Etgar Keret
Appearances
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
This is a story about a bus driver who would never open the door of the bus for people who were late. Not for anyone. Not for repressed high school kids who'd run alongside the bus and stare at it longingly. And not for high-strung people in windbreakers who'd bang on the door as if they were actually on time and it was the driver who was out of line.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And not even for little old ladies with brown paper bags full of groceries who struggled to flag him down with trembling hands. And it wasn't because he was mean that he didn't open the door. Because this driver didn't have a mean bone in his body. It was a matter of ideology.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
The driver's ideology said that even if the delay caused by opening the door for someone who came late was just under 30 seconds... And even if not opening the door meant that this person would wind up losing 15 minutes of his life, it would still be more fair to society to not open the door. Because the 30 seconds would be lost by every single passenger on the bus.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And if there were, say, 60 people on the bus who hadn't done anything wrong and had all arrived to the bus stop on time, Then together, they'd be losing half an hour, which is double 15 minutes. This was the only reason why he'd never opened the door.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
He knew that the passengers hadn't the slightest idea what his reason was, and that the people running after the bus and singling him to stop had no idea either. He also knew that most of them thought he was just an a**hole and that personally, it would have been much, much easier for him to let them on and receive their smiles and thanks.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
Except that when it came to choosing between smiles and thanks on the one hand and the good of society on the other, this driver knew what it had to be. The person who should have suffered the most from the driver's ideology was named Eddie. But unlike the other people in this story, he wouldn't even try to run for the bus. That's how lazy and out of it he was.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
Now Eddie was assistant cook at a restaurant called The Steakout, which was the best pan that the stupid owner of this place could come up with. The food there was nothing to write home about, but Eddie himself was a really nice guy. So nice that sometimes when something he made didn't come out too great, he'd serve it to the table himself and apologize.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
It was during one of these apologies that he met happiness, or at least a shot at happiness, in the form of a girl that was so sweet that she tried to finish the entire portion of roast beef he brought her, just so he wouldn't feel bad.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And this girl didn't want to tell him her name or give him her phone number, but she was sweet enough to agree to meet him the next day at five, at a spot they decided on together. At a dolphinarium, to be exact. Now Eddie had this condition, one that had already caused him to miss out on all sorts of things in life.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
It wasn't one of those conditions where your adenoids get all swollen or anything like that. But still, it had already caused him a lot of damage. This sickness always made him oversleep. By ten minutes. And no alarm clock did any good. That was why he was always late for work at the stakeout. That, and our bus driver. The one who always chose the good of society over smiles and thanks.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
Except that this time, since happiness was at stake, Eddie decided to beat the condition. And instead of taking an afternoon nap, he stayed awake and watched television. Just to be on the safe side, he even lined up not one, but three alarm clocks and ordered a wake-up call to boot. But this sickness was incurable, and Eddie fell asleep like a baby, watching the kiddie channel.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
screeching of a trillion million alarm clocks. 10 minutes too late. Rushed out of the house without stopping to change and ran toward the bus stop. He barely remembered how to run anymore, and his feet fumbled a bit every time they left the sidewalk. The last time he ran was before he discovered he could cut gym class, which was about in the 6th grade.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
Except that unlike in those gym classes, this time he ran like crazy, because now he had something to lose. And all the pain in his chest and his lucky strike wheezing weren't going to get in the way of his pursuit of happiness. Nothing was going to get in his way. Except our bus driver. where it just closed the door and was beginning to pull away.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
The driver saw Eddie in the rearview mirror, but as we've already explained, he had an ideology. That more than anything, relied on love of justice and on simple arithmetic. Except that Eddie didn't care about the driver's arithmetic. For the first time in his life, he really wanted to get somewhere on time. And that's why he went right on chasing the bus, even though he didn't have a chance.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
Then, Eddie's luck turned. But only halfway, 100 yards past the bus stop, there was a traffic light. And just a second before the bus reached it, the traffic light turned red. Eddie managed to catch up with the bus and to drag himself all the way to the driver's door. He didn't even bang on the glass he was so weak.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
He just looked at the driver with moist eyes and fell to his knees, panting and wheezing. And this reminded the driver of something, something from out of the past, from a time before he wanted to become a bus driver, when he still wanted to become God. It was kind of a sad memory, because the driver didn't become God at the end.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
But it was a happy one too, because he became a bus driver, which was his second choice. And suddenly, the driver remembered how he'd once promised himself that if he became God in the end, he'd be merciful and kind and would listen to all these creatures. So when he saw Eddie from way up in his driver's seat, kneeling on the asphalt, he simply couldn't go through with it.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And in spite of all his ideology and his simple arithmetic, he opened the door and Eddie got on and didn't even say thank you. He was so out of breath. Okay, maybe the best thing would be to stop listening right now. Because even though Eddie did get to the Dolphinarium one time, happiness didn't come. Because happiness already had a boyfriend.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
It's just she was so sweet that she couldn't bring herself to tell Eddie, so she preferred to stand him up. Eddie waited for her on the bench they had agreed on for almost two hours. While he sat there, he kept thinking all sorts of depressing thoughts about his life.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And while he was at it, he watched the sunset, which was a pretty good one, and thought about how cramped his legs were going to be later on. When he was really desperate to get home, he saw his bus in the distance, pulling in at the bus stop and letting off passengers. And he knew that even if he'd had the strength to run, he'd never catch up with it anyway.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
So he just kept on walking slowly, feeling about a million tired muscles with every step. And when he finally reached the bus stop, he saw that the bus was still there, waiting for him. And even though the passengers were shouting and grumbling to get a move on, the driver waited for Eddie, and he didn't touch the accelerator till Eddie was seated.
This American Life
851: Try a Little Tenderness
And when they started moving, he looked in the rearview mirror and gave Eddie a sad wink, which somehow made the whole thing almost bearable.