Evy Poumpouras

If I'm easily offended, I'm easily manipulated. So if you are that person where you are reactive, reactive, reactive, rule number one, shut the up. Because if you're looking to be respected, you need to manage yourself. But there are times that people are going to cross you and disrespect you.

If I'm easily offended, I'm easily manipulated. So if you are that person where you are reactive, reactive, reactive, rule number one, shut the up. Because if you're looking to be respected, you need to manage yourself. But there are times that people are going to cross you and disrespect you.

How do you pick people? Like, how do you differentiate on your own who's good and who's not for you?

How do you pick people? Like, how do you differentiate on your own who's good and who's not for you?

That's so interesting. So when you talk about vibes, it's your intuition.

That's so interesting. So when you talk about vibes, it's your intuition.

It's your instinct, bar none. And when I'm around people, like anybody around, they give off something. And what we don't do is we don't listen to what we feel. You can still do business or talk to someone. But when you feel that, and I do too, I feel my way, even honestly, even whose podcast I'm going to do. I'm like, I don't know if I like this vibe or I don't know if I like this.

It's your instinct, bar none. And when I'm around people, like anybody around, they give off something. And what we don't do is we don't listen to what we feel. You can still do business or talk to someone. But when you feel that, and I do too, I feel my way, even honestly, even whose podcast I'm going to do. I'm like, I don't know if I like this vibe or I don't know if I like this.

I just feel it. I feel like, who do I want to be around? And even something like, whose podcast do I want to be on? Because I'm bringing myself into a space, right? That person's space. It's all interconnected. So it's like I'm choosing what spaces to go into. And you're right. You don't have to articulate it to yourself. And that's where we go wrong often.

I just feel it. I feel like, who do I want to be around? And even something like, whose podcast do I want to be on? Because I'm bringing myself into a space, right? That person's space. It's all interconnected. So it's like I'm choosing what spaces to go into. And you're right. You don't have to articulate it to yourself. And that's where we go wrong often.

Because it's like somebody comes in, they say hi to you, and immediately you're like, I don't like this. But they didn't say anything to you. They didn't do anything to you. You can't articulate why. And you know what we do? We dismiss it. We dismiss it. Oh, it's me. Oh, I shouldn't this. No. You know what? You've got two brains, right? This one? And the gut.

Because it's like somebody comes in, they say hi to you, and immediately you're like, I don't like this. But they didn't say anything to you. They didn't do anything to you. You can't articulate why. And you know what we do? We dismiss it. We dismiss it. Oh, it's me. Oh, I shouldn't this. No. You know what? You've got two brains, right? This one? And the gut.

That's why they call it your gut instincts. Listen to it. Always. And I think going back to people who are steady, you're talking about what makes you steady. I think a big part of what helps make you steady is trusting in yourself. You have to trust in yourself. Like, believe in yourself. And when I say that, I mean trust that what you're feeling is true.

That's why they call it your gut instincts. Listen to it. Always. And I think going back to people who are steady, you're talking about what makes you steady. I think a big part of what helps make you steady is trusting in yourself. You have to trust in yourself. Like, believe in yourself. And when I say that, I mean trust that what you're feeling is true.

Like, listen to it and not let other people talk you out of things. Or... Being able to say, I feel this way, I don't know why, but I'm going to trust it. And almost, if not all the time, you look back and it's like, I knew better. I felt this. I kind of sensed this. I didn't listen to myself. And if you're wrong, so you're wrong. And that goes back to uncertainty. People are afraid to be wrong.

Like, listen to it and not let other people talk you out of things. Or... Being able to say, I feel this way, I don't know why, but I'm going to trust it. And almost, if not all the time, you look back and it's like, I knew better. I felt this. I kind of sensed this. I didn't listen to myself. And if you're wrong, so you're wrong. And that goes back to uncertainty. People are afraid to be wrong.

Why?

Why?

Living fearlessly, because I don't think you can be fearless.

Living fearlessly, because I don't think you can be fearless.

Fearlessly means... I see things. Despite being afraid, I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to live in it and embrace it to some degree. Whatever you're afraid of, if it's something you want to do, follow it and then figure out a way to do it. But it's okay to be afraid and uncertain during the process. I don't know. When I'm uncertain too, I'm thinking, all right, I can figure this out.

Fearlessly means... I see things. Despite being afraid, I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to live in it and embrace it to some degree. Whatever you're afraid of, if it's something you want to do, follow it and then figure out a way to do it. But it's okay to be afraid and uncertain during the process. I don't know. When I'm uncertain too, I'm thinking, all right, I can figure this out.

You don't fail until you stop. I look at it that way. Like even if you're failing incrementally, overall, you won't fail until you're just like, all right, I'm done. And as long as you're done because you want to be done, that's cool. But you don't want to be done because you keep failing or you're confused or you're leaving because other people are telling you you shouldn't be doing it.

You don't fail until you stop. I look at it that way. Like even if you're failing incrementally, overall, you won't fail until you're just like, all right, I'm done. And as long as you're done because you want to be done, that's cool. But you don't want to be done because you keep failing or you're confused or you're leaving because other people are telling you you shouldn't be doing it.

It's just because you decided, I don't want to be on this path anymore. I think it always has to come back to you. I've always been in the school of thought, and I love my family, but they were always telling me, do this, especially because my parents were immigrant. Everything was job security. Get a good job. Get a good job. Nine to five, get a good job.

It's just because you decided, I don't want to be on this path anymore. I think it always has to come back to you. I've always been in the school of thought, and I love my family, but they were always telling me, do this, especially because my parents were immigrant. Everything was job security. Get a good job. Get a good job. Nine to five, get a good job.

Don't try to do anything else, you know, because they struggled so much. And so when I tried to do things outside of that element, they were afraid. They were confused. They thought I was nuts. Even when I started in the NYPD, they were not happy at all. They're like, what is this? Girls don't do these types of jobs, even in my community. You know, I was laughed at.

Don't try to do anything else, you know, because they struggled so much. And so when I tried to do things outside of that element, they were afraid. They were confused. They thought I was nuts. Even when I started in the NYPD, they were not happy at all. They're like, what is this? Girls don't do these types of jobs, even in my community. You know, I was laughed at.

You know, people kind of were like, oh, look at Yanni is my dad's name. Look at Yanni's daughter. Look how silly she is. You know, so this is kind of like those moments where you, going back to you just have to do what you feel. Because afterward, you're going to be pissed off as hell because you listen to other people.

You know, people kind of were like, oh, look at Yanni is my dad's name. Look at Yanni's daughter. Look how silly she is. You know, so this is kind of like those moments where you, going back to you just have to do what you feel. Because afterward, you're going to be pissed off as hell because you listen to other people.

Yeah, stop asking everybody what they think. When I have a really big decision to make, like really big, I don't tally people. In fact, the bigger it is, the bigger the consequences or the bigger the pain or the trauma, whatever it is, I go in because they're going to confuse me. That's what you do. You stop asking people. And if you're going to ask somebody... Let's say it's a health decision.

Yeah, stop asking everybody what they think. When I have a really big decision to make, like really big, I don't tally people. In fact, the bigger it is, the bigger the consequences or the bigger the pain or the trauma, whatever it is, I go in because they're going to confuse me. That's what you do. You stop asking people. And if you're going to ask somebody... Let's say it's a health decision.

So there was a guy post that's talked to the intelligence communities and it really, really helps when you're dealing with people. And so one of the ways you deal with that kind of behavior is... The former secret service agent turned human behavior expert. From protecting presidents to interrogating the world's most dangerous men.

So there was a guy post that's talked to the intelligence communities and it really, really helps when you're dealing with people. And so one of the ways you deal with that kind of behavior is... The former secret service agent turned human behavior expert. From protecting presidents to interrogating the world's most dangerous men.

It's a great question, and I don't know if I have a clear answer. I think always, I think about how am I serving other people? I always go back to that. I remember even when I wrote my book, Becoming Bulletproof, actually my book was supposed to launch right at the height of COVID. I mean, it's when the world was shutting down. And

It's a great question, and I don't know if I have a clear answer. I think always, I think about how am I serving other people? I always go back to that. I remember even when I wrote my book, Becoming Bulletproof, actually my book was supposed to launch right at the height of COVID. I mean, it's when the world was shutting down. And

You're going to go to a doctor or you're going to go to someone who has specific knowledge about a decision you are trying to make. You're not going to go to mom. You're not going to go to dad. You're not going to go to your brother. You're not going to go to people who don't have that, who, although they love you, their opinions are going to send you like a ping pong ball.

You're going to go to a doctor or you're going to go to someone who has specific knowledge about a decision you are trying to make. You're not going to go to mom. You're not going to go to dad. You're not going to go to your brother. You're not going to go to people who don't have that, who, although they love you, their opinions are going to send you like a ping pong ball.

That's how you become unsteady. And you can start small. You can start small. And when I say start small, it's start making decisions without running them by anybody. what to eat, where to go, where to vacation. You can start small. It's just allow yourself to be the decision maker. Allow yourself to be in the driver's seat. But what we do is we invite people in the car.

That's how you become unsteady. And you can start small. You can start small. And when I say start small, it's start making decisions without running them by anybody. what to eat, where to go, where to vacation. You can start small. It's just allow yourself to be the decision maker. Allow yourself to be in the driver's seat. But what we do is we invite people in the car.

We're like, yeah, yeah, you could drive my car, no problem. They get in the driver's seat. We put them in the driver's seat. Then we're in the passenger seat, or we might even get kicked to the back seat, and then we're all pissed off. Like, why are you driving like that? Why are you going that way? That's not really where I want to go. Then drive the car.

We're like, yeah, yeah, you could drive my car, no problem. They get in the driver's seat. We put them in the driver's seat. Then we're in the passenger seat, or we might even get kicked to the back seat, and then we're all pissed off. Like, why are you driving like that? Why are you going that way? That's not really where I want to go. Then drive the car.

And stop inviting everybody in to drive it for you and then be pissed off when they don't take it the direction you want to go. If you're going to be pissed off, always be pissed off at yourself. Because it's like, I chose, I chose wrong, but I chose. That is how you build confidence.

And stop inviting everybody in to drive it for you and then be pissed off when they don't take it the direction you want to go. If you're going to be pissed off, always be pissed off at yourself. Because it's like, I chose, I chose wrong, but I chose. That is how you build confidence.

And you know, going back to law enforcement, because I teach it, one of the predominant traits that people in law enforcement have is is they have high confidence because of one reason. They make decisions. They're good decision makers because when you're out on the street and you're dealing with somebody or a situation, there's nobody to look over to and say, hey, how should I handle this?

And you know, going back to law enforcement, because I teach it, one of the predominant traits that people in law enforcement have is is they have high confidence because of one reason. They make decisions. They're good decision makers because when you're out on the street and you're dealing with somebody or a situation, there's nobody to look over to and say, hey, how should I handle this?

You have to make a choice and you have to go. making decisions is going to increase your confidence and your ability in yourself, even if they're the wrong decisions. That's not the point. Be a decision maker in your life. That is going to move you forward. That is going to increase your belief in yourself and your trust in yourself. And you're going to get comfortable too.

You have to make a choice and you have to go. making decisions is going to increase your confidence and your ability in yourself, even if they're the wrong decisions. That's not the point. Be a decision maker in your life. That is going to move you forward. That is going to increase your belief in yourself and your trust in yourself. And you're going to get comfortable too.

Huh, I read that wrong. You know what I learned here? I should have read it this way. And so this is when you bring in the vibes and a little bit of tactical strategy because you're less emotional. That's another hindrance. When you are emotional, you are a bad decision maker. When you are in a space of emotion, make no decision. Avoid, don't text, don't call.

Huh, I read that wrong. You know what I learned here? I should have read it this way. And so this is when you bring in the vibes and a little bit of tactical strategy because you're less emotional. That's another hindrance. When you are emotional, you are a bad decision maker. When you are in a space of emotion, make no decision. Avoid, don't text, don't call.

I always say just remove yourself and go in, go quiet. When you can go quiet and be in that stillness of you, it will come to you over time. And you know what's another great thing? When you look at resilient people, they don't have all the answers and they don't need to have all the answers. I don't have all the answers, but I don't need them to be okay.

I always say just remove yourself and go in, go quiet. When you can go quiet and be in that stillness of you, it will come to you over time. And you know what's another great thing? When you look at resilient people, they don't have all the answers and they don't need to have all the answers. I don't have all the answers, but I don't need them to be okay.

And this is where you embrace that uncertainty. You don't have to have all the answers. And that by itself is powerful. You don't need to figure it out. You don't need to know what to do right away. Leave it. Sit in it. Be in it. Then when it's time, you move through.

And this is where you embrace that uncertainty. You don't have to have all the answers. And that by itself is powerful. You don't need to figure it out. You don't need to know what to do right away. Leave it. Sit in it. Be in it. Then when it's time, you move through.

I remember I had a PR person, I had my agent, the publishers, everyone's like, hey, you know, this COVID thing is happening. All the media tour glitz went away. Why don't we postpone the launch of the book? And nobody was advising me to launch the book. Nobody. Everyone's like, don't do it, don't do it. And I remember I was like, all right, I need to kind of tune everybody out.

I remember I had a PR person, I had my agent, the publishers, everyone's like, hey, you know, this COVID thing is happening. All the media tour glitz went away. Why don't we postpone the launch of the book? And nobody was advising me to launch the book. Nobody. Everyone's like, don't do it, don't do it. And I remember I was like, all right, I need to kind of tune everybody out.

Okay. So then how about you stop telling everybody your business? Why do they need to know what you're thinking about doing here or there? Why? Because when you open your mouth to share things, you're going to get advice. So this goes back to you. Do I open my mouth or do I stay quiet? Because if I open my mouth and I start talking, people are going to start sharing.

Okay. So then how about you stop telling everybody your business? Why do they need to know what you're thinking about doing here or there? Why? Because when you open your mouth to share things, you're going to get advice. So this goes back to you. Do I open my mouth or do I stay quiet? Because if I open my mouth and I start talking, people are going to start sharing.

And so when people like, oh, they don't respect my boundaries, you're the one who offered it. If you want to create boundaries, you start with them. I don't share. Or like if I'm like, for example, I'm working on a project or a deal. Nobody knows until my deal is done.

And so when people like, oh, they don't respect my boundaries, you're the one who offered it. If you want to create boundaries, you start with them. I don't share. Or like if I'm like, for example, I'm working on a project or a deal. Nobody knows until my deal is done.

I don't know how it's going to go. I don't want other people's opinions. I'll have the opinions of whoever I'm dealing with specifically in a deal, if it's a project, right? I'm going to talk to them. But I don't want other people confusing me. People confuse you. Good intentions.

I don't know how it's going to go. I don't want other people's opinions. I'll have the opinions of whoever I'm dealing with specifically in a deal, if it's a project, right? I'm going to talk to them. But I don't want other people confusing me. People confuse you. Good intentions.

But when you've got too many voices in your head, that's why you can't trust yourself because you've got all these other voices. You can't hear your own. So I know if I share something with someone, they're going to share their thoughts. And maybe I don't want them. I stay, I will tell you, I usually stay quiet until I'm ready to reveal something.

But when you've got too many voices in your head, that's why you can't trust yourself because you've got all these other voices. You can't hear your own. So I know if I share something with someone, they're going to share their thoughts. And maybe I don't want them. I stay, I will tell you, I usually stay quiet until I'm ready to reveal something.

Also, I'll stay quiet until it's either done, like it's happened, because so many times you'll do something and it falls through and you're like, you don't want to have to explain it to other people. It's like, why do I need to put myself in that situation where I'm always talking? I think talking, talking, talking, talking, although I think communication is good, but sometimes it's oversharing.

Also, I'll stay quiet until it's either done, like it's happened, because so many times you'll do something and it falls through and you're like, you don't want to have to explain it to other people. It's like, why do I need to put myself in that situation where I'm always talking? I think talking, talking, talking, talking, although I think communication is good, but sometimes it's oversharing.

and over putting our stuff out there, how are you going to have boundaries when you yourself violate those boundaries? Like you just make yourself like open borders, everybody come in. If you're a bit more methodical with who you share what with and why, I think that that's okay. But when you're like literally like tallying everybody, even if it's like what job to do, like for example, there's a

and over putting our stuff out there, how are you going to have boundaries when you yourself violate those boundaries? Like you just make yourself like open borders, everybody come in. If you're a bit more methodical with who you share what with and why, I think that that's okay. But when you're like literally like tallying everybody, even if it's like what job to do, like for example, there's a

woman in the community I have, and she's trying to figure out what career to do. And she was kind of like, my mom says this, my dad says this, grown woman. And it was coming from a genuine place. And I like this, but I don't like that. And she was ping-ponging everywhere. She's like, Evie, what's, you know, can you share something with me? I was like, stop. I was like, stop talking to everybody.

woman in the community I have, and she's trying to figure out what career to do. And she was kind of like, my mom says this, my dad says this, grown woman. And it was coming from a genuine place. And I like this, but I don't like that. And she was ping-ponging everywhere. She's like, Evie, what's, you know, can you share something with me? I was like, stop. I was like, stop talking to everybody.

Why are you telling everybody to give you advice? I was like, I want you to think about how insane what you're doing is. You are going to another human being to ask them what job, what career you should do. A job that you're going to wake up every morning to get out of bed to go do day after day after day. And you're tallying and pulling other people who are not going to be doing that.

Why are you telling everybody to give you advice? I was like, I want you to think about how insane what you're doing is. You are going to another human being to ask them what job, what career you should do. A job that you're going to wake up every morning to get out of bed to go do day after day after day. And you're tallying and pulling other people who are not going to be doing that.

You're going to be doing that on what you should do. Do you see a little bit of the ridiculousness of how you are asking somebody else? You're the one who has to get up every morning and go do it.

You're going to be doing that on what you should do. Do you see a little bit of the ridiculousness of how you are asking somebody else? You're the one who has to get up every morning and go do it.

You can. She can. You can do that. But if the question is, how do I learn to trust myself? You trust yourself more by listening to yourself more and asking other people less. That is how you get there.

You can. She can. You can do that. But if the question is, how do I learn to trust myself? You trust yourself more by listening to yourself more and asking other people less. That is how you get there.

No. And then maybe just the circle around you. It's also to, you know, I don't know if you've been able to do this. Over the years, slowly, I've also accumulated people around me. It takes time where they're trusted people where I can go to for specific things if I need to because I like the way they move through life. I think that they handle themselves well. Maybe they do well in business.

No. And then maybe just the circle around you. It's also to, you know, I don't know if you've been able to do this. Over the years, slowly, I've also accumulated people around me. It takes time where they're trusted people where I can go to for specific things if I need to because I like the way they move through life. I think that they handle themselves well. Maybe they do well in business.

And I paused and I thought to myself, why did I write this book? I wrote this book to help people. Okay, so if the goal is to help people, make them more resilient, help them live less fearlessly, the world right now is in a state of fear. So if I follow that principle, then right now I should launch the book. And I remember against everybody's advisement, I launched it.

And I paused and I thought to myself, why did I write this book? I wrote this book to help people. Okay, so if the goal is to help people, make them more resilient, help them live less fearlessly, the world right now is in a state of fear. So if I follow that principle, then right now I should launch the book. And I remember against everybody's advisement, I launched it.

They're thoughtful. I like their character. And so over time, you can also, I don't want to say accumulate, but you can kind of start to pull folks like that in. It takes time because people are going to come into your life in different moments. And when you find those precious gems, keep them a bit close. And then you can start to accumulate a... A circle and it's not people you go to every day.

They're thoughtful. I like their character. And so over time, you can also, I don't want to say accumulate, but you can kind of start to pull folks like that in. It takes time because people are going to come into your life in different moments. And when you find those precious gems, keep them a bit close. And then you can start to accumulate a... A circle and it's not people you go to every day.

It's just people that you can pick up the phone Say hey steven. It's evy. Can I run something by you? Sure evy, no problem. What do you want to run by me? You can create those two and at least for me i've been able over time slowly Because it's not going to happen overnight and then sometimes people come into that space and sometimes you say I'm going to push you a little further out.

It's just people that you can pick up the phone Say hey steven. It's evy. Can I run something by you? Sure evy, no problem. What do you want to run by me? You can create those two and at least for me i've been able over time slowly Because it's not going to happen overnight and then sometimes people come into that space and sometimes you say I'm going to push you a little further out.

It's not working out anymore

It's not working out anymore

She just has to make a choice and do it. Pick one and do it.

She just has to make a choice and do it. Pick one and do it.

But there isn't. There's no way to know how it's going to pan out. There's no way to know. Just choose. Choose something. Choose something. And even if it's wrong, find peace and like, I chose, it was wrong. But you know what? I'm not stuck here. That's the other thing. You can change your decisions. Just because you choose something, it doesn't mean you're stuck there.

But there isn't. There's no way to know how it's going to pan out. There's no way to know. Just choose. Choose something. Choose something. And even if it's wrong, find peace and like, I chose, it was wrong. But you know what? I'm not stuck here. That's the other thing. You can change your decisions. Just because you choose something, it doesn't mean you're stuck there.

We have the ability to get out. You do. You can find ways to get out and say, I made a wrong choice. It's okay. You also have to be okay with it.

We have the ability to get out. You do. You can find ways to get out and say, I made a wrong choice. It's okay. You also have to be okay with it.

So that is something, what will help with that is, it's something called, it's called instrumental. It's called sense-making. It's understanding a person's motivational mindset. An instrumental person in certain jobs can yield more instrumental people. This is where... I am doing something where I am task-oriented. This just happened, so I have to respond this way. I'm going to do that.

So that is something, what will help with that is, it's something called, it's called instrumental. It's called sense-making. It's understanding a person's motivational mindset. An instrumental person in certain jobs can yield more instrumental people. This is where... I am doing something where I am task-oriented. This just happened, so I have to respond this way. I'm going to do that.

I'm going to do this. I'm looking at the overall, what is my next step, then my next step, then my next step. When you are instrumental, you are non-emotional. I'm not in the emotion of it. So although like if you bring up a protectee getting shot, right? Although it can seem emotional, yes, it is.

I'm going to do this. I'm looking at the overall, what is my next step, then my next step, then my next step. When you are instrumental, you are non-emotional. I'm not in the emotion of it. So although like if you bring up a protectee getting shot, right? Although it can seem emotional, yes, it is.

But in that moment, at least through training, it's shots being fired, jump in front, cover, shield, evacuate. You run through those things. That's being instrumental, right?

But in that moment, at least through training, it's shots being fired, jump in front, cover, shield, evacuate. You run through those things. That's being instrumental, right?

You're functioning. You're being tasked. You're task oriented. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. You have a business decision to make. Let's say something bad's happening in the business. Okay, how do I stop this hemorrhaging? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. That's instrumental. On the flip side of that is something called identity.

You're functioning. You're being tasked. You're task oriented. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. You have a business decision to make. Let's say something bad's happening in the business. Okay, how do I stop this hemorrhaging? I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. That's instrumental. On the flip side of that is something called identity.

When I am identity, I am, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. This is horrible. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I'm really upset about this. I can't believe I'm finding myself here. Now I'm in that purgatory space of not doing anything. I'm also emotional. So I can't think clearly and I'm not able to make moves.

When I am identity, I am, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. This is horrible. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I'm really upset about this. I can't believe I'm finding myself here. Now I'm in that purgatory space of not doing anything. I'm also emotional. So I can't think clearly and I'm not able to make moves.

You do. Action. Action. Everything's action. Make a choice. Make a choice. Make a choice. Move. Go, go, go. Do you know what's interesting? Everything was about movement. Don't be still. Even when you're getting shot at, don't be still. They actually teach you to run in zigzags. It's actually really hard to shoot someone. If they're not perfectly still, I mean, we would shoot paper targets.

You do. Action. Action. Everything's action. Make a choice. Make a choice. Make a choice. Move. Go, go, go. Do you know what's interesting? Everything was about movement. Don't be still. Even when you're getting shot at, don't be still. They actually teach you to run in zigzags. It's actually really hard to shoot someone. If they're not perfectly still, I mean, we would shoot paper targets.

You miss. You're stressed out. You're motion. You're looking at this guy shooting, that person shooting. Am I shooting like shit? Because everyone's looking at each other's scores. And if you don't shoot well, they're going to be like, oh, I don't want to take you out on the next raid with me. Right? So you've got that adrenaline rush. It's a hard thing to do.

You miss. You're stressed out. You're motion. You're looking at this guy shooting, that person shooting. Am I shooting like shit? Because everyone's looking at each other's scores. And if you don't shoot well, they're going to be like, oh, I don't want to take you out on the next raid with me. Right? So you've got that adrenaline rush. It's a hard thing to do.

But they teach you like, hey, if you're getting shot at, don't sit there like a dummy. Move. Run. And while you're running, run like zigzag. Throw people off. Move. And I've taken that premise of always being kinesis. Kinesis is a Greek move. Kinesis. Move. Move. Always move. Create momentum no matter how stuck you feel. And I followed this actually in my own life. Just move. Don't sit still.

But they teach you like, hey, if you're getting shot at, don't sit there like a dummy. Move. Run. And while you're running, run like zigzag. Throw people off. Move. And I've taken that premise of always being kinesis. Kinesis is a Greek move. Kinesis. Move. Move. Always move. Create momentum no matter how stuck you feel. And I followed this actually in my own life. Just move. Don't sit still.

I'm not saying don't grieve. Don't be sad. Don't feel. It's okay. It's okay. But don't put yourself in a place where you're completely stagnant because that's where you get stuck and you don't move and you get comfortable and you become afraid. If you can just create movement, I'm going to create a little bit of movement. I'm going to make a decision here and then another one, another one.

I'm not saying don't grieve. Don't be sad. Don't feel. It's okay. It's okay. But don't put yourself in a place where you're completely stagnant because that's where you get stuck and you don't move and you get comfortable and you become afraid. If you can just create movement, I'm going to create a little bit of movement. I'm going to make a decision here and then another one, another one.

So I was surprised with my book where people began writing in, I'm dealing with this problem. Your book helped me find a way out. Or I'm dealing with this. Can you give me guidance on how to deal with it?

So I was surprised with my book where people began writing in, I'm dealing with this problem. Your book helped me find a way out. Or I'm dealing with this. Can you give me guidance on how to deal with it?

If you can just stay in kinesis movement, you'll be able to move through whatever it is you're going through.

If you can just stay in kinesis movement, you'll be able to move through whatever it is you're going through.

You learn something, even if it means reaching out to someone. It's just do something that's helping you create some type of progress. When you don't move, when we don't have kinesis, like this is where you get stuck in that emotional depravity of like, I feel horrible. This is happening. Like if you can find ways to move out of your problem, as bad as it feels, don't bathe in it.

You learn something, even if it means reaching out to someone. It's just do something that's helping you create some type of progress. When you don't move, when we don't have kinesis, like this is where you get stuck in that emotional depravity of like, I feel horrible. This is happening. Like if you can find ways to move out of your problem, as bad as it feels, don't bathe in it.

Like don't take a bath in it. Feel it, but like to a point. And you know what else too? You also don't have to figure it out. You don't have to figure out why did this happen or why did this person do it? Sometimes there's nothing to figure out. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes there's brilliance.

Like don't take a bath in it. Feel it, but like to a point. And you know what else too? You also don't have to figure it out. You don't have to figure out why did this happen or why did this person do it? Sometimes there's nothing to figure out. Sometimes it just is. Sometimes there's brilliance.

And freedom and just letting go and saying, this happened, I don't know why it happened, and I don't need to know why. But I can figure out how I need to move forward. Kinesis, how am I going to move out of this? What do I go to next? Sometimes the more you sit and you analyze this stuff, the more pain you put yourself through. You're rethinking, you're retelling, you're reliving.

And freedom and just letting go and saying, this happened, I don't know why it happened, and I don't need to know why. But I can figure out how I need to move forward. Kinesis, how am I going to move out of this? What do I go to next? Sometimes the more you sit and you analyze this stuff, the more pain you put yourself through. You're rethinking, you're retelling, you're reliving.

And especially if you're reliving things that somebody else did to you, Like the pain and, you know, you ever have those moments where you start to relive, I should have done this, I should have said this. Do you know it actually activates the same part of the brain that's activated when you do cocaine?

And especially if you're reliving things that somebody else did to you, Like the pain and, you know, you ever have those moments where you start to relive, I should have done this, I should have said this. Do you know it actually activates the same part of the brain that's activated when you do cocaine?

Yeah. It makes you high. Think about that. As even though it's negative feelings, you're like, yeah, you're having this whole thing happen. And it's like, I always look at, you know, I always look at is what I am doing leading me to the path I want to go to. If it's not, then I try to relinquish.

Yeah. It makes you high. Think about that. As even though it's negative feelings, you're like, yeah, you're having this whole thing happen. And it's like, I always look at, you know, I always look at is what I am doing leading me to the path I want to go to. If it's not, then I try to relinquish.

I'm like, listen, it's okay to feel bad, but you will feel less bad if you can keep that momentum going.

I'm like, listen, it's okay to feel bad, but you will feel less bad if you can keep that momentum going.

I think it becomes a habit. I don't think most people want to be there. If you ask anybody, nobody's going to say, yeah, I love it. But what happens is it becomes a habit and it's a pattern of behavior and a pattern and a way of thinking that you become used to.

I think it becomes a habit. I don't think most people want to be there. If you ask anybody, nobody's going to say, yeah, I love it. But what happens is it becomes a habit and it's a pattern of behavior and a pattern and a way of thinking that you become used to.

It's always themselves. It's not the world around you. I get it to some extent, but it's almost always we're the problem. We either sabotage ourselves, we get in the way, we make decisions, or we think, I didn't do anything. Everything's cause and effect. Anytime you say, do, act, or don't act, it has a consequence or an effect to it. And I think sometimes we're so blasé about it.

It's always themselves. It's not the world around you. I get it to some extent, but it's almost always we're the problem. We either sabotage ourselves, we get in the way, we make decisions, or we think, I didn't do anything. Everything's cause and effect. Anytime you say, do, act, or don't act, it has a consequence or an effect to it. And I think sometimes we're so blasé about it.

I don't know if there's a reward and I don't know if people think about it. They just get stuck and they repeat the same thing because they're afraid and uncertain of if they change it, what will happen. You know, you'll see this in...

I don't know if there's a reward and I don't know if people think about it. They just get stuck and they repeat the same thing because they're afraid and uncertain of if they change it, what will happen. You know, you'll see this in...

in relationships where, you know, and it's not just domestic violence, but you'll see it in these really imbalanced relationships where you will see one person who's very dominant and one person, the dominant person, it'll be somebody who's very high power and control, setting the agenda, but not in a good way. And then you'll see another person who's very low power. weak, submissive, avoidant.

in relationships where, you know, and it's not just domestic violence, but you'll see it in these really imbalanced relationships where you will see one person who's very dominant and one person, the dominant person, it'll be somebody who's very high power and control, setting the agenda, but not in a good way. And then you'll see another person who's very low power. weak, submissive, avoidant.

The reason why that relationship works is one is here, so the other has to be here. They both can't be high power because they'll clash. And so that's why when you see a lot of these imbalanced relationships or severely imbalanced when it's domestic violence, and it can be man towards woman, woman towards man, or same sex, you will see that

The reason why that relationship works is one is here, so the other has to be here. They both can't be high power because they'll clash. And so that's why when you see a lot of these imbalanced relationships or severely imbalanced when it's domestic violence, and it can be man towards woman, woman towards man, or same sex, you will see that

It's one person who's up here, high control, and then the other person goes submissive, avoidant. This person down here is just trying to keep the peace. I don't want conflict. I don't want to upset them. I don't want to set them off. But what you do is you go deeper and deeper and deeper. And the more you try to keep the peace, the more you're submissive and avoidant and uncertain.

It's one person who's up here, high control, and then the other person goes submissive, avoidant. This person down here is just trying to keep the peace. I don't want conflict. I don't want to upset them. I don't want to set them off. But what you do is you go deeper and deeper and deeper. And the more you try to keep the peace, the more you're submissive and avoidant and uncertain.

What does the other person do? The higher up they go. Because you just help create this imbalance, this further spread of power in the relationship. They become louder, stronger, dogmatic, demanding, rigid. But that happens over time. Then you find yourself in this space where like, how did I end up here and this person's here?

What does the other person do? The higher up they go. Because you just help create this imbalance, this further spread of power in the relationship. They become louder, stronger, dogmatic, demanding, rigid. But that happens over time. Then you find yourself in this space where like, how did I end up here and this person's here?

And then that's one of those examples of where another person keeps you literally suppressed. So how are you going to trust yourself and your voice and make good decisions if you have such an individual around you? And that's another thing that keeps a person pushed down and suppressed.

And then that's one of those examples of where another person keeps you literally suppressed. So how are you going to trust yourself and your voice and make good decisions if you have such an individual around you? And that's another thing that keeps a person pushed down and suppressed.

So that's like, it's the truth is that stuff does happen, right? And it could happen. I remember Barbara Pierce Bush went to Tanzania. I'm the assistant detail leader, which means I was like the head person. And then my boss from headquarters came, but he wasn't there yet. And we were having a briefing.

So that's like, it's the truth is that stuff does happen, right? And it could happen. I remember Barbara Pierce Bush went to Tanzania. I'm the assistant detail leader, which means I was like the head person. And then my boss from headquarters came, but he wasn't there yet. And we were having a briefing.

I was protecting. I was the assistant detail leader for Barbara Pierce Bush. So George Bush Jr. 's daughter, one of the twins. It's Jenna and Barbara. I had Barbara. So she went there to do like philanthropic work, aid. And we were going to some really like not safe areas, right? A lot of vulnerabilities, a lot of concerns. So I set up the briefing. I'm the person in charge. And I

I was protecting. I was the assistant detail leader for Barbara Pierce Bush. So George Bush Jr. 's daughter, one of the twins. It's Jenna and Barbara. I had Barbara. So she went there to do like philanthropic work, aid. And we were going to some really like not safe areas, right? A lot of vulnerabilities, a lot of concerns. So I set up the briefing. I'm the person in charge. And I

And agents are coming from different parts of the country to help supplement. Some agents I've never met. So I remember one guy walks in and he's like, oh, hey, hi. So this is in the hotel room. We're having the briefing and no one's there yet. It's just him and I. Hi, you know, how are you? Okay.

And agents are coming from different parts of the country to help supplement. Some agents I've never met. So I remember one guy walks in and he's like, oh, hey, hi. So this is in the hotel room. We're having the briefing and no one's there yet. It's just him and I. Hi, you know, how are you? Okay.

He's like, hey, you know, the intern staff room is down the hall if you want to go, you know, find it. I can show you. So when he saw me, he made an assumption I was staff, intern. You know, I was part of the entourage but not an actual agent. And so I'm like, actually, no, I'm the assistant detail leader here. You know, thank you for joining. What office are you from?

He's like, hey, you know, the intern staff room is down the hall if you want to go, you know, find it. I can show you. So when he saw me, he made an assumption I was staff, intern. You know, I was part of the entourage but not an actual agent. And so I'm like, actually, no, I'm the assistant detail leader here. You know, thank you for joining. What office are you from?

So now, could I be pissed off? Sure. Did he make an assumption based on what he saw? Sure. Those are moments where, like, I don't care.

So now, could I be pissed off? Sure. Did he make an assumption based on what he saw? Sure. Those are moments where, like, I don't care.

In the Western world, the science shows that we actually downplay our faults. When we make a mistake, it's not that big of a deal. We downplay our stuff and we actually lift up our positive attributes. It's okay, but to a point, because when you downplay things and you downplay your involvement, you downplay your choices, you downplay what role you play in your life.

In the Western world, the science shows that we actually downplay our faults. When we make a mistake, it's not that big of a deal. We downplay our stuff and we actually lift up our positive attributes. It's okay, but to a point, because when you downplay things and you downplay your involvement, you downplay your choices, you downplay what role you play in your life.

No.

No.

No, who looked like a big dummy afterward? He did, not me. It does become annoying, but this is like where you got to be like, this is where you have to pick your battles. You can't fight everybody. Oh my God, Steven, imagine how exhausted you'd be if you fought every buffoon that came your way.

No, who looked like a big dummy afterward? He did, not me. It does become annoying, but this is like where you got to be like, this is where you have to pick your battles. You can't fight everybody. Oh my God, Steven, imagine how exhausted you'd be if you fought every buffoon that came your way.

Right. And I'm busy. I have things to do. Think about how much time and energy they take and waste from you. And that's talk about a life of being stagnant and doing nothing because you're too busy fighting everybody. Choose and fight strategically. So if it's something I need to fight, fight. I'll give you another example. After September 11th, the U.S.

Right. And I'm busy. I have things to do. Think about how much time and energy they take and waste from you. And that's talk about a life of being stagnant and doing nothing because you're too busy fighting everybody. Choose and fight strategically. So if it's something I need to fight, fight. I'll give you another example. After September 11th, the U.S.

Secret Service field office was in the World Trade Center 7. So when the towers collapsed, we lost our whole office. So immediately the Secret Service New York office, they were trying to find a new home. So they found office space in Brooklyn. And, you know, obviously in a place like that, like the office space needs to be designed a specific way for like what we're doing. Again, nondescript.

Secret Service field office was in the World Trade Center 7. So when the towers collapsed, we lost our whole office. So immediately the Secret Service New York office, they were trying to find a new home. So they found office space in Brooklyn. And, you know, obviously in a place like that, like the office space needs to be designed a specific way for like what we're doing. Again, nondescript.

Nobody needs to know we're there, but you're designing it to look and feel a certain way to get things done. I'm an agent now. I get called into the SACS office, which is the head boss. And he says, I need you to design this office for me. Work with headquarters. Get us nice photos. Make this look like our new home. You know, we have a lot of briefings here. I'm going to put you in charge of this.

Nobody needs to know we're there, but you're designing it to look and feel a certain way to get things done. I'm an agent now. I get called into the SACS office, which is the head boss. And he says, I need you to design this office for me. Work with headquarters. Get us nice photos. Make this look like our new home. You know, we have a lot of briefings here. I'm going to put you in charge of this.

Can you do this? Okay. Yes, sir. There's 250 agents in the office. I get pulled for interior design duty, HGTV. Here we go. So I said, all right, no problem. So I did. I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to own it. And I remember some of the women were like, aren't you? I'm like, no worries. I was like, I'm going to do the best damn job I can. So I did. Took me months. I made a nice office.

Can you do this? Okay. Yes, sir. There's 250 agents in the office. I get pulled for interior design duty, HGTV. Here we go. So I said, all right, no problem. So I did. I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to own it. And I remember some of the women were like, aren't you? I'm like, no worries. I was like, I'm going to do the best damn job I can. So I did. Took me months. I made a nice office.

I was done with it. Fast forward. That same boss puts out an open bid. New polygraph position. There's only two polygraph examiners in the New York office, 30 throughout the whole U.S. Secret Service. A spot comes open, which is rare. Everybody puts their name in whoever wants it. Everybody puts their name in. People senior to me put their name in.

I was done with it. Fast forward. That same boss puts out an open bid. New polygraph position. There's only two polygraph examiners in the New York office, 30 throughout the whole U.S. Secret Service. A spot comes open, which is rare. Everybody puts their name in whoever wants it. Everybody puts their name in. People senior to me put their name in.

And then one of the senior polygraph guys was like, why don't you put your name in? I'm like, dude, no way. No one's going to confess to me. They're going to see me. They're going to high-five each other. I'm never putting my name in. He's like, put your name in. He's like, you don't know. I wait till like the last half hour before they call it a bid closes, and I throw my name in.

And then one of the senior polygraph guys was like, why don't you put your name in? I'm like, dude, no way. No one's going to confess to me. They're going to see me. They're going to high-five each other. I'm never putting my name in. He's like, put your name in. He's like, you don't know. I wait till like the last half hour before they call it a bid closes, and I throw my name in.

I'm like, it's not going to happen. Guess what? Week later, I get a phone call. Come to my office. Same boss. Sits me down. He's like, I had X amount of people put in, maybe 30 or so people. He's like, I picked you. And he said, do you know why? I said, no, sir. He's like, I gave you that assignment to design the office and fix it. And at no point did you bitch or complain or say anything to me.

I'm like, it's not going to happen. Guess what? Week later, I get a phone call. Come to my office. Same boss. Sits me down. He's like, I had X amount of people put in, maybe 30 or so people. He's like, I picked you. And he said, do you know why? I said, no, sir. He's like, I gave you that assignment to design the office and fix it. And at no point did you bitch or complain or say anything to me.

And in fact, you did a great job. Thank you. This is your assignment. Put in.

And in fact, you did a great job. Thank you. This is your assignment. Put in.

I could have. I could have. But I assure you, I would not have gotten that position. I also knew somebody has to do it. So he happened to pick me. Maybe he likes my sense of style. Maybe not. Maybe because of the way I look. Maybe because I'm a woman. I don't know. You know what's funny? He didn't know this. I actually studied fine art in college. So... So I wasn't that appalled.

I could have. I could have. But I assure you, I would not have gotten that position. I also knew somebody has to do it. So he happened to pick me. Maybe he likes my sense of style. Maybe not. Maybe because of the way I look. Maybe because I'm a woman. I don't know. You know what's funny? He didn't know this. I actually studied fine art in college. So... So I wasn't that appalled.

And I also looked at, you know what, too? I also looked at the opportunity because now I got to work with people in headquarters that I never would have gotten exposed to. And like all the historic archive stuff. So there was a part of it I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. Now, could I have argued it? I could have. But then I guess you choose. I chose not to. Long term, it worked out for me.

And I also looked at, you know what, too? I also looked at the opportunity because now I got to work with people in headquarters that I never would have gotten exposed to. And like all the historic archive stuff. So there was a part of it I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. Now, could I have argued it? I could have. But then I guess you choose. I chose not to. Long term, it worked out for me.

then you really are essentially powerless and you're blaming the world. And I'm not saying that other people can't harm you. They will. They just will. I think if people made peace with the fact that there are bad actors out there, some I know, some I don't know, and in pursuit of their self-interest, people are going to make choices that hurt me, period, bar none the end.

then you really are essentially powerless and you're blaming the world. And I'm not saying that other people can't harm you. They will. They just will. I think if people made peace with the fact that there are bad actors out there, some I know, some I don't know, and in pursuit of their self-interest, people are going to make choices that hurt me, period, bar none the end.

There's also times where, I don't know, Stephen, like you can't care so hard. People are going to slight you. And you choose how much you're going to care about how much they slighted you. And I have noticed that the more I care, the more of a detriment it is to me. And the less I care, the better I perform overall. All I'm saying is just choose strategically.

There's also times where, I don't know, Stephen, like you can't care so hard. People are going to slight you. And you choose how much you're going to care about how much they slighted you. And I have noticed that the more I care, the more of a detriment it is to me. And the less I care, the better I perform overall. All I'm saying is just choose strategically.

Don't choose just because you're pissed. Because if you're doing it because you're pissed... Now you're being ruled by emotion. And any time you make choices by emotion, you're going to make bad choices, bar none the end.

Don't choose just because you're pissed. Because if you're doing it because you're pissed... Now you're being ruled by emotion. And any time you make choices by emotion, you're going to make bad choices, bar none the end.

But that's why I said it. That's why you're easily manipulated. If you are the person, and please know that I was that person, If you are that person where you are just reactive, reactive, reactive, you're going to sink your ship completely. It means you're not thinking through things. It means you have no self-regulation. I self-regulate. Don't get me wrong.

But that's why I said it. That's why you're easily manipulated. If you are the person, and please know that I was that person, If you are that person where you are just reactive, reactive, reactive, you're going to sink your ship completely. It means you're not thinking through things. It means you have no self-regulation. I self-regulate. Don't get me wrong.

There's times where I'm like, I'm going to burn this bridge down all the way, and I don't care. I'm good with it so long as I am choosing clear-headedly, I'm going to burn this bridge down. But I'm choosing to do it. I'm not doing it reactively. I'm not doing it because I've lost control. I'm doing it because I made that choice.

There's times where I'm like, I'm going to burn this bridge down all the way, and I don't care. I'm good with it so long as I am choosing clear-headedly, I'm going to burn this bridge down. But I'm choosing to do it. I'm not doing it reactively. I'm not doing it because I've lost control. I'm doing it because I made that choice.

I'm going to burn this bridge and this relationship, and I'm 100% okay with it. Do it. But make sure you're doing it.

I'm going to burn this bridge and this relationship, and I'm 100% okay with it. Do it. But make sure you're doing it.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And vibes.

And vibes.

And vibes. I started to shut up. I just started to be quiet. When I'm pissed, I go quiet. I don't say anything. I think that's the biggest thing. I learned to be quiet. I just learned to shut my mouth.

And vibes. I started to shut up. I just started to be quiet. When I'm pissed, I go quiet. I don't say anything. I think that's the biggest thing. I learned to be quiet. I just learned to shut my mouth.

Shut the fuck up. Rule number one. And the reason why is not to be vulgar. It's because it helped me so much. Because the more you talk, just when you talk in general, the more you talk, the more you reveal, the more people know, the more you solicit, the more people share with you, the more you get confused, the more indecisive you are, the more, the more, the more, the more.

Shut the fuck up. Rule number one. And the reason why is not to be vulgar. It's because it helped me so much. Because the more you talk, just when you talk in general, the more you talk, the more you reveal, the more people know, the more you solicit, the more people share with you, the more you get confused, the more indecisive you are, the more, the more, the more, the more.

And when I learned to stop, self-regulate, not to shoot my mouth off because I was offended, You can only get offended, first of all, if you allow yourself to get offended. There are times that people are going to cross you and disrespect you. Yes? Yes. But, like, how often can you be offended? And also, there's times, like, who cares? Like, I don't have to have everybody's respect.

And when I learned to stop, self-regulate, not to shoot my mouth off because I was offended, You can only get offended, first of all, if you allow yourself to get offended. There are times that people are going to cross you and disrespect you. Yes? Yes. But, like, how often can you be offended? And also, there's times, like, who cares? Like, I don't have to have everybody's respect.

That's another exhausting thing. I have to—you need to respect me, and you need to disrespect me. He disrespected me, and I'm Greek. It's a big thing. Like, ugh. But that's going to wear you out. And you don't need it. There were times where maybe I worked with people who I could tell I was not wanted. I remember once, NYPD, and I started off in the NYPD. NYPD, Queens Narcotics Unit.

That's another exhausting thing. I have to—you need to respect me, and you need to disrespect me. He disrespected me, and I'm Greek. It's a big thing. Like, ugh. But that's going to wear you out. And you don't need it. There were times where maybe I worked with people who I could tell I was not wanted. I remember once, NYPD, and I started off in the NYPD. NYPD, Queens Narcotics Unit.

If you can live with that and understand that, you will be okay. Because you just have more awareness. In fact, when I did polygraphs, the interview room, after I interviewed so many people, and typically I would interview suspects, people that we suspected committing a crime.

If you can live with that and understand that, you will be okay. Because you just have more awareness. In fact, when I did polygraphs, the interview room, after I interviewed so many people, and typically I would interview suspects, people that we suspected committing a crime.

Sorry, guys, this is a true story. And I was sent to partner up with Queens Narcotics to take down this guy who was doing child porn and counterfeit money in addition to drugs. So I get sent to the task force. This is a hardcore task force within the NYPD. I show up with agents. I'm the lead agent in charge. And I show up and they were not happy to see me. Not at all. And I remember walking in.

Sorry, guys, this is a true story. And I was sent to partner up with Queens Narcotics to take down this guy who was doing child porn and counterfeit money in addition to drugs. So I get sent to the task force. This is a hardcore task force within the NYPD. I show up with agents. I'm the lead agent in charge. And I show up and they were not happy to see me. Not at all. And I remember walking in.

I don't know how it is now. I'm sure it's not. But, you know, women, calendars, centerfolds, all over the place. I walked in. Personally, I didn't care. But I was just like, I think this is going to be a problem. Not me, them. Them for me. And I could tell that they didn't want me there. They started leaving information out of briefings.

I don't know how it is now. I'm sure it's not. But, you know, women, calendars, centerfolds, all over the place. I walked in. Personally, I didn't care. But I was just like, I think this is going to be a problem. Not me, them. Them for me. And I could tell that they didn't want me there. They started leaving information out of briefings.

They would ignore me when we were at doing the search warrants, like really tactical things that they were doing that were wrong. And this was a ring of people that we were trying to take down. So the first time, and then plus my team seeing this. So I don't say anything. My team doesn't say anything. My team's all guys. And thankfully, I had really respectful agents with me.

They would ignore me when we were at doing the search warrants, like really tactical things that they were doing that were wrong. And this was a ring of people that we were trying to take down. So the first time, and then plus my team seeing this. So I don't say anything. My team doesn't say anything. My team's all guys. And thankfully, I had really respectful agents with me.

But these guys are seeing it. They're seeing how they're treating me by proxy, them. No one's saying anything. They're disregarding us. And the reason why we were asked to be there is because we're experts in counterfeit. We're also experts in child porn. So we do the arrest. It's done. But then there's a subsequent arrest that happens. And we show up for that. Same thing.

But these guys are seeing it. They're seeing how they're treating me by proxy, them. No one's saying anything. They're disregarding us. And the reason why we were asked to be there is because we're experts in counterfeit. We're also experts in child porn. So we do the arrest. It's done. But then there's a subsequent arrest that happens. And we show up for that. Same thing.

Like literally ignoring you like you're not even there. We do the arrest. We do the prints. And at one point they even leave the precinct. And we're like, where did they go? They just completely ditched us. And I remember going back to my group leader, Carl. And I go to Carl, I said, hey, listen, if these guys call again, because there were more arrests, I was like, don't send me out there.

Like literally ignoring you like you're not even there. We do the arrest. We do the prints. And at one point they even leave the precinct. And we're like, where did they go? They just completely ditched us. And I remember going back to my group leader, Carl. And I go to Carl, I said, hey, listen, if these guys call again, because there were more arrests, I was like, don't send me out there.

And he's like, why? I'm like, it's very clear they don't want me there. I said, I don't want to fight, but I'm not also going to sit and stand my ground and put myself somewhere I don't want to be. I don't like the way it feels. I don't want to be there. It's bad for the team. Send a dude. Send a dude. Don't send me back out there. I won't go.

And he's like, why? I'm like, it's very clear they don't want me there. I said, I don't want to fight, but I'm not also going to sit and stand my ground and put myself somewhere I don't want to be. I don't like the way it feels. I don't want to be there. It's bad for the team. Send a dude. Send a dude. Don't send me back out there. I won't go.

No.

No.

Like yourselves out. This is also where you choose what circles you want to be in. It was a circle I chose I didn't want to be in. You can't change a mindset and culture of people. Also think about it. It wasn't one person I was up against. It was the whole group. So now I'm going to come in and bulldoze my way into this what group mentality. I think this is where I really learned to navigate

Like yourselves out. This is also where you choose what circles you want to be in. It was a circle I chose I didn't want to be in. You can't change a mindset and culture of people. Also think about it. It wasn't one person I was up against. It was the whole group. So now I'm going to come in and bulldoze my way into this what group mentality. I think this is where I really learned to navigate

And you have to be good at it, like where to fight, where to walk away from. And I was like, I don't need to be here. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I've earned it. I'm like, half of you yahoos couldn't become a special agent if you applied. Like it's a hard thing to become, to go from a cop to do that. So with that, I was like, no, I don't need to.

And you have to be good at it, like where to fight, where to walk away from. And I was like, I don't need to be here. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I've earned it. I'm like, half of you yahoos couldn't become a special agent if you applied. Like it's a hard thing to become, to go from a cop to do that. So with that, I was like, no, I don't need to.

Lie detector tests. But I was a lie detector. Not the machine. A lot of people think you hook that thing up. Oh, ping, they're lying. No. Like you sit there, you assess people, you read people. What the polygraph does... is it tells you when you ask a series of questions to this person. I hook Steven up, I ask him a series of several questions.

Lie detector tests. But I was a lie detector. Not the machine. A lot of people think you hook that thing up. Oh, ping, they're lying. No. Like you sit there, you assess people, you read people. What the polygraph does... is it tells you when you ask a series of questions to this person. I hook Steven up, I ask him a series of several questions.

And it's actually the only time I ever did that because it was that egregious. It was egregious, and I thought it was a danger to me and also a danger to the other special agents. I felt like I had a responsibility, and I'm like, if I'm working with the Queens Narcotics Task Force and they're not communicating, they're withholding information, someone's going to get shot.

And it's actually the only time I ever did that because it was that egregious. It was egregious, and I thought it was a danger to me and also a danger to the other special agents. I felt like I had a responsibility, and I'm like, if I'm working with the Queens Narcotics Task Force and they're not communicating, they're withholding information, someone's going to get shot.

I was like, and that's on them, not on me, but I'm also not going to partake.

I was like, and that's on them, not on me, but I'm also not going to partake.

Okay? Who is it? So if it's my partner, so I'm married, I have a husband. He's another special agent. If he does something where I feel disrespected because I care so deeply about that relationship and the integrity of that relationship, him... I might argue it, not to argue, but because I want to keep a good, healthy relationship. Now, don't get me wrong.

Okay? Who is it? So if it's my partner, so I'm married, I have a husband. He's another special agent. If he does something where I feel disrespected because I care so deeply about that relationship and the integrity of that relationship, him... I might argue it, not to argue, but because I want to keep a good, healthy relationship. Now, don't get me wrong.

Being in a relationship, you also let a lot of things go, right? So it's, again, what am I willing to let go? I don't want to say silly, but what's really not important? And what's like, hey, I want to address this with you, and this is why. So for me, that takes hierarchy. Who your partner is, we talked about that before.

Being in a relationship, you also let a lot of things go, right? So it's, again, what am I willing to let go? I don't want to say silly, but what's really not important? And what's like, hey, I want to address this with you, and this is why. So for me, that takes hierarchy. Who your partner is, we talked about that before.

Bar none, that is really such a crux of how well you're going to do in life. They're either going to raise you up or they're going to sink you down. So that matters. And I will do my best not to be belligerent when I'm having that discussion, right?

Bar none, that is really such a crux of how well you're going to do in life. They're either going to raise you up or they're going to sink you down. So that matters. And I will do my best not to be belligerent when I'm having that discussion, right?

Now, everybody else falls to the side for me because I understand the value of being with a person and you're with that person 90% of the time and that's an investment in that relationship. But aside from everybody else, mostly everybody else, I can let it go. I always look at, are you worth my time and energy? I'm busy. So do I need to stop and do I need to address you?

Now, everybody else falls to the side for me because I understand the value of being with a person and you're with that person 90% of the time and that's an investment in that relationship. But aside from everybody else, mostly everybody else, I can let it go. I always look at, are you worth my time and energy? I'm busy. So do I need to stop and do I need to address you?

Okay.

Okay.

I look to see what Steven's autonomic nervous system is doing. Heartbeat, right? Does that change? Your electrodermal activity, how much you sweat. your breathing, the way you breathe. So that's why you have the blood pressure cuff, you have the electrodermal plates, which actually look at sweating.

I look to see what Steven's autonomic nervous system is doing. Heartbeat, right? Does that change? Your electrodermal activity, how much you sweat. your breathing, the way you breathe. So that's why you have the blood pressure cuff, you have the electrodermal plates, which actually look at sweating.

So I would deal with a specific situation, not the whole thing. I would pick a moment where I have tangible facts, and I would say, can I speak to you for a moment?

So I would deal with a specific situation, not the whole thing. I would pick a moment where I have tangible facts, and I would say, can I speak to you for a moment?

I'm not going to do it in front of other people.

I'm not going to do it in front of other people.

not do anything? Well, it also depends because you said, I didn't do anything. I was trying to feed myself. And that plays a role. Like, where are you?

not do anything? Well, it also depends because you said, I didn't do anything. I was trying to feed myself. And that plays a role. Like, where are you?

It's imperceptible to you, but the plates will pick up the sweating activity, the change in breathing. So if I'm asking you a series of questions, I'm looking at how your body deviates during those questions. You even have sensors because sometimes people try to beat the polygraph. And so there's sensor pads that we have to see if they're doing certain movements or not.

It's imperceptible to you, but the plates will pick up the sweating activity, the change in breathing. So if I'm asking you a series of questions, I'm looking at how your body deviates during those questions. You even have sensors because sometimes people try to beat the polygraph. And so there's sensor pads that we have to see if they're doing certain movements or not.

But I think that that's okay too. But you also came to that place. It's like I think each person has to choose, and if you choose to do it, you can do it. Now, the fact that you did it in front of people, but what you did that was smart is you were able to speak. As upset as you were, you were able to speak and articulate yourself clearly. Yeah.

But I think that that's okay too. But you also came to that place. It's like I think each person has to choose, and if you choose to do it, you can do it. Now, the fact that you did it in front of people, but what you did that was smart is you were able to speak. As upset as you were, you were able to speak and articulate yourself clearly. Yeah.

And it had just happened, and you were able to say what just specifically happened here. That's the difference, because sometimes it's like, I feel like you treat me this way, or I think you did this, or it seems like that. Those are very ambiguous. So if you're going to confront someone like you did, You did it the smart way because you picked a specific moment.

And it had just happened, and you were able to say what just specifically happened here. That's the difference, because sometimes it's like, I feel like you treat me this way, or I think you did this, or it seems like that. Those are very ambiguous. So if you're going to confront someone like you did, You did it the smart way because you picked a specific moment.

You said specifically out in the hallway, you just did this. You said X, Y, and Z. If you want to say something to me, always feel free to come say it to me. That's why I also think it worked. And you're also in a place where you feel like you can do that. I think that that's okay too. But you also took a risk and you're like, uncertainty, like I'll burn this down.

You said specifically out in the hallway, you just did this. You said X, Y, and Z. If you want to say something to me, always feel free to come say it to me. That's why I also think it worked. And you're also in a place where you feel like you can do that. I think that that's okay too. But you also took a risk and you're like, uncertainty, like I'll burn this down.

But you chose. You're like, let it burn.

But you chose. You're like, let it burn.

Exactly. But you made a choice. You're like, let it burn. So you at some point understood there's a consequence here. And it's interesting because bullies, they flex. They're not very powerful. You know, I had—oh, gosh, we're, like, swapping stories here. I had one scenario where I inherit a case. You know, every—John's gone. He went to the president's detail. You are now taking John's case. Okay.

Exactly. But you made a choice. You're like, let it burn. So you at some point understood there's a consequence here. And it's interesting because bullies, they flex. They're not very powerful. You know, I had—oh, gosh, we're, like, swapping stories here. I had one scenario where I inherit a case. You know, every—John's gone. He went to the president's detail. You are now taking John's case. Okay.

There's a lot of things. So first, one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special. You're not that special. For example, I was one of the first responders at 9-11. I watched thousands of people die. And one of the things that got me through it was understanding I wasn't alone in it. And when you learn that, you can get through anything.

There's a lot of things. So first, one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special. You're not that special. For example, I was one of the first responders at 9-11. I watched thousands of people die. And one of the things that got me through it was understanding I wasn't alone in it. And when you learn that, you can get through anything.

So there were some things that were incomplete in John's case with regard to evidence. It was admin stuff. The admin paperwork for evidence hadn't been filled out yet. I got the case. I pushed it to the side. I— worked on it. I would update it, but I hadn't done the admin thing with it. Fast forward, I'm leaving because I just got bumped to a different position.

So there were some things that were incomplete in John's case with regard to evidence. It was admin stuff. The admin paperwork for evidence hadn't been filled out yet. I got the case. I pushed it to the side. I— worked on it. I would update it, but I hadn't done the admin thing with it. Fast forward, I'm leaving because I just got bumped to a different position.

And so the new agent that got it, I'm like, hey, here's the case. I said, there's one thing that I didn't get to do. It's the admin thing for the evidence. I'm like, I can help you go through it, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, the group leader I had at the time, which was a peer in front of the whole group, one day he's like, hey, You didn't do this admin.

And so the new agent that got it, I'm like, hey, here's the case. I said, there's one thing that I didn't get to do. It's the admin thing for the evidence. I'm like, I can help you go through it, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, the group leader I had at the time, which was a peer in front of the whole group, one day he's like, hey, You didn't do this admin.

You didn't file the evidence for whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's doing this in front of everybody. You know, you need to take care of that. And that's on you. And I don't care that you inherited the case and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm watching this happen. And I assure you, all I wanted to do was like reach over and lunge him by the neck. But I didn't. I left. I was pissed.

You didn't file the evidence for whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's doing this in front of everybody. You know, you need to take care of that. And that's on you. And I don't care that you inherited the case and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm watching this happen. And I assure you, all I wanted to do was like reach over and lunge him by the neck. But I didn't. I left. I was pissed.

I let it ride, my anger ride. And later that day, I went and I found him after I calmed down. And his name was Jeff. I'm like, hey, Jeff, come here. Let me talk to you. And I took him into the stairwell because we had these secure stairwells. I said, listen. Earlier on, you brought up this case. Your arms are 100% right. I didn't finish the admin paperwork for the evidence.

I let it ride, my anger ride. And later that day, I went and I found him after I calmed down. And his name was Jeff. I'm like, hey, Jeff, come here. Let me talk to you. And I took him into the stairwell because we had these secure stairwells. I said, listen. Earlier on, you brought up this case. Your arms are 100% right. I didn't finish the admin paperwork for the evidence.

I will take care of it, and I will help the new agent do it. I said, however, I was like, if you ever want to address me, because he was very insulting when he did it. He did it in front of the whole group to flex. I said, if you ever want to address me, don't ever do it like that again.

I will take care of it, and I will help the new agent do it. I said, however, I was like, if you ever want to address me, because he was very insulting when he did it. He did it in front of the whole group to flex. I said, if you ever want to address me, don't ever do it like that again.

I personally don't think you can beat it. But again, the test itself means nothing. You can't take it to court. You can't say, judge, they failed their polygraph. That's not what it's there for. It's there to get more information. And look, who are you, if you're lying, who are you really in judgment of? Yourself. That's why your body's reacting.

I personally don't think you can beat it. But again, the test itself means nothing. You can't take it to court. You can't say, judge, they failed their polygraph. That's not what it's there for. It's there to get more information. And look, who are you, if you're lying, who are you really in judgment of? Yourself. That's why your body's reacting.

I go, because I'm addressing you, and I'm actually giving you more respect than you showed me in there before by pulling you into this stairwell. I said, so if you want to address me, feel free to pull me to the side and speak to me. But what you did out there, there's no need. We're peers. And that's it. You may be the group leader, but there's no need to talk to me like that.

I go, because I'm addressing you, and I'm actually giving you more respect than you showed me in there before by pulling you into this stairwell. I said, so if you want to address me, feel free to pull me to the side and speak to me. But what you did out there, there's no need. We're peers. And that's it. You may be the group leader, but there's no need to talk to me like that.

I go, have the decency to address me the way, with the courtesy that I'm giving you, because I could have easily tore your head off in there.

I go, have the decency to address me the way, with the courtesy that I'm giving you, because I could have easily tore your head off in there.

He was a peer slash group leader. So we were the same, but he happened to be a group leader, which meant he oversaw me. I said, so next time, there's not going to be a next time. It was immediately, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Now, for that scenario, I wanted to have long-term good relationships, because this person was in my squad. And so that's why I handle it like that.

He was a peer slash group leader. So we were the same, but he happened to be a group leader, which meant he oversaw me. I said, so next time, there's not going to be a next time. It was immediately, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Now, for that scenario, I wanted to have long-term good relationships, because this person was in my squad. And so that's why I handle it like that.

Never happened again. So I guess there's different ways to do it. With Jeff, I preserved his dignity. Because if I would have shot back, he would have shot back at me. I would have shot back at him. And there's a point, too, where I'm like, I don't want to sit and fight and look stupid. I want to be in control of how I manage an environment.

Never happened again. So I guess there's different ways to do it. With Jeff, I preserved his dignity. Because if I would have shot back, he would have shot back at me. I would have shot back at him. And there's a point, too, where I'm like, I don't want to sit and fight and look stupid. I want to be in control of how I manage an environment.

And me yelling back or confronting someone sometimes may not be it, especially if I think I can't keep myself composed. And in that moment, there was no way I was going to be composed.

And me yelling back or confronting someone sometimes may not be it, especially if I think I can't keep myself composed. And in that moment, there was no way I was going to be composed.

What are you talking about? I don't know what you mean. No, that's not what I meant. That's why you have to come with very specific stuff. But, you know, even if you said you were pissed when you did it, if you were still able to articulate yourself, you were. I think it's okay to own it. Listen, I'm not saying I've always flown like... up top.

What are you talking about? I don't know what you mean. No, that's not what I meant. That's why you have to come with very specific stuff. But, you know, even if you said you were pissed when you did it, if you were still able to articulate yourself, you were. I think it's okay to own it. Listen, I'm not saying I've always flown like... up top.

Like there's times where I'm like, I shouldn't have done that or said it, but I also run hot and I know myself. And so I have to police myself. And then there's times like we learn our lesson. It's just, I think whatever you do, just own it. Whether if it was the wrong thing to do, just say, I won't do that next time. But I feel like you were okay.

Like there's times where I'm like, I shouldn't have done that or said it, but I also run hot and I know myself. And so I have to police myself. And then there's times like we learn our lesson. It's just, I think whatever you do, just own it. Whether if it was the wrong thing to do, just say, I won't do that next time. But I feel like you were okay.

So what is she doing, actually? She's becoming... Suppressing herself. Yes.

So what is she doing, actually? She's becoming... Suppressing herself. Yes.

I think that that's okay, too, though. Like, she can, it reminds me of that narcotics story. It's like, she's just like, I just don't want to be here anymore.

I think that that's okay, too, though. Like, she can, it reminds me of that narcotics story. It's like, she's just like, I just don't want to be here anymore.

But at the same time, too, if she keeps going, when you go small, small, small, they go higher, higher. It's, you know, speaking of Billy's... I'm going to bring it back to crime. When I started interviewing suspects, right, you watch TV shows and in your head you think these predators, right, are like these like really intimidating, scary predators, the way they behave.

But at the same time, too, if she keeps going, when you go small, small, small, they go higher, higher. It's, you know, speaking of Billy's... I'm going to bring it back to crime. When I started interviewing suspects, right, you watch TV shows and in your head you think these predators, right, are like these like really intimidating, scary predators, the way they behave.

And you think like, I'm going to get these like savages in the room. Nope. And you know what's interesting? When you look at the populations of people being victimized the most, first it's children, then it's women, and then it's elderly. Why? Because they're the easiest to victimize. So when you look at predators, they pick easy prey or what they perceive as easy prey.

And you think like, I'm going to get these like savages in the room. Nope. And you know what's interesting? When you look at the populations of people being victimized the most, first it's children, then it's women, and then it's elderly. Why? Because they're the easiest to victimize. So when you look at predators, they pick easy prey or what they perceive as easy prey.

They don't want fair fights. I would sit across people in the room who did like really horrific crimes against kids. And you would look at them and you're like, you? I could eat you for lunch. A lot of times, too, we build up people in our heads and we think like they're these high apex individuals. They're not. They prey on people weaker than themselves. And why?

They don't want fair fights. I would sit across people in the room who did like really horrific crimes against kids. And you would look at them and you're like, you? I could eat you for lunch. A lot of times, too, we build up people in our heads and we think like they're these high apex individuals. They're not. They prey on people weaker than themselves. And why?

It makes them feel stronger and better, more powerful. Why do you need to do that? Because you feel weak. That's why you do that. That's why you bully. That's why you push. Because you feel a void and you look to fill that void by taking from other people. And that's what makes you feel strong. All these predators, I never sat across from anybody. to include terrorists.

It makes them feel stronger and better, more powerful. Why do you need to do that? Because you feel weak. That's why you do that. That's why you bully. That's why you push. Because you feel a void and you look to fill that void by taking from other people. And that's what makes you feel strong. All these predators, I never sat across from anybody. to include terrorists.

I never sat across anyone and I was just like, oh, this guy's scary. Never. I'm shocked actually as I say it. I have never to this day sat across someone where I'm like, oof, not once. Everybody, I'd walk in and I'm like, you? In my head, of course, the inside voice. Like, you did this? And so I guess like bullies, like I think sometimes we unfortunately give them more weight than

I never sat across anyone and I was just like, oh, this guy's scary. Never. I'm shocked actually as I say it. I have never to this day sat across someone where I'm like, oof, not once. Everybody, I'd walk in and I'm like, you? In my head, of course, the inside voice. Like, you did this? And so I guess like bullies, like I think sometimes we unfortunately give them more weight than

and gravitas, then they really are weak. Weakness all the way through.

and gravitas, then they really are weak. Weakness all the way through.

You stop acting like prey. So the one thing you're not going to be is, it depends who it is. First of all, if it's personal relationships, you have to set the intention of the relationship from the beginning, how you want it to go. So let's do work. Work is an easy one. I'm not there to be your friend. I can be friendly, but I'm not going to be your friend.

You stop acting like prey. So the one thing you're not going to be is, it depends who it is. First of all, if it's personal relationships, you have to set the intention of the relationship from the beginning, how you want it to go. So let's do work. Work is an easy one. I'm not there to be your friend. I can be friendly, but I'm not going to be your friend.

I'm not there to be super nice to you or super sweet or super kind. I can be warm. I can be respectful. I can be compassionate. I can be those things, but I got to bring the right version of me to a work environment because then I just get... Because then I set the tone of like, well, is Evie my friend? Or is Evie my boss? Like, what am I dealing with here?

I'm not there to be super nice to you or super sweet or super kind. I can be warm. I can be respectful. I can be compassionate. I can be those things, but I got to bring the right version of me to a work environment because then I just get... Because then I set the tone of like, well, is Evie my friend? Or is Evie my boss? Like, what am I dealing with here?

Like, always keep that level of professionalism. Always. And I make a point to do it because then it just becomes really awkward if people are your friends. Can you balance a relationship like that? You just got to be really, really, really, really good. But don't come in and literally make yourself a doormat or overextend to the point.

Like, always keep that level of professionalism. Always. And I make a point to do it because then it just becomes really awkward if people are your friends. Can you balance a relationship like that? You just got to be really, really, really, really good. But don't come in and literally make yourself a doormat or overextend to the point.

Because the more you overextend, even a good person is going to be like, oh, that's just how she is. That's how he is. They get used to being like that. And people... like being catered to. They like feeling like they're above. And so now you create this role dynamic of I'm subservient and you're here.

Because the more you overextend, even a good person is going to be like, oh, that's just how she is. That's how he is. They get used to being like that. And people... like being catered to. They like feeling like they're above. And so now you create this role dynamic of I'm subservient and you're here.

So you want to make sure that no matter how excited you are to work with someone or be with someone, that you don't create this disproportionate thing. You want to keep the seesaw level. It'll go up and down. But you want to make sure that you, because you will do it. Everybody assesses everybody. Everybody sizes people up. They do it intuitively. People meet you, they size you up.

So you want to make sure that no matter how excited you are to work with someone or be with someone, that you don't create this disproportionate thing. You want to keep the seesaw level. It'll go up and down. But you want to make sure that you, because you will do it. Everybody assesses everybody. Everybody sizes people up. They do it intuitively. People meet you, they size you up.

Oh, he seems like this. She seems like that. She seems like she's going to be this way. Project what you want them to feel. I'm here. I'm warm. I'm open. I'm happy to be here again. Thank you for having me. Let's talk. But at the same time, you can also think about how you sit, how you carry yourself, your voice, your tone. All these things play along together.

Oh, he seems like this. She seems like that. She seems like she's going to be this way. Project what you want them to feel. I'm here. I'm warm. I'm open. I'm happy to be here again. Thank you for having me. Let's talk. But at the same time, you can also think about how you sit, how you carry yourself, your voice, your tone. All these things play along together.

I know people talk about body language. It does play a role in the fact that, look, something as simple as when you go to meetings, Are you in the meeting and you're like this? You're small. Maybe you got your phone out, right? What am I doing? I'm making myself small. My hands aren't on the table because I don't think I'm worth putting my hands on the table, right?

I know people talk about body language. It does play a role in the fact that, look, something as simple as when you go to meetings, Are you in the meeting and you're like this? You're small. Maybe you got your phone out, right? What am I doing? I'm making myself small. My hands aren't on the table because I don't think I'm worth putting my hands on the table, right?

I want to literally make myself disappear. I'm not going to ask any questions. I'm going to maybe sit like this with my thing here, right? So this is telling you a story about me. It is. So it's a really subtle way to be like, Why don't I sit with purpose? I'm going to sit like this. I'm going to have my arms out. I'm going to have my shoulders back.

I want to literally make myself disappear. I'm not going to ask any questions. I'm going to maybe sit like this with my thing here, right? So this is telling you a story about me. It is. So it's a really subtle way to be like, Why don't I sit with purpose? I'm going to sit like this. I'm going to have my arms out. I'm going to have my shoulders back.

Something as simple as just my posture means something. There's a study actually done. New York City, they put up cameras years ago and they started recording people walking in New York City. Then they took the footage and they played it to convicted felons in prison. And they said to them, who would you pick as prey? They all picked the same people to pray on. All the same people, just by walk.

Something as simple as just my posture means something. There's a study actually done. New York City, they put up cameras years ago and they started recording people walking in New York City. Then they took the footage and they played it to convicted felons in prison. And they said to them, who would you pick as prey? They all picked the same people to pray on. All the same people, just by walk.

There were three types of walk they found out. One walk was, I'm walking, I'm sloppy, I'm not paying attention, I'm just like in my own space. I have really no deliberate purpose in the way I'm moving my body. Target. Easy prey. Other easy prey. My walk is small. I'm more timid. I'm kind of like not comfortable. I'm like paying attention. Easy prey. Those two bar none were picked.

There were three types of walk they found out. One walk was, I'm walking, I'm sloppy, I'm not paying attention, I'm just like in my own space. I have really no deliberate purpose in the way I'm moving my body. Target. Easy prey. Other easy prey. My walk is small. I'm more timid. I'm kind of like not comfortable. I'm like paying attention. Easy prey. Those two bar none were picked.

You know who they didn't pick? The walk wasn't too sloppy big. It wasn't too small. It was right in the middle. And it's deliberate. I'm in control of my body. I'm looking around. I'm present. I own my space. That person, I want nothing to do with. Those group of people were not picked to be targets. So we exude vibes, energy, all that stuff.

You know who they didn't pick? The walk wasn't too sloppy big. It wasn't too small. It was right in the middle. And it's deliberate. I'm in control of my body. I'm looking around. I'm present. I own my space. That person, I want nothing to do with. Those group of people were not picked to be targets. So we exude vibes, energy, all that stuff.

But even this, this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body, Think about how you use it to portray yourself when you're out there. Am I commanding myself or am I just not paying attention at all? So even subtle things like that. Your voice. It's called paralinguistics. And I wrote about it a lot in Becoming Bulletproof. Your voice. Do I talk like this? Hi, I'm Evie. So nice to meet you.

But even this, this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body, Think about how you use it to portray yourself when you're out there. Am I commanding myself or am I just not paying attention at all? So even subtle things like that. Your voice. It's called paralinguistics. And I wrote about it a lot in Becoming Bulletproof. Your voice. Do I talk like this? Hi, I'm Evie. So nice to meet you.

I'm so glad to be here. Hi, guys. Love it. Right? What kind of guest am I going to be? Right? But when I find my true voice and I own it, I slow down my speech. I bring down my tone and pitch to my true voice, to at least the most powerful voice. And I'm grounded. And I take my time. And I'm also, when I speak and I take my time, I'm letting you know I deserve to be here.

I'm so glad to be here. Hi, guys. Love it. Right? What kind of guest am I going to be? Right? But when I find my true voice and I own it, I slow down my speech. I bring down my tone and pitch to my true voice, to at least the most powerful voice. And I'm grounded. And I take my time. And I'm also, when I speak and I take my time, I'm letting you know I deserve to be here.

What I'm saying deserves to be heard, and I deserve to take time for you to listen to me, as opposed to when I speak really, really fast because, hey, guys, look, really quick. I don't want to take up anybody's time anymore. I know you're all busy. What did I just tell everybody? Don't listen to me.

What I'm saying deserves to be heard, and I deserve to take time for you to listen to me, as opposed to when I speak really, really fast because, hey, guys, look, really quick. I don't want to take up anybody's time anymore. I know you're all busy. What did I just tell everybody? Don't listen to me.

What I'm about to say isn't really relevant, and you're more important, and what I'm about to say really isn't. I just killed it. How many times do people finish meetings like that? Why are you saying that? You just told them, don't listen to me. These are subtle things that if we just pay attention to, you don't have to do a lot. You don't have to do a lot. There's no magic pill.

What I'm about to say isn't really relevant, and you're more important, and what I'm about to say really isn't. I just killed it. How many times do people finish meetings like that? Why are you saying that? You just told them, don't listen to me. These are subtle things that if we just pay attention to, you don't have to do a lot. You don't have to do a lot. There's no magic pill.

There's no secret to this other than really own yourself and think about what am I exuding with my energy, with my body, with my voice, even your voice. Your voice captures so many things. You have to think of it like over your time in your life, your voice captures the things you've been through.

There's no secret to this other than really own yourself and think about what am I exuding with my energy, with my body, with my voice, even your voice. Your voice captures so many things. You have to think of it like over your time in your life, your voice captures the things you've been through.

Whether you were told to be quiet, be a good girl, be a good boy, don't talk loud, don't do this, don't do that. And you have to think like over time, this voice has become a bit mangled because other people around you were telling you how to use it. And often we're actually not using our true voice.

Whether you were told to be quiet, be a good girl, be a good boy, don't talk loud, don't do this, don't do that. And you have to think like over time, this voice has become a bit mangled because other people around you were telling you how to use it. And often we're actually not using our true voice.

It's the voice that we've sort of somehow manufactured and created based off of what everybody else told us it should sound like. And so you want to pay attention to that. Like, how do I sound? And I even noticed when I—my husband pointed this out because he's kind of got the same background. He said to me once, he's like, you ever notice that when you talk to your mom, your voice goes high?

It's the voice that we've sort of somehow manufactured and created based off of what everybody else told us it should sound like. And so you want to pay attention to that. Like, how do I sound? And I even noticed when I—my husband pointed this out because he's kind of got the same background. He said to me once, he's like, you ever notice that when you talk to your mom, your voice goes high?

And I was like, it does? He's like, yeah, it does. Because she's my mom. She's an authority. And also she has a higher voice because she talks with a very high voice. And I'm like, you're right. And so even with my daughter, because I have a little one.

And I was like, it does? He's like, yeah, it does. Because she's my mom. She's an authority. And also she has a higher voice because she talks with a very high voice. And I'm like, you're right. And so even with my daughter, because I have a little one.

I try very hard to make sure that I don't do like the baby babbling voice and like the high-pitched voice because I don't want her to grow up thinking that because she's a girl, she has to talk like this all the time. Hi, Mom! Because I want her to have a strong commanding presence. And where's she going to learn that from? her mom.

I try very hard to make sure that I don't do like the baby babbling voice and like the high-pitched voice because I don't want her to grow up thinking that because she's a girl, she has to talk like this all the time. Hi, Mom! Because I want her to have a strong commanding presence. And where's she going to learn that from? her mom.

In fact, there are studies done that even in scenarios where a child may be favored the opposite sex parent, they imitate the same sex parent. So my daughter, whether she likes me or not growing up, will imitate my behavior more so because I'm the one she's learning from. And so I have awareness with that.

In fact, there are studies done that even in scenarios where a child may be favored the opposite sex parent, they imitate the same sex parent. So my daughter, whether she likes me or not growing up, will imitate my behavior more so because I'm the one she's learning from. And so I have awareness with that.

It starts with who's around you. That's where it starts. If you have people around you, anybody can break victimhood. Like anybody can. You can. So I want to put that out there. Just because you're locked in a place doesn't mean you have to stay in there. You can. But usually if you're locked in somewhere, it's because the system you have around you

It starts with who's around you. That's where it starts. If you have people around you, anybody can break victimhood. Like anybody can. You can. So I want to put that out there. Just because you're locked in a place doesn't mean you have to stay in there. You can. But usually if you're locked in somewhere, it's because the system you have around you

Who's going to listen to anything I say? Hi, everybody. Welcome. Today we had a mass shooting. Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about? I don't. Even if what I'm saying is correct... It's do I believe in the words that I'm saying? Do I own the words I'm saying? If I don't believe in them and I don't sound like I'm not talking about, you won't either. In fact, when you watch any...

Who's going to listen to anything I say? Hi, everybody. Welcome. Today we had a mass shooting. Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about? I don't. Even if what I'm saying is correct... It's do I believe in the words that I'm saying? Do I own the words I'm saying? If I don't believe in them and I don't sound like I'm not talking about, you won't either. In fact, when you watch any...

any news anchor, you will hear they've got a strong anchored voice. Because even with breaking news, stuff changes all the time. I remember I was covering the recent shooting in New Orleans. It's breaking news. I'm getting information as it's coming in and I'm doing a breakdown the best I can with the information that's coming in. But I still have to convey it in a way

any news anchor, you will hear they've got a strong anchored voice. Because even with breaking news, stuff changes all the time. I remember I was covering the recent shooting in New Orleans. It's breaking news. I'm getting information as it's coming in and I'm doing a breakdown the best I can with the information that's coming in. But I still have to convey it in a way

where people can trust and believe in what I'm saying. But if I don't sound like I believe in what I'm saying, it's not going to land. This, the way you sound has more impact than the words you actually say. That's a big thing. I learned this later on. I learned this as an agent and then even more so when I began doing TV because there were times where I'm like, man, this is what I sound like.

where people can trust and believe in what I'm saying. But if I don't sound like I believe in what I'm saying, it's not going to land. This, the way you sound has more impact than the words you actually say. That's a big thing. I learned this later on. I learned this as an agent and then even more so when I began doing TV because there were times where I'm like, man, this is what I sound like.

I don't know if you've ever had that. Maybe when you first started off.

I don't know if you've ever had that. Maybe when you first started off.

Where you play yourself and you hear yourself and you're just like, oh.

Where you play yourself and you hear yourself and you're just like, oh.

And then you're like, you know, I need to fix that. I don't need to sound like that. I need to sound a certain way. I'm the host of a podcast. I'm asking these questions. I'm sitting across from these people. I need to match them to some degree to show that, like, please listen to my show. I deserve to be here. I'm giving you good information. I'm credible. I'm credible.

And then you're like, you know, I need to fix that. I don't need to sound like that. I need to sound a certain way. I'm the host of a podcast. I'm asking these questions. I'm sitting across from these people. I need to match them to some degree to show that, like, please listen to my show. I deserve to be here. I'm giving you good information. I'm credible. I'm credible.

Yeah, it's probably because I'm Greek.

Yeah, it's probably because I'm Greek.

So don't hide your hands. Just for anybody listening, 101, if you're sitting in a meeting, don't hide your hands. Don't sit on them. Don't hide them. Just one, it doesn't look good. It doesn't send a good message. It sounds like you're kind of insecure. You don't want to be there. Hands out. I'm here. I'm present. And yes, these are called illustrators.

So don't hide your hands. Just for anybody listening, 101, if you're sitting in a meeting, don't hide your hands. Don't sit on them. Don't hide them. Just one, it doesn't look good. It doesn't send a good message. It sounds like you're kind of insecure. You don't want to be there. Hands out. I'm here. I'm present. And yes, these are called illustrators.

that you also helped create and perpetuate to some degree. We're not completely innocent. We play a role. The system that is built around you keeps you. Think of it this way. It keeps you in jail. So you have to look at your environment and say, what about my environment is keeping me here? Usually it's a person or people. Hopefully it's one and you're not dealing with multiple.

that you also helped create and perpetuate to some degree. We're not completely innocent. We play a role. The system that is built around you keeps you. Think of it this way. It keeps you in jail. So you have to look at your environment and say, what about my environment is keeping me here? Usually it's a person or people. Hopefully it's one and you're not dealing with multiple.

When you do this with your hands, it's called illustrators. Now, there's a couple of things with illustrators. One is It can make it more interesting to watch someone speaking when you use an illustrator. It adds more emphasis. You said it. It adds another layer aside from me just sitting still, right? It engages people and pulls in the viewer a bit more. It's more engaging. That's one.

When you do this with your hands, it's called illustrators. Now, there's a couple of things with illustrators. One is It can make it more interesting to watch someone speaking when you use an illustrator. It adds more emphasis. You said it. It adds another layer aside from me just sitting still, right? It engages people and pulls in the viewer a bit more. It's more engaging. That's one.

The other thing with illustrators is it can be a cultural thing. I'm Greek. I'm from New York. So I've got massive problem with these things. I actually work very hard to put them away. The other thing that's actually interesting, which you didn't ask, but I will volunteer this information. It's another way I would use to tell if somebody's being truthful or not. Again, everybody is different.

The other thing with illustrators is it can be a cultural thing. I'm Greek. I'm from New York. So I've got massive problem with these things. I actually work very hard to put them away. The other thing that's actually interesting, which you didn't ask, but I will volunteer this information. It's another way I would use to tell if somebody's being truthful or not. Again, everybody is different.

Everybody's body language is different. But when you're speaking to someone and they use illustrators when they normally talk, Typically, when we see illustrators, it's truthful, right? They're telling you a story. Yesterday, yes, you know, I went out with my friends. We went and we had burgers. And then afterward, we went to the store.

Everybody's body language is different. But when you're speaking to someone and they use illustrators when they normally talk, Typically, when we see illustrators, it's truthful, right? They're telling you a story. Yesterday, yes, you know, I went out with my friends. We went and we had burgers. And then afterward, we went to the store.

So when you see somebody doing that, it is very likely they are reliving the event and you can see the body reliving it with them. So when you see that positive sign, typically, that they're being truthful. Now, if you're talking to someone who uses illustrators and all of a sudden they do this.

So when you see somebody doing that, it is very likely they are reliving the event and you can see the body reliving it with them. So when you see that positive sign, typically, that they're being truthful. Now, if you're talking to someone who uses illustrators and all of a sudden they do this.

during a certain part of the story. So tell me who you went out and had dinner with, Evie. Oh, you know, it was just some people from the office. In that moment, what you're going to do is say, okay, Evie's used illustrators this whole time. I shifted the conversation. I asked her something else. Now her hand's been away. Why? Why? That's it. Why? That's lie detection 101.

during a certain part of the story. So tell me who you went out and had dinner with, Evie. Oh, you know, it was just some people from the office. In that moment, what you're going to do is say, okay, Evie's used illustrators this whole time. I shifted the conversation. I asked her something else. Now her hand's been away. Why? Why? That's it. Why? That's lie detection 101.

Now it doesn't mean I am lying because everybody lies different. Everybody's behavior is different. We're not going to put people in a box because that's just dumb. However, what you're noticing is a deviation. Whenever you tell stories, she uses her hands. And then for whatever reason, I asked a question. That question prompted something in Evie and Evie put her hands away. She did a shift.

Now it doesn't mean I am lying because everybody lies different. Everybody's behavior is different. We're not going to put people in a box because that's just dumb. However, what you're noticing is a deviation. Whenever you tell stories, she uses her hands. And then for whatever reason, I asked a question. That question prompted something in Evie and Evie put her hands away. She did a shift.

And now you, having caught that, you're going to ask me more questions. You're not going to move on to the next topic. You're going to find a way to say, I need to get Evie to talk more about who she went out with last night because clearly something just happened.

And now you, having caught that, you're going to ask me more questions. You're not going to move on to the next topic. You're going to find a way to say, I need to get Evie to talk more about who she went out with last night because clearly something just happened.

Part of with lying, right, if we're just using lying, or if you ask me something for whatever reason, let's say I don't want to tell you who I had dinner with last night, right? When I feel that, I'm overwhelmed. I'm inundating. Lying is hard. Lying is hard. You have to think of what you're saying. How am I going to say it? Is it going to be believable? I want to move the topic on.

Part of with lying, right, if we're just using lying, or if you ask me something for whatever reason, let's say I don't want to tell you who I had dinner with last night, right? When I feel that, I'm overwhelmed. I'm inundating. Lying is hard. Lying is hard. You have to think of what you're saying. How am I going to say it? Is it going to be believable? I want to move the topic on.

I don't want to get caught because who wants to be a liar? Although everybody lies to some degree. Right? So it's overwhelming. It's actually a heavy cognitive load.

I don't want to get caught because who wants to be a liar? Although everybody lies to some degree. Right? So it's overwhelming. It's actually a heavy cognitive load.

That's why one of the things, it doesn't mean it's the only thing, but one of the things we were taught to pay attention to body language to people, like if you read them well, you'll know what to look for and look for the deviations because everybody is uniquely different. But you would look at body language to see what are they doing with their body.

That's why one of the things, it doesn't mean it's the only thing, but one of the things we were taught to pay attention to body language to people, like if you read them well, you'll know what to look for and look for the deviations because everybody is uniquely different. But you would look at body language to see what are they doing with their body.

Because lying is hard, and usually you want to go still. And because you're putting so much of a cognitive load here, all this stuff goes away. So that free-flowing Evie telling you the story about, I went out, I had dinner, I had a burger, it was great, goes away the moment you're like, well, who'd you go have dinner with, Evie? And now if in that moment I don't want to tell you,

Because lying is hard, and usually you want to go still. And because you're putting so much of a cognitive load here, all this stuff goes away. So that free-flowing Evie telling you the story about, I went out, I had dinner, I had a burger, it was great, goes away the moment you're like, well, who'd you go have dinner with, Evie? And now if in that moment I don't want to tell you,

I'm having that, oh, shit factor. What am I going to say? How am I going to say it? I'm overloaded. And so I stop moving. The body does less in that moment, in this specific scenario.

I'm having that, oh, shit factor. What am I going to say? How am I going to say it? I'm overloaded. And so I stop moving. The body does less in that moment, in this specific scenario.

Now, it can be family. And that's where, you know, when you deal with children and you deal with certain, you know, crimes and abuse. I always feel like the one population of people that truly have, I don't want to say excuse, but it's really not their fault, are kids. Because they're just so vulnerable and they rely on you for their livelihood.

Now, it can be family. And that's where, you know, when you deal with children and you deal with certain, you know, crimes and abuse. I always feel like the one population of people that truly have, I don't want to say excuse, but it's really not their fault, are kids. Because they're just so vulnerable and they rely on you for their livelihood.

I don't believe in fake it till you make it. And I actually don't like that term. You know why? There's nothing fake about me or you. I don't need to be a fake version of myself. But what I can be is a more aware version of myself. And something as simple as just doing one thing Steven, just that one thing, it's like, you know what? I'm just not going to make myself small.

I don't believe in fake it till you make it. And I actually don't like that term. You know why? There's nothing fake about me or you. I don't need to be a fake version of myself. But what I can be is a more aware version of myself. And something as simple as just doing one thing Steven, just that one thing, it's like, you know what? I'm just not going to make myself small.

When I walk, I'm going to take up space. That's it. That's all I'm going to do. I'm not there to solve like a whole puzzle about why I am the way I am and why psychologically I walk this way, but I'm going to do one small thing that's going to make one small difference, and it's going to lessen slightly, whether somebody decides to pray on me or not. That's it. And so you know what happens? Habit.

When I walk, I'm going to take up space. That's it. That's all I'm going to do. I'm not there to solve like a whole puzzle about why I am the way I am and why psychologically I walk this way, but I'm going to do one small thing that's going to make one small difference, and it's going to lessen slightly, whether somebody decides to pray on me or not. That's it. And so you know what happens? Habit.

You're going to break the habit of walking like this and being invisible to just creating a very simple habit of, I just walk with my shoulders back now. Shoulders back, shoulders back. When you go down the street... In fact, when I started doing the news... and pay attention to my posture. And I would sit and do the news. I'm like, shoulders back, like in my head.

You're going to break the habit of walking like this and being invisible to just creating a very simple habit of, I just walk with my shoulders back now. Shoulders back, shoulders back. When you go down the street... In fact, when I started doing the news... and pay attention to my posture. And I would sit and do the news. I'm like, shoulders back, like in my head.

I'm like, shoulders back, shoulders back, shoulders back. Because there were times where I watched myself, or even during commercial break, my husband would send me a text. He's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, sit up straight. You look terrible. He's like, no one's going to believe. He's like, stop slouching. And I'm like, oh, you're right. It's just, what am I projecting?

I'm like, shoulders back, shoulders back, shoulders back. Because there were times where I watched myself, or even during commercial break, my husband would send me a text. He's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, sit up straight. You look terrible. He's like, no one's going to believe. He's like, stop slouching. And I'm like, oh, you're right. It's just, what am I projecting?

So there are simple things you can do. So It's not one big thing we do over time. And I follow this too. It's like over life, it's like one small thing for me to change a habit of something that I do. Just start small and then conquer that thing and then move to the next thing and then move to the next thing. But at the same time, be Be kind to yourself. Like we can't just beat ourselves up.

So there are simple things you can do. So It's not one big thing we do over time. And I follow this too. It's like over life, it's like one small thing for me to change a habit of something that I do. Just start small and then conquer that thing and then move to the next thing and then move to the next thing. But at the same time, be Be kind to yourself. Like we can't just beat ourselves up.

I'm not this. I'm not that. I'm not confident. Like that narrative just takes you down, down, down, down. And you can literally, I'm also not telling you to be like, I'm fantastic. I'm great. I'm this. It's just, just be here. Just be like somewhere in the middle.

I'm not this. I'm not that. I'm not confident. Like that narrative just takes you down, down, down, down. And you can literally, I'm also not telling you to be like, I'm fantastic. I'm great. I'm this. It's just, just be here. Just be like somewhere in the middle.

You know, and speaking of which, it reminds me of, and this is kind of something a little bit different, but we talked about steadiness earlier. Like, how do you stay steady? And the one thing I also learned about steadiness and just Kind of finding that space where you're in control. It's something called neutrality mindset.

You know, and speaking of which, it reminds me of, and this is kind of something a little bit different, but we talked about steadiness earlier. Like, how do you stay steady? And the one thing I also learned about steadiness and just Kind of finding that space where you're in control. It's something called neutrality mindset.

Actually, the person who brought it more to my attention, you had her on, Gabrielle Lyon, Dr. Gabrielle Lyon. She's married to a SEAL. Now, Gabrielle, who's actually my doctor.

Actually, the person who brought it more to my attention, you had her on, Gabrielle Lyon, Dr. Gabrielle Lyon. She's married to a SEAL. Now, Gabrielle, who's actually my doctor.

When you tell yourself, nobody knows what I'm going through. Nobody can help you because it's just you going through it. Now, the next thing, what's most important is this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body. And there's this study where they started recording people walking. Then they laid it to convicted felons and they said to them, who would you pick as prey?

When you tell yourself, nobody knows what I'm going through. Nobody can help you because it's just you going through it. Now, the next thing, what's most important is this tool that we don't pay attention to, our body. And there's this study where they started recording people walking. Then they laid it to convicted felons and they said to them, who would you pick as prey?

She's married to a Navy SEAL, Dr. Lyon. When her book was coming out, she was asking me all these questions. She's like, you know, my book's coming out. You know, she was asking me questions. Smart woman, because I had a book come out. So she's like, let me ask Evie, who's had a book come out, her opinion on a couple of things.

She's married to a Navy SEAL, Dr. Lyon. When her book was coming out, she was asking me all these questions. She's like, you know, my book's coming out. You know, she was asking me questions. Smart woman, because I had a book come out. So she's like, let me ask Evie, who's had a book come out, her opinion on a couple of things.

And at one point, she said to me, you know, were you nervous about whether it would perform well or not or how it would do? And I said, no. And she's like, no. She's like, you weren't worried it wouldn't make this list or that list? I was like, no, I didn't think about it. And she laughed. I said, why are you laughing? She's like, because you're all the same. You, my husband, all these Navy SEALs.

And at one point, she said to me, you know, were you nervous about whether it would perform well or not or how it would do? And I said, no. And she's like, no. She's like, you weren't worried it wouldn't make this list or that list? I was like, no, I didn't think about it. And she laughed. I said, why are you laughing? She's like, because you're all the same. You, my husband, all these Navy SEALs.

They need somebody to feed them, clothe them, take care of them, or they can't survive. However, if as you age, right, as you mature, it's looking at your environment, who's around me and who is keeping me here. Who? And you know what becomes hard? It becomes hard because you'll have a, let's say, I'm going to use this term, bad actor in your life. That bad actor can be mom, dad, sibling, brother.

They need somebody to feed them, clothe them, take care of them, or they can't survive. However, if as you age, right, as you mature, it's looking at your environment, who's around me and who is keeping me here. Who? And you know what becomes hard? It becomes hard because you'll have a, let's say, I'm going to use this term, bad actor in your life. That bad actor can be mom, dad, sibling, brother.

She's like, you're all in the middle. And what she was talking about is we have a neutrality mindset, which means we don't celebrate high highs, but we also don't fall down on low lows. We're always in the middle. So going back to my book, if my book did well, it would do well because it was a good book and people liked it. That was it. And if it didn't do well, it didn't resonate.

She's like, you're all in the middle. And what she was talking about is we have a neutrality mindset, which means we don't celebrate high highs, but we also don't fall down on low lows. We're always in the middle. So going back to my book, if my book did well, it would do well because it was a good book and people liked it. That was it. And if it didn't do well, it didn't resonate.

I wasn't tied to the fact that, oh my God, it's doing great. It's selling. I didn't celebrate that. Now you would look at it like, why wouldn't you celebrate a high? I can, but what I start to do is I cultivate a habit where I'm tied to the external world. And when the external world is giving me this thing that I want, I'm happy.

I wasn't tied to the fact that, oh my God, it's doing great. It's selling. I didn't celebrate that. Now you would look at it like, why wouldn't you celebrate a high? I can, but what I start to do is I cultivate a habit where I'm tied to the external world. And when the external world is giving me this thing that I want, I'm happy.

But the flip side is that when the external world is going to give me things I don't want, I'm also going to be tethered to that and I'm going to sink down. But if I'm in the middle, I don't have high highs, I don't have low lows. I'm always somewhere here. Neutrality mindset, which means emotionally, I'm always stable, more than likely, 99 or 90% of the time, whatever. That's neutrality mindset.

But the flip side is that when the external world is going to give me things I don't want, I'm also going to be tethered to that and I'm going to sink down. But if I'm in the middle, I don't have high highs, I don't have low lows. I'm always somewhere here. Neutrality mindset, which means emotionally, I'm always stable, more than likely, 99 or 90% of the time, whatever. That's neutrality mindset.

I don't have high highs. I don't have low lows. Nothing destabilizes me to that point.

I don't have high highs. I don't have low lows. Nothing destabilizes me to that point.

It's just, it's, well, you don't get, it sounds terrible, but one, you don't get overly excited when something happens outside. I'm not saying not to celebrate, but I'm also not going to be tethered like, I can only be happy now because this thing outside of me happened. Because now I'm training myself and my mind to be, when external things happen, then I can be truly, truly happy.

It's just, it's, well, you don't get, it sounds terrible, but one, you don't get overly excited when something happens outside. I'm not saying not to celebrate, but I'm also not going to be tethered like, I can only be happy now because this thing outside of me happened. Because now I'm training myself and my mind to be, when external things happen, then I can be truly, truly happy.

Or when external things happen, I'm going to be truly, truly sad. But when these external things happen, they don't pull me all the way up and they don't pull me all the way down, I won't have those highs and lows that other people will have. I can stay here. So I make sure that when something great is happening, very small example, I won't go out and tell everybody. I allow it to happen.

Or when external things happen, I'm going to be truly, truly sad. But when these external things happen, they don't pull me all the way up and they don't pull me all the way down, I won't have those highs and lows that other people will have. I can stay here. So I make sure that when something great is happening, very small example, I won't go out and tell everybody. I allow it to happen.

And then if people congratulate me or give me good news, I say, thank you. You know, but I don't like that to be the source of my happiness because it comes from here. Because let's say I did my book and it bombed. So what? So now, according to that theory, I should what? I should plummet and be like, oh my God, I'm a failure. I wrote a book. It was the only chance I had. It tanked it. Who am I?

And then if people congratulate me or give me good news, I say, thank you. You know, but I don't like that to be the source of my happiness because it comes from here. Because let's say I did my book and it bombed. So what? So now, according to that theory, I should what? I should plummet and be like, oh my God, I'm a failure. I wrote a book. It was the only chance I had. It tanked it. Who am I?

I'm this. So now my value is tied to what? My emotional state is tied to what? How well or not well my book did. That's the problem, right? So the more stressful situations you can put in, the more places of uncertainty, the more you can manage these highs and lows, the more you're going to live here. And you know what else? Going back to who is in your inner circle.

I'm this. So now my value is tied to what? My emotional state is tied to what? How well or not well my book did. That's the problem, right? So the more stressful situations you can put in, the more places of uncertainty, the more you can manage these highs and lows, the more you're going to live here. And you know what else? Going back to who is in your inner circle.

I don't like to be around people who lose their shit when things break bad. I don't. As steady as I am, they will destabilize me. They just will. So I do my very best to try to keep a circle of people around me as much as possible, of people that I know are steady. So going back to partners, I happen to have a partner, a husband, who's like that.

I don't like to be around people who lose their shit when things break bad. I don't. As steady as I am, they will destabilize me. They just will. So I do my very best to try to keep a circle of people around me as much as possible, of people that I know are steady. So going back to partners, I happen to have a partner, a husband, who's like that.

Something can blow up and he'd be like, all right, let's go. He's not going to destabilize. So that is infectious on me. Now, can we have people around us that are severely impacted? My mom, love you, mom, sorry. But my mom, who's like very, at times can be emotionally impacted by the outside world, yes.

Something can blow up and he'd be like, all right, let's go. He's not going to destabilize. So that is infectious on me. Now, can we have people around us that are severely impacted? My mom, love you, mom, sorry. But my mom, who's like very, at times can be emotionally impacted by the outside world, yes.

So I have to work very hard to compensate for that, to not let that impact me where I go high, high and low, low's. It's just awareness. But it's just, it's the external world, the external environment cannot be the thing that either brings you up or brings you down.

So I have to work very hard to compensate for that, to not let that impact me where I go high, high and low, low's. It's just awareness. But it's just, it's the external world, the external environment cannot be the thing that either brings you up or brings you down.

It can be anybody. You can love that bad actor, right? But the choices and the things that that person does impacts you. It makes you more vulnerable. Even if you just look at crime, they've done a lot of different studies. And what they found is even, let's say, if I don't commit crime, but I'm around other people who commit crime, I am more likely to be shot than any other population of people.

It can be anybody. You can love that bad actor, right? But the choices and the things that that person does impacts you. It makes you more vulnerable. Even if you just look at crime, they've done a lot of different studies. And what they found is even, let's say, if I don't commit crime, but I'm around other people who commit crime, I am more likely to be shot than any other population of people.

Do you know, like, I wish people gave themselves more credit. Like, I think sometimes people are like, I'm not—it's like, you are. Like, you have so much more authority and regulation over yourself than you realize. And I think sometimes, too, the narrative out there is like, oh, this happened to you. It's not your fault. Oh, that happened to you. It's not your fault.

Do you know, like, I wish people gave themselves more credit. Like, I think sometimes people are like, I'm not—it's like, you are. Like, you have so much more authority and regulation over yourself than you realize. And I think sometimes, too, the narrative out there is like, oh, this happened to you. It's not your fault. Oh, that happened to you. It's not your fault.

Or this person did this to you. It's not your fault. And so what happens is the narrative that we hear right now is this external world is fluctuating you. It's not your fault. And so if it's not my fault, how can I stabilize it? So that's one thing. So I'm not saying it's your fault, but I'm saying you have the ability to self-regulate.

Or this person did this to you. It's not your fault. And so what happens is the narrative that we hear right now is this external world is fluctuating you. It's not your fault. And so if it's not my fault, how can I stabilize it? So that's one thing. So I'm not saying it's your fault, but I'm saying you have the ability to self-regulate.

Please stop listening to everybody else that's telling you it's not your fault, it's out of your hands, it's this, it's that. No, everything always starts and ends with you. If you can just keep that, it starts and ends with me, one, you're right there. Two, in those moments when you start to catastrophize or you start to feel yourself go that way, stop.

Please stop listening to everybody else that's telling you it's not your fault, it's out of your hands, it's this, it's that. No, everything always starts and ends with you. If you can just keep that, it starts and ends with me, one, you're right there. Two, in those moments when you start to catastrophize or you start to feel yourself go that way, stop.

Literally just say out loud to yourself, stop it. Stop it. Talk to yourself. Like interrupt that thought. Just interrupt it. Don't let it finish. Even if you're having a high high with something great happening, I'm not telling you not to be happy, but also don't over sensationalize it. Don't go tell everybody because then you're pulling yourself up. You're being tethered by that, right?

Literally just say out loud to yourself, stop it. Stop it. Talk to yourself. Like interrupt that thought. Just interrupt it. Don't let it finish. Even if you're having a high high with something great happening, I'm not telling you not to be happy, but also don't over sensationalize it. Don't go tell everybody because then you're pulling yourself up. You're being tethered by that, right?

I'm trying to, what I'm saying is don't be this up down yo-yo. Cut it. Just be like, oh, no. Like literally just tell yourself. There's moments where I talk to myself all the time. I'm my voice. And so if there's moments where I think my voice is drowning out, I will say, hey, no, this is what we're going to do now. Talk yourself through it.

I'm trying to, what I'm saying is don't be this up down yo-yo. Cut it. Just be like, oh, no. Like literally just tell yourself. There's moments where I talk to myself all the time. I'm my voice. And so if there's moments where I think my voice is drowning out, I will say, hey, no, this is what we're going to do now. Talk yourself through it.

It's such a powerful thing to really just stop the thoughts, just stop them and take ownership and say, stop thinking that. No. There's this person who used to tell me that one of the things that she used to say to herself was cancel, cancel. It was a negative thought or something bad. She would say to herself, cancel, cancel. I'm canceling that thought out loud. So find something.

It's such a powerful thing to really just stop the thoughts, just stop them and take ownership and say, stop thinking that. No. There's this person who used to tell me that one of the things that she used to say to herself was cancel, cancel. It was a negative thought or something bad. She would say to herself, cancel, cancel. I'm canceling that thought out loud. So find something.

that interrupts it. That's where you just start. Like we're not trying to do the whole feat. We're just trying to break these habitual patterns. And also sometimes I quite honestly, this nonsense stuff that we're fed, that really keeps us like just, it just keeps us from being able to take ownership over ourselves.

that interrupts it. That's where you just start. Like we're not trying to do the whole feat. We're just trying to break these habitual patterns. And also sometimes I quite honestly, this nonsense stuff that we're fed, that really keeps us like just, it just keeps us from being able to take ownership over ourselves.

But you can interrupt that voice. Like you have the ability to say stop.

But you can interrupt that voice. Like you have the ability to say stop.

Talking yourself through things is actually good. Even in, you know, going back, even in training, when we would be put in scenarios, like they would, they would simplify things like in some scenarios, like, hey, step one, this, step two, this, step three, this, or they would create acronyms. Like, you know, I'm going to make one up because I can't think of one, but like stop, target, move, shift.

Talking yourself through things is actually good. Even in, you know, going back, even in training, when we would be put in scenarios, like they would, they would simplify things like in some scenarios, like, hey, step one, this, step two, this, step three, this, or they would create acronyms. Like, you know, I'm going to make one up because I can't think of one, but like stop, target, move, shift.

And they would teach you to say that to yourself as you're in this stressful situation. Like if they created, like they would create scenarios where there would be explosions, attacks, all right, talk to yourself. And like literally when we would do, let's say a scenario in Beltsville, and we do an ambush on... They create a system where they do ambushes on us.

And they would teach you to say that to yourself as you're in this stressful situation. Like if they created, like they would create scenarios where there would be explosions, attacks, all right, talk to yourself. And like literally when we would do, let's say a scenario in Beltsville, and we do an ambush on... They create a system where they do ambushes on us.

All right, fight yourself out of it. Because you're so overloaded with the stress of what's happening, and even though you know it's training, you don't want to look bad in front of your peers. You don't want to look like you don't know what you're doing. You want to do a good job. And sometimes, even though it's training, the body doesn't know it's training, and it thinks it's real life.

All right, fight yourself out of it. Because you're so overloaded with the stress of what's happening, and even though you know it's training, you don't want to look bad in front of your peers. You don't want to look like you don't know what you're doing. You want to do a good job. And sometimes, even though it's training, the body doesn't know it's training, and it thinks it's real life.

There's moments. And literally... Like you'd be in these tactical scenarios and you would talk to yourself in your head. And sometimes you could do it even out loud. Stop, shift, move, target, move, target, take. You know, so I'm giving like a hypothetical example, but this ability to talk yourself through movements is also a very powerful thing. It can stop like this mass amount of like,

There's moments. And literally... Like you'd be in these tactical scenarios and you would talk to yourself in your head. And sometimes you could do it even out loud. Stop, shift, move, target, move, target, take. You know, so I'm giving like a hypothetical example, but this ability to talk yourself through movements is also a very powerful thing. It can stop like this mass amount of like,

muck in your head and kind of clear it out. So I actually learned that in training and they taught us like just tactical words, sentences, things to say to ourselves that would just help us habitually move through problems. Kinesis, just keep moving, keep moving through the problem.

muck in your head and kind of clear it out. So I actually learned that in training and they taught us like just tactical words, sentences, things to say to ourselves that would just help us habitually move through problems. Kinesis, just keep moving, keep moving through the problem.

I could not be involved in any nefarious activity at all. I could be clean, but simply because of who I associate with, that makes me more vulnerable to becoming a victim. So that's where you start. Who's around you? Now, other really important things, whoever you pick for your companion, if you have one, it's huge.

I could not be involved in any nefarious activity at all. I could be clean, but simply because of who I associate with, that makes me more vulnerable to becoming a victim. So that's where you start. Who's around you? Now, other really important things, whoever you pick for your companion, if you have one, it's huge.

But you have to go through it. There's no exception. The harder you work, you're going to work so hard to avoid it, which actually just makes you more afraid and weaker. Where it's like, it's just going to happen and being okay. We mitigate as much as we can through the circle of people, what we choose to do, what we choose to surround ourselves with. We understand that, right?

But you have to go through it. There's no exception. The harder you work, you're going to work so hard to avoid it, which actually just makes you more afraid and weaker. Where it's like, it's just going to happen and being okay. We mitigate as much as we can through the circle of people, what we choose to do, what we choose to surround ourselves with. We understand that, right?

The vest, the bulletproof vest can only cover so much of our body. And then we understand that we are vulnerable in other areas and you're going to have to go through it. Even as a mom, like one of the things is I want to give my daughter the best tool so that she can problem solve. And it's not just being able to feel the stress. It's being able to, when you're dealing with a scenario like that,

The vest, the bulletproof vest can only cover so much of our body. And then we understand that we are vulnerable in other areas and you're going to have to go through it. Even as a mom, like one of the things is I want to give my daughter the best tool so that she can problem solve. And it's not just being able to feel the stress. It's being able to, when you're dealing with a scenario like that,

You can't just sit and be paralyzed by it. You're like, I have to respond to this. And you learn to cope. You learn coping skills and strategies. You're learning to problem solve. The only way you learn to problem solve is when you're dealing with a problem. If everything's problem free, you don't know how to problem solve.

You can't just sit and be paralyzed by it. You're like, I have to respond to this. And you learn to cope. You learn coping skills and strategies. You're learning to problem solve. The only way you learn to problem solve is when you're dealing with a problem. If everything's problem free, you don't know how to problem solve.

So one of the things I make sure with my daughter, even though she's still very young, is I will look at moments where she's frustrated. Let's say she's trying to climb onto the bed. I will let her, as long as it's safe, I'll let her be frustrated and cry and scream until she gets up on the bed. I've seen her do it. I know she can do it. So I will tell her, I will say, work out the problem.

So one of the things I make sure with my daughter, even though she's still very young, is I will look at moments where she's frustrated. Let's say she's trying to climb onto the bed. I will let her, as long as it's safe, I'll let her be frustrated and cry and scream until she gets up on the bed. I've seen her do it. I know she can do it. So I will tell her, I will say, work out the problem.

There's incremental things we can do in our lives. to allow ourselves to learn how to problem solve. There's no escaping problems for anyone. There's no escaping hardship for anybody. There's no escaping trauma or tragedy for anybody. There just isn't. I think when you come to terms with that, Like, you're okay.

There's incremental things we can do in our lives. to allow ourselves to learn how to problem solve. There's no escaping problems for anyone. There's no escaping hardship for anybody. There's no escaping trauma or tragedy for anybody. There just isn't. I think when you come to terms with that, Like, you're okay.

But it's when you can't come to terms with it and you think, like, life's just bad for me. Life's picking on me. My life is hard. My life is this. My life is that. You know, you're not that special. I just did my second TED Talk, and I talked about the six inhibitors that hold us back, hold people back.

But it's when you can't come to terms with it and you think, like, life's just bad for me. Life's picking on me. My life is hard. My life is this. My life is that. You know, you're not that special. I just did my second TED Talk, and I talked about the six inhibitors that hold us back, hold people back.

And it was based off of all the mentors I did, like hundreds, which happened after I wrote my book when people were writing in. And one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special. I'm special in that my problems are special. My pain is special. I'm so unique. Nobody knows what I'm going through.

And it was based off of all the mentors I did, like hundreds, which happened after I wrote my book when people were writing in. And one of the biggest things that holds people back is the idea that I'm special. I'm special in that my problems are special. My pain is special. I'm so unique. Nobody knows what I'm going through.

That companion's either going to raise you up or they're going to sink your ship down.

That companion's either going to raise you up or they're going to sink your ship down.

So when everything around me, if I'm that special, why I can't figure my stuff out? Because I'm not like everybody else. And when you do that, when you have that narrative, like that you think of yourself in that way, you are telling yourself, I'm alone in the world. because I'm special. Nobody can know what I'm going through or struggling with or dealing with. And it's actually kind of,

So when everything around me, if I'm that special, why I can't figure my stuff out? Because I'm not like everybody else. And when you do that, when you have that narrative, like that you think of yourself in that way, you are telling yourself, I'm alone in the world. because I'm special. Nobody can know what I'm going through or struggling with or dealing with. And it's actually kind of,

when I would talk with people and like you'd give them solutions and they're like, no, no, no, but that won't work for me because of this or this and that. It was always like, and I would tell them, I'm like, I say this with all the love of my heart, you're not that special. If you recognize that, then you're going to realize that you're not alone in this world going through all this stuff.

when I would talk with people and like you'd give them solutions and they're like, no, no, no, but that won't work for me because of this or this and that. It was always like, and I would tell them, I'm like, I say this with all the love of my heart, you're not that special. If you recognize that, then you're going to realize that you're not alone in this world going through all this stuff.

This stuff isn't just happening to you and there's solace. You know, after 9-11, you know, I survived 9-11. I was one of the first responders there. I don't even like to use the word survive. I was there. I lived through it. People ask me, you know, how did you deal with the aftermath? Because, you know, you're watching thousands of people die. You almost die yourself.

This stuff isn't just happening to you and there's solace. You know, after 9-11, you know, I survived 9-11. I was one of the first responders there. I don't even like to use the word survive. I was there. I lived through it. People ask me, you know, how did you deal with the aftermath? Because, you know, you're watching thousands of people die. You almost die yourself.

If we're talking, I would say first intimate partner, whatever that is to you, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever that is, companion. That's number one because that's the person. Here's the difference between like a partner and a friend. Your friend goes home to their home. You go to your home. A companion or partner, you probably live with them.

If we're talking, I would say first intimate partner, whatever that is to you, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever that is, companion. That's number one because that's the person. Here's the difference between like a partner and a friend. Your friend goes home to their home. You go to your home. A companion or partner, you probably live with them.

I like lived through.

I like lived through.

Survive to me has a negative connotation. It's not as powerful. I don't like it. To me, I live through. Survive is this thing happened and this is how it feels because I'm trying to articulate it. It feels like I survived through it. It's like, no, I thrived through that. I lived through that. I thrived through it.

Survive to me has a negative connotation. It's not as powerful. I don't like it. To me, I live through. Survive is this thing happened and this is how it feels because I'm trying to articulate it. It feels like I survived through it. It's like, no, I thrived through that. I lived through that. I thrived through it.

Survive makes me think I barely made it, which technically I kind of did, but I don't care. But one of the things that helped me get through it, when people were like, there's trauma. Truly, I watched thousands of people die, people jumping. And you can't do anything. You tried. I tried. And then after that, we had search, cleanup, and rescue efforts.

Survive makes me think I barely made it, which technically I kind of did, but I don't care. But one of the things that helped me get through it, when people were like, there's trauma. Truly, I watched thousands of people die, people jumping. And you can't do anything. You tried. I tried. And then after that, we had search, cleanup, and rescue efforts.

And I will tell you, one of the things that got me through it to the point where I barely dealt with any type of real... aftermath, like PTSD or anything like that. I'm not saying I didn't get anything, but what helped me through is I wasn't that special. I wasn't alone in it. When you know you're not alone in the world, like you can get through anything.

And I will tell you, one of the things that got me through it to the point where I barely dealt with any type of real... aftermath, like PTSD or anything like that. I'm not saying I didn't get anything, but what helped me through is I wasn't that special. I wasn't alone in it. When you know you're not alone in the world, like you can get through anything.

But when you tell yourself that you are that unique and that what is happening to you is just happening to you, then all your pain is special. All your problems are special. Your trauma is special. And then nobody can help you because it's just you going through it. How alone is that? And it's that mental shift of when you can hear other people's stories or see what other people are going through.

But when you tell yourself that you are that unique and that what is happening to you is just happening to you, then all your pain is special. All your problems are special. Your trauma is special. And then nobody can help you because it's just you going through it. How alone is that? And it's that mental shift of when you can hear other people's stories or see what other people are going through.

And then that helps pull you through your stuff. I will tell you that I'm Not That Special has gotten me through so much.

And then that helps pull you through your stuff. I will tell you that I'm Not That Special has gotten me through so much.

Because I'm not special. And I think, I don't know, I think it's a detriment when people think that they're that special. I think it takes you down.

Because I'm not special. And I think, I don't know, I think it's a detriment when people think that they're that special. I think it takes you down.

I don't think it's a story. We all think we're the sun, right? And everything moves around us. And when you are in that space, when you think you're that special, you self-analyze. You go in a lot more. And you would probably say, well, that's good, Evie. Is it really that good for me to sit and analyze everything going on in my life? Or when I overanalyze, I overassess. I'm overly critiquing.

I don't think it's a story. We all think we're the sun, right? And everything moves around us. And when you are in that space, when you think you're that special, you self-analyze. You go in a lot more. And you would probably say, well, that's good, Evie. Is it really that good for me to sit and analyze everything going on in my life? Or when I overanalyze, I overassess. I'm overly critiquing.

I'm so focused on myself. Do you know what that actually does? Actually, you have higher rates of anxiety and higher rates of depression because I am so self-focused. Now, I'm not saying when I say you're not that special, I don't mean that you're arrogant or narcissistic or self-absorbed.

I'm so focused on myself. Do you know what that actually does? Actually, you have higher rates of anxiety and higher rates of depression because I am so self-focused. Now, I'm not saying when I say you're not that special, I don't mean that you're arrogant or narcissistic or self-absorbed.

I mean that you are so self-focused that the outside world fades and it's just you and whatever it is you're dealing with. How can you get out of that? That's a very hard headspace to get out of.

I mean that you are so self-focused that the outside world fades and it's just you and whatever it is you're dealing with. How can you get out of that? That's a very hard headspace to get out of.

That means you are so overly exposed to that person and And you need to make damn well sure that that person is not contaminating your life. You can still love them, but you can step back and look at, there's a problem here, that this person's stuff is contaminating my life. And it's a hard thing to do for folks because this is why...

That means you are so overly exposed to that person and And you need to make damn well sure that that person is not contaminating your life. You can still love them, but you can step back and look at, there's a problem here, that this person's stuff is contaminating my life. And it's a hard thing to do for folks because this is why...

I don't think that they realize that they're in that space. They're not listening. Like, sometimes you can even talk to people. They're not listening to you.

I don't think that they realize that they're in that space. They're not listening. Like, sometimes you can even talk to people. They're not listening to you.

Because they don't think anything's wrong. Or sometimes they'll look to you and be like, oh, you're you. Like, you don't know what I'm going through. Or you don't realize. Here's the thing. You and I talking about stuff from an from a place where we're trying to understand it objectively. We're looking to not live that way. We're looking to understand it and so we can share it with others.

Because they don't think anything's wrong. Or sometimes they'll look to you and be like, oh, you're you. Like, you don't know what I'm going through. Or you don't realize. Here's the thing. You and I talking about stuff from an from a place where we're trying to understand it objectively. We're looking to not live that way. We're looking to understand it and so we can share it with others.

But the only people that are going to receive it are the people that watch this podcast and want to. And even then, when they watch this, they're going to pick and choose the parts that that work for them or the parts of this podcast that fit the narrative that they tell themselves?

But the only people that are going to receive it are the people that watch this podcast and want to. And even then, when they watch this, they're going to pick and choose the parts that that work for them or the parts of this podcast that fit the narrative that they tell themselves?

You know, it reminds me a little bit of histrionic disorder or where you pretend you're sick and it's like one of the disorders, you pretend either you're sick or your child is sick. Because when you do that, you get a lot of attention. And so if I'm a victim of something or I'm going through something, are you okay? Are you all right? Do you need something? And it does cultivate this

You know, it reminds me a little bit of histrionic disorder or where you pretend you're sick and it's like one of the disorders, you pretend either you're sick or your child is sick. Because when you do that, you get a lot of attention. And so if I'm a victim of something or I'm going through something, are you okay? Are you all right? Do you need something? And it does cultivate this

you're with someone, it's like, okay, I'm with Evie, but you know, Evie is this and Evie is that. And so you start to blend my identity with my behavior. And then over the time too, you normalize the things I do if I'm a bad actor. Well, Evie didn't mean it. She's always hotheaded. You know, she's this, but she did all these nice things for me here. And then what we do is we miss stuff.

you're with someone, it's like, okay, I'm with Evie, but you know, Evie is this and Evie is that. And so you start to blend my identity with my behavior. And then over the time too, you normalize the things I do if I'm a bad actor. Well, Evie didn't mean it. She's always hotheaded. You know, she's this, but she did all these nice things for me here. And then what we do is we miss stuff.

attention, whereas if everything's okay, that all goes away. And so I think all of it, it's people. I think it's so many different things. People get comfortable. They don't want to get out of it. They don't think anything is wrong. It serves them. Nothing's wrong with my life. Who are you to tell me? It's like all these different layers. And when it's people close to us, it's hard.

attention, whereas if everything's okay, that all goes away. And so I think all of it, it's people. I think it's so many different things. People get comfortable. They don't want to get out of it. They don't think anything is wrong. It serves them. Nothing's wrong with my life. Who are you to tell me? It's like all these different layers. And when it's people close to us, it's hard.

And I just have surrendered that Two things. Who am I to tell somebody else how to live? So if they think that that's the way their life needs to be, I do have a little bit, I'm not that special, so who am I to tell you that you should live this way? There's a little bit of, or a lot of rather, let people live how they want to live.

And I just have surrendered that Two things. Who am I to tell somebody else how to live? So if they think that that's the way their life needs to be, I do have a little bit, I'm not that special, so who am I to tell you that you should live this way? There's a little bit of, or a lot of rather, let people live how they want to live.

Well, you know, so in the context of identity, the identity mindset, if we go back, it's that I'm special mindset. I'm in an emotional state. I'm special. That's like identity mindset. That's how you know when you're talking to someone, if they're instrumental or identity. If they're instrumental, they're task oriented, they're moving, they're trying to solve problems.

Well, you know, so in the context of identity, the identity mindset, if we go back, it's that I'm special mindset. I'm in an emotional state. I'm special. That's like identity mindset. That's how you know when you're talking to someone, if they're instrumental or identity. If they're instrumental, they're task oriented, they're moving, they're trying to solve problems.

If they're identity, they're stuck. They're emotional. I can't believe this. I can't believe this happening to me. So with that, when you can figure out what mindset somebody is in, then you can talk to them, but you talk to them in the mindset that they're in. If somebody is instrumental, I'm going to know this is a person that's just like, tell me what to do. Just get to the point.

If they're identity, they're stuck. They're emotional. I can't believe this. I can't believe this happening to me. So with that, when you can figure out what mindset somebody is in, then you can talk to them, but you talk to them in the mindset that they're in. If somebody is instrumental, I'm going to know this is a person that's just like, tell me what to do. Just get to the point.

I just wanted this, this, and this, and this. There's no feelings. There's no stuff involved. There's no emotions. Somebody's identity is Right? They are, it's about them, it's how it's affecting them. Typically, again, when we're very self-focused, higher depression, higher anxiety, because we're overanalyzing things, we're in an emotional state.

I just wanted this, this, and this, and this. There's no feelings. There's no stuff involved. There's no emotions. Somebody's identity is Right? They are, it's about them, it's how it's affecting them. Typically, again, when we're very self-focused, higher depression, higher anxiety, because we're overanalyzing things, we're in an emotional state.

So when someone's there, it's good for you to know because you know in that moment, they're not listening to what I'm saying. They are stuck in their space. Now, if I'm looking to progress the conversation, let's say they work for me, I'm gonna sit and listen to them Let them offload to a point to get them where I need them to be or to get them to get to this instrumental space.

So when someone's there, it's good for you to know because you know in that moment, they're not listening to what I'm saying. They are stuck in their space. Now, if I'm looking to progress the conversation, let's say they work for me, I'm gonna sit and listen to them Let them offload to a point to get them where I need them to be or to get them to get to this instrumental space.

Like an agency like the U.S. Secret Service, it was very instrumental. Nobody wants to hear you complaining. Get it done. Fix this. Do this. Because they didn't really have the luxury of being like that. Because if you are like that, people die. It's just like you got to move on. But if your identity and where it's like... You're really wanting other people to understand you.

Like an agency like the U.S. Secret Service, it was very instrumental. Nobody wants to hear you complaining. Get it done. Fix this. Do this. Because they didn't really have the luxury of being like that. Because if you are like that, people die. It's just like you got to move on. But if your identity and where it's like... You're really wanting other people to understand you.

That's why it's easier for you to look at somebody else's relationship and be like, hey, problem here, problem here, problem here, because you are not tainted. By the emotional aspect of being tied to that person, you're able to look at them objectively. This is why, by and large, it's easy to give other people advice. I can see the red flags and the issues in this person.

That's why it's easier for you to look at somebody else's relationship and be like, hey, problem here, problem here, problem here, because you are not tainted. By the emotional aspect of being tied to that person, you're able to look at them objectively. This is why, by and large, it's easy to give other people advice. I can see the red flags and the issues in this person.

I'm not saying that we don't visit identity land once in a while, but it's not a great place to live either because you're so self-focused that you can't function. It's me, me, me, me, me. But if you can master this, which you can easily do when you talk to people, you'll know that person's instrumental. They just need X, Y, and Z, that person's identity. Your friend is identity.

I'm not saying that we don't visit identity land once in a while, but it's not a great place to live either because you're so self-focused that you can't function. It's me, me, me, me, me. But if you can master this, which you can easily do when you talk to people, you'll know that person's instrumental. They just need X, Y, and Z, that person's identity. Your friend is identity.

The thing with them is their identity almost all the time.

The thing with them is their identity almost all the time.

That's when it becomes a problem.

That's when it becomes a problem.

Do you know what's interesting? The Harvard Business Review did a study on this. They wrote about this. Do you know that the more you go through, the less empathy you have. So you would think, let's say you've been through your hardships, you would think that because you've been through that stuff, you would have more empathy.

Do you know what's interesting? The Harvard Business Review did a study on this. They wrote about this. Do you know that the more you go through, the less empathy you have. So you would think, let's say you've been through your hardships, you would think that because you've been through that stuff, you would have more empathy.

But as you rise through the ranks, you actually have less empathy because you've been through it, you've overcome it, and you kind of look at people like, can you please get it together?

But as you rise through the ranks, you actually have less empathy because you've been through it, you've overcome it, and you kind of look at people like, can you please get it together?

And if you think about it, it makes sense because it's like – Get through this. I've gotten through this. Whereas if you're dealing with someone who hasn't gone through it or is in the lower ranks at work, they've got more empathy. Because also think of it too, as you're going up in business, you're dealing with so many more people.

And if you think about it, it makes sense because it's like – Get through this. I've gotten through this. Whereas if you're dealing with someone who hasn't gone through it or is in the lower ranks at work, they've got more empathy. Because also think of it too, as you're going up in business, you're dealing with so many more people.

They all picked the same people. They were f***ed. So there are simple things you can do with your hands, your voice, how you sit, and I will tell you everything. But also, the other thing that's actually interesting, which you didn't ask, but I will volunteer this information, are the strategies to tell if somebody's being truthful or not. And it's, that's Lie Detection 101.

They all picked the same people. They were f***ed. So there are simple things you can do with your hands, your voice, how you sit, and I will tell you everything. But also, the other thing that's actually interesting, which you didn't ask, but I will volunteer this information, are the strategies to tell if somebody's being truthful or not. And it's, that's Lie Detection 101.

You don't have the cognitive space or load to deal with everybody's stuff. So sometimes when people come to me, my boss, my boss, and my response is, do you know how much your boss is probably juggling? It's not that they're a jerk. They're instrumental. They're just trying to get stuff done.

You don't have the cognitive space or load to deal with everybody's stuff. So sometimes when people come to me, my boss, my boss, and my response is, do you know how much your boss is probably juggling? It's not that they're a jerk. They're instrumental. They're just trying to get stuff done.

And you, being where you are, kind of lower in the hierarchy, you're not dealing with as much, trying to juggle as much. And so you're looking for more empathy. You have more space, more time. This person's up here. They're trying to keep that ship from sinking. So that's where a lot of people sometimes get lost with their supervisors.

And you, being where you are, kind of lower in the hierarchy, you're not dealing with as much, trying to juggle as much. And so you're looking for more empathy. You have more space, more time. This person's up here. They're trying to keep that ship from sinking. So that's where a lot of people sometimes get lost with their supervisors.

So it's interesting too, because, you know, I even noticed that for myself, I try to have empathy, but there's moments where you're like, man, I'm, you know, it can be, you want to control it on the inside, but be like, there's times where you're like, can we please just get it together? Like it's, it's not that big of a deal.

So it's interesting too, because, you know, I even noticed that for myself, I try to have empathy, but there's moments where you're like, man, I'm, you know, it can be, you want to control it on the inside, but be like, there's times where you're like, can we please just get it together? Like it's, it's not that big of a deal.

When you're in it, you can't. It's hard. So I would also venture to say people may not like this. If you're with someone and there are people around you that you know legitimately care and love you, and they're telling you, hey, not the best thing for you, I would say please listen. Because they are seeing something that you might not be seeing.

When you're in it, you can't. It's hard. So I would also venture to say people may not like this. If you're with someone and there are people around you that you know legitimately care and love you, and they're telling you, hey, not the best thing for you, I would say please listen. Because they are seeing something that you might not be seeing.

Stop, really?

Stop, really?

Wow.

Wow.

I think people don't, I think most people don't want to be there anymore, you know, because it's not working out for them. It's not. That's why I think most people, most people, they're trying really hard. Most people who will watch this podcast or, or watch things similar to this, they're really trying hard and they're trying to do better. I do believe that.

I think people don't, I think most people don't want to be there anymore, you know, because it's not working out for them. It's not. That's why I think most people, most people, they're trying really hard. Most people who will watch this podcast or, or watch things similar to this, they're really trying hard and they're trying to do better. I do believe that.

And I think that's why a moment like that, because they're like, I don't want to be here anymore. Just help me get the fuck out. You know, I respect that because they're trying. Like they're trying really hard as opposed to somebody who's just like, I'm checked out. And that really speaks to people just saying like, I know this isn't working. This isn't where I want to live.

And I think that's why a moment like that, because they're like, I don't want to be here anymore. Just help me get the fuck out. You know, I respect that because they're trying. Like they're trying really hard as opposed to somebody who's just like, I'm checked out. And that really speaks to people just saying like, I know this isn't working. This isn't where I want to live.

This isn't where I want to be. And it's not getting me ahead in life. You know, I always, again, I live by this credence. If I go tomorrow, am I okay to go? And it always set things right for me. If you've lived in a way where you're like, I've done or tried to do these things, then you've lived a full life. But being a victim prevents you from being, from living a full life.

This isn't where I want to be. And it's not getting me ahead in life. You know, I always, again, I live by this credence. If I go tomorrow, am I okay to go? And it always set things right for me. If you've lived in a way where you're like, I've done or tried to do these things, then you've lived a full life. But being a victim prevents you from being, from living a full life.

If everyone is hurting you, if everyone's out to get you, if everyone's doing something to you, if everybody is sliding you, if this person and that person, how are you living a full life if you're fighting everybody or pissed off at everybody because they disrespected you? They're not giving you what you need. They didn't validate this or validate that. How will you ever get anything done?

If everyone is hurting you, if everyone's out to get you, if everyone's doing something to you, if everybody is sliding you, if this person and that person, how are you living a full life if you're fighting everybody or pissed off at everybody because they disrespected you? They're not giving you what you need. They didn't validate this or validate that. How will you ever get anything done?

How will you ever be instrumental? It doesn't mean you need to be a CEO or a Secret Service agent. It doesn't mean you need to be anything like that. Whatever your journey is, how will you ever achieve that if you're so easily distracted by all this nonsense? Who says you have to have respect by everybody? It's nice. I welcome it. But I'm not always going to get respect.

How will you ever be instrumental? It doesn't mean you need to be a CEO or a Secret Service agent. It doesn't mean you need to be anything like that. Whatever your journey is, how will you ever achieve that if you're so easily distracted by all this nonsense? Who says you have to have respect by everybody? It's nice. I welcome it. But I'm not always going to get respect.

I can sit and check every single box off. I'll be respectful to you. I'll be kind to you. I'll hand my things in on time. I'll show up on time. I'll do all these things. Check all those boxes. There are still no guarantees you'll give it to me. I know. I was a former cop, former agent. I didn't always get it. I was like, I hope I get it. But I don't need it. But we tell people, you need this.

I can sit and check every single box off. I'll be respectful to you. I'll be kind to you. I'll hand my things in on time. I'll show up on time. I'll do all these things. Check all those boxes. There are still no guarantees you'll give it to me. I know. I was a former cop, former agent. I didn't always get it. I was like, I hope I get it. But I don't need it. But we tell people, you need this.

Who says who? Who says I need everybody's respect? Who? And who am I to demand it? Who says I need everybody to like me? I don't want people to dislike me. I'm not going to do things to make people dislike me. But I'm also like, I can't navigate my ship like that. And then at the same time, if you stop and think about it, when people are like, oh, get everyone to like you, be charismatic. Pause.

Who says who? Who says I need everybody's respect? Who? And who am I to demand it? Who says I need everybody to like me? I don't want people to dislike me. I'm not going to do things to make people dislike me. But I'm also like, I can't navigate my ship like that. And then at the same time, if you stop and think about it, when people are like, oh, get everyone to like you, be charismatic. Pause.

Who are you making that about? You. You don't really care about the other person. It's me. I want you to like me. I want you to think I'm charismatic. Comes back to me. Me, me, me, me, me. How about there's a little less me and more of how can I be of service to this person? How can I help this person? How can I be more generous, generous to others?

Who are you making that about? You. You don't really care about the other person. It's me. I want you to like me. I want you to think I'm charismatic. Comes back to me. Me, me, me, me, me. How about there's a little less me and more of how can I be of service to this person? How can I help this person? How can I be more generous, generous to others?

How can I give more instead of take so that I can feel fulfilled? It's all about me and my fulfillment, my identity. Where am I going? Me, me, me. I think we need a little less of that. And how about us, us, us? How about how can I help other people? How can I be of service? How can I be genuine? And that rig, this whole thing, give me tips so everybody likes me.

How can I give more instead of take so that I can feel fulfilled? It's all about me and my fulfillment, my identity. Where am I going? Me, me, me. I think we need a little less of that. And how about us, us, us? How about how can I help other people? How can I be of service? How can I be genuine? And that rig, this whole thing, give me tips so everybody likes me.

Give me tips so I'm the smartest person in the room. If I'm the smartest person in the room, Stephen, I'm in trouble. I want to be the biggest dummy. Like, because I'm not learning anything from other people. And who am I to think I'm all this? Why would you want that? You know, you see this marketing stuff come up and we feed people garbage.

Give me tips so I'm the smartest person in the room. If I'm the smartest person in the room, Stephen, I'm in trouble. I want to be the biggest dummy. Like, because I'm not learning anything from other people. And who am I to think I'm all this? Why would you want that? You know, you see this marketing stuff come up and we feed people garbage.

And then we wonder why everybody's confused, why everybody has a void. Because we're telling them, you need more, you need more. You are enough. You are steady, you are good. Stop listening to all that. Be a genuine human being. Try to do the right thing by people. Be careful because not everyone's out there.

And then we wonder why everybody's confused, why everybody has a void. Because we're telling them, you need more, you need more. You are enough. You are steady, you are good. Stop listening to all that. Be a genuine human being. Try to do the right thing by people. Be careful because not everyone's out there.

to do the best thing for you because people in pursuit of their own self-interest, they will screw you over and that's okay. Just don't be shocked when it happens. It happens. But move through steady and focus on being of service to others. Everything, like bring it back. And it's like, stop thinking about you. I promise you, you will have a better life. It'll be calmer. It'll be quiet.

to do the best thing for you because people in pursuit of their own self-interest, they will screw you over and that's okay. Just don't be shocked when it happens. It happens. But move through steady and focus on being of service to others. Everything, like bring it back. And it's like, stop thinking about you. I promise you, you will have a better life. It'll be calmer. It'll be quiet.

You'll be less depressed, less anxious, less just because it's not all you. You're in it with everybody else.

You'll be less depressed, less anxious, less just because it's not all you. You're in it with everybody else.

No. Because it's fake. Because it's manipulation. Who am I doing it for? If I'm trying to get you to like me, is that who you want? Or do you want the person who's going to come on this podcast and just have a genuine conversation and do her best to give you... some valuable information to help people. Who do you want? You want me to be like, I hope Steven likes me. I hope he thinks I'm smart.

No. Because it's fake. Because it's manipulation. Who am I doing it for? If I'm trying to get you to like me, is that who you want? Or do you want the person who's going to come on this podcast and just have a genuine conversation and do her best to give you... some valuable information to help people. Who do you want? You want me to be like, I hope Steven likes me. I hope he thinks I'm smart.

I hope Steven thinks I'm a good guest. I hope Steven invites me back. Is that what you want? And who did I just make all that about? Do I give a shit about you and your podcast? No, clearly I just care about Evie. That's the problem because I'm manipulating you to fulfill myself. That's where it goes wrong. If somebody likes you, it'll be genuine. We don't manufacture it. It's disingenuous.

I hope Steven thinks I'm a good guest. I hope Steven invites me back. Is that what you want? And who did I just make all that about? Do I give a shit about you and your podcast? No, clearly I just care about Evie. That's the problem because I'm manipulating you to fulfill myself. That's where it goes wrong. If somebody likes you, it'll be genuine. We don't manufacture it. It's disingenuous.

People feel it. I'm trying to be charming and charismatic. First of all, major red flag for narcissistic personality disorder, number one.

People feel it. I'm trying to be charming and charismatic. First of all, major red flag for narcissistic personality disorder, number one.

Sure. A lot of them are. In fact, when you see that, always ask yourself, what is motivating this person? I always think, what is motivating this person? So if I sit across from you, what's motivating you is you want to do a good podcast. You have millions of people who listen. You want to give them good content. Period. The end.

Sure. A lot of them are. In fact, when you see that, always ask yourself, what is motivating this person? I always think, what is motivating this person? So if I sit across from you, what's motivating you is you want to do a good podcast. You have millions of people who listen. You want to give them good content. Period. The end.

I think it's, one thing is you don't go from zero to 100 overnight. When you're in a relationship or you're with around people who are like that, in the beginning, you don't see it, right? Everyone's got their best behavior. But over time, you'll start to see little changes. like sneak peeks, little previews. And it's those previews you want to pay attention to.

I think it's, one thing is you don't go from zero to 100 overnight. When you're in a relationship or you're with around people who are like that, in the beginning, you don't see it, right? Everyone's got their best behavior. But over time, you'll start to see little changes. like sneak peeks, little previews. And it's those previews you want to pay attention to.

I just want to be genuine and I don't want to be a bullshit artist. Nobody wants to be bullshitted. I've experienced it. Nobody likes it. And It's not being authentic. It's just being genuine because also you can't just walk into a room and I'm like, I'm going to be me and whoever likes it, likes it. Good luck with that.

I just want to be genuine and I don't want to be a bullshit artist. Nobody wants to be bullshitted. I've experienced it. Nobody likes it. And It's not being authentic. It's just being genuine because also you can't just walk into a room and I'm like, I'm going to be me and whoever likes it, likes it. Good luck with that.

You want to adapt to the environment and to people you're with and what mindset that they have and talking to them in a way that they understand, not you. So that's a bit more adaptability and connecting with people. Even when I talk to businesses, a lot of times one of the big things is And they're learning this.

You want to adapt to the environment and to people you're with and what mindset that they have and talking to them in a way that they understand, not you. So that's a bit more adaptability and connecting with people. Even when I talk to businesses, a lot of times one of the big things is And they're learning this.

A lot of businesses are moving away from being transactional, making the sale, and just trying to get these short-term goals. And what they're shifting toward, which is smart, is long-term relationships with people. Because if you have a long-term relationship with a client and they genuinely like you, not because you charm them or you trick them

A lot of businesses are moving away from being transactional, making the sale, and just trying to get these short-term goals. And what they're shifting toward, which is smart, is long-term relationships with people. Because if you have a long-term relationship with a client and they genuinely like you, not because you charm them or you trick them

But because they genuinely like you, they're genuinely going to want to stay with you and they're not going to want to leave and go do business somewhere else. That's why being genuine works. And you can be genuine and disagree with someone too. That holds better. People vibe other people quite a bit. And they feel it.

But because they genuinely like you, they're genuinely going to want to stay with you and they're not going to want to leave and go do business somewhere else. That's why being genuine works. And you can be genuine and disagree with someone too. That holds better. People vibe other people quite a bit. And they feel it.

And if they feel your nonsense and they feel like you're tricking them or, you know, using tactics, even when I, sometimes I give keynotes and I'll tell them, I'm like, I'm not here to give you tips, tricks, or techniques. I'm not here for that. I was like, can I ask you a question? Do you like it when people use techniques on you? No. Do you like it when people use tricks on you? No.

And if they feel your nonsense and they feel like you're tricking them or, you know, using tactics, even when I, sometimes I give keynotes and I'll tell them, I'm like, I'm not here to give you tips, tricks, or techniques. I'm not here for that. I was like, can I ask you a question? Do you like it when people use techniques on you? No. Do you like it when people use tricks on you? No.

So why would you do that? And why would you think that's going to take you places? It'll take you somewhere short term. Long term, people are going to drop you.

So why would you do that? And why would you think that's going to take you places? It'll take you somewhere short term. Long term, people are going to drop you.

person who wants to build their resilience. Because when you deal with it, so the BBC Maestro course is the art of influence, how to influence others. So going back to the ethos of that course was And I say it at the beginning. I'm not here to give you tips, tricks, or techniques because that's not going to influence people.

person who wants to build their resilience. Because when you deal with it, so the BBC Maestro course is the art of influence, how to influence others. So going back to the ethos of that course was And I say it at the beginning. I'm not here to give you tips, tricks, or techniques because that's not going to influence people.

We're not trying to trick people or manipulate people to get things out of them because that's not going to help anybody in the long term. It won't help you in the long term. Influence is having the ability to have people to want to be around us, to have people to want to work with us, to have people who want to talk to us. That's what influence is.

We're not trying to trick people or manipulate people to get things out of them because that's not going to help anybody in the long term. It won't help you in the long term. Influence is having the ability to have people to want to be around us, to have people to want to work with us, to have people who want to talk to us. That's what influence is.

Genuine influence and like how we push that out there. Also, in the class where I talk about rejection because we split it up into certain parts. And one of the parts was your ability to understand yourself. Kind of like... You can't influence other people if you don't understand yourself. And so part of that is how resilient are you? How steady are you?

Genuine influence and like how we push that out there. Also, in the class where I talk about rejection because we split it up into certain parts. And one of the parts was your ability to understand yourself. Kind of like... You can't influence other people if you don't understand yourself. And so part of that is how resilient are you? How steady are you?

We like to give people the benefit of the doubt. We listen to the excuses that they give us. And you know, there's this ancient Greek saying that says, don't listen to your opponent. Look at them. It will tell you everything. And when I say look at them, look at what people do. I need you to drum out what they're telling you. I need you to drum out their I am sorries because they probably are.

We like to give people the benefit of the doubt. We listen to the excuses that they give us. And you know, there's this ancient Greek saying that says, don't listen to your opponent. Look at them. It will tell you everything. And when I say look at them, look at what people do. I need you to drum out what they're telling you. I need you to drum out their I am sorries because they probably are.

And you don't build those things unless you deal with rejection. Unless you deal with people... pushing back. Maybe be a psychopath and embrace the things that everybody else is too terrified to embrace. Everyone's so scared of being rejected. So why don't you be the deviant? Don't be like everybody else and be like, I'm ready for it. I'm good with it.

And you don't build those things unless you deal with rejection. Unless you deal with people... pushing back. Maybe be a psychopath and embrace the things that everybody else is too terrified to embrace. Everyone's so scared of being rejected. So why don't you be the deviant? Don't be like everybody else and be like, I'm ready for it. I'm good with it.

Because the more you deal with it, the better you are at dealing with it. And you're going to get it anyway.

Because the more you deal with it, the better you are at dealing with it. And you're going to get it anyway.

So that was created by researchers, Dr. Lawrence and Emily Allison. They're actually in the UK. And they created a way to break behavior down, behavior of people. They actually watched thousands of hours of interview tapes, law enforcement, intelligence. and they were coding people's behavior. So basically they were like, what behavior is this person? So there's two important things.

So that was created by researchers, Dr. Lawrence and Emily Allison. They're actually in the UK. And they created a way to break behavior down, behavior of people. They actually watched thousands of hours of interview tapes, law enforcement, intelligence. and they were coding people's behavior. So basically they were like, what behavior is this person? So there's two important things.

One is we don't label people, we label behavior. You label behavior because people change. People are fluid. For the most part, people are fluid. So I need to look at who do I have across from me in this moment? So how they identified behavior of people, they gave them four animal archetypes. Lion, monkey, mouse, T-Rex. Lion is someone who's in charge, setting the agenda. I'm in control.

One is we don't label people, we label behavior. You label behavior because people change. People are fluid. For the most part, people are fluid. So I need to look at who do I have across from me in this moment? So how they identified behavior of people, they gave them four animal archetypes. Lion, monkey, mouse, T-Rex. Lion is someone who's in charge, setting the agenda. I'm in control.

That's lion. When you have your meetings with your team and you're the one talking and your team sitting listening, you're lion in that moment. He's in charge, setting the agenda. Mouse is a person who is patient, looking to learn. They're trying to get information. They're eager. They're humble, seeking guidance.

That's lion. When you have your meetings with your team and you're the one talking and your team sitting listening, you're lion in that moment. He's in charge, setting the agenda. Mouse is a person who is patient, looking to learn. They're trying to get information. They're eager. They're humble, seeking guidance.

It can be the people on your team who are sitting quietly because they're trying to learn. Probably in some sense right now, you and I switch back and forth from lion, and then our viewers, they're all mouse. They're all here, humble, seeking guidance. What can I learn? That's that, but it's fluid.

It can be the people on your team who are sitting quietly because they're trying to learn. Probably in some sense right now, you and I switch back and forth from lion, and then our viewers, they're all mouse. They're all here, humble, seeking guidance. What can I learn? That's that, but it's fluid.

Now, a person who is monkey, monkey is an animal where you're social, you're warm, you're talking to people. Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? That's what that is, right? And then they're probably going to be that back to you, right? Bad monkey, which you probably get a lot is, hey, Steve, I got a great idea. Can I just share it with you? Hey, let me just put you something real quick.

Now, a person who is monkey, monkey is an animal where you're social, you're warm, you're talking to people. Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? That's what that is, right? And then they're probably going to be that back to you, right? Bad monkey, which you probably get a lot is, hey, Steve, I got a great idea. Can I just share it with you? Hey, let me just put you something real quick.

That's pleading. That's desperate. That's really wanting something. Now, the other animal is T-Rex. T-Rex, which is something I tend to lean a little bit more towards, which I work very hard not to be but that's a person who is direct, frank, and forthright. It's also a person who's like, sounds just like the animal. You're more ready to fight. Like something happens and you're like, let's go.

That's pleading. That's desperate. That's really wanting something. Now, the other animal is T-Rex. T-Rex, which is something I tend to lean a little bit more towards, which I work very hard not to be but that's a person who is direct, frank, and forthright. It's also a person who's like, sounds just like the animal. You're more ready to fight. Like something happens and you're like, let's go.

There's a good version of that. There's a bad version of that. All of these have a good and bad version, but that's T-Rex. The key to people is not for you to dominate. The key to people is for you to identify the person in front of you in that moment and And then adapt to that behavior. So if I've got, for example, if you're a lion and I'm trying to be lion, we're both competing.

There's a good version of that. There's a bad version of that. All of these have a good and bad version, but that's T-Rex. The key to people is not for you to dominate. The key to people is for you to identify the person in front of you in that moment and And then adapt to that behavior. So if I've got, for example, if you're a lion and I'm trying to be lion, we're both competing.

Nothing's going to happen. Like you're going to be talking and I'm going to be trying to talk over you. It doesn't work. But if I see, okay, right now Stephen's lying. He's the one talking. He's guiding the conversation. He's doing this meeting. I'm going to go mouse. I'm going to be humble seeking guidance. Yes, Stephen, I'm listening. I want to learn.

Nothing's going to happen. Like you're going to be talking and I'm going to be trying to talk over you. It doesn't work. But if I see, okay, right now Stephen's lying. He's the one talking. He's guiding the conversation. He's doing this meeting. I'm going to go mouse. I'm going to be humble seeking guidance. Yes, Stephen, I'm listening. I want to learn.

They've hurt you, and they are probably genuinely sorry. That's not the point. The point is, when do you want to learn your lesson? In the beginning or at the end? And at the end, sometimes it's very, very, very hard. You know, I have a community, and I started after I did the book, and when people started writing in, I said, you know what, let me do this community.

They've hurt you, and they are probably genuinely sorry. That's not the point. The point is, when do you want to learn your lesson? In the beginning or at the end? And at the end, sometimes it's very, very, very hard. You know, I have a community, and I started after I did the book, and when people started writing in, I said, you know what, let me do this community.

So the wheel actually helps you identify who you have in front and then where do you go based on what you have in front. Now, if I'm dealing with someone who's monkey, I go to this event. You're going to this event. People are talking to you. When you have monkey, you also display monkey, which is warm, social, respectful.

So the wheel actually helps you identify who you have in front and then where do you go based on what you have in front. Now, if I'm dealing with someone who's monkey, I go to this event. You're going to this event. People are talking to you. When you have monkey, you also display monkey, which is warm, social, respectful.

However you want to be aware of, like when people are the bad version of that, which is they're trying to sell you something, they want something from you, you maintain that warm, social, respectful, but you realize I've got bad monkey in front of me. I need to keep distance. And T-Rex is, if I've got someone who's T-Rexed,

However you want to be aware of, like when people are the bad version of that, which is they're trying to sell you something, they want something from you, you maintain that warm, social, respectful, but you realize I've got bad monkey in front of me. I need to keep distance. And T-Rex is, if I've got someone who's T-Rexed,

it just means being direct, frank, and forthright, but it also teaches you how to deal with another T-Rex. That story you told me earlier, that guy that you checked, that you had checked, he was being T-Rex. He was attacking you behind your back. He's still attacking you because you can attack somebody, not to their face, but behind their back. You gossip, you slander, you hurt their reputation.

it just means being direct, frank, and forthright, but it also teaches you how to deal with another T-Rex. That story you told me earlier, that guy that you checked, that you had checked, he was being T-Rex. He was attacking you behind your back. He's still attacking you because you can attack somebody, not to their face, but behind their back. You gossip, you slander, you hurt their reputation.

That's T-Rex. That's bad T-Rex, by the way. So you had bad T-Rex, and then you came in, I don't think you were a bad T-Rex. You came in as good T-Rex, but you were frank, forthright, and direct. You said, hey, I heard about that stuff you just said outside to this person. If you have something to say, please say it to me. You were actually good T-Rex. You addressed him.

That's T-Rex. That's bad T-Rex, by the way. So you had bad T-Rex, and then you came in, I don't think you were a bad T-Rex. You came in as good T-Rex, but you were frank, forthright, and direct. You said, hey, I heard about that stuff you just said outside to this person. If you have something to say, please say it to me. You were actually good T-Rex. You addressed him.

And what happens is when you have T-Rex, You have to be T-Rex too. You just can't be bad T-Rex where you're patronizing, sarcastic, and insulting people, but you come in and you be direct, frank, and forthright, and you address the person. It's okay to address people. It's okay not to let stuff slide. so long as you are regulating your behavior.

And what happens is when you have T-Rex, You have to be T-Rex too. You just can't be bad T-Rex where you're patronizing, sarcastic, and insulting people, but you come in and you be direct, frank, and forthright, and you address the person. It's okay to address people. It's okay not to let stuff slide. so long as you are regulating your behavior.

But the way you do this is these animals help you realize, who do I have in front of me? It also helps you realize, who am I more? I know when I see this, I'm T-Rex, hands down. I have to work on it. But some people, when we talked about people who are very subservient or weak or dismissive or avoidant, for them, they're mouse, bad mouse.

But the way you do this is these animals help you realize, who do I have in front of me? It also helps you realize, who am I more? I know when I see this, I'm T-Rex, hands down. I have to work on it. But some people, when we talked about people who are very subservient or weak or dismissive or avoidant, for them, they're mouse, bad mouse.

And when you realize, like, I go mouse a lot, then that tells you, you know what, I need to be a little bit more lying in my life.

And when you realize, like, I go mouse a lot, then that tells you, you know what, I need to be a little bit more lying in my life.

There's four animals. Each animal has a good version and a bad version. Good version lion is I'm in charge. I'm setting the agenda. I'm a boss who's really just trying to guide and lead his team.

There's four animals. Each animal has a good version and a bad version. Good version lion is I'm in charge. I'm setting the agenda. I'm a boss who's really just trying to guide and lead his team.

Bad version of lion, which is outside that outer perimeter.

Bad version of lion, which is outside that outer perimeter.

Dogmatic, demanding, rigid. This is the way I want it. This is the way it's going to be done because I want it like this.

Dogmatic, demanding, rigid. This is the way I want it. This is the way it's going to be done because I want it like this.

So first, you always want to stay in the good wheel. You always want to stay as a good animal. Like you don't want people to pull you out. And that's where it talks about self-regulation because it's very easy for people to pull you into their bad wheel, their bad animal.