Dylan Carlino

Oh my God, no, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Also, my relationship with Usher was my mom's best friend growing up, was like sickly and sexually addicted to Usher and would talk about him constantly. Yeah. So whenever I think about Usher, I always think, oh my God, Joanne's man. Yeah.

True.

She came back from Vegas. No, I mean, he's hot. Usher is hot.

Of girls at the TV show?

Oh, a lover.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm nervous. Wait, tell me, what is it? What's the difference?

Do I talk shit? Because that answer is yes. Um... And actually, you know that I take it back. I like am a hater. I really am. I think because I hate almost everything that other people do and it bothers me.

Yeah. I love what I love. And I love that with my whole heart. And there are certain people that I would, you know, obviously die for. But yeah, everything else, actually, I do hate.

I love it. Oh, my God. Girl talk raised me. It's the only thing I know how to do. Girl talk is, like, how... It's, like, ruining my relationship with men because they don't know how... I, like, didn't have any male friends until I was, like, 25. There's, like, so many things I learned about, like, talking like a girl that I had to, like, stop doing with my male friends.

Like, something that men don't do is when somebody walks out of the room, you don't talk shit about them. And...

No, they just go like, they just leave and they go like, oh, happy he was here. Or they have like no comment where like I'm used to like a girl walks out and you kind of all look around and be like, can you believe that she brought potato salad? Like she knows that I'm allergic to raisins.

Hello? No, they don't do it.

That is shocking.

They don't know each other well enough to talk shit about each other. Like... We are friendships. We like, I, my best friend could be in the room. She's acting weird. I know she's acting weird because her and I were having gotten into a huge fight and she always acts like this and she's done it for 15 years.

So when she walks out of the room, I'm like, you know, this is her issues with men and the way that she lives her life. And like, this is bothering me because she's now affecting my life. A guy could, men like, not to be dark, but like kill themselves. And all their friends are like, we had no idea he was going through it. It's like, yeah, cause you guys don't talk.

No, I have like severe ADHD. And so the, if I was a girl thing is something that I've been doing with my friends for years. Like, and it was always my friend's favorite bits. Like girls, I would see a girl do something and I would either be like, oh, if I was a girl, I would do that or I wouldn't do that. And I would kind of do like a little thing for my friends and they would love it.

And then one day I was like, I should put it on socials. But no, when I'm doing it, Like, the first video I ever did, it was, if I was a girl, I'd flush my tampons down the toilet. And it was because every time I walk into a bathroom, it says, don't flush anything other than, you know, toilet paper. I would think, oh, if I was a girl, I would flush my tampons down the toilet.

I know that's about me. But I did come up with the phrase, and then, like, the initial, you know, premise, and then everything else is just improvised.

Wow. Yeah.

And then I look at my messages to see what girls are begging for their names to be used. They send me hundreds of messages, please do a Claire. And then I just don't say anything and I grant their wish.

I'd probably get more traction if I did reply comments doing their names, but it seems like so much work to do that that I'm like, I'll just pick it and do it. Or if girls come to my live shows and they ask for their name, I'll do it there. But other than that, no, it's all improvised.

My favorite girl, I did one, it did really well. I did this girl named Sierra and she smells her boyfriend's dick when he gets home late.

I think that one's my favorite. I also do love a girl named Veronica who goes by Ronnie. You know, things like that.

I liked like hard stances. You know what I mean?

You know what's funny? I mean, like, I literally... You know what? I was just, like, a fat gay kid for so long that, like, I was like, well, nobody wants to fuck me. But everyone's always laughing. And then I became obsessed with stand-up. And I was like, well, I was working at, like, a gas station. So I was like, well, I would love to do stand-up. And then I just kind of started doing that.

And then once I started doing it, people's reactions have always been like, wow, you're, like, pretty good at this. And then I was just like, oh, I guess I must be naturally gifted. Yeah.

Gifted from the God. One of the chosen ones. God didn't give me a good body, so I had to learn how to make people laugh.

I wasn't. I thought you were going to bring up her arrest video where she was like... One of my favorite videos.

I'm an American citizen on American soil. Thanks.

You know what was great about that is that she got that video. And I think within 48 hours, she was on a daytime talk show with her brown hair being like, I have police officers in my family.

Oh, I just watched Sweet Home Alabama for a game. I think one of my favorite movies of all time.

I think every day this week I've looked in the mirror and said, what, they run out of soap down at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?

I love white trash. It's like my favorite thing. You know what's so funny is that the girls come to my shows and they'll be like, please do a black girl name. And I go, no. I'm like, there's no way I'm going to do it. If I was as a white guy starting to do like black girl, Latino girl content, I go, no, drew a follow will rip me up. I don't even know her. And I'm scared of her.

There's no way you're doing that.

I did. Yes, I was at every sleepover. I did not have male friends until my 20s. So I always joked that I was like socialized female. Because it was like, even the teachers when they like, remember, they would like separate us by the gender. They'd be like, hey, we're going boys over here, girls over here. Dylan, you can hang out with the girls. Like, I had no male ally.

Yeah, so I just thought, I actually had the realization where I was like, oh, this year, in the last year, that I was like, oh, I'm different than other gay guys, not to be like that.

Because I thought we were all kind of like this, and now I realize most gay guys, you know, they start with girls in high school, and then they go to college and make a bunch of gay friends, and then drop all of their girlfriends, and then they just hang out with each other. Yeah. I went right from my small town, lived there until I was 23 with all of my girls.

And then I started doing comedy and just became friends with more girls and, like, straight guys. So I never had that, like, drop-off period. But yeah, no, I mean, that's just how all my friends back home talk. Yeah. And it's great because it's always like the secrets and like the you whisper things.

And it's all like you're talking behind people's backs, but it's also like coming from a place of love. I just think the way women communicate like that in secret behind men's backs is like so funny.

I'm from small town Massachusetts, the Berkshires.

I'm from two towns over from where Dorinda is from. We used to swim next to her house. It's called Green River.

No, never seen her, never saw her. But the first time I was ever written about in a magazine, she was on the cover. It was the Berkshire County magazine.

Sisters.

they'll send like, I hate to say this. There are some girls that are like, here's my life story. I think it'd be great for if I was a girl. And then you read it and you're like, honey, this is nonsense and makes no sense. So no. Also, they're not fun when people want me to do specific ones. Like I was on Cameo for a while and people wanted me to make tailored ones.

And I was like, this is like way too much work for like, 28 dollars oh my god i forgot about cameo yeah yeah i can't do it i also it's like not fun for me unless i'm making it up if you want me to do like hyper specific situations it's boring i will say on my podcast they send in crazy relationship stuff where i go like did you read this email and still think he's the love of your life and and

Every guy, they're always like, he's the love of my life. I'm like, you just said he has a five inch penis and basically hits you. What are you talking about?

No. Sorry, I'm dark. I should have said that. No, no, no.

Same. Actually, mine was a doctor diagnosed.

30.

Oh my God, I'm 2012 too. That's why we're deeply connected.

Yeah, yeah. I'm deeply connected to anybody. It's me, you two, Phoebe Bridgers, and Maggie Rogers. And what a great group to be a part of.

But my stepmom bought me an eighth grade DVD, like, full season of the 1994 show, My So-Called Life.

And that is, like, telling the story of, like, a 14-year-old girl going into her freshman year.

And she's, like, dating Jordan Catalano.

He was also... Also, another one of my favorite shows, Felicity was in that. He played a rapist.

heard but those shows i swear my so-called life was like the that was like who i was as a person i like that was everything to me yeah no that's powerful i have great anatomy tattoos tattoos yeah like what i have pick me choose me love me on my arm i'll be a force of nature on my leg i mean i was 19 but i still stand by them then maybe you are a lover that's a real lover thing to do that is a real and that's a real lover tattoo

I know. Well, you know what it is? Did you guys watch Grey's Anatomy?

Oh, good for you. I respect that so much. I stopped during the COVID season, but I will start again because I will finish it as someone who... You know, I'm just mad at Shonda Rhimes regardless because she said the show was going to end with Ellen and now Ellen doesn't want to do it anymore and they're still going on for money, I'm sure. But... I love Meredith Gray.

She's probably like who I relate. Meredith and Christina is probably like my favorite people to ever be written. But I love that tattoo because it was like not really necessarily about being like, I'm in love with you and I want you to date me. But it's like that was seen like Meredith is very repressed and never talks about her feelings. And I love that.

It was like her being like, all right, fuck it. I'm just going to actually say what I want for once. And that's what the whole speech is actually about. And yeah, I love that. So I got it tattooed on me. And it's like iconic.

You're a lover.

Happy Pride month. Absolutely. Also, my favorite movie is Practical Magic.

I'm devastated I'm not a part of the second one, which I have no claim to be a part of it, but I'm devastated that I'm not.

and me and I'm in the room with you two being like how do I get involved I'll play a candlestick like shit yeah okay what are your favorite names and do you keep a list of names in your phone to go to no I'm like really bad about that like I think I think I've done a Claire before and I did another Claire yesterday like I forget and I'm like the I'm like such a type B person there's I literally just go through my DMs or sometimes I'll just look up like girl names like

totally no but no there's no organization whatsoever in my life um it's everything's like i'm like a bad serpent that doesn't write anything down i'm like got it all up here don't you worry and then i'm just making mistakes but favorite names i like i said veronica who goes by ronnie i love girl names with boy nicknames that's probably like yes yes like a charlotte charlie yeah or andrea andy yeah q oh wow

But I did say if I had daughters, and I don't want kids at all, I would have three daughters, and their names would be River, Lake, and Rain.

Lake's my favorite.

Tate McRae's interesting because it's like she's blowing up, but we don't even know who she is because I actually don't think Tate McRae knows who she is. I think she's incredible, but I think Tate McRae in five years is going to be epic. So she's a girl who hasn't gone to her full power yet.

Strong debut. Oh, I hate that.

God, I mean, Chapel Roan, I, like, I hate to be like this, but I was, like, somebody who was listening to Chapel Roan, like, four years ago. And so, yeah, so to me it is a little bit of a sore subject. But Chapel Roan is... What am I supposed to say? Not handling fame well? I mean, I... I don't know.

I respect her so much and I respect that she wants her privacy, but I go like at a certain point, honey, you made a deal with the devil and it's over. You got to pay up. Yeah. Privacy.

I don't know. I like Sabrina Carpenter is like the most popular girl at school that you're kind of like, what's happening?

No, you know, like, I like Sabrina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know her personally. And this is no shade to Sabrina, but you know when, like, when you were in high school and the girl who was, like, super popular and you're like, yeah, she's pretty, but, like, why is she the leader of the group?

I love her. I love her, but I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna, I am not gonna jump in front of a car to save Sabrina Carpenter.

Oh, I would, like, cause a 10-car pileup to save Maggie Rogers, on the other hand.

I'm basically working for Maggie's team at this point.

She's incredible. But she, she's made great albums. I love Maggie. I just there's to me, I just like she's my number one, you know, that person that sings for you. And you're like, Oh, this is me.

Also, she has an incredible voice. And nobody ever talks about that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's Where I Am.

I'll tell you this right now. When we get off this, you listen to In the Living Room, her newest single that just came out, and off her album, If Now Is Then. And tell me those don't make you feel a certain way. And those are her two very new songs.

I'm different.

Oh, gosh. Maggie Rogers is like... Gosh, she's like that girl that's not the most popular girl at school. But then... I always joke that Maggie Rogers is like...

normal girl aesthetic and then you really but like if you stare at her for too long you're like oh my god she's the most gorgeous talented person in the entire world she's like a secret like took the glasses off yeah yeah oh my god banger yeah yeah i like that um and then okay last one lana del rey

I would never speak ill of Lana Del Rey, nor did I think I've answered a single one of these questions correctly.

Here's what I'll say about Lana Del Rey. She's gorgeous. She's talented. I have never identified with her or her music simply because of this. You know how there are certain girls that guys just, like, love?

Like, Lana Del Rey is one of those girls that, like, I have a friend, Eden, back in Portland, who is, like, gorgeous, but I've, like, literally watched guys, like, jump out of their moving cars to buy her, like, a coffee in the morning. Like, Lana Del Rey is like that. Like, guys die for her. She's, like, effortlessly. I'm not like that. I'm like Taylor Swift. You can feel me trying, you know?

Like, there's no allure to me whatsoever. Yeah.

Oh, number one, they're definitely cool girl names. That's the thing. A girl named Hunter, I'm not going to be honest, has the ability to bully you into an inch of your life.

And will.

And Peyton isn't going to do it by herself, but if she's standing next to Hunter, you know she's throwing a couple, that's right, in there. And

I love, no, Peyton and Hunter, those are very cool girl popular boarding school names where you're like scared.

Oh, tax, you guys are giving, you guys are giving rich to me.

Follow me at Dylan P. Carlino. Dylan Carlino, although he has 168 followers, would not give me the name. So it's Dylan P. Carlino. And then I have a podcast, Feeling Girly, which is at feelinggirlypod.com at Instagram.

Thank you guys so much. I appreciate it.

Follow Let Me Say This on the Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to bonus episodes of Let Me Say This exclusively and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or an Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us a little bit about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

Okay.

I'm so glad you asked.

28?