Eve Ellenbogen
Appearances
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hi, I'm Eve. I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody. And I don't really blend in very well in Austin. People tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew. You're such a dirty little Jew. And I'm like, I know, spit on me. Make me cum. Any other Jews allowed in here?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, in the back. I'm not a religious Jew. I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only. So I don't follow the Jew rules. I eat bacon. I love, love foreskin. Together is the best way on a bagel. It's like a sandwich, you know? It's like a BFT, right? Like bacon, foreskin, tears. Living in Austin has changed me a little bit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I never used to say retarded, but now I say retarded. In New York, we don't say that. We're better. But then I moved to Texas, and almost everyone is retarded.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And I guess it's like free, which is like a Jew thing. Exactly. Yeah, so that's good. You guys don't like the Jew jokes.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No. I started when I lived in Korea. I lived in South Korea.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The first time I met Hans, I spoke to him in Korean, and he got hard. I think it was like, because it reminded him of his mom. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's hard. You really got to spread them. Why were you in Korea? I spent my 20s teaching English in Korea. I'm 40 now. What made you want to do that? I just didn't want to have a normal... I just didn't want to be in the U.S. Why? What was going on? Well, I guess I grew up and I knew that I would leave. My mom died when I was a kid and I was like, I got to get out of here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Stop trying to fuck me, Jay. I was seven when she died. How did she die? She died from a brain tumor.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No, she was very sick from when I was like five. You guys want to hear this, right? When I was like five, she was like a lawyer, she was very smart, all this stuff. Fuck you, Red Band. And then she... Bill Maher's jerking off!
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
All right. So then she couldn't speak anymore. She was like, and she wasn't really kind of there anymore. And so she didn't tell. I knew from other people, but you don't really get it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I never thought of it, but you're right. She was very smart, and for a period of time, I was smarter. Thank you, Tony.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Looking up. I'm kidding. She's not in hell. I'm kidding.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He's very funny. That's where our whole family gets it from my dad. James McCann is a friend of mine, and he loves a joke that my dad told him, which I hate.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was just a quick thing. His voice was going, and he goes, Sorry, I'm a little horse. I'm a pony. And that's, yeah. Wow, that is a wacky joke. James will say it. He'll be like, I'm a little horse, I'm a pony. Because my dad has a fun, chewy way of saying it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No, no, no. No, he doesn't have any race jokes, but there's so many sex jokes. And I have to be like, stop. I don't want to know you this way. That's what I tell him.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He did a bunch of things, like first in math stuff, then he owned a little publishing company, then he went to art dealing, and then controlling the media.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No. Why? Because of my hair? Yeah. Is that why? So my bangs are not usually this severe. I did like a taping the other day.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No, it's like, it's the end of the world. I'm so horny all the time. But no, I did a little taping thing on Friday and I panicked because I get anxious. And so I was like on the phone just cutting my bangs. And then I went, I think I did okay. And then it didn't, it doesn't look that great, but it'll grow in. That's what you learn when you have bangs.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You have like- One handed. It was, yeah, it was crazy. Like I was, I was like, I'm in a moment. You know, when you're in a moment and you're like, this is, it's this or cut myself. And I did the bangs.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was, no, I was like in a moment. It was like, I have to do this right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
You don't have anxiety. I don't really get crazy anxiety, but when I get it, it's like a full, like, I'm not here right now.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, exactly. I just, I mean, I journal. I do a little yoga. No, I don't know. I just fucking panic.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No, if I talk to the mirror, listen, I'm like a real basic bitch in some ways. If I talk to the mirror, I'm like, you're doing great. Like, that's what I do in the mirror. And then I'm like, you just cut those bangs. And then I have to deal with you being like, what's going on?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No, listen, it's fair. It's fair. There's a picture of me as a kid where I did the exact same thing, but that was because my mother was dead. Right. Oh, you feel so bad. You're so sad about it.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I love it. Look, it has to do with how I feel in the moment. Sometimes my bangs look great right now. You know, I'm getting it together. That's how I feel.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, I was coping, is what I'm trying to say. I was coping with my hair. That's better than a lot of things. I don't really drink, right? I'm better than all of you, all right? There you go.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, that's true. It'll grow in. I got them cut like a month ago, and then they grow in faster than the rest of the hair. I love it. I love it. It's awesome.