Dulce Sloan
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Start the clock. OK, Shirley Chisholm, incredible congresswoman, chiseled her way into history by being the first black woman to run for president for a major party in 1972. She spent 14 years in Congress representing Brooklyn. And I mean Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Spike Lee, Brooklyn. Not Lena Dunham, Brooklyn.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
If you thought Biggie had a tough time making money, imagine going door to door in bed style asking for campaign contributions. Donations, raise money. Donations, raise money. Y'all was off beat, it's all right. Listen, next. Dr. Shirley Jackson. Ooh, another Shirley. The first black woman to earn a doctorate from MIT. She helped innovate touch tone phones, portable fax machines, and caller ID.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
She's the only reason long distance relationships work. So every time you use your phone, pour a little wifi out for your girl Shirley. Next up, Missy Elliott. For proving that black women can make a hit song while singing forwards and backwards. It's your fun of whipping you an idiot, is that how you say that? Missy, we salute you. You salute we, Missy. See, that's backwards, okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Look at your girl, all right? Next. Okay, we got an auntie in the White House. Yes, Ms. Kamala Harris. First female VP and one bad bike ride away from being president. Listen, I'm just saying, if Huffy Bikes really wanted a female president, loosen some chains at the factory. Y'all can make history. Help a sister out. Come on. Next. Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space in 1992.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
What took so long? And that makes sense, because in the 90s, black people were doing whatever they could to get the farthest away from the LAPD. So you saying I could go to outer space while these cops stay on Earth? Oh, I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. And the most amazing thing is that she came back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
That's never a guarantee, but girl, why? There's a black woman on Family Matters that went upstairs and never came back down again. Next, Lisa Leslie. basketball legend who was the first woman to dunk in the NBA. That's right, she can dunk, which is way more impressive because when women do it, we do it with titties. Slows you down. She changed the game.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Like me, every time I played Uno with my five-year-old nephew, draw four, draw 17, Uno, ha! In your face, Declan. Next. Hey, it's my mommy. Hey, everybody, look at my mama. She's out there every day giving, serving, loving, and I mean literally mothering me. Literally mothering. And, you know, she made me. You're welcome. You're welcome. You know what? That's not bad.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
I'm surprised I was able to cover that many people. That's okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
It would be happier if you got me a gift.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Yeah, because I'm black in February, and in March, I'm a woman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
In April, because you're a fool. Anyway, Trevor, have you ever wondered why women don't get the historic credit they deserve?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Statues, Trevor. Women don't have as many statues as men. In fact, nationwide, only 8% of outdoor statues are of women. Wow. How did you know that statistic? I drink Snapple. I read.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
And I've seen it for myself. I was walking through Central Park the other day under duress, and I saw statues of Alexander Hamilton, Christopher Columbus, William Shakespeare, all famous men from history. When it comes to women, there's only two statues in Central Park. Alice in Wonderland and Mother Goose. Which makes no damn sense. Alice is just a white girl who took Molly.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
And why does Mother Goose get a statue? All she did was a goose!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Because, Trevor, statues help us remember history. When you walk past a statue and you're like, oh yeah, MLK did have a dream. Thomas Jefferson was a complicated individual. And when you don't honor women the same way you honor men, you're leaving them out of history. That's true.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
That doesn't count. We need statues of real women, not some giant French bitch holding an ice cream. No. Someone like Toni Morrison, the first black woman to win the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or someone like Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed to a presidential cabinet. Or someone like Beyoncé. The first woman to be Beyoncé. Why doesn't she have a statue?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
I mean, she's already standing like a statue. She's ready.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Oh, I've already done it, Trevor.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
I've designed one statue to symbolize all women. Their power, their beauty, their mystique. a flawless avatar of womanhood that anyone can look at and see themselves.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Oh, Trevor. I'm touched that you can see me in that art.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Nah, I'm kidding. It's Idris Elba's baby. Because that's some history I want to make. Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Hello, friends. Today is February 29th, which is Leap Day and Black Women's History Day! Yeah! And if you don't know that, it's because I just made it up. Why? Because the rest of February is taken. Dr. King gets two weeks, the presidents get a three-day weekend, and they even give a day to a groundhog. What the hell is a groundhog? That's not even, like, is that even a real animal? Are we sure?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Isn't it just a big-ass guinea pig with a good publicist? So I'm claiming February 29th for us. Yay! Why only one day every four years? Because you account for, you know, the wage gap and your mom and them. You know, the math works out, okay? Trust me, I carried the four and everything. But the day is almost over, so let's celebrate some black women as fast as we can.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Women's History Month
Okay, throw a clock on the screen. Wait, no, that looks like a shot clock. This ain't the NBA, no. Make it historical. Is that a cuckoo clock? Are you trying to say black women are crazy? The nerve, the unmitigated gall. Okay, just put up any clock. Oh, hey sis. Okay, I like her. She's black and she looks like she don't take no shit from nobody. OK, let's celebrate some black women.