Gene Simmons
Appearances
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Yeah. I guess the LBGTXYPTSXYZ allodocious people are, in fact, accurate. Men can give birth. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Gene Simmons' band, about a year ago, we sold Kiss to a company called Pop House for $100 billion.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Well, you sold all of it. The underlying rights and the songs.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And your likeness, too, as well, right? Not under the makeup. Oh. Oh.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No. It happened... You know, they call it a singularity in science. 52 years ago, something like that, where four knuckleheads off the streets of New York with... No experience, no resume, no qualification. And I remember even back then, we had this strange notion, let's put together the band we never saw on stage.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, because, and chicks understand this, but they don't talk about it. You want to go to a club. It's okay if I call you a chick because it's very complex with you guys. I'm a woman, I'm a chick, I'm a girl. Don't call me a girl. We're just like assholes. We don't care. So you get a phone call. Come on down to the club. It's a lot of fun. Oh, good. What's everybody wearing?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, they're all dressed in little black dresses. So what are you going to do? You're going to put on a red outfit because you want to stand out in the crowd. I don't ask, what are the guys wearing? You just show up. Yeah. Yeah. So you want to stand out in the crowd because we're visually stimulated. Ever since we roamed... the flat plains of Africa as Australopithecines.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Australopithecus africanus then changed to Australopithecus afarensis, which was found in what was then known as the Olduvai Gorge in Tanganyika by L.S. Leakey. I told you I was a teacher. Yeah, so we are visually stimulated. And all the stuff in the past, we still have. The tail and, you know, all that stuff.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, so it happened one day. One of us, nobody knows who, said, let's go down to Woolworths, which was kind of a department store. And it was close to Halloween. And so all the fun bits, the whoopee cushions and the ice cubes with plastic ice cubes with flies in it. So you can...
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I'm always fascinated by you guys, you know, because it's a different culture. You go out there without effects, without screens and things and all that stuff, and you're out there bare. So I'm going to turn the tables on you. At some point in your life, you overcame that thing of, I don't want to be judged, right? Oh. Right? Because everybody at a certain age, very young. And then you broke free.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
do that and the frogs that made that so you can put it under the girls dresses because we like to hear them go like that and we went in that section and i remember all four of us for no reason at all bought stein's clown white i'd never heard of it seen it anything we just oh clown white put it on the white we didn't have an idea how do i look oh there we go and Makeup artist.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Nothing to do with us. We always put our own makeup on. But the fans kept doing that. Anyway, and you can see Lenny Kravitz when he was a kid. All kinds of people. He was thrown out of school for coming. for coming to school dressed in my face.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Nobody knew what they were doing. It's like kids playing in mud. Yeah, nobody can lay claim to it. It just happened. And we didn't have experience or anything, but somehow we knew we have to protect this. And so for the first time ever... In all of pop culture, actors, actresses, everything, we trademarked the designs of our faces. Wow, that's so smart.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So you could have face masks like our current president or any president, Johnny Carson, whoever, and they don't get a penny. You put my face mask on you, I take your firstborn.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
The four of them. You read. I'm Jewish, so we're people of the book. You read a lot. And all the information, this is before it was here. Yeah. All the information of mankind. And I think it's fair to say mankind because we didn't allow you to do anything. It's true. Yes. So all the highways, everything created. This was invented in Israel by Motorola. Yeah, the technology. Really?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
One of the top three patent invention trademarks on the planet. Star Wars technology, pills that you can swallow and you don't have to open up a body. It's exploratory. Yeah. Those clever Jews. By the way, you know, I finally figured out why all the chicks love Jesus.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, you're funny. I don't think about it. Just life's kind of a joke and you have to have a sense of humor about it and then you die.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, it's all Shannon. The heartbeat, the moral compass, our mothers.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
You want to hear something crazy? Please. So... We start, it's kind of crazy.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So we started about, anyway, the first show, we came out, as it were, New Year's Eve, 1973, 74, the Academy of Music, New York City. Within one year and a half, within a year and a half, even before we were signed, we were headlining Anaheim Stadium.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
On top of bands that had been around for 20 years and all that. A year and a half. Now, by the way, this is before cell phones, before MTV. You still had to put coins. I think at that point it was 10 cents and with a rotary thing. And you should see modern day kids trying to figure out what that is. I know. They're pressing and all that stuff.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, no, there is such a thing. We didn't know what the word marketing meant. If you have the right thing, even though you think it's for that, and you're at the right place and the right time, your chances are much higher. So we happen to be this idea of putting on makeup with the things and looking different. Mm-hmm. Than what everybody else is.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And for no reason in the world, sticking my tongue out, I have no idea what I was doing. Except that in sixth or seventh grade, I used to do that because the chicks, you know, would make that sound that turkeys make when they're about to get their heads chopped off.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
But I didn't know when I stuck my tongue out. You want me to put what? Where? I didn't know that.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And I had to be careful when I stuck my tongue out because not all the floors were clean. Did you get that one? Yes. Yes. Some were dirty. And... That was a great laugh. So... Nobody can lay claim to it. We just happen to find each other. And in retrospect, it's fair to say not every person is designed to run a marathon.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So the two original guys, Ace and Peter, were great in the beginning, but it didn't last long. You know, once... In the beginning, there was no drugs and alcohol, maybe outside the band. But once they got money and the money came in fast, we used to put in order forms in the albums. So you can put $5, $10, $20 before the post office became, you know, a crook haven.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And night and day, we would open these envelopes for T-shirts, belts. We had four envelopes. warehouses operating 24 hours a day in the valley in 1976, fulfilling orders. Nobody's ever done that before, during, or since. No. Well, during, we did. And in 1979, 20th Century Fox's... Top two licensing and merchandising things were Star Wars and Kiss.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
We were going to do a Kiss Barbie. We had Kiss. You kissed dolls.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
There have been more items. Here comes the joke. This is true. We have had kiss condoms, kiss caskets. We got you coming and we got you going. But it's true. Dimebag Darrell, the guitar player in Pantera, passed away on stage. Some idiot, a psycho, shot him on stage while they were doing a show. And his last will and testament was to be buried in a kiss casket. Wow. Yeah, we sent it to him. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
That's crazy. Are you going to be buried in a kiss casket? I don't think I'll know. But you know what I'd like to do is to have the biggest party in the world invite everybody just to have a party and forget about the problems of the world. And if you want to talk about me, celebrate my life, not my death. We're all going to have a turn.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So actually Jews, I think, have a better idea than Roman Catholics, which is... You have an open casket so everybody can really be miserable and see how awful it is. And in Judaism, you must cover the body immediately and bury it within 24 hours. But don't you sit shiver? You do. But you don't have a corpse looking at you.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, you're not allowed. That's just for the family. Because if you're Bedouins and you come from the desert, anything is fair game for predators. So you had to bury it. Immediately. Yeah, because they could smell it and all that.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Except for that first time, apparently, where I blew you off. Well, that's better than I blew you. Actually, it might not be.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Well, that was probably not the place because all the chicks who were lifted and separated and pointed in my general direction probably were only interested in what room after the show.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It was rare. For real? Yeah. Well, they were not the highest form, but you can't have the stuff and the stuff. Shannon's got it. Yes, she does. Well...
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So that's funny because she told me to fuck off right away.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Yeah, but there's a backstory that's very bizarre. Accidentally, I started living with Cher. And she... It's funny, at a certain age, the kids don't know the famous fleeting. And... So two years or whatever on, I had to move back to New York. We lived in Malibu at her place. And I had to go buy a Christmas present. I go, I don't know what to buy you. You have everything.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
She said, go and call my best friend, Diana Ross. She'll tell you. She'll take you shopping. OK. Well, it didn't take long. And Diana gave me chocolate cake and then a second slice. And then we started a thing and they stopped being friends for a while. And then, you know, Kiss was touring and all that. And then I was shooting a film. I was a bad guy in a movie called Runaway.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
That's ahead of its time. Those things are now pretty commonplace. They go ahead of the cars and they short circuit the cars they're chasing so that they stop going.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
You're very kind. So during a weekend, I'd be bringing chicks up to Vancouver where we shot. And one of them said, you know, I miss October or something. There's going to be a Playboy party at the mansion called Midsummer Night's Dream. I go there and I get, I'm going to shortcut the story. I get introduced to Shannon and Tracy Tweed, who both appeared on Playboy.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And Shannon's been on, she was a Playmate of the Year at that time. And so I met them, and my silk pajamas, you could tell what religion I was in. You understand?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And otherwise, we would be the biggest, you know, because they cut half of it off. And that's why Jewish women cannot, cannot stay away from Jewish men. Anything with 20% off. So... That's interesting. So I am bewitched by this chick. She's six feet tall, blonde hair and all that stuff, but a farm girl.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
She comes from a family of seven, and we're talking, talking, and she takes me by the hand and leads me into the main house. And just like in James Bond, you've got books and everything, and she presses a button, and it opens up, and we start going down the stairs. Underneath that, where there's like a pool table, only room for two or three people.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Normally, I would have mounted that before you spelled out my name. But I was fascinated by Shannon. You know, who are they? Where you come from? And all we did was talk. I didn't even kiss her or hold her hand or anything. Oh, really? That's really interesting. You know, we're just finding out about each other. She comes over and gives me her phone number. And I said, I'm gonna call you tomorrow.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And so I went back to the Beverly Hills Hotel and I always stay in single rooms, no suites, none of that stuff. It's interesting, if you're not Jewish, it's frugal. But if you're Jewish, yeah, cheap. But I never threw the money around, I still don't. And I'm sitting, the next day, early in the morning,
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
You know, the single rooms, the bed is here and the door is right there and the bathroom is right there. And you see this photo coming under the thing because previous to that, I kept calling the phone number. Hello. Hi, it's Gene Simmons. It's Shannon. No, it's not here. Oh, come on. She told me to call her. This is a phone number, you know, 9445. And let's put her on. She said to call her.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No, I don't know what you're talking about. And he hung up the phone. And I kept calling a few times. I go, holy fuck, what the hell? Couldn't figure it out. And I'm watching TV in front of me, and I see the photo being stuck under the table. What happened to your meeting, by the way?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So the photo comes underneath, and it's her Playmate of the Year photo. And on the back, it's clearly handwritten, well... I'm used to gentlemen, and a gentleman, if he gets a phone number of a woman who puts it, at least calls her. And I'm thinking to myself, what's she talking about? I called her a few times, never got through. And on the bottom, the last number was different.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It was four instead of five. I go, what the fuck? So I finally called her on the phone. You know, the phone number was four. Yeah. And she completely ignores everything and goes, yeah, whatever. So what are you going to do? You're going to come over or what? Yeah. In those days, I didn't drive. I had a guy who drove me around. I was 34. I didn't know how to drive. But if you...
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And it's not even a joke. You were a New York kid. Yeah, what do you do in New York? You hop a cab or go to Subway. So I go back to New York, and I arrange for Shannon to be flown to New York to be with me. I lived on Fifth Avenue, and Diana lived one of her places a few blocks on Fifth Avenue, also a few blocks away. And I find out that...
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Shannon is related in a familiar way by Diana, with Diana. In other words, Shannon is her sister-in-law because unbeknownst to me, Diana's brother, Chico, was secretly married to Shannon's sister, Tracy. What? What are the chances?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I like a lot of new bands, but it saddens my heart. They will never have the chance that we did because there's no music industry. The fans killed it. They allowed... the industry to die, the thing that they love the most. So you can download and file share and do all that stuff for nothing. So new bands don't have a chance, except Nick and Sophie are both very successful.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Sophie's written songs for Train and Rick Ross, you know, rock band, everything. And yeah, she has billboards. Here, put up Sophie Simmons billboards. It's around the world. She's a big deal. See up on top? You went too fast. One back. There you go. Yeah. Wow. See Amortage? That's currently the number one record in Asia. Sophie wrote that. Amazing.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Never asked my opinion. Nothing. It's very pop, sort of Rihanna kind of thing. She's beautiful. Like Chaperone. Never asked my opinion. She writes every day. She releases songs, produces, manages, does the whole thing. And Nick. has got his own band called Sim Fera, S-Y-M-F-E-R-A. And their music is on Ozark and Prodigal Son and everything. And I have nothing to do with it. There we go.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And you should, just for a second, put up Evan Stanley. Is that Paul Stanley's son? Yes. All of a sudden, they're making a record together. Evan Stanley and Nick Simmons. Oh, really? Yeah.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Well, sure. They came out on the road. Can you play just a heartbeat of Sounds of Silence?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Yeah, play that. I want to hear that. Evan went to Nick's house and just whipped out an acoustic guitar. They were always pals. They have their own music. And you'll hear it. It's unbelievable. Hello, Dr. Smiles.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Wow. There's such a thing called chemistry, and you don't know what that means until you hear it.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It beat Cleopatra on channel seven, ABC with Elizabeth Taylor. Wow. Yeah.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, not even. Hundreds and hundreds of one penny. Yeah. And the big secret is licensing and merchandising. is a financial source that other bands didn't have. Yeah. You can't get a Bruce Springsteen comic book or a Radiohead anything.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Neil Bogart... got a record deal, distribution deal with Warner Brothers. So he wanted to, he had Kama Sutra records and... Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy. 1910 Fruit Gum Company, Gladys Knight, The Pips, and Curtis Mayfield, you know, not rock. And he wanted to start a new company and eventually settled on Casablanca, after he wanted to call it Emerald City.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And he asked me what I thought of it. And I'm going, sounds like a disco... Label, I don't like that. So he started Casablanca Records. A kiss is just a kiss. A sigh is just a, you know, Casablanca. So he signed us. We didn't write hit singles. We didn't look like anybody and everything. And we started to make noise. But he made all his money as the king of disco.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Donna Summer and the Village People and Parliament Funkadelic and just all these bands, which he started the EP called Love to love you, baby. The Donna Summer song. He said this one disc jockey locked himself away for 24 hours and played that song over and over again. So he called Giorgio Moroder in Germany. Producer says, I need to make this song longer because people are making love to it.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And so he made it longer, and they put out the first EP, a slightly smaller version of an album with just that one song with an extended middle, you know, like that. Yeah. And the girls also went like that. See, that was a joke.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Different time. And now there's... Look, I've done this before to a few people. So from 1988, I beg your pardon, from 1958 until 1988 is 30 years. During that time, you had Elvis, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, you name it. In disco, you had Donna Summer. With the heavy bands, you had Metallica, ACDC, maybe us, Aerosmith, on and on and on and on.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Motown, Bowie, Prince, you name it, they all came out in that 30-year period. From 1988 until today, it's almost 40 years, where's the Beatles? Where's anything? And it bears noting that in 1988, Napster is where it started. And people never got... The analogy is... If you're a supermarket and you're selling, let's say, fruits and vegetables, you have this much and it costs five bucks.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So that five bucks pays for the rent and the people that work there. It also pays for the trucks that bring the produce there. It also pays for the farmer and the people that work there and everything. Now imagine somebody can walk into the supermarket
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Six in the morning? Probably. That was not me. You're not thinking of Gene Simmons. You're thinking of Richard Simmons.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
put a penny down and walk out with the same amount of fruits and vegetables, how long would the farmer stay in business, the trucking company, and the supermarket? And that's what's happened to the record business because the fans aren't willing to pay for the music. And that's the saddest part because there's certainly as much talent today as there was back then, but there is no structure.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, Steely Dan. By the way, Jackson, who I know, not on that level. Nowhere close.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Chicks. No, the Eagles, yes, one of the top bands. selling bands of all time. Yeah, for sure.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So the pop music stuff is exploding. Nobody's as good, as big as Taylor. I'm a Swifty. Would you mind bringing up Taylor Swift? 100 million albums worldwide. Button pushing guy? Can you bring up Taylor Swift, Keith Urban, Kiss, and play the video, please? What? Wait. You can forward about 10, 15 seconds.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
This is where Taylor and the whole band come out dressed as Kiss.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And it's going to get beyond anything we ever imagined, because Pop House, which bought the underlying rights, is spending... Just a lot of money and doing something that nobody's ever experienced before. I don't mean see. So imagine a caveman and you can speak the same language and you're telling the caveman what you're about to experience. Don't think you're going crazy.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It's not religious, but put these virtual reality glasses on and And all of a sudden, reality, as you know, it disappears. The ground is different. You're in space or you're in the mouth of a dinosaur or you're in a fire pit. And no matter where you look, you're in a different reality. Yeah. Now imagine that with no glasses. And imagine you can smell it and feel the heat.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Where is this going to happen? Within two years. Is this the Avatar show? Yes.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, they won't know what hit them. It's beyond. And we've been trying to do this. We played at Dodger Stadium 2000. And it was the first 3D concert. Not all of it. You've got your glasses and at certain points you put them on. So if I spit fire, you'd see the fire coming out into the audience. But it was far too expensive to do it all. And nobody wanted to wear glasses for the whole show.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And it cost a fortune. We didn't make a dime on that show. But technology has changed so fast that future concerts are going to be unlike anything anybody's ever imagined. We're already almost there. There's this fear in Las Vegas that, And what you're seeing is unbelievable, except you don't lose yourself. If you look down, you see the hangnail that you had that morning.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And you see the next, you know, the chick. I should grab her number before I go. And then when you look up, you see all that. Virtual glasses are closer to that because this world disappears. Wow. But you don't feel the heat if there's a fire.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
We could be in a wall. We could be in the underworld. We could be, yeah.
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No glasses. No glasses. I remember seeing a minority report. Did you ever see that Tom Cruise movie?
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And he goes like this. And then he's got like a computer thing and he's moving things. I saw a real one that the Air Force was using in doubt. I know some friends in the military. Yeah. It exists. Really? Yeah. There's nothing in front of you. And they're moving things. Well, I mean, what the fuck is the cloud? Right?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
There's a million things of information. Where is it? It's in the cloud. Where?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And right, I've got, there's a person in Africa, in Namibia, I think. an investment guy. Was it Nabil? I don't know. But not too long ago, I got a phone call, crystal clear on my cell, like he's next door to you. Crazy.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, what's happening now, as you know, Elon believes that, and I believe him, that AI is going to surpass humankind knowledge and also have a sense of self-awareness. self-aware in five years.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
But it's happening so fast that algorithm, military, I mean, right now you're watching a few wars, but especially the Ukraine war, where it's all drones.
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
He's a member of the tribe, yeah. Hey, what was this broadcast on? FX. FX. The X show on FX.
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Now apply drones to tanks, apply drones to anything, and you're playing video games.
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Rescheduling some of the shows up and down. The economy is really bad. People are hurting, losing their jobs. But yeah, there's going to be, oh, maybe 15 up and down the East Coast and everything. And then stopping for a while because I've got a film company, Simmons Hamilton. Our first film is an action adventure called Deepwater with Sir Ben Kingsley and Aaron Eckhart. Whoa.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Rennie Harlan is directing, who did one of the Die Hard films. Then a second movie called The Canyon with Mel Gibson and Bella Thorne. So a few of these movies coming up. And the restaurant chain, you know about that? No, I don't. Rock and Brews, as in B-R-E-W. There's two at LAX and across America.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I didn't know it was yours. Is that in the Delta Terminal? Number one. Yeah, there's one.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Oh, no, no, no. I mean, as my brand, I own the money bag logo. Can you go to money bag? I think I saw that on a hat one time. Vodka. Yeah. Money bag vodka. So you see on the top left. So I'm literally the only one. That's your bottle of vodka? That's brilliant. That's an old one, but the one on the right or the one upper left. See, I literally own the logo.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And so if you buy, you see that you had some booze over there. There you go. There's a bottle.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Okay. Now, that's terrific. Now, you know what I can do that you can't do anything about? I can take the shape of that bottle and take off the other stuff. Well, you did smart. You did something special with the actual bottle. But the shape of the bottle is not trademarked.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
No. The shape of my bottle is around the world. So if you did whatever you want to call it, if you go near that trademark, I own you.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
200 plus. If you put up... I literally, I know this is going to sound crazy. I own the pound sign or the English pound.
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I own that trademark as approved by the... As long as it's in the bag... I own the euro. I'm the only one on earth that owns the euro, the E sign. Yeah. As long as it's in the bag. I own the rupee.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
We looked into it and the legal ramifications, the exposure, it's too litigious. Everybody sues everybody.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It's like getting into food. One person swallows the wrong way. I mean, you go to McDonald's, a woman's coffee is too hot and then she sues you. Of course, she can't tell that it's hot because there's smoke coming up or just that you're holding it. But she did win some money.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
But I saw a photo of her. It's probably the only hot thing she's had down there for a while. You know.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Gene, I could talk to you forever. As a matter of fact, there she was. Go back one, please. I'm going to get sued. There she is. Nah. You want to do something crazy? Please. Can I call Nick? Please. The question is what to call him. Big guy. I like this one. She laughs at the stupidest ones I have.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Hey, Nick. Hello. All right, Nick. Somebody wants to talk to you. You want to hold on?
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
You know that my son's like a man's man kind of guy. He's become a cat person. He worships his cat.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It'll be funny to see the YMH They tore me a new asshole.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
They told me, you know you're the worst guest on YMH when the guy who comes the next week is a guy who drinks his own piss and he's a better guest than you.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
One of the YMH guys. They had come on there, like the bald guy who does weird sex videos and he came on short lists and whatever. And they're like, that guy was better than Nick. So, you know, he's really bad.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
hey buddy you can come on my podcast and i'll interrupt you all day long anytime all right let's do it i'm gonna set it up i'm gonna set it up only it'll be uh it's funny to have the uh hey you've seen the main event now see uh some kid who's kind of related to him that'll be fine we can team up we'll have you as a guest pair one time
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Yeah, because your castle is oh so poor that you're modern. There's room. There's room, he says. I'm allergic to cats, though. Okay, he's kicking me out. It was good to talk to me. They do. Right now, they didn't plan it because life happens to you while you're busy making your plans. No, these are my plans. Life doesn't care. So they were buds, Evan and Nick. And what you saw just happened.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
He's got a camera set up. And he started some Hello, Doc. You know that song? And what you heard is there's no recording or anything. It's just what they sound like. And now they've written songs and they're busy recording their first record with the producer of the year who produced... I don't know, Green Day and all kinds of stuff. Yeah. That's crazy. That's amazing.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And now record companies are vying for it. And they did not plan any of this. This is kind of like Crosby, Sills, and Nash meets Simon and Garfunkel kind of stuff. Yeah. And Nick's stuff is more like Radiohead meets Pink Floyd. And Sophie is pop.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And I'm done. What are you? Worship Satan now? No. Wait a minute. You've only been...
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Hug? They're settling on, you know, Evan and Nick Simmons.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Always do what I say. We'll get along better. Sit down, Leanne. He told you all this stuff?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
A guy that tells his chick all this stuff. Wow. That's almost gay.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
So before you got serious, how do you like this interview? So before you got serious, you knew that he's only been up to bat six times?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Can I just tell you one of the big secrets? What do I know? You don't go in there with the stuff that makes you happy. First, you've got to make her happy. And if you're not sure what, because every single one of them is like a different combination on a lock. We have one. That's it. She likes the A. I don't like the C. So you go through the alphabet. With your mouth schmeckle.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Which I've never heard before, a mouth schmeckle. So neither of you, right? So you try the A, and then when you find, I like the C. Okay, then you keep doing the C until she goes to hell. And then she doesn't care. And then you can jump on it. And then, you know what the perfect date is? Oh, I'm done. Get out. You see that?
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
These are semantics, but I'm not anti-semantic. So they have sex up here. Yeah. We have sex there. It doesn't. What does it mean? Do I have my mother's hips? Why won't she call me? We don't care. Which is why in jail, if you close your eyes, it doesn't count. But they have to. What sign are you and all this? Oh, shit. Yeah. He has a good sense of humor. OK, I'll give him some.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Who cares? Now that we're done, I'd like to. How was I?
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# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I had some good teachers. I have to say, one of my first experiences, I was a newspaper delivery boy. I was 13. Just a knucklehead. It was dead of winter.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
He didn't want to do his newspaper route, so I took over his route, and I was delivering in the snow and everything just to make 30 bucks a week, which was a lot of money back then when the people had two sticks together with the fire and everything. And once a week, I'd have to go and collect the money, you know, 25 cents, 15, 50 cents, and all that. And the Sunday edition was a dollar newspaper.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It was, like, really thick. And it was Christmas time, and it was a few days before Christmas. I'll shorten it because you have a meeting to go to.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to hell anyway. Tell me about the... Yeah, so one of the first times... I go to collect, and I had one of those stupid hats with the earmuffs, you know, you put it all, but if you do it up there, it pushes your ears out like, you know, airplane wings or whatever. So your ears are like that, like a knucklehead.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
And I go to collect it from Mrs. You know what? I was about to blur her name because I always remember. And she was an unhappily married, very young, hot as a pistol woman. And she was home alone. I don't know where the guy was or anything, but it's Friday night after school. And I'm going to collect $3.75. I'll never forget it for the full week's newspapers. And I walk up, hi, it's Gene Klein.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I was Gene Klein then. Collecting blah, blah, blah. She said, come on in. So I walk in the door and you just smell the pheromones and she comes out in a nightgown. A see-through. And I'm going, ooga, ooga. You know, see the headlights and and you see it all happening. And she's You know, makeup, everything, she's all alone in her house.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It must have been drinking, I guess, because she was very free with her words and her voobah. And she kind of slinkered over, snake-like. And I was always big for my age, so I didn't look 13. I must have looked 16. It's funny, I was always invited to the sweet 16 parties. And since I didn't drink, I'd wait for all the guys to get bonkers and just... Mount the girls that were left.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
It doesn't matter. And so she said, I'll get right over. And then she came in and she said, here, you must be tired. Lie down on the couch. And I didn't know what was going on. I was just sort of, and then she unzippered my pants and sat on me. Gave you some education. You know, I didn't know what was going on. But I figured it out pretty fast. Yeah, and I dared not go back.
Bertcast
# 671 - Gene Simmons KISS and Tells
I gave up my buddy's newspaper route because, you know, who knows? The guy might be there. One of my first. Really? That's a great one. And then a very brutal experience with a guy named Jim. No, that was not true. Not true.