartLess
"Howard Stern"
And what are you going to do to hold people's attention? But you found all these people like this, like kind of... But look, I found people that I was interested in. I'll never forget the day. I was on the radio and I took a little bathroom break and I walked by my green room. The lights went up. I'm looking at the room and there he is. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Jason, you ever hear my show?