Hasan Minhaj

I'm Hasan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky.

I'm Hasan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Hasan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky.

I'm Hasan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

Just for visitation. And he wants them back. And then there's Pierce Brosnan. Little bitch-ass. He just appears browsing at the pool. Fuck him. Oh, that scene kills. Fuck him. Dude, when he does the diving board. I actually think there's two camps.

Just for visitation. And he wants them back. And then there's Pierce Brosnan. Little bitch-ass. He just appears browsing at the pool. Fuck him. Oh, that scene kills. Fuck him. Dude, when he does the diving board. I actually think there's two camps.

I don't think I would have a conversation or spend any time with someone that thinks Robin Williams is a villain in that movie. Really?

I don't think I would have a conversation or spend any time with someone that thinks Robin Williams is a villain in that movie. Really?

The assumption that all tall people are good at basketball, does that bother you? Because you're like, I'm not that good, I'm just tall.

The assumption that all tall people are good at basketball, does that bother you? Because you're like, I'm not that good, I'm just tall.

That would be a good show.

That would be a good show.

You just show up and... Let's produce it. Let's do it. We just did a business deal. We just did a business deal. It's on... Everyone watching, we're producing a show called Hoops. If any investors, executive producers... It's a wild assortment of people. Ridley Scott, if you're interested. I think it could be cool with explosions. Yeah.

You just show up and... Let's produce it. Let's do it. We just did a business deal. We just did a business deal. It's on... Everyone watching, we're producing a show called Hoops. If any investors, executive producers... It's a wild assortment of people. Ridley Scott, if you're interested. I think it could be cool with explosions. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fire. That's sick. Man, I don't know anything about basketball. Oh, you don't know anything about basketball. No, I mean, I know how to, like, put the ball in the hoop. Got it.

Yeah, that's fire. That's sick. Man, I don't know anything about basketball. Oh, you don't know anything about basketball. No, I mean, I know how to, like, put the ball in the hoop. Got it.

Oh, I think I can imagine. Oh, no. The guy with the arm sleeve is whack. Arm sleeve's cool. Arm sleeve's cool. I disagree. Strongly disagree.

Oh, I think I can imagine. Oh, no. The guy with the arm sleeve is whack. Arm sleeve's cool. Arm sleeve's cool. I disagree. Strongly disagree.

So I have a funny story from a long time ago. I sent you a script of mine. Okay. Oh, yeah, we got to talk about this. And I told you a story. What you did is actually fucked up. And your response was, I don't mess with that. Yeah. You literally, I have an email, you said, I'm sorry, I don't mess with that. Yeah. It was a very kind email. I had sent you an email about gins. Yes.

So I have a funny story from a long time ago. I sent you a script of mine. Okay. Oh, yeah, we got to talk about this. And I told you a story. What you did is actually fucked up. And your response was, I don't mess with that. Yeah. You literally, I have an email, you said, I'm sorry, I don't mess with that. Yeah. It was a very kind email. I had sent you an email about gins. Yes.

And I had a story where I was sexually assaulted by one. Yeah. It violently jerked me off. Yeah. I didn't come, but it violently jerked me off. Yeah. And you wanted me to executive produce this? Kareem, you're nuts, bro. But the problem is, I summoned it. What? Oh, I didn't tell you that part.

And I had a story where I was sexually assaulted by one. Yeah. It violently jerked me off. Yeah. I didn't come, but it violently jerked me off. Yeah. And you wanted me to executive produce this? Kareem, you're nuts, bro. But the problem is, I summoned it. What? Oh, I didn't tell you that part.

Yeah, I summoned that. Yeah, you lost me at the first part.

Yeah, I summoned that. Yeah, you lost me at the first part.

uh they're bad hombres they're not great they're not bad hombres only the ones that attempt to make contact they could be no no the ones in the gin world that are living their lives with their kids and families yes those are good they're just like humans naturally good the ones that decide to essentially say like oh a human is summoning i'll come over yeah those are the mischievous little yeah because they're not supposed to do that yeah so i'm not just like i'm not supposed to do that so i know we're doing bits and we're making videos for the internet literally as you're like i summoned one

uh they're bad hombres they're not great they're not bad hombres only the ones that attempt to make contact they could be no no the ones in the gin world that are living their lives with their kids and families yes those are good they're just like humans naturally good the ones that decide to essentially say like oh a human is summoning i'll come over yeah those are the mischievous little yeah because they're not supposed to do that yeah so i'm not just like i'm not supposed to do that so i know we're doing bits and we're making videos for the internet literally as you're like i summoned one

Don't even answer. I don't even want to know.

Don't even answer. I don't even want to know.

This is what I'm talking about. You just go on Reddit and you say, how does someone do it? There's ten steps. Don't even. I don't even want to get started. My grandmother, when I told her. I don't. My grandmother was crying. We don't got to go there. My mom was crying. Yeah, bro. It's a serious thing. And they go, why do you want to do it? I said, how old were you when this happened? Yeah. 28.

This is what I'm talking about. You just go on Reddit and you say, how does someone do it? There's ten steps. Don't even. I don't even want to get started. My grandmother, when I told her. I don't. My grandmother was crying. We don't got to go there. My mom was crying. Yeah, bro. It's a serious thing. And they go, why do you want to do it? I said, how old were you when this happened? Yeah. 28.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

You know when you're a kid and someone's like, don't do this? Yeah. In Islam, they're like, don't do this? Yeah, it's haram or whatever. Yeah, sure. And I was like, why not? Why doesn't anyone want to talk? I got mad because no one wanted to talk to me about it. Like, I kept wanting to talk. I was obsessed. I was actually obsessed. What?

You know when you're a kid and someone's like, don't do this? Yeah. In Islam, they're like, don't do this? Yeah, it's haram or whatever. Yeah, sure. And I was like, why not? Why doesn't anyone want to talk? I got mad because no one wanted to talk to me about it. Like, I kept wanting to talk. I was obsessed. I was actually obsessed. What?

No, that was against my will. That's what I ended up. Because it was just in my house. Bro, this is taking a weird turn. No, it was in my house and it was fine. So this started off as a story about... Friendship.

No, that was against my will. That's what I ended up. Because it was just in my house. Bro, this is taking a weird turn. No, it was in my house and it was fine. So this started off as a story about... Friendship.

In the spirit realm. Yeah.

In the spirit realm. Yeah.

Yes. I did not give consent. And it had this huge, so like one night I was sleeping. Uh-huh. And I woke up. Uh-huh. And then all of a sudden there was a massive, a mass on me. A weight, right? Yeah, a weight. And a huge hand. Bro, bro, stop, stop. I don't even want to hear. I don't even want to hear. Violently jerked me off. and put its long tongue in my ear.

Yes. I did not give consent. And it had this huge, so like one night I was sleeping. Uh-huh. And I woke up. Uh-huh. And then all of a sudden there was a massive, a mass on me. A weight, right? Yeah, a weight. And a huge hand. Bro, bro, stop, stop. I don't even want to hear. I don't even want to hear. Violently jerked me off. and put its long tongue in my ear.

The tongue was this long, and it was going like this. And I was like... Rami, you applied for this job. You applied for this job. Listen, I know there'll be changes involved. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm... Yeah. But you're pro standing on business.

The tongue was this long, and it was going like this. And I was like... Rami, you applied for this job. You applied for this job. Listen, I know there'll be changes involved. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm... Yeah. But you're pro standing on business.

What's next for Hasan Minhaj? Off With His Head streaming now on Netflix. I said Hasan.

What's next for Hasan Minhaj? Off With His Head streaming now on Netflix. I said Hasan.

I know that's what they say about the peasants. You know, in battle, you kind of are like, Off With His Head.

I know that's what they say about the peasants. You know, in battle, you kind of are like, Off With His Head.

Look at that. I didn't even know.

Look at that. I didn't even know.

I mean, I knew that those were out, but I didn't put two and two together. Now it's out. So this is the end of a trilogy. This is the end. You made, not the end. It's not the end. It's the end of a trilogy. Yeah.

I mean, I knew that those were out, but I didn't put two and two together. Now it's out. So this is the end of a trilogy. This is the end. You made, not the end. It's not the end. It's the end of a trilogy. Yeah.

I mean, that's vibes, though.

I mean, that's vibes, though.

I went to a screening of Francis Ford Coppola's new film, Megalopolis. And he did a live Q&A and he claims, which I don't know if it's true or not, that he invented... numbers in movies. He said that he's the first ever American filmmaker to do Godfather Part 2. This is a wild take.

I went to a screening of Francis Ford Coppola's new film, Megalopolis. And he did a live Q&A and he claims, which I don't know if it's true or not, that he invented... numbers in movies. He said that he's the first ever American filmmaker to do Godfather Part 2. This is a wild take.

The Chinese, the Indians, the Egyptians, for sure. Math is ours. The Egyptians invented math. Bro,

The Chinese, the Indians, the Egyptians, for sure. Math is ours. The Egyptians invented math. Bro,

Your safety is important to us. Please stand away from the platform edge. I want to ask you some takes on takes. Okay. Okay, here's some takes. What's the takes on takes? Takes on takes. My takes on takes. I think that all ride share apps should have a smell rating. Mutual, two-way smell rating. You can rate the driver, they can rate you.

Your safety is important to us. Please stand away from the platform edge. I want to ask you some takes on takes. Okay. Okay, here's some takes. What's the takes on takes? Takes on takes. My takes on takes. I think that all ride share apps should have a smell rating. Mutual, two-way smell rating. You can rate the driver, they can rate you.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza.

Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza.

No way.

No way.

They're not. They raised the prices.

They're not. They raised the prices.

Yeah, that's essentially a dollar, bro. That's a dollar. No, no. Who has a quarter? When's the last time you saw a quarter? Today? No, that's not true.

Yeah, that's essentially a dollar, bro. That's a dollar. No, no. Who has a quarter? When's the last time you saw a quarter? Today? No, that's not true.

I'm not looking.

I'm not looking.

And lie on your bed. Why would you? I would never wear the jacket on the bed, but I would wear this blue thing. When I go home, I'm going to take this jacket off and I'm going to lay on my bed and look at my phone.

And lie on your bed. Why would you? I would never wear the jacket on the bed, but I would wear this blue thing. When I go home, I'm going to take this jacket off and I'm going to lay on my bed and look at my phone.

I'm wearing undershirt.

I'm wearing undershirt.

Yeah. Don't show her gets me every time. Yeah. She doesn't give a fuck about this card.

Yeah. Don't show her gets me every time. Yeah. She doesn't give a fuck about this card.

The hypocrisy is insane. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. How about this one? Therapy enables bad behavior. Therapy enables bad behavior? Because what it does is you're like, oh, I want to run away. And the therapist is like, you should. You should.

The hypocrisy is insane. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. How about this one? Therapy enables bad behavior. Therapy enables bad behavior? Because what it does is you're like, oh, I want to run away. And the therapist is like, you should. You should.

I'm not getting into this. Egyptians are white. I'm not getting into this. They're Caucasians. Don't pull me into this. Do not pull me into this. On the census, I'm white. Really? Well, they just updated the box after like 50 years. Yeah, you're other. No, we're not fucking other. You're Middle Eastern, right? Yeah, it's a new box. Gotcha. Did you guys have a box?

I'm not getting into this. Egyptians are white. I'm not getting into this. They're Caucasians. Don't pull me into this. Do not pull me into this. On the census, I'm white. Really? Well, they just updated the box after like 50 years. Yeah, you're other. No, we're not fucking other. You're Middle Eastern, right? Yeah, it's a new box. Gotcha. Did you guys have a box?

I think in general, the culture around birthdays should end at about 16.

I think in general, the culture around birthdays should end at about 16.

Actually, we need to go to 21. No, no, no, fuck that. 0 to 15, you get your quinceanera.

Actually, we need to go to 21. No, no, no, fuck that. 0 to 15, you get your quinceanera.

Or alternatively, you celebrate the person who gave birth. Oh, but that's Mother's Day. No, but two Mother's Days. You have Mother's Day and you have Father's Day. Yes. The birthday is to celebrate both parents. Oh, shit. This is like Parents' Day. Birthday is Parents' Day. I actually think your birthday should just be doubles Mother's Day.

Or alternatively, you celebrate the person who gave birth. Oh, but that's Mother's Day. No, but two Mother's Days. You have Mother's Day and you have Father's Day. Yes. The birthday is to celebrate both parents. Oh, shit. This is like Parents' Day. Birthday is Parents' Day. I actually think your birthday should just be doubles Mother's Day.

Yeah, well, two mothers.

Yeah, well, two mothers.

A lot of Americans in this country have a very important question for Hasan Minhaj. What's that? What's the hair routine? Oh, what's the hair routine? What's the hair routine? What are we doing? In the morning, what are we doing? Are we doing cold water? Are we doing hot water? Are we combing? Are we brushing? Is there any product in there? Is it that silky all the time?

A lot of Americans in this country have a very important question for Hasan Minhaj. What's that? What's the hair routine? Oh, what's the hair routine? What's the hair routine? What are we doing? In the morning, what are we doing? Are we doing cold water? Are we doing hot water? Are we combing? Are we brushing? Is there any product in there? Is it that silky all the time?

Do you just wake up and it's like that? The American people want to know. But you're a hair icon as well. But I don't do anything.

Do you just wake up and it's like that? The American people want to know. But you're a hair icon as well. But I don't do anything.

The American people want to know about your hair.

The American people want to know about your hair.

Okay.

Okay.

No. Okay, keep going. We want to know the full routine. So you don't shampoo it. You don't shampoo it. You condition it how often?

No. Okay, keep going. We want to know the full routine. So you don't shampoo it. You don't shampoo it. You condition it how often?

What restaurants are you going to where all of that madness and sadness is happening? Dude, dude. Have you ever been to Dallas BBQ? Yes. You like when they sing happy birthday to you? See, that is what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't you like attention? This is nuts.

What restaurants are you going to where all of that madness and sadness is happening? Dude, dude. Have you ever been to Dallas BBQ? Yes. You like when they sing happy birthday to you? See, that is what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't you like attention? This is nuts.

You have to stay in the house. Stay in the house. Why do you have to stay in the house?

You have to stay in the house. Stay in the house. Why do you have to stay in the house?

Oh, I was doing a morning shower. No, I'm not.

Oh, I was doing a morning shower. No, I'm not.

This is really good advice for all Americans. Yeah. Because they got you buying too much product. No, there's a huge... Johnson & Johnson is lying to you.

This is really good advice for all Americans. Yeah. Because they got you buying too much product. No, there's a huge... Johnson & Johnson is lying to you.

Each other? Like, what are you talking about? Kids need a pet.

Each other? Like, what are you talking about? Kids need a pet.

No, no, kids need a living pet to take care of and learn how to become adults. I think you should get a cat.

No, no, kids need a living pet to take care of and learn how to become adults. I think you should get a cat.

We had a lot of animals, but I used to want to be a veterinarian. Okay. Was that interesting? Wait, who confirmed this? Pops? Like, your dad was like, we're going to... My dad was like, you could be a veterinarian. Because that's like a doctor.

We had a lot of animals, but I used to want to be a veterinarian. Okay. Was that interesting? Wait, who confirmed this? Pops? Like, your dad was like, we're going to... My dad was like, you could be a veterinarian. Because that's like a doctor.

Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't, no, no, he wasn't pro-animal. Don't get me wrong. It was always a battle. I wanted a newt. Do you know what a newt is? It's like a salamander. I wanted a salamander, but he let me get the newt.

Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't, no, no, he wasn't pro-animal. Don't get me wrong. It was always a battle. I wanted a newt. Do you know what a newt is? It's like a salamander. I wanted a salamander, but he let me get the newt.

I got a newt. N-E-W-T. It's like a salamander. Died immediately.

I got a newt. N-E-W-T. It's like a salamander. Died immediately.

Yeah, they were like, this guy wants to be a doctor.

Yeah, they were like, this guy wants to be a doctor.

It's a doctor, dude. I didn't have to convince them that much. I said, I want to be a doctor. And then my dad, being an immigrant, he was like, you'll have your own clinic. Like, he went straight to, like, you own a hospital. I own a hospital. And he also knew, he's like, Americans, they love their animals. Like, yeah, you can operate on snakes and lizards and cats. Oh, got it.

It's a doctor, dude. I didn't have to convince them that much. I said, I want to be a doctor. And then my dad, being an immigrant, he was like, you'll have your own clinic. Like, he went straight to, like, you own a hospital. I own a hospital. And he also knew, he's like, Americans, they love their animals. Like, yeah, you can operate on snakes and lizards and cats. Oh, got it.

He was like, we're going to be rich. He was like, we're going to be rich. I've done my job in the American dream. My son's going to be a doctor, parentheses, for animals.

He was like, we're going to be rich. He was like, we're going to be rich. I've done my job in the American dream. My son's going to be a doctor, parentheses, for animals.

than humans in this country yeah there's a real money train here yeah yeah we need to support kareem yeah and now they have insurance i was getting i would get insurance payouts i wouldn't even have to tax people do you have a do you have a dog right now i have two cats i would never get a dog i have hairless cats what i just i don't like touching hair i have an aversion to hair a hair aversion bro a hairless that's so disturbing too

than humans in this country yeah there's a real money train here yeah yeah we need to support kareem yeah and now they have insurance i was getting i would get insurance payouts i wouldn't even have to tax people do you have a do you have a dog right now i have two cats i would never get a dog i have hairless cats what i just i don't like touching hair i have an aversion to hair a hair aversion bro a hairless that's so disturbing too

And they actually sleep in my bed. Yeah, that's insane. They wear sweaters every day. And they sleep in my bed.

And they actually sleep in my bed. Yeah, that's insane. They wear sweaters every day. And they sleep in my bed.

No, they're enamored. Because they've never seen something of such beauty and grace. Beauty and grace? Yeah, dude.

No, they're enamored. Because they've never seen something of such beauty and grace. Beauty and grace? Yeah, dude.

I'm punk. Yeah, you're out of pocket. I'm super fucking punk. You know Mr. Bigglesworth? Yeah. Dr. Evil's cat. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what I have. That was your inspiration? I have two of them. That's wild. And you know what their names are? What are the names? Kremlin and Mustafa. You gave one like a Muslim name?

I'm punk. Yeah, you're out of pocket. I'm super fucking punk. You know Mr. Bigglesworth? Yeah. Dr. Evil's cat. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what I have. That was your inspiration? I have two of them. That's wild. And you know what their names are? What are the names? Kremlin and Mustafa. You gave one like a Muslim name?

Cats are allowed. When I told my mom that I was going to name my cat Mustafa, she said, but that's your brother's name.

Cats are allowed. When I told my mom that I was going to name my cat Mustafa, she said, but that's your brother's name.

And I said, I'm naming him after my brother. She said, you can't name a cat after your brother.

And I said, I'm naming him after my brother. She said, you can't name a cat after your brother.

Well, she was like, he's going to be really mad. Yes. So I called my brother and I said, do you mind? Yeah, and you're like, Mustafa, how do you feel about this? And he was like, fuck yeah, bro. This is so sick, dude. He was like, bro, thank you so much. And now when he comes over, he's like obsessed with the cat that's named after him.

Well, she was like, he's going to be really mad. Yes. So I called my brother and I said, do you mind? Yeah, and you're like, Mustafa, how do you feel about this? And he was like, fuck yeah, bro. This is so sick, dude. He was like, bro, thank you so much. And now when he comes over, he's like obsessed with the cat that's named after him.

That's fucking crazy. You make adults change your tires? No, no, no. And change your oil? That's different. And clean your teeth? That's so different.

That's fucking crazy. You make adults change your tires? No, no, no. And change your oil? That's different. And clean your teeth? That's so different.

I didn't have kids at the time. Yeah. I didn't have kids at the time. Bro, you're wild.

I didn't have kids at the time. Yeah. I didn't have kids at the time. Bro, you're wild.

You're not? I'm really not. You're bad at it?

You're not? I'm really not. You're bad at it?

So you let them rock? I let them rock, yeah. How long are they around?

So you let them rock? I let them rock, yeah. How long are they around?

Would you show them on camera? I'm not going to show them on camera.

Would you show them on camera? I'm not going to show them on camera.

Oh, God, don't do it. Don't. Okay, do it. Yeah, I'm not going to do it.

Oh, God, don't do it. Don't. Okay, do it. Yeah, I'm not going to do it.

What about in other countries where it's worth less, but you have, like, in Egypt, I have to carry around 40,000 pounds. Right.

What about in other countries where it's worth less, but you have, like, in Egypt, I have to carry around 40,000 pounds. Right.

to go to dinner and get a coffee and so i have a wad of cash and i don't like run credit cards that much yeah so i'm just carrying a fat wad i do feel rich there got it i like i like have it next i take photos inflation makes you oh you do the money i take rap photos when i'm in other countries that's the only place i can do the rap photos yeah yeah the money calling yeah i stand on money what's this

to go to dinner and get a coffee and so i have a wad of cash and i don't like run credit cards that much yeah so i'm just carrying a fat wad i do feel rich there got it i like i like have it next i take photos inflation makes you oh you do the money i take rap photos when i'm in other countries that's the only place i can do the rap photos yeah yeah the money calling yeah i stand on money what's this

What does this mean? You go like this. You hold the whole stack. Oh, that's fire. Have you ever heard the phrase, I stand on business, ten toes down? Yes, I love that phrase.

What does this mean? You go like this. You hold the whole stack. Oh, that's fire. Have you ever heard the phrase, I stand on business, ten toes down? Yes, I love that phrase.

I stand on that. Okay, so let's talk about Islam for a second because I think it's really fun. Why not? I think it's awesome. I think it's great. So I tell people that why wouldn't you want the latest iOS update? Yes. Islam's the newest Abrahamic religion.

I stand on that. Okay, so let's talk about Islam for a second because I think it's really fun. Why not? I think it's awesome. I think it's great. So I tell people that why wouldn't you want the latest iOS update? Yes. Islam's the newest Abrahamic religion.

Watch my childhood.

Watch my childhood.

Sit on the floor. Answer questions. I don't answer questions. My kid doesn't talk. Oh, yeah, you have a kid. You have two kids.

Sit on the floor. Answer questions. I don't answer questions. My kid doesn't talk. Oh, yeah, you have a kid. You have two kids.

They're both older than mine. Yes. Do you have any advice for a new dad? You seem like a great father.

They're both older than mine. Yes. Do you have any advice for a new dad? You seem like a great father.

This is madness. This is madness. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry, dude. No, no, no, no, no. The popular opinion stands with Kareem Rama.

This is madness. This is madness. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry, dude. No, no, no, no, no. The popular opinion stands with Kareem Rama.

Yeah, he's so sick. He's so sick. And then Sally Fields comes in and she's like, I want a divorce. It's such a sad movie. People think it's a comedy, but I think it's a really dark... His kids are stolen from him. And he has to pretty much cross-dress. Is that a PC term still? Can we say cross-dress?

Yeah, he's so sick. He's so sick. And then Sally Fields comes in and she's like, I want a divorce. It's such a sad movie. People think it's a comedy, but I think it's a really dark... His kids are stolen from him. And he has to pretty much cross-dress. Is that a PC term still? Can we say cross-dress?

Just for visitation. And he wants them back. And then there's Pierce Brosnan. Little bitch-ass. He just appears browsing at the pool. Fuck him. Oh, that scene kills. Fuck him. Dude, when he does the diving board. I actually think there's two camps.

I don't think I would have a conversation or spend any time with someone that thinks Robin Williams is a villain in that movie. Really?

The assumption that all tall people are good at basketball, does that bother you? Because you're like, I'm not that good, I'm just tall.

That would be a good show.

You just show up and... Let's produce it. Let's do it. We just did a business deal. We just did a business deal. It's on... Everyone watching, we're producing a show called Hoops. If any investors, executive producers... It's a wild assortment of people. Ridley Scott, if you're interested. I think it could be cool with explosions. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fire. That's sick. Man, I don't know anything about basketball. Oh, you don't know anything about basketball. No, I mean, I know how to, like, put the ball in the hoop. Got it.

Oh, I think I can imagine. Oh, no. The guy with the arm sleeve is whack. Arm sleeve's cool. Arm sleeve's cool. I disagree. Strongly disagree.

So I have a funny story from a long time ago. I sent you a script of mine. Okay. Oh, yeah, we got to talk about this. And I told you a story. What you did is actually fucked up. And your response was, I don't mess with that. Yeah. You literally, I have an email, you said, I'm sorry, I don't mess with that. Yeah. It was a very kind email. I had sent you an email about gins. Yes.

And I had a story where I was sexually assaulted by one. Yeah. It violently jerked me off. Yeah. I didn't come, but it violently jerked me off. Yeah. And you wanted me to executive produce this? Kareem, you're nuts, bro. But the problem is, I summoned it. What? Oh, I didn't tell you that part.

Yeah, I summoned that. Yeah, you lost me at the first part.

uh they're bad hombres they're not great they're not bad hombres only the ones that attempt to make contact they could be no no the ones in the gin world that are living their lives with their kids and families yes those are good they're just like humans naturally good the ones that decide to essentially say like oh a human is summoning i'll come over yeah those are the mischievous little yeah because they're not supposed to do that yeah so i'm not just like i'm not supposed to do that so i know we're doing bits and we're making videos for the internet literally as you're like i summoned one

Don't even answer. I don't even want to know.

This is what I'm talking about. You just go on Reddit and you say, how does someone do it? There's ten steps. Don't even. I don't even want to get started. My grandmother, when I told her. I don't. My grandmother was crying. We don't got to go there. My mom was crying. Yeah, bro. It's a serious thing. And they go, why do you want to do it? I said, how old were you when this happened? Yeah. 28.

That's crazy.

You know when you're a kid and someone's like, don't do this? Yeah. In Islam, they're like, don't do this? Yeah, it's haram or whatever. Yeah, sure. And I was like, why not? Why doesn't anyone want to talk? I got mad because no one wanted to talk to me about it. Like, I kept wanting to talk. I was obsessed. I was actually obsessed. What?

No, that was against my will. That's what I ended up. Because it was just in my house. Bro, this is taking a weird turn. No, it was in my house and it was fine. So this started off as a story about... Friendship.

In the spirit realm. Yeah.

Yes. I did not give consent. And it had this huge, so like one night I was sleeping. Uh-huh. And I woke up. Uh-huh. And then all of a sudden there was a massive, a mass on me. A weight, right? Yeah, a weight. And a huge hand. Bro, bro, stop, stop. I don't even want to hear. I don't even want to hear. Violently jerked me off. and put its long tongue in my ear.

The tongue was this long, and it was going like this. And I was like... Rami, you applied for this job. You applied for this job. Listen, I know there'll be changes involved. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm... Yeah. But you're pro standing on business.

What's next for Hasan Minhaj? Off With His Head streaming now on Netflix. I said Hasan.

I know that's what they say about the peasants. You know, in battle, you kind of are like, Off With His Head.

Look at that. I didn't even know.

I mean, I knew that those were out, but I didn't put two and two together. Now it's out. So this is the end of a trilogy. This is the end. You made, not the end. It's not the end. It's the end of a trilogy. Yeah.

I mean, that's vibes, though.

I went to a screening of Francis Ford Coppola's new film, Megalopolis. And he did a live Q&A and he claims, which I don't know if it's true or not, that he invented... numbers in movies. He said that he's the first ever American filmmaker to do Godfather Part 2. This is a wild take.

The Chinese, the Indians, the Egyptians, for sure. Math is ours. The Egyptians invented math. Bro,

Your safety is important to us. Please stand away from the platform edge. I want to ask you some takes on takes. Okay. Okay, here's some takes. What's the takes on takes? Takes on takes. My takes on takes. I think that all ride share apps should have a smell rating. Mutual, two-way smell rating. You can rate the driver, they can rate you.

You know what I mean?

Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style pizza.

No way.

They're not. They raised the prices.

Yeah, that's essentially a dollar, bro. That's a dollar. No, no. Who has a quarter? When's the last time you saw a quarter? Today? No, that's not true.

I'm not looking.

And lie on your bed. Why would you? I would never wear the jacket on the bed, but I would wear this blue thing. When I go home, I'm going to take this jacket off and I'm going to lay on my bed and look at my phone.

I'm wearing undershirt.

Yeah. Don't show her gets me every time. Yeah. She doesn't give a fuck about this card.

The hypocrisy is insane. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. How about this one? Therapy enables bad behavior. Therapy enables bad behavior? Because what it does is you're like, oh, I want to run away. And the therapist is like, you should. You should.

I'm not getting into this. Egyptians are white. I'm not getting into this. They're Caucasians. Don't pull me into this. Do not pull me into this. On the census, I'm white. Really? Well, they just updated the box after like 50 years. Yeah, you're other. No, we're not fucking other. You're Middle Eastern, right? Yeah, it's a new box. Gotcha. Did you guys have a box?

I think in general, the culture around birthdays should end at about 16.

Actually, we need to go to 21. No, no, no, fuck that. 0 to 15, you get your quinceanera.

Or alternatively, you celebrate the person who gave birth. Oh, but that's Mother's Day. No, but two Mother's Days. You have Mother's Day and you have Father's Day. Yes. The birthday is to celebrate both parents. Oh, shit. This is like Parents' Day. Birthday is Parents' Day. I actually think your birthday should just be doubles Mother's Day.

Yeah, well, two mothers.

A lot of Americans in this country have a very important question for Hasan Minhaj. What's that? What's the hair routine? Oh, what's the hair routine? What's the hair routine? What are we doing? In the morning, what are we doing? Are we doing cold water? Are we doing hot water? Are we combing? Are we brushing? Is there any product in there? Is it that silky all the time?

Do you just wake up and it's like that? The American people want to know. But you're a hair icon as well. But I don't do anything.

The American people want to know about your hair.

Okay.

No. Okay, keep going. We want to know the full routine. So you don't shampoo it. You don't shampoo it. You condition it how often?

What restaurants are you going to where all of that madness and sadness is happening? Dude, dude. Have you ever been to Dallas BBQ? Yes. You like when they sing happy birthday to you? See, that is what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't you like attention? This is nuts.

You have to stay in the house. Stay in the house. Why do you have to stay in the house?

Oh, I was doing a morning shower. No, I'm not.

This is really good advice for all Americans. Yeah. Because they got you buying too much product. No, there's a huge... Johnson & Johnson is lying to you.

Each other? Like, what are you talking about? Kids need a pet.

No, no, kids need a living pet to take care of and learn how to become adults. I think you should get a cat.

We had a lot of animals, but I used to want to be a veterinarian. Okay. Was that interesting? Wait, who confirmed this? Pops? Like, your dad was like, we're going to... My dad was like, you could be a veterinarian. Because that's like a doctor.

Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't, no, no, he wasn't pro-animal. Don't get me wrong. It was always a battle. I wanted a newt. Do you know what a newt is? It's like a salamander. I wanted a salamander, but he let me get the newt.

I got a newt. N-E-W-T. It's like a salamander. Died immediately.

Yeah, they were like, this guy wants to be a doctor.

It's a doctor, dude. I didn't have to convince them that much. I said, I want to be a doctor. And then my dad, being an immigrant, he was like, you'll have your own clinic. Like, he went straight to, like, you own a hospital. I own a hospital. And he also knew, he's like, Americans, they love their animals. Like, yeah, you can operate on snakes and lizards and cats. Oh, got it.

He was like, we're going to be rich. He was like, we're going to be rich. I've done my job in the American dream. My son's going to be a doctor, parentheses, for animals.

than humans in this country yeah there's a real money train here yeah yeah we need to support kareem yeah and now they have insurance i was getting i would get insurance payouts i wouldn't even have to tax people do you have a do you have a dog right now i have two cats i would never get a dog i have hairless cats what i just i don't like touching hair i have an aversion to hair a hair aversion bro a hairless that's so disturbing too

And they actually sleep in my bed. Yeah, that's insane. They wear sweaters every day. And they sleep in my bed.

No, they're enamored. Because they've never seen something of such beauty and grace. Beauty and grace? Yeah, dude.

I'm punk. Yeah, you're out of pocket. I'm super fucking punk. You know Mr. Bigglesworth? Yeah. Dr. Evil's cat. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what I have. That was your inspiration? I have two of them. That's wild. And you know what their names are? What are the names? Kremlin and Mustafa. You gave one like a Muslim name?

Cats are allowed. When I told my mom that I was going to name my cat Mustafa, she said, but that's your brother's name.

And I said, I'm naming him after my brother. She said, you can't name a cat after your brother.

Well, she was like, he's going to be really mad. Yes. So I called my brother and I said, do you mind? Yeah, and you're like, Mustafa, how do you feel about this? And he was like, fuck yeah, bro. This is so sick, dude. He was like, bro, thank you so much. And now when he comes over, he's like obsessed with the cat that's named after him.

That's fucking crazy. You make adults change your tires? No, no, no. And change your oil? That's different. And clean your teeth? That's so different.

I didn't have kids at the time. Yeah. I didn't have kids at the time. Bro, you're wild.

You're not? I'm really not. You're bad at it?

So you let them rock? I let them rock, yeah. How long are they around?

Would you show them on camera? I'm not going to show them on camera.

Oh, God, don't do it. Don't. Okay, do it. Yeah, I'm not going to do it.

What about in other countries where it's worth less, but you have, like, in Egypt, I have to carry around 40,000 pounds. Right.

to go to dinner and get a coffee and so i have a wad of cash and i don't like run credit cards that much yeah so i'm just carrying a fat wad i do feel rich there got it i like i like have it next i take photos inflation makes you oh you do the money i take rap photos when i'm in other countries that's the only place i can do the rap photos yeah yeah the money calling yeah i stand on money what's this

What does this mean? You go like this. You hold the whole stack. Oh, that's fire. Have you ever heard the phrase, I stand on business, ten toes down? Yes, I love that phrase.

I stand on that. Okay, so let's talk about Islam for a second because I think it's really fun. Why not? I think it's awesome. I think it's great. So I tell people that why wouldn't you want the latest iOS update? Yes. Islam's the newest Abrahamic religion.

Watch my childhood.

Sit on the floor. Answer questions. I don't answer questions. My kid doesn't talk. Oh, yeah, you have a kid. You have two kids.

They're both older than mine. Yes. Do you have any advice for a new dad? You seem like a great father.

This is madness. This is madness. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry, dude. No, no, no, no, no. The popular opinion stands with Kareem Rama.

Yeah, he's so sick. He's so sick. And then Sally Fields comes in and she's like, I want a divorce. It's such a sad movie. People think it's a comedy, but I think it's a really dark... His kids are stolen from him. And he has to pretty much cross-dress. Is that a PC term still? Can we say cross-dress?