Dr. Thema Bryant
Appearances
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so in your story creation of why it happened, you may be looking at yourself or blaming yourself or shaming yourself when the truth of it really may have nothing to do with you. It may be that he had or he or she had access. It may be just for fun. It may be that they were socialized to never be faithful and have not been faithful their whole lives.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so sometimes we try to, it's an illusion of control. If I figure out what I did wrong and I do it different this time, I'll be safe. And so I invite you to release yourself from the lie that you could have made it be different. Yeah. The person who could have made it be different is the other person, right? That is so powerful.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
We desire. Yeah, we desire the control. And let me say the part of you that was immediately like, I don't want relationships again is actually a healthy part. It's good to be still after a breakup. Sometimes people jump right out there and they go pick a new person, different name, different face, same personality, same cycle. So it's an indication of healthiness to pause.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And then it's an indication that you've started healing when a part of you now desires relationship again, right? Because before you didn't want it. Now you're like, maybe it would be nice. So that's your heart starting to open back up again. And to not sabotage it. I know you talk about running, especially if you feel moved by them because it doesn't feel safe.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
But while part of our healing happens individually, like by ourselves, and part of it happens in therapy, a part of your heart's healing will only take place actually in healthy, loving relationship. Right. That's when you will really grasp some of the triggers to learn how to show up and not run. It's going to happen in that process.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so giving yourself the patience and permission to try again, to not let the ex rob you of the realities of love. Right.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And a part of our healing community is so important. And so that's one of the things I love about you and Gail sharing her journey. Yeah. of what a difference it made for you to show up as sister, as both truth teller, but also with that compassion. Because when we're in those moments, we need to be reminded who we are and reminded of our worth.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so what better people to do that than people who genuinely care about you? Absolutely. You need somebody there to tell you the truth. That's right.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So that you don't end up with the lie of, I'm worthy, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not interesting enough. All of the lies of not enoughness.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yes, yes. So it can disrupt your life of how you thought your life was going to be. You know, you imagined a future with this person and felt secure in that. And so a part of it is what you think about, not only in terms of the other person, but your picture of yourself. And so one of the things I like to shift for people is not thinking about the ending of all relationships as a failure.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Some people are like, oh, it failed. Sometimes leaving a relationship is a success. You won.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yes, yes. Absolutely. And sometimes we fall for potential. Yeah. Of like, if only this, if only that, if only these five things, you would be my dream person. And so we have to look at the truth of who this person is. And do I really want the truth of that?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah, thank you for the question. And the first thing I want to speak to is the younger version of you.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And that part of you who has been disappointed, the part of you that was not chosen, the part of you that was not embraced, the part of you that has never been sistered, the part of you that misses being mothered, the part of you that feels you have to be perfect and that people will abandon you or leave you or reject you if you are not perfect. And I want to say to you that that is a lie.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
that you are worthy of friendship, that you are worthy of sisterhood, and that real sisters do not require your perfection and they will meet you where you are. And so instead of hiding or being afraid to consider what it will mean to be known, to be seen, to be heard, to be validated, to be celebrated, to be appreciated. There are women in your city waiting to sister you. There are women.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
in your city, waiting to sister you authentically. And so what happens is our anxiety causes us to isolate and to hide and to block our blessing. And so you affirm to yourself, I will not block the love of a sister that is trying to find me. And I will not have to be perfect for them You know, with strangers, we have to do public relations. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm blessed.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
I'm better than blessed. But with my sisters, as you said, I can unfold and say, you know what? I'm tired. You know what? I'm confused. You know what? I'm fed up. And so that is what your soul desires. So I'm so glad by you questioning it. It means you're ready. It means you're ready to stop fighting it, ready to stop running from it. You're ready to receive it.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
This is so wonderful and something I have been looking forward to being able to share this work with the public because many of us are walking around with broken hearts. And I like to say my understanding of healing my heart is not just from doctoral studies or reading books, but having lived it so to know firsthand that it's possible to heal our hearts.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And I want you to know transparency is contagious. So if you meet people and stay very surface about brunch or about shopping, that's where it will stay. But as soon as you deepen it, there are people who will meet you there at the level of your depth. And then they'll say, me too, me too. So be open to it. But then as you're connecting with people, let them actually meet you, not a performance.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Wow. I love it. Thank you. You are so welcome. I'm excited about seeing you and your girlfriends.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
The first way I would say my heart was broken is something I know you can relate to, the realities of racism and sexism that cause us to not see our own beauty. And so to be broken hearted as a chocolate girl in Baltimore, to not be able to see the full glory of who I am. And so I had to heal my sense of myself because of all of the messages that bombard us very early to say that we're not enough.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah. Thank you for speaking this truth. And for many of us, achievement is easier than relationship. So even though you worked hard to get your doctorate, that was actually easier than showing up in that personal space. It's very by the book. I memorize the terms. I apply the terms. Yeah.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
It's a B. That's my worth. That means I'm good.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah. And I wonder what is the lie that you were told or that you believed about teen mothers?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
That invisibility and I'm going to say the relationship that led to the teen pregnancy. Let's just pause there. So that relationship and then people's response to you of not seeing you as a capable mother, just ruling you out, eliminating you because of your age, that you have been chasing enoughness since then. And that's been many, many years.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so now what has happened is healing and ease feel uncomfortable to you. That's why you think you're bored. That's what ease feels like. It's not boring. It's not boring.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah. Yeah. Because everything you've been running from all these years shows up in the stillness. shows up in the silence. So you stay busy, we stay distracted, and we think that's whole, right? We think we're healed, but you're just distracted and busy. And so now you get to be the nurse to yourself. Yeah.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And retrain your nervous system because your nervous system doesn't know how to be settled. And so as you learn to settle, then you'll be able to show up for yourself and for your loved ones. And you are capable and deserving of that. It's just different. So the same way you would be patient with a new nurse is how we have to be patient with ourselves because this thing is new, but it's doable.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And then moving further along, while I was in high school, my father was elected to be a bishop in the AME Church.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So getting to know yourself. Right. And that this is for the first time in your life that you get to actually discover you. And it's not too late. When I talk about returning back to ourselves or healing ourselves, sometimes it's healing myself for the first time. So you're actually not trying to go back to a former self. You've never been this woman that you are creating now.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to not have all the answers. I wanna just invite you to do a fill in the blank. So you're gonna say, I release blank so I can receive blank.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Correct? So true. Yes. And that's how often we're trained to like chase significance. Like if I do enough things, I can outlast the statistics. I can outlast people's assumptions. I can outlast my own fears. Like we're trying to outrun ourselves. Yes. And so having to actually slow down so I can be whole instead of chasing wholeness.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
It's depleting. I'll tell you that much. You are not actually grieving the relationship. You're grieving your idea of what you thought the relationship would be. That is so powerful. For too long, we are made to believe that we must say yes to everything. And I want to tell you the holiness of no. No is a sacred word.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so then your armor becomes like your resume. Right. She got the degree. She got the position. And so now you're saying, if I lay down my armor, like, how will I know I'm enough? Right. How will I know I'm worthy if you like strip these titles for me? You know, it's like the first time I moved when I first moved to Los Angeles, I moved here without a position.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And before that, I had been like, oh, Duke University, Harvard Medical Center. Princeton University. And so then I came here and it's like, so who are you without all of that? You're enough.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So at first when I came here, I was urgently, urgently on this job hunt. And I always say to people, if I knew then what I know now, I would have enjoyed the break. Because it was like, just slow down and enjoy it. You know, you're going to find it. So that was hard because it was the first time in my life where I didn't have an affiliation, an institution.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so then, OK, without that, just who are you? And so having to come to terms with that.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
You feel that way because there was not someone to fill in the gap and you filled in the gap, but you get to resign from being the mother sister. You resign, you turn in your resignation, and now you will be solely the sister. And when we change and when we heal, some people don't like it. When people have been depending on you, they will not appreciate the boundaries.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
They will not appreciate the no. But it is not for their benefit or for yours for you to continue to carry people who it's time that they learn the strength of their own legs and the strength of their own wings. Nothing you do will be enough for people who see you as their resource and don't see you as their sister.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Thank you so much. And you were just an itty bitty. I was a little bitty. That's why like seven, eight years old seeing you and we would see you on the news. Yes. And then see you at church, which is such a great example for us to know what's possible. Wow. That this reflection is more than attainable.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Right. What you all could actually be. So you get to redefine it. Now, I will do some predictions for you. When you step back, some people will step up. Some people who always said, well, she'll handle it. She'll pay for it. She'll do it. Some people will step up and then some things actually won't get done. And you let it fall to the ground.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Some people are so dependent on you that when you say, I'm not doing it anymore, some stuff will drop and that's okay. You got to let it drop. Yeah.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yes, absolutely. So one, you talked about blessed to be a blessing, which is beautiful. And I want to ask, are you a person of faith? I am. Okay. I want to say to you that God or your creator did not make you just to be an instrument for other people's relief. You are not just a vehicle for other people. And I know we like to talk about God use me up. God says, I'm not a user.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
I'm not here to use you just to bless others. It's actually to flow into you so you can get from your overflow. When you are nourished, then it won't drain you or empty you to share with those girls in the home that you share with. But for too long, we are made to believe that we must say yes to everything. And that's the Christian thing to do.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And I want to tell you and Oprah on today, the holiness of no. No is a sacred word. It is a sacred word. And so you are a temple. Did you see Porsche go?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
The holiness of no. Yes. The holiness of no. Because we're made to feel guilty for our no. We're made to feel guilty that like you have to say yes to everyone and everything to be sufficient, to be a good person. That's what you said yesterday. How much is enough? How much is enough? Why do I have to keep proving I'm a good person? And so now, you know, you get to say yes to yourself.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
You get to say yes to your relationships. You get to say yes to the young children, the girls you have taken in. But it starts with the nourishment of your own soul. So I want to invite you to start doing morning rituals. where you feed your spirit before you start the day so that you do not go through the day running on empty. Feed you first. This made some sense to you today?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
It is everything. Community is so important for us healing. And so that was a part of when we talk about like the broken heart. When I was a college student at Duke University, I came home to Baltimore for a visit and a member of our church sexually assaulted me. You talk about heartbreak. Yes. Heartbreak. It is that break of trust when you think you're safe in someone's presence. Absolutely.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
That's right. We have to be intentional so that we don't take relationships for granted or take people for granted. Sometimes we're like, oh, I know those are my folks, but we turn to them more when we're in crisis or in need or we neglect the relationship because we figure they'll always be there.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So we have to be intentional about engaging and creating moments and memories with each other that are joy filled. Have to do that on purpose and protect time for it.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yes. So for matters of the heart, I have to connect it to my first book, which is Homecoming, because living for me a well-nourished life is being at home with yourself, being rooted and grounded from the truth of you. And my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Shelley Harrell, describes it as soulfulness. that if I live from a soulful, authentic place, then I am fully alive.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And being fully alive and showing up means that I have love for myself, that I have love for other people, that I let that guide the ways in which I show up. And I also, there is fruit to my soulfulness, right? When I am living from an authentic place, there is impact in the world around me. And so where's your fruit, right?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
If I'm living rooted and grounded in the truth of who I am, and that fruit is not a fruit that drains me or depletes me, when I'm living my path, that actually renews me and restores me. And so that's the gift of it for me. And my fruitfulness and my soulful living won't look like somebody else's.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
It's like I meet some people and they say, oh, my goodness, you're a trauma survivor and a trauma psychologist. That must be so draining. And I say, no, this work leaves me in awe. Like I'm inspired to be able to walk with people through that like healing process. But for somebody else, it would be draining.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Some people who work in a corporate space, they get fed by it because they're called to it. Other people are like, I couldn't do that work. Right. When you talk about doing like all these interviews for some people that that sounds like, oh, my gosh, you have to talk to people all day. And you're like, that's. That's my life. Energizing, stimulating for me. Yes.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So live from a soulful, authentic, true place. And in a way that it is regenerative, right? That you are fed even as you pour.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Thank you so much. Oh, I'm so... Preach it today! I said I have to. Have to preach it. Yes.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Or we assume, you know, if you're in a faith community, everyone is going to be caring and loving. And so that was like a disruption. I'll say before that, I was a straight A student. And for the first time, like I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate. I had to go speak to a dean. And there was one black dean at Duke University who had the same last name, Dean Bryant.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And I just came to her in all of my despair and had to heal my heart. So that this has been a long journey up until this year, this past year, the passing of my mother. Right. Which is another heartbreak. But I love what you shared in a prior episode of They Never Leave Us. And I definitely feel her presence today, every day.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yes. Yes. We have so many layers and parts of ourselves that we discard or that we hide because we desire to be acceptable. Yes. So it's like, what part of me did I tuck away in order for other people to give validation or approval? And so gathering those broken pieces so I can be wholly me.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah. A big part of it is self-acceptance and recognizing you can feel more than one thing at the same time and you can be more than one thing at the same time. Sometimes we don't give ourselves grace because we have this idea of perfection that doesn't leave room for our humanity. So I can have compassion on myself. I say, if you look far enough back at your story
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Your dips and dives and falls make sense. Sometimes we don't look at ourselves in context. So we're like, why did I do that? Or I'm so stupid. Or what's wrong with me? But if you tell me the fullness of your story, where you landed made sense.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
What I say to that is your current way of living is unsustainable. And so we self-destruct. And even when we say, I don't have time to heal, even we'll say, I'm too busy to be depressed. Well, depression will catch you no matter how busy you are. And so what it becomes is it's necessary for us to train our eyes to see the ways that it's showing up. So it might not look like.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So, for example, with black women, sometimes our despair shows up as irritability. So then people say, you have a bad attitude. No, she's in despair. But if I am harsh, if I am hardworking, if I'm a workaholic, if I'm a perfectionist, if I'm busy all the time, other people will celebrate that. But I'm empty on the inside. Nice.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So it becomes not valuing myself because everybody else is saying good job. But when I lay myself down at night, then what do I say and what do I feel? And I choose to pour into myself so that it can actually be well.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So one of the things that we pour in is rest and stillness. And many of us don't know how to be still. And we will say to ourselves, I don't have time to be still. I don't have time. Right? I have to do a million things. And the reality is that if we don't stop ourselves, our bodies or minds will stop us. And that's what we see happen time and time again. Bodies meaning illness. Yes.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
So we get sick and we know, you know, one of the things that research shows is the way our autoimmune disorders and systems for women, when we suppress our anger, we suppress our feeling, we neglect ourselves and it shows up in the body. And so then now you have to be still. Now you have to be still.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And then it shows up in our minds and our mental health. So you mentioned prayer, and our spiritual practice is important, and it has to come from an authentic place. Sometimes we're doing public relations in our prayers, like these and thous, and we want it to sound holy. But in order for it to be effective, it has to be honest.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Right. And so for us to be true in our prayers and I'm going to say even for meditation and some people say, oh, I don't know if meditation is against my religion being still. Being still and silent is against your religion. So for us to tune into our breath and into our bodies, and then our food affects our mood. And so what do I nourish myself?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And I like to say, I'm eating this because I love myself. I'm eating this because I want to live, right? And so then feeding myself loving relationships, right?
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
haven't even asked themselves the question of what they actually need. And I want to also say for us to have compassion means when I get it wrong or when I fall off the track, I don't say, well, now it doesn't matter. Like everything is ruined. Right. It's I start again. I begin again.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Yeah. Thank you so much for your transparency and for sharing your heartbreak. The first thing I want to say to you is you are not actually grieving the relationship. You're grieving your idea of what you thought the relationship would be. Because in reality, he was not who you thought he was.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
And so the relationship is not actually one that was mutually nourishing, mutually respectful, mutually edifying. And so it makes sense.
The Oprah Podcast
You’re WORTHY of the Life You Want
Right? That it's not actually you miss them. It's you miss your idea of who you thought they were. Right? Yeah. And then, you know, when we talk about the aftermath, sometimes we create a story about why it happened because we want things to make sense.