Hari Kondabolu
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I've had a great career filled with laughter, critical acclaim, and me shaking the hands of many famous white men on television. I should be completely happy, but there's still one man who haunts me. Apu Nahasapima Petalon. Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
I've had a great career filled with laughter, critical acclaim, and me shaking the hands of many famous white men on television. I should be completely happy, but there's still one man who haunts me. Apu Nahasapima Petalon. Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
Apu, a cartoon character voiced by Hank Azaria, a white guy. A white guy doing an impression of a white guy making fun of my father. If I saw Hank Azaria do that voice at a party, I would kick the shit out of him.
Apu, a cartoon character voiced by Hank Azaria, a white guy. A white guy doing an impression of a white guy making fun of my father. If I saw Hank Azaria do that voice at a party, I would kick the shit out of him.
How you responded to that is frankly a case study that I don't think anybody else has followed necessarily.
How you responded to that is frankly a case study that I don't think anybody else has followed necessarily.
All I'm saying is that the Simpsons is like your racist grandfather. You love your grandfather. He's been there your whole life and has taught you so many valuable things. But he still does racist stuff regularly. So if he can't change... Maybe it's time he dies, and you can just remember the best things about him.
All I'm saying is that the Simpsons is like your racist grandfather. You love your grandfather. He's been there your whole life and has taught you so many valuable things. But he still does racist stuff regularly. So if he can't change... Maybe it's time he dies, and you can just remember the best things about him.
but I'm, like, totally sick of talking about it. The story that's more interesting is the after. Hank, like, you know, his journey to here, you know, what is the difference between a person of color calling something out versus a white person calling something out? Like, that, to me, is interesting.
but I'm, like, totally sick of talking about it. The story that's more interesting is the after. Hank, like, you know, his journey to here, you know, what is the difference between a person of color calling something out versus a white person calling something out? Like, that, to me, is interesting.
You know, it's this discussion of white fragility, of the Internet, of communication, of conversation, that. The rest of the stuff, to me, is like... I'm so done with it. I'm done.
You know, it's this discussion of white fragility, of the Internet, of communication, of conversation, that. The rest of the stuff, to me, is like... I'm so done with it. I'm done.
I've had a great career filled with laughter, critical acclaim, and me shaking the hands of many famous white men on television. I should be completely happy, but there's still one man who haunts me. Apu Nahasapima Petalon. Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
Apu, a cartoon character voiced by Hank Azaria, a white guy. A white guy doing an impression of a white guy making fun of my father. If I saw Hank Azaria do that voice at a party, I would kick the shit out of him.
How you responded to that is frankly a case study that I don't think anybody else has followed necessarily.
All I'm saying is that the Simpsons is like your racist grandfather. You love your grandfather. He's been there your whole life and has taught you so many valuable things. But he still does racist stuff regularly. So if he can't change... Maybe it's time he dies, and you can just remember the best things about him.
but I'm, like, totally sick of talking about it. The story that's more interesting is the after. Hank, like, you know, his journey to here, you know, what is the difference between a person of color calling something out versus a white person calling something out? Like, that, to me, is interesting.
You know, it's this discussion of white fragility, of the Internet, of communication, of conversation, that. The rest of the stuff, to me, is like... I'm so done with it. I'm done.
You can't combine those two. Why not? Because they're two distinct places. Since what? I'm afraid to go to either of them. Bill Clinton's from Alabama. No, he's from Arkansas. Same thing. So we've taken out five. Five. Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, one state. Okay, that's six.
You can't combine those two. Why not? Because they're two distinct places. Since what? I'm afraid to go to either of them. Bill Clinton's from Alabama. No, he's from Arkansas. Same thing. So we've taken out five. Five. Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, one state. Okay, that's six.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
They're going to say we want to be independent.
They're going to say we want to be independent.
Connecticut's beautiful. Yeah, it's great in the car when you're driving through.
Connecticut's beautiful. Yeah, it's great in the car when you're driving through.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
One Virginia. Okay.
One Virginia. Okay.
You can't combine those two. Why not? Because they're two distinct places. Since what? I'm afraid to go to either of them. Bill Clinton's from Alabama. No, he's from Arkansas. Same thing. So we've taken out five. Five. Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, one state. Okay, that's six.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
They're going to say we want to be independent.
Connecticut's beautiful. Yeah, it's great in the car when you're driving through.
Yeah.
Okay.
One Virginia. Okay.
So I like to approach a conversation with, like, people I'm casual with. I might say team to be like, oh, like, hey, team, how's it going? Like, sort of that soccer coach vibe. I like to be overly formal on purpose sometimes, like by saying, oh, compatriots, esteemed colleagues.
So I like to approach a conversation with, like, people I'm casual with. I might say team to be like, oh, like, hey, team, how's it going? Like, sort of that soccer coach vibe. I like to be overly formal on purpose sometimes, like by saying, oh, compatriots, esteemed colleagues.
Yeah, thanks for the work you guys do, and thanks for making a great show.
Yeah, thanks for the work you guys do, and thanks for making a great show.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mike Hickman asked his four-year-old Sadie what she wanted for her birthday, and she replied, Bluey's daddy, aka Bandit, the relentlessly fun Australian dog of the hit cartoon series that leaves every parent feeling crushingly inadequate. So Mike fulfilled his daughter's dream himself.
Mike Hickman asked his four-year-old Sadie what she wanted for her birthday, and she replied, Bluey's daddy, aka Bandit, the relentlessly fun Australian dog of the hit cartoon series that leaves every parent feeling crushingly inadequate. So Mike fulfilled his daughter's dream himself.
He dressed as Bandit and improvised for the first half hour of Sadie's party using a terrible Australian accent that left guests asking if Bluey's dad was from Boston. But no human can keep up that level of playfulness, especially when you're stifling in a bandit suit from Amazon Prime, and four-year-olds keep climbing on you to play horsey on the doggie. So Bandit broke. Get the hell off me!
He dressed as Bandit and improvised for the first half hour of Sadie's party using a terrible Australian accent that left guests asking if Bluey's dad was from Boston. But no human can keep up that level of playfulness, especially when you're stifling in a bandit suit from Amazon Prime, and four-year-olds keep climbing on you to play horsey on the doggie. So Bandit broke. Get the hell off me!
He then commanded so much compliance for the rest of the party that the kids called him Mean Bluey's Daddy, sir. And other parents started hiring Mean Bluey's daddy to implement order at their kids' parties. He's even started a parenting YouTube channel called Meanie until the cease and desist letter from Disney comes.
He then commanded so much compliance for the rest of the party that the kids called him Mean Bluey's Daddy, sir. And other parents started hiring Mean Bluey's daddy to implement order at their kids' parties. He's even started a parenting YouTube channel called Meanie until the cease and desist letter from Disney comes.
He talks to his plants. Exactly.
He talks to his plants. Exactly.
In both cases, was it a kind of ceremonious thing? Did you sit them down and kind of hold hands? Like when my brother came out, he made my mom sit down and watch The Little Mermaid with him. And then he turned to her and told her. He came out to me at Chick-fil-A. I mean, everyone has their thing.
In both cases, was it a kind of ceremonious thing? Did you sit them down and kind of hold hands? Like when my brother came out, he made my mom sit down and watch The Little Mermaid with him. And then he turned to her and told her. He came out to me at Chick-fil-A. I mean, everyone has their thing.
My safe word right now is I just look at my husband and say perimenopause and leave the room.
My safe word right now is I just look at my husband and say perimenopause and leave the room.
Yep. That means you got this now.
Yep. That means you got this now.
It's a threat and a reality.
It's a threat and a reality.
A Goldilocks wedding, a medium-sized wedding.
A Goldilocks wedding, a medium-sized wedding.
This is not the new way. Oh, are they having both?
This is not the new way. Oh, are they having both?
It turned that person vegan, and that's better for the environment.
It turned that person vegan, and that's better for the environment.
I was thinking this happened a little too early because if it happened during Mardi Gras, it could be like that ring toss, right? You take off your shirt and you'd throw the beads and they'd just stay if you had a good toss.
I was thinking this happened a little too early because if it happened during Mardi Gras, it could be like that ring toss, right? You take off your shirt and you'd throw the beads and they'd just stay if you had a good toss.
That's terrible. It is. And that's for the bronze, silver, and gold?
That's terrible. It is. And that's for the bronze, silver, and gold?
College football championship. Right.
College football championship. Right.
That the newly declassified JFK, RFK, and MLK files are TLDR and boring.
That the newly declassified JFK, RFK, and MLK files are TLDR and boring.
Do you think they spell it S-N-E-A-U-X there? Y'all, we got snow. We got some snow.
Do you think they spell it S-N-E-A-U-X there? Y'all, we got snow. We got some snow.
I don't know, Peter. Do you read the Wall Street Journal every day? As a matter of fact, I do.
I don't know, Peter. Do you read the Wall Street Journal every day? As a matter of fact, I do.
I thought boomer asking is when you ask your parents who are boomers, like, hey, did you know the flashlight's on on your phone? Did you take your statin?
I thought boomer asking is when you ask your parents who are boomers, like, hey, did you know the flashlight's on on your phone? Did you take your statin?
Just, so it's something like when in Rome, act like a native.
Just, so it's something like when in Rome, act like a native.
When in Rome, try to speak that language even if you don't know how.
When in Rome, try to speak that language even if you don't know how.
Oh, gosh, go to McDonald's?
Oh, gosh, go to McDonald's?
So you'll find the locals at the local McDonald's?
So you'll find the locals at the local McDonald's?
And they do have the French fries.
And they do have the French fries.
That's the real answer.
That's the real answer.
Yay! That makes sense. That sounds right.
Yay! That makes sense. That sounds right.
I have a cat. I can assess that as accurate.
I have a cat. I can assess that as accurate.
Why do they always say that, like a dog wouldn't do the same thing?
Why do they always say that, like a dog wouldn't do the same thing?
But humans did that. Humans took wolves and turned them into pugs.
But humans did that. Humans took wolves and turned them into pugs.
And it became sentient, and now it can't breathe. Right.
And it became sentient, and now it can't breathe. Right.
Y'all spent a lot of time calling the South backwards, but Atlanta ain't never had these problems.
Y'all spent a lot of time calling the South backwards, but Atlanta ain't never had these problems.
Never would have made it.
Never would have made it.
Dulce Sloan. Miss Impossible 100 from the chopper to the walker.
Dulce Sloan. Miss Impossible 100 from the chopper to the walker.
Why is he on this type of, do they really think that nobody's going to go see his movie?
Why is he on this type of, do they really think that nobody's going to go see his movie?
Are you asking me the last time I went on a date time, Papa?
Are you asking me the last time I went on a date time, Papa?
Because it sounds like you want me to cry on the radio.
Because it sounds like you want me to cry on the radio.
No, girl, no. Oh, I went to go see one of them days. I haven't seen Sinners yet. I'm supposed to go on a date, but if that boy don't text me back, then them vampires going to win.
No, girl, no. Oh, I went to go see one of them days. I haven't seen Sinners yet. I'm supposed to go on a date, but if that boy don't text me back, then them vampires going to win.
No, I've seen Gang of Thrones. Dragon sex is the least crazy thing that's ever happened.
No, I've seen Gang of Thrones. Dragon sex is the least crazy thing that's ever happened.
Yay. Yeah. Yay. Thank you so much.
Yay. Yeah. Yay. Thank you so much.
Bird. I get in my car all the time.
Bird. I get in my car all the time.
And bird poop on that all the time.
And bird poop on that all the time.
I'd figure it out. Gold bars? There's a hose somewhere in this house.
I'd figure it out. Gold bars? There's a hose somewhere in this house.
We all have fond memories of the wisecracking opera-singing drag icon known as Bugs Bunny. Yeah. But a botched procedure at a dentist's office in Colchester, Vermont, had the whole town asking, what's up, doc? Vita Evans went to local dentist Dr. Kurt Yash in the spring of 2022 to get a set of veneers.
We all have fond memories of the wisecracking opera-singing drag icon known as Bugs Bunny. Yeah. But a botched procedure at a dentist's office in Colchester, Vermont, had the whole town asking, what's up, doc? Vita Evans went to local dentist Dr. Kurt Yash in the spring of 2022 to get a set of veneers.
Her and hundreds of other people in town got a shiny new set up for years because Dr. Yash was new to town and running a special. Well, after six months, Fida noticed an odd taste in her mouth and her two front teeth were starting to become larger and longer. While out shopping one day, she noticed other people with the same affliction.
Her and hundreds of other people in town got a shiny new set up for years because Dr. Yash was new to town and running a special. Well, after six months, Fida noticed an odd taste in her mouth and her two front teeth were starting to become larger and longer. While out shopping one day, she noticed other people with the same affliction.
Her wife also noticed and very gently said to her, y'all need to call that dentist. This place is starting to look like a rabbit's den. Vida immediately called the dentist's office. The assistant apologized profusely and explained that Vida was one of many with this Bugs Bunny syndrome.
Her wife also noticed and very gently said to her, y'all need to call that dentist. This place is starting to look like a rabbit's den. Vida immediately called the dentist's office. The assistant apologized profusely and explained that Vida was one of many with this Bugs Bunny syndrome.
It was caused by a defective adhesive and they would fix the problem free of charge as long as Vida promised not to lead a bad Yelp review.
It was caused by a defective adhesive and they would fix the problem free of charge as long as Vida promised not to lead a bad Yelp review.
Golf. Some would call it a pastime, others a lifestyle. And if you're under 30, boring. Very, very boring. In response to golf's declining popularity with young people, some country clubs have introduced a new variation of the game called Combat Golf. A golfer tees off and then has a two-minute head start before the other members of the foursome give chase.
Golf. Some would call it a pastime, others a lifestyle. And if you're under 30, boring. Very, very boring. In response to golf's declining popularity with young people, some country clubs have introduced a new variation of the game called Combat Golf. A golfer tees off and then has a two-minute head start before the other members of the foursome give chase.
The three attackers are allowed to do anything they like to hinder the golfer outside of injury, at least intentionally. Wink, wink. The inventor of combat golf goes by the name of Payne Stewart. Payne spelled P-A-I-N. He says, quote, my daddy loved golf more than he loved me. When it was his weekend to have me, he made me caddy for him. Oh, the destruction I imagined causing with his golf clubs.
The three attackers are allowed to do anything they like to hinder the golfer outside of injury, at least intentionally. Wink, wink. The inventor of combat golf goes by the name of Payne Stewart. Payne spelled P-A-I-N. He says, quote, my daddy loved golf more than he loved me. When it was his weekend to have me, he made me caddy for him. Oh, the destruction I imagined causing with his golf clubs.
Who knew my revenge fantasy would turn into a legitimate team sport?
Who knew my revenge fantasy would turn into a legitimate team sport?
Right.
Right.
As a New Yorker, I find it hilarious and very cute that New Jersey thinks that aliens and the government are interested in its matters. Like the idea that they think they're that worthy of attention from outer space. Major League Baseball is not interested in New Jersey. The NBA is not interested in New Jersey.
As a New Yorker, I find it hilarious and very cute that New Jersey thinks that aliens and the government are interested in its matters. Like the idea that they think they're that worthy of attention from outer space. Major League Baseball is not interested in New Jersey. The NBA is not interested in New Jersey.
So there's a whole civilization growing on the ornaments over the course of a year? Yes, exactly.
So there's a whole civilization growing on the ornaments over the course of a year? Yes, exactly.
Okay. Shoes.
Okay. Shoes.
Hands.
Hands.
This sounds gross.
This sounds gross.
Oh, a Frosty the Snowman kit. Well, I'll give it to you. Snowman hands.
Oh, a Frosty the Snowman kit. Well, I'll give it to you. Snowman hands.
The Jets and Giants play in New Jersey, but they don't even want to be associated with them. And you're telling me aliens and the government are putting drones out there.
The Jets and Giants play in New Jersey, but they don't even want to be associated with them. And you're telling me aliens and the government are putting drones out there.
Wait, so the Rat Boy craze, who was in that? The Rat Boy, that was last summer.
Wait, so the Rat Boy craze, who was in that? The Rat Boy, that was last summer.
Bird?
Bird?
The earth is one year closer to getting these pesky humans out of here.
The earth is one year closer to getting these pesky humans out of here.
No one asked for this. Like, there's an expression, like, you know, if you feel like you're about to die, you're like, I saw my life flash before my eyes. When did that become a good thing? Right. Nobody wants this information. Yes.
No one asked for this. Like, there's an expression, like, you know, if you feel like you're about to die, you're like, I saw my life flash before my eyes. When did that become a good thing? Right. Nobody wants this information. Yes.
I mean, it's hard when Betty White has raised the bar so high for elderly people in comedy. That's true. Like, honestly, if it wasn't the Pope, would they let him write a thing about comedy? It was good. That was the major point of the article. It's nice to laugh, which I think in the 1400s would have been groundbreaking. Right, exactly.
I mean, it's hard when Betty White has raised the bar so high for elderly people in comedy. That's true. Like, honestly, if it wasn't the Pope, would they let him write a thing about comedy? It was good. That was the major point of the article. It's nice to laugh, which I think in the 1400s would have been groundbreaking. Right, exactly.
Glitter edible?
Glitter edible?
The legend of the seventh son being a werewolf is still alive and well in South America.
The legend of the seventh son being a werewolf is still alive and well in South America.
And you said you weren't going to perform. It's almost like G-Mac Cash is here with us.
And you said you weren't going to perform. It's almost like G-Mac Cash is here with us.
And what did you do to anger God thusly? I don't know.
And what did you do to anger God thusly? I don't know.
Something for the next book.
Something for the next book.
I gotta tell you, this all sounds like Big Gretch Bay. It really does.
I gotta tell you, this all sounds like Big Gretch Bay. It really does.
That's, I, you gotta, all you've gotta do is be the third worst dressed person in any occasion. Why the third? Well, because if you're the first worst dressed, that's bad. Yeah. And if you're the second worst dressed, what if the first worst dressed goes to the bathroom? Very good. Very smart. Third worst dressed.
That's, I, you gotta, all you've gotta do is be the third worst dressed person in any occasion. Why the third? Well, because if you're the first worst dressed, that's bad. Yeah. And if you're the second worst dressed, what if the first worst dressed goes to the bathroom? Very good. Very smart. Third worst dressed.
That's right. And then, yeah, then, you know, you win some, you lose some. Exactly.
That's right. And then, yeah, then, you know, you win some, you lose some. Exactly.
to like clap really loud because you don't think they're going to come up for an encore when you really know they're going to come up for an encore? That's a very good question, but that was not addressed.
to like clap really loud because you don't think they're going to come up for an encore when you really know they're going to come up for an encore? That's a very good question, but that was not addressed.
Yeah, but they'd rather get home late than give you the satisfaction of thinking that they liked you. When only a few people stand, that doesn't mean you didn't do a good job. It means those people thought you did a great job. Yeah, that's an audience half-standing perspective, and I appreciate that.
Yeah, but they'd rather get home late than give you the satisfaction of thinking that they liked you. When only a few people stand, that doesn't mean you didn't do a good job. It means those people thought you did a great job. Yeah, that's an audience half-standing perspective, and I appreciate that.
Yeah, well, that's the problem. Thanks, Joe Biden.
Yeah, well, that's the problem. Thanks, Joe Biden.
If you used your maps for murder.
If you used your maps for murder.
And where did you get this fine raccoon meat that you're serving?
And where did you get this fine raccoon meat that you're serving?
That's a shame. Yeah, yeah. How ugly? There must be a limit, right? Right. Because if you're like, oh, kind of a painting with a jarring color scheme versus like, that's my grandfather's skull. Jesus. I kind of built that plane in the air, and I don't regret it because it did land. Yeah, sort of.
That's a shame. Yeah, yeah. How ugly? There must be a limit, right? Right. Because if you're like, oh, kind of a painting with a jarring color scheme versus like, that's my grandfather's skull. Jesus. I kind of built that plane in the air, and I don't regret it because it did land. Yeah, sort of.
Six to tie and seven to win. All right. Tall order, Josh. Peter? Yes. My palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Arms are heavy. There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. Let's do this.
Six to tie and seven to win. All right. Tall order, Josh. Peter? Yes. My palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Arms are heavy. There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. Let's do this.
Pollution from the use of... Jeez, I'm out on one. Generative AI models.
Pollution from the use of... Jeez, I'm out on one. Generative AI models.
Oh, he was in charge of corruption. Exactly.
Oh, he was in charge of corruption. Exactly.
I don't like a jacked snowman because regular snowman is my body type. I know. I feel like we're losing representation. You might expect, you know, just the standard three spheres, one on top of each other, but the middle one has abs. Yeah, I don't like that. I also don't like, I feel like this is too Christmas-centered and it's too straight, right? We've got to be more inclusive.
I don't like a jacked snowman because regular snowman is my body type. I know. I feel like we're losing representation. You might expect, you know, just the standard three spheres, one on top of each other, but the middle one has abs. Yeah, I don't like that. I also don't like, I feel like this is too Christmas-centered and it's too straight, right? We've got to be more inclusive.
And Josh Gondelman. Christmas-themed Oscar bait movies. So get ready for Hallmark Channel original Christopher Nolan's Elfenheimer.
And Josh Gondelman. Christmas-themed Oscar bait movies. So get ready for Hallmark Channel original Christopher Nolan's Elfenheimer.
Let's do two birds with one stone. I'm pitching a same-sex romance for Hanukkah called Gatel, Gatel, Gatel.
Let's do two birds with one stone. I'm pitching a same-sex romance for Hanukkah called Gatel, Gatel, Gatel.
They would have to shrink his forehead down to regular. And everyone would be like, that doesn't look anything like you. Isn't it funny?
They would have to shrink his forehead down to regular. And everyone would be like, that doesn't look anything like you. Isn't it funny?
It would be less damaging to appoint RFK Sr. at this point. Yeah, I know, yeah.
It would be less damaging to appoint RFK Sr. at this point. Yeah, I know, yeah.
Actually, when you put out the tiles, you pour some solo cups, and you play beer-jong. Yeah.
Actually, when you put out the tiles, you pour some solo cups, and you play beer-jong. Yeah.
This is tough, because I was in a vintage store, and I felt really bad afterwards, and it must have been that hat I ate. LAUGHTER
This is tough, because I was in a vintage store, and I felt really bad afterwards, and it must have been that hat I ate. LAUGHTER
that they don't use the finest ingredients.
that they don't use the finest ingredients.
Whoa. Lint chocolate uses toxic metal? They should just rebrand as Lint Biscuit.
Whoa. Lint chocolate uses toxic metal? They should just rebrand as Lint Biscuit.
With climate change becoming an increasingly dangerous reality, President Javier Millet of Argentina has taken some extreme measures to hit his country's climate goals. To keep the nation's average temperature as low as possible, he has announced his plans to annex Antarctica. It's simple, said President Millet, in an accent you can imagine but I will not attempt.
With climate change becoming an increasingly dangerous reality, President Javier Millet of Argentina has taken some extreme measures to hit his country's climate goals. To keep the nation's average temperature as low as possible, he has announced his plans to annex Antarctica. It's simple, said President Millet, in an accent you can imagine but I will not attempt.
Think about how much of our great nation now creates no carbon emissions at all. From now on, it shall be known as . An Argentinian takeover was fairly simple, given that most of the inhabitants are scientists who offered little resistance, but did manage to peer review their new government.
Think about how much of our great nation now creates no carbon emissions at all. From now on, it shall be known as . An Argentinian takeover was fairly simple, given that most of the inhabitants are scientists who offered little resistance, but did manage to peer review their new government.
A group of belligerent American researchers attempted to stand their ground, chanting, our snow, we won't go, our snow, we won't go. President Millet responded, esta es la Ant-Argentina, habla espanol, which translates to, this is Ant-Argentina, speak Spanish.
A group of belligerent American researchers attempted to stand their ground, chanting, our snow, we won't go, our snow, we won't go. President Millet responded, esta es la Ant-Argentina, habla espanol, which translates to, this is Ant-Argentina, speak Spanish.
There's one answer you haven't said.
There's one answer you haven't said.
some tech bro is going to inject it into himself. Oh, Tyrannosaurus, Rick!
some tech bro is going to inject it into himself. Oh, Tyrannosaurus, Rick!
Berkinosaurus? They're going to make shoes out of it? Like Birkenstocks? Not shoes, not Birkenstocks, but the Birken... I don't know. Birken... Merkin? Birken Merkin. No. Dinosaur Merkin.
Berkinosaurus? They're going to make shoes out of it? Like Birkenstocks? Not shoes, not Birkenstocks, but the Birken... I don't know. Birken... Merkin? Birken Merkin. No. Dinosaur Merkin.
Because I don't know what a Birken something is. You don't know what a... Yeah, Birken is probably the most famous kind of...
Because I don't know what a Birken something is. You don't know what a... Yeah, Birken is probably the most famous kind of...
Exactly for her. And also, this is going to go wrong, right?
Exactly for her. And also, this is going to go wrong, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be like, we're just going to make part of the side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be like, we're just going to make part of the side.
It's going to be like somebody's going to be walking around all at once. All the bags are going to become alive. They're certainly eating people up their arms.
It's going to be like somebody's going to be walking around all at once. All the bags are going to become alive. They're certainly eating people up their arms.
The Southwest Airlines cardboard box.
The Southwest Airlines cardboard box.
It's like a money and class thing. That's what it is. It's like we belong here. That person also belongs here. Yeah. They don't want to meet someone at the Hudson News. Someone who's buying a watch of McCulloch.
It's like a money and class thing. That's what it is. It's like we belong here. That person also belongs here. Yeah. They don't want to meet someone at the Hudson News. Someone who's buying a watch of McCulloch.
Yes. Oh, I love the way you're wearing your neck pillow as you walk around the airport.
Yes. Oh, I love the way you're wearing your neck pillow as you walk around the airport.
You could say, saddy holidays.
You could say, saddy holidays.
Yeah, are they sure it's the champagne that's making a difference? Yeah, it's the ability to buy champagne and treat every day like it's New Year's Eve. Exactly. All right. Here is your next limit.
Yeah, are they sure it's the champagne that's making a difference? Yeah, it's the ability to buy champagne and treat every day like it's New Year's Eve. Exactly. All right. Here is your next limit.
You know, all you have to do is just put that green suit on, and he's going to look a lot like that Grinch. Right, yeah. He's got the same kind of body type and face.
You know, all you have to do is just put that green suit on, and he's going to look a lot like that Grinch. Right, yeah. He's got the same kind of body type and face.
Is there another article of clothing that is named after what it sounds like? That is a really good question. I don't have an answer.
Is there another article of clothing that is named after what it sounds like? That is a really good question. I don't have an answer.
The shirts go shirt, shirt, shirt. No. Do pants pant? No. I'd like to slow the show down and talk about every article of clothing.
The shirts go shirt, shirt, shirt. No. Do pants pant? No. I'd like to slow the show down and talk about every article of clothing.
And have the dog look away on the wedding night when he... Very awkward when the dog is in the room when people are trying to express their love to each other.
And have the dog look away on the wedding night when he... Very awkward when the dog is in the room when people are trying to express their love to each other.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Yes, and your partner has already had a conversation where you're like, so when we get married, the dog's not going to do that anymore, right? And they're like, no, no, it is. Yeah. Bill, how did Caleb do in our quiz? He was perfect.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Yes, and your partner has already had a conversation where you're like, so when we get married, the dog's not going to do that anymore, right? And they're like, no, no, it is. Yeah. Bill, how did Caleb do in our quiz? He was perfect.
Yeah, all the, like, children's books at Christmas are going to be like, there's something called a supply chain. Yeah.
Yeah, all the, like, children's books at Christmas are going to be like, there's something called a supply chain. Yeah.
Oh, are we exporting measles to them?
Oh, are we exporting measles to them?
One of the blanks? Yes.
One of the blanks? Yes.
Also, they are famously the slowest things to turn.
Also, they are famously the slowest things to turn.
Peter Gross. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson are going to announce they are in a thruple with CBS Sunday Morning and Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me's Mo Rocca. Ooh. And Joelle Nicole Johnson.
Peter Gross. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson are going to announce they are in a thruple with CBS Sunday Morning and Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me's Mo Rocca. Ooh. And Joelle Nicole Johnson.
You know, for a guy who's like a professional football coach and has won, what, six Super Bowls? Yes. It's pretty ironic that he's getting played so hard.
You know, for a guy who's like a professional football coach and has won, what, six Super Bowls? Yes. It's pretty ironic that he's getting played so hard.
He's got a grandpa bod.
He's got a grandpa bod.
Can't she just be an influencer like every other 24-year-old? Why does she have to glom on to grandpa and take all his money?
Can't she just be an influencer like every other 24-year-old? Why does she have to glom on to grandpa and take all his money?
Except all the people who have been doing cocaine all night long are awake and flying.
Except all the people who have been doing cocaine all night long are awake and flying.
Yeah, when the Germans and Italians collaborate with the Japanese there, also?
Yeah, when the Germans and Italians collaborate with the Japanese there, also?
You know, the people at the Velveeta Institute have been doing wonderful, wonderful work with pasta for years. I recommend giving them a try.
You know, the people at the Velveeta Institute have been doing wonderful, wonderful work with pasta for years. I recommend giving them a try.
All right, first let's hear from Peter Gross. Forget everything you thought you knew about Dracula, or at least the guy they based Dracula on.
All right, first let's hear from Peter Gross. Forget everything you thought you knew about Dracula, or at least the guy they based Dracula on.
This week, historians from the University of Brasov in Transylvania, Romania, unearthed a trove of documents that revealed that Vlad the Impaler, the 15th century lord who historians had believed impaled his enemies on wooden spikes, didn't actually do that. In fact, the title The Impaler was actually a misreported version of his true nickname.
This week, historians from the University of Brasov in Transylvania, Romania, unearthed a trove of documents that revealed that Vlad the Impaler, the 15th century lord who historians had believed impaled his enemies on wooden spikes, didn't actually do that. In fact, the title The Impaler was actually a misreported version of his true nickname.
A journal entry dated June 17th, 1462, written by a Magyar duke, tells the real story. Dear diary, conquered by Vlad today. He's been so nice, total sweetheart. But can I be honest with you, diary? Every time he takes a breath, there's an annoying rattling sound, like a sword being dragged across a stone floor. It's the worst.
A journal entry dated June 17th, 1462, written by a Magyar duke, tells the real story. Dear diary, conquered by Vlad today. He's been so nice, total sweetheart. But can I be honest with you, diary? Every time he takes a breath, there's an annoying rattling sound, like a sword being dragged across a stone floor. It's the worst.
I think he has a deviated septum, or maybe there's a giant booger stuck in there. Either way, it's super irritating. Behind his back, we all call him Vlad the Inhaler. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gotta go, diary. Also, I think I have a crush on Kathy, one of the kitchen maids. But don't tell anyone.
I think he has a deviated septum, or maybe there's a giant booger stuck in there. Either way, it's super irritating. Behind his back, we all call him Vlad the Inhaler. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gotta go, diary. Also, I think I have a crush on Kathy, one of the kitchen maids. But don't tell anyone.
That's the real answer.
Yay! That makes sense. That sounds right.
I have a cat. I can assess that as accurate.
Why do they always say that, like a dog wouldn't do the same thing?
But humans did that. Humans took wolves and turned them into pugs.
And it became sentient, and now it can't breathe. Right.
Y'all spent a lot of time calling the South backwards, but Atlanta ain't never had these problems.
Never would have made it.
Dulce Sloan. Miss Impossible 100 from the chopper to the walker.
Why is he on this type of, do they really think that nobody's going to go see his movie?
Are you asking me the last time I went on a date time, Papa?
Because it sounds like you want me to cry on the radio.
No, girl, no. Oh, I went to go see one of them days. I haven't seen Sinners yet. I'm supposed to go on a date, but if that boy don't text me back, then them vampires going to win.
No, I've seen Gang of Thrones. Dragon sex is the least crazy thing that's ever happened.
Yay. Yeah. Yay. Thank you so much.
Bird. I get in my car all the time.
And bird poop on that all the time.
I'd figure it out. Gold bars? There's a hose somewhere in this house.
We all have fond memories of the wisecracking opera-singing drag icon known as Bugs Bunny. Yeah. But a botched procedure at a dentist's office in Colchester, Vermont, had the whole town asking, what's up, doc? Vita Evans went to local dentist Dr. Kurt Yash in the spring of 2022 to get a set of veneers.
Her and hundreds of other people in town got a shiny new set up for years because Dr. Yash was new to town and running a special. Well, after six months, Fida noticed an odd taste in her mouth and her two front teeth were starting to become larger and longer. While out shopping one day, she noticed other people with the same affliction.
Her wife also noticed and very gently said to her, y'all need to call that dentist. This place is starting to look like a rabbit's den. Vida immediately called the dentist's office. The assistant apologized profusely and explained that Vida was one of many with this Bugs Bunny syndrome.
It was caused by a defective adhesive and they would fix the problem free of charge as long as Vida promised not to lead a bad Yelp review.
There's one answer you haven't said.
some tech bro is going to inject it into himself. Oh, Tyrannosaurus, Rick!
Berkinosaurus? They're going to make shoes out of it? Like Birkenstocks? Not shoes, not Birkenstocks, but the Birken... I don't know. Birken... Merkin? Birken Merkin. No. Dinosaur Merkin.
Because I don't know what a Birken something is. You don't know what a... Yeah, Birken is probably the most famous kind of...
Exactly for her. And also, this is going to go wrong, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to be like, we're just going to make part of the side.
It's going to be like somebody's going to be walking around all at once. All the bags are going to become alive. They're certainly eating people up their arms.
The Southwest Airlines cardboard box.
It's like a money and class thing. That's what it is. It's like we belong here. That person also belongs here. Yeah. They don't want to meet someone at the Hudson News. Someone who's buying a watch of McCulloch.
Yes. Oh, I love the way you're wearing your neck pillow as you walk around the airport.
You could say, saddy holidays.
Yeah, are they sure it's the champagne that's making a difference? Yeah, it's the ability to buy champagne and treat every day like it's New Year's Eve. Exactly. All right. Here is your next limit.
You know, all you have to do is just put that green suit on, and he's going to look a lot like that Grinch. Right, yeah. He's got the same kind of body type and face.
Is there another article of clothing that is named after what it sounds like? That is a really good question. I don't have an answer.
The shirts go shirt, shirt, shirt. No. Do pants pant? No. I'd like to slow the show down and talk about every article of clothing.
And have the dog look away on the wedding night when he... Very awkward when the dog is in the room when people are trying to express their love to each other.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Yes, and your partner has already had a conversation where you're like, so when we get married, the dog's not going to do that anymore, right? And they're like, no, no, it is. Yeah. Bill, how did Caleb do in our quiz? He was perfect.
Yeah, all the, like, children's books at Christmas are going to be like, there's something called a supply chain. Yeah.
Oh, are we exporting measles to them?
One of the blanks? Yes.
Also, they are famously the slowest things to turn.
Peter Gross. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson are going to announce they are in a thruple with CBS Sunday Morning and Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me's Mo Rocca. Ooh. And Joelle Nicole Johnson.
You know, for a guy who's like a professional football coach and has won, what, six Super Bowls? Yes. It's pretty ironic that he's getting played so hard.
He's got a grandpa bod.
Can't she just be an influencer like every other 24-year-old? Why does she have to glom on to grandpa and take all his money?
Except all the people who have been doing cocaine all night long are awake and flying.
Yeah, when the Germans and Italians collaborate with the Japanese there, also?
You know, the people at the Velveeta Institute have been doing wonderful, wonderful work with pasta for years. I recommend giving them a try.
All right, first let's hear from Peter Gross. Forget everything you thought you knew about Dracula, or at least the guy they based Dracula on.
This week, historians from the University of Brasov in Transylvania, Romania, unearthed a trove of documents that revealed that Vlad the Impaler, the 15th century lord who historians had believed impaled his enemies on wooden spikes, didn't actually do that. In fact, the title The Impaler was actually a misreported version of his true nickname.
A journal entry dated June 17th, 1462, written by a Magyar duke, tells the real story. Dear diary, conquered by Vlad today. He's been so nice, total sweetheart. But can I be honest with you, diary? Every time he takes a breath, there's an annoying rattling sound, like a sword being dragged across a stone floor. It's the worst.
I think he has a deviated septum, or maybe there's a giant booger stuck in there. Either way, it's super irritating. Behind his back, we all call him Vlad the Inhaler. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gotta go, diary. Also, I think I have a crush on Kathy, one of the kitchen maids. But don't tell anyone.
Mike Hickman asked his four-year-old Sadie what she wanted for her birthday, and she replied, Bluey's daddy, aka Bandit, the relentlessly fun Australian dog of the hit cartoon series that leaves every parent feeling crushingly inadequate. So Mike fulfilled his daughter's dream himself.
He dressed as Bandit and improvised for the first half hour of Sadie's party using a terrible Australian accent that left guests asking if Bluey's dad was from Boston. But no human can keep up that level of playfulness, especially when you're stifling in a bandit suit from Amazon Prime, and four-year-olds keep climbing on you to play horsey on the doggie. So Bandit broke. Get the hell off me!
He then commanded so much compliance for the rest of the party that the kids called him Mean Bluey's Daddy, sir. And other parents started hiring Mean Bluey's daddy to implement order at their kids' parties. He's even started a parenting YouTube channel called Meanie until the cease and desist letter from Disney comes.
He talks to his plants. Exactly.
In both cases, was it a kind of ceremonious thing? Did you sit them down and kind of hold hands? Like when my brother came out, he made my mom sit down and watch The Little Mermaid with him. And then he turned to her and told her. He came out to me at Chick-fil-A. I mean, everyone has their thing.
My safe word right now is I just look at my husband and say perimenopause and leave the room.
Yep. That means you got this now.
It's a threat and a reality.
A Goldilocks wedding, a medium-sized wedding.
This is not the new way. Oh, are they having both?
It turned that person vegan, and that's better for the environment.
I was thinking this happened a little too early because if it happened during Mardi Gras, it could be like that ring toss, right? You take off your shirt and you'd throw the beads and they'd just stay if you had a good toss.
That's terrible. It is. And that's for the bronze, silver, and gold?
College football championship. Right.
That the newly declassified JFK, RFK, and MLK files are TLDR and boring.
Do you think they spell it S-N-E-A-U-X there? Y'all, we got snow. We got some snow.
I don't know, Peter. Do you read the Wall Street Journal every day? As a matter of fact, I do.
I thought boomer asking is when you ask your parents who are boomers, like, hey, did you know the flashlight's on on your phone? Did you take your statin?
Just, so it's something like when in Rome, act like a native.
When in Rome, try to speak that language even if you don't know how.
Oh, gosh, go to McDonald's?
So you'll find the locals at the local McDonald's?
And they do have the French fries.
Golf. Some would call it a pastime, others a lifestyle. And if you're under 30, boring. Very, very boring. In response to golf's declining popularity with young people, some country clubs have introduced a new variation of the game called Combat Golf. A golfer tees off and then has a two-minute head start before the other members of the foursome give chase.
The three attackers are allowed to do anything they like to hinder the golfer outside of injury, at least intentionally. Wink, wink. The inventor of combat golf goes by the name of Payne Stewart. Payne spelled P-A-I-N. He says, quote, my daddy loved golf more than he loved me. When it was his weekend to have me, he made me caddy for him. Oh, the destruction I imagined causing with his golf clubs.
Who knew my revenge fantasy would turn into a legitimate team sport?
Right.
As a New Yorker, I find it hilarious and very cute that New Jersey thinks that aliens and the government are interested in its matters. Like the idea that they think they're that worthy of attention from outer space. Major League Baseball is not interested in New Jersey. The NBA is not interested in New Jersey.
So there's a whole civilization growing on the ornaments over the course of a year? Yes, exactly.
Okay. Shoes.
Hands.
This sounds gross.
Oh, a Frosty the Snowman kit. Well, I'll give it to you. Snowman hands.
The Jets and Giants play in New Jersey, but they don't even want to be associated with them. And you're telling me aliens and the government are putting drones out there.
Wait, so the Rat Boy craze, who was in that? The Rat Boy, that was last summer.
Bird?
The earth is one year closer to getting these pesky humans out of here.
No one asked for this. Like, there's an expression, like, you know, if you feel like you're about to die, you're like, I saw my life flash before my eyes. When did that become a good thing? Right. Nobody wants this information. Yes.
I mean, it's hard when Betty White has raised the bar so high for elderly people in comedy. That's true. Like, honestly, if it wasn't the Pope, would they let him write a thing about comedy? It was good. That was the major point of the article. It's nice to laugh, which I think in the 1400s would have been groundbreaking. Right, exactly.
Glitter edible?
So I like to approach a conversation with, like, people I'm casual with. I might say team to be like, oh, like, hey, team, how's it going? Like, sort of that soccer coach vibe. I like to be overly formal on purpose sometimes, like by saying, oh, compatriots, esteemed colleagues.
Yeah, thanks for the work you guys do, and thanks for making a great show.
Thank you.
The legend of the seventh son being a werewolf is still alive and well in South America.
And you said you weren't going to perform. It's almost like G-Mac Cash is here with us.
And what did you do to anger God thusly? I don't know.
Something for the next book.
I gotta tell you, this all sounds like Big Gretch Bay. It really does.
That's, I, you gotta, all you've gotta do is be the third worst dressed person in any occasion. Why the third? Well, because if you're the first worst dressed, that's bad. Yeah. And if you're the second worst dressed, what if the first worst dressed goes to the bathroom? Very good. Very smart. Third worst dressed.
That's right. And then, yeah, then, you know, you win some, you lose some. Exactly.
to like clap really loud because you don't think they're going to come up for an encore when you really know they're going to come up for an encore? That's a very good question, but that was not addressed.
Yeah, but they'd rather get home late than give you the satisfaction of thinking that they liked you. When only a few people stand, that doesn't mean you didn't do a good job. It means those people thought you did a great job. Yeah, that's an audience half-standing perspective, and I appreciate that.
Yeah, well, that's the problem. Thanks, Joe Biden.
If you used your maps for murder.
And where did you get this fine raccoon meat that you're serving?
That's a shame. Yeah, yeah. How ugly? There must be a limit, right? Right. Because if you're like, oh, kind of a painting with a jarring color scheme versus like, that's my grandfather's skull. Jesus. I kind of built that plane in the air, and I don't regret it because it did land. Yeah, sort of.
Six to tie and seven to win. All right. Tall order, Josh. Peter? Yes. My palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Arms are heavy. There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. Let's do this.
Pollution from the use of... Jeez, I'm out on one. Generative AI models.
Oh, he was in charge of corruption. Exactly.
I don't like a jacked snowman because regular snowman is my body type. I know. I feel like we're losing representation. You might expect, you know, just the standard three spheres, one on top of each other, but the middle one has abs. Yeah, I don't like that. I also don't like, I feel like this is too Christmas-centered and it's too straight, right? We've got to be more inclusive.
And Josh Gondelman. Christmas-themed Oscar bait movies. So get ready for Hallmark Channel original Christopher Nolan's Elfenheimer.
Let's do two birds with one stone. I'm pitching a same-sex romance for Hanukkah called Gatel, Gatel, Gatel.
They would have to shrink his forehead down to regular. And everyone would be like, that doesn't look anything like you. Isn't it funny?
It would be less damaging to appoint RFK Sr. at this point. Yeah, I know, yeah.
Actually, when you put out the tiles, you pour some solo cups, and you play beer-jong. Yeah.
This is tough, because I was in a vintage store, and I felt really bad afterwards, and it must have been that hat I ate. LAUGHTER
that they don't use the finest ingredients.
Whoa. Lint chocolate uses toxic metal? They should just rebrand as Lint Biscuit.
With climate change becoming an increasingly dangerous reality, President Javier Millet of Argentina has taken some extreme measures to hit his country's climate goals. To keep the nation's average temperature as low as possible, he has announced his plans to annex Antarctica. It's simple, said President Millet, in an accent you can imagine but I will not attempt.
Think about how much of our great nation now creates no carbon emissions at all. From now on, it shall be known as . An Argentinian takeover was fairly simple, given that most of the inhabitants are scientists who offered little resistance, but did manage to peer review their new government.
A group of belligerent American researchers attempted to stand their ground, chanting, our snow, we won't go, our snow, we won't go. President Millet responded, esta es la Ant-Argentina, habla espanol, which translates to, this is Ant-Argentina, speak Spanish.