Halsey
Appearances
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like, novels and, like, just putting myself into, like, other worlds that just felt, like, different than mine.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
she I have okay yeah no I have my mom and I are super close okay yeah she's like my mom is like my my best friend and you know we have talked about it and like I think there's a couple stages of it right because then there's the first part where you have to be like hey why didn't you stand up for me and then there's a second part where you have to be like also I forgive you you were going through a lot and then there's like the third part of it which is like there's still stuff you do today that pisses me the fuck off but I understand why now because
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know you've been conditioned you know what I mean in a certain way and like you have to have just like so much grace and understanding and like at a certain point you have to just decide you have to decide what's forgivable right and some things are and some things aren't like I don't stand by the thing with people where it's like oh like they're your parents like whatever it is it's not that serious like you know
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
um recently yeah okay i didn't mean to when i started it was just a name because my name is ashley frangipani and like you can't you can't be frangipani you know you have to say in your new jersey my name is ashley frangipani so you know there was no that wasn't happening so it was just supposed to be like an easy like moniker yeah and then yeah i would say like a couple years ago i started having thoughts like that were like oh that's very halsey or like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you have to you have to just like make sure you keep the relationship like i don't agree with that at all but then at the same time i also don't agree with the idea of like we should punish our parents forever for what they did to us it's like some things you forgive some you don't and that's up to you to decide that's a good point and it takes so much fucking time because like the resentment i feel like goes in and out like depending at where you're
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Um, I was definitely like, this is an opportunity. You know, I was always like, if there's something I want to try out or someone I want to be like, I can do it here because no one knows me. Oh, interesting. You know, like when I was growing up, I was like, Ashley with a Y. I was like, Ashley with two E's.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Oh, there was like one school I was at for like a really short period of time where I was like, I'm Ashley, but everyone calls me Sky. It's like, not true. I made that up. I was like nine. And then like, it was like years later, I was like in a bar in New York and someone came up to me and they were like, Sky. And I was like, what? And they were like, Sky, like we went to school together.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I was like, bitch, I don't even remember being that person. Which is ironic now because if you know anything about me as an artist, you're like, that tracks. You constantly look and seem and act different.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And he was like, yeah, it's like a drawing of my childhood home. And I was like, bitch, I don't if you asked me what my childhood home was, I can't think of one because like I had so many. Like I can't I can't picture like a childhood home. I was like eight houses, like apartments, like, you know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I mean, I would have to, if I had to pick one that was like my childhood home, like maybe the house I lived in when I was in high school, but that's not really childhood. No, no. You know what I mean? It was like, I lived in so many different apartments. I lived in like Florham Park. I lived in Linden. I lived in Clark. I lived in like Sussex.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I lived in, I just lived in so many different places and all these like little apartments and they're all just kind of this like, this like amorphous goo of like,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
a bedroom and i'm like in there with my little brother and then there's like the kitchen and then like you know like the apartment complexes they all like blend into like one like when i picture it kind of i'm interested to get your take on this like what do you think is the difference between like hyper independence versus loneliness Um, I think it's whether it's forced or it's a choice.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's kind of the difference. I think like if you're choosing to be hyper independent because it's like it's better for you and like you function, you know, better in that way versus if you're forced into hyper independence because you're not trusting or you have like an attachment issue or like, you know, you're, um,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You put a lot of pressure on yourself to succeed or to accomplish. That's kind of that loneliness, that solitude. Would you say you were lonely as a kid? Oh my God, yeah. I was so lonely. I'm still lonely. Loneliness is like when it affects you on... I feel like there's clinical loneliness. There's being sad because something happened and then there's obviously depression, which is clinical.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Well, I dress like this when I'm Ash, and then I dress like this when I'm Halsey. And then I kind of was like, whoa, when did I start differentiating between the two? Like, when did they become two separate things?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I feel like there's a version of that with loneliness. It's like you're lonely because people aren't around and you have no one to hang out with. You're lonely because you're going through something singular. Then there's deep, carnal loneliness. I think that I've definitely felt That way for like a lot of my life. And it's hard to fix. You know, it's like it's hard. It's hard. It's hard to to.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
it's generational you know what i mean like i always say it's like our like a lot of for a lot of us our parents were in the generation of survival we're the first with the luxury of existential thought you know what i mean like they didn't have the luxury to like be um like putting putting thought into you know their existence or like the roles and dynamics at play or like you know the reasons why they're doing something like it was mostly just like surviving yeah you know
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Kind of, yeah. Because I was kind of like, how did it happen?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Well, you know what's funny is I think Ashley is, like... Like, when I'm Ash, like, I'm definitely way more, I think, masculine than when I'm Halsey. And I'm not really certain, like, where that kind of started to divert. You know what I mean? Like, when I'm home, like, I'm like a boy clothes, short hair. Like, not to, like, gender clothes, but, like, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I was, like, really underdeveloped. Okay. You know what I mean? I was, like, really skinny. I, like, didn't hit puberty until, like, a lot later. And I was, like, super nerdy at the glasses and, like, you know. I was, like, yeah, I was just, like, a geek. And then, you know, I hit puberty. And, like, I came back and all of a sudden I had, like, huge tits. And, like, you know, I got contacts.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And, like, I also kind of, like, that was where I sort of entered my, like, I kind of entered my villain era when I was 15, where I was tired of being nerdy and geeky, and I was like, fuck you guys. I actually have really cool interests, and I hang out with adults, which is not good. That's a whole other separate bad thing. We'll get there.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah, but I felt very emboldened by that, and it was just like at school, like...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I don't know, my coping mechanism of not getting along with the kids I went to school with or not really fitting in and having a friend group was by telling myself it didn't matter because I had cooler, more interesting friends and people I knew, most of whom were just online, didn't really hang out with them in real life. And I was like...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know we're talking about like you know intellectual things and like whatever else but yeah I definitely um I feel like everything really changed really fast for me and I went from someone who was like look who looked like a nerdy 10 year old when I was 15 to like someone who was getting like tons of unwanted like sexual attention and I was like what the fuck
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Um, I think it did in like a lot of different ways. The first was I had to like differentiate, you know, between what attention was like kindness and what wasn't. Because my first instinct is I was like, oh, people are being really nice to me now. And I just missed the agenda completely. And like that was really hard to navigate because I didn't have a lot of experience with that. And
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It took me a long time to learn like if someone is like giving you that kind of attention, you're not obligated to return it. I was really afraid of like making people mad or making people not like me. And like, you know, on on like the simplest level, it's like a guy will be like an asshole to you if you are kind of if you reject him. And then on the worst version of it, there's violence.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I'm definitely kind of... I think that Ash is like less provocative. Like I'm very like chill, very patient. You know what I mean? Like very like maternal. And then I feel like Halsey, a lot of people have this idea that I'm like really provocative. And like, you know, I'm like always like yapping. I'm a big yapper. Halsey's a yapper. Ash is not so much a yapper.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know what I mean? So it was kind of like it's. I had to learn how to navigate like I am not obligated to concede or to give in to the sexual pursuit of me just because it's happening.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I definitely wielded sexual power as like a, you know, uh, I don't know, like as a tool of acquisition, you know, like I definitely used it in certain circumstances because it was kind of all that I had. Can you give me an example?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Well, like, you know, if you're in a room full of people, especially men, you know, and in this business, as I was starting my business and I was learning how to navigate the industry is not just like I write songs and like I have to build a business. You know, you're in a room full of people who are more experienced than you. They're older than you. They're richer than you.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
They're very often men, white men, you know, and. At the time, I was... I started out by trying to be like, look how smart I am and look how much I know. And it was kind of like, okay. And I was like, well, that's not working. Okay. And then at a certain time, I think in the beginning, I kind of figured out like... I can make all of these really smart men dumb instantly if I'm just hot.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It's so crazy how fast they become stupid. They have so much power over you in the moment where you're like, oh, the experience, the money, the power, the whatever. And then you have this one little magic trick in your pocket where you can just be like, really? Yeah. And all of a sudden that guy is like, uh, and you're like, oh God, that was so easy.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It's like, why wouldn't you use it if you have it then?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Um, I mean, there's been like a couple times there's definitely like some times where like I was, you know, I was like out with like some collaborators and it was like late and like, um, someone was just like, we were kind of like playfully flirting in a way that was like, seemed really harmless. And then they got like really drunk and they just started kind of like touching me like in public.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I was like, whoa. But at the time, you know, it's like, I was younger then, but it was like, you don't want to cause a scene. You don't want to like, you know, there's other people there. You don't want them to see you freak out. And then they don't want to work with you because they think you're a drama queen and like whatever else.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And, you know, and these are all, like I said, younger people. minded belief systems of mine that have obviously since changed now that i'm older but like it was those kind of things where i was like this is not worth it you know it's because it's becoming unsafe and i uh i don't want you know i don't want this to seem like i'm signing a uh
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I'm signing some sort of invisible contract where I'm promising something to someone, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I mean, I guess it was quite a long time ago. But I was out and I was with this executive, this really powerful executive who works in music in some capacity. And I'd been going out and hanging out with him and some other people at the company. And we were working together. And everything was really fine. It was very just like...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. I think that part of the problem, though, is that, like, you know, people just kind of decide who you are based on, like, when they got to know you. You know what I mean? Like, I've been seeing a lot of that happening. Like, every now and then, like, I'll see, like... a comment under like a picture of like me and my partner.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
celebratory and like there was a lot of like industry talk I didn't feel weird about it at all and I like had like my two managers with me who were kind of like older guys and like I never felt like unsafe or anything we were out one night and like he was like oh like I want to send a photo to like my niece of us together or something like that and I was like okay and I like took out my phone I took like a selfie of the two of us and I handed him my phone and I was like text it to yourself I have to pee and
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And then I went to the bathroom and when I came back, he like handed me my phone like this and I saw he was like going through my nudes on my phone.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I like sat down and I was like, I actually didn't even know what to do. I was just like frozen. I was like, did I just imagine that? Was that an accident? Like- Did the phone, like, scroll up? Like, what the heck just happened? And then I was like, did he text them to himself and then delete the messages? Like, I don't even know where these are now. Like, I was just, like, I was, like, frozen.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I was like, that's so crazy that, like, I'm in this situation where, like, I have so much power. I have a bodyguard. Like, I have a bodyguard. And I have, you know... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And someone's like, I thought she was dating blah, blah, blah. And it's like someone from like six years ago. And I'm like, oh, your update. And like, I don't expect everyone to know everything about me that's going on at any given moment. But like, they just locked in something from like a big press moment or like a time when I was like really on or like they were reading about me a lot.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And they were like, and that's who you are forever. And I'm like, whoa, it's been like six years. So much has happened.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I'm kind of indifferent at this point. It used to be not that way. It used to be just torturous. You know what I mean? I will say it never really felt normal. It still doesn't. I've been doing this for 11 years. You would think at this point that I would just be like, yeah, I'm famous. No, that is not how it is.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
hurting you you know what I mean because like I was always kind of like making excuses for those things and being like oh but what kind of person am I if I leave someone who's like in this great of need and I really needed someone to be like baby that is not your responsibility you know what I mean especially because I was just so young and also I had to unlearn this thing that I was going through at that time where I was like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I've spent so long in just like misery wanting to fix this person. what if they get better one day and then someone else gets to have the better version of them that I worked so hard to build?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And it's like, that is what kept me in it, was being like, well no, one day they're gonna get better and then someone else is gonna get to have the version of them that I always dreamed would existed and all I got was just the suffering and then what am I? I'm just the lesson, I'm the martyr, I'm the catalyst. I exist in their life just so that they could go be better for someone else.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I was determined to not have that because also it felt like losing. I had to also deconstruct that too, that thing of winning and losing. I was like, no, baby, this is your life. This isn't about winning or losing. I don't know. Sorry.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I still wake up every day and not in the like, I wake up every day and I'm like, oh, my God. It's more like I wake up every day and I'm like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? And I think that I also like I've kept like a lot of really normal people around me and
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It's like it is a hard choice. I think that I started learning like in a way you really do become someone when you're spending that amount of time with them and you're like connecting with them on an energetic level that much. We're now like if I look at my partner and I wouldn't want to be them. If I wouldn't want to be just like them, then like I probably shouldn't be with them.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like you should kind of really only be spending that amount of time and putting that much love and connection and vulnerability into a person if like, you know. if you would be okay becoming them as a result. You're preaching right now.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Hmm. I think that I... Well, first of all, I had to change the way that I talk to myself. You know what I mean? Like, I had a therapist once who was like... I was talking to them about a partner, and I was like, they just constantly tell me or make me feel like I'm not special or like I'm embarrassing or like I'm weak or I'm like, I don't know, just like all these things.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know what actually that's the distinction that's when the distinction started happening was that was that when I started to become like a celebrity like the distinction between Halsey and Ashley I think is very much that like Ashley stayed the same you know we're like when I'm out with my friends like my best friend Erica um she's been my best friend since I was like 13 and she's like she says to me like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And the person was like, okay, well, can I ask you a question? Like, do you think you're special? And I was like, no, no. I was like, no, what, like I'm better than everybody else? No, I don't think that she was, that's not what I asked you. I asked you, do you think you're special? And I was like, no. And she was like, and what do you tell yourself?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like in those situations, like how do you talk to yourself? And I was like, well, I just try to remind myself like, you know, like you have to be humble and like you're not better than everybody else and like you're not special and like, you know, and she was like, okay. She was like, so if that's how you talk to yourself, then when someone else talks to you the same way,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you're not going to notice that that's out of the norm. You know what I mean? Like that's, if you're communicating with yourself in that way, like if you believe those things, you know what I was like, yeah, but it's one thing for me to humble myself, but I want my partner to build me up. And they were like, no, you have to build yourself up.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Everyone calls me Ash. My son just started calling me Ash. I was like, you better- Get it together. I'm mommy to you, okay? He's like, I'm going to have to make myself a shirt that says, call me mommy. I'm upset. He goes, Ash. I'm like, mm-mm. He goes, well, I want to call you Ash. I'm like, well, you can't. You can't. I'm mother. I know.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
That's not, you can't depend on another person to do that, which was a really interesting conversation because I feel like sometimes we go into therapy so often when we're struggling with relationships and we're like, what's wrong with all these people? And then there comes a part where you have to take responsibility.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know, like one of the things I had to take responsibility for to end up in a healthy relationship was sort of this like toxic empathy and like this sort of like toxic, not like people pleasing, but I was like,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I was realizing that if I don't set clear boundaries for myself and people repeatedly cross those boundaries, it's my fault because I'm not communicating with them or giving them a chance to learn that that's a boundary. And then also it's building up, building up, building up, building up, and then I'm blowing up out of resentment.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
But they're confused because I never told them that that boundary was being crossed. And so that was a moment of where I was like, oh God, like I have to also take a responsibility, you know, or like, cause I went through a phase I think where I was really like, I don't even like, I don't even ask my partner for anything. Like I take care of all my own stuff.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I don't bring myself into the relationship. Like I'm not asking them to like support me or emotionally, whatever. Like I literally just like, I take care of all my own shit and I take care of them. And like, still they can't even like be there for me in the 5% I'm actually asking them to. And she was like, well, you're not showing up honestly. She was like, you're not being yourself.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
She was like, you think that they're being, like, dishonest or they're being disingenuous. Like, bitch, so are you. And just because you think it's in a nice way doesn't mean that it's okay. Like, this, like, self-sacrificing act or whatever is actually you showing up and lying to them. And that shook me because when she first said it, I was like, well, no, I'm – I didn't do anything wrong.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I was like, why are you telling me I did something wrong? And then I had to look at that and I had to be like, damn, okay, you're right. You're right. If I'm showing up dishonestly, even if it's well intending, I'm just as bad as them.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah, I think like, you know, if you are like anxiously attached, like you kind of get those feelings of like nervousness, like, and it's really easy to misinterpret those. I said this a long time ago. I have like a song from like a couple years ago from an album, Manic, a song called Graveyard. Like in the bridge, I say it's funny how the warning signs can feel like butterflies, you know.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Once a month or a couple times a month, we'll be out somewhere doing something and someone will be like, oh, can I picture this? Like a paparazzi or whatever. And she'll be like, dude, I just forget you're famous every day. That's the best. I just forget all the time. And she's lived with me. She's been around for every step of the journey. She's backstage at the VMAs with me.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And so like I've kind of touched on this before. Panic attack is like a more expanded version of it, which is like, you know, there is that moment kind of of like, you know, your heart's freaking beating out of its chest when their name pops up on your phone. What's that about? Is it because you're now entering this like dopamine cycle of like, you know, you actually aren't sure.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like if you're not sure they're going to answer you and then it excites you and they do. I don't think that's love. I don't think so. You shouldn't be putting that level of energy into a person if you're not sure that they're going to have the decency to respond to your message.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
it is it's absolutely addictive it's just like a cycle of like norepinephrine like that's like an adrenaline chemical you know what i mean and like dopamine and like you start to build patterns and like neural pathways to the ups and downs of feeling that like rejection validation rejection validation rejection validation and i remember when i kind of like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
when I had some distance from my most toxic relationship and I was in relationships that were a little bit more content, I do remember at times being kind of like, And I don't want to say this is any kind of like diss to the people who might hear themselves in this conversation. Because, you know, this isn't a diss. But I did find myself kind of bored.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And like not bored with them, but bored with the lack of intensity and the lack of the up and down. And kind of just like wondering if... because I had experienced such highs and lows in a toxic relationship, if every other form of love was gonna feel like less than satisfactory to me. So...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
real yeah like that's so fucking real it's not true because i'm very much in love now and i'm getting all yeah i mean all the i see that ring girl i i will say to anyone listening that's not true but i do think there's a period of time where like safety comes where you just kind of feel like it just doesn't hit the same right and like you can't go back i did i definitely was like oh i wonder if i'm just gonna be like what is it for me is it contentment is it settling
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And then the next day, she's like, I forget you're famous. We were at the VMAs yesterday. How did you forget? And she's like, you just are still so you're exactly the same as you were.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Is it settling for safety? Do I get to have that same intensity without all of the danger, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It's like, what if we told you that like 10 people died on that ride like last week? And you're like, well, it was fun, though.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
when you do get out of them i guess you just answered it of like what do you learn about yourself then when you get into new relationships that aren't as volatile and it's like i guess your answer was like kind of learning to be okay with peace a little bit yes and no okay because then what happened was is i was like okay i guess this is it i guess i'm just settling for contentment and then i realized that that wasn't true either that was me putting safety before my happiness
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You will. You have to heal first. When you get out, it's not going to feel that way right away because you need to heal. And then like that new healed version of you is going to like, you know, I don't know. It's kind of like when you get a wound.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
and then you know the wound hurts and it hurts and it hurts but at least you're feeling something and then it scars and the scar is numb and you're like i don't have no feeling here but then eventually new skin grows and you get to feel again but it's not it doesn't hurt you know what i mean no it's so it's so hard to tell people when they're in it we're like i'm
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think the one thing I've been really smart about is they're never my songs. I'm always on their songs. And I'm like, that's your problem, not mine. I get to do my whole catalog and I don't have to deal with you. So like, sorry that some of your biggest songs have me on them. I don't know what to tell you.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
But I tend to be sort of the gatekeepy about my art for that same reason where I'm like, yeah, I'll get on your thing. But like... Not mine. You know, like this needs to this. I need to preserve this for for myself. You know, I think whether I'm on a record with someone in our in like, you know, the relationship changes or not, or I just wrote a song about them, like songs just carry so much.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
cellular energy but the good thing about them is that they do evolve you know what I mean like I've gotten on stage and sang the same song like over like I've I've been singing without me for fucking years you know and every time I sing it it feels different feels like it's about a different thing and like you know I have so many songs that are about so many different times in my life or like experiences and like I don't know I think that I think that
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I'll never shy away from being honest, you know, it's like, and if you have to deal with the consequences of that later, then so be it. But like, I would rather regret, I'd rather regret being honest.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
honest and being reflective of where I was in my life at that time than regret not saying something or doing something that I wish that I had I don't know I just it's a great fucking answer yeah no features on this album though just me nobody else getting in the way of my narrative period um there is a ring on your finger we've gone through childhood we've gone through your previous relationships and going through the mud to get to congratulations you're engaged yes thanks
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I have to get all the tea from you.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
So he proposed in Barcelona. It's kind of like... Where we first started hanging out. So it's like really special to us because we had this like kind of this like these few days where we were like we're hanging out a bunch. And it was very like not, you know, I wasn't sure that I was ready. And so it's kind of like, you know, but I was also kind of like, you're literally the best.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
like most amazing like smartest hottest nicest person i've ever met in my life so also like please don't go anywhere i'm gonna i'm trying to figure it out like you know what i mean stay here yeah give me a little time yeah and uh you know so he yeah he proposed in barcelona it was really sweet and um
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
immediately afterwards left to go shoot a show for like six months in Canada and I was like okay bye stop yeah so we we haven't really had like the chance to be like engaged right you know what I mean um but he's coming home and you know just the time for me to go start like all the album promo or whatever and um you know I think we're gonna get to have like our our time then but I never wanted to be married interesting never never what changed
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah. I don't know. I never thought that I would ever want to be married. And then like... I just knew I wanted to marry him. And I couldn't explain why. Because I would deconstruct marriage from such a logical perspective beforehand. I was so practical, survival, fiscal about it. The way that I always broke down marriage.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I couldn't really understand the point of marrying just from an emotional point of view. It was like, well, if you love each other, then just be together. Why do you get married? I didn't understand it. And then, I don't know, it was just something with him where I just knew I wanted to marry him. And I can't even explain why, you know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Because I love him in such a way that I feel like we would be just as fine if we didn't. But something about that makes me want to do it more.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
we met kind of just like floating around he was like floating around europe and so was i we were both doing like some like fashion week stuff and some like i was playing some festivals and like you know we i'd we'd been like aware of each other like we followed each other on instagram you know what i mean it was like And neither of us can really remember if we had like met in passing before that.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Well, I'm pretty boring. I didn't used to be. I got it out of my system. You know what I mean? I had a couple years where I look back on it and cringe into a black hole when I see those photos. But I'm also really grateful for them because I just did it in a contained set of years. And then I'll never have to do it again. So like now I'm just boring.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think I would remember, so I don't think we have. You know what I mean? But I always had like a weird feeling about him, you know? And then, you know, I got pregnant and I was, you know, with my son's father and then like I didn't have any feelings about anyone because I was like super committed to like making my family work and like, you know, this new life as like a mom with like my son.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And so like... um i wasn't really thinking about any of that kind of stuff and then i became a single mom and i was like i am never dating anyone ever again and it's gonna be i had so much to figure out i was like it's just me and my son and like you know and i was also really sick i was really sick in like a life changing way yep i was like not thinking about dating at all
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah, and so then we met. We, like, met up for a drink one night. And I just remember walking into this bar, this, like, hotel bar. And he was, like, sitting in this, like, little beer garden at the hotel. And I, like, walked in and I saw him. And the only way I can explain it is, like... You know in, like, a vampire movie when the vampire, like, glamours you?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like, they do that thing that makes you, like, yes, whatever. Like, it felt like that was happening to me. Like, I walked in all, like... I walked in and I was like, hey. And he was like, hi. And I was like, hi. Hi. Okay.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
No, he straight up mind tricked me. And he wasn't doing it on purpose. He just is very charming. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah, and I was just like, whoa. There was just this warmth and this light just like,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
emanating off of him it was so compelling it was so alluring I just like sitting at the table just wanted to lean over the table sit closer to him like I was so just like yeah drawn to him like I don't know how to explain it it was so it was different than like when you meet someone and you're like I could see this working and I'm like planning in my head and I'm like doing the calculation of like how this would work out and like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
okay, you're like that and I'm like this and this would be good. It was just like, I was like, whoa. I was head empty. I was not head full of, I'm going to get in math. I was head empty. I was just like, hi. It was crazy.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Hmm. That's hard. I mean he's so like freakishly like adjusted isn't the right word but like there's nothing I could ever bring up that would freak him out. There's like no conversation we can't have like in like a like he's so solution oriented like everything between the two of us is always like it's always with the, the goal of solution and bettering.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And like, you know, we're never like locked into like, who's going to win this or who's going to whatever. Also, he's just like, I remember when I first started seeing him, I was like, what's it going to be? I was like, you are super successful. You've been in this business for a really long time. You're smoking hot, and everyone on the planet knows it. I was like, what's wrong with you?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And he was so nice and he was so family oriented. And I was like, oh, you're about to be the biggest psychopath of them all.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You're about to be the final boss. You can't be like this. I was like, there's going to be, whatever's wrong with you is going to be FBI's most wanted. You're going to be secretly have bodies in your basement. You have to have the worst thing ever wrong with you. And then it was like, I was kind of unsure for a while. And then as time went on, well, first I met his parents and they're
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
fucking lovely and so that's where i was kind of like oh maybe this is real maybe he is just that great because he's great parents right like raised him really well yep and then you know he he has got he has relationship with my son now you know i'm just like watching the way that he shows up for my son in like such a authentic way i was like okay you really are just like the best person and then came the panic of me being like well i don't deserve someone that great
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And so I had to kind of like, it was short lived, but I had that little process of like, whoa, my God, if he really is that great, then like, what the hell is he doing with me? And then I had to kind of like, I had to start seeing myself I had to value myself more, you know what I mean? Where I had to be like, well, I'm also really ambitious and I'm a really good mom.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And like, I create like a really welcoming and like safe environment. I'm really patient. I'm really communicative and I'm rational and I am, you know, supportive and proactive. And like, I had to start seeing myself like in that way. to have peace and to not enter like a cycle of insecurity, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Oh, my God. There's like so many pictures of me just like fucked up, like leaving a club, like like. paparazzi, it's like three in the morning, I'm like, what are you doing? But also I was like 22, you know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
like you know skirt past this like you know this has changed the entire dynamic of my life like it's changed everything about like my own feelings of hurt and wanting to act on those versus like what's right for my child and like you know i had to i had to like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I had already like speed run grown up when I became a mom, but then I had to like secondary like speed run grow up where like I grew out of that not wanting to be inconvenient or not wanting to be a problem or not wanting to be clingy or not wanting to be extra. Like I had to grow out of that to date again as a single mom, whereas like I wasn't in a situation where like, you know.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I couldn't be in a situation where I'm texting a guy or a girl, talking to whoever, and I'm like, hey, so do you want to make plans for next week? And they're like, oh, I'm not really big into plans. I'll see you when I see you. I couldn't be like, okay. I'm a mom. I have a schedule. Do you want to see me or not? And if you don't, then bye. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And so it was like, it forced me out of being able to accidentally...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
So when I see that I'm gentle with myself about it, but like, or like times where I like, I don't know, there's stuff that's like maybe cringe, but also maybe part of me, I'm a little bit like,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think it's, you know, it's sort of It's like a double entendre. You know, like on the one hand, I think it kind of touches on some of what we've talked about this time was me figuring out that Halsey's kind of serving as more of an alter ego than like just a stage name. Yep.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And like kind of admitting that and like coming forward and being like, I've built a career off of being really honest and authentic. And maybe I haven't been as honest and authentic as I thought the past couple of years. Maybe I have more to say. And what forced me into that was obviously getting so sick that I thought I was going to die.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know, like, when you think you're gonna die, you have an existential crisis that is just, like, indescribable to your former self. Like, you kind of have to, like, live through it to understand it. And, like, I just started looking at myself and being like, okay, if you do die, is this...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you're happy with this this is how everyone's gonna remember you it's like the last thing you did last thing you said like have you know we tell ourselves a lot of time we have more time and like we do but like nothing is promised to us so there's times where i was like like example like the song about my dad i told you it was like i was like i'll do it on the next album i'll do it on the next album because i was too scared and with this one i was like might not be a next album bitch put it out speak your truth there might not be a next album
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
go off like you know like I like I clapped back at someone or I like you know like I went off or something like that and like I see that and I'm like gosh you were so angry and so confused and so like overwhelmed and like you had no one to help you so I have like a lot of compassion for that version of me but then there's also times where I'm like girl shut up you know I'm like shut up no I think that's like no matter if you're famous or not like people can look back at old Facebook photos and be like what was I up to totally what was going on there Alex
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know, and so it kind of like forced me into the situation where I was like, I have to just act and do and be as truthful as I possibly can. But I started thinking about fate a lot. I started thinking like, okay, does everything happen for a reason, right? Like I'm born in 1994. is that how I end up Halsey? Is because I'm born at the right time, at the right moment.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
If I'm born 10 years earlier, five years later, do I end up famous? Do I end up an art teacher? Do I end up in jail? What am I? I was like, what if I debuted in the 70s? What if I debuted in the 80s, the 90s? I started exploring all these different versions of me, making music in different decades. In a sense, I'm impersonating other
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know, stars of that time and kind of doing an exploration or like a thought experiment on that. Cause it's like the big thing that kept coming up when I got sick was a lot of people
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
like in the medical field were pretty adamant with me like you're sick because of your job interesting some said it just directly and some you know and not so many words just kind of like well like stress and like lack of sleep and traveling and jet lag poor nutrition putting strain on your body like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
these things can trigger autoimmune diseases and the particular autoimmune disease that have lupus can trigger um you know it can trigger leukemia lymphoma like a lot of a lot of like blood cancers and like lymph cancers are more more common in people who have chronic you know autoimmune conditions so they all kind of just trickle down to this like you're stressed out all the time
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
kind of thing so that led me to be like you know becoming Halsey was like the craziest thing that's ever happened to me in my life but like is this a consequence of that you know and like does it go this way no matter what if I become Halsey's is how my life goes am I a single mom am I sick am I like is there any way to like beat that fate or beat that destiny can I ask like how are you feeling today pretty good yeah I like I came back from
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I came back from New York. I was there for the VMAs and I noticed I was kind of starting to have a flare, like a lupus flare. And I haven't had one in a little while because, you know, my disease has been like, you know, in remission. And I was kind of like.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
thinking about it I was thinking about like a lot of my fans or a lot of my audience that's also dealing with chronic illness they say to me all the time like I don't know how you do that like you must be so much stronger than me like I can really get out of bed or I can really go to school and I'm like whoa whoa whoa I don't want you thinking that I'm stronger than you or like you can't accomplish as much as me like I went and did the VMAs I worked really hard that whole week and then I had a flare as a consequence of that that's reality that's the risk and
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you guys like the fans like you're the reward yeah and i have to kind of like balance that every time i do something it's just like knowing that that's a possibility and kind of adapting to that new normal and like so what happens then is like i have to rest or i have to go get treatment or i have to like you know
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I have to change certain things, but it's by no means because like I'm built differently than anyone else. It's like I'm also in a significant position of privilege compared to most people who are dealing with chronic illness, you know, in terms of like, you know, the treatments I can get, the access that I can get.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And so I'm just using all of those things to kind of to mitigate what is my new normal, right? I definitely had a situation like a couple weeks ago. And that's why I'm kind of like chuckling to myself about this flare because I did the thing where I was like, I'm feeling so good. I don't know if I need treatment anymore. And so I was like, I'm going to stop treatment.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
like i don't want to put this stuff in my body like i'm gonna be fine it's like also like bitch you didn't learn your lesson you did that with antidepressants like first of all but then like you know i was like i'm feeling really good like i don't think i need to do it anymore and like you know i'm putting all this these medicines in my body and like maybe i can just do it with like diet and like with whatever and i stopped for like a little bit i like skipped a treatment and
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
immediate flare I was like on the flight home and like one of the first signs of a lupus flare is you get this butterfly shaped rash across your cheeks yeah I got up to like go use the restroom on the plane I looked in the mirror and I was like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you've got to be fucking kidding me and i kind of like had to like i like walk ashamed back to my seat and like sat down and was like damn that was a sad moment for me because i was like i had felt so good like you know it was like on tv and on the carpet i was like i'm doing it again i'm great and everything's good and like it made me like kind of emotional because i was kind of like i'm still sick that's still reality
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Like this is forever now. That was hard. You know, I couldn't just be like, well, that was crazy. Those two years. Ha ha ha. Moving on. Like I had to be like, no, this is still this is forever. I'm still like coming to terms with that like little by little.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I mean, I didn't go to college, you know what I mean? So I didn't have, like, those years. And it's funny, the same, like, I feel like the same people who will pass judgment for, like, photos of me in, like, my 20s. Like, not even in my 20s, like, at 20. You know, because I was 19 when I wrote my first album. And...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
what is the hardest song that like you wrote to write the life of the spider really yeah that was like the hardest it's like just like me and a piano kind of sounds like a voice note like a little bit and every time I hear it I cry just like hearing my voice like in that state And I wrote that song about being sick and about just like feeling like such a burden and also just feeling disgusting.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I felt so gross and so terrible about myself when I was sick. It's like, you know, I was like, I was really gaunt and like my face changed and my face had just, my face and body had just changed because I just had a baby. You know, I was pregnant and like, I went through all those changes and then it changed again like this when I got sick so fast, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I was, like, vomiting but then, like, you know, I was, like, brushing my teeth made me scared because I was scared it was going to induce more vomiting and, like, I was... I was just so sick and so gross.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And, like, I felt revolting. Like, I didn't feel good about myself at all and, like, you know, I felt... I felt, you know, kind of trapped in, like, this cycle of feeling resentment from people close to me, you know? Some real, some imagined, you know? Think both. Classic. And just kind of this feeling of, like, everyone had depended on me for so long. Mm-hmm.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I kind of, like, it was a hell of my own design because I told everybody for so long, like, I don't need help. I can take care of myself. And then I needed help. And everybody was like, what do you mean? Like, you conditioned us to believe that you take care of yourselves. And now you're getting mad at us because we're not helping. But we don't know how to because you've never let us before.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
You know? And so that was really, really hard. But also just kind of feeling like, God, how dare I inconvenience you so much by –
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know there's like pictures of me from that time and people are like oh gosh like and I feel like there's this almost indication of like no class and I'm like what if I were at like a university and like these pictures were just like on Facebook or like whatever and I was just like going like you would just consider that a natural part of me like finding myself and like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
But because there's this extra set of expectations, I think there's a separate judgment that's passed. And I try to contextualize it that way and be like, girl, you would have been doing the same thing if you stayed in Jersey, if you went to Rutgers. You know what I mean?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I don't know how to explain it to him in a way that doesn't sound so... Like, psychotically, like, you have to respect me and give me this name. Like, there's no way to explain it. Like, he's like, why can't I call you Ash if everyone else does? I'm like, that's a great question. No, it's true. But I just don't like it.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
choose okay I think it kind of I just like write what I'm feeling there's a song on this album called hurt feelings and it's about my dad I've written a song about my dad every single album and every single time just when we get to the time where we're deciding the track list I cut the song because I'm like I can't do it I'm too scared I'm too scared I'm too scared and this time I didn't and I put it on the album and that was like a moment for me where I was like okay this is something I have kept private but now I feel ready to like get out there and I feel like
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
He doesn't know it's gonna be on the album. We have a pretty complicated relationship, which is like, I don't think that's groundbreaking. I feel like a lot of, young women have complicated relationships with their fathers.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think for me especially, I started making music when I was 18 and it kind of started to blow up when I was 19 and it just changed everything about our family's dynamic because I became the breadwinner and I became kind of like, in a way, I became like the matriarch, patriarch of my family.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And I think that, you know, for a man who like spent his whole life, like working really hard to support his family. And then, you know, I kind of come in and I'm like still a kid to him. And I take that role. I imagine that's probably just like conflicting, you know, and like an existential level. And it definitely showed up in our relationship. And so it's like affected it since. Yeah.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
It's so hard. I'm like one of those people that doesn't remember like a lot of their childhood. I had like a really, I had like a really hectic childhood. My parents really young when they had me, they dropped out of college. They met at Fairleigh Dickinson in Jersey and, And then they were like 19 or 20 when they got pregnant. They'd only known each other for like a couple months.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And, you know, they both dropped out and started their family with me. We moved all the time. Every year we moved. Like I wasn't out of school until like high school. I wasn't out of school longer than like two years. And I was always starting over in a new place. We were just trying to go where there was like cheaper apartments, better jobs and parents working like multiple jobs and like.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
My experience felt so irrelevant to what they were going through. You know what I mean? I think that when I look back on my childhood, my experience was very much to just not get in the way because of how hard it was. And I failed at that miserably. I was getting in the way all of the time.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
you know what I mean and then I feel like that has probably attributed to like why I am in like the line of work that I'm in because it's like you know we're all looking to satisfy some sort of like I don't want to say need for attention because I feel like that's like derogatory but like maybe like we're looking for our voice and our experience to matter, you know?
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Yeah, you're three. Right. You can call me Ash later. Like, it's, like, it's so funny. Yeah, it's crazy.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
My parents were like really like. I guess kind of volatile. Like, they were either, like, super in love and, like, cuddled on the couch, like, laid the fuck up, like, you know, going on dates, like, obsessed with each other like kids. Or they were, like, at each other's throats. There was, like, no in between. And, you know, like...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I've actually never really talked about this before, but my household was like pretty... My household was pretty volatile. You know what I mean? Like there was a lot of like... There was a lot of like aggression. You know what I mean? And aggression just like thrown in every direction. Like, you know, and...
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think that it's so funny because it's so obvious that you witness that, you form that as your perception of, not necessarily of what love is, but what's acceptable in love. And then you apply that. When I look on past relationships of mine, I'm like, Okay. I'm like, literally, this is two plus two equals four. Like, it's so simple. You know what I mean? It's fucked.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
Some people do. Like I think it's kind of interchangeable at this point. I like answer to it the same way as if it was my name. It feels the same in my body. It does. You know, like it feels like it's like it registers the same emotionally as if someone says Ash or Ashley.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I know. And then it's funny because you think you do the work and then, like, a different trauma sneaks up on you where it's like, okay, so you're like, all right, I'm going to tolerate, like – violence or aggression or like whatever it is because I experienced it. But now I'm going to unlearn that so it never happens again.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And then you get into another relationship and you're like, this one's better because it's not like the last one. And then like a different thing sneaks in, you know what I mean? Where it's like the person's like putting you down or they're like, I don't know, like gaslighting you or like whatever. And you're like,
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
I think I kind of coped in that way or just like waited for it to be over. You know what I mean? Also, like it changes hands when you're in a household like that. Like it usually starts and it's like you can kind of feel it happening to your mom. And I'm the only daughter and the oldest. Okay, wow. So there was definitely a point where like the target kind of changed to me.
Call Her Daddy
Halsey: Power Dynamics & Toxic Relationships (FBF)
And you feel, I think, really alone in that sort of situation. Yeah. I definitely just mostly coped by writing. I've always been a writer, like, my whole life. And, you know, I, like, used to keep journals and, like, keep diaries and stuff like that. And I read a lot. And I was someone who kind of, like – I was into escapism for sure. Yeah. You know what I mean?