Dr. Sarah Wakeman

We try to punish people into getting well instead of reinforcing kind of the healthy behavior, what we want to see more of, if that makes sense. Yeah.

We try to punish people into getting well instead of reinforcing kind of the healthy behavior, what we want to see more of, if that makes sense. Yeah.

Yeah, well, first, it is just so hard to be there as a family member or friend. So for anyone listening, I've been there. It's incredibly impossible. So have grace with yourself. I think that's a different decision you're talking about is at some point, you have to make a decision to protect yourself. So let's say you have someone...

Yeah, well, first, it is just so hard to be there as a family member or friend. So for anyone listening, I've been there. It's incredibly impossible. So have grace with yourself. I think that's a different decision you're talking about is at some point, you have to make a decision to protect yourself. So let's say you have someone...

in your home who's dealing with addiction who you know gets aggressive or stealing money or is you know causing trauma to the people living in the house at some point you may need to decide that for my well-being for the rest of the family's well-being i can't have this in my life right now that's very different than saying kicking them out is going to make them better

in your home who's dealing with addiction who you know gets aggressive or stealing money or is you know causing trauma to the people living in the house at some point you may need to decide that for my well-being for the rest of the family's well-being i can't have this in my life right now that's very different than saying kicking them out is going to make them better

So the distinction there is that it's okay to protect ourselves. Sometimes we have to do that. And sometimes there's only so much you can do. But to not sort of fool yourself into thinking that the action is to help the other person, and that's okay. I think the other piece is, you know, at the end of the day, first of all, it's easier to be a treater. So I've been a family member.

So the distinction there is that it's okay to protect ourselves. Sometimes we have to do that. And sometimes there's only so much you can do. But to not sort of fool yourself into thinking that the action is to help the other person, and that's okay. I think the other piece is, you know, at the end of the day, first of all, it's easier to be a treater. So I've been a family member.

I've been a clinician. As a clinician, I can truly be unconditional. So I'm going to be someone's doctor whether they continue to use heroin or continue to drink or don't. And there's something really beautiful in that. Like my engagement with someone is not premised on whether they make changes or not.

I've been a clinician. As a clinician, I can truly be unconditional. So I'm going to be someone's doctor whether they continue to use heroin or continue to drink or don't. And there's something really beautiful in that. Like my engagement with someone is not premised on whether they make changes or not.

As a family member, that's harder, especially if you're a kid dependent on someone or you're in a marriage or a relationship. So you may have to make different choices. But I think at the end of the day, people don't change because of why we think they should change. They change because they think their life is going to get better in some way.

As a family member, that's harder, especially if you're a kid dependent on someone or you're in a marriage or a relationship. So you may have to make different choices. But I think at the end of the day, people don't change because of why we think they should change. They change because they think their life is going to get better in some way.

So the key then becomes figuring out, like, why might this person's life get better if they were to make changes to their alcohol or drug use? So it's a shift where you become sort of on their team instead of trying to drag them towards water, you know, drag the horse towards water. And there's this fascinating kind of human instinct that none of us like being told what to do.

So the key then becomes figuring out, like, why might this person's life get better if they were to make changes to their alcohol or drug use? So it's a shift where you become sort of on their team instead of trying to drag them towards water, you know, drag the horse towards water. And there's this fascinating kind of human instinct that none of us like being told what to do.

So there's something called the writing reflex, which is it's really hard for caregivers. It's hard for parents because we love to tell people like our great advice and why what they're doing is wrong and they should take our like brilliant doctor advice. And this can be like telling someone like, don't you see what you're doing is causing harm? You should make changes. It can also be subtler.

So there's something called the writing reflex, which is it's really hard for caregivers. It's hard for parents because we love to tell people like our great advice and why what they're doing is wrong and they should take our like brilliant doctor advice. And this can be like telling someone like, don't you see what you're doing is causing harm? You should make changes. It can also be subtler.

It can be like lecturing someone or trying to educate them. But when someone shoves something down your throat, your instinct is to resist. It's just like natural human behavior, even if it's a great idea. If someone's like shoving an ice cream cone in your face and like, eat it. Even if you like ice cream, you might be like, wait, wait, I don't know if I want this ice cream.

It can be like lecturing someone or trying to educate them. But when someone shoves something down your throat, your instinct is to resist. It's just like natural human behavior, even if it's a great idea. If someone's like shoving an ice cream cone in your face and like, eat it. Even if you like ice cream, you might be like, wait, wait, I don't know if I want this ice cream.

And so the key then is not to sort of tell someone what to do. It's to understand why might they want to make changes. And so once you do that, then you all of a sudden realize, like, it just feels better. You're not trying to drag someone towards something.

And so the key then is not to sort of tell someone what to do. It's to understand why might they want to make changes. And so once you do that, then you all of a sudden realize, like, it just feels better. You're not trying to drag someone towards something.