Chad Daniels

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Hey, Barry, 415.

Thank you for coming out, guys. We appreciate you. As I was saying before, you're the third couple on the show. You guys have your podcast, Pretend Problems. Kelsey has a special out on Hulu and YouTube, Mark Your Territory. And, of course, Mr. Daniels has a special out on Netflix, Empty Nester.

What about Light Strike, baby? Shout out to Light Strike. That's right. Listen up, all you party animals out there. The Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida on May 4th is sponsored by the first beverage built to outpace the party. Of course, we're talking about Light Strike. Hard refresher. An excellent source of 5% alcohol.

Party harder, party longer.

That's respectable. Yours was probably like a foosball player.

Give me an example of a name of a famous foosball player from back in the day.

Absolutely. We appreciate you guys being here.

I'll give you both a point for that.

Thanks. Not too shabby. Let's do the... The high school.

Can I get a spelling on that, please?

He was looking up Cindy Head.

How old was the astronaut? You didn't go to high school with an astronaut, did you?

He's got the 360.

Only guy in town ever riding a Porsche.

Yes, he was.

Crazy.

Hurdles are tough for me. It wasn't my event. No one is shy.

She's trash. Which you guys were both trash.

He's eating it. It rained right through him. Okay, sticking to the travel. How's the hotel situation with you guys together? Are you guys a pretty good cohesive unit?

Without a doubt. Now you've teamed up like a garbage Voltron. Mega trash. To get letters from the HOA, I'm sure. How long have you guys been living together?

That's all that roast beef.

Do either of you guys unpack? This is a big Luke thing. Do either of you guys unpack your stuff when you're at a hotel? Or do you live out of a suitcase? Put it in the drawers or in the closet?

My pillows, they're all over the place. You would not do well in a relationship with Mr. Daniels. They usually fall on the floor when I'm sleeping, and I've got to reach down and grab them. That's dumb. Because I hug one.

You all roll dog it on your feet. I bring slippers. No kidding.

Man's being like you, slippers.

You don't wear slippers at the house, do you?

We're down to 180, dude. Were you a cat person before? No. Never had cats? No. That's a big jump. That's a fucking huge jump. She got two of them. Adults, obviously, not kittens, so you couldn't even get cutesy-cutesy with them and then watch them grow up. Those things just don't like you.

Two years?

And who moved into where?

Thorns and Roses? Yeah.

They're really good. Are you reading anything?

Ah, shout out to Sam Tallent. Out on Random House right now, I believe.

That's my boy. Yeah, so it's really cool. Okay, very good. Two good ones. Is that a typical read for you would be a novel, or are you more of a nonfiction? Guns and ammo quarterly. Ha ha ha! I picture him reading the autobiography of Douglas MacArthur or something like that.

Are there reading materials next to the toilet in the bathroom?

Do we use our phones in there?

Wordling. Classy.

Hey, that's great. Are there any puzzle puzzles like on a dining room table?

Jigsaws, that's what it's called.

It's a mirror. They're just sitting there staring at it. Yeah. Okay. And you guys said you moved, you guys both, you got a place together. Right. Yes. How was the decorating of that? Was there things that you guys had in a previous life that you brought or was it all new furniture and all that kind of stuff and that decision-making process?

A lot of compromise. She did the moving.

Spokane to Minnesota. Talk about a lateral move.

They probably thought you were moving to Paris or something like that. It's a Delta hub. It's a Delta hub. That's what Midwest people say. We're traveling.

All right. The stakes have just been raised. 50-50? 50-50.

That's right. You have a lake house. Right. Okay. I forgot about that. Yes. How far away is that from the main house? That's where the bodies are buried. I probably made that joke.

Okay. And that's you guys' vacation home.

Hold on. So in the summer, will you you'll be there and go out on tour from there? Yeah. Is there like stretches where he's there and you're at the other house?

Do the kids come out and stay out there for the summer and then work from there?

So this is like somewhat of a destination for the summer, like the Jersey Shore would be to people in Philly. So there's like a community out there. It's not like a cabin on a lake by itself.

He can only equate it to a while. Well, that makes a little more sense than him in a cabin by himself on a lake. No, that makes more sense to me.

Take care of it. He's talking to people who are whittled. All right. Okay. We're having fun. Yeah.

Chad Daniels is not a gift card guy, I would have to assume.

That's funny that this came up because I got a situation. I'd like to get a 360 man's opinion on this. Okay. Can I borrow 80 bucks? You got the keys to that port? Yeah. I have a dinner on Saturday at a pretty nice place that my wife's been wanting to go to. The girls at work got her a gift certificate to this place.

I'm not a gift certificate guy. I didn't know there was a gift card in the works. I'm very social anxiety when it comes to that stuff. You know what I mean? I tip really well. I don't want any problems. It's got to be smooth. I'm not splitting a check or anything like that. This gift card that the girls got her at work, I know is not going to cover the bill.

I think it's $200. Okay. That's nice. I want to say it's $200. This is obviously a rare occasion. It's a special place. She really wants to go, whatever. It's an expensive joint. I got to wear a fucking jacket tie. Whoa. Do you have three with you we could sew together? That was a question.

I kind of don't want to use the gift card because I know I'm going to have to go, here's the gift card, and then put the rest on this card. And especially if it's a nice place like that, I don't want these fucking rich fuckers thinking that I don't belong there.

What would you do?

This will be this Saturday, but that is what I want. Oh, this? Okay, gotcha.

Okay, let's talk about acorns. Shout out to acorns, gang. Saving the family over here. If it wasn't for acorns, I'd be screwed. You ain't lying. I'd be going through it like water. I'm signed up on acorns. I have a little taken out every week, putting a little nest egg away. By the time I'm 88, I'm going to be a goddamn millionaire. So look out, baby.

Gang, if you're looking for ways to save, I'm telling you right now, Acorns is simple. It's easy. You get to track your progress. You get to see what's going on. They give you your potential of what you could be earning. It's absolutely fantastic. So if you're a dumbass like me and not great with spending and saving, do yourself. Get over to Acorns and get yourself straightened out, man.

He's been touring for 40 years.

Kip, you like Blue Chew? Bonerville. Yeah, let's go. Calling all you softies out there.

Listen, let's be honest. You get a little older, you put on a little weight, you need a little help in the bedroom. You know what I mean? Sometimes when you're at the gym and you're lifting heavy weight, you need a little spotter. Let Blue Chew do a little spotting for you in the boudoir.

Because I don't know how, if we go there and I tell her, which I normally would, I don't want to use the gift card. You go ahead and use it with one of your girlfriends. It's too nice of a, she's not going to go back. So I got to use it.

I want to take 75 out on the gift card, put the rest on this Discover card.

I tried.

Where do I look right here? No, that's good advice. I tried. That's good. That's good.

Speaking of dinner, do you guys like to share things? Will you share an appetizer?

Okay. Well, you maybe get something like Kelsey gets the lasagna and you get the steak and, hey, we'll share it. Or are we individual entrees only? No, we're sharing. He's not a freak with that stuff?

You are really poking the bear. My guy, I'm telling you, you got to tread lightly today.

I figured he would be protective. He's a particular guy. It's his plate.

Where they put the people in the wheelchair. Yeah, exactly.

He's got the wooden knuckles on.

Is that a wooden gun? Yes, it is.

I'm sorry.

I'll have the honey-roasted cashews, please. Cashews?

My bad, juicy. We got them fighting now.

Can I get a ride up the hill? Send me right to the store real quick.

Okay.

We love it.

Nothing too trashy, if I can say really up to this point. You know?

What about like on a Sunday? You know, you're letting the hair down a little bit. Smoothie and some cashews.

You're both flying in on a Sunday. You're both getting home. That's got to be nice and cozy. You're both coming off the road. Yeah. Get home.

Are we unpacking right away that night? No. No.

I just opened my suitcase from tour... A month, 20, 21.

And the reason I did it is because I ran out of socks and underwear, and I remembered that I had some in there. And I figured since they had been sitting in the suitcase so long, theoretically, they were fresher than anything I was going to pull out of the thing. You were wrong.

Let's get to sleep in a little bit. How many... Are we in a king-size bed at the house? Yeah. Okay. How many pillows are on the bed?

That's not... No, on the bed.

On your back, you can snore. Two behind your head sometimes? Yeah, if I'm reading. Nothing between anybody's legs or holding anything? Nothing like that? Mm-mm. And you guys sleep away from each other or facing into each other? Oh.

It's more functional. Yes. Gotcha. Okay. Is there a TV in the room? No. No TV. So when we go to bed, we go to bed.

Shut it down. Read? We read a little bit? We can.

How about the phones?

Yeah, it does the rain sounds and all that shit too, right?

But she also has the wind down.

Just immediate system of a down. He likes to fall asleep to radio chatter from Vietnam.

Now you're a Lowe's man.

What's the ceiling of your handiness? I would have to assume it's pretty high. So high. Yeah? I could do stuff. What kind of tools you got?

Who's cutting the grass? You? Yeah. Or landscaper. Oh, me. Sorry. I thought you meant between us.

Whose car is that now, huh? My car, yeah. Okay. Can you frame out a house? That's a lot. Framing out a house. My God. A spa villa? What does that even mean?

Hang drywall? Mm-hmm. Electrical work?

And in the summer out at the lake house, what sort of things in that vein are you doing? Will you set yourself up with a project for the summer?

Fair enough. Would you clothes shop there? Would you grab a t-shirt, something like that? I'd get whatever. No fear.

Spieth is a red meat. Hey, I'm with you on that. You don't do an au jus? Wait, you said roast beef sandwich, right? Yeah. Hot roast beef or cold?

Kick your ass. I don't play. Physically. Oh, yeah, of course. What's the course by the lake? It's mini.

Private?

Do they have a clubhouse where we can go and have lunch? Yeah. Okay. Anybody going in?

It doesn't cover a full round. Do they have a locker room? Like a country club? No, uh-uh.

What's the snack or the restaurant? Like nice?

Okay. It's not, yeah.

Okay.

From like Curb Your Enthusiasm. That's the kind of clubhouse I'm looking for.

I warm it up. I toast the bread. Oh, you're making this at home? Sure. Okay. Hold on. Back this up. Hold on. Slow down a second. We're going to get into all this. Yeah. But since you brought up roast beef, you go to the store. I go to the store. Okay. What's the usual lunch meat order? And is that what you guys call it? She gets turkey.

I've had a slow week.

I've got to say this, you know, separately, pretty trashy. Sure. Come together.

Yeah.

Gotta get you to a nurdle. Gotta get you to a nurdle. Yeah, yeah. Chad, would there be a reciprocating side on Kelsey's side to the roast beef ketchup situation?

Mayo? Mayo's never great. I'm listening.

Speaking of pizza, where's that pizza coming from? Is it a local spot? Or are you doing like a Domino's or whatever?

Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, so hold on. You got a box of pizza, you have it in the hotel, you put it outside. No one has grabbed it. If that's your question. That's a nice hotel. That's a super nice hotel. Was it a nice hotel? No, not at all. I cleaned it. The pizza lived in the hallway all weekend. You don't know if somebody's coming and opening it and licking their fingers and touching it.

I have no clue, but... Dang, you worry about the pillow on the floor? You're eating hallway pizza. See? Not that I'm against it. No, no, no, you're right. Complicated man.

There's a lot of just weird rules where I'm like, nope. Yep. So the pizza on Sundays is usually a rectangle pie. Mm-hmm. Wow, that's very old school. Interesting. That's very, very interesting.

Incredible.

First time in Paris?

You have a steak frites in Paris?

It's funny how good it is over there.

Do we have a social network outside of common?

Do you guys go to a dinner party?

Wow. I'll do the grilling. All right, man. Take it easy.

There's no real dirt under the fingernails with them together. Kelsey Cook and Chad Daniels. I love you. Pretend Problems is the podcast. As we said before, Kelsey has a new special out on Hulu and YouTube. Mark your territory. And Empty Nesters on Netflix.

Yeah, fantastic. Thanks for coming by.

I think sandwich meat. Sandwich meat? Well, that's very old school. Lunch meat is the gentleman's term. Lunch meat, okay.

By the way, did you even post a recipe about... Brownies or blondies recently, did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that big into the Cadbury mini eggs. I'm more of a Hershey's mini eggs man. Would you have ever had those?

They're fantastic.

I've never done that. Jen McDonald taught me that in ninth grade. We were over at her house, and I saw her do it, and I was like, holy shit. And I went home, crushed them up in a coffee cup, pour milk in there, and eat it like cereal. The icing gets really hard, and the cookie gets really soft. Oh, God. I'm tingling. God, that sounds good. What else you guys got coming up? Plug dates away.

This will be right out.

Love it. Love it. Mr. Daniels?

Two of the absolute best. Two of the absolute funniest. Yeah. Again, listen to their podcast, Pretend Problems. Check out the specials. Guys, we love you. Kippy, what do you got for them?

Grab a set of cards. Check out the Route 66 special. Guys, again, we love you. Thank you, guys. And gang, we love you. We love you. Bye.

Really? Yeah. Very nice. Thanks. And where are we at in Minnesota? Are we near Minneapolis? Yeah, we're near Minneapolis. Okay. We're in the cities. Roughly, we're in a suburb of the Twin Cities.

Not bad.

Okay. But it comes with blood.

They do it there. Yeah, they do it there.

So that's what you get?

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition.

Really?

Once you add it to mushrooms, to dip that in ketchup is weird.

And theoretically, it should be Swiss cheese if you're putting it on roast beef. Just saying, as far as fat guy rules, it would have to be Swiss.

You're not getting the cheese at the deli counter, too? Give me a pound of American.

How long of a days are you guys shopping? Because you're both working. You're both traveling.

Follow the fucking rules. How hard is that? I'm right there with you, big guy. He lives by a roast beef code.

Hey, I'm on your side.

She's over in the kitchen having a bowl of Crackle and Oat Bran. Okay. That's it? Slow morning. All right. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He's an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ.

All right, hold on. Let's back this up. Let's get more into the grocery store, but first to travel. How... How is the traveling together? Because theoretically, you're both seasoned comics. You both travel a lot for business. So that usually keeps people on the same page because we have the trouble now that when we travel as a group, we travel like the A-team.

I got my deodorant in my mouth. But sometimes we're finding now that when we do bring the significant others or family involved in our travel, it's like, what the fuck? It's like they've never been in an airport before.

A little splinter in your cheek. A little Murphy's oil soap on that.

I can't punch you in the face. Give me a splinter. So you guys should move pretty well together through the airport. Yeah. Any complaints on either part?

But fair, right?

What about the flight attendants? Do they come over or anything?

They were all wrapped up in the seatbelt extenders. There's a man shouting in the aisle. Did that cause any attention from the group?

I don't disagree.

Yes, sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have two incredibly special guests back with us again today. Both very funny comedians. They're a power couple. Midwestern power couple. People magazine's calling them. Not too shabby in the bedroom either, I hear. Fish and Game called them. Ooh, that's hot. Hot. Give it up for Chad Daniels and Kelsey Cook, everybody. Thank you so much.

Something tells me that situation would have made it worse if you were showing TikTok to the flight attendants and your duct tape to the seat.

Both have clear.

Hmm. Who's picking or doing the travel when you guys do stuff together professionally or when you do stuff vacation-wise? Who would be handling that? I think it's both of us.

I wasn't even on the plane.