Eilise Patton

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They're pretty damn famous. I feel like there is, like, you do cross a line when you're really famous into it being cool.

oh tell her that stuff that was the craziest thing i've ever heard i think i already probably told this but he just got on the flight like in between me and liam as we were boarding uh so i was like comfort plus and i sat down and he was he went past me and i heard him say he was like on the phone he was like yeah i got a fucking middle seat i'm slumming it and then he walked all the way to the back he was in economy and he had cat ears on

And then he cut in the line, like, in between me and Liam, like, right as, like, you know, like, the door they put, like, your carry-on luggage down? Yeah, yeah. He, like, came up that in between me and Liam.

Yeah, he must. I mean, the only answer is that it was, like, super last minute. Sold out. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you don't even care at that point. Your wife is Megan Fox.

Megan Fox.

F-A-W-K-E-S.

And then I believe the Renaissance happened.

It was like a flat thing.

This is effectively Skyline chili. It's the closest thing you're going to get in L.A.

Why is that a thing you know? It's like a famous moment from history. Wait, looking at this... Remember, remember the something in November, right?

Fifth of November?

Oh, that's a little shepherdess. Yeah. Google a little shepherdess, 1891.

Wait, is that it? Wait, what?

Go to all. Go to all. And then click that first Wikipedia page. Is that it?

Different but same.

Here's a question. How many people do you have to invite to your wedding because you're told by your family you have to, but you don't know them or care that they're there?

Put it back in the cup. All right.

That's not even a book call.

War?

Yeah.

That was a heat check for sure. You gotta pick now. Have you seen? I went to watch it last night and they make you pick now.

Who makes you pick?

Oh, my. No, that was. I was going to bring that up. I went to my notes. I have to be like, I think I wrote something down for this episode. And it was just me high on my couch last night. I was like, Alvin or the chipmunks. And I wrote that down.

Yeah, but it is. I like to go back to your original point. I do like to think like this guy, I look at this photo of me and my friends and this guy I don't know smiling every single day. I like to think that somewhere in the world there's someone who has a little picture of them and their friends and I'm just there smiling and they look at me every day. I love that.

this guy's he's he's hanging on my desk and my we made we got a keychain version and my dad used it to like rig the like door of our like outdoor shower at our house so like everyone who uses our outdoor shower sees this guy too yeah he's like an integral part of like i think i'd recognize him if i saw him yeah i would recognize him every day yeah what if he's like what if like he kills a guy

yeah well you know he's having a really bad year like whatever like he really fucked that up like i would just feel really sad if i was like but like it is what it is weird like the way that we're completely able to remove ourselves from like the human element like when it comes to my sports team i'll be like you're a fucking bum you're an absolute loser like i would never say that about anyone in my life you wouldn't like go into your bank and be like you've been fucking it up yeah like they could get my order completely wrong at a restaurant i'd be like thank you

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You know, I won't lie. I thought Dollar Shave Club was just razors. I could not be more wrong.

Closest, most comfortable shave imaginable. They've got the club series handle that goes with it. No slip, 360 degree diamond pattern grip. I have this thing. It's like getting one of those credit cards that feels cool when you slap it down. Literally, just holding this thing. I'm like, this feels... Cool.

We've never had a girl on, and I get nervous around girls.

it's like and it's like green wait but why did you why did it get wet so when you ride a bike in the now i'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick when you ride a bike on the uh when it's wet out like it wasn't even raining that hard but like when you go through a puddle the back wheel like shoots it all up so it sprays up your back yeah so and if you go biking in the rain you always get shit all up your back

Played it. Episode 78. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast. Elise Patton.

I'm not a big biker. Sorry, I wasn't a big biker. And then it was necessity because I don't have a whip.

Yeah.

How'd it go? Awesome. Let's go. I got almost a knot on my pants. My dad rolled backwards down a hill or something rollerblading. It was before I was born. But I've heard the story.

He was like rollerblading and he went backwards down a hill. I think it fell in the woods.

Yeah. I think he fell in the woods.

It's still going.

I think what we gathered is Lisa and his dad were kind of cool. I said this last episode, but your dad owns a ham store. Yeah.

Yeah. I told you.

So that was the, is the bulk of the business Obviously, like, holidays, you sell whole hams. Yeah. But the rest of the year, what's keeping the lights on for a brick-and-mortar honey baked ham?

How many people go in?

Really?

I mean, we used to get them. They're great.

You're doing groundlings?

If you have a good sketch, do you do them or us? You know what?

You know, we're going on spring break this year. I don't want to talk about it.

Off to Bacardi, Le Mans, Corona. We are going to Fort Lauderdale with our friends from Bacardi. That's fun. And we're going to go party up for spring break.

Which is pretty epic.

It's like, more oil, more oil.

I saw a thing on Reddit that was, like, some girl posted, like, it was, like, am I overreacting or something? And it was, like, her boyfriend's message for her birthday was clearly from ChatGPT.

And it was, like, really sweet. She's like, I know he didn't write this. I know this is ChatGPT. Like, why would he? Like a heartfelt, why would he do this? Yeah, like, he got her something nice and, like, everything was good, but he clearly just ChatGPT'd.

It bails one minute before on Saturday.

My dad read them to my brother and sister before the movies ever came out, and they always said Hermione. Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, he would read them to them when they were little. It was just the book, so no one really knew.

I want to have a boy and a girl named LeBron and Hermione.

My dad thought it was Hermione. So all of the time he's like, Hermione. Harry and Hermione. I think there was like three or four books out before the first movie.

Yeah.

So I have one, but you can. You do yours. Okay. All right. What's the worst part about ordering a bagel?

Yeah, no.

The worst part is that sometimes I'm like, I kind of want everything. I kind of want like a siago or like a blueberry, like a cinnamon raisin. Anyway, I think they should make double-sided bagels.

All right, Elise, your pitch.

He's seeing things like a mile away. He's seeing through walls.

Oh, that's perfect. You live in LA and everyone makes you feel like an idiot for it, but I feel like it'd be normal anywhere else.

That's true. Insane ending.

The guy took the railing off his porch. All right. My husband recently built an outdoor shower, and he's been so stressed because he didn't pull any permits. You can totally call him. Okay, here we go.

Hi, this is Michael with the permitting division of the building department. Just wanted to check in. It's about an outdoor shower that I believe is installed on your property. We've just gotten a few complaints. It is not up to city code. There's too many holes on the nozzle. You can't have that many streams of water leaving the nozzle at one time.

It's a safety hazard for a lot of the local reptiles and amphibians. So if you don't mind just giving me a call back, we can either shave a few holes off the nozzle or we'll just fine you thousands of dollars. All right. Thank you, sir. Take care.

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Wow. That was powerful. I liked the part where he said a bunch of stuff that's white at the beginning.

Yeah.

We figured out in route that one of the ducks is infected.

Where did you find this?

I liked our last one in Brooklyn where the green room immediately became like the highest density part of the entire world. Yeah.

That was a trivia question at the bar.

Yeah.

Thanks.

A beer.

It's like, can you see all the crackers down on the beach or all the mattresses on their heads?

Okay, I've got Will You Marry Me? This is about this guy and this girl get on this Ferris wheel, and they're both alone. And then the Ferris wheel has a malfunction about a quarter of the way up. And so it's some sort of big technical error, and they have to very slowly over the course of hours and hours let one cart off at a time.

And they were just like a quarter of the way up, so they still have to go all the way around. So over the course of the day, they're just stuck on this Ferris wheel together, waiting for their chance to get off because it's broken.

Is that what he just said?

Um,

I've got spoken for.

A guy gets hit. He's riding his bike and he gets hit. And one of the spokes of the bike goes flying and hits a pedestrian in the face.

And so then he has to chase the drain and find where the drain lets out. Like I'm finding Nemo.

He goes to like the drain factory or whatever.

Classic. And then some worker at the drain factory had found the ring and had actually already put it on herself. And then he meets her and she's so pretty that it says, we can leave it right where it is. And they get married.

It's that guy.

No, he wasn't. He just had it for when he finds the right girl.

We do one each.

Right. I like that. Yeah. Thank you. Uh, doesn't take a sailor to know when the boat's sinking.

That, you know, sometimes someone will, I don't know.

Are you excited for the Super Bowl?

Yeah. But I didn't end up doing that.

Wait, who's going to go to that?

I'm stealing Patrick Mahomes' personality because I'm going to get that dub this weekend.

They would love each other. But my brother's 31.

Oh, they would hate each other.

I didn't even think of that. They're going to hate each other.

Right. Right. Right. Yeah.

Yes.

We're going to Nash Vegas. Oh, that's right. We are in Nash Vegas, which last year... Oh, it's... By the way, by the time anyone's listening to this, the Super Bowl already happened.

I think there's just a million different categories.

yeah like how do you i feel like i could speaking of uh you know i was just talking about perks of being a wallflower yeah yeah i just saw the movie this week what thoughts i haven't seen it in like a long time sad although happy because i thought that i knew that the ending and then i was wrong thankfully i thought he was gonna die and he didn't but they just banned it in south carolina why also in south carolina when their priorities i feel like are usually so low on anything yeah

But they're like, that's got to go.

Department of Education banned the Perks of Being a Wallflower, the book.

Yeah, they want like jocks and nerds. Guys like up on a podium like, we're trying to bring back the jocks and the nerds type stuff.

Maybe Google like Lea Michele can't read.

That's the funniest conspiracy theory that's ever existed.

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