Hannah Jaffe-Walt (Host)
Appearances
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
It's This American Life. I'm Hannah Jaffe-Walt sitting in for Ira Glass. I've been talking to someone here and there over the last couple of months about a situation she's in. And I think she typifies the thing we're going to try to do in this episode. So I'd like you to meet her. Her name is Annika Barber. She's a scientist, a molecular biologist at Rutgers University, a runner.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
They were listed on an NIH website as scheduled, but Annika says they did not seem to be happening. The website showed they were, but scientists were saying they weren't. Scientists who had submitted grants literally had no idea if their grant had been reviewed and moved on to the next step of the funding process.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
But Annika learned there was a place you could get a way better picture of whether a meeting was going to happen or had already happened.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
And if they're not posted to the Federal Register, they cannot meet. It's a strange feeling knowing you're in the middle of an upending. knowing that something fundamental to the way that you live is changing. But you can't understand or see the scale of change as it's happening. You just can't. You have to wait. What I like about Annika is she rejects this. She is not waiting.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Annika immediately began scraping data from federal websites, finding all the meetings that were supposed to happen, cross-referencing them with the Federal Register, reaching out to scientists to see if the supposedly scheduled meetings did in fact occur, compiled all that into a Google spreadsheet, and posted it online.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Anxious and confused scientists all over America began consulting Annika's spreadsheet and passing it around to see, is my study section actually happening? Has my grant been reviewed? Is there any point in submitting my next grant? Will I be able to keep my lab open?
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
She's got purple hair. And a particular way of organizing the world around her. Her books, organized topically and then by height. Her lab, color-coded labels.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Ike Streis-Conduraja is a producer on our show. Avi Vickner is the actor who read for M. Coming up, a woman discovers she is a central data point in a story she did not know was unfolding. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues. It's This American Life. I'm Hannah Jaffe-Walt sitting in for Ira Glass. Today's show, Chaos Graph.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
People trying to make sense of things, trying to map what is happening around them and see the bigger picture. We've arrived at Act Two, Solve for Where. In this next story, the bigger picture has become very clear to the rest of us over the last couple weeks. It's in the news all the time. But the woman at the center of this story, she experienced it up close.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
She learned each fact in the most personal, direct way. And making sense of those facts, understanding how they all fit together, for her, was urgent.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
For five weeks, there were no NIH study sections, till it was 205 study sections that did not meet. All of those proposals sat waiting, and all the ones that came after, stacking up behind them. A long traffic jam of uncertainty and science not happening. And then, in March, a meeting appeared on the Federal Register, an NIH study section, and then another, and another,
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Now, the meetings to assess new research grants seem to have mostly picked back up. Scientists are doing peer reviews, but it's not clear if the government will actually cough up the money. And a few of the grant proposals that were supposed to be reviewed at these meetings, they're being quietly disappeared from the lists. They're not being reviewed at all.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
They seem to be the grants with DEI words or other thought crimes in them that are no longer allowed. It's unclear if the scientists who submitted these grants even know that their proposals have been dropped. Annika went to a meeting herself. It was two months late, pulled together at the very last minute, but it did happen.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Nadia Raymond is an editor on our show. Interpreting for this story by Anianci Diaz-Cortez.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Our program was produced today by Valerie Kipnis. Our executive editor, Emanuel Berry, edited the show.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
The people who put together today's program include Fia Benen, Mike Kamate, Aviva de Kornfeld, Emanuel Jochi, Angela Gervasi, Cassie Howley, Seth Lind, Tobin Lo, Catherine Raimundo, Stone Nelson, Ryan Remery, Marisa Robertson-Textor, Alyssa Shipp, Lily Sullivan, Christopher Swatala, Lara Starczewski, Nancy Updike, James Williamson, and Diane Wu. Our managing editor is Sara Abdurrahman.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum. Our executive producer is Ira Glass. Special thanks today to Yael Evan Orr, Jeremy Ashkenaz, Aaron Reiklin Melnick, Mustafa Kishti, Stephen Yell Lair, Julie Turkowitz, Carolina Arias-Ipiz, Dara Lind, Yosbel Gonzalez-Meijas, Galia Waltz, Breaking the Silence, and The Chronicle for Higher Education. Casting help from Sabrina Hyman.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the public radio exchange. Our website, thisamericanlife.org. If you become a This American Life partner, you will get bonus episodes, ad-free listening, and more. The latest bonus episode is an Ask Me Anything episode where Ira Glass answers questions sent in by subscribers.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
To hear it and get all the other perks, and most importantly, help us keep making the show, go to thisamericanlife.org slash lifepartners. That link is also in the show notes. Thanks, as always, to my boss, Ira Glass. He went to a Hugh Grant convention this year. Everyone dressed up. Four weddings and a funeral, Hugh. Notting Hill, Hugh. Love Actually, Hugh.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
So will that stuff that you reviewed get funded? I don't know. Was there a part of you that felt like, are we chumps? Yes, absolutely.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
The thing that is killing her is not knowing the shape of the new normal. How many grants will now be funded compared to before? Half? A quarter? Which scientists will get funding? What kind of research? There's no data she can turn to that will tell her that.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Will she continue to try to graph the chaos? Yes, she will. Today's show is full of people who do not wait for the chaos to settle. People who run toward it, who will take whatever little data they have available to them and try to make it make sense. These are people who get answers. Stay with us.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
It's This American Life. The questions people are trying to answer in today's episode, they are basic. Where and why? Act one, solve for why. One of the hardest places to see through chaos in the middle of a war, fog of war, all that. This is especially true for the war in Gaza. There is very limited information moving in and out of Gaza.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Israel has banned international press from entering the Strip for nearly 18 months, except for a few brief trips accompanied by and under the control of the Israeli military. One rare outside group has gotten a view on the ground of Gaza. Medical workers.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Since the start of the war, over 100 American doctors and nurses have traveled to Gaza, treated patients there for weeks at a time, and come back out. Producer Aix-Riz Kandaraja talked to a dozen of them who volunteered there.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
Lately, Annika has been trying to get her mind around a new situation that is deeply confusing for her and lots of people. She's tracking scientific meetings that are not happening. When President Trump was inaugurated, he put a freeze on research grants.
This American Life
859: Chaos Graph
This meant the meetings where scientists like Annika get together at the National Institutes of Health to assess new research, they're called NIH study sections, those meetings were off. But then a judge said the administration couldn't pause all research grants, so the meetings were theoretically back on.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
He'd gleefully tell her he's near where David Beckham lives, but he wouldn't mention the restaurant he went to that day. Asil knew he was keeping stuff from her, and in the text, she's constantly nudging him to send her pictures and updates. And when he does share something, she responds quickly, with hearts, and says things like, "'I am happy just seeing your pictures. It's amazing, bro.'"
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf sends a picture of himself on a bike in London. Asil, wow, smiley face, it's amazing. And an athlete, smiley face, heart. Another time. A selfie of Yusuf in Cairo. Asil, advice for you, smiley face, heart. This haircut looks good on you. Asil had pushed Yusuf to leave Gaza. She considered going with him, but the cost was enormous, more than Yusuf could cover.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
And she didn't want to leave her in-laws and extended family behind in Gaza. She's genuinely very happy for Yusuf. But there's also a new, unfamiliar feeling.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life. I'm Hannah Jaffe-Walt, sitting in for Ira Glass. Family Group Chat, created May 19, 2023. Two years ago. Before. Yusuf Hamash, send this link to Asil, Salsabil, and Heba so they can enter the group. Manal, we are all gathered together. What a blessing. Heart emoji. I don't have Hassan or Ahmed. Yusuf must add them.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
One of the reasons Asil didn't leave Gaza with Youssef is she thought the war would end soon. Another reason, she wanted to go home to the north where her house is in Jabalia. She wanted to raise her daughter at home. She thought about it every day. She was waiting and waiting for the Israeli military to allow residents of the north to return.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
These months and months of text messages really conveyed just how long she was stuck. You can see Asil getting ground down over time. There's no electricity, no clean water. She keeps getting sick. There's bombings and drones and just uncertainty. Endless uncertainty. September 2024. Asil. Oh, by God, we are tired. I wish I had listened to you and gone with you. October. Asil.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Officially, I swear to God that I cannot bear the situation at all. November. Asil. Selah has malnutrition. Yusuf, oh my God, what did the doctor tell you? Asil, she told me she has malnutrition and she's very underweight and needs vitamins. I don't know what to feed her. I didn't feed her canned food because I was afraid she'd get sick. Today is the first time I regret giving birth.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf, may God help you, sister. January 2025. Voice memo from Asil to the group chat.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
After that, Yusuf became responsible for moving his whole family, his four sisters, their extended families, from one place to another, trying to escape Israel's bombing. After six months of displacement and near-death experiences and worrying for his children, Yusuf did something he thought he'd never do. He left Gaza. This was last spring. He went with his wife, mother, and his kids to Egypt.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Then, January 15th. Some news. Hamas family group chat. A seal. The president of Qatar wants to announce a ceasefire soon. Oh, God. Get excited, guys. The war is over. It's a truce. It's a truce. It's over. Oh, God. A truce. Thank God. The moment Israel and Hamas agreed to a ceasefire last January, Asil began planning her return to the north, to her house.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
It was time, the thing she'd been waiting for. But Yusuf was against it. Yusuf to Asil. In my opinion, sister, you should stay where you are. It's early, my sister, and I hear strange things in the north. Asil, but I'm tired. How long will we continue like this? Yusuf, one by one, everything will be solved. Asil, but man, the house is important. Yusuf, leave it to me.
This American Life
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The war just stopped yesterday. Their other sisters were fine to wait and see, but Asil kept pressing to go north. Youssef had access to satellite images, and his assessment was, if a seal went north, she'd find that she had no house anymore.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf and Asil's texts about this went on for weeks. Their back-and-forth reads like Yusuf is still that older brother who's in control. But one of the things Asil is not telling him, she and her husband Ahmed have already begun moving their things north. Yusuf thinks he's still in a position to grant permission. Asil tells him, it's already done. Youssef to Asil.
This American Life
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You can go for two days and try it, but try not to move your things. Asil. Ahmed transferred 90% of them. Smiley face. She was already there.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Youssef saw that Asil was not alone in this decision. As soon as people were allowed back, 376,000 Palestinians returned to their homes in the north. And they returned to places with no roads or schools or hospitals or clean water and to homes that were damaged and destroyed. But they still went back. After weeks of pushing back, Yusuf got it.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
His sisters decided to stay behind. And since that time, almost no one has been able to leave Gaza. That was a little more than a year ago. The group chat is still going. What are they talking about in the WhatsApp group?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
It was easy to urge patience from the outside, but it was hard in the south, where they'd been forced to live for more than a year. Towns in the south were overwhelmed by displaced people from the north. There was tension between people from the north and south. There was months and months of displacement. People were tired, degraded.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
It was better to be in a tent where your home was than in a tent in Rafah or Khan Yunis. Now that she was home, Asil began trying to live, not just survive. Her husband Ahmed set up a solar panel and started a phone charging station, a small business. Asil found a job with an NGO doing data entry. Yusuf hadn't wanted her to work. He thought going outside was unsafe.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
But Asil wanted to have money of her own. Yusuf told me despite his objections, he was proud seeing what Asil had created. For two months, the ceasefire held. March 18th, Hamas family group chat. The war is back. Damn. God is sufficient for me, and he is the best disposer of affairs. 2.39 a.m., Yusuf writes. Call Asil. I can't get through. Seven hours later, Asil. I'm fine. Don't worry.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Now that she was back north and the war was back on, all the little ways Asil had been gathering herself over the last year, making her own decisions, working for her own money, relying mostly on herself, became essential for her survival. It's like she anticipated a time when, even with love and support from the outside, she was going to need to be entirely self-sufficient. That time was now.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
When Israel violated the ceasefire in March, it launched one of the deadliest days of the war. 400 people killed in a single day. In the north and also throughout the Gaza Strip. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, this is only the beginning. Israel barred all food, aid, and any other supplies from coming into the territory.
This American Life
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A complete ban that would end up lasting more than two months. What are you eating?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Asil stopped working. She tried not to go out more than she needed to. There were evacuation orders for areas in the north in April, again in May, but also orders in the south and some in the middle area of Gaza, and threats of a new Israeli ground invasion in the north, and bombs. Asil was coming back from visiting an injured relative in the hospital.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
She was almost home, and there was an explosion right where the car was going to drop her off. This was two weeks ago.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
So they would have to bomb the street you are living on for you to leave?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
We, meaning the people who are outside Gaza now. Yusuf, his wife, his kids and his mom. Inside Gaza, the sisters make plans, talk about who they ran into that day, share pictures of their kids, of bombings. They send voice memos to each other to share news and cheer each other up.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Are your sisters or Yousef or other people trying to convince you to leave?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Did you tell Yousef you were going? Will you tell him about what happened today?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
You can see in the chat when Asiel does tell him. And she's right. He pleads with her to leave, to go to her sisters, who are sheltering in Gaza City. But she doesn't want to leave. In her home, she managed to collect bedding, some furniture, a small generator, toys for the baby, the beginnings of something livable. If they leave, everything could be gone when they get back.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
And Asiel tells Yusuf, nowhere is safe. May 15th, 2.25 p.m. Asil. I'm fine, my love. Don't worry. Yusuf. God is sufficient for us, and he is the best disposer of affairs, my sister. By midnight that night, more bombs. Hamash family group chat. Can someone check on Asil? Banal. Yusuf is talking to her.
This American Life
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1.39 a.m. Yusuf, please confirm you're well. Asil, thank God for everything.
This American Life
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1.59 a.m. Yusuf, may God keep you safe, my dear. Asil, thank God, I'm fine. Don't worry.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
In the video, the camera is pointed at what looks like a pile of rubble, but it's hard to see because it's dark and they're surrounded by a cloud of dust and debris. In the upper corner of the video, there's a piece of drywall, maybe a fallen ceiling. Asil is saying, I can't see a thing, calling for her husband, Ahmed. Someone says, Ahmed is there, he's there.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
I got messages from Aseel that night, too. She wrote, I hope to stay alive until the morning. This is the hardest night since the beginning of the war. I'm so scared. And she wrote, I feel like I won't meet my family again. Did she sound different to you than she has sounded at other scary moments?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
It took 11 hours before he heard anything. His other sister, Heba, finally got through to a SEAL. They'd survived. Heba was hiring an ambulance to try to get a SEAL out. She wasn't injured. It was just the only way the family could figure out how to get to her. She's moving to Gaza City?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Hamash family group chat. Yusuf to the group. A SEAL has arrived at the girl's house. Are you asking or telling? Yusuf, I'm telling you. Upside down face. Thank God she's safe. Thank God. May God keep them safe and well. God willing. And then, 5.51 p.m., Asil shows back up in the chat. Asil, I'm fine, guys, but I'm devastated. I got a text, too. I'm fine, she said, but my psyche is broken.
This American Life
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Asil has not gone back since. 19 months is a long time. Long enough to move four times, to create a home out of nothing, to start a new business. Long enough for Asil to be pregnant, to deliver her first baby, and for that baby to learn to roll over, crawl, and walk. Long enough to feel certain that this cannot possibly go on any longer.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
In a year plus since Yusuf has left, the sisters have all moved again. They're not all together anymore. And they keep moving. They've survived airstrikes, illnesses, months with no food at all coming in. And they keep checking in here in the chat.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
The day after this terrible night, Asil sent me one more text. I'm pregnant. I don't know if I should be worried or upset or happy. I don't know what to feel. When Asil and Yusuf shared their messages, I started reading from the beginning and didn't stop for hours and hours until I was finished, hundreds of pages and photos and videos later.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
After I was done, I kept scrolling back up to the beginning, to how the story starts, two years ago. A family planning a day at the beach. Make a cinnamon roll, Heba, and arrange it here. Heba, I'm scared you'll ruin the cinnamon roll. You're good at baking cake. Bake a cake. Hadil's cinnamon roll is tasty. I'll make a cake and you won't eat it. Who told you we won't eat it?
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Okay, I'll make you a cake. Asil, do you want to bring the nuts? Bring the seeds and nuts. Asil, shall I make you a crepe? No. Asil, shall I make you some pastries? Come on, Asil. Manal and I will work with you. Do you know how to make a cinnamon roll? It felt like a shock being in the presence of a family in this way, in the banality of a moment. I understood, oh, this is what this family was.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
This is what was destroyed. ¶¶ Coming up, a refresher. How many pounds are in a kilo again? 2.2 pounds. And other memorable measurements. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues. It's This American Life. I'm Hannah Jaffe-Walt sitting in for Ira Glass. Today's show, Group Chat.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
We're hearing from Palestinians living outside the West Bank and Gaza, checking in with people there. We've arrived at Act 2 of our program, Act 2, Week 11. Mohamed Mahawish left Gaza a year ago, around the same time as Yusuf, just before the border closed. Mohamed's a reporter. He's lived in Gaza his whole life.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf, the problem solver in the family, the don't worry, I'll take care of it guy, he keeps trying to figure out how to solve the same problems over and over. When his sister Aseel texts, if I clean, I get dizzy. If I cook, I get dizzy. There's no edible food. It's worse than you can imagine. Yusuf replies, buy anything. Aseel, don't worry about me, love. All is okay.
This American Life
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And he spent the last year since he left continuing to report and talk to people back home. Some are people he knows, others he finds through his reporting. He's been trying to document each phase of the current war. Last fall, the messages and voice memos Mohammed was getting from people in Gaza were about evacuations, or about people figuring out where to move to be safe.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
In November and December, the messages were about the cold. Winter was coming. Now, they've turned to food. Israel has imposed restrictions on food and supplies entering Gaza throughout the war. In March, they began a total blockade. No food was allowed in for 11 weeks. Israel said it was to pressure Hamas to release hostages.
This American Life
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Now, just this week, Israel is allowing a trickle of food, but it's doing so through a brand new, privately run system that's backed by Israel and the U.S. This new system now has only three food distribution sites running. There used to be hundreds. A U.N. official has said the new system, quote, cannot possibly meet Gaza's needs.
This American Life
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The upshot, as of the moment I'm saying this, is there's still not enough food inside Gaza, especially in the north. Mohammed has been talking to people there. Here he is.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Then they go back and forth. Asil, one kilo of rice is 35. Yusuf, no problem, I'll pay. Asil, a kilo of flour is 50. Yusuf, whatever the price. Asil, the issue is not the price, it's the cash. Yusuf, I don't know what one can do. Asil, the situation has become very bad. Yusuf, the problem is I can't do anything.
This American Life
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Mohamed Mahawish is a journalist and writer from Gaza. Diane Wu produced this story. You can find more of Mohamed's reporting in Al Jazeera and MSNBC. He's also a contributing writer for The Nation, which is where we first read about his experiences with hunger. Hoda's access to food has not changed since Mohamed spoke with her two weeks ago. One last thing before we end today's show.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Almost every day, someone asks me about a kid we put on the show six months ago. Banyas. She's in Gaza. The thing people always want to know, how is she doing? This is a question I find very difficult to answer. But here we go. I'm going to try. Banyas is still in central Gaza, where she's been displaced from the north. She turned nine during the ceasefire in January.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf spent the first six months of the war experiencing everything his family is experiencing, together. And when he left, it felt inconceivable that it could go on this way, this much longer. But it has. His phone keeps getting new messages, and he keeps reassuring and responding and arranging and trying to provide comfort.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
She's living in an apartment with a yard. There are long stretches when she can't go outside, when it's not safe enough. When she can go out, there are kids nearby she plays with. She draws. She pretends to be a naturalist, but yes, loves bugs. She does remote school for a few hours each week. She's skinnier. Banias' family has far more resources than most people in Gaza.
This American Life
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But still, her parents spend most of the day trying to find food lately, or waiting in lines to access an oven where they can cook bread if they have flour. Most days, they don't. They eat lentils and rice or lentils and pasta. They're running out of canned food. Her mom told me on a good day, they'll also share one fried potato for the family of four. How is Banyas doing?
This American Life
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Should be a really simple question. Banyas is wonderful. She's charming, endlessly curious and energetic and bursting with things to say. She's very funny. And Banyas is still incredibly good at creating her own reality.
This American Life
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That's how Banyas is doing. Fiercely protecting and inventing a childhood for herself. A childhood that is constrained in every way by shooting and bombing, by a lack of nutrition, education, and safety. That's how she's doing.
This American Life
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And then, these last few weeks, being unable anymore, even with all his skills and connections, to get money, cash, into his sister's hands. Hearing how their children are not eating. Something changed for Youssef. He felt literally dumbstruck.
This American Life
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Our show today was produced by Lily Sullivan. Nancy Updike edited the show. The people who put our show together include Michael Kamate, Angela Gervasi, Ira Glass, Cassie Howley, Valerie Kipnis, Seth Lind, Miki Meek, Catherine Raimondo, Stone Nelson, Nadia Raymond, Anthony Roman, Alyssa Shipp, Christopher Switala, and Marisa Robertson-Texter. Our managing editor is Sara Abdurrahman.
This American Life
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Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum. Emmanuel Berry is our executive editor. Special thanks today to Hany Hawasli, Laura Albast, Rania Mustafa, Dana Balut, Rachel Strom, Emna Jgal, Lizzie Ratner, and Suzanne Gabber. Thanks also to KCRW in Los Angeles, where I've been recording this week and have had help from Katie Gilchrist, Phil Richards, Mike Stark, and Mike Newport.
This American Life
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Voice over for Asil in Act One was performed by Tara Abood. Our website, thisamericanlife.org. If you become a This American Life partner, you'll get bonus content, ad-free listening, and more. To join, go to thisamericanlife.org slash lifepartners. That link is also in the show notes. This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
This American Life
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I'm Hannah Jaffe-Walt. Ira Glass will be back next week with more stories of This American Life.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
I sent the link above, you idiots, so you can send it to them. Yusuf reshares link. Send them the link. I sent it. Manal, we want to go out tomorrow, to the beach. Okay, why is the group called the Shitty Family? Yeah, who's the son of a gun who names a group? Laughing emoji. Please, isn't this Yusuf's doing? It's Yusuf. I did it for your sake, sister. God bless you. Pride of the Arabs.
This American Life
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Leaving Gaza made Youssef the newest member of a well-established club. There are about 5 million Palestinians living inside the West Bank in Gaza. And the rest, about 9 million Palestinians, live all over the world. People who are trying to maintain family and connections across countries and time zones and bad cell connections.
This American Life
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Today's show is about those conversations inside one family and between friends, colleagues. Yusuf's family agreed to share all the messages they sent back and forth to each other over years. We got them translated. All the late night musings and updates and petty resentments and serious resentments and jokes and plans and fears.
This American Life
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Intimate moments where you can see how these conversations and relationships change over time. How do you keep being a family? And we hear from other people on the outside and others inside, figuring out what to say and what to keep secret. Stay with us.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
It's This American Life, Act 1, I'm fine, don't worry. Within any family, there's the group chat and there's the side chat. The person Yusuf is always checking in with most is his youngest sister in Gaza, Asil. June 2024, Yusuf to Asil. Yo, my sister, please confirm you're well. Asil, I feel like I haven't seen you since the last century.
This American Life
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The thing Yusuf says more than anything else in these chats is, please confirm you're well. The thing Asil says most? I'm fine. Don't worry. Yusuf says Asil is the one in the family who's most like him. Practical, can-do, unfazed, also stubborn. Asil is 10 years younger than Yusuf. She's a nurse. She wants to know things and do things.
This American Life
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She trusts him. When Asil was trying to figure out the safest place to give birth to her first child in a war zone, the person she planned it out with was Yusuf. When she needs advice on anything, Yusuf. In the beginning of their WhatsApp chat after he left Gaza, you can see Yusuf trying to set the terms of their new situation. His point over and over, the important things have not changed.
This American Life
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I'll call every day. Anything you need, I'm here. Yusuf, if you want anything, whatever it is, do not hesitate. Asil jokes, after all, everything is cheap. Yusuf, live and spend. Asil, my dear brother, I swear I want nothing but to see you. I swear I don't need anything. Yusuf, this is my duty, my sister. Just take care of yourself. Asil responds with a voice memo, her and her baby, Sila.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Manal wants to invite us to the beach, Hadil. I want to take you to the beach. When? We're thinking either tomorrow or Monday. I will let my children go, but what day? We're thinking Monday. We need a watermelon. That's the most important thing. You're making conditions as well? The watermelon is more important than you. I'm being mocked. Yusuf, whoever wants to go with us, like this message.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
24 hours later, Yusuf, seemingly concerned that he didn't get his point across, writes, The most important thing is that you do not lack anything. Buy whatever you want. Relationships shift all the time, sometimes suddenly. But the long, slow changes, they can be just as dramatic. Yusuf and Asil lived within walking distance their whole lives. They saw each other in person all the time.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
They shared life, a landscape. And right away, within a week of leaving Gaza, Yusuf realized how much information he gathered just by being there, seeing Asil face to face, seeing what she needed. When he wasn't there, he understood, oh, Asil isn't great at asking for things.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
So every time Asil says, I'm fine, Yusuf has to guess what he can do to help. Four months after he left Gaza, Yusuf was reading and hearing about bombing. Increasingly, the bombing was where she was living. The other sisters were moving. Yusuf figured Asil would too, and made a plan for her to move to a safer area called Al-Mawasi, just like he always did. He would pay for it, of course.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Yusuf to Asil. There's a furnished apartment in this project, $1,000 per month. Asil, oh my god, it's a lot. I don't know if the war will go on longer or not. The amount of money is a lot. Yusuf, call her. You will love it. The next day. Yusuf, have you seen the apartment? It's a good place. Asil, it's forbidden to be extravagant. I didn't go. No. Four hours later.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Asil, it's really nice, honestly, but it's expensive. Yusuf, is it a suitable place? Double question mark. Asil, I'm fine now. If there's an evacuation, I will leave. She did not move to the apartment. Money was becoming an issue between them in a new way. Youssef had always supported a lot of people in the family. But after he left Gaza, he started doing it through Asil.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
She'd tell Youssef who among their family and friends in Gaza needed help. Here's how much. Here's a list. He'd coordinate with her to get the money to them. Asil to Youssef, everyone thinks I'm the finance ministry. Youssef, let them think that. This meant now Asil knew how much money Yusuf was giving out, how many people he was supporting in Gaza.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Not to mention trying to find a place for his family on the outside. Asil didn't want to add to the burden. Asil, don't worry about me, love. You're going to have travel expenses and expenses that will destroy even mountains. Don't send me money until you guys get settled and organize your matters. Yusuf, don't worry. Your brother is strong as a whale.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
As the months passed, Asil continued to lean on Youssef for some things. But she also, quietly, started trying to manage more things on her own. In August, a few months after Youssef left, Asil's baby was suffering from a terrible rash. She couldn't figure out how to treat it. She couldn't find the cream she needed. Asil sent me pictures to see if I had any ideas.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
But she didn't tell Youssef, even though Youssef knows all sorts of medical people in Gaza.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
I will set up a time later. Where? To the beach. But what day? Tomorrow, clown face. Yusuf, who started this group chat for his family, he's been on our show before, Yusuf Hamash. He was a humanitarian aid worker in Gaza, grew up there, lived there his whole life. He started this group chat with his family months before the war, before October 7th, when Hamas attacked southern Israel.
This American Life
861: Group Chat
Keeping things from each other, this became a bigger part of their relationship. Yusuf was traveling around Egypt, England, trying to get asylum somewhere in the world. He told Asil about some of it, and he edited out stuff that would be too sharp a contrast to Asil's life. He'd share a selfie from the train, but he would not tell her about taking the kids to see the pyramids, the Nile.