Clark Fredericks

I was like, all right. And, you know, that's the trickle-down effect of what this animal did to me, you know? Had I gotten together with her, though, you know, like, it would have just been a train wreck, you know? I would have made her life hell, you know? So she haunted me for 30 years, you know?

I was like, all right. And, you know, that's the trickle-down effect of what this animal did to me, you know? Had I gotten together with her, though, you know, like, it would have just been a train wreck, you know? I would have made her life hell, you know? So she haunted me for 30 years, you know?

Yeah, it was just, yeah, it wasn't like I've been abused. I can't have it. That's not going on. What's going on is, oh my God, I'm suffocating. I'm starting to have a panic attack. I can't breathe. I'm drowning. The answer is no. Get away. No, I got to get out of here. So that was the experience.

Yeah, it was just, yeah, it wasn't like I've been abused. I can't have it. That's not going on. What's going on is, oh my God, I'm suffocating. I'm starting to have a panic attack. I can't breathe. I'm drowning. The answer is no. Get away. No, I got to get out of here. So that was the experience.

Yeah, there was nothing back then. There was no organizations back then. I just mentioned Ginny's house in my town. There was nothing back then. Back then, you went to a state police barracks or a local cop shop. There was no organizations. The cops were the only one. This guy was a law enforcement officer. He was a lieutenant. So that avenue was cut off.

Yeah, there was nothing back then. There was no organizations back then. I just mentioned Ginny's house in my town. There was nothing back then. Back then, you went to a state police barracks or a local cop shop. There was no organizations. The cops were the only one. This guy was a law enforcement officer. He was a lieutenant. So that avenue was cut off.

So there, you know, I tell people nowadays, I'm like, we are so lucky nowadays, like with the internet, like you can go on and connect with somebody around the world, you know, have an AA meeting around the world or connect with abuse victims around the world, you know, back then.

So there, you know, I tell people nowadays, I'm like, we are so lucky nowadays, like with the internet, like you can go on and connect with somebody around the world, you know, have an AA meeting around the world or connect with abuse victims around the world, you know, back then.

Back when our parents and our grandparents and their parents, whatever trauma they had, they just had to suck it up and grab a bottle of vodka and get through it. Therapy was just for the elites in New York City back then. Therapy wasn't for the average Joe.

Back when our parents and our grandparents and their parents, whatever trauma they had, they just had to suck it up and grab a bottle of vodka and get through it. Therapy was just for the elites in New York City back then. Therapy wasn't for the average Joe.

drugs alcohol and a search for a thrill you could say you know you you look for the quick fix yeah and uh and and that was like as soon as you feel uncomfortable you gotta fix it you know like there is uh no delaying gratification you know for for the greater good down the road it's like i need gratification right now immediately and uh

drugs alcohol and a search for a thrill you could say you know you you look for the quick fix yeah and uh and and that was like as soon as you feel uncomfortable you gotta fix it you know like there is uh no delaying gratification you know for for the greater good down the road it's like i need gratification right now immediately and uh

And that's what I became, just looking like a junkie, looking for gratification, instant gratification anytime I felt uncomfortable.

And that's what I became, just looking like a junkie, looking for gratification, instant gratification anytime I felt uncomfortable.

What would that feel like? That's what I say. You become hypervigilant. You just become on the run, on the go. There was no sitting feeling uncomfortable.

What would that feel like? That's what I say. You become hypervigilant. You just become on the run, on the go. There was no sitting feeling uncomfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. You're running from that pain. Like you're constantly trying to stay one step ahead of it. You know, whether it's from drugs and alcohol, whether it's from sex, you know, like my twenties were just a blur of sex, like just one night stands. Like I'll prove that I'm a man. I'll get rid of this insecurity.

Yeah. Yeah. You're running from that pain. Like you're constantly trying to stay one step ahead of it. You know, whether it's from drugs and alcohol, whether it's from sex, you know, like my twenties were just a blur of sex, like just one night stands. Like I'll prove that I'm a man. I'll get rid of this insecurity.

Just if I sleep with enough women, this insecurity, this self-loathing will go away. So I was just a revolving door in my 20s. And it left me like, that's adding more trauma because I'm hurting all sorts of women along the way just to gratify myself in their catching feelings for me. And I'm just like, phew, phew, phew.

Just if I sleep with enough women, this insecurity, this self-loathing will go away. So I was just a revolving door in my 20s. And it left me like, that's adding more trauma because I'm hurting all sorts of women along the way just to gratify myself in their catching feelings for me. And I'm just like, phew, phew, phew.