Dr. John Gottman
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That's a bad way to express concern.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
You know, I'm not sure that's true because people love you.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, the problem is that the person who's contemptuous, that person's immune system also degrades over time. Right.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I was thinking of this couple where her husband got very upset and said to his wife, Joyce, do you think you're better than me? And she said, better than I. Oh, yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So that's information, but in the context, it comes off as contempt.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
I was thinking about. Can I finish? Sure.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
In fact, I was really moved by your story of how when you were at Harvard, and you went along with your friend to the Harvard Lampoon, you really found yourself. I did. You really found, you know, humor as a way of really expressing who you are.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
But sometimes it's like the shield that Julie was just talking about. Sometimes humor itself is like a shield. I mean, it's a wonderful gift, obviously, you know, and it's a great talent you have with humor. But sometimes it also blocks out the love.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
That's a friendship that is very palpable.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And put downs. It's that counterattack. I think one of the other things is that what makes this show so important to people all around the world is that they feel the love and they see the hostility and put downs. They see both at the same time.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And it's a very powerful thing because here you are having all this love for one another and yet pushing each other away and then coming back together and pushing each other away. So it's a very powerful dynamic.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
If I'm going to be honest, there's a lot about you that annoys me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Okay. So when you go on about Italy and wines and all the things you know, it makes me feel insulted. Like, you know, like my father was a microbiologist. My mother was a great lawyer. This is scary.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
And I, you know, I felt put down at the table all the time. at the dinner table. Really? And so when you expound, you know, my father's a learned man, you know, and how could I, you know, match him? So I kind of feel that way when you go on about wines or how things are pronounced in ancient Greece.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Maybe ask me if I want to hear what you have to say. There's a plan.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Like if you want to expound about something, ask me if I want to hear it. Okay. If I want to hear it, then, you know, great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
My father. My father. The great microbiologist.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Who throws a cyclotron? I really appreciate your saying that. That's really great.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, one of the things that... I think needs to happen in this relationship is for you guys to recognize how indispensable you've been to one another these almost 30 years. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
In lieu of that, have a copy of our book. Thank you very much.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Yeah. Yeah. So the first thing we want to offer are these two pulse oximeters for you to put on.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
So it's looking at your blood. It's measuring heart rate. and it's also measuring the percent of oxygen in your blood. And it's set an alarm, and the alarm is if your percent oxygen goes below 95% or your heart rate goes above 100 beats a minute, that's around when we start secreting our two stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline. Cortisol and adrenaline. He's still going.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, it beeps, but it gives an alarm.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling
Well, the problem arises when it becomes non-adaptive, which means that it's a chronic elevation. I see. If it's there all the time, then it kind of spirals down. I understand. And neither one of you then can really ask one another for what you really need. Right. And that's part of what we want to help you do.