Dave Landau
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Wait till you guys know what happened.
Wait till you guys know what happened.
Wait till you guys know what happened.
For a second, I thought that was him.
For a second, I thought that was him.
For a second, I thought that was him.
Oh, my God. Dave Landau. Sketch. Get over here, Sketch. Sit down, buddy. Dave Landau. Dave Landau. Sketch. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God. Dave Landau. Sketch. Get over here, Sketch. Sit down, buddy. Dave Landau. Dave Landau. Sketch. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my God. Dave Landau. Sketch. Get over here, Sketch. Sit down, buddy. Dave Landau. Dave Landau. Sketch. Oh, my goodness.
You got a real spot on Thursday. Look at that smile.
You got a real spot on Thursday. Look at that smile.
You got a real spot on Thursday. Look at that smile.
And here's the big joke, folks. Sign up again. Come back. We need people like you. Jerry Debo Smith. All right.
And here's the big joke, folks. Sign up again. Come back. We need people like you. Jerry Debo Smith. All right.
And here's the big joke, folks. Sign up again. Come back. We need people like you. Jerry Debo Smith. All right.
Yeah, isn't that what you guys want?
We were lucky because there was like 10 different clubs in Detroit where you could go like, OK, I'll go do Ridley's in the suburbs.
But then I can go do a super urban room, you know, in the city and I can get used to that audience.
Then I can go to Ann Arbor and I can be in a bunch of in front of liberals at the showcase or at the Heidelberg project.
And then I can go, you know, so you could go.
all over and you could experience every kind of audience you could ever be in front of at 10 different places in a week.
Oh, you can go to DaveLandau.com.
I have everything on there.
You can check out tour dates and everything.
And also, yeah, I guess I wrote up my book, Party of One, A Fuzzy Memoir.
It did really well on Amazon.
And yeah, it's a lot of people have enjoyed it.
And a lot of the stories will be much funnier to you than they were for me to live.
It's like, they don't want that at all.
That's insane because the other part is there's a part in China like some of the triangle trying to think of it's what's it called?
But the rest is Afghanistan.
And that's how you're getting every drug in the world into the U.S.
as far as like, you know, actually making opioids.
Because in the 90s, I worked in a pharmacy, which was a great place for a drug addict, especially when they weren't counting the pills.
You could do it by weight.
So you just say like, hey, I got to go take out the trash and you just like open up a bottle like Valium or Percocets and just, you know, fill your cellophane.
When you look at white boy Rick, white boy Rick was somebody who was caught selling crack.
And you had Coleman Young, the mayor, who was pretty corrupt.
And then you had the FBI who caught him and said, hey, here's some more crack.
Just go into the city and find out who the dealers are.
Then when white boy Rick got brought in by the city.
The FBI was like, we didn't do that.
We'd never put crack into a black community.
We've never seen this kid in our life.
So this kid, who's my cousin's friend, white boy Rick, ends up going to prison.
I don't know the exact time.
They try to name him as a kingpin.
And again, he's a white boy in Detroit who's 17.
He's not a kingpin of shit.
And he served the longest time because Coleman Young was pissed he was dating his niece.
So he goes away, and then while he's in jail, they have him sign a thing that said he stole a car so his sister didn't have to go to jail.
So finally they let him out for all this wrongdoing that he never did, this sentence that was batshit.
And then he has to go right from that jail to Chicago to serve time for stealing a car while he was in prison.
There's a documentary called White Boy.
Yeah, that's the one with McConaughey, which is a good movie.
McConaughey was in the movie?
Yeah, McConaughey plays his dad.
My uncle knew the actual guy.
He said he was kind of a dipshit.
He would sell guns very obviously out of his basement.
They live like two blocks over.
Oh, he's still alive, yeah.
He got out just a few years ago.
So he was in there from- How old is he now?
Well, he went in in the 80s, so- Oh my God.
And I think he got out around 2020.
So, yeah, if you if you see the documentary, White Boy, I highly recommend.
He a teenage drug informant for the FBI.
But then they denied ever talking to him.
That's the good thing about Detroit now is it's all insanely legal.
He's got his own weed line now.
I know a few guys who were heavy busted in the late 90s, and now they all have stores, and it's just hilarious to me.
You would think that they would shy away from that.
It's a prime example of like that was the American dream.
It really – well, it's odd that they could get the right, like the permit for it.
Or at least they know someone who got the permit for it and they work there.
That's who owns the store is a 95-year-old lady.
And they're like, we'll just we'll assemble them in Mexico.
But if you go to parts, too, it's like weed store, weed store, vape store, weed store.
You're like, I can't believe you pack this many into a block.
It's not like a liquor license that takes forever to get.
But we'll write Made in America on your door.
So you're going to feel good about it.
Do they even write Made in America on the door?
Well, I was just in Albuquerque last weekend.
And they had the same thing where I'm like, so it's weed store, massage parlor, vape store, buy here, rent here, car lot, buy here, pay here, weed store, weed store, weed store.
Like I prefer like the 80s and 90s where if you bought a car and it was made on a Friday, you knew a drunk guy did it.
It's crazy how legal it is in a state.
I think you're basically dead.
They only wanted to give it to the bad, bad AIDS people.
Well, the whole thing is ridiculous, and that's how you get organized crime.
I mean, look at Prohibition.
Detroit was one of the first places to have it when it was three years before they actually made it nationally outlawed.
And that gave birth to the Purple Gang, who Capone was even afraid of.
So you're like, give me one from a Wednesday.
And, I mean, those guys were fucking ruthless.
And they would just go over to Canada because it was right across the river, and they would just either take a boat or in the winter they would drive.
And, of course, they'd send some –
underling to drive to figure out how heavy the ice was so they knew if they put that many kegs in a thing, you'd die.
So there's just Model Ts at the bottom of the river.
A lot of the old mansions still have the tunnels that will lead out into the river that the bootleggers used to use.
It's really fascinating.
So Canada never went Prohibition, huh?
Like those were the days of American automaking.
No, and it was right there.
Like, you could throw a rock.
Like a civilized person.
Well, they have legal weed up there, too.
Yeah, this is one of them.
And this was a guy who's like, I got a whole bunch.
And then halfway- That's fucking badass.
They were- The Purple Gang was ruthless, man.
I never heard of that before.
They were the first- They were probably the first Jewish gang.
They had Irish members as well.
They were the Bernstein brothers.
Their parents owned a shoe store.
And like the legend is they were called purple because that was the color of rancid meat.
So they hated the name because they thought it sounded gay.
But they still like – they still ran with it.
But when you see pictures of them all lined up in like mug shots, like –
They would do stuff like walk up to somebody and be like, hey, I like your ring.
And they'd be like, thanks.
And then a guy would just like cut the dude's finger off and he would take his ring.
Like they were like the level of cruelty these guys would inflict on people to take over a city was next level.
Even Capone wouldn't mess with them because he was over in Chicago and needed some of these guys to supply the liquor.
They did a mob museum thing on it I went and saw in Vegas.
Like that book right there, The Organized Crime in Detroit, that's a great book.
And it's got a lot of fun photos.
But, yeah, they were as ruthless as you could absolutely get.
Yeah, none of them are happy.
Those are hard-looking dudes.
Yeah, they had a rough, rough life.
So a lot of them were just, like, stray kids that were Irish that were just abandoned by their parents.
And then the rest were these Jewish kids whose parents owned a shoe store.
And, I mean, eventually they dismantled.
But, you know, during Prohibition, they reigned.
It's a really cool story that I've always wanted to see in a movie, and nobody's been able to execute it, and I would love to see it.
I hope people do, because it's such a cool story.
The level of Detroit mob, too, that's been around is just wonderful.
I shouldn't say wonderful, but I love it.
just crazy yeah like they were nice to my dad and stuff when he was young and you know like when he had gotten back from NOM and you know they're just nice people that I knew well nice people that kill people yeah you know I kill bad people yeah
Let's crack a lock on him.
Xanax, Percocet, all these things that kids don't know they're taking.
You get those pressed Xanies that look just like a bar, and it's just complete fentanyl.
But no, later on, like you said, in the 80s and 90s, you're grandfathered in, and it really doesn't matter what you do wrong.
And I remember when fentanyl, I shouldn't say first came out.
But it first started becoming, they put it in products you weren't expecting.
And I had like three friends die within a matter of maybe four months.
And that's how I started noticing like, well, this is going to get serious.
And now there's a site I see.
It's called Every 11 Minutes.
And that's when or every 11 seconds.
And that's how long it takes for someone to OD on fentanyl in this country.
Did you shoot it or snort it?
I snorted it, and then I smoked black tar heroin, and one time I shot it.
The most calming, wonderful.
God, this sounds like I'm promoting it.
Also with my voice, like it's the most calming, wonderful sensation you've ever had.
You're going to love it, kids.
Like every problem you've ever had is gone and you feel nothing but euphoria, which is different than like Oxy and some other stuff, which kind of just makes you feel, to me, loose and tired.
I mean, this makes you tired.
But you're also getting a feeling that was really, really, like, warm and exciting.
Like, I only smoked crack once on accident, and that was... How do you do that on accident?
They put it in a joint, right?
So we're sitting at my friend's back porch, and he gives me first.
He's on the joint, and I hit it.
And it had, like, a weird sizzle, and I hit it.
I'm like, this is the best pot I've ever had in my life.
And he's like, yeah, they gave me free crack.
And I was like, oh, good.
So I'm now high on crack.
My other friends are pissed.
They go and throw the joint in the sewer.
And I'm just sitting there like and it doesn't last very long, but it felt really fucking good.
Like I immediately would have done more crack had there been the option.
But it definitely takes you over very quickly.
I did once, and then I'm done.
Did you want to go get it?
I wanted to go back to Weyburn, the street where we got it.
And I was like, we should go get more crack, guys.
I don't know if you didn't feel this, but it's...
Like, don't be fully hammered when you're trying to put a door on an F-150.
Oh, it was, my friend Jay had it and it was in high school.
He died of a heroin overdose in his parents' kitchen.
Yeah, I know, you wouldn't expect it.
He found his head between, like, the fridge and the stove.
I think he was either looking for something or collapsed right there.
Well, and like the electric ones, it just didn't work for them either.
They pushed it out too soon too.
And he's just basically slow Eddie and coming back and just knocking it all in.
But it's never been like a performance enhancing drug.
But to that guy- But for nerves.
Because I know people that work on the line, you have like the electric F-150.
And it's like F-150s, everybody wants one.
They love it as a work truck.
There's no problem to you anymore.
It takes away every worry you have.
So I ran into him years later.
But as an electric truck, you put the thing down in South America where it's hot all the time, it's just going to catch fire.
It sounds familiar, actually.
So it's like it's not really working out.
Or if you're in the cold, the battery sucks.
And I just don't like electric cars personally.
Maybe it's just because I'm from Detroit and I grew up and I just want to feel an engine.
I get it, but I have a Tesla that will knock your dick into the dirt.
Well, yeah, and that's a good way to get carjacked on top of if it's just cops.
I mean, that was very popular to do back then.
Cute little white boy who's on TV.
That's how they got cars.
Oh, was this during Fear Factor?
No, this was during News Radio.
They just think it was Andy Dick and let it go.
It was pretty easy to get around back then.
Which is great if you're on an NBC show.
I mean, good or bad, but you're getting the money and you don't have to deal with all the shit.
Well, it was a time where they were more lax on all those laws, too.
I mean, not lax, but lax with penalties, I should say.
Because it wasn't as public.
Because, I mean, even like Robert Downey Jr., who I do greatly admire, actually, because I'm in recovery as well.
But even with him, it's like you had to go into your neighbor's house and fall asleep in a kid's race car bed.
And people were like, you know, maybe you should do a little time behind bars.
And it's become Iron Man, so to watch that trajectory is absolutely astonishing.
I ate a Beyond Burger once.
You're getting the patty that basically shoots up a school.
It's all just filled with nonsense.
I was going to say, so it's heavier as opposed to lighter like a race car.
Well, yeah, because at the end of the day, you kind of have to know it's bullshit.
Well, no, we're not designed to do that.
And I'm not saying I have the healthiest diet, obviously, but it's like, yeah, I like steaks.
It's probably the only thing keeping you alive.
Probably the only thing I get, yeah.
I get a lot of migraines.
Oh, the amount of stuff that we looked at, like our entire breakfast as a kid was just cancer.
That's the only thing they advertised on TV.
Just have a big sugary bowl of cancer and some toast with diabetes to waiting for you Yeah, it's it was nuts to think the amount because I'm just the microwave generation like yeah Just throw that in the microwave.
We can just pour a bowl of this shit the last 45 years in the cupboard for us It was TV dinners.
And occasionally the worst brownie you've ever had.
It's not a good brownie.
Shinola is definitely one of the things that's great about Detroit.
They're like, what you need here is mostly wheat.
You have to make sure you get 18 servings a day of white bread.
That's in there for some reason.
Make sure you grab that a day.
There's never been a time where poor people are so fat.
No, like starving people are obese.
Like you can't get nutrition in your body, but you also have to sit down to get groceries in a cart.
Oh, you have it on there?
Disneyland is the place you find them all.
Yeah, and it's like, why?
I just don't see the enjoyment of a ride.
Well, I mean, not the ride you get for free to go from ride to ride, but the actual ride.
No, I love rides myself.
But if I weighed 400 pounds, I may not enjoy it or...
Yeah, that would take a lot of the love out of it.
It wouldn't fit in those seats.
Especially if you're with your kid and the bar comes down and that one has no protection.
And the kid's like looking at his mom all nervous.
Oh, and people would fall off all the time.
Because they think it would be funny to jump or whatever.
It was always, always bad.
Like we didn't have mountains in Michigan, but we did have big enough hills.
We did a lot of skiing when we were real young.
And then I went down a, it was like a double black diamond, I think they're called.
Yeah, I was like, I got this.
And my ski got stuck in a soft mogul and I just went down it on my face.
It looked like eight dudes beat the shit out of me.
Like I was just like all scarred and bleeding.
And then I just didn't ski much after that.
Well, yeah, they all have this, like, somebody knows a Sonny Bono who just, like, launched right into a tree of a mighty oak.
I just never enjoyed it that much.
And when I tried snowboarding, I'm like, I sucked at skateboarding and was a poser at that.
Why am I even attempting this?
Yeah, they say it, like, made in Detroit.
And he was better in like, it was like eight days.
Like, how did you do this?
Like, I tore my, was it meniscus, ACL, blew off half my kneecap.
And yeah, I was making fun of my friend.
And we were on a linoleum floor with keg beer.
So instead of going to the hospital when it was in a lot of pain, I'm like, I'll just wait till the morning.
And I had my friends carry me around this party.
Yeah, because I remember the first ones, they were like, you know, barreling over bikers.
And then the next morning, I'm like, yeah, this isn't moving at all.
So my friend Jimmy drove me to the hospital and, dude, it was like out of a, like, sitcom.
Like, doctors opened up a door into my leg.
He wheeled me into a drinking fountain on accident.
Like, I broke my leg more just trying to get into the hospital.
And then by the time I got in for them to do the surgery, they're like, what happened?
I couldn't be like, oh, I was drunk at my friend's house.
You know, I was like, oh, I slipped on ice.
I was walking to my car and they're like, this is a lot of damage for just slipping on ice because I just...
twisted it all night I should have known I mean my foot was like behind me oh god when I did it like my knee just is so I have rods in my right knee so I just try oh really you have rods to keep it together three yeah wow it was that bad yeah like you can hear it pop sometimes when I walk it's pretty nice does it hurt uh sometimes but not not as bad as you think it would if I'm like doing a treadmill for a long time or if I do something where we're just outside like cause I'll go hiking or whatever cause my wife likes it
So we'll do that, but that'll hurt after maybe a couple miles, but not like a severe pain.
Yeah, and you can weather messes with it in the sense, but nothing crazy.
Yes, which we didn't have for a long time.
I mean, it's been 25 years.
I'm sure there's been advancements in it, and I just don't bring it up.
I bet your bones are just grown around it now.
Oh, I'm sure it's destroyed.
They're probably like, why didn't you come in?
I'd be like, you didn't bring it up either.
That's what happened to my son, and it sucked because he was like six.
And him and his friend were hanging out at his friend's house, and they had like a slide that was eight feet in the air, and they both decided to jump off of it.
And he landed funny, and he's a little kid.
So I was at my friend's mom's funeral.
I, like, rushed back to get him.
It's the worst thing in the world when it's your kid.
But, yeah, we made sure, like, he got the screws out.
He got the right, like, everything went fine.
When you're six, you heal so quick.
Dude, it was honestly, like, they cut the cast off, like, two weeks before they were supposed to because he's like, I can go like this.
I'm like, that's amazing.
Cause I remember I would like go to bars still and I was still underage, but I was still going to bars with like a cast on.
Like a full blown knee brace.
And I, you know, I'm wearing like track suits and like I had chains and earrings.
So I just, I'm like just like a raver stoner and I'm just walking around with my crutches.
Properly, about six months.
Now, every now and then I do walk with a limp because it just kind of goes out.
No, it's one of those guys you've known for so long, he didn't care then.
And I was saying stuff to him that kind of I deserved.
So, like, I mean, he he felt really bad.
But no, it's not anything.
The girl who owned the house went nuts and she was so hot.
And I always had a crush on her.
And she's like, your family's going to sue me.
I'm like, my family's not going to sue any.
But we're not going to sue you.
And I think my dad had passed at that point, and she's so freaking out because she would have these wild Christmas parties every year where it happened.
And that ended the wild Christmas parties.
And she's like, yeah, you never sued.
I'm like, yeah, why would I sue?
And then I just went out and said, yeah, I fell on ice.
He made it look – yeah, and he put a Woody Woodpecker to the side of it.
Isn't that a gross thing that people would just sue?
If they did something stupid in your house, they would sue you.
Like I can understand points where people have.
It's just such a scammer mentality.
It's a shit thing to do to anybody.
It's like somebody who like slips delivering a package or any of that stuff that's possible.
Like he just pulled – he just drew the tunnel.
Especially the fact that that's just what they do.
I remember when we were young, there were two pit bulls that were at this house behind a camp we were at.
And this one kid was always throwing rocks at them.
And we were like, you shouldn't do that, because we liked the dogs, and the camp had its own golden retriever, and it was fine with the pit, but they'd run on the fences and stuff.
So that's when I first even started getting used to dogs when I was young, because I've always liked dogs, and I have too, and I've had tons.
I remember that the pit bull, once the kid stuck his finger through the fence, took off these two tops of his finger.
And they sued, they put the dog down, and we were like, he's been chucking rocks at those things all summer.
But he did draw the tunnel.
He's been antagonizing these animals all summer.
And I mean, it sucks that it happens, but it's like sucks.
Yeah, it sucks that he was told not to do it a bunch of times.
And then there was a consequence to this shitty action.
Also, how did you raise a kid that's throwing rocks at dogs?
Like what's what kind of a kid would throw rocks at a dog?
It's like the first thing you find that has unconditional love for you.
It's the first thing that you trust in a different way than a human.
I don't remember him well.
I remember the blood and the screaming, but I don't remember much about him other than that.
And the weird handshakes afterwards.
Yeah, I knew his penmanship wasn't very good after.
He would draw a tunnel at the side of a cliff.
Yeah, but he deserved it.
My brother's had ones where, yeah, he's rescued a couple.
And I've had friends who have saved them in Detroit from fights because they would throw them in a back alley, the losers.
And sometimes my friends would take them and get them sewn up and keep them.
Yeah, and that's all he did.
But those dogs specifically would kind of only be left alone for the owner.
Like my friend would keep it just for him, like locked up.
Just tricked it like it was a coyote.
At least it seems like they don't because they attack kids.
Well, and children don't know dogs are animals sometimes.
And that's kind of how I treat with my kids.
Like you have to understand that, you know, like when you're roughhousing or whatever, like there's a, yeah, I'd be real careful because she may not necessarily know what you're doing.
You know, and he learned that at a young age and dogs love them.
Which, with all the AI, it was kind of nice to see.
But a lot of times kids can be really, really rough with dogs.
And goldens are the best.
They're just designed to be the sweetest animals on the planet.
I was like, that's a little relieving.
Yeah, they just want to be with you.
And, you know, I had a Rottweiler, and people are afraid of those, but she was the sweetest dog.
Get the fuck out of here.
So it's got a bunch of pent up anger and energy.
See how it works when he comes out into the real world.
Bring him to a dog park.
Did you see that video of the dog parks?
There's one video where a guy, his dog is attacking one dog and some dude runs up out of nowhere and just shoves his finger in one dog's ass.
Yeah, it did, but it was still the most ridiculous thing.
This guy just runs in like he thinks he's Superman.
He's like, I've got it, and just starts fingering the ass.
Well, I got a Border Collie at the same time as a Rottweiler, and they were both pretty, you know, they both enjoyed fighting each other.
They got to remember who fucked with the Waymos, you know?
And you'd always just watch for the tail waggling because they'd be flipping each other over.
Like when we first got the Rott, we went to a dog park because they were like newer to us in Michigan.
And this one dog just kept coming up that was bigger than my Rott but kept kind of like messing with her.
And then finally my rot grabbed her by the neck and flip this dog over and was just like pinning it with her mouth.
And then the dog gave up and was shown its belly.
Like, are we going to leave the dog park now?
You know, people were like freaking out and screaming.
I was watching a movie last night.
But the dog kept like coming up and like nipping my my dog until my dog finally just like attacked back real quick.
I can't remember the name of it.
And it was just all about, like, sex bots.
Were they just all backing in the corner?
And they're, like, hunting them and going at each other.
And it's, like, just a... It's a movie?
Oh, dude, every one of them just acts right.
I once saw this dog kill one of us with a pencil.
It's got to be... The white one.
The one that's dominant.
Oh, the black one was cowering.
The dog looks like Benji.
I know, that's what's crazy.
Yeah, it's probably just they knew it had a hard life.
And, like, they set up a sex bot to kill one of their friends so they can rob them.
And it turns out she's a sex bot and this other guy's a sex bot, and I'm watching it, and I'm like, this is the problem.
Yeah, that thing they just knew had it tough.
Because it just came in and didn't give a fuck.
I think you were talking about it.
But it's about a guy who trains wolves.
Yeah, but I think it was like the movie The Grey, you know, like taken with wolves or whatever.
And he said during it that he has to fall down as the stuntman or whatever.
So the second he gets home...
one of the wolves is going to try to take his spot on top.
So you got to like grab the wolf and hold it up in the air.
And like, that's like the main thing to do to get it to stop.
But like every night he just has to prepare himself for fighting a wolf when he gets home.
Like, you can't really give these things personalities if you have a sex bot, I think.
But I mean, they all just, they're, they're pack animals.
Yeah, you have a good day of filming and there's just this wolf looking at you, the whole car ride home, seeing if he's going to take your shit once you get home.
But they grab small dogs.
Before COVID, in Detroit and the suburbs, we never had coyotes, it seemed, any of that stuff.
And then after, you see them all the time.
Like I would walk out and there'd just be like a deer in my front lawn.
I'm like, this is bizarre in this part.
And then, yeah, now you have ones that like hop fences and grab small dogs and jump away.
Because when I first saw them, they'd be crossing the street at night.
I'd be coming back from a gig, and I'm like, is that a dog?
And then it's clearly just a coyote.
And I'd never seen them up close like that ever.
They're in Central Park.
I used to walk by there all the time.
Dude, he takes down grizzlies.
Do they attack animals, then?
Not that it's funny, but I mean, you just don't expect it.
You're like, oh, she was torn to death by pigs, wild ones, in her suburb.
It's already encouraging, like, you have a good idea.
Make sure... Yeah, that's...
In case it comes at you.
So it's kind of, because bears are like that, aren't they?
Like if you shoot one in the heart, it'll go 100 yards.
I mean, it wasn't hunting us.
We were just up in, what do you call them, the Smokies?
And it was just a vacation, and it says don't throw food off the balcony.
So, of course, the first thing my son does is throw a hamburger.
And then all we can hear is the woods start moving.
And we look down, and I'm like, there's a bear.
And I didn't know they climb.
So the thing starts climbing up the side of the house.
And eventually we just kind of made enough noise or something that it went back into the woods.
Well, yeah, it was called the Paris of the Midwest.
But I'm like looking around like, we have a gun, right?
And I was like, I think we have one.
I'm like, oh, that's good because there's a bear climbing up the fucking house, dude.
That's what I was, yeah.
And the first thing he did was just chuck a hamburger out to feed the animals.
And I'm like, buddy, I told you.
He's like four or five at the time.
And then like a couple minutes later, bear.
I did not know that at all.
And then you have those actual mountains.
I was really hoping that story ended with he got eaten by bears, because that would be just the perfect irony.
Well, he probably had an encounter.
That's trans without the sugar.
Like, stay at home and kill yourself.
Like, don't go into schools.
I've seen them come down the street in the same place.
What size are these guys, man?
They're pulling each other's hair off.
Well, dude, and that's just because of their claws on accident.
The size of these fuckers.
Imagine that goes across your face or skin.
And it's a city that's still built for 7 million people with supposedly 700,000 living in it.
Dude, that guy's so nervous about his Volvo.
Dude in the car just was like, all right, we've got to wait for it to fall into the shrubs, and then I'm going to gun it.
Dude, if Ted Nugent told you that, I think he's right.
The guy knows a thing or two.
Yeah, like in Michigan, you've seen them.
Like they come down because, you know, we're up by the Upper Peninsula and they'll come, you know, Canada and all that stuff.
You do see them on occasion, but I guess they are becoming more and more, like they're moving more and more south towards the cities now.
Yeah, which I think we should.
I mean, it's why you control the deer population.
And it's like you realize that, like, let's just say the deers alone.
If you don't control it, you're going to just have people smashing into them with their cars all day.
And if you've ever been in front of like one with horns, like I was in the Rockies.
And there's like, I don't know.
It wasn't, maybe it was a deer, but like an elk or something.
And he gets out like, he's like, I'm going to stand by and take a picture.
I'm like, I don't think you should do that.
And even then I'm like, terrible idea.
And the thing just lowers its horns at him.
And I'm like, dude, get back to the car.
And we're like in a Jeep gunning it away from this thing chasing us.
Dude, it just took him out the way a cop's would.
And then it's got horns just getting ready to take you out.
Dude, you have a tree growing out of your head.
Dude, if I get an arrow, you really got to not miss.
And you have to go for a softball-sized spot on that thing.
Oh, that's, you have a moose fucking you in the ass?
It's tearing right out you don't dude and with those eyes and you also you better have a fucking powerful bow You got to get into that rib cage those ribs are thick as shit So that spot is underneath that like beard and all that stuff that he's got right there It's right all but if you hit an animal there they die so quick really see Google
But this animal seems kind of like... That's crazy.
Yeah, it doesn't seem as aggressive, though, as that moose.
Looking for love or a fight.
Because the moose looks like he just wants to kill the guy in the video.
I would be terrified if I had to try to make that shot at a moose coming at me that size.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
I just didn't know if it was maybe arrow length or the reason it sticks in or something.
Yeah, that's cool, though.
Yeah, which is, that's game.
I mean, that's an exciting thing.
Unless you're the grizzly man guy who just does one of my favorite movies ever.
Oh, I think he did, too.
He says the ending is not the real footage.
That's what I heard, yeah.
Which is apparent to that guy who was going around elementary schools telling people how bears aren't dangerous.
And then they're like, it's hibernation season, you should go.
And he's like, no, but I got peanut and sprinkles and cocoa and they all love me.
He had all these little names for them.
I mean, you can't just hang out there with, it was, that whole movie is just, they said, like, I love when they're like, we think, they think the bear, like, the bears just thought he was basically retarded meat.
I mean, so you do see a lot of, like, how is there, like, a million-dollar condo in the same place that has, like, eight abandoned other apartments?
It's got to be because he's slapping a bear on the nose and he's like, no Skittles, and then just turning around and doing the interview.
And you're just waiting for him to die, basically.
I'm just going to put my tent here.
This is going to be what you'll consider a plate, and I'm just going to hang out.
I'm surprised that, yeah, one, he had one, and two, she was like... She's probably surprised too.
Is this guy going to fuck me?
Is this... Yeah, like, I'm sure he didn't fuck her.
He didn't seem like that kind of guy.
He definitely had her killed.
No, he was just an idiot who would go into the forest.
They would come hang out with him.
He could scratch their head.
Well, a lot of the people who find baby foxes and then just kind of raise them because the parents left them, that's amazing.
This episode is brought to you by Tecova's.
So this guy brings this fox with him everywhere.
Look at that cute little fox.
But he hides under stuff.
The raccoon ones are kind of funny, too, when it just learns how to open the fridge and take all the food.
He's walking the fox on a leash.
Yeah, he's just taking the fox out.
He's like, this is where I belong.
He's just trying to run from the guy, but he's on a leash.
Look at the huge ears and stuff.
They're really cool animals.
Yeah, I think if it's, I guess, I don't know, but if it's abandoned young enough to where it's attached to you, there's something there.
People have raised them.
Well, there's a place called Oswald Bear Ranch.
Well, the cat doesn't want to play with its owner, let alone whatever that thing is.
Yeah, it was actually a male cat.
It does not identify that way anymore.
That cat's a school shooter.
It's going to go to the pound, shoot it up.
Just going to take out everybody at the pet store.
Just one after the other.
It is amazing how we do just kind of have these like wolves in our house, but we made them cuter by design over centuries.
This is my wolf poodle, which is essentially what it is.
I have a King Charles Spaniel poodle.
And his name is Higgins.
He wears bow ties, you know, like a wolf would.
Because whenever you get his haircut, they put him in a bow tie.
And I'm just like, it's so cute, but it's also the gayest.
But, yeah, his name is Higgins, and he's the best dog.
But he's small, and I've always had big dogs, and I kind of just like the fact that he's kind of small and just really wants to sit there.
He'll go for a walk, but he's not dying to.
It has, I mean, he's funny.
Like, he'll grab his toy.
He's got this lamb, and he'll just, like, jump in the window at giant dogs and just start shaking it and, like, try to intimidate them.
And I'm like, you're in a fucking little bow tie.
They're, like, best friends.
Yeah, he's very playful.
Yeah, because we have, I'm just going to announce all the more dogs that I have and feel worse as this goes.
It's like a little, we don't have the long haircut on it, but you know those long hair, like almost show dogs?
And it's, yeah, just a Havanese.
But we have, see the like top right corner?
So that's the other dog.
Yeah, not the smartest dog you'll ever meet.
And that's one of the things I love about her.
Well, they don't have to be smart.
Yeah, they are the most privileged of the dog community.
Yeah, there's no doubt about it.
That's all the they-thems.
Well, we're the ones cutting off their balls and spaying them.
Yeah, they're all a little angry at us.
My dogs have their balls.
And I mean, the next dogs I have, I probably won't, you know, but it's just something that you're used to for so long.
And like with Bob Barker, I get control of the pet population.
So there's not dogs running all over the streets that have to be euthanized all the time.
If it's your own dog, though.
Well, it's the same, it's literally the same thing.
I mean, when you, like, years ago they were doing articles, not to bring it back to my hometown, but, like, in Detroit where you would see dog gangs roving together.
They'd take over a house, and, like, you know, they, I remember one house was, like,
filled with pit bulls and stuff, but it was a black lab that was like the king's shed at this house.
Probably the smartest one.
I think it must have been that, because when Rolling Stone, I think it was, showed up, and they were like, holy shit, it's a black lab that's in charge of all these pit bulls, and that was like their king.
But probably they're good hunters.
Because Labradors are hunting dogs.
Because you would see just packs of dogs going down the street when it was at its most empty.
When you go downtown, it makes no sense logistically.
Because there's probably a minute where she's like, oh, dogs.
No, most people do get scared.
Especially if you're on like a mountain.
Never go up to a dog the way that people tell you that you should.
It's like, just stand there.
Hopefully you have a gun.
I just shot your doodle.
But yeah, there's those ones you can't.
But yeah, when you just stand there and kind of let the dog smell you, that's what they do.
They just want to get to know who you are.
So let them and just kind of, yeah, keep an eye.
What you shouldn't do is run and start screaming.
And bears fighting in your cul-de-sac.
Why did they reintroduce animals that went extinct in an area for a reason?
Are they trying to bring them back to California?
I want to say it was like near Dollywood.
Didn't they do that too where like wolves had finally gone away in that area in the mountains?
It's near – it's in Tennessee.
There's wolves in Tennessee?
I think they tried to reintroduce them.
Yeah, like I took a tour through the forest.
It wasn't my thing, believe it or not.
We went as like a family trip.
And, you know, it's it's terrible.
And somebody recognized me.
It's like a fake Dolly Parton show.
So but we went through the forest and they were saying that they were reintroducing animals into that area.
I guess they had just taken down a Krispy Kreme because bears just destroyed it?
And I'm on SSRIs that I'm trying to get off of right now because I've been on for 10 years, Olaf.
Yeah, like that picture of the bear walking, we saw that a lot just walking down like while we were there.
Yeah, they'd be like tumbling like cubs and stuff down the road.
Yeah, I would not want to go.
Anytime I've seen one, they just don't look friendly and I don't.
Well, yeah, it was a way to scare the kids into being aware of what was going on.
So I hadn't liked it for a long time.
And even dealing with, like, mental health care, I'm like, I don't think I need this.
Well, yeah, it's immense.
Yeah, polar bears, and they're nasty.
And they're like, well, it's better you stay on them.
Because they don't have to survive in the same elements.
I'm like, this is odd because it's having the opposite thoughts, you know?
Yeah, when you get towards Canada, too, a lot of those places where it's just cold, you get those massive animals.
And so I... It's having the opposite thoughts?
Wolves, the red wolf being brought back to Kentucky.
It's just odd to me to think that when you even hear the word wolf, we're just going to reintroduce it to this tourist area.
Like, really, like, I gained weight.
Oh, so they got to pay for the... Yes, they have to pay for it.
I was doing, like, really bad mentally for a while because of certain things, and...
Well, it's like when they put in an insect to kill an insect that's getting out of control.
It was, I took myself off of them for five days and I felt good.
Yeah, so like in Michigan it was like ladybugs, but all of a sudden now there were ladybugs everywhere and this kind could bite you.
So they were some kind of beetle that was this massive problem all of a sudden.
And it was to help control the fish fly problem or mayflies.
People might know them as.
And there is because you drive down next to the water, dude.
And it just sounds like Rice Krispies as you drive because you're just hitting so many of these things.
But it didn't help that problem.
It just created a horrible beetle problem.
And then there was something else going on in the lake.
So they introduced zebra mussels.
Dude, they destroyed boats.
And then I got really queasy and really nauseous.
They cut up people's feet that were swimming.
Yeah, it backfired completely.
And it's like, so you're just introducing this poison into the air and into the water that you think is going to benefit this.
Like my brain started kind of misfiring.
And that's happened, yeah, with Michigan.
We do have a lot of fishermen, bass fishermen that go out there.
And you can go into pretty small pond areas and lakes because of the Great Lakes and still catch some stuff.
So now I'm weaning it off a little more correctly as opposed to just going cold turkey.
But once you start messing with the habitat, it goes bad for a long time.
Well, and they think birds are a nice present for you.
That's the first thing they're going to go after is just kill them.
I don't know if it was like rich areas.
I've never had a feral cat, but I've definitely had ones that would stop by the house.
I was having trouble seeing.
As she got older, she had this old mansion.
And I don't know how she got it, but it was one of those things where like when you're Catholic, you just have 87 kids.
So the house was big, but now it looks huge to people.
Towards the end, she had a few cats and just she would have like those Tom and Jerry mouse holes in the house.
Yeah, they said to wean it off or whatever your thing is, take that and then bust a pill in half, take that for seven days, bust a pill in half, take that for seven days, and that's what I'm doing now.
Like where you would see them coming out of.
And dude, she would keep like, she'd keep the spiders because she thought it was part of the ecosystem.
So you're looking up like I'd have to sleep there and I'm just like staring at a brown recluse like shaking at the age of like eight.
My brother got bitten by one and his leg turned into a softball and he had to go.
Yeah, she was nuts, dude.
Where it eats away the tissue.
Dude, and it went like that.
Like he got bit and by the time he got to the hospital, it just kept getting big.
It went from like a golf ball to a softball to like, and they had to hit him with all this like anti-venom.
Yeah, that's what it is.
It starts chewing away at your skin.
Yeah, my brother's like a scar from it, dude.
Brown recluses are dangerous, man.
She had like a casino in her basement that she ran.
It really was when we were kids, too.
We're dealing with Blackjack and playing slots.
She had a casino in her basement.
And then she was a recovering Elkie.
She had beads everywhere.
I didn't know what that was then.
Yeah, and so then later on, well, it was stuff from Mardi Gras.
She had all this stuff from Mardi Gras.
So later in my life, I'm like, oh, my grandma was a whore.
But I didn't realize it until later.
This is a cat lady whore with a fucking casino in her basement.
And I already feel better being on less.
A cat lady casino whore who thinks spiders are part of an ecosystem.
I mean, she's not wrong.
They would eat the mosquitoes.
But you'd also have like, you're like, I think it's a black widow in your garage.
And it's like, yeah, so don't go near it.
And I'm like, you want to protect your spider?
Like she was just nuts, dude.
But yeah, she was in recovery, but then she also had an entire bar where you could just make drinks.
So we're like six and like looking through like how to make some pudding and martini.
But I was told for the last 10 years that that's what I should be on, and I think it's had a very negative effect to me.
So she kept the drinks even though she was clean?
Yeah, she was clean, yeah.
I've done that too myself, though, because if people come over, I'm like, yeah, whatever you want, man.
Yeah, I stopped drinking, and I have a full bar at my house.
Yeah, I have probably 10 bottles, and it's if somebody wants one.
Yeah, like my – You sit there and drink and I'll judge you.
Well, after my like last DUI was when I got – it was like 16 years ago and I had just built a bar in my basement.
And it's really nice and I still really like it.
But like it was probably days later I got the DUI.
So I just like sit there and I'll just look at this bar and like it could have been –
Was that when you stopped drinking?
Yeah, it was my 13th arrest.
The day I got my driver's license.
My dad had gotten a Buick Regal.
And it was around November because I was born in June, but they wouldn't let me get my driver's license because my grades were so bad.
And we were having a family reunion.
So we had everybody at the house.
My dad, we thought, was doing a little better.
And we all went out to eat.
And I'm like, hey, can I borrow the car?
So we get home, and my aunt had blocked the driveway thinking that I would probably end up taking the car and, like, her son out, who was from Arizona.
And the one side of my house was the house, and then the other side was my neighbor's lawn with a small pine tree and, like, rose bushes and stuff.
You just drove through that?
Yeah, I figured if I gingerly did it, it would be all right.
Dude, I fucked up her lawn.
I'd go and pick up my friends.
We'd go down eight miles to this place called Piccadilly where we'd have this guy named Spider by.
And he was fucking great.
He was this homeless dude who just was like, he'd always go, I'm Spider with a wah.
And then he was a total pervert.
He'd be like, he would seriously offer to like, he'd be like, I'll jack you off too.
And we're like, we just want the beer.
But we do appreciate it.
So he'd always be like, somebody's got to come in with me to pick it.
And we'd be fighting if we had to get out of the car to go walk with this guy.
So we just bring the beer and we're driving around.
We start giving lawn jobs.
First we did leaf pile fires because everybody would rake their leaves into the street.
so we started doing those you know fun good old-fashioned arson but usually it would stop pretty quickly somebody would run out with like a garden hose and you know it totally was innocent until the one time it wasn't but we were driving around uh we went to some parties smoking weed all that shit and uh finally i get up on this one guy's lawn after part he's got a beamer 5 series and i got my regal my dad's which it had a v6 turbo charge which for a
But I got on this dude's lawn.
I see him sitting in his Beamer.
And for some reason in my head, I'm just like, this guy is just going to sit here and take it.
So I just start giving him a lawn job.
You can hear grass hitting his car.
We get in a high-speed chase with this dude.
Dude, I mean, like French Connection style.
I swear, I hit this bump, man.
Four tires went off the ground because we just felt like the car popped to the ground.
And we're just going all over the city.
My friends are like, let's just pull over and beat the shit out of him.
And I'm like, he could have a gun, you know?
So I finally go down this street that has a bifurcation where it just splits immediately.
You have to go this way, this way, and I didn't see it.
So I start braking because I'm going at an oak tree.
So I'm braking it, and dude, the next thing I know, the engine drops through the front of the car.
All the airbags come out.
I get cracked with an airbag, and I'm not quite unconscious.
I'm conscious just enough to see the BMW in my rear view drive away.
And then as I'm being knocked out, I hear all my friends and my own cousin leave.
We were having a family reunion.
I didn't realize that there was a bunch of cases of beer and liquor already in the trunk and chips and stuff.
So when I hit the tree, that popped open.
And it looked like I drove a Super Bowl party into the fucking tree.
There was just like beer and pop and chips and shit going down the street.
And finally, dude, I wake up from being unconscious and I get out of the car and there's a cop and my dad there.
Dude, I got knocked out so hard by that airbag.
All I could smell was that burning talcum powder kind of smell, like that awful, I want to say eggy almost.
It was just the worst smell.
But everybody else was able to run.
So it looked like I just did it.
So I get out, and I remember I look at my dad.
And my dad was not violent.
He was a noun, but he was never violent.
But I just look at him, and I go, Dad, I'm okay.
And he punched me in the face so hard that I hit the ground and was knocked out for the second time that evening.
Dude, he cracked me hard.
And nausea was the one that really messed me up because I was just like, why do I feel sick?
Dude, no, he was pissed.
Yeah, but then I wake up, and the cops got a light on me.
And I swear to God, the cop goes, he's waking up if you want to hit him again.
It's the first thing I hear.
And I'm like, you guys, I'm really in a lot of pain here.
And my dad apologized, but he's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I had already been getting into dope and stuff, and he was getting pretty pissed with me.
Do DUI, and I got six months suspended license.
I went in front of a referee is what they called it for juveniles at Colman A. Young Municipal, and they gave me six months suspended license.
But I didn't feel like the flu.
Did you have to talk your way out of it?
Oh, out of being arrested?
No, my dad, I remember I was going to school one day and he goes, I just got the bill for the car.
I was like, yeah, he goes, it's $13,980 here.
And I go, I don't have that money.
He goes, just show people so they know how proud I am of you.
I was like, thanks, dad.
But he let it, I mean, he let it go after that because we had alcoholism in our family.
Oh, dude, we did so much shit we shouldn't have done back then.
And I just realized, I'm like, okay, well, what did I take out?
Dude, we all just kind of wanted to be thugs.
Yeah, you want to be – like you're in the suburbs sort of.
Like my house was in the suburbs, but you're literally three minutes from the most violent part of America at the time.
So you're on the border of the east side of Detroit.
So it's not like you can't hear gunshots.
It's like you're – every drug and every party –
You're going down to raves and warehouses that are owned by, like, the Russian mob.
Because I've gone off of a lot of harder drugs and alcohol and stuff.
Oh, yeah, 17, 18, 16, all those years, dude.
99, 2000, huge rave culture.
And then when the new mayor came in, Kwame Kilpatrick, who ended up getting arrested and put in jail and then Trump pardoned.
He started the Detroit Electronic Music Festival, so he capitalized on that.
Do you remember when Ford put out the Detroit Electronic Music Festival Focus?
So I know what it's like to feel withdrawals, and it was a withdrawal.
Dude, it was basically a car designed for people on ecstasy.
The whole thing was speakers.
Yeah, if you can find it.
It was the Detroit Electronic Music Festival Focus.
So it just had a crazy sound system in it?
Yeah, because the car is a piece of shit, so the whole thing is just speakers.
And the way they would do the ads, it was almost like, are you on E?
It's got huge cup holders for your water.
They were capitalized on it.
And Hollywood did a little, because that's like when the movie Go came out, and a lot of these movies that were almost, it's with, Go is the one where they're all trying to get ecstasy in it, and it's just like Katie Holmes and all these other people who are like, some are different stars, and some are, and they all kind of mix together in this one night, and they're all just going to different raves and parties, and the whole thing is about E.,
I'm trying to think of his name.
You'd know him from the store.
He's not really an actor.
He used to work with Schimmel.
Blonde hair, older dude.
He plays a bouncer in it, yeah.
I did Last Comic with him, and he was super cool.
Yeah, he's a good dude, and he played a bouncer in it.
I wonder how much they've scrubbed it, but if it's like a Detroit music festival.
For the electronic music festival.
Yeah, they've changed it up a bit with the Ventura, but yeah.
I went to their – my mom had died, killed herself.
It was great, because you'd be walking to this music festival and, yeah, see the JBL speakers that would never be used in a Ford Focus.
And it was just this terrible little hatchback car that a young person could afford with a killer sound system in case you wanted to listen to Bad Boy Bill or Fat Boy Slim.
So I decided to go see a doctor, and they were like, look, take this.
Number two, let me think.
Minor in Possession of Alcohol.
And then that one was, like a lot of them were MIPs.
And then I got arrested.
Most of it was as a minor.
And then by the time I got my one as an adult...
It like it had spanned enough to where in 2009, when I got arrested my last time and I decided to get sober, they couldn't technically put me in prison.
And I didn't want to go because I don't want to spend my days getting titty fucked by the Aryan Brotherhood.
But yeah, that one was the one that I took real seriously.
I think my mom was on this.
So what they did was they put an alcohol tether on my leg that would monitor if I was drinking and a breathalyzer in my car.
So I would, like, I'd have to blow start my car everywhere I went.
I don't know if this is the best answer, but I took it and it was.
And now they take pictures of you and stuff.
But that one, it would go off as you drive.
So you're, like, driving.
And, like, I remember one time a truck was jackknifing.
And then it's like, brr, brr.
So I'm trying to like dodge this truck from hitting me in the Grand Rapids snow while blowing my car so it doesn't stop.
And I'm going around the country.
I didn't know they did it while you were driving.
That's so they prove you're not drinking.
So like every 15 minutes it goes off at random, but you can't time it.
Yeah, that's why people are like, can't you have somebody else blow?
She was on, yeah, she was on antidepressants and she was bipolar, but they had her misdiagnosed as depressive too.
And it's like, well, no, because you'd be like, can I drink and drive?
And you just sit shotgun and let me.
But yeah, you have to blow the whole time you're driving.
So that's what sucks about it.
So you have this constant thing.
And I was double Jeopardy because I was a road comic.
So in 2009, yeah, dude, I'm going into these bars and nightclubs and like, hey, do you have a phone jack I could use for a few minutes?
And they're like, yeah, why?
And I'm like, I got this ankle monitor and I got to plug it in somewhere to a phone jack so they can download to make sure I'm not drinking.
So I'd be in a bar, dude.
And there's also the people that buy them and open the door and get mauled by pit bulls.
While they downloaded my alcohol.
So it has like a modem, like a. Yeah, it would light, you know, so it would let you know when you were done.
It would do it through the phone lines.
I'm sure there's something more high tech now.
You had to have a phone jack and I'd have to call my probation officer and be like, this is the room I'm playing.
I was allowed to be in a bar.
But if anybody spilled anything on me, right to jail.
Because if I had any bit of... I had to use Tom's Everything, all natural stuff, because anything could have alcohol in it.
So I couldn't touch anything on the off chance that it would set off my monitor.
Because I was like, I think she's bipolar.
It's amazing because you have nothing else in your system but heroin.
And they're like, how do you know?
What are you doing with it?
I'm like, you know, I lived with her for 30 years and I know the mood swings because I grew up in a house where like you came home and she was either the happiest woman on the planet or you were fucking terrified.
Oh, dude, I defy the drug test too.
I never did the heroin one.
I didn't eat a lot of poppy seeds, but I did buy a fake dick that they caught me with.
Is that what they call it?
Dude, it's called a wizinator.
They caught you with the fake dick?
I thought they'd be behind me.
No, they were right here.
And I'm just like, I'm just going to squeeze these balls from some urine I bought off of a nerdy kid like R. Kelly.
Using pregnant girlfriend's urine.
Like it was one or the other, you know?
I'm guessing weed because if it was 2020 in Ohio, it was still illegal.
Plus, I don't think you're allowed to use it if you're on the team.
But it was illegal then, so they were probably still.
I mean, for most people, I should say.
And she wasn't a bad person.
Yeah, because I bought, what was it called, urine luck?
She just had this mental imbalance.
I'm not testing anyone for anything.
Well, it was because of the Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco thing.
I remember it was part of it because they were like, they're on creatine and everybody's like, are you sure?
And it was after things happened with my dad and the government and things like that.
No, they were on Anderstein Dione is what he was trying to say.
McGuire went from like a farm boy to looking like one of the Looney Tunes characters from Space Jam.
Like the dude was just fucking stacked.
Dude, that makes no sense.
Oh, the one right there, though.
It looks like he's doing the spoon trick.
He was in Vietnam, and he got a soft cell sarcoma from Agent Orange.
That is completely roids.
It looks like it's made out of rubber.
Imagine the fucking force your body has to generate to do that to one of those bats.
And meanwhile, Pete Rose never gets inducted.
Yeah, he says he didn't.
Yeah, that's what they were going to do.
No, and he's been around sitting in the MGM in Vegas signing shit for a long time.
And he was a great player.
Or you see the ones that, like, they'll put, like, a pumpkin patch.
They did nothing for our family.
And Pete Rose's dad wasn't taken out.
They denied both of my mom's claims.
It comes from the same place, man.
It comes from the same place.
Well, yeah, because there's a part of you that wants to do risky things if you're willing to go that far.
You have to have that element in you.
So you kind of want to go like, yeah, he threw a few games with the confidence that the team would still be fine.
Yeah, there's a lot of shady shit that happened with that.
My dad lost all of his money.
Yeah, the connection with that people may have taken out his dad over gambling debts, which is rarely talking about.
He was worth like $4 million.
I think he lost everything.
I don't think it was now.
Because he wasn't robbed.
They didn't take anything.
He was just changing a tire.
And who knows if he even was.
They could have flagged him down.
And it was to pay out of pocket.
It seems so random to just kill someone for fun.
And now the stuff that has come out is so... Dude, it's so dark.
And he got sick when I was 13.
He was like our baseball coach, everything.
Dude, Fresh Prince, all that doesn't exist without him.
And he had a gynecology office in his basement, which he just slid past everybody on the show.
So he would go around the country going to like – Cambridge had a very good neurosurgery place for the brainstem.
Dr. Huxtable was a gynecologist.
And he was a doctor, and in his basement is where he saw the women, and no one thought anything about it.
Dude, and he would talk about it in his act.
He has, like, old records of Spanish fly.
Where he's just talking about it like the whole audience is like, yeah, the rape drug.
He had a whole episode of the show about his special barbecue sauce.
Oh, and everybody started making out with each other.
Well, did you ever see the Cosby Mysteries intro?
It's a pill going into a martini, and then it just says Cosby Mysteries.
Yeah, I think he was more deviant than we actually realized and was leaving these little taunting breadcrumbs.
But then when I started becoming a comic, and I was doing small stuff, not the HBO Vegas fest.
University of Michigan in Ann Arbor had one.
Yeah, he came back out to... He came back out and did a cop show?
So he wasn't as present a lot.
It's just crazy that the first thing in it, though, is a drink being drugged.
Oh, I think it was... It says 94.
I think a season or two.
My mom was dealing with that on top of being an RN.
Yeah, it didn't last very long.
And his film career wasn't great.
It was like Ghost Dad and, you know, he did a... Yeah.
Fat Albert, there was a story, and I can't remember if it was Fat Albert, but what's his name?
Kenan Thompson was talking about one of the first times he met Bill Cosby, and he was like, you're going to need two dicks for all the pussy you're going to get.
I mean – and he was tough as nails.
And he was like, what the fuck?
He just couldn't believe it was one of the first things Cosby had said to him.
Because you just meet that guy, and you kind of wouldn't expect it to switch so hard.
Especially a guy who's been telling people not to.
Especially after Eddie Murphy stories and all that stuff.
Like he would have one of those halos drilled in and he'd still go golfing and shit.
And he's like, tell Mr. Cosby that Richard Pryor said have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up.
And imagine saying that to somebody over Fat Albert.
He'd just be on the course.
And a lot of them, too, when you see like the roles they would get on The Cosby Show now, you have like supermodel looking women playing a cop.
Like, they'll do an urban farm, which is hysterical.
And it's like he would have private dinners with them, you know, like in his green room, just little like super shady shit.
And I'd be like, what are you doing?
So, yeah, like he I guarantee you maybe him and was it Jordan?
You've probably met him to the Wolf of Wall Street guy.
I'm thinking like Cosby and him may have been the last people on Earth to ever have quaaludes like one of them.
I don't pick my head up anymore.
What was Quaaludes like?
I think they were extinct.
Joey Diaz was a big fan.
See, he's older too and remember that.
Yeah, because I've heard him talk about it.
But I've never done Quaaludes.
I think they were like, I think the last one was like 96.
Someone had it when I was maybe, I don't know, in middle school.
Yeah, like a bottle of something that said Spanish fly.
Dude, he would find the positive in anything.
He reminded me of Dangerfield a lot.
And it was always crazy because he'd be very dry.
But if you were rolling, I mean, and, like, a girl just, like, touched your knee in a way.
You know, it was just sort of...
Yeah, that's what sucked is it didn't help your libido.
People would go, how are you?
And he'd be like, oh, life is great.
He's just got something nailed to his fucking head.
He's like, can you hand me one of those tissues so I can clean it up real quick?
Yeah, I don't think there's anything.
Like, what is horny goat weed at a gas station?
And then, well, you would consume a human because you remember when the guy ate the dude's face?
If it is Florida, you're like, there could have been other elements.
There's a lot of other elements in Florida.
He goes, it might be bleeding, yeah?
There's a whole lifestyle that could have led to this.
And you'll see, like, these hippies on the news.
And he just tried to make light of it the whole time.
But the government did nothing.
There was also one in Richmond, I want to say, right outside of Richmond, a pharmaceutical company that was also largely responsible for it.
Because I remember even being – working at a pharmacy and going – like my mom was an RN, so I'd go in there.
And then the more and more I research it, we've talked to the VA.
The doctors are not the doctors, but like I remember companies taking out the doctors to eat or like, oh, yeah, like Oxycontin reps or you'd sign with a pen that had a painkiller's name on it.
It was, yeah, give our product to the people coming in.
I have an uncle who does stuff, former Marine, four people that have dealt with this from Vietnam because they denied so many claims that ended up being real.
Dude, they used to give a lot.
Like I was getting my, when I got my knee messed up, I got hooked on Oxy, on Vicodin.
And I had taken lots of Vicodin before, but I took a prescribed amount that was just way too many for several months in a row.
And then when I came down, it was one of the sickest times I've ever had to deal with.
Like, they cut my face and stole my plums.
I'm like shaking, you know, I'm throwing up every few minutes.
And this was the allotted amount I was supposed to take.
How long did you... Four a day for two months.
I felt real bad for about four to five days.
For me, even when I quit smoking, I used to smoke three packs a day for almost 12 years.
But I did a lot of acid and shrooms and shit, and it was fun.
One after the other one, dude.
But it felt good, you know?
So, like, yeah, I would do that.
But even that, I locked myself in a room when I was living in L.A., and I just didn't leave.
I didn't leave the room for a week.
Dude, I just let my body deal with the pain, and then I left.
So it usually takes me about that long, you know, to really detox my system.
If it's something that isn't killer, alcohol was hard.
Alcohol was really hard because I had started shaking when I wouldn't drink when I was 16.
So you got addicted to it early.
So it's like a genetic thing with your family.
Like soft cell sarcoma was one of the things where they said, oh, we didn't do that.
And I didn't know about that until later.
You know, and like my dad had talked to me a bit before he died.
And, you know, he died when I was 18.
But he finally talked to me about what was going on with the family and stuff I hadn't known.
And my uncle, who I figured had died of a heroin overdose, but my mom's like, he just had a big heart.
And you're like, did he?
Can I just know the truth?
And it turned out it was lines of years of addiction.
Like my dad's dad was...
Irish guy, left him the day he was born, walked in, saw my dad was a twin, he had a twin sister, and goes, I'm not raising two, and walked out.
So then he was the opposite dad.
He was loving, coach, all that stuff.
That's not from Agent Orange.
Fucked by the government.
Oh, yeah, and then fucked by the government.
Because he was in combat in the fields where you sprayed it to kill all the trees.
Oh, yeah, it's very rare that you're an anomaly.
I was the guy on that side of the phone calls.
They were like, you need to apologize to this person or this person.
So you didn't remember anything?
I wouldn't remember most.
Sometimes I'd brown out, so I'd kind of remember what we did.
And they're like, yeah, that's not on us.
There was times where I actually, I was at a party, right?
And then I wake up, and I'm handcuffed to a bed in a hospital getting charcoal dumped down.
So I'm like, oh, something happened.
But I went from being at a party to just being woken up with a charcoal stomach pump.
Then years later, they admitted it, but said my mom filled out the paperwork wrong and gave us nothing.
And I'm like, this isn't good.
Do you talk about any of this stuff on stage?
It's called Party One, A Fuzzy Memoir a little while ago, and it's all stories of my youth because I was trying to get it all out.
And then I had to ask people, and I didn't put it out for years because I wanted to be like, hey, is it cool if I talk about it?
And a couple of my friends were my really good friends I had to fuck with where I'm like, don't worry.
I changed your name from Brian to Ryan so no one knows the name.
A little shit like that.
But yeah, I talk about a lot of this on stage because, dude, I got institutionalized.
I got like, yeah, it was all like crazy.
How'd you get institutionalized?
The story I talk about in the book is what happened the night before, not the book, but on stage because I have to kind of sum it up.
I actually did it on This Is Not Happening, Ari's show.
And what happened was, was I used to like bong people.
pints and fifths for, like, a party trick.
And I could carry around a case of beer and, you know, drink that in the night.
And mind you, I'm 5'6", but then I'm in high school.
And even 10% of that's 400 grand.
I probably weighed 140 pounds, dude.
Like, I was... And if I wasn't on LSD and I wasn't on mushrooms and I wasn't on K, I was drunk.
So I would switch it all up.
And the night before I had bonged a fifth at a party.
What do you mean by bonged?
You know the beer bongs that you use that have like the funnel and go through?
So my friend Anthony pulled out this beer bong and my friend Nick poured an entire fifth of absolute vodka.
And Nick's like, dude, don't do this.
Like, it gave us nothing, dude.
You just drank the whole thing?
Well, they put in a cap full of Sprite.
Then I drank the whole thing.
And, dude, I guess I say this in the story because this is what I was told happened.
I told my girlfriend, who I love, that she had orangutan titties.
And then I fell through a table, a glass table.
So it's like I've dealt with that my whole adult life where I have a little piece of me.
And then, yeah, I ended up getting taken home by the cops.
I don't know exactly what happened, but my mom ended up calling the police, which is, you know, like she didn't know what to do.
And they arrested me and I was institutionalized.
And I stayed with a kid who thought he was a werewolf.
So you had to go to a mental health institution.
I went to a mental health institution because they weren't, they didn't realize it was an addiction.
They just arrested me because my behavior was so erratic.
And I remember getting there and I met my, and I'm not kidding.
I met my roommate who was a, he was a werewolf.
That's what he believed.
And I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to stay with him.
And they're like, well, he's not really a werewolf.
I'm like, yeah, I know he's,
That's why I'm not really like right or left.
What they do is they grab a tank, a tranq.
And they hit you in the butt with it, and the guards will fight you off.
But after two weeks, they're like, it's not so much that he's got mental illness, which he does, but he's an alcoholic.
He's a severe alcoholic.
He attacked you when the moon turned white?
Yeah, one night he just started howling.
And I don't even think wolves howl.
And he was way bigger than me.
You don't think wolves howl?
It's like, yeah, but you're in a crack neighborhood.
I'm very much like fuck either side of this until somebody does something that I actually believe in.
American werewolf in London.
Yeah, which that kid deserved it.
They shouldn't have called the parents and go, hey, your wolf boy is fucking naked trying to eat a guy.
Was he naked when he attacked you?
Yeah, he ripped all his clothes off because he thought he was a werewolf, dude.
So tell me what that was like.
Well, he's jumping on top of me and I grabbed a lamp to hit him with it, but it was fucking glued down to the mental hospital.
So that just kind of made me open my arms to him.
And he's on top trying to bite me and I'm like holding him back.
And that's when they came in and they run and they ran at him.
And when I see the stuff that's happening to so many people that fought, especially when you find out about LBJ.
They hit him with the syringe.
And I'm just sitting there like, I want to be here.
You know, like basically crying like a bitch.
Like, and, you know, I'll never drink again was like my catchphrase through the 90s.
So they pull him out of there.
And then, you know, and then eventually they sent me off to a rehab where I spent, I think I spent 45 days there.
And I heard it's not there anymore, which is a shame, because a lot of kids do need that now.
And I heard they took it down, like it's no longer there.
And I went there, and the second I got out, I didn't drink.
I didn't drink for like a month.
But the second I got in my friend's car, I hit a joint.
And I'm not saying that that's bad, but it's like, dude, the second I was, they're like, you can't drink, right?
And I'm like, yeah, but you can smoke weed.
So I immediately hit a joint.
It's kind of amazing that you're here.
the helicopters, all the other bullshit that was the reason that we even went into Vietnam.
Dude, yeah, I got in a lot of shit.
Falls through the table.
You know what is interesting, though?
All the drugs now, because like I told you, I was a real kind of depressed kid.
And all the drugs that I did to treat depression are now used to treat depression.
Mushrooms, ketamine, all that shit, dude.
I spent five years in high school when it turns out I was completely accurate with my studies of how these drugs...
You were self-medicating.
And I was accurate with it.
Because, dude, I would do K, and I'd just be sitting there in a K-hole in class, just think the desk is moving.
Yeah, LBJ, from what I understand, had money in helicopters.
And acid was the most fun to do in class because your teacher's face is melting, and you're just sitting there like it's so much fun.
But I was a mess, but at the same time, so many of my friends were too.
Like, I mean, I was the worst of them and technically slowest because I was arrested more than anybody.
So you were the most fun.
What did you think you were going to do for a living back then?
The only thing I ever loved was acting in comedy.
My dad would wake me up when I was a kid to watch SNL.
And it wasn't something that him and my brother, they'd watch like baseball and stuff, but we'd watch SNL together.
We would watch like old movies with like John Candy, Steve Martin, like all those people.
And then he introduced me to stand up and my dad bought me, he bought me Kinison, Carlin.
And was able to profit off of it.
He bought me Carlin Classic Gold on tape when I was nine.
Which had seven dirty words and all that.
He bought me Dangerfield, buttoned down mine to Bob Newhart, Eddie Murphy.
He showed me Delirious when I was like eight.
Dude, I still laugh so hard because that like the whole bit he does about the hamburger was so relevant then.
Like I got McDonald's at home and he's like, you can't have none.
And I knew what that meant then.
And I was crying laughing because I loved Eddie Murphy, you know.
So, and people say it's a conspiracy theory, but why were we really there?
So he introduced me to comedy, and the only thing I had any interest in was that.
And one day, Second City opened up in Detroit.
And I was pissing this teacher off somewhat, and she stopped me after class.
And she goes, do you know what Second City is?
And I go, yeah, my dad's told me about it.
It's like where all these SNL people came from.
And she's like, yeah, you're actually really funny, but you're a fucking pain in the ass in my class.
And I was like, okay, that's a cool teacher.
And she goes, um, she goes, you should consider taking classes there.
So after my fifth year, the first thing I did was I listened to her and my dad and I signed up for second city and dude, years later, I'm doing improv on stage with this group, motor city improv.
It's more bar prob, you're just fucking around, you know?
But one of the guys in the group was, hey, my wife's gonna come too, and it was my teacher.
And I got to do improv with her years later.
And it was really cool, man, because it was the first time somebody didn't scold me.
They stopped me to go like, you genuinely have something, and you're not just this waste.
And no one had ever besides my parents, but nobody else had ever said that before.
My parents, my dad was just about to pass when I told him, I think I'm going to do Second City and then take this film class up in Lansing, Michigan, which is what I did.
I did film and I did that and I would go back and forth.
And he was like, you should like, that's what you've always wanted to do.
Like I had a camera in my hand since I was a kid.
Like my parents never wanted me to have a backup plan.
They were like, find something you love.
Like that's, you know, and we were really only torn apart as a family because of what we experienced, you know, from my dad just being screwed.
Oh, I would assume, yeah, because that's the Poppyfields.
So we were if I think if I had even a more direct line, I may have gotten there sooner.
But I was angry and depressed and pissed off.
My whole attitude was, fuck you, fuck the system.
So when I finally found that outlet, it was wonderful, dude, especially when you're writing sketches and watching them come to life and you're ripping on the people that have fucked you over.
There's such a good feeling about that.
And a lot of people that I met have gone on to do great things.
I was in a troupe with Sam Richardson who went on to do –
Detroiters and you know I there's Tim Robinson who I didn't know him well or anything but we did improv a couple times and it's cool to see him like skyrocket with I think you should leave and all these other stuff and Keegan Michael Key was somebody that was out of the Detroit chapter so there's like some really cool people that ended up coming out of there what was the stand-up scene like what was the big club
The big club was Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle.
Okay, I heard of that place.
That's supposed to be a great spot.
Dude, it's unbelievable.
And he was the guy who you wanted to do stand-up in front of because he was there every night tearing tickets.
Dude, he was a part of it from the late 70s until he had a heart attack maybe around 2010.
His son, Ryan Ridley, was the head writer of Rick and Morty.
So, dude, he's a great dude.
And you just had Mike Costa on.
Mike was in my group when I started.
Yeah, he was one of the people that I started with.
And then a guy named Matt McClowry.
He's actually featuring for me this weekend, who's an unbelievably funny dude.
Yeah, he's got Asperger's.
If any luck, he'll think he's a lady.
At least he doesn't think he's a werewolf.
And like we had a pretty cool group when we started where we weren't kissing each other's ass.
We were all just trying to figure it out.
So we would like criticize each other.
And like we've all done pretty well considering like where people have gone off to, you know, at least in the sense of making money and making a living, you know, making people laugh.